Friends in Low Places

- Posted in Deep Thoughts, We Love

There are two kinds of people in my life.  People who understand why this:

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Makes me:

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And people who don’t.  The first type understands what this means, even if they prefer a different jersey.

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They understand how I can love someone:

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While at the same time wishing to crush their lifelong hopes and dreams.

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They know what it’s like to be this guy:

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And dream of being these people every damned summer.

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They’re the ones (Americans) who gasped upon noticing this clip in the new Sports Center commercial:

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They love sassy interns:

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And are the kind of people responsible for this early birthday present designed specifically for me:

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They know why this picture of Matt Niskanen under a tree holding what I first thought was a turtle set me off laughing for half an hour.

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These people understand that today (until 6:59 PM ET), we are all one.  We’re thrilled to have a whole season in front of us in which all of our favorite teams all obviously win the Cup.  Love your fellow hockey fan right now.

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Because when the clock strikes 7 PM:

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Some people don’t get it: the love, the fear, the four-letter words and wearing the same outfit, how a fight can change a game or a shift can make 45 seconds seem endless, the mullets and missing teeth.  I can’t hold that against them.  Today I simply tell anyone who isn’t a hockey person:

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To all you hockey people, we’re very glad to know you.  Now, stop checking out cute boys on other teams, wondering if you’d look better in another color scheme and cursing your management for doing everything wrong.  Remember every cheap shot and blown call from last year, how you felt when it finally started and how you felt when it ended way too soon.

It’s time to focus.  Or at least try.

love you schutlzDamnit, Oilers.

Happy 2013-2014 NHL Hockey Season, everyone!

The Day Has Come

- Posted in Things We Learned on Twitter

Thanks to everyone who sent this to me while I was at the county fair last night. My reaction noise definitely startled some livestock.

James Neal appears to have extended his tattoo to a full sleeve.

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All together now… “UGH.”

Okay, that was just me.  And what I really said was, “CoughMikeGreencough.”

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I don’t hate it – it’s tough to even see it and I bet it’s not finished. Let’s say I’m not really looking forward to more.  Unless James gives us a hipster glasses-and-tank top selfie for examination – there are brownie points to be had here.  Also if there is a little 71 hidden in there somewhere.

So enjoy this while waiting for a glimpse of more.  I’ll be over here taking solace in the fact that Crosby would never do this to me.  Look at him there at the end, all short and built like a brick house.

(Posting from my phone, sorry if this is a mess!)

Let’s Talk About…

- Posted in Pants Loves, Uncategorized

I wish you guys could have been in my living room while I was watching this.

 

It’s only pre-season and Mr. Pants’ attempts to get attention over hockey have reached new heights.  He immediately started blasting music and dancing.  When that didn’t work, he went into the kitchen and started doing the dishes. Desperation mode.

Sorry, nothing distracts when Sid is on TV – and I don’t need to hear him.

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Poor Crosby, it’s not his fault every interview is deadly boring.  I’d almost given up hope when Alison sent this Pittsburgh Post-Gazette story about Sid, Duper and Kunitz.  It’s cute and sassy and they you get to this:

black cat

CAPTAIN CRAZYPANTS, we love you.  This is the kind of stuff Kathryn Tappen should be asking.  If she could keep a straight face.  Fear of black cats is the lamest superstition available and frankly Sid, I expected more out of you.

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Since Kathryn has a lot going on in these interviews, including being a poised, professional broadcaster, we’d like to suggest a few questions should she ever start to nod off while Sid’s sports cliche-ing ad nauseum:

Do you buy a new white shirt for every interview?  Or is that Oxy Clean magic?

Do your new teeth still feel weird?  They’re still kinda weird to us.

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Were you nervous that folding chair might not be up to the task?

Do you like this mood lighting?

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What kind of moisturizer to do you use?

Do you ever vacation in, say, Nebraska, where no one recognizes you?

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Would you marry a commoner American?

Really, why is it so dark in here?

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If a black cat suddenly appeared from the shadows, what would you do?

Explain this look.

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Now that it’s gone, can I just…?

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Remember that time you hit a home run at batting practice?

Do you have any more of these shirts?

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Will you make me a PB&J?

Are you busy on November 22? I want to see Catching Fire.

Since this happened:

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And this is happening:

martin

What are the chances of this Halloween costume?

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Have you ever given out James Neal’s phone number instead of your own?

Would you do that now?

Was this headline a little misleading?

crosby3

Do you ever not say what you want to say in an interview?

sid geno

Are you doing it right now?

crosby2

That’s a Lot of Cows

- Posted in Uncategorized

This is from the dark and horrible days of the lockout, but I bring it to you now for one reason:

When John Tavares does something right, scores a goal and/or tucks in his shirt (so, every day), I’m going to say, “That’s a lot of cows.”

#thatslotofcows

 

He doesn’t say “yeah,” he says “yes.”  And he loves bread.  ME TOO!! OMIGOD!!  But we need to have a talk about Ovaltine and the possibility, however minute, that JT91 may have never see A Christmas Story.

I have imaginarily broken up with people I don’t know over less.

cows

For now, just leave me here with my chin in my hands, drinking a milkshake, watching this on repeat.

(Kudos to Lindsay for sending this video and generally being the bestever.)

The Guy Can’t Help It

- Posted in Uncategorized

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha.  I’m crying.

hank

The internet is KILLING it today!  Hank directs a Head & Shoulders commercial and finds that if you want something done PERFECTLY you have to do it your own perfect Swedish self.

 

Between the slow motion and the leather jacket, we are a mustache away from a Mangum PI remake.  Starring a vampire.

(Thanks again to Lindsay, official finder of things that make our day.)

Take This Job and…

- Posted in Pants Loves

Suddenly this morning, I am considering a new career.

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In videography.  What, you thought I meant physical therapy?

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The idea being to fix something so your patient never needs to return?  Oh no.

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Videography is much easier.  I’ll just light and zoom and let James and his tattoos do all the work for me.

 

If you heard a scream this morning, it was Lindsay finding this video. In Calgary. Thanks doll!

Mikey Monday: We’re Back

- Posted in Mikey Monday, Pants Loves

Oh Monday.  It’s been a while since I was so excited to see your face.

And by your face, I mean Mike Green’s.

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The Capitals Convention was this weekend, so Mike’s friends are along to make your Monday better.  I had a hot date with Deb (@DLF1021) and Pam (@sunnyinNJ) who packed their high-powered cameras.  Every picture here is used with their permission – please don’t steal them!

There was a player ping pong tournament in which Nicky B looked adorable:

dlf1021gHe got in trouble for cursing at a later panel.  Piglet dropping f-bombs.

And Troy Brouwer wore these shorts:

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Photographing the screen was the only way to get all that, but here’s a money shot from RussianMachineNeverBreaks.com.

The competition was (not at all) serious.

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While Deb & Pam watched shorts run around on stage, my randomly selected autograph session ticket ended up being for Mike Green.  I personally vouch for his hair being 1000% and I even managed not to fall off the stage.

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Just when I thought the highlight of the day had happened, Mike participated in a cooking competition.  Making grilled cheese sandwiches.

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Did I write this script or what?  While the PA played Bieber and Britney, Mike and his fan-assistants won all three rounds of the contest.  He looked pretty pleased with himself and relieved not to have set the place on fire.

dlf1021fAll this *and* I can boil water.

While we all have a weakness for sandwiches, the best panel of the day was Locker Room Stories hosted by @wyshynski.

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Brooks Laich, Eric Fehr and Aaron Volpatti told lots of redacted stories about pranks and superstitions that had us cracking up and other players’ ears ringing, even on their new teams.

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We also decided that Brooks Laich should run for President.  He’s diplomatic and sensible all while being ridiculously charming and having great legs.  It’s a combination so powerful the law should overlook the fact he wasn’t born in the USA.

dlf1021eIt wasn’t me.

Deb and Pam capped off their weekend with Caps practice yesterday, which I sadly missed.  Perhaps it was for the best, considering this happened:

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Yup, I’ll just stay over.  Behind the glass.  Sitting on my hands.

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Welcome back, Monday.

Birthday Boy: John Tavares

- Posted in Birthday Boy, Pants Loves

Everyone’s favorite hot middle school science teacher and un-ironic wearer of khaki pants turns 23 today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN TAVARES!

johntavares from mistfarer, tagged #boyfriendfilter

Yes, 23.

Our love for John is not new – he was Foxy Friday back in March 2012 – but we have been a bit, er, cult-ish lately.  He had a big summer!  What else are we supposed to do?

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John was named captain of the Islanders, made a sex workout tape, and out-styled the NYR with his amazing hair – which was promptly ruined in literal and figurative form by a NY Yankees hat.  We even did a whole post about his pants (cross reference: tucked-in polo, belt).

We learned that if/WHEN he’s named to Team Canada 2014, he won’t wear #91 which really puts me and @linzerellak in a jam over t-shirt shopping.

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Last season, John was nominated robbed, admit it for the Hart Trophy and finished 3rd in goals (including 9 PPG + 5 GWG) with a career-high .58 GPG.  He figured in 35% of goals the NYI scored.  He came way too close for comfort (closer than history will reflect) to eliminating the Penguins from the playoffs.

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Chuck mentioned he’s half-Polish, right?  At top volume?

John talked to Athletes Quarterly about his favorite off-ice things, and shot an arrow through our hearts with:

john1

Read that feature.  The first person who brings us video of John Tavares singing Green Day at karaoke gets… Lord, you can have Intern Jeff Skinner.  (For a week.  Don’t get crazy.)

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The Fourth Period (and everyone else) has praised John’s diplomacy and wisdom beyond his years.

fourthperiod Don’t worry John, that’s what I’m here for.

John got a little nervous talking to Alyonka Larianov, and joked that he hopes to look “half decent” when his knocked-out teeth are replaced.  She told him he’s “doing all right.”  Amen, sister.

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Smoother than this time he straight up told Kathryn Tappen he was single.

john9 3:24 of John struggling not to giggle.

Endless adorkableness.  This season, we are bringing it all to you.

john10I could be Dauntless.  I would jump right onto this moving train.

So while we contemplate getting one of these for the office:

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You guys wish John a happy birthday and get ready for a whole new season of awkward videos and tucked-in shirts!

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The Isles host the Devils tomorrow in the first hockey game ever played at their future home, Barclays Center in Brooklyn.  It will be the smallest arena in hockey (around 14,500 seats).  You can read about the strange, off-center seating arrangement here and see a map of tickets available for tomorrow night’s game here.  It’ll be interesting to see how this goes!

Fashion Island

- Posted in Glamour Shots

The NY Islanders are really making a play for prominence both on the ice and in the New York media, all before their 2015 move to Brooklyn.

I did not enjoy how close they came in last year’s playoffs vs. the Penguins.  But I do enjoy anyone taking on the the Rangers because, well, I hate those guys.  Before this season has even started, the Islanders have stepped onto another battlefield usually dominated by the NYR: the fashion pages.

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(Yes, that’s Tyra in a Rangers jersey brushing Lindsay Lohan’s hair.  Not fake.)

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Former Foxy Friday Matt Martin is featured in the new Athlete’s Quarterly.

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Here’s the feature – Athletes Quarterly – which contains what may be the best typo that ever existed solely to make my point for me:

“Martin, a 24-year-old left wing brings to the team a hybrid skill set that seems to be coming into Vogue in the NHL.”

Because Vogue should always be capitalized.

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We typically prefer our fights full of blood, sweat and hockey tears, but it’s a win/win if these teams want to duke it out on the runway too.

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Matt also attended the VMAs last month, held at the Barclay Center-slash-Isles’ future home.  We could get used to this.

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Side note: there is no problem that can’t be cured with 10 minutes of Tyra Banks gifs.  Go on, try it.

Intern Intervention

- Posted in Intern Jeff Skinner, Things We Learned on Twitter

Remind a girl – how did we have fun before Twitter?

While this picture is funny (and by funny I mean ALARMING and BACK UP, HONEY), the best part comes from our friends at @Section328:

skinner

Now, now.  I like TSwizzle and have been known to bust into a sing-along at the top of my lungs.  Her bangs and eyeliner are always superb.  Let those of us who recorded a karaoke version of Paula Abdul’s “It’s Just the Way That You Love Me” on family vacation in 1988 throw no stones.  We enjoy Taylor as long as she’s not assuming the most fun we ever had at 22 was breakfast at midnight.

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But Intern Jeff Skinner, it’s time for a review of your time here at WUYS.  The whole reason for your internship is to lift heavy things get me a candy bar learn valuable life lessons.  Apparently we have failed you.

First, you gave her your own jersey.  Ho-hum-humblebrag, but be careful.  A hickey from Kenickie is not like a Hallmark card.  If she’s going to wear your number, you should probably make sure it’s the only one she’s wearing.

Jeff Skinner

It’s not.

taylor2Bonus points for sparkly guitars.

Dear Pot, this is Kettle and I’ll call you whatever color I want.  The only person allowed to like this many teams is me.  

taylor3Nashville, makes sense.

Seriously, this looks like my t-shirt drawer.  And it makes no sense which is why I don’t get photographed by paparazzi.

taylor4 Her Leafs jersey looks purple.  Next lesson: color safe bleach.

And this.

taylor1Well she is from Pennsylvania.

How many of these guys are still Penguins, Jeff?  ZERO.  You don’t see JStaal running to give Taylor his New Storm jersey.  Take notes.

jstaal

Third, heartbreak does not qualify as a reason to take off work.  We aren’t going to make our own copies and screencap our own pictures of Mike Green’s hair.  The freezer is full of vodka, you cannot keep your misery-drowning pints of Chunky Monkey in there.

bridget We will watch Bridget Jones with you, though.

Mostly don’t make us pretend to hate a Taylor Swift song because it’s about you.  You are not a new Maserati on a dead end street (Mike Green, however, has a Maserati).  When you’re 15, which is now, and somebody tells you to run like heck you need to believe them.  I can go on.  We know trouble when it walks in.

Remember this?

Taylor-and-Sidney

No one cared it was the worst Photoshop ever.  Girls mutinied against the interwebs like Sarah Connor trying to take down SkyNet.  Imagine what they’d do to iTunes, Jeff.

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Back to reality.

We have no reason to believe Intern Jeff Skinner is doing anything more than standing next to Taylor Swift, or that he broke up with his actual girlfriend (who we’ve never heard of but she’s adorable and on Canadian TV).  This is more likely a bid to buddy up to Ed Sheeran.  All signs point to a happy intern with no vindictive/addictive pop songs dropping in the near future.  Plus Jeff’s hair isn’t really up to Taylor’s standards.  No offense.

Take our advice on this one, Jeff, since you’re clearly not listening to other things we warn against.

jeff skinner

If you’re not following Jeff on Twitter then honestly I don’t know what you’re doing with your life.  He’s so pithy he clearly wants to us to let him blog.

Best Thing I’ve Ever Read at 1:49 AM.

- Posted in Breakin' It Down, We Love

It’s 1:49 AM and I’m crying laughing.  Why, you might ask?

The best thing I’ve read in ages:

Do the John Tavares Workout at Home – Lighthouse Hockey

tavares

I don’t know which part is best, the warning to not actually do any of these things or the “Extra Work” that includes (and I quote):

After completing all of the above steps, it’s important to pick up any odd jobs you can find around town, such as painting all of your neighbor’s houses (both interiors and exteriors), walking any dogs they have or filing their income taxes.

Income taxes.  I can’t.  Look at the end of the URL when you click the link.

Now go buy yourself ten packets of limo Jell-O mix and read it again.

Interview with a…

- Posted in Glamour Shots, Well OBVIOUSLY.

Be honest.

Henrik Lundqvist is probably a vampire.

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I read a lot of young adult fiction, which clearly qualifies me as an expert on this topic.  Not just Twilight, but Chuck and I are racing through The Mortal Instruments series and everyone’s saying we need to read Vampire Academy.  My point was proven yesterday when I assumed everyone knew that vampires are very fast.  Apparently their secrets are still safe from some humans.

Look at these photos, consider the traits they capture and tell me this is a normal human being:

  • Ridiculously handsome

henrik1Click any photo for higher res, or visit the new edition of MrPorter.com.

  • Preternatural agility, speed and reflexes

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  • Nearly unflappable calm

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You may ask (I hope you’re not asking guys, come on. Really.) how a vampire could show up in photos.  Well it worked on Buffy, and around here what Joss Wheadon says, goes.

  • Classic, elegant style in keeping with any era of history.

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  • Does pretentiously uber-wealthy things like lie on pianos over imported tile without irony

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  • No reflection in this window

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  • Doesn’t age

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  • Sparkles in the sun

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  • Lives in the city that never sleeps

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  • Perfect teethhenrik16
  • Casually eschews basic human prejudices, like wearing black with navy

Henrik Lundqvist

  • Visits Italy

henrik13GQ.com feature

  • Feasts once a year, in the playoffs, on the bright red blood of the Washington Capitals

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I’m onto something here, I can feel it.  Maybe it’s because I just finished A Discovery of Witches (not YA, thanksverymuch), which reads like 594 pages of describing King Henrik to someone who’s never watched a Rangers game.

Now excuse me while I put on Concrete Blonde’s Bloodletting and plan my Halloween costume.

Step Into the Light

- Posted in Awards, Pants Loves, Things We Learned on Twitter

Sneaker Ball, the annual charity event that encourages sports to enhance the lives of children, was held last night in DC.  Guess who won an award?

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The JB (James Brown) Impact Award goes to an athlete who “has demonstrated outstanding involvement in the community and has used sport to positively impact the area….  Through actions of service to the community, he or she has reflected the ideals of not only a great athlete, but of an exceptional DC citizen.” [Sneakerball.org]

Congratulations, Mike!

Mike does a lot of charity work in the DC area, including the annual So Kids Can playground build with Kaboom!  Last year’s event was fantastic [link] and I signed up for this year’s build on September 26.  It looks like spots are still open!  Sign Up Here

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Mike was joined by some very well-dressed Caps teammates at last night’s event.

Karl Alzner: Best Suit

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Steve Oleksy: Best Shoes (you can almost see them!)

Joel Ward: Best Vest

caps3I really do love vests.

And just because the Caps posted it to their Instagram, making it internet official and public:

Belated congrats to Mike on getting engaged.  His fiancee obviously has excellent taste in guys and possibly even better taste in dresses.  (Sorry Mike, but that is a killer gown.)  Is it too soon to start asking about faux-hawked babies?  Do I sound like my mom right now?

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At the moment we’ll settle for Mike’s own hair, in all it’s glory, at 2013 Caps Media Day.

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Need I recall last year, when I was “99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata” over Mike’s photo? [link]  Time heals all wounds.

Bring on the season.

Summer’s Almost Gone

- Posted in Instagramtastic, Off-Season Projects, Things We Learned on Twitter

I cannot go away for one second!  It’s like Toy Story in here – I go outside and everything suddenly comes to life.  Where to begin?

#TeamEbs took over the NHL Instagram account and used the opportunity to make fun of Molly Ringwald.

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Our favorite boy band also introduced an act at the Canadian Country Music Awards.  (All the things I love – hockey, Canada, country music – in one place.)

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The NHL had their Media Day and Sidney Crosby took his hockey stick to the prom (again).

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John Tavares was named the 14th captain of the USS NY Islanders.  Just when you think it can’t get more adorkable, he says “heck” in his speech, wears black shorts with black shoes and just about kills us all. (Press conference |  Interview)

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He also did a… workout video.  That should be Rated R.  Hey!  I am not the one who says “explosive hip thrusts” fifty times.

Proof that JT91 is the nicest: Everyone says “Tavahhhres” while John says “TavAIRes.”  I bet he never corrects anyone.

Also, the Hawks went to a Bears game.

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Resulting in the best Tweet of the weekend:

hawks2 (Source: @Drunk_Kane88, thanks to @Brn_idPensGrl for the send.)

The Penguins annual season ticket delivery happened.  This would need to take place with said Penguin being delivered to my house in an ambulance, then my mom could drive him home after the EMTs take me away.

As per usual, Crosby went to zero houses where anyone under 60 lives.  He did sweat his was handsomely through the attention.

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What’s cuter than awkward Sid?  GENO!  I have missed you!  He is 12 feet tall and doesn’t brush his hair.  Those are some Russian jeans he’s got on too.  Who cares?!  I want to hug him.

You can see them all at the Pens website, including this moment where Neal signs a baby.

neal

Speaking of Penguins, it’s JStaal’s birthday today.  I miss him.  Let’s all take a moment to wish the Canes a good season, and then eat some cake.

staal Jordan was our very first Happy Birthday post in 2010, and again in 2011.

This happened two weeks ago and I never even saw it – The Mike Green Clinic on What Shoes to Wear With Golf Shorts:

golf1Source: Twitter

Do you think d-men like Green and Seabs enjoy seeing scorers like Stammer and Bergy in the off-season?  One more from this tournament…

golf2More photos here.

That’ll teach me to go on vacation.  Just wait until the season starts!  I may not survive.  I’m sure there’s more right now but I must work because that Game Center Live bill is coming soon too.

(Who am I kidding?  Start that workout video again.)

Show Me The Real You

- Posted in Breakin' It Down, Deep Thoughts, Off-Season Projects

For a while, I’ve been secretly lamenting the sad lack of behind the scenes Bruins footage.  It seemed like every other team in the NHL was out there, posting juicy clips and video packages, giving their fans a delicious glimpse into their inner workings.

All franchises except the Bruins.

Perhaps they were and I just wasn’t looking hard enough, but at least that is the way that it seemed to me.  Other NHL franchises were using the immence power of the internet and social media and making their fans, new and old alike, fall butt-crazy in love with them.

To me it just seemed that the Bruins’ media relations/marketing/promotions departments didn’t get “it”.  And by “it”, I mean their fans’ deep desire and thirst to know the players on a level beyond what happened on the ice.  We are a city obsessed with sports and championships and social media, but there was something missing.

We all know that know that hockey players are some of the most down-to-earth, goofy, and humble athletes on the planet.  But the casual fan or the person who is just making their tentative steps in to the world of hockey fandom might not.  When you’re the #4 sport in the US and attempting to recover from a soul-crushing lockout, you need one thing – You need people to fall in love with you.

They only way to get someone to fall in love with you is to show them who you are – who you truly are.  Strip away the gloss and bring it down to what matters in this sport.  Grit. Determination. Passion. Personality.  That is how you are going to get people to love you.

Perhaps that is about to change.

On September 9th, NESN (aka New England Sports Network) will premiere a 13 episode series called “Behind the B”, giving fans a look into the life and times of the Stanley Cup Champs.  The program is narrated by Boston guy & hockey fan Denis Leary.

This is the first time ever that the team is going to be doing this and I’m hoping that this is going to be exactly what I’ve been waiting for.

BehindTheB - what will you see Click on image to watch trailer

My DVR is set.  And you know can expect some posts about the episodes on this blog.  Particularly about ,Adam McQuaid’s hair, Peter Chiarelli’s hockey genius, and Patrice Bergeron’s face.

Because it is perfect. Even Nash can’t help but stare.

For those of you not in the New England area, I really do hope you get a chance to see it somehow.

You might not love the Bruins, but I suspect that you might like them a little more when you get a chance to know them.

Plus they got Iggy now, so there’s that…

Adorbs.

 

Bienvenue Danny.

- Posted in Newsies, Pants Loves

We keep saying #isitOctoberyet?!?! when really, summer has been great.  It allowed me to forget that Danny Briere is now a Montreal Canadien.

briere2

Don’t get me wrong – this is better (for me) than Danny Briere being a Flyer.  Even if it gave him a sad and that hurt my heart.  I could get used to an increased use of French language, lack of orange and the Lightning being my favorite team in the new Atlantic Division.

Plus it’s always fun to give Chuck a hard time.

dannyb3Plaid pants. He still loves us.

Here’s Danny talking about his first experiences with his new team [Montreal Gazette story].  Check out all the correct accent marks in the feature yet in the video, his name is spelled “Brier.”  Oops.

Also my affection for guys in polo shirts has reached an alarming level.

 

More from CBC.ca.  I had also blocked out forgotten that Douglas “Crankshaft” Murray is now a Hab too.  Haven’t gotten past “the Penguins stunning playoff collapse,” as this article calls it.  Thanks for making sure that one still hurts.

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Birthday Boy – James Neal

- Posted in Birthday Boy, Pants Loves

Happy 26th birthday, Nealmobile!

When you came to the Penguins, we hardly knew you.  Since then, well, we hope you like this website dedicated mostly to your existence.   Think of it as a place to remember that getting older is a) inevitable and b) really working for you.

To celebrate, we share with everyone: 926 Days of James Neal

The day we looked up the New Guy’s picture:

neal1

The day we went to Pittsburgh and he won the game:

 

The day we committed long term to this relationship:

 

The next day, when we were not the only ones:

 

The last day he ever let someone else use the mirror:

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The day we knew this was going to get ridiculous:

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The day this officially got ridiculous:

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The loudest I have ever screamed about something that was not a goal:

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The day we realized how special James is:

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The day he told us he doesn’t wash his hair:

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The day we decided that is fine by us:

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The day we thought, “Oh, um, maybe not.”

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The day we took back our doubts forever:

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The day Alison & I traded jellybeans for magazines via international post:

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The day I changed my mind about tattoos:

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The day Nealer got sassy [video]:

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And never stopped:

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The day James was a window cling giveaway:

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All the days we’ve spent talking about the Gingerbeard:

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The day on which we were the most right about James:

 

And every other day:

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Yes, this guy:

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Became this guy:

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Which is exactly what we’ve spent our last few birthday wishes on.  Would it be greedy to ask for another 40 goals?  Or just enough that we haven’t seen too many pictures of his Ferrari this summer?

Now to get through the 30 days until hockey starts…

Flashback: Birthday Boy: James Neal (2011), Birthday Boy: James Neal (2012)

Team Canada – Casting Call 2

- Posted in Breakin' It Down, Olympics, We Love

Summer is over(-ish) and it’s time for Steven Stamkos to put away his white pants.  None of these fashion faux pas on reality TV, boys.

As the NHL season nears, players will fight for their teams and for spots on the 2014 Olympic roster.  And, of course, for a rose on our show.

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First rule of The Bachelorette: If we didn’t introduce you in our Casting Call first round, we didn’t see you enough.  Nothing kills a contestant like too little screen time.  That guy in the back on the group date, who hits the bar instead of hitting on the Bachelorette?  You’re not making it buddy.  Get wise now and get your face in front of the camera.

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Now, introducing more true love hopefuls for this season of The Bachelorette:

The Quarterback

This guy is THE GUY.  His qualifications obvious.  People whisper as he arrives.  Maybe it’s gone to his head a bit – he was late for the show because he missed his flight, after all.  But he’s got the goods.  While he may not end up being captain of the contestants, it’s well understood the Quarterback has earned that spot.  Surprisingly fun after several bottles of champagne, Jonathan Toews might just win this trophy too.

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The Brothers

We regret to announce that while they may make Team Canada, we have disqualified EStaal and Ginger Staal from our show.  Let’s face it – the Bachelorette, completely overwhelmed by all this testosterone, usually makes out with about ALL the guys on the show.  It’s just too weird.  Sorry boys, have the limo take you all the way to Thunder Bay.

Marc Staal, Eric Staal

Just don’t pack…

The One That Got Away

Oh man.  These choices are tough enough without seeing the guy who broke your heart.  Sure, he’s doing okay now.  And you’re fine.  But remember how much better you were together?  Do you think he remembers?  Is he the reason you ended up on this damned show?  Give your champagne to the Quarterback before you do the ugly cry and throw a shoe at Jordan Staal.

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Ugh – don’t expect him to be nice about this either.  Kick me right in the Penguins logo, whydon’tya.

canada5Did he bleach his hair or does the sun naturally have this effect on demigods?

The Hot Dad

There’s always one contestant with a kid.  It softens even the hardest Bachelorette heart, despite worries about losing her figure and ending up on US Weekly’s “Worst Beach Bodies” cover because she ate like Jessica Simpson in her condition.  She’ll rethink everything when this guy brings out his brood for a game of catch, puppy cuddles or whatever else it is that kids with adorable dads do for fun.  Don’t worry about The Hot Dad keeping up either.  Marty St. Louis might just out-score all these kids (again).

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The Class Clown

This guy is a quick favorite of any Bachelorette.  The Class Clown rescues her.  Whether it’s a pushy advance from the Quarterback or a boring tangent on soil erosion from the Freshman, he knows how to change a subject with a joke and no one’s the wiser.  Except our Bachelorette.  Have we mentioned PK Subban can pull a sled weighting about 8,000 pounds and his shorts are specially made of Kevlar? You know what they say: happy wife, happy life.

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The Cowboy

Country is so hot right now.  Every reality show has a redneck to show up the regular boys – catching his own dinner, opening doors, lassoing things he could have easily walked over and picked up.  Bet on a wilderness date in which he exposes the big city metrosexualness of even the manliest man on this show.  Just don’t get offended when he calls you “ma’am.”    Instead consider that Carey Price can do a full split and correctly ride a horse, all while making sure his hat never falls off.

canada13Congrats to Carey on what looks like a ridiculously fun wedding.

The Bromance

In a show about long-term relationship potential, we must nod to the greatest among us.  These guys have no time for the Bachelorette – either they weren’t at camp or made a vampire pact for immortality and no longer show up in photos.  Still they have that magic that unites them for better (LA) or worse (Philly), through good times (the Cup) and bad (the trades).  The Bachelorette should by Richie & Carts… and let them plan her actual bachelorette party.

Mike Babcock

You can see this Bachelorette has her work cut out for her.  We’ve barely cracked the 47 contestants for spots in Sochi – and big names like Patrick Sharp and #TeamEbs remain.  The good news is 25 will make the Canada Men’s Hockey roster, and a lot will depend on the first three months of the season.  So let’s see it boys.  Get on their radar (and ours), and see if we’ve got a rose with your name on it.

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What’s worse, that shirt or that a guy is wearing it?

Nevermind, it’s a tie.

On Pants

- Posted in Pants Loves

I can’t dedicate the required time to Team Canada without taking it as a paid job, but I can spend three minutes on this.

Remember the show Lost?  All that time on a deserted island, living off leaves and opening random hatches while everyone’s eyebrows stayed plucked?  The magic of television is everywhere, folks.

Don’t be fooled into thinking people just look this good without help.

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And so, a memo that anyone named Pants is qualified to write.

From: The Bachelorette Wardrobe Department
Re: John Tavares’ Pants

Option 1: Yes

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Option 2: Yes.  A thousand times, yes.

pants2Greatest Instagram ever: instagram.com/CBCOlympics

Option 3: No

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We are collectively obsessed with a guy who insists on tucking his polo into his khakis.  With a belt.  The other outfits above were provided to him, but this one John brought from home.

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Oh God, they’re getting closer.

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Corey Perry, thinking what we’re thinking.

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Goodbye bad boys and high heels and sneaking in after curfew.  Goodbye youth.  Hello mortgage payments, 401ks and sensible footwear decisions.  That sound you hear is a demographic closing behind you.

(You know… watch that middle .gif a few times and it’s really not so bad.)

Team Canada – Recess

- Posted in Olympics, Summer Lovin'

There is video from yesterday’s Team Canada ball hockey game.

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The players all look so happy – almost as happy as I would be if this were a t-shirt shop and I had a bag full of Canadian money.  Collect all 48!

There are moments when, as part of the unfreezing process, you have no inner monologue.  So here’s mine, in yellow and red, as this was going through my mind out loud:

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tc10 Toews love-fest from the Calgary Sun

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mine

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Family Photo!

tc8Click photo for larger version – from Sporting News

Hey, zoom in!

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These two.

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Or maybe…

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There are more videos at TSN (right sidebar).  Endless footage of fit guys running around sounds like the perfect way to spend a Tuesday.

Coming Soon: another round of The Bachelorette.  But first this bonus round…

Chris Kunitz, John Tavares, Sidney CrosbyWill JT91 be named next captain of the Islanders? – NHL.com

And click this one for the new desktop wallpaper of your life:

Sidney Crosby

You’re welcome.  Love, Canada