Before Today

- Posted in Newsies, Off-Season Projects

Before anything major can happen today (we should have about 10 minutes, or unit Jason Spezza is official), let’s talk about what has already happened to our lives.

cry blog

I  was out Friday night/most of Saturday with no phone.  I apologize to those who texted and Tweeted , only to assume I’d retreated with a gallon of ice cream into a padded room over:

James Neal

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UGH. Sad Pants.  In the movies, the jackass, all-skill and no-brains quarterback gets the chance to redeem himself.  I’ve long held out hope James Neal would be that guy.  You all know my love/hate, ‘get your shit together’/’do all that with your hair perfectly styled’ feelings for Neal.  Suffice to say that I thought he was getting there.  I always thought he was getting there, which is why his digressions made me so mad.  Now he’ll get there – I still believe that – with another team.  Should the Pens have waited?  Maybe.  40 goals is a lot to see leave.  But I’m not surprised.  In the end, maybe this trade gave Neal what the Penguins tried to give him for three years: a lesson in growing up, accompanied by a swift kick in the ass.

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In return, the Pens got Patric Hornqvist and Nick Spaling.  Hornqvist once scored 30 goals, and nearly every one from right in front of the net [brilliant chart].  Unless I was watching a different Penguins team, this was never Neal’s main job.  He scored from everywhere, did so often, and was a danger any time he stepped onto the ice.  Grumpy Pants is not getting happier here.  Spaling, according to The Tennessean, can “do everything.”  Like have a career-high 13-goal season, one time.  Sure these guys have qualities the Pens want, “grit” being chief among them per new GM Jim Rutherford.   I’ve never watched either of them play.  But this seems to put more onus on Crosby-Kunitz-Dupuis (oh God, welcome back) to carry the Penguins scoring – and when they don’t deliver, burn down the world!  For all the people who said “Kunitz is only Kunitz because of Crosby,” no one ever said “Neal is only Neal because of Malkin.”  Geno can’t turn Hornqvist into a 40-goal guy.  Let’s hope Hornqvist is ready to do that himself.

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Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop watching or talking about James, or hoping he gets this right.  You don’t have to find someone in Nashville.  Maybe those folks will find us.

Michael Del Zotto

The Predators will not re-sign MDZ and today he becomes a UFA.  This is a tragic loss of potential bromance with Neal.  Hair product stock prices dropped.  Nashville girls pouted and cranked up their sad country songs.  Oh wait, that was me.

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Danny Briere

To Colorado!  When I see news like this on TV in a bar with no sound while the people around me are talking about pizza, it’s hard to react appropriately.  After a hundred years as a Flyer and one as a Canadien, during which he and the team much maligned each other over playing time and performance, Danny Briere will join the Avalanche’s wild young potential.  Will he play more there?  No.  But I’ll watch them more.  The Habs get PA Parenteau and a 5th round pick in return.

Philadelphia Flyers v Montreal Canadiens

Ryan Kesler

When Kesler ended up on the trading block, he reportedly limited his destination options to the Ducks or Hawks.  Must be a nice world where you can make those kinds of demands.  After a flurry of panic-inducing Patrick Sharp trade rumors, Kes went to the Ducks.  The Canucks got Nick Bonino, Luca Sbisa and a first round pick and a later pick they swapped for Derek Dorsett.  Is that a fair deal to send a guy like Kesler to a division rival?  If you believe the Vancouver optimists, Ryan’s 30th birthday at the end of August basically signals the death of his career anyway.

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It’s always a good sign when you Google Image search someone and it suggests you ad “abs” to your results.  If nothing else, Ryan will look good on that So Cal beach.

Sam Gagner

Oh Sam.  The Oilers broke up the band by trading #TeamSam to Tampa Bay for Teddy Purcell, in a deal that Lindsay somehow made happen with her mind.  Five minutes (okay, maybe forty minutes) later, Sam was bounced again to the Phoenix Arizona Coyotes in exchange for BJ Crombeen.  The guy got two Foxy Fridays, then he got traded twice in two hours.  Sorry if that’s our fault, somehow.  One hilarious fan made a Tampa Bay “Thanks Sam” tribute video.  Sam, well, it’s time to admit that I’ll probably never see you again.  Nothing against the Coyotes – it’s not you, it’s me.  And at least it wasn’t #TeamEbs. (Sorrrrrrry.)

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More, more, more to come all day.  No one is safe.  I’ll be watching like this:

couch dog

Waiting for the moment when Matt Niskanen signs somewhere else…

ross geller

 

The NHL A(wk)wards

- Posted in Glamour Shots, Hot Like Fire, Newsies, Off-Season Projects, Summer Lovin', We Love, Well OBVIOUSLY.

Two posts in two days? This place is like Santa’s Workshop! Last night was the annual NHL Awards, or as we like to call it: the NHL A(wk)wards.

2014 NHL Awards - Nominee Media Availability

I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

2014 NHL Awards - Inside

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

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We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

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Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

sid taylor

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

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Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

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Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

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Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

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It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

tuukka

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

varly

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

nate

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

kings

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

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Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

ference

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

Hockey is Happening!

- Posted in Uncategorized

Welcome back, hockey people we haven’t seen in a long time!  (Forgive our over-excitement.  Our teams can solve this problem by winning more/longer next year.)

blog dance

The NHL Awards are tonight – on a Tuesday.  Let that sink in… Tuesday.  Rock and roll.  We’ll take it, of course, desperate and starved as we are.  But not to overload Tuesday, hockey festivities began yesterday in two cities.

In Vancouver, Hockey Canada hosted an Olympic Gala and distributed rings.  Sid was there, opting for a brown t-shirt because he saw how excited we all got about mint green the other day.  Of course he was with Matt Duchene, who is turning turning into a country singer before our eyes.  (No complaints.)  PK puts everyone’s wardrobe to shame with zero effort.

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Especially Dan Hamhuis.  That color combination is so bad you can feel Pietrangelo and Weber begging for help as they stare into the camera.  Jame Benn (Short hair, don’t care!) had to look away.

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The next photo comes in two versions.

#1: THE CHUCK – Bergy and Nash being cool, hanging in the back, looking all cheekbones about it.

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Chuck’s reaction:

chuck

#2: THE PANTS – Front and center but you probably missed it on first glance…

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Live shot of me:

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Tavares in a t-shirt, ace jeans and a backwards ball cap?  Casual Monday-slash-I am dead.  Just don’t let this be the end of pleated khakis, polos and belts, John.  Don’t get too cool on me now.

Not to be forgotten, Sid’s shirt is okay too.

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And then, his suit.

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I swear he owns two suits and five shirts.  When future generations of WUYS readers use the internet built into their brains to crack open the Crosby photo file, they won’t be able to tell one year from another.  His whole career is “circa navy suit.”

Last night culminated in the Hockey Canada Gala.  PK did that thing again with his wardrobe and Carey Price loved his beard as much as we do.

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There’s John, almost appearing again.  I don’t see a single photo of him in what I presume was a suit… not one.  Who goes an entire pride-of-the-nation event wearing a shiny new Olympic ring and does not get photographed a single time?  John Tavares, folks.

Meanwhile in Vegas…

At NHL Awards 2014, media availability, Tazer discussed contract extensions, his lifelong commitment to Patrick Kane and he even almost smiled one time [video].

toews

Maybe he was thinking about his pink shorts.

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Giroux was there too – I tell ya, this guy could make a girl forget she hates the Flyer.  Whew.  So much so that I didn’t look at the video title and see SCOTT HARTNELL WAS TRADED [video].  Nine hours elapsed before I found this out!  If that’s not the truest sign of summer, take back my margarita.

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It figures that Hartnell was only traded as far as Columbus, after the time they gave the Pens these past playoffs.  Why can’t people get traded to the KHL?  At least it was a swap for RJ Umberger (what I say when I think about calories for two seconds then order what I want anyway) and not Dubinsky.  That would be from bad to worse.

Claude also discussed his Hart nomination [video], which I hope he loses.

Ovi spent the week in Vegas posting drunken Instagrams, then spoke about the Caps new coach [video].  I wonder how much of the second thing had to do with so much of the first. Of course I screen capped a rather smug moment.

ovi

The NHL Awards broadcast tonight at 7 PM.  I am debating watching in real time or waiting until fast forward becomes an option.  My “I can’t watch The Office, it’s too awkward!”-phobia is at DEFCON ONE during these shows.  Either way, if I survive I will post tomorrow.  With some actual hockey content.

Foxy Friday: Derick Brassard

- Posted in Foxy Friday, Playoffs

I watched the Kings/Rangers game Wednesday night.  I said I wouldn’t, but I’m visiting my parents and watched with my dad exactly the way we did in 1994 when last the NYR won the Cup.  Total time machine.  After twenty years  what has changed?  Absolutely nothing.  My anti-Rangers yelling at the TV is just more colorful and my father is used to it by now.

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He’s the cool dad.

My dad also started commenting on everyone’s beards.  Maybe he wants to blog for us. Or maybe the power of the playoff beard is just so great that no one can resist.  I should know better than to look right at it for 2.5 hours.  Now, from a level of crazy I can’t excuse:

Foxy Friday: Derick Brassard

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Part-time model

(Somewhere Chuck just fell out of her chair.)

I have a hot date with a Dierks Bentley concert tonight, so I won’t be watching the game, but let’s pretend for a minute Derick is not a Ranger.  Or still in the playoffs.  Heaven help me if this Foxy Friday propels them to a  comeback, I will never forgive myself.  Yet we must call a spade a spade – or in this case, a fox a fox.  Right?

nyr4

Perfect board definition

His beard is scrambling my brain.  As we said on Puck Daddy, it makes him look even more like Keanu Reeves, only less hipster-homeless-as-art and more… cuddly.

John Moore, maroon with navy is a big gamble.

Derick came over to Rangers with John Moore and Derek Dorsett in the trade for Marian Gaborik.  That is not working out for the NYR at the moment, unless you figure they got three playoff beards for the price of one.  Derick & Co. joined Rick Nash and should start a band called Th CBJ Relocation Program.

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Derick talking to his agent about a solo career.

Brass is 26, which surprised me, and from Quebec, which surprises no one.  He had a career-high 18 goals this season.  In 22 playoff games, he has 6 G/6A.

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Only 61 people have liked Derick via NHL.com on Facebook – get on that, y’all.  I checked Henrik and he’s got 9,100.  (Crosby = 16,000, justsaying.)

In addition to making the Stanley Cup Final, from which the Rangers will not be swept, Derick is good at other things.  We already talked about his bike riding:

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Am I tan yet?

He can also play baseball:

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You should see my baseball pants.

Carry your groceries:

db5

In winter, I shovel snow.

Be skeptical about Capitals hockey:

Derick Brassard

Really? These guys?

Admit his haircut could be better:

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High School Musical

Look good without trying:

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Fashion sneakers vs. function sneakers

And look good with trying:

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Got enough room there, Ry?

While I’m admitting some Rangers are attractive, I might as well give you guys my diary, PIN numbers and confess we missed a bromance.  A great one.  Now it’s gone forever but we’ll always have Mats Zuccarrello’s Instagram.

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Scenic route

V-necks for North Americans, Norwegians prefer crew.

V-necks for North Americans, Norwegians prefer crew.

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Indoors is just an excuse for arms.

Ah ah, you faltered there for a second, didn’t you?  Distracted by MDZ’s curls? Perhaps I need to remind you that Derick speaks French.

Whew.  My high school French is crap but that’s 11:31 of heaven.

despicable

It’s the accent.

NO.  As in no, he’s not single, but also NO RANGERS.  These are the rules!

Okay, one more exception – in English this time:

 

In their first game as Rangers, Brassard and Moore arrived 15 minutes before warm-ups… then Derick had a goal and 3 assists in their 6-1 win over Pittsburgh.  Of course it was Pittsburgh, placed 90% of the way through this post to remind me I hate myself.

db10

Yeah, we get it.

(Un-)Fun fact: Brassard’s ’08 season ended after a fight with fellow rookie James Neal.  Derick took six straight punches, dislocated his shoulder and required surgery.  He’d been tops in rookie scoring at that early date (Dec. 18).  Bet Brass remembered this when they knocked out the Pens this season:

 

There you have it:  Foxy Friday: New York Rangers are Still in the Playoffs Edition.  Will it all end tonight?  Can Jonathan Quick do this again?

db15

If any teams knows comebacks are possible…

Only if I haven’t jinxed everything.

db14

Can you blame her?

Sunshine and Tan Lines

- Posted in Bearded and Beautiful, Newsies, Playoffs

I never imagined I’d thank the Rangers for anything, but the day has come.

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Need help with that sunscreen?

Reminder: Chris Kreider went to BC.  See also: I hate myself.

The Rangers took to the beach in Venice to shake off their Game 1 OT loss and work on their tans.  Pale guys with beards – that’s what playoff hockey is all about.

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I thought this was Mike Richards for a second.

I hope at least one guy visited the $5 psychic who told me my entire, very specific future on this boardwalk.  So far, she’s been freakishly right about a lot of things.

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She must have given Girardi bad news.

I also hope everyone was wearing buckets of SPF 50.  Remember when Malkin had to sit out a Pens game due to “upper body injury” after an off-day in Florida?  You don’t want to be peeling during the pre-game skate.

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Derek Dorsett’s first day out, but Pouliot looks mid-July already.

Chris Krieder-inspired self-loathing aside, the best part of these photos is the conversation I imagined between Brian and Marc:

ny1

(Foreshawdowing – note the knee-length shorts.)

Boyle: Was that…?

Ginger Staal: Yes.

Boyle: Was he…?

Ginger Staal: Yup.

As Mats Zuccarello rides by…

ny5

Maximum tan surface area

In North American fashion, a guy would wear these shorts under other shorts.  Not so in Europe.  As the first Norwegian to play in a Stanley Cup Final, Zuccarello owns this look – which would get him sent home from Catholic school because his shorts don’t reach his extended fingertips.

Hey, it’s LA.  If you’ve got it, flaunt it.  I can see the US Weekly cover photo and headline: Zach Galifianakis shows off amazing new beach bod!

Thanks to Pam (@sunnyinnj) for sending these over.  She loves trying to make me like guys I think I hate.

It’s Not Over

- Posted in Newsies, Playoffs

The Kings’ win over the Blackhawks last night ended hopes for a Stanley Cup Final I would actually care about.  While Sad Kaner Face is something I cannot handle today, I will admit that this is brilliant:

kings

We all know that I hate the Rangers, but I am surprised to admit that I don’t hate them enough to hope they lose this series.  It could be because I do not care about the Kings at all.  Perhaps it’s residual emotional instability from being so dedicated to my own hockey team all year – when they are out, it’s like I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeee for the summer.  If other people want to voluntarily stay in school, rock on.

hangover

So, who to root for in the 2014 Stanley Cup Final?  My answer is no one.  A great many of my friends are Rangers fans – and a few people I’ve known for 19 years who’ve never said jack about hockey suddenly became Rangers fans in the past week.  They must’ve just missed out on 1994.  There will be no scrolling through the Facebook timeline for me, but I wish those die-hard Rangers fans luck.  (For your own good, not your team’s, and really we need to talk about your life choices.)

rangers

On the Kings side, we also have a few resident fans.  Best of luck to you, too.  It’s possible my Rangersrage will surface and I’ll be cheering LA to victory – but they won’t succeed, not if I’m on board.   You’re better off if I stay out here sunbathing in the yard.

bailey

I may watch a game to two, and I’ll almost definitely probably watch the Cup be awarded because it’s not the Cup’s fault I find this Final boring as crap.  This will be the year I don’t cry though.  Go on and try me.

broke girls

Are you guys in or out on this Final?  Freedom or four more wins required?  We should get some of you to write about it, because unless Chuck is watching Rick Nash, it’s time to break into all the posting material we save for summer.

 

Everything is Awesome

- Posted in Off-Season Projects, Pants Loves

Hi strangers!  Sorry we’ve been a invisible lately, but the holiday weekend brought sunshine and beer even if it couldn’t bring our hockey teams back to the playoffs.  In fact, I’m not watching much hockey these days.  If your team is still in, I envy you.  If your team is out but you’re still watching anyway, I applaud you.  From my paddleboard in the middle of the bay.

Since it would appear summer has really arrived, it’s time to find other things to write about.  First up is the best thing currently happening on the internet:

LEGO John Tavares (legojohntavares.tumblr.com)

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Oh yes.  An entire Tumblr of mini-fig Captain John doing hilarious and random activities, like getting a dog, building a sandcastle and, of course, celebrating Easter by destroying a NY Rangers egg.

lego3

Please consider three important things:

1) Someone made this.

2) That someone was not me.

3) No one told me about it.

Me finding this Tumblr was like Harry Potter finding out magic is real and other people can do it too.  This is my person.

lego1

This idea is especially perfect if you’ve seen The LEGO Movie, because you know JT91 is about following the instructions and being a team player and he undoubtedly gets ready like this every morning:

emmitt

The John Tavares Tumblr tag is basically blank.  I know he’s been out ages but come on, people!  We’re never going to get Johnny T summertime suntan boatselfies if you don’t… okay, we’re never getting those anyway.  Still the off-season doesn’t mean you can just forget about people.

lego2

To the mind behind LEGO John Tavares, we salute you.  We understand you.  In fact, we invite you over for a barbecue and if you want to stay and be best friends forever, well that’s okay too.  The rest of you, remember:

john

We still can’t center things.  Blogworld problems.

 

One Away

- Posted in Newsies, Playoffs

It’s days – or Conference Finals – like this when I wish the Blackhawks were my favorite team.  Wouldn’t that be fun?

joey

Winning makes me cuter.

I like the Hawks a lot, and they bailed me out of some frustrated west coast years when I couldn’t watch Eastern Conference teams.  But it’s not the same, cheering for someone you like when someone you love is out of the running.

poppins

Glorious, I’m sure.

That said, I do enjoy watching hockey when it isn’t trying to kill me.  Yesterday I took three (3!) separate cat naps during the Hawks/Kings game and I still didn’t miss a single goal.  This may be my superpower.  Or my dream life, where I am a princess who gets to watch hockey all day without performing peasant tasks like standing up or walking around.  That’s so basic.

Perhaps I could get a butler – anyone know a few unemployed guys?

stars

Could you repeat the job description?

[Insert creeper photo of Crosby sleeping on a plane yesterday that I can’t bring myself to post, but I certainly will point at –> HERE.  I hope he made it to Nova Scotia in time to see @alisonsykora.  Also note, I was not the only one sleeping during the game.]

The Blackhawks won 3-1.  Jonathan Toews is a marvel of modern leadership and ability.  I get so in awe of him that I picture Crosby climbing the telephone pole outside to cut my cable wires.  After his nap.

 

Hossa and Saad each had two points.  It certainly wasn’t a one-sided game though: the Kings outshot the Hawks and 6 of their 26 came from Jeff Carter.  It’s shaping up to be a great series and better rematch of last year’s WCF, which Chicago took 4-1.  After all, this time they’re playing for pizza.

Full and funny Twitter exchange here.

Full funny Twitter exchange here.

Meanwhile, Saturday on the east coast, the Rangers beat the Habs 7-2.  Rick Nash finally scored (NYR goal #7, totally clutch).  The Rangers’ power play that went o-for-350 in the first two rounds (okay, 0-for-32-ish) had three PPG.  I don’t know how this happened and I don’t care, but I hope it never happens again.  Chuck enjoyed herself though.  Game two is tomorrow night – I will try to stay awake.

NHL.com has 236 photos of this game.  I’d rather watch 236 hours of the surgery channel.  Luckily in photo #1, this woman’s face:

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Put on your war paint.

In non-hockey related news, the Rangers and some of the Tampa Bay Lightning attended Martin St. Louis’ mother’s funeral yesterday [link].  Such a sad story, it’s heartening to see so much support from his friends and teammates.  Not the photogs though, the idea of paparazzi at a funeral is gross.

 

It’s Alright, It’s Okay.

- Posted in Off-Season Projects

The season is officially over for both of us.  We may have that summertime sadness, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be awesome.  As the writer Hal Borland said, “No winter lasts forever; no spring skips it’s turn.”

In fact, the off-season is what some people do best.  Maybe they’ve been hanging around, waiting for us to get here….

mike

Hi Mike.

For me, the last hurdle is today’s Penguins Break-Up Day.  Already the boys have shaved their beards.  Hell, Nisky, would it have killed you to cut your hair?  At least you’re t-shirt is A+, unlike Neal’s.  Yet you are both outperformed by 19-year old Casanova Olli Maata, who bought ice cream for a pack of girls.  Bravo.

Also this happened.  I cannot cite a source (presumably said person lasted just long enough to Tumblr, then fainted), but I could drink to this all night.

sidbar

With Borts. Make mine a double.

See?  I feel better already.  We’ll have to give Chuck a few more days.

 

This Is The End

- Posted in Newsies, Pants Loves, Playoffs

Allow me to pour my heart into a post in the very moment the Penguins have lost a Game 7.

pens1

Ugh.

For starters, I hate the Rangers with a passion that you can’t understand unless you’re in your 24th year of hating a team with a fire of a thousand suns.  1990 was the year I did two things: became a hockey fan and decided I hate the NYR.  I am from New York, mind, and while I also hate the Yankees I was, as a child, setting myself up for a lifetime of “Whaaaaaaaaat?” from family and friends.  I don’t even respond.  One look of disgust is all they get from me.  If you never chanted  “1940!”, it’s tough to comprehend.  (Some of you can maybe claim longer.)  The Rangers beat the Capitals what seems like every year – and now this.  This is a particular hell for me, just so you’re aware.  If you’ve hated anything as long as I’ve hated the Rangers that was not a vegetable your parents tried to feed you in puree form, I applaud your staying power.

pens1

UFA yaaaas.

When I was in 7th grade, I went on a family ski vacation to VT with my BFF – a Rangers fan. Turns out I had a stress fracture and my doctor said no skiing. The only thing to do for a week?  Sit in the lodge and read some awful Rangers biography. In 1996, my high school boyfriend, a Rangers fan, won a bet and made me wear a Rangers jersey for a day.  There’s a picture of miserable me in our yearbook.

ariel

How many times do we have to tell you?

Secondly, I hate repeating myself.  But this Game 7, in which then Pens outshot the Rangers 250 million to one, is the very reason you cannot have a Game 5 or 6 like the Penguins did.  Last year it sank them too.  There are games where you lose, and there are games where you get beaten, like tonight.  Lundqvist goes ASDFGHJKL!@#$%^&&*()  and you cannot win.  Nothing you could have done, nothing you didn’t try.  That is why you don’t beat yourselves, particularly in the first ten minutes of an elimination game like Games 5 or 6.  This isn’t a genie in a bottle, Xtina.  This shit does not show up when you call it’s name, Pittsburgh.  You had your chances for two games: you were nowhere, you lost.  Tonight, you were HERE and you got beaten.  Those are different circumstances.  We’ve all had good nights and bad nights, we’ve all lost.  They are not the same.

pens1

36 shots. 1 goal.

My last and final point is this: I LOVE THIS TEAM.  Fuck everyone, I love the Penguins.  There is also a difference between hope and expectation.  I hope to win every year.  I don’t expect it.  Anyone who’s been around 24+ years (Old Lady Land) knows better.  Winning is… magic.  It’s impossible.  It’s so many factors times so many obstacles divided by so many things that could never have happened, expect for that time that they did and it was in your favor.

"It's a self-preservation thing."

“It’s a self-preservation thing.”

Winning is ephemeral and impossible and that, more than any blood, sweat and tears, is what makes winning special.  I felt it in ’09 when the Pens won the first round.  I felt it in ’10 when the Blackhawks won the second round.  I am not always right – far from it – but ask people who watched the Kings in 2012.  MAGIC.  They had it.  Watching that was intoxicating and addictive.  It’s what I look for now.  I want to see it every year.  But I don’t.  Contrary to all the evidence, I do not actually control the universe.  James Neal will remove his Gingerbeard and retire to a summer of white Ferrari cruises and tight t-shirts.  Sidney Crosby will shave off his first-ever respectable beard-type-thing and recluse for an off-season of pretending no one saw his girlfriend in the stands in Sochi or NY.  Bless their hearts, as they prepare to come back in October and do it again.  So will I.

Next year

Next year

I don’t believe in burning a team because they lost.  I have always been puzzled by the tradition of firing a coach, since they are the only person who cannot go out and score. This is not to say I don’t identify strengths and weaknesses in the Penguins’ system – or any team.  I do.  I critique.  But blind criticism is another thing and beware, Pens fans who were derided in a late-season article that called us “joyless.”  We are in danger of becoming that.  Entitled, expectant, the celebutantes of hockey.  The Yankees fans of hockey.  The only thing I hate more than the Rangers is the Yankees… it is a complicated life for this Upstate New Yorker.

b23

Love, hate, it’s a fine line.

Luckily, there are a lot of Pens hockey fans (look at me, being generous in depair) who know what hockey is: love and loss and loving through loss.  So many of the people who read and comment or Tweet us restore my faith in hockey humanity on a daily basis.  You guys are the best.  Whether it’s a stupid joke about a turtle or a comment, that some find derisive but I find clever, about someone’s sass or face or post-game comment, you guys give me everything I need to stay with hockey year after year.  Teams lose.  I get disappointed.  I get angry even, and I want change.  I want wingers and no injuries and confident goalies and to clean up acts.  But more than anything, more than winning, I want you guys – my friends – to be part of this every year.  I want to be talking to you in May, or June, or even ending in April. Saying goodbye or saying “great job.”  You’re it, for me.

hogwarts

Hockey fans

Writing this blog is my favorite thing.  My daily (if I can make it that often) highlight.  It’s also a lot of freaking work.  My job… well, if they ever put in one of those internet time trackers, we are sunk, WUYS fans.  I wish every one of you could start your own blog and I would read it, comment and rejoice in the free time it leaves me.  But I write this because I love it and I love you guys – even the Rangers fans.  Yes you.  Teams aside, we are each other’s people.  You know what it’s like to be called “that girl/guy who loves hockey.”  My husband is a chef, and someone at his restaurant the other night told him, “You look like this hockey player, this guy Sidney Crosby.”  My husband said, “Yeah, so my wife says.”  But me?  I said, “Who is this person and do they want to be my best friend for life?!”  I almost chased a girl with Carolina Hurricanes license plate frames out of the parking garage at work yelling, “Here’s my number!!!”  So for those of you I’ve had the pleasure to meet in real life and those of you I have yet to meet, you’re the reason.  I want to win for you as much as for myself, and while I hate your teams, I know you love them.  I feel you. Thanks for being here with us through all of this and next year, well… I still hope the Pens kick your pansy asses.  But I know you’re thinking, “Right back atcha.”  Don’t let the haters get you down.  Don’t listen when the media (which someone once called us and I laughed till I cried) pretend they know better than you.

amy p

Suck it., 24 hour news cycle and Twitter.

My text messages are blowing up – think I’ll drop my phone in the bathtub.  See you in September.  Or when Southern Ontario gets to Instagramming this summer.

Love (and maybe a little wine), Pants

pens1

Signed. Me

PS: Let the record show I wrote this from a suite at the Ritz, for work, and near bottom of a bottle.  Thus my sympathies are such as they might not be otherwise.  Both for myself and for others (see: Rangers fans).  But hey, that’s hockey.  Time for a summer vacation for myself, I think.

pens

#IsItOctoberYet

Sevens

- Posted in Uncategorized

Unusual is the day Chuck & I can be equally depicted by a single .gif:

hermione

Ginger Defense League

GAME SEVENS FOR ALL OUR TEAMS!  We’re supposed to love it, right?  This is what sports are all about?

amyadams

Classy ladies

YES. PUNCHING.  I will see you guys tonight.  For additional inspiration, enjoy this video – and Sid’s beard, which I really do love this year.

 

I’ll be over here practicing for later.

river

 

Be Cool

- Posted in Newsies, Playoffs

Penguins love me back, lead series vs. Rangers 3-1

It was another good night at Camp Pants, but let’s not get too excited yet.  I mean, in-game it’s fine to look like this picture I found by searching “Gibbons gif:”

gibbons

Thanks, internet.

It’s exactly what Penguins’ fans looked like after the gif I really wanted:

gibbons2

Thanks, as always, @myregularface.

He meant to do that, right?  The fantastic Brian “Cookie Van” Gibbons, who almost wrote his own short joke by scoring shorthanded?  Instead he served it up for BSutts and maximum @alisonsykora reaction.

I celebrated with half a pizza and some chicken wings, because I am American.

pizza

Single serving

The Pens had the upper hand all night long, increasing their hold as the game wore on and avoiding the too-common whirlpools of stupidity that have allowed opponents back into so many games.  There was quite a lot of doom-speaking from the commentators about the NYR… “lowest point of the year” and so on.  They said it, not I.  I learn too many superstitious lessons during playoffs, only to forget them all summer long.

trib

The one time James Neal’s face isn’t my favorite face.

The Rangers were held to 15 shots all game.  Four of those came from Rick Nash, who is pushing so hard he’s going to end up in the zamboni tunnel one of these shifts.  That Mats Zuccarello is is quite good, I will begrudgingly admit.

penguins

This is my happy face.

Who else is in beastmode?  Malkin-Crosby-Kunitz.  They combined for nine shots, five points and Sid won 67% of his faceoffs.  I do so love Malkin/Crosby together – when they are clicking it’s great fun to watch.   Back in Pittsburgh Friday night it’ll be even more possible to keep them on-ice when Girardi and McDonaugh are off.

geno

Fashion baby.

We still need one more win, of course.  Let’s not call something over until there is no more pizza to eat.

It was almost a luxury to have only one game last night, because how else am I supposed to catch up on Game of Thrones?  Back to the grind tomorrow, as the Bruins try to even their series with Montreal and the Kings look to win a 7th straight and go up 3-0 on Anaheim.  Anyone think the Ducks are getting back in it?

Side note: Sansa, you are an insufferable wet rag.  More Arya, please.

Buck up, it's playoffs!

Sansa would never make it through playoffs.

21 Days

- Posted in Uncategorized

It’s hard to believe three weeks of playoffs are in the books!  In some ways, I appreciate being down to just a few games per night.  Some nights I can even play hooky from watching.  That means catching up with NHL Network though, and there’s nothing worse than hour after hour of only 2 games to talk about.

flynn

When I fall asleep while Roenick or Milbury is on TV.

Canadiens take series lead over Bruins 2-1

I watched the first period of this game – long enough to see PK Subban get a minor for “roughing” Rielly Smith.  It should have been 1 minute for roughing Smith + 1 minute for roughing Thomas Vanek.  Or 2 minutes for missing.

pk

So many butt-related jokes.

Then he scored on a breakaway coming out of the penalty box.  So perhaps he meant to miss his check, get the minor and end up in the right place at the right time?  Sounds legit.

The Bruins came roaring back, as they are wont to do, but it was too late.  3-2 until the last moment when Lars Eller made it 4-2.  My favorite stat about this game is Shawn Thornton had five hits in 7:42 of ice time.

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Unrelated photo of Bergy to make Chuck feel better.

Wild score 4G on 8 shots in the third; trail Blackhawks in series 2-1

Someone who watched this game should write the recap because it sounds bonkers.  Chicago had just 19 shots in the game, Minnesota only 18.  That’s not unusual for the Wild, who ranked 29th in shots-for during the regular season.  (“Shots for” = favorite hockey stat name.)  But last night, eight of the Wild’s shots came in the 3rd and they scored four goals.  On eight shots.  One was an EN, but still!  They had 32 shots/2G in Game 1 and 19 shots/1G in Game 2.  This breakout had to feel great and restore serious confidence.

NHL: Stanley Cup Playoffs-Chicago Blackhawks at Minnesota Wild

We share in your surprise.

Or not, because it’s the Blachawks.

Unrelated Kaner smile no one can resist.

Unrelated Kaner smile no one can resist.

Penguins/Rangers Game 4 is the only show tonight.  You can find me on the floor in front of my TV with plenty of chicken mushroom farro risotto, watching the beards.

pens

Goals make your beards grow faster.

Night Moves

- Posted in Newsies, Playoffs

I had a good night.  Did you guys have a good night?

nyr

Rick Nash’s “no” face.

Fleury throws another shutout, Pens lead Rangers 2-1

MAF had his second shutout in as many days, standing on his head at times to keep the NYR off the board in Game 3.  Not bad for a goalie who has playoff confidence problems, right?

flower

Prancercize

In case you tuned in late to the game and heard 47:26 of dead air, that’s because CROSBY SCORED (!!!!)  in the first period and the commentators had nothing else to talk about.

Talking.  Who needs talking when you have… goals.  I was going to say goals.

sid2 (2)

High score

Sid’s goal was set up by a long, beautiful pass from Robert Bortuzzo.  This advertisement paid for by @alisonsykora.

borts

Hoodie by lululemon

The Rangers have played a ton of hockey in the past two weeks, so today gap gives them much needed rest.  Personally, I hope there is construction in all of their luxury condo buildings until Game 4 on Wednesday night.  I made a lot of this delicious chicken mushroom farro risotto, if you want to come over.

Here’s Sid post-game on PensTV, and post-game with Pierre leaning in on NBC Sports.  Can’t blame the guy, honestly.

crosby

This hair. I love playoffs.

Kings win again, go up 2-0 over Ducks

So far this series can be summed up with one headline from LATimes.com:

gaborik2

Understated elegance

Marian Gaborik scored 34 seconds into last night’s game.  The NBC announcers were barely in their seats before the puck was in the net.  After his last-minute tying goal in Game 1, then the OT winner, Gaborik sure is “fitting in” – so well I bet he got randomly drug tested during first intermission (probably by someone from the Blue Jackets).  He is on fire, and so are the Kings.  This is their sixth straight win.  Jonathan Quick is playing like he did in their Cup run.  Hell, they had Jeff Schultz on D last night and they still won!

gaborik

Marian Gaborik vs. The World

Down 2-0 in a series is not really “must win.”  If anyone proved that, it was the Kings in R1.  But the Ducks are reeling.  History may be destined to repeat itself but if Anaheim doesn’t win in GM3, I don’t think another legendary 0-3 comeback is happening so soon.

kings ducks

Look out behind you.

Tonight it’s Bruins vs. Habs in the battle for a 2-1 series lead, followed by the Hawks quest to go up 3-0 over the Wild.  Are you surviving?  How is anyone getting any sleep?  Who washed my Toews shirt on hot so it shrank into a size only James Neal would wear?  I think I need a break.  Even Pierre is off tonight – 20 games in 20 nights?  Big deal.  We’ve watched at least 40.

Happy Monday

- Posted in Newsies, Playoffs

Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone!  I got to wear shorts and a tank top this weekend AND the Penguins won last night, so I don’t even hate Mondays.  It’s Day 20 of the playoffs, and if you spent the past few days enjoying the sun, here’s what was happening on TV:

Penguins and Rangers series tied 1-1

The Pens had a shaky first period Friday night and got themselves down 2-0 like they think every game needs to be crazy a la Round 1.  No thank you – because it doesn’t always work.  The Rangers won in OT.  Just as well I was on a Twitter ban and only talking to Alison.

Brad Richards scored on his birthday. I hope his ice cream cake melted.

Sad Brad scored on his birthday. I hope his ice cream cake melted.

Last night, I was at a dinner and trying not to check the score.  Go home and watch the whole game, right?  Ha!  Zero will power.  I did pass my phone around the table for independent verification of the score, then had more celebratory sangria.  I watched the game afterward – fast-forwarding through Pens’ penalties, which was pretty much the entire first period.  Nisky for roughing – in hindsight, I can love that.

pens2

Incoming Geno hug

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Still no goals for Crosby or Nash.  (See what I did there? I almost hope you don’t, it’s so bad.)  At this rate, they’ll find that missing plane before one of these guys scores.

Want to see my Art Ross Trophy?

Want to see my Art Ross Trophy?

Blackhawks lead Wild in series 2-0

Friday night’s game was tied 2-2 until Patrick Kane decided it was time for this goal:

 

If this blog had audio, I’d whistle.  That’s so good it’s worth another goal, which Kaner scored 8+ minutes later to put the Hawks up 4-2 and shut the door (won 5-2 on an EN).  Sunday afternoon, playoff hero Bryan Bickell extended his point streak to five games with 1G and 2A.  Remember how many points he had last year?  17 (9G, 9A) in 23 games.  He’s got eight points in eight games so far this post-season.

hawks3

Must. Have. Points.

Patrick Sharp didn’t have any points in the game (he had 1A on Friday), but he wore these shorts and we think that counts for something.

hawks2

Somewhere Toews can’t find his shorts.

Bruins and Canadiens tied 1-1

After PK Subban’s double-OT winner last week, the Habs were up one game to none.

pk

BeardWatch

Remember Boston lost the first game of the last series too, then adjusted and won four straight.  They got back on that track with a come-from-behind 5-3 victory Saturday, which I watched from the elliptical runner at the gym.  I can go a lot of miles fueled by my dislike for Brad Marchand.  That said, four unanswered goals in the third period (one EN) made the B’s look more dominant that the scoreboard showed.

bruins2

“Ha, little man.”

Kings take first game, lead Ducks 1-0

I wish this series could be weekends-only, so I could stay up for every game.  It was worth the late night Saturday – I caught just the 3rd and OT – to see Marion Gaborik tie the game with seven seconds left.

 

God, that is SO exciting when it’s a) your team or b) you don’t care who wins!  Gaborik scored again in OT.  I still have the Ducks taking this series, but the Kings are going to make me look stupid every time I don’t pick them.

kings2

Five in a row, and counting.

Tonight the Penguins and Rangers are back at it, this time in NYC, and I will be glued to the TV and (trying to stay) signed out of Twitter.   Late night it’s Game 2 of Kings vs. Ducks.  It promises to be really exciting and also excellent for your productivity at work tomorrow.

puppy-falling-asleep-o

Must… watch… hockey…

 

Bring It On (Again)

- Posted in Newsies, Playoffs

Round 2 is upon us like prom season, and everyone finally has their dates.  How are you feeling?  Like the prettiest girl in the room?  Anyone afraid someone else might wear the same dress?  I’m nervous and we definitely need a chaperone.

We bid Round 1 farewell with this announcement: I am no longer 100% right. Thanks for nothing, Avs and Sharks!

bracket5

Current predictions score: Pants – 6 of 8, Chuck – 4 of 8

Rangers do one thing for me, beat Flyers in series: 4-3

When the Flyers are knocked out of the playoffs, regardless of year, other teams or life in general, I have a moment of bliss.

oprah

Bubbz always.

The Rangers came out strong in GM7, then got back on their heels while the Flyers surged late.  Sound like any other hockey teams I know?!  King Henrik was the difference maker yet again.  New York will get one day of rest and of my gratitude, then it’s back to work and hating them Friday night in Pittsburgh.

ny2

Admiring his own face on the Jumbotron.

In other breaking news: Rick Nash has no playoff goals. This is apparently the only Rangers storyline available so tell your friends. It will be broadcast continually on sister station Radio Crosby.

For the record, I do hate the Rangers more than the Flyers.

arrow

God, that is a thin line.

But I’d rather the Pens play the Rangers in R2. The Flyers bring out the Pens’ most infuriating problem – composure – while playing Pittsburgh seems to ignite Philly’s tenacity.  The Rangers are no easier opponent but at least it will (hopefully) be the Penguins playing, not Hurricane Neal and the Tantrums. Watch me hate this decision later.

consol

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

There’s only one reason for us to miss the Flyers in May.  Give it a moment, then move on.

giroux

Maybe he’ll grow a summer beard.

Wild take it to OT, take series from Avs: 4-3

Game 7 overtime?  Someone hold my hair back.  The Wild got there with a goal at the 17:33 mark of the third, and it only took 5 minutes of OT to put the Avs away.   Nino Niederreiter, who sounds like an imaginary friend at a tea party, had two goals including the OT winner.  Listen to the clang off the backbar.

 

Yowza.  This is the first time the Wild have gotten past R1 in 10 years.  The Wild have this headline and I confess I laughed (just once):

nino

I hear a rimshot.

We’ll miss the Avs kids who were having a blast out there, but MacKinnon, Gabe and the boys have many years of playoff hockey ahead of them.  Gabe’s beard though… bummer.

gabe

Sad first, then shower and selfie.

Kings win 4 in a row, collapse Sharks series: 4-3

Sharks gonna shark.  There are so many bad jokes – Sharks get bitten! – but the worst of all is San Jose’s record of playoff choking.  That said, we should have all picked the Kings because they know how to win 4 in a row (and then some) in pursuit of post-season glory.  Plus their bandwagon fans are famous and sparkly, and the NHL could use a few entertainment column inches.

kings

So long and thanks for all the fish.

You should hug Sharks fans today – that was eviscerating. Sweep? Sucks. Reverse sweep?

panda2

Come back with carbs.

Round 2 starts tonight, with the Bruins and Canadiens (and Chuck) asking everyone else what took so long.  Typical dates, we’re never ready when they come to pick us up!  This series is going to be like the holidays with family – everyone knows each other, hates each other and every old crime comes out in a stress-spolsion.

Save us a good seat, okay?

Elevator to Chuck's party.

Elevator to Chuck’s party.

Tyler Tuesday: And So It Begins…

- Posted in Bromance, Chuck Loves, Hot Like Fire, Instagramtastic, Off-Season Projects, Tyler Tuesday, Well OBVIOUSLY.

The Dallas Stars’ season is over but weep not, interweb friends!

You know what that means?

More of this!

Seguin, Tyler - cabo beach

And this!

And hopefully much MUCH more of this!

#SquatsSoHard

#HatTip to Tyler and Co. for even making the playoffs and for holding their own against the Ducks. I’m sure that Seguin would rather still be playing hockey, but I think that he’s gonna just fine.

Also fine (both literally and figuratively) – Jamie Benn.  Seguin’s life partner will no doubt be spending his summer making Pants I and fall more in love with him.

dallas

Bless your heart, Instagram.

We are girding our loins in preparation for what Mr. Seguin and social media holds for us this summer.

This is actual quote.

Judging by the photos above, I think we’re off to a great start.

Birthday Boy: Jonathan Toews

- Posted in Birthday Boy

If I had Photoshop at work, I’d make a picture of Jonathan Toews wearing a pair of Olympic gold medals and a pair of bootyshorts, standing atop two Stanley Cups, a Conn Smythe trophy, the city of Chicago and your boyfriend’s hopes and dreams of ever being good enough.  Since I don’t, this ought to give you the idea.

t ski

Better than a wind machine.

Or maybe his selection to Rant Sports’ 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat.  Jon is listed at #1.

2014 NHL Stadium Series - Pittsburgh Penguins v Chicago Blackhawks

Truth in advertising.

Happy 26th birthday, Jonathan Toews.

toews-lean

Right down the fairway.

We didn’t get to talk a lot about the Blackhawks this season, consumed as we were with life in the East.  If I could freeze time to watch hockey, I’d never miss a Toews game.  Chicago didn’t replicate last year’s season-start winning streak, they didn’t win the conference or even their division.  But they did just win four in a row to put down the Blues and advance to Round 2 like they owned the place. And after two Cups in four years, maybe they do.

t cup

Toews knows how to party.

I could talk forever about Tazer.  Suffice to say I wish he played for my team, or barring that I wish I got to watch him more often.  If I had kids – boys or girls, fans or players – Toews is who I would tell them to watch. Nowadays, they might even learn to have a little fun.

Past JT19 birthday celebrations: 2011; 2012; 2013 As the Blackhawks await the winner of the Wild/Avalanche series, we hope Jon puts these days off to good use.  Rest that beat-up arm, do some squats, have some cake.  We’ll see you soon.

serious

They look so grown up.

Hard Out Here

- Posted in Newsies, Pants Loves, Playoffs

Well, that was a night.

merida

Penguins take years off my life, defeat Blue Jackets in series: 4-2

What are we supposed to do?  NOT hope for leads because they get snatched away? NEVER want a power play for fear of giving up a shorty?  I don’t know which end is up except the Penguins won so hallelujah.  Columbus played their pants off and boy, were they having fun right up till that final buzzer sounded.

Can we still come to your All-Star Game?

Can we still come to your All-Star Game?

I will say nice things about them in the off-season.  You guys can say them now. They’ll all be true and I won’t read them because I am busy going to Round 2.  The Pens found some dominance in Games 5 and 6 – even if they didn’t hold it for 60 minutes, it felt good to know it’s still there.

I AM SCORE THREE TIMES.

I AM SCORE THREE TIMES.

Besides CBJ, the off-season isn’t so bad.  Ask the Stars:

Is there an Instagram filter called “Leg Hair” used on Seguin?  Also, is it weird the thing I’m most envious about in these photos are that it’s warm enough to wear shorts?  This winter has ruined me.  I digress.

Back to business: In case you missed it, Sidney Crosby has no goals. Maybe you didn’t hear last night’s commentators repeating it like a rosary or you failed to see the hilltop bonfires lit to spread the news from town to town.  It’s like the scene in 101 Dalmatians where every dog in London barks at the same time.

sparrow

Yes, Captain.

The only real question is: how many goal-less playoff games until Superstitious Sid tosses the yellow Crocs?  (Answer: Never. They are hideously fun, so be glad for them. He could have gotten black ones.)

pens

Silly, his black Crocs are for formal occasions only.

Brooks Orpik, it takes a man to stand front and center in pink-on-pink businesswear. Or, since it’s probably designer, salmon-on-salmon.  Elle Woods Approved.  Taylor Pyatt’s back there looking perfectly pastel acceptable in lavender and it’s no mistake Megna’s standing up front in that outfit. Just a mistake to stand next to Borts, the handsomest Penguin you’ve never heard of.

Only one beautifully bracketed addition today.  Everybody else is headed for a one-game cage match.  We’re going to need beer and bandages.

bracket

Day 14

Wild: 5; Avalanche: 2 [Series tied 3-3]

The Wild and Avalanche (two of the three NHL teams whose names are not plural) were locked at 2 goals a piece for nearly 30 breathless minutes.  Finally, with his second goal of the night and powered by chocolate milk, Zach Parise scored the goal Minnesota paid him $98 million over 13 years to score.  Well not the only goal, but you’ve got to get the first one first.  Add in two Wild ENs because Patrick Roy loves to pull goalies early and Minny forces this series back to Denver for Game 7.  My money is still on the Avs, but it’s not $98 million worth.

 

Kings: 4; Sharks: 1 [Series tied 3-3]

Three in a row – done. Why not four? The Kings scored three goals in 2:46 to break this game open and fuel what could be an historic comeback in playoff hockey.

 

Only three NHL teams have ever pulled off a four-straight resurrection [great stats on 0-3 comebacks].  Usually fans of the trailing team start fantasizing about this at the end of Game 3.  The last time I was still talking about it after Game 6?  Red Sox/Yankees, 2004 ALCS.  Chuck and I know it can be done.  The Kings clearly do too.  But the Sharks?  They’ll need to reset their heads and play like they were, not like they are.

Ask for Thursday off now, Wednesday is going to be a late one.

kings

Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it.

Tonight now means more to me than ever.

Rangers at Flyers – Game 6.  You know what I’m going to do? Root for the Rangers.  Though I’d be fine with PHI taking this to seven and then losing, it’s a little too close.  I would rather Pens/NYR in Round 2. Pittsburgh showed composure in R1 through plenty of tough situations, so I have faith they can hold it.  Just something about the Flyers brings out the worst in me them… but GAH I kind of want to play the Flyers, I ADMIT IT!  BLOOD AND FIRE!

ronb

Someone should check on me later.

Weekend Update

- Posted in Chuck Loves, Newsies, Playoffs

I didn’t get to watch much hockey after Friday night, but the playoffs wait for no DVR.  In case anyone else (mostly) missed the weekend festivities…

The networks have all kinds of on-hiatus hockey players pitching in as commentators during these playoffs.  Let us make the offer official: Alex Pietrangelo, you and your currently unemployed hair are welcome here anytime.

Mike Green hair substitute, you'll be missed.

This look will be missed.

I think we could even use a pool man now that the Stars are available.  We don’t have a pool, but…

Leave Hartnell and the socks at home.

Leave Hartnell and the socks at home.

Ducks eliminate Stars: 3-2

This one hurt.  We were all falling a little in love with Dallas, or at least their Twitter account.  Let’s hope that doesn’t get a summer vacation.

tweet

Like so many game in this post-season, the Stars had this one and they blew it.  The Ducks scored two goals in the last 2:10 to tie the game, then won it shortly into overtime.  It’s all summed by this beard and the scoreboard which I’ve helpfully left visible for anyone who likes to wallow in misery.

beard2

99% beard, 1% brows

It’s hard for me to understand the rage Corey Perry causes people without watching him in a long series against a single team.  Now I really get why he’s good at it and why other fans hate him.  Round 2 will be an in-state series vs. the Kings or Sharks.

ducks

We’ll never be far from an In-N-Out Burger!

Blackhawks eliminate Blues: 4-2

Sorry Blues.  (I’m not, not at all.)  After being up 2-0 in the series, they dropped four in a row to the defending Champs and are on their way to summer.  Here’s what you need to know about Chicago going into Round 2.  Patrick Kane can score in OT [video].  Jonathan Toews can score in OT on a breakaway:

gif by @cjzero

gif by @cjzero

And Patrick Sharp can score on a breakaway while someone puts their stick blade in his perfect face:

Bruins eliminate Red Wings: 4-1

Oh happy Chuck.  How nice it must be to root for a team withs so few weaknesses and also the ability to fix them.  In Game 1, the Bruins played with all the speed of Red Sox’s David Ortiz.  (Non-baseball fans, this is sarcasm.  The man cannot run.)  Starting in Game 2, they went faster… and it worked.  They will face the Canadiens for the 257th time in NHL playoff history.  Everyone hates each other, prepare to die.

bergy

Video: Bergy has some sleepy-voiced things to say.

Thus the bracket has been bracketed three more times.  For the record, so far I’ve been right 100% of the time.  Chuck is currently at 75% since she didn’t pick the Canadiens.  She would never pick those jerks.

bracket

For those of us with teams still battling to the pain:

Rangers lead Flyers: 3-2

The Flyers figured how to win once at MSG and they’ll need to do it again to survive this series.  But first, they have to win Tuesday night at home.  They held the NYR to only 22 shots Sunday, but the Rangers capitalized on what few chances their persistence and speed (and Flyer mistakes) could generate.

While I want both teams gone, is there anyway they could just leave the beard?

Sunday post-game interview

Sunday post-game interview: Gingertime Sadness

Penguins take series lead over Blue Jackets: 3-2

I ditched a bachelorette party mid-bar crawl to catch the end of this.  Of course I refused to leave even after Letang’s EN goal just in case.  Kunitz had 1G, 1A plus 7 SOG and 6 hits.  Throw that body around, Sock Monkey!  Fleury bounced back (See? SEEEEEE???) stopping 23 of 24, while the Pengins had a whopping 50 shots.  Game 6 Monday night, I’ll be on the floor of my living room in a fort made of pizza boxes.

flower

Dog days are over?

Kings stay alive again, still trail Sharks: 3-2

Well what do you know, the Kings have staved off elimination twice now.  The first four games of the series averaged 7.75 goals per game.  Jonathan Quick gave up 16G in that stretch, but found his mojo Saturday and the Kings won 3-0 in an orderly fashion.  Can they do it again Monday night or will the Kings leave LA’s perpetual summer for regular old summer somewhere else?

Pelvic thrust.

Pelvic thrust.

Avalanche take lead over Wild, Errrrrrybody Mad: 3-2

Remember me raging about the disallowed Tampa Bay goal back a ways?  Well the Wild had plenty to say about this oh-so-close, offsides-or-on moment with less than 1:30 to go in Game 5.  There was no call on the play, so of course the Avs scored and forced overtime.

Image by @johncanref

Image by @johncanref

Offside say the Wild media | Inconclusive say the Avs media

If the Wild had won, we wouldn’t still be talking about this.  Too bad the Avs have TriWizard Tournament hopeful Nathan MacKinnon with his 2nd goal (and League-leading 10th point) of the playoffs.

 

Monday night Colorado will have the chance to reach Round 2 for the first time in 6 years.  Guess who else they’ll very likely have?

Colorado Avalanche v Phoenix Coyotes

Hey girl.

Duchene’s go/no-go will be announced after the morning skate.  We say go.

What this all means is that three more bracket spots could be locked Monday night, or any of three series could need a Game 7.  I could need blood pressure medication.  Just another day in the playoffs.  Stay ready.

eve