Foxy Friday: Steven Stamkos

It is a little known major oversight here at WUYS that Steven Stamkos has never been a Foxy Friday. One could argue that’s he’s been sufficiently fox-ied every other day of the week, since we’ve tagged over 100 posts with his name. But with great power comes great responsibility…

To keep looking like this:

Some of our 100+ Stamkos posts have been pretty legendary, including those times he:

… was so cute at 20 that I said, “Call me when you don’t need a fake ID.’

.. turned 21. Then 22, and then 23. (He’s 25 now.)

… shoveled snow in shorts.

… wore, and I mean woreblue pants to play golf. The white pants were good too.

… and James Neal cried laughing at Intern Jeff Skinner‘s mortal humiliation.

… scored 50 goals. Then made it 60 goals.

… did this: steven

… pretended to forget his skates while Jordan Eberle pretended to be mean in a Coke Zero commerical.

… and Neal, Tavares and Jeff Carter had an imaginary argument about the scoring race.

Tweeted a photo of his busted face.

… jumped freakishly high. Which is probably all the time.

… cut/didn’t cut his hair.

poured water of himself in the name of charity.

… went to the wire on a contract deal. No, the other time.

Curls for the girls

Curls for the girls

 

It’s been 4 years, 7 months and 22 days since Steven’s first mention on WUYS. That means he’s gone 1697 days without being Foxy Friday! Criminal! Finally, we correct this error of 242.5 weeks. (And on a day that Steven and the Bolts play Pittsburgh. I waited 5 years to probably shoot myself in the foot and cost my team their whole season. Yay,)

In honor of Steven finally being named, we’re bringing you ALL NEW (to this blog, mostly, we think) Steven Stamkos content! Skinny legs and all.

When Steven is on the ice, he is:

When he’s not on the ice, you can find him being cute with a puppy:

I don’t need any treats, I’m good here.

 

And with many puppies:

stam14

My actual dream come true.

 

And with his own puppy:

stam7

Some people are obsessed with their dogs, okay? Gosh.

 

Also with children:

stam2

High school is going to be rough with these standards.

 

Cabbie:

 

or product placement:

stam4

I would pay $1000 for this shirt.

 

You’ll find him hanging with his related Tumblr searches:

related

I’ve got friends in Southern Ontario places…

 

stam10

Notice that “Hand” is the only thing capitalized.

 

And most importantly, doing activities:

stam3

I play Frisbee every day with my dog, I could coach this. Will work for everyone’s shirts.

 

I could go on all day (or for the past five years). Stammer’s contract is up at the end of this season, and the drama is already at peak hysteria. The Lightning have said it’s their “number one priority” – well, duh. Steven has said little other than he loves playing in Tampa. We’ve heard guys say that and take reasonable contracts to stay put, or shout is as they’re rolling toward a new team in an armored truck full of cash. My bet is on Stamkos staying with the Lightning.

If you’re not already following him on twitter (@RealStamkos91), you’re doing it wrong. The guy knows what we want! It’s almost as good as the Steven Stamkos Tumblr feed.

Happy finally Foxy Friday, Steven. Try not to score too many again the Penguins tonight, yeah? Kthanksbye.

Goals and Goals

I pity the fool who answers the NHL TV customer service line when I call today. Well, the person won’t be a fool, nor can they actually do anything about the disaster of a changeover from Game Center Live. But still. I don’t pay $150 a year to miss Sidney Crosby hat tricks!

Last night, Sid scored three very necessary goals to lead the Penguins to a 6-5 victory over Ottawa.

I won’t take credit for this particular scoring surge, but ask Lindsay if it might be the result of a conversation we had yesterday. I once ended the lockout, you know.

Hopefully this is a sign for the Pens, who currently hold the last EC wild card slot. The East is all jammed up: seven teams within two points, and all for third in the division.

Look at that goal differential . Holy Caps.

Look at that goal differential . Holy Caps.

 

On Monday, Sid told press, “Our playoffs basically start now.” And he kinda smiled when he said it. [Video]

Somebody got a new hat.

Somebody got a new hat.

 

While you were enjoying the Penguins goals and wondering WTAF they were doing between goals, I was practicing yoga with this Sid workout clip.

(Bless @Kiki5851 for finding this.)

Except I only managed Shavasana, where you lay on the floor looking dead while trying to compose yourself. I have elite skills.

Bonus feature.

Bonus feature.

 

Then, the Twitters told me that freshly-returned-from-injury Connor McDavid did this:

Well, shit. That is an amazing goal. Tell me again what you were doing in 1997, when he was born? My Home Ec class egg baby is older than Connor McDavid. (Haha, #TeamEggBaby it is!)

Alas, I saw no actual hockey AGAIN. I will be sending this post to the suggestion box at NHL TV – which probably does work, because obviously.

The Kids Would Be Proud

Once upon a time there was an All-Star Weekend that reminded me how much I love hockey.  Well, that happens every year. But this weekend, like so much of this season, I didn’t actually get to watch anything. GAH! What follows is the best I was able to mash up from Twitter and my imagination… except I couldn’t make this up:

It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

I demand to see your qualifications.

 

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

signJT2

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

 

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don't call him "Stammer" for nothing.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

 

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can't even handle me right now.

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night...

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

"Where my boyfriend?" - Maz Kanata

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Anyone else's biological clock ticking like a bomb?

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

 

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don't understand that either.

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, who is so mad/shocked I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling, "but...."

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There's something about Josi.

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

"What should we do tonight, Tyler?" "Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world."

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What's wrong with being confident?

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Live shot of my office.

 

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

Some-Star Weekend

Hello?

What is this gif? I've been watching it for 20 mins and I'm crying.

What is this gif? I’ve been watching it for 20 mins and I’m crying.

 

HI GUYS! Remember me? I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet and go over half a season of hockey that I’ve mostly missed. How does this happen? My life is like space in Interstellar, where time barely passes, while hockey and this blog remain on Earth, getting 80 years older every day without me.

So, All-Star Game?

Is anyone watching this? I kinda sorta almost totally forgot about it until someone mentioned John  Tavares’ pants.

@JennMJones531 to the rescue.

@JennMJones531 to the rescue.

 

That will get my attention, even from space.

Mixing space movie metaphors!! (Spends five hours looking at Matt Damon gifs.)

Mixing space movie metaphors!! (Spends five hours looking at Matt Damon gifs.)

 

So, Crosby didn’t get invited. That’s old news. I wrote a mental blog post called “10 Things Sid Can Do Instead of the ASG”, which was quite funny.  You should read it sometime when you develop mind-reading powers.  Or tomorrow, if I get around to posting it.

The newer news is Ovi and Toews are hurt/sick and also suspended. The NHL sure knows how to cry when the whole class doesn’t come to their party.

nene

Truth hurts, ASG.

 

Alas, with no drunken draft, most of the fun is gone from the weekend anyway. The NHL has realized this too late and made some replacement efforts to attract our attention:

1) Made John Tavares captain. He probably suggested this Footloose-inspired sobriety nonsense, for fear a real charitable organization might think Ovi was actually poor and needed a new car. The paperwork on that tax headache!  But it does mean more camera time for Captain T and the Pleated Pants.

Does this data come in a pie chart?

Does this data come in a pie chart?

 

2) Dierks Bentley. HOLLER. I love country music, and Dierks is a big Preds fan, and everybody likes tight jeans. He’ll be one of the celeb coaches at the game.

We would get drunk on this plane.

We would get drunk on this plane.

 

3) All the Foxy Fridays. Damn if they didn’t replace Toews with James Neal. The NHL knew I wasn’t paying attention and just waved a red ginger flag in my face.

endsmile

endsmile

 

Add that to Pekka Rinne, Shea Weber and all-time FF fave, Roman Josi, and the home team is, um, well represented.  Other Foxy Fridays on the roster: Jamie Benn, Matt Duchene, Patrick Kane, Tyler Seguin, Jonathan Quick, Patrice Bergeron, Ryan O’Reilly, Ben Bishop, Claude Giroux, holy crap are we there yet?, Evgeni Malkin, the aforementioned John Tavares, CPA, His Disney Highness Kris Letang, Ryan McDonaugh and Braden Holtby.

Answer: Making Pants hate herself.

Answer: Making Pants hate herself.

 

Note: Stamkos, #TeamHall and Nicky Backstrom have never been Foxy Fridays. This blog is a sham. Shut it down.

What kind of irresponsible journalism is this?!

What kind of irresponsible journalism is this?!

 

4) 3-on-3 Format. I won’t pretend to have an opinion on this, as I’ve watched approximately one OT period all season, but it sounds exciting. Top players + more open ice = more goals, right? But hasn’t the All-Star Game always ended in some Hobbit score of twelveses to eleventy anyway? Maybe the “last place in the draft” prize can be repurposed to the only player who doesn’t score a hat trick on Sunday.

Ovi wasn't picked last, but someone did give him a car to donate to charity.

Ovi wasn’t last, but someone did give him a car to donate to charity.

 

5) The John Scott story. Voted into the ASG by fans, then traded and assigned to the AHL, the saga of whether or not John Scott would appear in the ASG has been ongoing news. Yesterday, Scott published this first person account in The Player’s Tribune. In it, he explains how someone from the NHL encouraged him, even now, not to attend this weekend’s events.

SCREW YOU, NHL. Wrong, bad, stupid, and also, WHY? John Scott may be the only player who actually cares about this game, and you think he should stay home? Do you think the fans who voted him in should not watch? Oh no, you want them. You NEED them.

She'll be proud.

She’ll be proud.

 

Read the Player’s Tribune story. It will make you want to buy a John Scott jersey and stand up in your living room when he takes the ice on Sunday. I hope every player shows up wearing his name. You may not like Scott’s brand of hockey, but it is part of hockey. Scott may not be an elite player, but he is a player. Was a player? Will be an NHL player again? Who knows. But if you love the game, you have to love it’s scars.

So, see you guys tomorrow night on the Twitters to techno-judge the real skills at Skills Competition: hair, beard, sass? Our trifecta of All-Star Weekend talents.

 

Tune in Tonight!

Don’t forget: Episode 3 of EPIX’s Road to the NHL Winter Classic airs tonight at 10 PM. You can watch it live for free at EPIX.com, or log in later and catch up.

Plans are already made for pajamas (er, Chewbacca onesie), takeout and couch recuperation on Friday to watch the big game! Chuck got a ticket – woohoo! – so look for her on TV.

Sharp eye of the Fashion Police

Sharp eye of the Fashion Police

 

Maybe she should borrow my onesie.

Who's scruffy looking?

Who’s scruffy looking?

 

I look way more excited than this guy in my outfit, but faced the same problem: what kind of shoes go with a Chewbacca suit?

Obviously.

Obviously.

 

All the Small Things

Happy holidays, everyone! I hope you’re off work, eating everything in sight and washing it down with magnums of wine. I know I am (except the off work part).

Now that Christmas has past and I’m not going to spoil the surprise for any WUYS readers lucky enough to be friends with Jamie McCarthy (@kerfuffleblog), I can finally show you guys these great hockey toys she makes!

Conversation topics: WWII, fossils, pants problems

Conversation topics: WWII, fossils, pants problems

 

Shut up, they’re tiny hockey boyfriends! Aren’t they awesome?

Tyler and Jamie have each other's on their dashboards, like hula girls.

A rubber duckie. I CANNOT! (Thank you forever, ESPN Body Issue.)

 

Jamie starts with Funko vinyl toys (usually these ones) and adds to them with clay or epoxy putty, then repaints them by hand. Lastly, she makes the skates and sticks. They are all under 4 inches tall.

She has classics like Bobby Orr…

bobbyorr

Now, how to make it fly?

 

And someday, maybe even a whole team!

Tavares manages to look serious even with no mouth.

Tavares manages to look serious even with no mouth.

 

You can see more of Jamie’s process and finished pieces at  whatakerfuffle.tumblr.com. Who else would cut the fangs off True Blood vampire Funkos to make Zetterberg and Dutsyuk?! That is art.

Tiny Goalie Pads!

Tiny Goalie Pads!

 

There are SO MANY and they’re not all hockey! Or boys! They’re all fantastic, I can tell you that. Add @whatakerfuffle to your Instagram feed to follow her work in progress.

Thank you, Jamie, for letting us share!

Road to the Winter Classic: Episode 1

Welcome to guest blogger, Elodie (@hockeyfied), who will be recapping EPIX’s Road to the NHL Winter Classic for us! We are very happy to have her. She’ll help you relive the show’s highlights and get ready for every Wednesday night. Reminder: If you missed Episode One (because you were watching Episode VII of something else!), you can see it on EPIX.com. Just create an account and log yo’self in – it’s free.

And now, we turn to Elodie…

epix wide

With weeks to go until New Year’s Day and its symbolic game, this year’s Road to the NHL Winter Classic is back on EPIX, this time trying to give us a glimpse of the lives of the Montreal Canadiens and the Boston Bruins.

If you don’t know, this is a rivalry for the ages. One of – if not the – most bitter in the NHL. To this day, these teams have faced each other more than any other two teams in the league, and they simply really, really dislike each other.

The kids who spawned a thousand memes.

The kids who spawned a thousand memes.

 

Let me be honest – I’m a Bruins fan, inclined to turn a side-eye to every bit of the show that is about the Habs. Yet even I have to admit that if there’s one thing this first episode of Road the the NHL Winter Classic did well, it was keeping the focus on a player that it is almost impossible to hate: PK Subban.

Related: PK as Don Cherry makes Strombo pee his pants.

Related: PK as Don Cherry makes Strombo pee his pants. [Video]

 

There’s a beautiful moment, in the opening for the Habs’ section of the show, where PK putting on the most outrageous red fur coat. My friends and I couldn’t help but wonder, does he dress like that all the time, or is it just for the cameras? We could completely believe he wears this thing out every day.

Note quite this suit from the NHL Awards, but close.

Echoes of his NHL Awards suit

 

Turns out, the coat is for the cameras, but his teammates fall for the joke and their reactions are glorious.

There’s also this pretty interesting bit where PK lets us in into one of his “hobbies”: suit designing. He says it himself, he likes to look good. And he does. Can’t wait to see what he pulls out for the Winter Classic.

Okay, enough Habs. None of this compares to the delightful moments with the Bruins we get to see! From Zdeno Chara walking around Boston, going to his favorite barber (the same one that shaved his playoff beard after winning the Cup, the one Chara brought the Cup to) and stopping by a youth hockey team from Halifax for pictures and autographs, to Brad Marchand soulfully gazing out of his bedroom window before putting on a (very sharp) suit, it’s all pretty intimate.

[Editors note: You know I didn’t write that about Marchand! *P]

But no moment is more intimate that the few minutes we get with Patrice Bergeron. Bergy, flawless, perfect Patrice, is famously known his discretion.  Never would I have expected to see 8-week old baby Zack featured on the show. And yet, this happened…

:: synchronized swoon ::

:: synchronized swoon ::

 

So ovaries everywhere imploded in hushed whimpers. The show also featured Stephanie Bergeron gushing about how good a father Patrice is, and I had to rewind and rewatch a couple of times, making pained noises throughout the whole thing.

The preview for the upcoming episodes also seem to show that we’ll be introduced to Tuukka Rask’s tiny blonde Finnish baby, which is something that nobody expected either, because these guys, they don’t share.

Cindy Lou Tuuk? Cindy Tuu Who? I can't make this joke work.

Cindy Lou Tuuk? Cindy Tuu Who? I can’t make this joke work.

 

Other awww-inducing moments of note: Patches and his tiny child playing about in the bowels of the Bell Center:

Awwww.

Yankees hat. This kid is good.

 

Mainly, my brain short-circuited post-Bergy and I retained very little of everything else. To be fair, as first episodes go, this one was heavy on exposition. Hopefully they’ll find the hooks they had least year, like Latta and Wilson’s bromance, or a bevvy of family holiday skates to pack it all up with cuteness and babies everywhere. I am eagerly awaiting more baby Bergy, and Rask, and the exceptionally cute baby Krejci:

From the lovely Mrs. Krejci - @naomikrejci

From the lovely Mrs. Krejci – @naomikrejci

 

This show has always been at its best when there’s more than a rivalry narrative to hang onto, so I’ll look forward to next week’s show. The Bruins played some good games (sayonara, Penguins!) while Episode 2 was filming. I, for one, will be satisfied with babies everywhere, but I may be easy to please.

[Thanks, Elodie! See you next week. *P]

‘Tis the Season

I can live with ugly sweaters if the Christmas season continues to yield embarrassing team holiday videos. We’ve already seen the Habs belting out Elsa’s theme. Here’s a look at the rest…

The Penguins have already found the perfect off-ice role for Pascal Dupuis: Team Dad. It would explain a lot about how attractive this team is. I mean, Potash’s Reba McEntire wig didn’t make this:

Is anything more 90's than spray deodorant?

Is anything more 90’s than spray deodorant?

 

That’s a lot of fun for a team that can’t win a freaking game.

Actual photo of the NHL team standings

Actual photo of the NHL team standings

 

The Sharks, reigning kings of the Holiday Video, know how good they are. This year they’ve made it an event. Five behind-the-scenes videos a la VH1’s Behind the Music – three here, and two more yet to come (today and 12/24).

They are really committed to this – already nearly 8 minutes of content and not a smile cracked on camera. Well, except for mine when I saw Chuck’s #1 Dream Combination come true for a single, still second:

Okay, you're right. More 90's than spray deodorant: Joe Thornton and *N Sync

Objection. More 90’s than spray deodorant: Joe Thornton and *N Sync.

 

There is also a contest to win an appearance in their 2016 video. I love that they’re thinking about next year when we haven’t even see this year’s yet.

That #2 team in the NHL, the Capitals, chose to spoof A Christmas Story, and it’s glorious. [Video] They basically put glasses on everyone who could be improved by them.

Fa-ra-ra-ra-raaaaaah...

Fa-ra-ra-ra-raaaaaah…

 

And those who couldn’t, well…

Does the Easter Bunny visit Russia?

Does the Easter Bunny visit Russia?

 

The Flames went right for the low-hanging fruit: the ugly NHL Christmas sweater. They helpfully feature all five (!) of the Flames ugly sweater designs. (We feel you, Rover.) Chuck’s poor, beloved Dougie Hamilton wins/loses this one – that a lot of yellow even if he weren’t a ginger. Luckily, a cameo by Brandon Bollig’s abs make Christmas the day of giving all over again.

The Senators also broke out the ugly sweaters… sort of. How many hairstyles got made for these little LEGO guys?

Overall, that gets a meh. But the coach should definitely say “Karl” more often. I wasn’t sure he was talking to the only other guy in the scene.

The Canucks went to musical route but, unlike the Habs, left the heavy lifting to other people. Smart move. I may despise The Sound of Music and only understand 20% of the references here, but it’s well done.

And anytime a music video allows hockey players to break the Nick Carter Rule (no freestyle dancing, you dork), we are in.

Speaking of singing and, er, dancing, I’m just going to let the Blues video speak sing for itself.

Stick to what you’re good at, Blues. So, basically this (photo from @BedGear):

Alison printed this out and showed it to Santa.

Alison printed this out and showed it to Santa.

 

Many teams that didn’t produce videos found other ways to spread holiday cheer. The Islanders did some toy shopping for delivery to a local hospital. The Blackhawks did a hospital visit, and the Wild too. I stopped counting after that. The Devils don’t have a video, but Adam Henrique still went out in search of another human that shares his affinity for elf culture.

Celebratory cheekbones

Celebratory cheekbones

 

Did we miss any? We’d hate for Santa to leave anyone off his list! You know there’s something extra under the tree for anyone who embarrasses themselves for the sake of our entertainment.

Update: From the AHL’s Providence Bruins, here’s Max Talbot and Co. after raiding Henrique’s closet.

max

Bonus points for the matching tie.

 

Update #2, from Natalie: Not-team related, but we’ll post because Roman Josi can have our column whenever he wants it. Also, I require an explanation of these pants.

From @rjosi90

From @rjosi90

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, friends. May your days be merry and bright – and your nights full of your team earning points.

Tune in Tonight!

Though it’s barely been cold this winter, now is the time to get warmed up for the Winter Classic!

This year, it’s the Habs vs. the Bruins at Foxboro Stadium in Boston on January 1. EPIX once again has cameras embedded with each team to bring you their 4-part behind the scenes series “Road to the NHL Winter Classic.”

The show premieres tonight at 10/9 Central. You can watch it LIVE and FREE on EPIX.com. (I wonder if they got any footage of that “Frozen” karaoke video being recorded… or if we’ve really seen all we need.)

We are pretty excited – as is Puck Daddy – because, let’s face it, we are hoping for The PK Subban Show. Even Chuck, Bruins fan that she is, can’t say no to the PK.

The Penguins are in Boston tonight for a Wednesday Night Rivalry game, airing on NBC Sports. The “Road to the Winter Classic” episode stays available online after it’s 10 PM airtime, so you can catch it after the game.

EPIX Winter Classic art

Our favorite hangover remedy

 

Singing Loud For All to Hear

I was blasting Adele to drown out my husband being waaaay ahead of me on Jessica Jones, when I finally got to this.

 

Turn it up.

Is there sugar in syrup?

Is there sugar in syrup?

 

Now, I can identify about two of the Canadiens by their faces, so I really wish this thing had nameplates. I turned to the team roster to find find the names of my new favorite hockey players.

Dale Weise: Best Jazz Hands

dale weise

You should see him build a snowman.

 

Brendan Gallagher: Most Likely to Add “Disney Prince” to his Tinder Profile

He is an assistant captain? He's eight years old.

He is an assistant captain? He’s eight years old.

 

Nathan Beaulieu: Best Cross-Promotion of Disney-Owned Property

Debut Single: "A la Peanut Butter Sandwiches (Dance Remix ft. Justin Bieber)"

Debut Single: “A la Peanut Butter Sandwiches (Dance Remix ft. Justin Bieber)”

 

Jeff Petry: TIE – Most Age-Inappropriate Haircut and Best Liar

He sings "God knows, I tried" without actually trying.

He sings “God knows, I tried” without actually trying.

 

Lars Eller: TIE – Most Likely to Star in Disney on Ice Presents: Frozen and/or Answer to the Name “Sven”

eller

My bad, Sven is the reindeer! He’s cute too. I mean Kristoff, apparently.

 

Tomas Fleischmann: Most Confused why North Americans Find this Funny

Also could be a Sven.

Also could be a Sven.

 

Mike Condon: Most Likely to Have a Go-To Karaoke Song (That is By Journey)

Hold on to that feeeeelayeeeeyang!

Hold on to that feeeeelayeeeeyang!

 

Torrey Mitchell: Most Emotive Performance in 4th Grade Class Play

It's all in the shoulder sway.

It’s all in the shoulder sway.

 

PK Subban: Moment You Realize “Let it Go” is Much Longer Than You Thought

Why is this buried at the 2:55 mark?

Why is this buried at the 2:55 mark?

 

Bless all the guys who are into this, but the real star is Carey Price. He looks like he wants to die.

Carey Price: Most Likely to Trade His Voice to Ursula for Legs to Get the Hell Out of Here

Thingamabobs? I got twenty.

Thingamabobs? I got twenty.

 

It will always bother me that “Let it go” is followed by “I am one with the wind and sky” instead of “wind and snow.” Yes, it rhymes the second line with the fourth, damn you ABAB scheme, but it rings awkwardly in my ear.

Though not as awkwardly as thinking of Elsa but seeing this in my mind:

Just wait till Pirates of the Caribbean karaoke, says Andrei Markov.

Just wait till Pirates of the Caribbean karaoke, says Andrei Markov.

 

Oh what fun that Canadiens are having among the NHL’s top three teams. Happy holidays to all. May Santa put copyright infringement lawsuits in your stockings!

Ugly Sweater Weather

Let’s be honest. It’s time to retire the “ugly Christmas sweater” idea. The universe knows it, Santa knows it. My retinas certainly know it. But how can we be absolutely sure it’s time to kick a trend to the curb?

The NHL has fully adopted it.

sweater1

Two-star rating? Keep it at full price.

 

Whew. That’s what the hangover feels like after you’ve been roofied at a party in the Hot Tub Time Machine.

hot tub

Here, hold my quilted parka.

 

They had some ugly sweaters last season, but now there are 202 options. Once the NHL gets hold of something, you know it’s a) well past cool and b) never going away. The ugly NHL holiday sweater is your new Nickelback, and Bettman is not sorry.

Since they’ll be dusting these off annually until Ryan Nugent Hopkins looks at least 25 (so, 40 years for now), let’s see how the doomed (that’s us) will fare.

nyr

‘Merica

 

This Rangers sweater is too ugly even for the Rangers. It’s the belligerent flag of whatever America Donald Trump is trying to create. Is he the reviewer who gave it 5 stars? Who bought so many that it’s one of the few holiday sweaters NOT on sale?

pens

Now with enhanced action puck

 

Black and yellow… snow. That’s the color of this yarn – faded pee. I bet it’s custom dyed, the NHL is so committed to making fetch this happen. On the bright side, if you’re buying a gift for the Penguins fan you want out of your life, it’s on sale!

toews

It’s like he signed your chest.

 

Sweet sassy molassy. Did Toews approve this? Or did his contract allow the NHL to put his image on “urinal cakes or Christmas sweaters, but not both”, and he’d been hopefully searching for his face in every bar bathroom in Chicago? I hope they make this in exxxxxxtra-small for his dog. (That would be retail price, obviously: $79.99.)

blues

Beep bloop.

 

The Blues sweater takes the 1980’s throwback look seriously – as seriously as a low-res tube TV with the color balance turned off. I can hardly see this thing, even while squinting, at yet its impenetrable color palette does nothing to lessen the overall horror. It’s like a really, really depressed R2D2, painted by Picasso.

sad r2

Merrrrrrrrrrrrp

 

Of course, there’s also such a thing as too bright:

flyers

Sharp cheddar

 

FEW LEFT! But why? The orange color was recalled to alleviate a worldwide shortage of road cones? They ran out of the radioactive dye injected into bloodstreams to find heart problems? All I know is, I’m never eating carrots again.

What if you got this Bruins Bergy facesweater for Christmas:

bergy

Hello… FACE!

 

Is it so horrible that you’d buy this to wear over it?

bruins

Look into my B…

 

I’d say yes, but I’m pretty sure if you stare at that vest long enough, a 3D image of Bergy’s face leaps out and bites you. Just think: layers warm enough for a Boston winter, and just $113.98! Order yours today!

Please note Bergy’s facesweater is $8 more than Toews’ facesweater, which is the same price as Crosby’s. I bet this is how the NHL will conduct 2016 All-Star voting.

bolts

SHOUTY CAPS

 

This. This looks less like an NHL Ugly Lightning Sweater and more like something you’d buy in China, wherein all the pieces are known images and letters, but their combination makes no sense.

hanson

Smells like team spirit

 

Apparently lightning bolts were too non-denominational, and had to be replaced by reindeer. But panthers (that look like elephants) and coyotes (that, in knit, look like the poop emoji), are acceptable representations of Christmas spirit.

panthers coyotes

Why does the Florida one need to say Florida?

 

Not hurricanes, though. They get reindeered. Man, what do extreme weather phenomena have to do to make the nice list?

hurricanes

Intern Jeff’s office attire

 

Notice the NHL replaced the Predator with candy canes…

preds

Official hockey team of IKEA

 

Presumably because the real Predator eats reindeer, and also opposes the NHL expansion to its home planet of Yautja Prime.

Mmm, candy canes.

Mmm, candy canes.

 

It’s not just trends the NHL gets right every time. They always seem to have great women’s gear too! [sarcasm font] Check out these gems:

womens

“Eyelash” style, because it feels like you have one in your eye.

 

They’re not out of focus, they’re fuzzy! Because the NHL loves us and wants us to be single forever  die alone  be warm and cozy! Which is why they’ve reduced the price from $80 to $40, for something I’d use to wax my car.

women2

A really sharp eyelash.

 

And ugly sweaters are not just for humans. Oh no! The NHL wants to ensure that bears and monkeys have no friends…

bruins bear

Society for the Prevention of Ugly Sweaters to Animals

 

And they figure you might as well look frightening in the morning, since you woke up alone anyway.

isles slippers

You may be lonely, but at least you’ll be warm.

 

There are many more teams and options available at shop.NHL.com. In fact, two more items were added overnight, since I began this post. Someone is counting page clicks in single digits, riotously adding ugly sweater gear because someone – ANYONE! – has been browsing there.

Er, I actually like these.

Er, I actually like these.

 

Of course, if you’ve bought, gifted or received one of these items, you have gotten everything right. They are supposed to be ugly! This post is merely a testament to their success. And the NHL will keep them in fashion long after your favorite player leaves the team for which you bought a jersey with his name on it.

May you have many holiday occasions on which to wear your Ugly NHL Sweater, filled with cheer. Just watch the booze, because these patterns could take you from tipsy to trashed in the blink of a squinted eye.  You’ll end up slurring drunken hockey nonsense to anyone in shouting distance.

Which has never, ever happened to us.

sherlock

I love hybrid icing! It’s like tag for slow people who are cheaters!

 

Finally, next year we suggest the NHL have a big marketing meeting to discuss how to continue selling nothing, ever, to anyone. Perhaps a brilliant, fresh idea will spring to mind. “Keep Calm and Crosby On,” anyone?

phoebe

I hate that phrase far more than any sweater.

 

Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye

Pascal Dupuis announced yesterday that he will stop playing hockey due to issues surrounding the blood clot he was diagnosed with last season.

duper2

871 career games, 409 career points

 

As explained by Puck Daddy, it’s not an official retirement because Duper still has years left on his contract with the Penguins. He will go on LTIR for the balance of time.

While this is undoubtedly a smart move, it breaks my little heart. Duper is beyond a fan favorite. He’s like everyone’s wacky uncle, and you know holidays will be more stressful without him at the table. He looked out for his teammates, especially awkward Crosby, and always seemed to be looking out for us at the same time.

pens gif

Thanks for the memories.

 

To celebrate Duper, here are my 5 favorite Pascal Dupuis moments:

1. PRANKS: Duper rigged the toilet in their room to hose down Crosby upon flushing. I’d put money on it being his idea to fill Kadar’s car with styrofoam peanuts. Nealer knew it was Duper when someone tied a tail to his car… just in time for his NHL 36 special.

2. Which leads us to HAIR STYLIST. Bless his sarcastic, teasing heart.

dupuis

Doing our work for us.

 

3. Duper’s running joke with DAAAAAAAN Potash, making every intermission a possible trip to laughland. Like this one, this one and, oh heck, they’re all my favorites. Here, Duper narrates a compilation like he’s so proud he got all his teammates in on the master plan.

4. And then there’s THE BEARD. I always want the Pens in the Final, and Duper would have been an odds-on Penguin favorite for Beard of the Year.  Here’s to the pelted manbeard that Crosby’s babyscruff looked up to all these years.

cup

2009 Stanley Cup champ

 

5. Of course there’s MY FANGIRL MOMENT. I meet a lot of famous people through my job. Really famous people. And I never get stupid, giddy, stammering excited like I do around hockey players I love.

duper

Me, holding it together.

 

What I’ll really miss most are the days Dupuis-Crosby-Kunitz were SCORING GOALS like we eat nachos – lots of ’em, and as fast as possible. It’s been a while since this combo clicked, but the Penguins believed in reuniting them as recently as this week. [Post-Gazette]  My stubborn loyalty always believed it too.

We wish Duper the best of luck, and hope to see him coaching an aspect of the Pens game very soon. Perhaps improving it. There is certainly room for that right now.

Cruel Summer

In this holiday season of lists, allow me to read from a list that I keep all year:

Times I Don’t Care That You Insist on Wearing  Chain

sid1

Stop looking at me, swan.

 

That’s it. That’s the whole list.

I will also begin a new list: Reasons We Have 47 Twitter Notifications Before 10 AM

The single listed item will be the same.

sid2

As ever, he is the list.

 

Here’s a Southern California tourism video designed to fool you into moving to SoCal for five years where you will never once see this…

Unless you buy a really big TV and watch Top Gun. [Obligatory scene here]

pens1

California dreamin’, on such a winter’s day.

 

It’s going to have to be one of those 4K Ultra TVs. Maybe with 3D.

pens2

Duper would be your wingman any time.

 

It’s okay if Hornqvist is your favorite Penguin after watching this clip. Ian Cole’s gingerbeard and cat snuggling were pretty impressive,  but this is a whole new level.

The Pens spanked the Sharks 5-1 on Tuesday night, and don’t play again until they face the Kings at 4PM on Saturday. That leaves alllllllll day tomorrow for more beach volleyball. In case anyone (else) is interested.

pens3

The highest of fives.

 

Must’ve Had a Good Time

I am SO late in posting a recap of one of my favorite hockey games ever! Back on Thrusday, 11/17, the Capitals hosted the red hot (all puns intended) Dallas Stars.

Meet my friend Jess. Isn’t she pretty? With her red coat and red hair, she could be the Caps mascot… except they already have one (more on this later).

The Moore Sisters (no relation)

The Moore Sisters (no relation)

 

I recently won a Caps Ultimate Fan Experience, and took Jess as my date. The package consists of watching warm-ups from the penalty box, plus two lower-level seats. Which, after watching warm-ups from the penalty box, seem like they’re in the parking lot.

You can buy these ticket packages here. They come with a jersey and run $250+ depending on the game you want. The Stars game was lowest tier. Obviously that schedule was made last season! For a special occasion, or if you wanted to impress your hockey blogger wife (ahem), it’s pretty darned cool.

Queen of All She Surveys

Queen of All She Surveys

 

How are we ever going to watch warm-ups from anywhere else? Would we ever get used to pucks pinging off the glass non-stop in front of our faces? Maybe if I’d been looking at the Caps’ side, I’d have seen those pucks coming. But Jamie Benn was right there.

Dramatic reenactment

Dramatic reenactment

 

After acting like we owned the place/team/universe, and taking a sneaky photo with Caps’ announcer Wes Johnson…

Act cool, man.

Excuse me sir, would you record my outgoing voicemail?

 

We moved to our excellent 7th row seats right at the goal line where the Stars shot twice. Now, we were definitely rooting for the Caps, but the Stars have some high-powered offense and it was fun to watch Benn & Seguin connect for a goal up close. If I could teleport, I would have revealed my power to the world when I popped into the middle of their hug.

Not the actual hug, but I am not picky.

Not the actual hug, but I am not picky.

 

Our Tweet was even featured on the Jumbotron, which I then included in a Tweet about the Jumbotron. It was all very meta.

I can see the nachos from here.

I can see the nachos from here.

 

The already epic night held two more highlights in store. First, I had the pleasure of meeting Erin (@ErinMIHaley) and Jen (@jhro_jhro), and talking some hockey in real life with people I talk to on the Twitters all the time. I love this. If you ever come to Verizon, say the word and we’ll meet by the Dunkin’ Donuts. (Which no longer has iced tea, so maybe we’ll meet somewhere else.)

Internet blind date!!

Interweb friends

 

The second shiny object was literally one for the record books. Ovechkin scored career goal number 484, passing Sergei Federov and claiming the title of most goals by a Russian-born player in NHL history.

ovi1

I do miss him on Twitter: @ovi8

 

Ovi has never been my favorite, but I’ve seen quite a few of those goals in person and this was a pretty fantastic moment, both for him and the Caps’ faithful.

Bald is beautiful

Bald is beautiful

 

To round out the night – and maybe because he was afraid of Jess taking his job – Slapshot came down and paid us a visit. The Caps didn’t win the game, but we definitely had a winner of a night.

IMG_1605x

Sir, I can’t see over your plumage.

 

Since losing this game to Dallas, the Caps have won 5 straight and jumped over the NYR (whoop!) for first in the Metro Division. Now if only the Penguins could stop losing in OT and get those second points….

Hockey Thanksgiving!

I woke up this morning to the Twitter “moments” collection of Fat Pets. Honestly, if my true calling isn’t assembling brilliant colelctions of internet things, I may never find purpose in life.

So, while I wait for my fat pants to finish in the dryer, here is a list of five hockey-related things we are thankful for, because they just keep giving.

Toews is fun now. Take a moment to remember the Jonathan Toews you met years ago.

toeews3

I still call my mom for recipes too.

 

And Jonathan Toews of today.

toews2

Cowabunga, dude.

 

Was it all that exposure to Blackhawks TV that changed him? Time spent with Kaner?Or is it just winning that opened his three-times-too-serious sized heart? It might have been his little dog, too.

The Sidstache. Be honest, you kind of like it! Maybe I am speaking for myself, but it’s not that bad this Movember. It’s still a mustache, and I cannot imagine a world in which I’d support mustaches for no charitable reason, but at least it looks mostly like a real mustache. And hey, it gets a whole month to grow. I am just preparing myself for what Sid will look like a month into the playoffs this season. When the choices are mustache or golf shoes, this mustache is looking pretty sweet.

crosby-gif

At least you can tell it’s supposed to be a mustache.

 

Cabbie Presents… exactly what You were thinking. Cabbie is our spirit animal in the mainstream (okay, Canadian) media world. He takes what we are thinking, saying and even secretly wishing for, and makes it for everyone.  The Sid Selfie? Tavares Man Bun? Endless gems – and exactly the videos we’d make if it were safe for us to be within selfie range.

cabbie1

Please let this escalate into choreographed dancing.

 

Inside jokes. There are so many hockey references that make me laugh, a few have to do with in-game moments. From Intern Jeff Skinner to thinking “Girls love” every time Malkin is a dork, a lot of our random chatter keeps the game close to our hearts. Maybe Toews is doing a squat in Spanx right now (he would, on Thanksgiving, that overachiever). If Tavares is celebrating American Thanksgiving, I guarantee his fat pants are khakis! And no matter how much you eat, rest assured that Steven Stamkos is definitely thinking, “Hey girl.”

skinner1

At his induction to the Intern Hall of Fame

 

YOU. We are thankful for everyone who reads WUYS, and especially the many of you who interact with us and each other both here and on social media. You guys are the funny, smart backbone of this place! You send us the best ideas and carry on inside jokes we would otherwise only have with ourselves. Thanks to all of you this blog is still skating along five (5!) years later.

seguin

Okay, a hug from us isn’t this good.

 

Your turn! Leave your hockey-related gratitude in the comments below. It’ll give us ideas for future posts, and maybe open our eyes to a few things we’ve missed in the first quarter of this season.

Happy Thanksgiving, Americans! And to all our Canadian friends, there is plenty for you too.

cat

Me, circa 7PM tonight.

Only Weird if it Doesn’t Work

Today really got away from me – because I spent it recovering from last night, when this happened:

sid1

Dan Potash knows what news we can use.

 

Instant, full-volume inner monologue:

adele

Outside the glass-slash-TV screen.

 

It’s a understatement to say  the Crosbot is off to a slow start this season. With 3 G and 7 A, his 10 points rank him 134th in the League. This from a guy who finished third in goals last year, and was only beaten on the very last day. The Pens, however, have turned around the struggle bus around and are now 4th in the East (8th in the League) with 24 points.

So what’s the most superstitious guy in the locker room League world to do?

He actually changed something. Is the world ending? Look outside. Have you seen any locusts today? How about frogs? If you see one, RUN. A plague may follow.

Even websites that are not this blog are talking about it:  Sporting News | Pensburgh | All of Twitter

From so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com, hashtagged #hishairlookssuper90shere

From so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com, hashtagged #hishairlookssuper90shere

 

I imagine Sid debating “warm-up helmet” vs. “peanut butter-and-something-not-jelly” at length. Perhaps he called a friend (John Tavares) who used graph paper to plot the pros and cons (John Tavares).  He didn’t just throw off his helmet in the tunnel and ask Duper to hockey-stick his hair.

Or maybe he did.

https://twitter.com/brittamulaney/status/667491594250166272

Either way, it worked. It even works with that mustache (er, in spite of the mustache). And it worked in real life, as Sid scored the game winning goal vs. Colorado. You know what that means.

hair 2

:: hair ruffle ::

 

Forever. Or at least longer than the mustache lasts, a girl can hope.

Full report at 11.

Full report at 11.

 

Stars in 2016

It’s election time in the US – wait, not really. We have another year of this crap! But one hockey squad isn’t missing the chance to fast track their big campaign: The Dallas Stars really want to be your favorite team.

Campaign Strategy #1: Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin have all the points.

seguin points

All the points that are not Patrick Kane’s, that is.

 

Combined, Seguin & Benn have 44 points in 16 games. The calculator tells me that is 2.75 PPG. Common sense tells me that is a LOT.

Seguin is averaging 1.43 PPG through 16 games. Last season he played a 1.1 PPG pace all year, ending with 77 points. There’s still a long way to go, but when we think of Tyler, we think “performance.”

benn goals

Silence Fives, a Ten is speaking.

 

Benn won the Art Ross Trophy last season in a mad finish line dash, scoring four points in the Stars’ last game, beating Tavares by one point and Crosby by three. Last season, Jamie had 5 G in the first 15 games, and ended with 35. So far, with 10 G in 16 games, we’re looking for a 70 G -ish season.

Okay, even he probably can’t do that. But his 0.673 GPG average this season would be 51 G. No problem, right?

 

Really, it’s all summed up in this photo from Shattered Lens Photography.

What does it feel like, waking up knowing you have exactly 5x more assists than the average NHL player?

seguin assts

This beard looks like a disguise to fool facial recognition software on The Blacklist.

 

Probably the same way it feels to wake up looking like this.

Bless the media section of Seguin's website.

Bless the media section of Seguin’s website.

 

That’s Campaign Strategy #2: Jamie Benn World Takeover

 

Tyler Seguin’s no surprise – if you haven’t seen all his handsome rogue-ishness or heard “I Knew You Were Trouble” when he walked in, you’re not paying attention. Jamie Benn is the dark horse, the sleeper; warming to his role as not-so-sidekick with all the slow charm one expects of Texas. He’s tapped a natural resource and now we’re all getting rich.

Even if he doesn’t know much about Dallas… [Sportsnet video: Know Your City]

You play hockey, we'll read books.

You play hockey, we’ll read books.

 

Not that we don’t still appreciate Tyler. He’s making kids happy, making rubber ducks blush (I mean really) and ruining the romantic futures of 16-year old girls.

Sorry, Chip from homeroom. You're out.

She just broke up with Chip from homeroom on Facebook.

 

If she’s from Dallas, Tyler could use a tutor. [Sportsnet Video: Know Your City]

Got the one about the swingers' club, though. Natch.

Got the one about the swingers’ club, though. Natch.

 

Campaign Strategy #3: Winning Often

It’s one thing for a top line to score. That team can still lose a lot of games. But the Stars currently sit in 3rd, with the same number of points as the 2nd place Rangers (who’ve won six in a row/barf). They’re 7-3-0 in their last 10 games and, so far this season, Dallas’ victories are by an average of 2.1 GPG. Benn & Seguin’s point totals account for only 15% of points recorded by the Stars this season – the love is spread around. (Their combined 19 G, though, equal 34% of the Stars offense.)

stat

I see my team squeaking in there…

 

Campaign Strategy #4: Ticket Prices

Okay, no one campaigns for this. But the average lowest StubHub price for a ticket to the next 10 Stars games is $15.40. You can get in the door for less than the cost of a parking pass. You could see Intern Jeff Skinner from the 100-level on 12/8 for $37. The highest in-the-door cost is, sensibly, to see the NHL-leading Montreal Canadiens. At $25. There are expensive seats, of course, but if you’re only mildly interested in hockey (such people do exist), this could be your introduction. Parents can take their kids. Or, like when I was little, kids can take their parents!

I really hope people take advantage of these prices. It won’t last, not if the Stars’ success does, but it’s the perfect opportunity to grow the fan base while they’ve got something super to watch.  Something like…

Best Reddit reply to this video: “Just ask him out already!!! It’s like the last 10 minutes of a young adult novel.”

Now that would be Campaign Strategy #5, just sayin’.

UPDATE: Campaign Strategy #652, courtesy of @RunsonDuncan:

Please be real, please be real...

Please be real, please be real…

#BeardWatch2016 Begins

In September at our college reunion, I confessed to Chuck that I am secretly so tired of writing about beards. I can’t be funny anymore, I am no longer inspired, I’ve seen everything and…

m2

Pre-game video that makes you question loyalties.

 

I LIED. BEARDS ALWAYS.

m1

Did anyone know about this? I’m glad you didn’t warn me. #TeamEbs turning up in November looking like he might if the Oilers ever made the playoffs is a revolution. He missed the first 13 games with a shoulder injury sustained on September 29. He obviously spent this time very, very well.

Post-game, the beard was still there. Thank heaven, because if I were going to hallucinate something, it would definitely look like this. The Oilers locker room has really nice lighting, no?

m3

Post-game video that needs a hug.

 

Bonus: Jordan Eberle Halloween commercial.

Oilers side note: The PUPPIES have a social media campaign about PUPPIES. Okay, other animals are eligible but they are clearly reading @alisonsykora‘s Tweets.

m4

This is so meta.

 

Since it’s Monday, and Jordan Eberle & Mike Green train together in the off-season [What is this machine and how do I get a job making sure they use it properly?], I feel compelled to report that this is still amazing.

Post-game video that is now wash-and-go.

 

Ugh, Capitals. You will never be the same.

m5

“I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh. “I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”

 

Then yesterday I opened the WUYS Twitter and saw 17 notifications. Either Jonathan Toews did a ceremonial face off against his tiny dog, or…

 

Yup. Everyone is demanding Aaron Ekblad be carbon-dated to prove his age. Which is 19, I’m probably legally required to remind you. Thanks to @ErinMiHaley for this one.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Chris Higgins in the beard post. He is just back from a foot injury and, well, you can’t flash your abs on every play.

Post-game video that hates losing with :16 left.

Post-game video that hates losing with :16 left.

 

Last, but not least, nothing has changed for our favorite Gingerbeard down in Nashville: still rocking the scruff, still getting into trouble.

m9

“Details of your incompetence do not interest me.” – Miranda Priestly

 

On Thursday, James Neal took out Zach Parise. You could take Yahoo‘s headline opinion (quoted from Wild coach Suter), that hit was “dangerous, reckless”, or go with CBS Sports‘ feeling that the hit “doesn’t look dirty on Neal’s part.” You be the judge:

To me it’s clean enough, though awkward and ill-timed. From another player, I don’t know that this hit would be a conversation piece. At least Nashville seems to have had the sense not to let James speak to media post-game. Zach is week-to-week, after scoring 7 G in 12 games, so we hope he’s back on the ice soon.

With a beard.

Who else is sporting an excellent early-season pelt? Send them my way before they shave down to 1970’s cop-style Movember ‘staches.

UPDATE: Patrick Roy’s beard is perfect. For every time you just want to lose your $%&@ and scream at someone, think of this and feel zen.

Submitted by Henriikkax!

Submitted by Henriikkax!

Sharp Dressed Men

Forgive me for having been away, as now I am talking about all the old things. I’m like your drunk aunt at Thanksgiving who starts telling a story someone else just finished telling.

Trust me, you won’t mind hearing this one twice.

Sharp Magazine wants men in Canada to have nice clothes and a classy lifestyle – or it wants to rub their faces in never having made the NHL. Either way, we win. In what I can only assume is an ode to 50 Shades of Gray, here are a rash of NHLers too good to be true. Not only are they attractive, wealthy and well-dressed, but based on these photos, they have feeeeeelings.

Patrice Bergeron gazes longingly from the bridge where he’s just let you drive off, in his favorite Porsche, to pursue your (other) dreams.

 

Justin Faulk is really, really sorry that his hands are so big and his hair is so tousled.

sharp faulk

Foxy Friday – overdue

 

Gabe Landeskog doesn’t want you to worry. He can afford another pair when he has to cut these pants off his calves.

 

Claude Giroux feels his angsty, swarthy robber look is appropriate for stealing your heart. (Note: something already tried to climb his pants.)

 

Jacob Trouba hopes you’re still into those vampire books everyone was reading.

 

Oliver Ekman-Larson intentionally left his battered paperback of Rainer Maria Rilke poems at your place last night.

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Honestly, I had NO idea he looked like this.

 

Joe Pavelski had a tough day at his skyscraper investment bank. Can he interest you in a magnum of Moët to share?

 

Roman Josi brought an extra blanket for stargazing from the deck of his yacht.

 

I wish there were more of these! I don’t know if they’re from the current issue or an upcoming one, but I doubt the magazine has the centerfold you were hoping for.

When in Rome…

How dare this premiere while I was away? Picture me, phone in hand, running toward the beach on some Caribbean island, wondering if I can swim from there to Brooklyn.

John Tavares, Prince of Khakis, may be second in perfection only to Cabbie, who seems to have a live feed of my inner monologue running in his comedy lair. He always knows exactly what everyone will find funny – the players, the fans, my inner teenybopper.

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Hipsters are so hip they’re really not very hip at all anymore. Even beards are so ubiquitous they are becoming passe. While trends may come and go, one thing never changes: John Tavares.

First of all, he is wearing khakis. Witness him in his natural habitat:

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Secondly, his teeth are PERFECT. Too perfect, and at a little fake, since we did see him pull a few out on TV that time. I haven’t been so dazzled since Hilary Duff got veneers.

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In the interview, John claims he’s a good wingman. I bet this is true. He is profoundly handsome, the better for distract any girl’s friend(s), but – let’s be honest – not everyone wants to talk about compound interest with a guy who offers to buy them a white wine spritzer. (I do, though. I really do.)

But if you’re into middle school science teachers (::raises hand::), please note and praise that John is at least not wearing white socks. A lot of work goes into these outfits, people. And then there are his loafers.

Loafers. Dear Lord.

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Photo from BarDown.com

 

A true gentleman, John is game for every joke fired at his gosh-darnedness. From the NHL Awards to this… if John were faking the nice guy act, he’d be an Oscar-winner. And now, the glasses:

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Objection: We love glasses. [Exhibit A – Foxy Friday: Glasses] Cabbie gets a demerit for choosing terrible glasses that most hipsters wouldn’t even wear. Maybe he was worried John would look even more scholarly and Halloween sales of schoolgirl costumes in Canada would skyrocket. I happen to think a nice pair of rectangle frames would look great while John reads a textbook on sedimentary strata of the Cretaceous period.

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Finally, because he had to, the man bun. Was this wig part of a hipster costume? It better resembles a samurai wig… or me every day right now on Sunday.

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Thank God we can be sure John will never become a hipster. He may panic when he realizes not a single Brooklyn retailer has sold khakis since ’99, or, if the Isles play well, maybe khakis will become hip. Maybe polo shirts and the word “gosh” will pervade an ironic subculture. Either way, no one will pull it off as perfectly as John.

PS: John is sick, and missed both games this weekend. I imagine him weakly ripping up his spreadsheet on which calculated the usefulness of a flu shot. Get well soon! Try the wheatgrass-kale-cardamom latte with echinacea boost, it’s ayurvedic.