You remember in the 80’s when TV writers didn’t know how to end the big cliff hanger episode on Dallas or Moonlighting so they did the Ol’ have Maddy and Bruce get together – something you’ve been waiting for, like forevs, only to be sucker punched like Avery, to find out Maddy was having a bad case of od’ing on Midol and it was all a PMS dream? Well welcome to this week’s episode of BOTB!

It opened with Kurt teaching Ron how to figure skate … yes, you heard me. Talk about being a toe pick tease. Kurt even made a reference about Ron ‘coming out of the figure skating closet’. I’m telling you, I had my popcorn ready for a full on make out session – but no. After weeks of being teased, it STILL DIDN’T HAPPEN. You know why? Because Ron’s real life metro-sexual life partner was this week’s guest judge – MY HOCKEY HUSBAND – the great DONALD S. CHERRY – let the true goo-goo eyes begin as Ron breathlessly whispers ‘Grapes’ and all sorts other sweet nicknames they must call each in the throes of passion between HNIC commercial breaks.

But the REAL hilarity ensued with the super-sweet flashback to JR’s ‘childhood’ when Grapes and Ronny-poo visited JR’s parents 20 years ago to watch JR play in the Stanley cup finals at their house. With JR’s adorable Dad in his red sweat pants showing Grapes JR’s various trophies. Grapes has to comment about how “That’s not a very big trophy for being the highest scorer.” Really Grapes? Is Ron’s ‘trophy’ bigger? You realize JR was just a kid? Is that legal in Canada? You know, for an old man you only played ONE GAME IN THE NHL. He is really an ASS – you heard me. Many people do not realize this old goat only played ONE GAME IN THE NHL.

 

Anyway, fast forward to JR cowering in the corner  like he just had a really bad acid flash back or was banging his head against the table while that video was being shown. Not sure which or maybe it was both. May explain a little more about JR. Now mind you, this all happened before the first commercial break!

It was “Men’s night”. Yes, and don’t ask me to explain because I still have no real idea what that meant except that each dude had to skate for 30 seconds solo. For Ron and Grapes, I imagine that is too long for either of them at their age to sustain anything and I will just leave it at that.

So how was the skating? Well, Patrice the boring frenchman tripped several times and yet, the judges gave him a pass. Kelly actually manage to pull off something that resembled skating for once and instead of viagra induced fist pumps, we got finger stabbing at the camera. Todd is looking more and more like Cesare Romero from the original BATMAN TV series and his skating was blah. Val, oh Val. He had a very small fall. Not at all as noticeable as the tripping frenchman but again, because Canadians hate Russians, he was severely punished and slammed for it. Grapes even makes a comment about not knowing that Russians could be ‘that good in the corners’ and starts rambling on about how much better Val’s brother was than him and too bad he’s retired because Calgary could use him now. WOW! I bet the Sutter brothers are happy about that slam on national TV!

 

Thank God as I mentioned it was all a bad dream because even though ValKat was in the skate off against Kelly, they will be in the FINALLY next week. And yes, I misspelled that on purpose.

 

Tags: battle of the blades, don cherry, HNIC, jeremy roenick, ron maclean, val bure