My dad asked me yesterday: If you win this $500 million Powerball jackpot, could you end the NHL lockout?
WHEN I WIN, you mean? Well, not with money left over for daily foot massages and a new Nealmobile. Instead I’d start my own hockey league (small, I don’t need a lot of teams) and fill it with all this top talent hanging around backyard rinks and acting bored on Twitter. My All-Star Game skills competition would include Strip Shootout and Bachelor Auction contests.
We’d give out a Cuisinart Griddler as the championship trophy and the winning team would make me paninis all summer long.
Duh, Dad.
When I win, I’ll take the annual payments which will total $331.25 million after 30 years (in Maryland). The immediate cash payout would be $216 million. Right, like I’d give away $115+ million because I’m in a hurry to get more money than I could ever spend. Or could I? My dad’s point is that $216 million walking out the door could buy…
From Forbes NHL Team Valuations
According to sources like CBC’s Elliotte Friedman (cited by Puck Daddy, of course), teams whose owners are “hardliners” likely in support of the current lockout probably include Anaheim, Columbus, Florida, the Islanders, Phoenix, St. Louis, Washington and Dallas.
Let’s look at that again:
With $216 million, I could still only buy one NHL team. It wouldn’t be enough to turn the tables. Plus, if I use NHL math (or buy a team like Phoenix, sorry), I might as well be throwing my money out the window because everyone’s going broke. They’re opening their Gringott’s vaults to find them empty. They’re sleeping head-to-toe like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory just to keep warm.
If I had a guaranteed $331 million coming, that’s some serious collateral. Even if I only leveraged it dollar-for-dollar, someone would lend me the total. Now I’m looking at:
My picture would be prettier, but I’d still only have one team. Even if that team was the Penguins and I had all their pockets custom-made to be really tiny.
I’ve used this photo before, and I’ll use it again. DAMN.
It would grant more power to instead buy two highlighted teams from the first list. Bettman only needs 8 of the 30 owners to back him and he can veto any deal presented by the NHLPA. If you owned two of the theoretically dissenting eight teams, you could knock that total down to six and maybe get this show on the road.
Hint: Don’t buy the Coyotes.
I love you, Kohl’s! More sports & teams banks here.
WUYS Financial suggests the St. Louis Blues – they can win, as they showed last season. Their middle American market supports other major sports franchises but wouldn’t force them to compete with an NBA team. Then buy the Islanders, maybe. The Tavares line makes us weep goal-scoring tears, and Brooklyn in 2015 could really reinvigorate them. Play well and market right, NYC loves a good cross-borough rivalry. Hipster glasses and skinny jeans required for post-game interviews.
Looks like Will Ferrel in Semi-Pro to me.
The moral of the story is that I wouldn’t do it, even if I could. But I’d still share with you guys. We’d throw a big Vegas hockey tournament and you could each coach your fantasy hockey teams in real-life action! My entire fortune would probably just cover the bar tab.
Oddly, I posted to my FB page this morning that I love day dreaming about what I’d do if I won this kind if money–keeping in mind I don’t play. One of my friends asked, “I assume you’ll be buying a particular Swiss team.”
My friends know me too well.
Or I post a lot about Tyler Seguin.
Either way, I told her I wouldn’t buy the team but would definitely be taking a trip to Switzerland to see him play. I mean, I’ve always wanted to go there anyway. Now I have a great excuse.
Barring any restraining orders.