Ultimate Edition

- Posted in Hot Like Fire, Off-Season Projects, Pants Loves, Well OBVIOUSLY.

Mother of all that is NSFW.

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.  If you can’t say something that wouldn’t make Horward Stern blush, good luck writing a blog post that includes Sidney Crosby’s new SportChek workout campaign.

It should cost $5.99 a minute to hear what I’m thinking right now.

Don’t be ashamed if Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” starts playing in your mind.

 

What is it about hitting things with a sledgehammer?!  When the apocalypse comes, Sid will be nice and warm in his log cabin with plenty of firewood, girls.

Pack your sleeping bags.

Is the Ultimate Crosby Experience getting to hold that resistance band?  Because I’m pretty sure I could tie it to my bumper and Sid would drag the Nealmobile right down the damned street, knocking over mailboxes and running red lights.

Yesterday was Sid’s birthday, and we got our wish. Let’s hope Intern Jeff Skinner doesn’t feel weird about entering us into this contest 87,000 times.

Birthday Boy: Sidney Crosby

- Posted in Birthday Boy, Pants Loves

Happy Canada Day!  Oh, wait.  Merry Christmas!  No, that’s not it either.

Happy 25th birthday to the Crosbot!  Yeah, that’s the one.

You either love Sidney Crosby, or you hate him.  Which is fine because I love him enough for everyone.  Sure, sometimes I want to smack him and say, “Stop being such a brat!”  But most of the time he’s a superstar talent with the superhuman ability to never say anything meaningful to the press.  Even when (I dream) he desperately wants to tell the world to F OFF.

And when he does… well, you think I love him now.

Truth in art, by itsstaalgood.tumblr.com

Some of you know that I met my husband because a) I was drunkinking in a bar, b) it was the ’08 playoffs and c) he kinda looks like Sid (more so back then).  I said, “I’m going to talk to that guy, he looks like Sidney Crosby.”  Et voila.

Sidebar: Mr. Pants does not find this as funny as I do.

Absolutely, 100% real-life me if this ever happened.  Complete with glasses.

I could go on all day, but I’ve been going on for 2+ years with this blog and I think you get the picture.  I’m not normal (see: traitorous love for the Washington Capitals) so I don’t have normal people problems.

What I do have is one of these:

And I’ve worn it to hockey games in these places:

And every time I do I feel like:

Because people are saying, “What IS that hideous thing she’s wearing?” and I’m all, “Shut up, bitches, I’m going to prom.”

So if you’ve ever used an 8 or a 7, or used them together, rejoice today in knowing that someone born on this day, who wears this number, will be making this much money per year for the next twelve years.  That’s over a decade for Reebok to find one male fitness commercial model who’s half as… Crosby as Sid.  (Good luck.)  And maybe a pair of sunglasses for the guy.

Oh Carolina.

- Posted in Newsies, Pants Loves, Trades

Last year was tough for the Carolina Hurricanes.

EStaal was minus-257 (ish) on the season.  Intern Jeff Skinner had a concussion and was limited to 20 goals.  Cam Ward’s save percentage was 36th among goalies (down from 17th the year before).  They picked up a little after getting a new coach in Kirk Muller, but still finished 23rd overall.

So you know what this summer is about.

Does Eric Staal look like a captain who messes around?  Or does he scrape a bad season off the windshield like a bug and intend to do something about it?

Action shot of Eric preparing to wipe the ice with someone and not laugh.

Eric (and management, though I prefer to think just of Eric) thought about how the Canes could get better: like more goals (ranked 16th overall) and a better power play (20th overall).  Then they looked around the NHL.

Action shot of Eric looking.

 The old saying goes, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”   Next best bet: “Get a slightly different version of your own DNA to do it for you.”

Saved this photo as “staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals.jpg.”

You all heard me wailing when Jordan turned down 10 years with Pittsburgh.  He got traded to Carolina during his wedding reception (Ray Shero does not do the Electric Slide), and promptly signed an almost identical deal with Carolina.  It’s a great move from JStaal even if I get a little dramatic talking about it.

Farewell, my prince.

Since Jared Staal (I haven’t figured out how to abbreviate him yet) is already in the Canes system, Eric is just putting the band back together.  Ginger Staal can stay in NYC  (for now) in case they need a place to crash for New Year’s Eve.

Three down, one to go.

Consider the potential for mighty wings and Amish beards.  Now off-the-charts.

Out the right side of the plane, you’ll see a sod farm.

With Jordan on board, Eric turned the bus toward Washington, DC.  Or the outskirts, since that’s probably how far Alex Semin walked in the time the Caps did not re-sign him.  He started this walk in November, which explains a lot about how he played this season.  (Sorry I’m not sorry).

But (but, but, but), Alex Semin is an awesome natural talent.  It think Carolina is a great fit for him because 1) no Ovi and 2) no Ovi.  I’m not crazy about AO GR8 either, but he and Sasha were poison for each other.  Ovi gets lazy.  This time last year we thought he might put Jennifer Hudson out of a job as Weight Watchers spokesperson.  He helped run Boudreau out of town.  All the while Semin hid behind him like a bratty little brother.  When he did something good, #sashacares would trend on Twitter.  Sarcastic, yes.  Also true.

I wish I’d made this. Of course it’s from www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com.

Semin needs to be on his own.  Cut him loose, see if he can fly.  He has the ability to make $7 million/year look like a good deal.  Does he have the chutzpah?  If anyone can make him prove it, I think EStaal is the man for the job.  Eric has three little brothers + two kids + Skinner and does not put up with this crap.

Censoredcensoredcenored ARMS.

When Semin gets on track, I’ll be equal parts furious and face-palming.

What will this season bring for the Canes?  Coach Muller intends to test drive the Staal/Staal line in training camp [link], likely with Eric on the wing.  If they go Staal-Staal-Skinner, I swear that I will have the adorable-ocalypse meltdown.

Or they could roll two deep in front, with back-to-back Staal-centered lines and Semin alongside.    The Canes lost Brandon Sutter in the trade to Pittsburgh, who is “arguably the Canes’ best defensive forward” [link].  Well JStaal’s got that in spades, having been nominated in ’11 for the Selke Trophy.

More offense, more defense.  Things are looking sweet in Carolina.

(Red Sox fan.  I had to.)

I like the Hurricanes for no reasons other than my soft spot for expansion teams and my combined love for EStaal, Ward & Intern Jeff Skinner.  Maybe I always knew they’d get Jordan.  Maybe I just want a road trip to worship at the Shrine of Staal, as suggested by @thekitchenette.  Either way I hope the Canes do well this year.  Just not as well as the Caps.  Or the Lightning.

So really not that well at all.

ACK.  My Southeast Conference “Kill-F***-Marry” is getting crowded.  If the NHL realigns [link], I trade the Bolts for the Pens and things are even worse.  Basically I’d root for Carolina to finish 3rd in whatever their conference might be.  Realignment would require them to top the Flyers and Rangers for that to happen, landing behind Pittburgh and Washington in my ultimate fantasy reality.  No problem, right?

Now that I’ve confessed my crazy endgame, be honest.  How many of you have been window shopping new teams/players clothing this summer?

Blackhawks Convention Live

- Posted in Hot Like Fire, Off-Season Projects, Pants Loves, Summer Lovin'

Guest post time!  (And Pants fixed her broken photos, sorry.)

Hi, I’m Jess! You may remember me from such WUYS guest appearances such as Up Close and Personal and Our Friends Party With the NHL. Pants and Chuck have once again let me take over their blog so that I can drop a little ‘Hawks fandom on y’all.

My latest mission? The Fifth Annual Blackhawks Convention!

If you haven’t been to Chicago, go. Now. I’ll wait… Did you LOVE it? Amazing, no?  It is stunning and I cannot wait to go back/move there one day.

Friend of the blog, fellow Blackhawks fan, Virginia-native and all around spectacular human being Carter was already going to be there as, by happy accident, the Convention fell on the same weekend as the half-marathon she was running (!). I BEGGED her to hook me up with an extra pass, even though I live nowhere near Chicago (It’s 691 hour walk. Thanks Google Maps!) and wasn’t sure I could make it. A last minute seat sale and a terrifying Hotwire gamble meant I was on my way to the great state of Illinois.

Carter and I, as featured on the Chicago SunTimes website.  Not wearing Blackhawks gear = ultimate party foul. #guiltyascharged

Now, it is well documented than I suffer from a severe case of Jonathan Toews-induced catatonia and therefore my memories of the weekend are a little bit fuzzy. I was really hoping that the Blackhawks would have posted the whole thing on their website so I could do this thing Mystery Science Theater 3000-styles, but I will try my best…

Disclaimer: People on the interwebs had way better cameras than I did. I borrowed a few, but I highly recommend trolling Tumblr…

Day 1

The Opening Ceremonies were kinda like boarding an airplane. It took forever to get everyone in their places, there was a brief message from The Captain, followed by a video that no one really paid attention to. But then, THEN, as the room was emptying, Toews came out to do an interview in the press area that was RIGHT BESIDE ME:

Captain Deltoids

As he was leaving, he walked past and shook a few hands. Instead of extending my hand like a normal person, I put my hands behind my back because I was afraid this would happen:

He was ushered off by his NSYNC-circa-2001 security entourage, but not before he said “Sorry guys, I gotta go!” His voice directly touched my ears. Did I say ears? I meant SOUL.

Friday night was “Second City” comedy/awkwardness hour, scene of the infamous Shawlberg strip-tease. They can Magic Mike all they want, but Tina Fey and Amy Poehler they are not. Personally, my highlight of the evening was Patrick Kane saying that he woke up that morning next to a beautiful woman and Carter’s hilarious NSFW commentary.

Day 2

There were memorabilia auctions, activities for kids and several rooms set up for Q&A’s. Personally, I parked my ass in the International Ballroom ALL day. The first must-see panel was “The Olympic Ideal”. Patrick Kane rolled in wearing the same clothes as the night before. Oh PKane, never change. There was a lot of “Blah blah, it’s an honour to play for one’s country,” but I do not remember anything that was said after Jonathan Toews spoke because he had sexy, husky morning voice and GURRRL HE LOOKS LIKE SUPERMAN:

Captain More-Powerful-Than-A-Locomotive

Next up was the “Behind the Scenes with Blackhawks TV” panel wherein my Life Hero Patrick Dahl, Director of Advertising and Game Presentation, revealed that he has ample blackmail footage of Jonathan Toews in his underwear (the use of “ample” was not an intentional pun.) The panel also included humiliating out-takes of their already humiliating BHTV featurettes which can be seen here and here. The fake moustache has scarred me, as the kids say, 5-evah.

Captain Bashful

Speaking of humiliating, during the Q&A a crazy fangirl tearfully sang a version of “Call Me Maybe” to “Jonny” asking him to sign her jersey. Let me tell you, Carter and I would have taken gold in Synchronized Cringing, Pairs, Long Program. The fontrum was palpable.

But I’ll allow it because we were treated to this:

The last panel was “Generations of Captains” where Jon put on his big boy clothes to sit at the grown-up’s table. This was actually my favourite panel because Stan Mikita is everyone’s hilarious grandpa and I have never seen Toews laugh so hard. Like, literally head down, pounding the table hysterical laughter. It was joy.

Captain Judging-You (Thanks Veronica for the amazing photo!)

I really did try to get his autograph! I’m working on it you guys, 5th time will be a charm…

Captain Sport-Coat-No-Tie

Day 3

At the risk of facing WUYS army court-martial, I failed to get Viktor Stalberg’s autograph. Let me explain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up. The convention employed an elaborate system of wrist bands and scratch-and-wins for pictures and autographs, and I am blessed with neither patience nor luck, respectively. There was a somewhat entertaining panel about social media in which I decided I want Jimmy Hayes to be my boyfriend, but other than that, it was pretty low-key and all was said and done by 1PM.

Hmm… what else?

  • Brent Seabrook is the ULTIMATE troll. His sarcastic slow-clap is amazing. I want to hang with him.
  • Patrick Sharp, like Barney Stinson, is INCAPABLE of taking a bad picture. He may never actually blink.


PATRICK SHARP. YOUR FACE.

Best Q&As

  • Fan to Toews: “Are you gonna do a no-haircut season like Stamkos?”
  • Toews: “I dunno. It gets out of control pretty fast.”
  • Sharp: “Well, he’s not gonna have that hair much longer, so he better enjoy it.”
  • Fan to Sharp and Mayers: “Is it hard leaving your family during road trips?”
  • Andrew Shaw: “Yeah, it’s real tough leaving the kids.”
  • Dan Carcillo: “Especially when you don’t know where they are.”
  •  A mom, to Kane: “Can you tell my son that getting up at 4AM for practice is normal.”
  • Kane: “I was doing something at 4AM, but it wasn’t playing hockey.”

I know this was overly Toews-centric (sorry I’m not sorry) and I’m forgetting a bunch of stuff (I barely discussed Patrick Kane and his forearms!), but I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And one should keep some of one’s anecdotes secret, as one does not want to be a dreadful bore at cocktail parties.

Thanks again Pants and Chuck! You ladies are the absolute best and I adore you. XOXO.

We obviously adore you too, Jess.  And since you mentioned Kaner’s off-season arms project…

Oh, okay. One more smile.

Follow Jess for endless hilarity, and that time she took a photo of Stamkos & Skinner together just for Pants – @jfrancesw.

The One You Can Still Win

- Posted in Newsies, Trades, We Love

So your team didn’t get Parise, Suter, Nash, Weber or any of the other u/r free agents rolling around in their money this summer.  It’s not over yet.

Bobby Ryan still needs a home.

from thisyearisouryear.tumblr.com

 If you haven’t heard a rumor about B-Ry being traded to your team, then you’re the only one.  Red Wings, Flyers, Senators… heck, we could use another intern.  And we like cats.

Hang in there a few more weeks and the adorable/hilarious category on your team could runneth over.  Think of all the great Tweets throughout the season, and the possibility that he’ll do a fashion show in your city.

(Sorry we’ve been so quiet lately – we really are swamped!  I wasn’t kidding about another intern.  As soon as we dig out, there are just so many fun photos to share… stay tuned.)

Mikey Monday: Bye Sasha

- Posted in Mikey Monday, Trades

If you don’t follow @alexsemin, then I don’t know what you spend your time laughing at.  And you missed the goobye haikus composed for his former Caps teammates, coaches, broadcasters and foes.  My favorite:

In my mind, the only thing Sasha Fierce ever did right:

Based on this photo of Mike, taken last week and trolled from Tumblr, he takes a breakup like we take a breakup: Now shower, no contacts, yesterday clothes.  Probably a lot of sappy Pinterest-ing.  Wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Cheer up, Mikey!  There’s always Nicky.  And the 1/4th of a boob not cropped from this photo (not my work).  All is not lost!  Of course the absence of Semin making lazy and ridiculous mistakes means even more people looking at you… um, nevermind.  Love the glasses.

Foxy Friday: Stalberg & Shaw

- Posted in Foxy Friday, Glamour Shots, Hot Like Fire, Off-Season Projects, Underrated, We Love

ACK! Chuck and I have been so busy at our real jobs that we’re late in posting some of the very best stuff I’ve ever seen from a hockey summer.  Let’s start with the most important thing.

I posted a photo of this, but that is not even close to the proper pedestal on which it should be elevated in the WUYS Hall of Fame:

Foxy Friday x Infinity

Between hiccups of hysterical laughter, I was thinking:

Patrick Kane looks frighteningly attractive here, in yet another all-American polo shirt.  Dan Carcillo has the same haircut as a ragamuffin orphan in a Disney live-action musical.  Which is to say no haircut at all.

Team Tightpants on the other side of the stage… well, there’s no question why the girl comedian got that squad.

It takes her LESS THAN TWO MINUTES to make this happen:

Did you get all of that?

(.gifs by ladds.tumblr.com)

Look at her.  She can’t believe that worked!  Her equilibrium is shot – she’ll stumble every time she hears the word “Superman” for the rest of her life.

We were three buttons from a Magic Mike Tribute.  She’s a hero.

(A few WUYS friends were in the audience for this Second City panel and were obviously tackled by security just off-screen.)

Check out these fan photos with Shaw – piggyback? Charlie’s Angels?  Could he be more fun?

WUYS reader Amy asked for this.  He said yes.  Cue the wedding bells.

Also, a high five to the person at @NHLBlackhawks that posted this photo:

While you technically cannot repeat as a Foxy Friday, we do recounts for stunts like this.  Get that message out to everyone already featured.  We accept bribes of the brawny variety.

These pictures are from all over the place.  If they’re yours, we’d love to hug/credit you!  More photo fun shortly – I have to at these pretend I’m working today.

Mikey Monday: Almost There

- Posted in Mikey Monday

How I feel right now.

And from my good side:

Too bad my hair doesn’t look like this.

Wahwaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  I’m almost sorry we gave Mikey the Mondays because sometimes they are so exhausting.  And I am not even remotely adorable or hedgehog-y when feeling wiped out.

You know what helps? (I didn’t even have to caption it).

Happy Monday, everyone.  It’s almost over.

Wedding Party

- Posted in Fantasy Hockey, Off-Season Projects, We Love

Marc-Andre Fleury was handsomely married to his longtime girlfriend Veronique on Saturday.  We bring you highlights from the Red Carpet Show, with your host Sidney Crosby.

Sid: This is Captain Tiny Pockets, reporting live from… wait, what is that?  Neal, Tanger, are you seeing what I see?

James: Uhhhhhhhuh.

Kris: Busy checking out #18 there, in his plaid jacket.

Sid: Oh my, ladies and gentleman, we’re not really sure what we’re seeing here, but it appears to be approaching.

James: Look away, it won’t notice us.

Kris: I’m staying over here, brown elf shoes are not good for running away.

Sid: It’s come much closer now and we’re able to make out that it’s, well… is that what we think it is?

James: If I can’t see it, it can’t see me.

Sid: Yes, yes it is.  We have confirmed it is Max Talbot, arriving for the B Movie Horror Convention at the Baltimore Airport Holiday Inn.

Max: Hands in pockets, this is how you do it.

Sid: No, we’re receiving reports he is actually here for the wedding.  He’s getting closer.  Neal, what plan of action do you suggest?

James (backing away): Allow it.  I look much more handsome and gigantic now.

Sid: Since he’s wedding crashing, let’s get an exclusive interview with Max.  Talbot, WTF are you wearing?

Max: This is my wedding suit.  If I take off the bow tie, drunk bridesmaids think I’m the priest and start confessing all kinds of stuff.

Sid: They won’t let you in the church dressed like the Devil.  Have you gone down to Georgia?  Brought a fiddle made of gold?

Max: You’re wrong, Romeo.  Girls love dastardly-chic.  They’re all going to get on this drunk bus, and you’ll have to walk.

Sid: You are not invited to my wedding, Max.

James: Empty threat.

Sid: Shut up. Here are Flower and his bride!

All of us: Sigh.

Jordan: Flower! Hey Flower! Turn off your cell phone!

Vero (looks at Brent Johnson): I don’t think that’s necessary.

Heather Staal: Jordan, you said I would be the only one wearing Canes red. Damn it, Max!

Sid: Ladies, please. We have a live satellite transmission from the Russian forest.

Geno: Здравствуйте!  Sorry I could not be there, my date was not allowed on plane in traditional Russian wedding garb.

Sid: Is that a Vespa on your shirt? Oh, nevermind.  Here come the bride and groom again.

All of us: Gorgeous.  Both of you.  Adorable French babies who can spin like ballerinas, now please.

Sid: That’s it for our live broadcast, thanks for joining us.  See you next time with… James?  James?  NEAL!  (Drunk bus beeps as it passes, Max at the wheel and James waving from the window.)  Oh that’s it.  I’m trading Paul Martin, I don’t care how many omelets $5 million makes!

(All photos credit to 25stanley.com)

Sweet Home, Chicago

- Posted in Glamour Shots, Hot Like Fire, Off-Season Projects

We will have some firsthand (sadly not my hands) reports from the Blackhawks Convention going on right now in Chicago.

Unless this photo causes the end of the interwebs.

Oh yeah. It was nice knowing you.

Foxy Friday – Kris Letang

- Posted in All Star Game, Dawn Loves, Fight Club, Foxy Friday, Glamour Shots, Hot Like Fire, Well OBVIOUSLY.

How have we never not done him? Well, I mean a Foxy Friday at least? Cause I’ve .. well. Anywho.

My pretty pony …

Hot mess of hockey hair goo-goo-goodness is EVERYTHING a Foxy Friday should be and more. If a picture speaks a 1000 words then it’s a wonder the internet hasn’t exploded when a picture of this man is uploaded because when his parents conceived him that egg said not only “yes, yes, yes”, I mean “oui, oui, oui”  but that sperm had to have broken land speed records getting in there.

What? These guns? I’m a peaceful man … but DO. NOT. CROSS. ME.

He’s Pittsburgh’s workhorse but he’s not afraid to mix it up.

Ovi has a crush on him too – and who wouldn’t? I think pretty  much all hockey players would put Kris at the top of all their lists.

Excuse me guys, can I just squeeze in between you two for my dream sandwich?

I could pick his skate-gate out a 100 hockey player’s because it’s about as beautiful as his hair!

Watching him skate backwards SHOULD BE AN OLYMPIC SPORT – just sayin’ – it’s already an ALL-STAR GAME spectacle 😉

I love summer because the thought of Kris being shirtless somewhere hot, keeps me going until I can see him on the ice come fall!

This is SOOOOOOO last summer Kris. Come on …. cut us girls a break.

We usually tout the Foxy Friday’s NHL prowess in the post but he’s already got the Stanley Cup, been nominated for a Norris Trophy, been robbed a couple of years by NOT being nominated, and yet, I think they are just jealous.  

Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me … ok – Bon Jovi, I am not.

A guy who is this damn good-looking, can skate backwards with rainbows flowing all around him and lay a punch on you, make you see unicorns fly over head only to have you thank him after he’s scored on you both ON AND OFF THE ICE – is truly the FOXIEST guy in the NHL.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

This is not really happening.

- Posted in Newsies, Trades

Lord.  The Flyers signed Shea Weber to a $110 million, 14-year offer sheet.  I’ve only been awake for four hours and I’m already sick of this.

In non-140 character speak, he has accepted their offer to be paid like this:

The Predators have seven days to match the offer.  If they don’t, they’ll get 4 first-round draft picks from the Flyers.

Holy cow, people.  First off, the Preds went to arbitration last season because they didn’t want to pay Weber $7+ million for 3 years.  Too bad, he was awarded $7.5 million for 2011-12.  This $110/million deal averages to $7.86 million a year.  Weber will be 27 when the season starts and before he turns 33, over 72% of the contract will have been paid out.  Astronomical numbers, but the average and the front-loading sound like pretty good deals.  In 7-10 years from now, $6 million/year will probably be peanuts compared to what the kids are getting paid.  After that $13 million/year bonus disappears in 4 years, Weber becomes even more attractive trade bait.

More attractive than this?

 My head hurts.

Bonuses count against the salary cap.  The Preds have room under their cap for a deal like this.  Here’s the best part: it’s front-loaded to discourage the Predators from signing because… Weber will earn $27 million in the first *calendar* year of this deal.  WTF, how is that possible? [link]  Here’s how:

If they match, the Preds would have him for 14 years.  But does Weber want to stay in NSH?  Arbitration last summer, would have been UFA next summer, and now this.  Is Shea sick of waiting for a deal, or trying to jump ship?

And if the Preds match, they have to keep Weber for one season before trying to trade.  That one season will cost them $27 million.  Unhappy player vs a shit-ton of money?  I’d give anything to know what Weber’s feeling on Nashville really is.

Bigger meets BetterFasterMore.

The really important part of this conversation is: STAY OUT OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, SHEA WEBER.

This is my nightmare.  Shea Weber as a Flyer.  Ice crews trained to squeegee my favorite players’ faces/blood/talent off the glass in arenas up and down the eastern seaboard.  Watching every game through my fingers.  Knowing Sid is out there six games against this guy, instead of one.  Or Nicky B.  Anyone.  Oh God.

Sorry, Blackhawks.  Keep your heads up out there.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled day of watching Twitter so see what happens next.  I don’t know if this post even makes sense after so many numbers.

Big Money, No Whammies!

- Posted in Newsies, Pants Loves

As you may have heard amid all the screaming yesterday, Mike Green has re-signed with the Capitals.  Of course it happened on a Monday!  He got a three year deal worth $18.25 million.  The deal pays him $6 million for the next two seasons and $6.25 million in 2014-15.

That is not a typo.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Is this too much money? ”

Yes.

Is this too many pancakes?  ‘Cause I’m going to eat them all anyway.

Well done, Mike.  He played hard to get and GMGM is clearly hoping Green puts out on prom night.  This ties Mike for 13th highest-paid defenseman in the NHL (for now, there are free agents).  Of those he has the shortest contract.  He’ll make the same salary next season as Zdeno Chara. [link]

Let me rephrase that: Mike got a $750k raise over the last two seasons, in which he played, respectively, 49 and 32 games.  Also announced, he will star in the remake of Office Space and unleash his fury on the puck that keeps hitting him in the head/produce section (haha, same thing).

Now where is my stapler?

Thus the games begin.  If Mike has a superstar year like his back-to-back Norris Trophy nominations of yore, we’ll be saying he’s a steal at only half what the Wild are paying Ryan Suter.  If not, well at least the Caps traded Wideman.

As Captain of the HMCS Mike Green, I love this deal.   (Her Majesty’s Canadian Ship.  This is a new spy movie franchise waiting to happen.)  My alter ego is a little dumbfounded.  The Caps need a winger to replace Semin. They have not re-signed iCarly, who deserves a huge raise over the $787.5k he made last year (end of entry-level contract).  We’re spending our back-to-school money on sneakers and coats, don’t forget to buy school supplies!

The Yeas and Nays of Mike Green are deliberated wisely at Puck Daddy [link].

Concerns aside, now that Mike has a contract we can enjoy the summer.  Good times are coming, I can feel it.

Here’s audio of Mike’s conference call discussing the deal [link], in which no one asked about his tight jeans or hand tattoo.  Yet people complain that no one reads the newspaper.

Mikey Monday: Hot Pants

- Posted in Mikey Monday, Pants Loves, Uncategorized

“You got your Tony Lama’s on, your jeans pressed tight….” – Jimmy Buffett

(Psst. Tony Lama’s are cowboy boots.)

Put down your cereal spoon give thanks for Eileen Duong.  Not only is she lucky and generous, but she takes a wicked cell phone photo.

(All photos with permission, from eileenduong.tumblr.com)

Yesterday, Mike turned down the Capitals 1-year, $5 million qualifying offer.  Since he declined salary arbitration earlier this month, he’s still a Restricted Free Agent.  Just figuring out how to sign a contract that keeps him in DC as long as I’m here!  No really, Green’s deal with the Caps will likely get done. [link]

Now back to the good part…


This is obviously a little hockey clinic of some sort.  If you’re going to show me tight jeans and cowboy boots, you cannot expect me to remember to ask where the pictures were taken.  They’re from Canada.  That’s all you need to know.

Really though, his pants.  The second Gator starts laughing in the office next door I will know she’s seen his skinny jeans.

Also, that’s new ink on the back of Mike’s right hand. (The more I look at it, the more I think it’s drawn on. Very artfully, but not permanent.)


(We interrupt this program for a repeat of the breakdown I had over his sleeve tattoo.  As the only person who doesn’t like them, WHY MIKE?!?!)

We’re back.  I blacked out thinking about how much it must have hurt.

Focus on the boots, yeah?

Let’s hope Mike’s contract is dotted, crossed and announced soon, so we can all have as good a day as Eileen did yesterday.  Thanks, girl!

Foxy Friday: Teemu Selanne

- Posted in Foxy Friday, Hot Like Fire, We Love

We should be ashamed of ourselves.

How is it that in the almost two years that we’ve been doing this feature, that we haven’t yet honored one of the foxiest hockey players of all time?

Shame on us!

Well, we redeem ourselves today by honoring the one…the only…the future NHL Hall of Famer….the Finnish Flash himself….

TEEEEEEEMMMMMMMUUUUUUUU!

When you’ve been playing in the league for almost 20 years, there is no shortage of foxy.  So here they are…

Current career NHL stats: 1,341 games played.  663 goals.  743 assists.  1,406 points.  +97 rating. 620 penalty minutes.  248 power play goals.  106 game-winning goals. 4,333 shots.

In short – he’s really, really, really good at hockey.

He set the rookie records in goals (76 ) and points (132!) in his first season with the Winnipeg Jets in ’92-’93 and won the Calder Trophy.

In five years with the Ducks, he had two 100-point seasons and was nominated for the Lady Byng.

He is the leading all time points leader in men’s Olympic ice hockey and has 3 medals (two bronze, one silver).

He is an avid car collector and has entered rally events in Finland under the alias “Teukka Salama” which translates into “Ted Flash”.

His kids’ names are Eemil, Eetu, Leevi, and Veera.  They sure do love their double Es in Finland.  He taught kindergarten for three years before coming to the NHL which makes him insanely more loveable.  As does this video.

This week, not only did he celebrate his 42nd birthday, (Seriously.  What is in the water in Finland?  The man doesn’t look a day over 35.) but he also announced that he would be returning to the NHL and the Ducks after signing a one-year deal.

We’re not sure how things will fare in Anaheim this year considering their start last year and the trade rumors surrounding Bobby Ryan, but whatever the outcome, we’re glad to know that #8 is going to be part of it.

I’m a Winner Either Way

- Posted in Off-Season Projects, Pants Loves

When we first heard about Smashfest, the Dominic Moore-organized NHL ping pong tournament benefitting concussion research, there was some high-pitched screaming.  Are you offering me a comically competitive sport, beer AND Steven Stamkos?  All you want is money?!

Why Am I Not Canadian? Episode #247

I believe we came up with this idea during a playoff intermission when there were no Mites on Ice to entertain us.  It might have specified beer pong or strip ping pong (I played that once, try it), but Claude Giroux has that market cornered for the summertime.

The NHL lineup goes on…

But obviously the most important part is this:

SHANNON MOORE.  That’s me!  Ever since my wedding, my goal in life was a photo of Ryan & Dom standing next to each other in their Lightning jerseys with my full name spelled across their shoulders.  (Dream big, kids.)  Damned trades to the Sharks!

But I’ve found my consolation prize, in the final round of Smashfest 2012:

Final Round: Team Moore vs. Team Shannon

Notwithstanding the performance of Team Rookie of My Life Logan Couture, or the fact that ping pong is apparently the only thing Stamkos isn’t perfect at, I have won this tournament either way!  And for that, I’d like to thank whoever is sending me to Canada to preside over next year’s event.

Gratuitous photo of why I don’t care if you’re any good at ping pong…

All the photos from the event [link] – enjoy!

Tee Time

- Posted in Toews does Squats, We Love

Somewhere in the world, Jonathan Toews is playing golf [link].

It’s July.  Work with us on the “news” here.

It’s for a good charitable cause too –  not just an excuse to dust of the old “Toews Does Squats” category.

Okay, it’s arguably not a squat.  But who says Captain Wonder Bread is not fun?  What are you looking at, Jon?  Can you really see better now?  This is so gratuitous it’s practically a Magic Mike dance move – forget quiet golf-clapping.  We brought US Dollars (none of that coin currency nonsense).

Someone filmed this and lived to upload it.  Or maybe it shared itself like the video from The Ring and now that you’ve seen it…

Jonathan was also nice enough to ruin the expectations of these two little girls before they even had a chance to like normal boys:

A lot of stories are reporting that Tazer is calling and texting players as part of the Hawks trade and recruitment strategy for the off-season.  Don’t all captains do this?  It didn’t work on Parise, but might work on Shane Doan [link].

Also, we get unlimited text messaging.  Just saying.

Enjoy the part at 3:12 where Jon actually cheats.  At a sport.  While laughing.  See?  Sense of humor!

(This one is for Amanda, Lindsay, Jess and Alison.  By the power of Twitter.)

A Little Less Conversation…

- Posted in Glamour Shots, Off-Season Projects

Oh Brad Richards.  Did I fail to realize, in the blinding dazzle of your Foxy Friday teeth, that you are in fact insufferably boring?  Am I judging you too harshly (based on this one interview)?

Check out Brad’s photo shoot and feature about about posing starkers for ESPN Magazine’s “The Body Issue”… in which he doesn’t even crack a smile.

The real Britney shows more life when she’s Xanax-synching her way through “I’m a Slave 4 U.”   I fell asleep in under 50 seconds, Brad!

Excuse us if you’re so perfect you’re not shy.  How about some false modesty, or at least a faint blush?  You’re wearing a bathrobe.  Your chest has been oiled by a professional who does that stuff for money, and not just on Craigslist.  (Hey, where does one apply for this job? What is the interview process?)  Nothing?!

Maybe when you look like this you don’t need to be liked try.

Here are all the Body Issue athlete photos [link] – very impressive physiques all around, of course, and a lot of the photos are really fun.  Like fun enough to make us start a soccer blog.

If I’m wrong about Brad Richards and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Interview, my apologies.  Maybe he was hungover.  I can’t bring myself to do research on the topic without a 5 Hour Energy in hand, or to believe he lived with James Neal!  Guess who’s the life of that party?  Neal gets his neighbor to make him breakfast, for heaven’s sake.  I wouldn’t make Brad a bet right now.

New campaign: Crosby 2013 and a wide-angle lens.

Mikey Monday: Near Miss

- Posted in Mikey Monday

On Friday, I was meeting our friend Matt at Shake Shack in DC for lunch.  He called me five minutes before I was due to arrive: “Mike Green is here.  Mike Green is here.”  Needless to say I ran out of a meeting and hustled up there… only to miss him by about 30 seconds.

Me: “Are you sure it was Mike Green?”

Matt: “Yes.  I do read your blog.”

Boo.  That’s the second time someone’s seen Mike out & about and I’ve missed it by moments!  Third time’s a charm?

Last week he declined arbitration [link], so hopefully Mike was back in DC negotiating his contract with the Caps.  On the 4th of July, he hosted his 2nd annual charity golf tournament for Kidsport Alberta.  Money was raised, golf was played, interviews were done [audio]:

 Also, as with any good off-season event, shorts were worn.

Or as The Inappropriate Hockey Fan (and some of us) would say:

Yeah, you don’t mind seeing that picture twice.  Photos from:  www.facebook.com/kidsportcalgary

Foxy Friday: Ryan Suter

- Posted in Foxy Friday, Like a Boss, Off-Season Projects, We Love

To say that Ryan Suter is having a good week would be an understatement.

Wednesday was America’s birthday.  Ryan being a member of Team USA and proud American, we’re pretty sure he threw a pretty raging bbq.

Sparklers. Potato Salad.  Inflatable Pool Beer Pong.  The whole nine yards.

Then on the same day, he signed a BIG FAT MONSTER 13 year, $98 million dollar contract with the Minnesota Wild.

AMERICA!  More sparklers.

But today is definitely the best day of Ryan Suter’s week.

It’s Friday and everyone loves Fridays.

But more importantly, Ryan becomes a member of a very elite fraternity of NHL players. We call it Phi Phi Phi.  You might know it as…

Foxy Friday.

However, the reasons above do not solely make one worth of this prestigious honor and induction in to Phi Phi Phi.  Ryan has several other qualities that make him a worthy Foxy Friday honoree.

  • Hockey Pedigree.  Ryan is the son of Bob Suter, who was a member of the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team that defeated the Russians in Lake Placid.  Everyone know how we feel about all things “Miracle” related. Also his uncle, Gary, is a NHL Hall of Famer and was the first American to win the Calder Trophy.
  • Statistics.  The 2011-2012 season was Ryan’s career best.  79 games played, 7 goals, 39 assists, 45 points, and a + 15 rating.

  • He’s #1.  Well, #7 actually.  Ryan was drafted seventh overall by the Nashville Predators in the 2003 NHL Entry Draft.  Also in his draft class – Marc-Andre Fleury, Mike Richards, Corey Perry, Jeff Carter, Eric Staal, and his new Wild teammate, Zach Parise

  • Epic Bromance Potential.  Speaking of Zach…both signed identical contracts with the Wild on the same day!  Both from the Midwest (Zach is from Minnesota, Ryan from Wisconsin.)  Both played for Team USA.  Both drafted in 2003.  Both are adorable.  Forget Parise Watch.  We’re on Bromance Watch.

  • Golden Boy.  Ryan has represented the US in ten international tournaments and has won 3 gold medals.  Unfortunately, he missed out on gold in the 2010 Olympics (one and only time I hated Canada) but we’re pretty sure he’ll get another shot in 2014 in Sochi, Russia.

  • Military Might.  Ryan played at the Culver Military Academy where he scored 45 points in 26 games.  That’s an average of 1.7 points per game.  Also, he can iron creases in his pants so sharp, they’ll cut you.  (Full disclosure, it has been Fleet Week here in Boston.  Lots of men in uniform around here. Sensory/ovary overload.)
  • Puppies. Cute boys + puppies = WUYS meltdown.

When you take all this into a count, it’s not hard to see why Ryan would get this week’s honor.  With in just a couple of days, he has become part of the THE biggest story in the off-season.

Personally, we’re dying to see what happens in Minnesota this season.

Will the Wild’s gamble pay off?

Will the team make the playoffs?

If they do, how far will they go?

Or will the liquidation of their piggy back be all for naught?

Check back with us in March…