Hats Off – Hockey Hair

Mike!  I told you the fight was plenty, and the sweaty Ovi workout shirt you stole for Dawn.  Please stop lavishing me with gifts for our joint birthday celebration.  Good thing it’s over, I’m not sure what else you might do.

Caps TV did a totally boring Mike Green birthday segment in which Mike showed off this hair.  No casual helmet toss or Fighting Irish stance – this is gel, mousse and possibly a blow dryer.  Or a protractor.  (FYI: I had to straight up Google “math tool half circle” to remember what that was called.)

Non-hockey career? Architect.

See the full action in the video.

This brings us to a very valid old time hockey topic: Hockey Hair.  Chuck and I have long rejoiced in the glory of hockey hair, most specifically when it comes to Mike Modano.  He never could close his mouth all the way and his wife dated a Backstreet Boy, but his hair is glorious.

Shampoo commercial.

The rule of Hockey Hair is best summed up by Austin Powers: “Feed my fish.  Not too much!” Just enough to show from under your helmet, not enough to add extra cranial padding.  And it’s not necessarily a mullet – in fact, with Intergalactic Mullet Champion Barry Melrose hanging around, it’s best not to even try.  Unless you’re Jaromir Jagr, who once fled Pittsburgh fans at the mall by ducking into a store, buying a dress and coming out costumed as the ugliest woman alive.  Not a joke.  Also Patrick Kane, who would have gotten this as a fraternity bet even if he didn’t play hockey.  That or shave off his eyebrows.

Buzz cut, steps and BANGS. That shizz has BANGS.

A few guys sport the full ‘fro – I can talk because my hair looks like this.  But I’m a girl.  At least I would have have the sense to ponytail that nonsense before putting on a helmet.  Not to mention – aren’t you sweating?  My hair is like a sweater on my head and gets everywhere – I can barely eat without a hair tie.

Guess the hockey players.

There is a place for this – on unattractive guys.  Comedy hair, if you will.  It works or it doesn’t, but we will always remember you.  Then there are some guys who rock it right – and totally rock without it – for whom hockey hair is the crowning glory on their total package of awesome.

Staal (beardfail), Letang (beardwin, FML)... and Forsberg, the king.

Chuck and Dawn – who did I miss?  Anyone whose locks you can’t live without?  Where is the evolution of hockey hair leading?  We could go bald-is-sexy like Getzlaf, or curl & dye like Henrik Lundqvist… if there aren’t any variations left on Mike’s mohawk.

Mike Green, 2011

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  1. NYR Fan Reply

    So many choices so little time…hockey hair…good and bad..will always be a great topic. Gretzky gets an award for both best hockey hair AND worst mullet…but after all…he is The Great One…we’ll cut him some slack

    • Chuck79 Reply

      You’re right NYRFan. Gretzky can do what ever he wants because he is the greatest hockey player of all time. Men like that make their own rules.

      • Chuck, meet Steph. Steph loves my Official SJ Sharks colored nail polish and she’s really excited about the return of Chris Drury to the Rangers lineup. I’ll vouch for her, but she only gets Marc (3rd favorite) Staal.

  2. Chuck Reply

    I think the trend will stay with the sort of long shaggy look – which I LOVE! But we all knew this.

    What about Mike Fisher aka Mr. Carrie Underwood? Or Patrick “Lookin'” Sharp?


    HockeyHairFail – Chris Simon
    Exhibit A – http://sportsmed.starwave.com/media/nhl/1999/1116/photo/s_simon.jpg

    BeardWin – Paul Mara http://listicles.thelmagazine.com/wp-content/upload/maras-beard.jpg

    • That beard! He almost looks like SF Giants Brian Wilson, with his dyed-black costume shop job. Fear the beard!

      • Chuck79 Reply

        He is wearing a small woodland creature on his chin.

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