My Meltdown Moment

- Posted in Epic Fail, Fight Club

I’m trying to think of an analogy for how I feel.  I knew the lockout would cause the cancellation of some regular season games.  I couldn’t stop it, I could only hope to contain it.

NHL cancels first two weeks of regular season games – USA Today

But now that it’s actually happened I am overwhelmed with the force of my own fury.  I desperately want to:

But let’s be honest. I’m really this guy:

The regular season was supposed to open on my birthday.  What more could a girl ask for, right?  Now I’ll probably have to go to Old Country Buffet or some shit because I’m in my pajamas and can’t stop crying.

I am ditched at the altar, middle of the road, drunk Joan Cusack from In & Out distraught right now.  Just replace the “heterosexual” with “hockey game” and the dress with a jersey.  Everything else in this scene accurately expresses my emotions.  (If you’ve never seen this movie, now you have plenty of time.)

“I’m more miserable than ever and I’m a mess and I’m starving.”

Watch the clip where Howard says he can’t marry her and she loses it.  Also me.

Team Pants: Lockout Edition

- Posted in Fantasy Hockey, Hot Like Fire, Pants Loves

The phrase “Fantasy Hockey” is especially cruel these days, when hockey itself is the fantasy.  But we held the WUYS Fantasy Hockey League draft last night, and despite the lockout I still made my picks count.  If we never get our game back, maybe we could just play some beach volleyball.

With an eye toward both winning and grooming, I’m going to go out on a limb and say my team is the best looking.  I drafted…

Tazer’s boyish good looks and sheer force of will.

Nealmobile’s hair, wrist shot and inability to put on a button-down shirt.  Which is like drafting all the points Malkin scores too.

This.  Both parts.  Didn’t even have to ask.

Bradley Cooper Ryane Clowe, in case we need an extra E or a water rescue.

Danny Briere’s perfection and all those damned playoff goals.  I’m not sorry!

I got these two, since they were flirting on Twitter:

Including the way iCarly peers out from under his visor.

And MDZ because even though I hate NY sports teams, I’m an NY girl at heart.  Plus Nash will need assists on his 200 goals.

My team always needs one Staal and one Ginger.  Done and done.

I also got Doughty’s, um… well, Dawn’s love for him.  Personally I think DD is overrated but his beard was aces.

Flower.  Because sometimes you need a string of F-bombs or a ballerina spin.

Since we’re probably stuck with that volleyball game for a month or two, I also drafted the NHL 2012 Prom Court.  They didn’t sign your yearbook, but you still think about them in homeroom.

Jeff Skinner’s intern-ness and celebration hugging skills.

Gabe Landeskog’s, um…

What was that?

Oh yeah.  And his celebration falling skills.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins’ hair (lookout Nealer) and sheer potential.  (Same age as Gabe.  Honest.)

Finally I drafted a chaperone to be in charge of this show:

Teemu has been in the league longer than Gabe & RNH have been alive.  This could be his last year and I can’t let him go out like that.

Plus, someone has to buy these kids beer.

I’d say this team is a win whether or not they ever get to play a game.  Apologies to anyone I yelled at during the draft… no, I take that back.  You’re going down.

What Would You Say?

- Posted in Off-Season Projects, Things We Learned on Twitter

Well look who got a haircut:

It’s because I’m going to the Canadian Embassy for a work thing today, and he wanted to look all clean-cut and charming.  So if you don’t hear from me…

Back to Tazer, as this this kind of thing is big news these days.  Until MG52’s hair makes a public appearance, I don’t know where I’m going to find my #longhairdontcare Stamkos substitute.

JT talks about #theplayers hashtag on the NHLPA practice jerseys and not knowing anything about Twitter (video).  It’s probably best in case Jess (@jfrancesw) ever really works up the nerve to talk to him.  She can just practice her 140 character pick-up lines on us until it happens.

Jess was here.  We were not.  Captured by Emily (@captainderp19)

What if Tazer Tweeted?  What would he say?  There would definitely be enough room, he’d never resort to random abbreviations to squeeze in extra words.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Hey girl.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Hey girl.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Hey girl.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Kid, tell your sister I said hey.

 And the real reason Jonathan Toews doesn’t have Twitter:

Mikey Monday: Missed It

- Posted in Mikey Monday, Pants Loves

It’s Monday, and the first of October.  I expected to be writing about pre-season games and the fact that in 10 days, the regular season would start on my birthday.  Followed by the Caps home opener on October 12, Mike’s birthday.

Instead, we’re still on golf.

I’ll admit it: I saw this picture several times and never got past the gap in Jordan Eberle’s teeth.  Showstopper.

Then it came up with an AHL assignment article on Friday and hey there in the background!  Apparently’s Eb’s hospital benefit golf tourny in July was really a Battle of the Perfect Eyebrows.

The dress code must have stated “pretty-preppy, including collared shirts,” which Mike read as “whatever you wore to the bar last night.”

It works for him, though.  It always does.  (I already miss shorts.)

The other day, Caitlin suggested that Max Talbot was awfully Judd Nelson-like these days.  I had already been thinking that about Mike (also I just saw Pitch Perfect).  The clothes, hair, ink – check.  Mike so wants to be the bad boy with a heart of gold.  That means Eberle is Emilio Estevez and RNH is Molly Ringwald, but I don’t think they’d ever really get detention.

In my addled brain, I really want Mike & Jordan to be friends.  People who are friends with Ebs get so many bonus points in my book – further cementing Mike’s lead, of course.  Do you think they went to an animal shelter or had an ice cream date?  Does THall know about this?

Here’s the event link and Facebook photos.  Great cause, nice work everyone.

Foxy Friday: Evgeni Malkin

- Posted in Dammit Geno, Foxy Friday, Pants Loves

You knew it would happen.  No one can be this hilarious and adorable (and talented) without landing in the Foxy Friday history books.

Also, as a Pens fan, I know that life without Geno is a cold, sad place in which James Neal scores no goals.

I could (and might) look at pictures of Evengi Malkin all day long.  How does one guy have so many hilarious photos?

There is some room for debate here (more commonly know as The Michael Phelps Dilemma).  Is Geno hot or not?  Sometimes you get this:

And the next minute it’s this:

But mostly, I think of Geno as:

And definitely:

After all, Geno has a lot going for him. He led the NHL in points last season, which earned him the Art Ross Trophy.  He also won the Hart Trophy as NHL MVP and carried off the World’s Best Acceptance Speech title at the same time:

If you’re not squeeing, you are a robot.

Geno works hard:

Plays hard:

And brings his cute friends around all the time.  What more do you want?

Admit it, you’re jealous he’s not on your team.  Speaking of teams, in a world where Crosby fears to touch anyone (he’s a Confessor, a la The Sword of Truth series), Geno hugs EVERYTHING.

Heck, he’s even hugged Ovi.  All creatures great and small love Geno.

Don’t forget Geno’s sense of humor, because girls want a guy who can make them laugh (on Twitter).  Do parentheses mean something else in Russian?  He and Ovi both go crazy for them.  During the World Juniors:

Perhaps Geno’s greatest accomplishment is to be engaged in a bromance that actually makes me jealous.

No really, they are in love.  Geno was a huge part of Nealmobile’s 40 goal/81 point season, which must be why he thinks James is so lazy.

Watching them on the same line is so perfect, I’m like:

Moral of the story: When Evgeni Malkin says “I’m score,” he doesn’t just mean on the ice.  He means in life.  Awards shows:

Ugly sweater contests (and ugly t-shirts, ugly shorts – more photos):

Last man still dancing at a wedding:

And brightening the lives of children by identifying Russia on this globe.

He’s pretty perfect, right?

Totally.

So there you have it – Evgeni Malkin, Foxy Friday.  GIRLS LOVE.  You can argue with popularity… but you’d be wrong.

Geno is playing actual hockey right now in Russia, for Metallurg Magnitogorsk.  He had a goal and two assists yesterday.  SIGH.  Keep an eye on Twitter for live feeds of most of the games, and turn up the Russian to really make your boss wonder what is going on.

If you’re on wondering where that is, here’s part of the Google Maps directions from my house.  Very helpful.  (The earth is only 24,901 miles around, surely it would be shorter to go the other way?)

Max Talbot Saves the Day

- Posted in Off-Season Projects, Pants Loves

Max Talbot will be the hero of this lockout. Flyer or not, we cannot live with him in this terrible time.

Hold on, I can’t stop laughing.

Max is one commercial away from being the Old Spice guy at this point.  Sexy as all get out, no shame and knows that women love a guy with a sense of humor.  Clearly his friends are in love with him – listen to them in the background.

You are powerless to resist.

Also, archery is hot.  Katniss and Brave aside, Disney’s Robin Hood with the foxes is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I even took archery lessons, and Max is good.  Really good.  The jug of water is close range but to hit something small and moving?  Maybe they did twenty takes, or just got really, really lucky.

Be honest, you’re thinking about getting really lucky too.

Shot through the heart.

Max doesn’t crack a smile in this or the one-finger push-up workout video.  Deadpan reaction shots kill me!  I’m crying/laughing while my brain sings “Every Thing I (I Do It For You).”  Thanks to Talbo for 52 seconds of forgetting the lockout.  When is Giroux going to make a guest-appearance in one of these gems?  Maybe they make plates at Color Me Mine or try gator wrestling?

For further lockout distraction homework, I suggest the BBC Robin Hood series from a few years back.  You will not be disappointed (and you can borrow my DVDs).  Just like real life –  where I should hate the Flyers bad guys by definition – I am so Team Gisbourne/Allan that it confuses and frightens me.

And there is archery.  See?  Happens every day.

Thanks to everyone who sent this to us – Melissa (@M_Gagermeier), Macy (@WestSideZag), Deb (@DLF1021) and Amanda (@amandalitty).  What are you guys, on Max’s mailing list?

We Are Never, Ever, Ever…

- Posted in Fight Club, Hot Like Fire, We Love

Lockout, Day 11: Anger Management 

Since I have nothing better to do than troll the internet while self-medicating with Taylor Swift songs, I’ve found a few gems.  The kind that make you smile and cry at the same time.

Bleacher Report: 50 Storylines the NHL Lockout is Making Us Miss

It took me a few tries to get through the whole list, I was getting so upset.  Is/Was this the year that Ebs-Hall-RNH and the Oilers get that turnaround?  Is there something uglier than Nashville’s third jersey waiting for us?  How about Movember – WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!  Then this:

Can we get a close-up?

Grilled Cheese vs. PB&J

Aaaggghhhwellllp.  That is so hot.  I had almost forgotten that I ship this hatred as much as any bromance in the League.  Just NOT THE FACE, okay?  Don’t mess up my view from this side of the glass.

Not that I’ve forgotten how morning-after, walk-of-shame bad it looked for the Pens at the end of last season.  Or the fact that Giroux was so scary good he should have at least been nominated for the Hart Trophy.  That is some blasphemy coming from a Pens fan who is also completely fanflail over Stamkos.  But it’s true!  I hate him, I hate him, he’s amazing.  GAH!

Giroux making Sid’s android emotion chip short circuit always reminds me of:

 

How’s the wrist holding up?

The best part of this?  It’s not going anywhere.  No matter how long it takes to get back to hockey, these two will still hate each other.  It’ll even get better, since Sid will be back in full force and full-time (however long that is).  Bonus for me: concentrating on the Pens/Flyers rivalry eases my traitorous heartache about loving the Capitals at the same time.  Slut.

So in these dark days, hold on to the fact that life will be this:

vs. this again someday.

Dear Universe, Please Hurry. Love, Pants (#teamcrosby)

This Can Only End in Tears

- Posted in Off-Season Projects, We Love

I should be going to the Caps first pre-season game tonight.  I should be rocking the red and bouncing around the office like a shaken can of soda.

Instead I am despondent, miserably face-down on a couch wearing an ugly Christmas sweater while “All By Myself” plays on a loop.

When what I really want is to show Bettman what happens when he comes between me and my boys on Date Night.

To ease the pain, Allison (@ajshanus) made this video, featuring a hundred of my favorite hockey moments from last season and all-time.  From a Holtby playoff save to the Landeskog celebration fall, I may just watch this all day while eating an entire chocolate cake.  There’s Sid, cracking up during the national anthem, followed by him getting plowed over by Giroux (if you’re into that kind of thing).  Stamkos’ busted face, Eberle’s Goal of the Year.  Bench celebrations and goal celebrations and that exact moment when the Penguins won the Cup and I was hysterical, alone, in my empty office back in San Francisco.

And this is why I can’t stop waiting, why I’ll be right back in the stands and in front of my TV on the very first day there is something to see.

Amazing work, Allison.  I hope you all wore waterproof mascara today.

Mikey Monday: Ask Away

- Posted in Uncategorized

Lockout, Day 9: Philosophical Questions

Is there something that says we cannot have endless photos like this AND hockey?  Does the space/time balance demand compensation, provided in the form of players wearing increasingly translucent t-shirts?

Or do I really control the universe?

I just want to be clear about who’s behind this, so we can thank them.

Pockets. DAMN.

- Posted in Pants Loves

Lockout, Day 9 – Philosophical Questions

If jeans are really good in this life, do they get to come back as Sidney Crosby’s jeans in the next life?

(How about people named Pants, do they qualify?)

Foxy Friday: The Playlist

- Posted in Foxy Friday

Guest post time! Meet the lovely ladies of This Is Our Jam – Caps fans all and hilarious to boot.  Enjoy their musical stylings and wish Krista a HAPPY BIRTHDAY at @thisisourjamdc!

Hello, readers of What’s Up Ya Sieve!!  We are Krista, Kristen, and Stacey from This Is Our Jam, fellow lovers of the great sport of hockey and the beautiful players that grace the ice. We are so excited to bring you a playlist inspired by the foxiest of Foxy Friday gentlemen. This playlist would be great for a workout mix (just imagine any of the guys mentioned across the gym for extra motivation) or as a pick-me-up if you’re feeling a little (read: VERY) sad about the lockout. And for the record — we close out the playlist with our three favorites.  Happy listening!

Listen while you read: WUYS Foxy Fridays: The Playlist

“Lonely Boy” – The Black Keys

Wanted: A team for Jason Arnott, Grandpa Mike Knuble and other NHL journeymen still unsigned, so they don’t have to be lonely no more.

He’s got another 1000 games in him.

“It Takes Two” – Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock

What’s better than one attractive hockey player? A whole family of attractive hockey players. (Tom and Taylor Pyatt, we’re looking at you.)

We grew up next door to the wrong boys.

“I’m a Lion King” – djDoYOU

A fitting ditty for Jonathan Quick because of his team and probable intimately familiar with Disney movies because of scene-stealingly his adorable daughter.

“For The Longest Time” – Billy Joel

It’s a really good thing Zach Parise and Ryan Suter have one of the NHL’s best bromances, because they’ll be attached at the hip for the rest of hockey eternity.

“I have been a fool for lesser things…”

“Youth Knows No Pain” – Lykke Li

We bet that Intern Jeff Skinner is amped for an injury-free season, after missing 16 games last year with a concussion.  (Side note, Chuck and Pants — if he starts getting too sassy, send him over to TIOJ. We’re always looking for interns.)

Aw Jeff we’d never send you(r arms) away.

“Shots” – LMFAO

Patrick Kane, Resident NHL Partier. We assume he’s sorry for party rocking.

All LMFAO song apply to Kaner.

“My Body” – Young the Giant

While we are decidedly anti-Penguin (sorry Pants), we have such an admiration for the hair and beard of Kris Letang (much like we do for all of the boys in Young the Giant). Dustin Penner’s is pretty high up there too.

“Blackout (Mike Posner Remix)” – The Knocks

One of our favorite facts about Brian Boyle is that he refused to throw a punch in a fight during last season’s playoffs. We don’t understand why. He’s 6’7”.

“Dog Days are Over” – Florence + the Machine

Now that his concussion and wrist problems are (hopefully) behind him, imagine with Gingeroux could do this season.

Florence would be a Flyer – all those gingers sticking together.

“Voulez-Vous/The Killing Time” – ABBA vs. Echo and the Bunnymen

Some timeless Swedish standbys: IKEA, meatballs, ABBA, and Nicklas Lidstrom. And with Lidstrom’s retirement, he passes the Swedish guard (and love of ABBA) on to Baby-Cap Filip Forsberg.

We’re old enough that he makes us think of ABBA’s “Does Your Mother Know?”

“Tonight I’m ‘Loving’ You” – Enrique Iglesias

Paul Bissonnette is one of our favorite NHLers to follow on Twitter. His tweets range from showcasing his actually really good taste in music to his rather crass life musings, which cement his status as one of the more “classy” gentlemen in the NHL. (DISCLAIMER: we chose to include the radio-appropriate version of this Enrique song because the original offends our delicate sensibilities. That being said, we think that it’s rather fitting for BizNasty.)

If he had a type then maybe it would be you.

“One More Night” – Maroon 5

Three of our favorite faces with beautiful cheekbones: Adam Henrique, Henrik Lundqvist, and Adam Levine.

Okay, maybe two nights.

“Black & Blue” – Miike Snow

Our favorite Swede had a rough year with concussions and even a suspension, but nothing keeps him from coming back. Shall we get into it again, Nicky Backstrom?

Nicky prefers his Mikes with one I in their names.

“Champion” – Kanye West

With looks and skillz this good, it’s no wonder Patrick Sharp is such a champ in Chicago.

He doesn’t even break a sweat.

“Fly Me to the Moon” – Frank Sinatra

Ol’ Blue Eyes has nothing on Brooks Laich’s piercing icy baby blues.

PS: What is this magazine and what is happening with iCarly’s hair? [link]

BONUS: “Moneygrabber” – Fitz and the Tantrums

HEY OWNERS — quit being moneygrabbers and let us have our hockey season. Please?

Sweden is Trying to Kill Us

- Posted in Glamour Shots, Hot Like Fire, Pants Loves, Things We Learned on Twitter

If I had a TARDIS, where would I go right now?

If our office has security cameras, it would be worth it to get the footage of my reaction to this picture.  It resembled being electrocuted.

Somewhere, Mike Green is depressed.  He hates it when Nicky goes out with better looking guys.

Deb (@DLF1021), I am buying so many beers at our Flyers game that you’ll be climbing over the glass.  Thank you for making my day, and stopping all work.

The NHL Lockout: Number Crunching and Soul Crushing

- Posted in Breakin' It Down, Chocolate Iced, Hall of Shame, Lockout, Newsies

There are two men who work in the WUYS offices…

Or rather one man and one very adorable intern.

Chocolate Iced is the sole voice of reason in this estrogen-filled den of hockey immorality.

While he might not post often, when he does, he brings a certain wisdom and insight that we appreciate and value.  Not to mention the math skillz we lack.

Hi there.  Chocolate Iced here to give you the skinny on unfortunate lack of NHL hockey at the moment.  Everything you wanted to know about the nuts and bolts of the current NHL labor dispute can be found here.

In 2005, the NHL and the NHLPA (the players’ union) negotiated a collective bargaining agreement (“CBA”) that put in place a so-called “hard salary cap” for the first time.

You’ll recall that this CBA was reached only after the entire 2004-2005 season was lost to a lockout.  At the time, the salary cap was the main issue, with the owners essentially claiming that the players made too much money and the skyrocketing player salaries needed to be reigned in.  In the beginning, the salary cap was set at $39 million per year, per team.  That salary cap has crept up, until this past season it was set at $64.3 million while the salary cap floor, or the minimum a team had to spend, was $48.3 million.

So, you might be thinking that the owners effectively triumphed after the ’04-’05 lockout with the cap.

And they did.

Except they didn’t, according to themselves.

Under the terms of the same CBA that just expired on September 15th, the players were entitled to 57% of last season’s hockey related revenue generated by the league.  Now, the league claims that this figure, 57%, needs to be reduced because many NHL teams are effectively bleeding money and player contracts are out of control.

I know what you are thinking.

You’re thinking, “Aren’t the owners the ones who give these huge contracts to players?”  And you’re also thinking, “Wait, doesn’t the league have record revenue right now of over $3.3 billion (US).”

The answers are yes and yes.

The owners essentially want to pay the players less, far less, than the $1.87 billion the players were paid in the previous season and save themselves from giving out big contracts to players.  The league’s initial offer would have the players earning 43% of hockey related revenue.  The last offer from the league had the players getting 49% in the first season of the CBA and then backing down to 47% as the CBA expired over 5 years.

This would effectively have the players giving back millions of dollars to start.  There are also a few tweaks to free agency that the owners want (10 years of service before a player is eligible for free agency, elimination of arbitration, etc.), however the money pie and how big of a slice the players get is still the main issue.

The players for their part, are not interested in giving back money to the owners, unless that money will be used by the league for revenue sharing to assist weaker small-market teams.  You know, those teams that the league claims are bleeding money.  The union effectively wants to ensure that the players get no less than the $1.8 billion they got last year.

The players’ last offer was a little complicated, but essentially they want to take a 2% increase over the $1.8 billion figure in the first year, a 4% increase from that in year 2, and a 6% increase over that in year 3.  After that, it gets a little nutty so I won’t get into that.  What’s key though, is that the players have positioned their numbers based on 7.1% revenue growth, which is what the league had after the last work stoppage.

Over the course of 5 years, the two sides have a difference of around $1 billion.  The 7.1 % revenue growth is important because that’s a big “if.”  There are no guarantees that the league revenue will grow at that rate going forward.

 

At the end of the day the players want to ensure they keep at least the $1.8 billion they received last year, and the owners want to reduce that figure upfront.  Unfortunately there seems to be no end in sight to this dispute.  It seems that both sides have some room to give.

I hope they figure out how to split up their $3.3 billion sometime soon.

Contact CI at chocolateiced@outlook.com.

 

Max Talbot is NSFW

- Posted in Off-Season Projects

I love you guys so much.  I’m home alone, laughing like Tom Hanks in The Money Pit because you send me the best stuff.  Specifically Amanda (@amandalitty) and Deb (@DLF1021)  who tonight sent this:

Leave it to Max to make the dirtiest-sounding workout video of all time – while wearing head-to-toe sweats.

#1: This workout.  Making other sweatpants jealous worldwide.

#2: This disguise.  I was thinking, “That’s not Max.” Why the hood?  When I can see a picture of your esophagus on Google because that’s how you kiss drunk chicks in bars?  When the camera cuts behind the pillar, I figured Max and the stunt double switched places for the big reveal.

#3: This trainer.  “Push it!”  “Keep it tight!” “Niiiiiiiiiiiice” with the throaty growl.  If you let the kissing (see #2) happen, this is what you end up hearing from Max all night.

#4: This cameraman!  “Remember the thing from last week? You don’t want to talk about it.  Just one more time.  Please, please.”  If #2 leads to #3, then #3 leads to this and suddenly your amateur late-night debut is being live streamed to the Philadelphia Flyers player phone tree.

I swear.  Close your eyes and listen.  Maybe not at work though, because your boss will never believe this is the sound of fully-clothed activity.

As ever, Max leaves us all blushing.

Lockout Blues

- Posted in Epic Fail, Hall of Shame

On Saturday night, after the lockout became official, I had a weird, scary dream that I was trying to get to a watch party to see Stamkos score his 60th goal.  No matter what happened, I couldn’t make it.  The ground was mud. I ran into my mom.  Someone gave me a cheeseburger (really).  I fell into a hole and landed on a movie screen showing a 70mm print of The Master.  And I never did make it to see Stammer score that goal.

This lockout is ruining my life.

Actual photo.

If I had any strength left, I’d throw something.  But this video leaves me broken.

On my right shoulder sits a sad little panda.  That panda, which strongly resembles Mike Green, is pouting because both the NHL owners and players make a lot of money.  If I stay in my current job for 30 years, I will make less in that time than an NHL rookie at the minimum salary who plays just two seasons (then retires).  The panda hears millionaires arguing with billionaires about taking away his bamboo snack pile and feels helpless.

On my left shoulder is an angry little bear.  He also looks quite a bit like MG52.  He sees a League so stubbornly desperate to expand its fan base that it risks losing the fans it already has.  The bear appreciates the optimism of expansion teams and the tenacious insistence that a hockey team can be popular anywhere.  The bear loves hockey!  But he is smart enough to know that hockey is a business.  To prosper, it needs to profit.

Now read this letter from the NHL, and tell me you don’t want to punch someone in the face.

Bettman’s egomanical plan for NHL middle-market domination has hurt the League.  There are successes, like Nashville – 20th in attendance last year, they out-sold Colorado, NJ and Dallas (link).  Winnipeg was a beautiful move because they don’t even care if their team wins!  They go for the love of hockey and they know what it’s like to go without.  Well done, NHL.

I adore these people.

The failures, though, are where Bettman is setting his own house on fire.  It’s easy to scapegoat Phoenix – even if it’s true.  First in their division, last in League attendance.  How many more ways are there to count?  I hate to say that, because their great fans will feel the loss of their relatively new team as acutely as any of us would feel the loss of a long-standing franchise.  Just because the Coyotes don’t profit doesn’t mean they are not loved.  But the NHL is dragging around dead weight, funneling money and talent into an enterprise that has had it’s chance to flourish.

If you open a restaurant and no one eats there, it closes.  The hardest part of that truth?  Few people even notice.

The Coyotes are certainly not the League’s only problem, they just leave the biggest streak of flaming peril across the sky as they plummet toward Earth.  Columbus barely out-sold them and now they’ve lost their biggest draw.  When Nassau Coliseum collapses around the Islanders, it can aim for the empty seats.  The Devils made the Cup Final, let’s hope they can sell more tickets next season.  I mean that sincerely – the Devils should never, ever be on moving block.

Everyone listen to Sarah!

Explaining the lockout to non-hockey fans is tough – they’re all pandas who see money on all sides.  They’re not wrong.  But I put it this way:  Watch Newsies.

The NHL makes money off its players.  The NHL gets a portion of that money to run its business, re-invest in its future and, of course, profit its ownership.  That’s business.  The NHL does not have the right to waste that money and then ask for more from the players.

Throw away your own money.  Better yet, stop throwing away money at all.

The only people who want hockey more than the fans are the players.  The only people who want money more than the players are the owners.

I hate math, but even I can tell the players interests are closer to my own, though either way I’m getting screwed.

That is his sorry face.

I don’t just want hockey back, I want it to last forever.  I’m with the players not only because they are the ones sweating and bleeding for hockey.  Their plan is better.  They have the clout to force the NHL to change this awful business model.  Maybe the fans could do it, but will we?  Will we boycott hockey when it comes back?  Flex our monetary muscles and buy no tickets, merch or viewing packages?

Maybe you can.  I can’t.  It’s weak and feels shitty, because I know everyone is taking advantage of me.  But if the game is on, I’m in.  Always will be.

(PS: Guys, I’m so depressed. I couldn’t even try to be funny.  Please read this Puck Daddy post, including the comments.  These people have rebounded faster than I after being effectively dumped on a Post-It Note.  Linsday’s favorite reply: “I’m surprised this video wasn’t Landeskog, Reimer, Crosby, Toews and Backes singing “As Long as You Love Me.”  That would work on us, if it included a folding chair dance routine.)

Sigh. That does help a little.

I can’t even laugh.

- Posted in Epic Fail, Hall of Shame

If I were not so pissed about the looming lockout, I would find this caption hysterical.

Apparently Intern Jeff Skinner is much smarter than the intern who captioned this photo of Eric Staal.  Either that, or Jeff’s moonlighting at the Associated Press.

I know it’s just a typo, but is it an omen?  Does it demonstrate why the NHL can’t afford a lockout, or simply highlight that a lot of people (who don’t read this blog) won’t care if they have one?

Work Hard, Play Hard

- Posted in Hot Like Fire, Off-Season Projects, Pants Loves

Yesterday was pretty great.  What more could you want out of a vacation day spent shoveling mulch and mixing concrete?

Me, some guy, Josie, some other guys and Rhea

You should all come to the Kaboom Caps playground build next year, but only if you’re prepared to work your butts off.  We had a great time building equipment, even if it took a few tries, and doing manual labor on a gorgeous day.  Team Tiana – obviously we were assigned to a Princess team – included me, Jen (who refers to Nicky B as “Hanson” and then takes off singing) and  the awesome Josie (@jgoggs23) and Rhea (@raedanda).

Sure beats a day at the office.

Mike, Nick and Brooks arrived around 1 PM, did a bunch of interviews and then got right to work.  I don’t know why that impresses me so much because they look capable of lifting my car, but they were shoveling, carrying, raking and sweating with the rest of us.  Nicky accidentally shoveled mulch all over Josie – not exactly what she meant by “getting dirty,” but she’ll take it.

Josie and Nick make a great team.

One of the ladies who lived in the development said, “Hey, hockey player, let me get your autograph!” and he said, “Just the hockey player? That’s her then,” and pointed at me.  It was all chipmunk cheeks and talking about yard work – seriously, he’s Piglet.  He is also STRAPPING: that is the only word for him and must be in all caps at all times.  There should be a few !!!!!! too.

 (In)action shot

Sometime later, Mike grabbed a rake and started helping me.  It wasn’t even Monday!  I said, “Hi Mike,” like I’m a normal human and not the King from The King’s Speech trying to get all those words out at the end with the whole world listening.  Really impressive stuff.

Me and Mike, doing work.

He asked how I was and I replied, “OhmyGodIloveyourhair!” (or something) and we talked about the playground.  I managed not to put the rake through my leg.

Like I said: impressive.

I was almost a chalk outline on this patch of mulch.

He was soft-spoken, really nice and was just so… Mike Green.  Hormone tsunami warning.  Later we carried easels and on the way back,  I asked him for a picture.

If you’re keeping score at home, that’s two coherent conversations.

All roads lead to Mike.

He even smiled!  I’m pretty sure gravity multiplied and a bird dropped straight out of the sky.  He’s tall and healthy and gorgeous and scruffy.  His hair’s all long under that hat, I know it.  Please season, start on time….

Okay, now you just want more pictures:

Passing the weight limit test

Team Bromance

Brooks speaks perfectly about being perfect.

Skinny jeans, construction edition

The playground turned out beautifully, the day was really well-organized and there were lots of snacks.  The kids all got off the school bus to a totally revamped park and they were tiny balls of running and shouting happiness!

 At the end of the day, Rhea won a jersey signed by the whole team:

And Nicky said, “Give me a hug.”  How lucky can one girl be?!

It was great to meet Stacey, Alli (@alliknode) and her son Connor, who knows the way to my heart is through an awesome fauxhawk.  He was the hit of the party!  Check him out in the Caps Playground Build video, along with Rhea and Slapshot dancing.  Also District Sports Page has a ton of photos, including our group shot above and great one of Connor, Mike and Brooks.  Capitals Outsider also features Connor, of course.

Thanks again to Robin (@rockinredbirdie) for sending this in time for us to sign up!  I owe you some beers, girl.

If We Had a Billion Dollars…

- Posted in Hot Like Fire, Off-Season Projects

Do you think Gabe Landeskog bought stock in Facebook, right before they acquired Instagram?  That would explain all the photos this summer – just driving up his portfolio value.  Imagine if you could make money off this!

Look at his thighs.

No really, look at them.

(Thanks to @RealScarlett01 and @Shannysland for reminding us that  squats are now a universal, inalienable right to which we are entitled and grateful.)

Our Kind of Training Camp

- Posted in Uncategorized

Thanks to everyone who Tweeted me luck for Saturday’s Tough Mudder Mid-Atlantic endurance mud race!  It was a filthy, fantastic time, complete with downpour and tornado warning.

Me and @MattyDTX at the starting line.

They just announced another Maryland race for April 20-21, 2013.  You’re all invited to join me!  Depending on which NHL teams make the playoffs, I promise to do the 10+ miles and 20+ obstacles in some kind of hockey gear.  Team Mikey Mondays?  Team Nealmobile?  More like Team Landeskoging, since there is plenty of falling down.

More photos here.

Seriously, think about it!  Check out www.toughmudder.com.  Mostly you need the ability to comfortably run 5 miles and some tall guy teammates to give you a boost over 12-foot walls.  The rest is just grit and fun.  Intern Jeff Skinner takes photos and carries Capri Sun emergency rations.  You know you want to!

Pro Summit Camp

- Posted in Uncategorized

In case you were getting nervous about the CBA deadline looming on Saturday, somewhere in Colorado… Crosbot, Gabe the Babe, Talbot, Duchene, Tavares and RNH were traning at Pro Summit Camp.

That short of breath feeling has nothing to do with altitude, y’all.

It’s just like summer camp, with Max as head counselor.  There are nature hikes:

Fishing  (Is there anything funnier than Matt Duchene?  Even when he’s not wearing waders?):

And bowling:

Apparently Gabe is not perfect in every way… lies. Show us proof.

When they’re not enjoying the great outdoors, rest assured the boys are working hard to be ready when the season starts on time (right?).

First their date at the Stanley Cup Finals in LA, now this – the Crosby and Duchene bromance is so promising! Sid can’t be all that boring if MD loves him.

What are they watching off-camera?  Landeskog do pushups?  Or more of this:

If they’re trying to rip this stick out of the guys’ hands, I volunteer to fail.  And then fall on top of whoever wins.