America. Heck Yeah.

Or something like that.

Allow me to share my unpopular American opinion: I am pro-Canada when it comes to Olympic men’s hockey.  I don’t care if the NSA turns their cell phone recorders on me, but my heart goes with my favorite players on their biggest stage.  We Americans win a lot in every Olympics.  This one time I am okay with sharing.

us canada

That said, I’d like to see the US win silver every time or gold if Canada’s out.  I am excited to see which Americans will represent our country in Russia – it makes me want to watch 80’s action movies (or Miracle).  The Team USA roster was announced yesterday after the longest Winter Classic in the history of long things.  Chuck and I, miles apart and minutes from starvation, implored them to hurry.  Then they trotted out the kids in the jerseys and we were stuck.  Kids, they get us every time!


I can’t find video yet, but one kid almost fell.  You knew that was coming.  Then one kid was a girl and  I wasn’t expecting that.

Here’s the roster (alphabetically, not as line predictions):


Plus the worst-kept secret in hockey this week, the USA goalies:


NHL Network Analysis of the roster with bonus cold-weather fashion “do’s” featuring Kathryn Tappen.


My thoughts:

NOBOBBYRYANBOOOOO.  Cats of Instagram are wailing pitifully in alleys across America tonight.  No more jokes about finishing second, or at all.


Any combination of Parise-Kesler-Kane will henceforth be known as the SAS(S) Line, for Smile-Abs-Smile.

sass line

All-Pens defense pairings give me the squees.  And I think they know the coach.

NHL: Carolina Hurricanes at Pittsburgh Penguins

Of course we have to give it up for Shattenkirk on D, pride of Boston University.


Finally, someone please explain Phil Kessel to me.  I am going to start nominating him for makeover reality TV shows – the sure way to get Americans interested in something, it could be a blistering marketing idea for Team USA. We already have  “before” photo:

USA Hockey 2014 Olympic Portraits

AMERICA.  For shame!  Why would you release this photo?  For something that looked worse than your jerseys?  You need a publicist.  I will work for tax breaks, Columbus Day off and your continued overlooking of my crush on Canada.


Phil seems like a really nice, shy guy – he overcame cancer for heaven’s sake!  He should be able to overcome these image issues.  In October he bought a suite, brought 24 child cancer patients to the game and SCORED THEM A HAT TRICK.  Take that, walkathons!  I am convinced that hiding behind this terrible haircut and penchant for wearing the same colorless suit to everything is a guy we could Foxy Friday.  There are 34 days until Sochi.  Let me at him and I’ll bring you the next American Express Olympics tear-jerker commercial icon.


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  1. Farah Reply

    I’m so glad you said that about team Canada. I feel the same way, although Parise’s smile might sway me otherwise.

  2. Oh Phil. Phil. Phil. Phil. If only we had a couple of hours in Nordstrom and your Amex card. The wonders that we could work….

    I was secretly hoping that Torey Krug would make the team, but I knew it was a long shot. See ya in 2018, buddy.

    • Ditto Brandon Saad!

      • The long shot thing not the make over thing. But I guess anyone who isn’t Lundqvist could use some sprucing.

  3. When you’re ready for the Phil Kessel talk, you know where to find me. I’ll tell you everything you need to know.

    I’ll even start with leaving this adorable video of Phil and Dion chirping each other over musical preferences and cookies here:

  4. Pants, I am appalled. I am not a flag-waver or someone who chants “USA! USA!” but I am Team USA hockey all the way. I’m sick of Canada’s winning and I love the grit and heart of the US team, although I’m super pissed about some of the omissions – Ryan & Yandle especially, but also Saad, Galchenyuk, Bishop and maybe even Kreider.

    Yes, some of my favorite players play for other countries and I unabashedly love “Oh Canada” and always sing along, but this is one instance where my heart bleeds red, white & blue. McDonagh & Stepan are so patriotic they don’t even skate away after the anthems until the flags have left the ice – how can you not love that? And David Backes FLIES PLANES TO SAVE ABUSED PUPPIES. How can you not want a man like that to win a gold medal?

    I’m with you on Kessel maybe not being the right person to be the face of Team USA, but if you need a cheerleader to pump up the crowd for our boys, I will raise my hand with red, white & blue painted nails.

  5. I, too, love Team Canada (as much or slightly more than the USA)….though that may be because I haven’t yet been disappointed by roster snubs. We’ll see how that balances out on the 7th.

    While I am very happy with some of the decisions made for team USA, I cannot get past the whole Bobby Ryan thing. Behind Kessel, he has the most points for an American. It’s just absurd.

    It still baffles me how Amanda Kessel is related to Phil and Blake (who could almost be twins….shudder). She won the gene pool lotto there!