Team Canada – Casting Call 2

Summer is over(-ish) and it’s time for Steven Stamkos to put away his white pants.  None of these fashion faux pas on reality TV, boys.

As the NHL season nears, players will fight for their teams and for spots on the 2014 Olympic roster.  And, of course, for a rose on our show.


First rule of The Bachelorette: If we didn’t introduce you in our Casting Call first round, we didn’t see you enough.  Nothing kills a contestant like too little screen time.  That guy in the back on the group date, who hits the bar instead of hitting on the Bachelorette?  You’re not making it buddy.  Get wise now and get your face in front of the camera.


Now, introducing more true love hopefuls for this season of The Bachelorette:

The Quarterback

This guy is THE GUY.  His qualifications obvious.  People whisper as he arrives.  Maybe it’s gone to his head a bit – he was late for the show because he missed his flight, after all.  But he’s got the goods.  While he may not end up being captain of the contestants, it’s well understood the Quarterback has earned that spot.  Surprisingly fun after several bottles of champagne, Jonathan Toews might just win this trophy too.


The Brothers

We regret to announce that while they may make Team Canada, we have disqualified EStaal and Ginger Staal from our show.  Let’s face it – the Bachelorette, completely overwhelmed by all this testosterone, usually makes out with about ALL the guys on the show.  It’s just too weird.  Sorry boys, have the limo take you all the way to Thunder Bay.

Marc Staal, Eric Staal

Just don’t pack…

The One That Got Away

Oh man.  These choices are tough enough without seeing the guy who broke your heart.  Sure, he’s doing okay now.  And you’re fine.  But remember how much better you were together?  Do you think he remembers?  Is he the reason you ended up on this damned show?  Give your champagne to the Quarterback before you do the ugly cry and throw a shoe at Jordan Staal.


Ugh – don’t expect him to be nice about this either.  Kick me right in the Penguins logo, whydon’tya.

canada5Did he bleach his hair or does the sun naturally have this effect on demigods?

The Hot Dad

There’s always one contestant with a kid.  It softens even the hardest Bachelorette heart, despite worries about losing her figure and ending up on US Weekly’s “Worst Beach Bodies” cover because she ate like Jessica Simpson in her condition.  She’ll rethink everything when this guy brings out his brood for a game of catch, puppy cuddles or whatever else it is that kids with adorable dads do for fun.  Don’t worry about The Hot Dad keeping up either.  Marty St. Louis might just out-score all these kids (again).


The Class Clown

This guy is a quick favorite of any Bachelorette.  The Class Clown rescues her.  Whether it’s a pushy advance from the Quarterback or a boring tangent on soil erosion from the Freshman, he knows how to change a subject with a joke and no one’s the wiser.  Except our Bachelorette.  Have we mentioned PK Subban can pull a sled weighting about 8,000 pounds and his shorts are specially made of Kevlar? You know what they say: happy wife, happy life.


The Cowboy

Country is so hot right now.  Every reality show has a redneck to show up the regular boys – catching his own dinner, opening doors, lassoing things he could have easily walked over and picked up.  Bet on a wilderness date in which he exposes the big city metrosexualness of even the manliest man on this show.  Just don’t get offended when he calls you “ma’am.”    Instead consider that Carey Price can do a full split and correctly ride a horse, all while making sure his hat never falls off.

canada13Congrats to Carey on what looks like a ridiculously fun wedding.

The Bromance

In a show about long-term relationship potential, we must nod to the greatest among us.  These guys have no time for the Bachelorette – either they weren’t at camp or made a vampire pact for immortality and no longer show up in photos.  Still they have that magic that unites them for better (LA) or worse (Philly), through good times (the Cup) and bad (the trades).  The Bachelorette should by Richie & Carts… and let them plan her actual bachelorette party.

Mike Babcock

You can see this Bachelorette has her work cut out for her.  We’ve barely cracked the 47 contestants for spots in Sochi – and big names like Patrick Sharp and #TeamEbs remain.  The good news is 25 will make the Canada Men’s Hockey roster, and a lot will depend on the first three months of the season.  So let’s see it boys.  Get on their radar (and ours), and see if we’ve got a rose with your name on it.

rose ceremony

What’s worse, that shirt or that a guy is wearing it?

Nevermind, it’s a tie.

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Leave a Reply

  1. If you pick Jonathan Toews over Mike Richards – in this, or during the playoffs – you will get a phone call from my grandma detailing exactly why you are wrong. And it will be terrifying. And you will wonder if a hockey disagreement is enough to have you permanently disowned by the woman who made you the hockey-obsessed person you are today.

    PS Jordan Staal, you still make my heart hurt. I’ll never be over it.

  2. Dawn Reply

    That photo of PK looks an awful lot like a photo of a camel I once saw. And that’s all I can think now.

  3. Joni Reply

    I will always and forever shout, “I love you, Jordan Staal!” whenever I see his image or hear his name proclaimed. He’s just so shiny and beautiful…

    And I still bust out the Pens #11 sweater every once in a while. Ah, those were the days.

  4. Meghan Reply

    Ugh – don’t expect him to be nice about this either. Kick me right in the Penguins logo, whydon’tya.

    Right…in the feels…

  5. “Lassoing things he could have easily walked over and picked up.”

    Genius. True genius, Pants.

    • Best line of this entire post. Funny Pants.

  6. I’m sorry, but I kind of WANT that rose ceremony shirt. Get me a bowl of popcorn for when they announce Team Canada because sh*

    As for Jordan…that ain’t no bleach. Demi god right there. It isn’t going to stop hurting until the NHL store stops selling his Penguins gear. Maybe we can stop that now, maybe guys? It’s only been 15 months?