Foxy Friday: Jeff Carter

We’re trying to keep Foxy Fridays to players still in the playoffs, since summer is long and cruel.  The pickings are getting a little slim.  But imagine if, say, the Wild had made it this far?  Blank pages, people.

Chuck is busy at her real job today (borrrrring!), so I’m honoring her turn by choosing a player she and Dawn both like.  Me?  I’ll decide by the end of this post.  A rather indelicate but obvious choice: Jeff Carter.

Only kidding.

No, really.

A Jeff Carter post takes time because I can’t stop laughing.  Not at his hockey skill, showcased from time to time, but because life is so gloriously full of bad decision yet to be made.  For Carter,  you want to make those bad decisions and wake up in the bottom of a rowboat during Spring Break, painted blue and holding a twenty dollar bill (really happened to someone I know, now starting a rumor that Carter was involved).

These are my Hollywood jeans.

Carts is 27, born on New Year’s Day in 1985.  He played six seasons with the Flyers before being rather spectacularly dumped by Post-It Note (okay, not quite) after the ’10-’11 season.  Stories and photos of his extra-curricular activities were the all-but-confirmed reason he and life-partner Mike Richards were sent packing. (Holy hyphens.)

Google the pictures. Carter should do a public service announcement called “Don’t Let Your Boss See This on Facebook.”

Wait.  The stripper pole in your place, or the one in mine?

Foxy Friday Flashback: Mike Richards

Carter landed with the Blue Jackets like a bug “lands” on your windshield at high speed.  That lasted until February when he was sent to the LA Kings casting couch to be reunited with Richie.  If hockey were more popular, this would have been show on Bravo.

Which member of this bromance married up?

Jeff, who has one 40-goal and two 30-goal seasons, didn’t exactly blast onto the ice in LA, with 6 goals in 16 games.  But remember when the Kings were LAST in the NHL in offense this season?  Things have certainly changed for them, and maybe for Carts.  His hat-trick on Tuesday night was pretty sexy.

This is my grown-up face.

The thing with Carts is he makes $6+ million/year and has 10 years (!!!) left on his contract.  He’s been called overpaid more times that he’s been called a sloppy drunk.  The only way to battle that is to settle back into his 2008-2011 groove…  after the Kings win the whole thing this year (Chuck and Dawn applaud) and we’re all invited to the party.

On our next episode: “Guys! We’re going streaking!”

How do I feel after all this?  Eh.  While Carts is chasing the Cup and working on his impressive beard, you can enjoy him.  I’ll look at this picture and think 1) Danny Briere might as well be wearing a snowsuit and 2) I still like him better.

Except for this – this is fantastic.  And only on Canadian Sportscentre.

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  1. I am bandwaggoning the LA Kings SO HARD:

    1) They beat the Canucks (which would be enough of a reason right there).

    2) They are beating the Coyotes (which, again would be enough of a reason).

    3) They are the little underdog that could. Not just that, but they are playing like BOSSES.

    4) Mike Richards.

    and finally…

    5) Ohhhhhhhh Jeff Carted. I would. I so would. Then I would feel deep shame. And then I would again.

    • Dangit iPhone butter fingers…. Carted = Carter.

      • “Carted” is the adjective. As in: “I got so Carted last night, this morning I did the walk of shame on the 10 freeway.”

        • MouthGuard Reply

          I thought “Carted” was Freudian for “Farted”. Or “Queefed”?

          Can I say “queefed” on WUYS or is that too naughty? 😉

    • This is close to the best response to Foxy Friday in the history of Foxy Fridays! And I agree with all points made!! It would be a deep deep shame, but would never stop round 2. hahahaha Kudos on this response!

        • MouthGuard Reply

          I agree with all your bullets but I would also add a special asterisk’d bullet for our Coach Chicken Lady. Because he’s a chicken. And he bobs his head when he talks and behind the bench for no reason. And he flaps his arms/shoulders up and down for no reason and he contorts his tongue when he spots little bits of peanuts and stray sunflower seeds on the Staples floor… 😉 Bawk!

          THANK YOU for this Foxy Friday, btw. Long overdue. And I concur that he doesn’t float my boat but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a ton of fun to watch and laugh at. I’m happy Tha Lovahs are reunited at last. Sigh. Bravo’s missing out.

  2. Have you listened to Cabbie’s podcast with Jeff Carter (found on iTunes)? He seems like a pretty laid-back dude.

  3. I had the distinct privilege(?) of meeting Mr. Carter during his brief stint with the Blue Jackets. He was at one of my favorite college bars with the rest of the team. I, of course, flocked immediately to Rick Nash and asked for a picture. Jeff Carter offered to take it for me. I laughed and told him I wanted him to be in the picture, too. He looked at me, with a completely serious face, and responded, “Oh, I don’t play hockey.”

    To this day, I regret not saying, “Oh, I know. You stopped when you got traded to Columbus, you little baby.” Instead, I said, “Yes, you do. You’re Jeff Carter.” His teammates laughed. I could not make this up.

    …as much as I hate to admit it, he’s ridiculously good-looking.

    • Cool story, bro :). I would have loved to know his reaction to being told off, but I find it hard to give witty comebacks in real time myself.

    • SHUT UP, BRITTANY! Every one of your stories is better than the last!!

      I’m imagining Chuck running into Nash & Carter in a bar. Pool up your bail money, girls.

      • Things would happen. Just sayin’…

        And if either one of them was wearing a stratigically unbuttoned plaid shirt…I would not be responsible for my actions.

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