It’s here, it’s here! The most exciting, heartbreaking, hair-tearing, curse-hurling, cheering, crying, social-life-cancelling time of the year!
Affirmative.
To celebrate the start of a new season, SportChek had Sidney Crosby list 39 hockey terms every fan should know:
I bet they wrote 38 terms and Sid threw “Geno” in there himself.
Assuming you’ve got most of those, and hoping we’re past the use of “celly,” you’re ready for a great year. To make sure you spend that time with us, here are a few more:
WUYS-tionary: Glossary of Terms
Intern Jeff Skinner – The pain of Jeff’s indefinite concussion recovery is fresh and Niskanaen – of all people! – should have been suspended for the hit. But we know Jeff will be back soon, flashing dimples and figure skating moves, fetching our Mexicolas while trying not to Hulk out of last season’s t-shirts. We can’t run this place without him.
Always a rookie to us.
#ThatsaLotofCows – John Tavares 4Eva. When he has a multi-point game, whips his hair around with disregard for our well being or rocks a particularly khaki pair of khakis, this is our refrain.
How do you say “heck” in French?
#AlsoCleaningtheBathroom – This is a new one, accidentally coined by @kimmerbajimmer. It refers to a game you’re watching just for that one player who got traded there, while also multitasking with chores. Example: Sam Gagner/Phoenix Coyotes.
When the Coyotes play their howl, I start singing “Thriller.”
Foxy Friday – Weekly feature and highly-coveted award, we stop each Friday to appreciate one player’s off-ice “talents.” Warning: Foxy Friday has magical powers, as players tend to have a really good game/week immediately upon selection. Suggest names with caution.
“I understood that reference!”
PUPPIES! (see also: resident boyband, #TeamEbs, #TeamHallsy) – Anyone near the age of “half your age + 7” (appropriate boyfriend cutoff) who plays for the Edmonton Oilers. They all have group photos as Twitter banners, people.
At Canadian Country Music Awards. In case this lineup wasn’t enough.
Related entry: Molly Ringwald – Ryan Nugent-Hopkins. Possibly the most random nickname we’ve ever bestowed, it stems from this post. The perfection of his eyebrows makes me loopy, okay?
Plaid Suit – The best accessory for walking to the locker room in pre-game b-roll, or making us appreciate a Flyer. Guaranteed to get our attention, and usually get you out of detention.
Style, even in sadness.
Glasses – see: Plaid Suit. Glasses even got a Foxy Friday.
Mario was the only one not falling for this.
Mikey Monday – Unweekly feature that waits, sometimes months, for Mike Green to have a great game and/or ride a scooter. Remember the nude colored belt? Those were the days.
One of my ever-faves from Jen.
Bromance – Best friends forever and ever, until they turn into each other. Or until someone gets traded.
This @DudePerfect thing on Monday going to be major.
Related entry: Seguinista – A female fan of Tyler Seguin. Chuck for President.
Phil Kessel Makeover Project (aka: Everywhere You Go Has Valet) – Like the charitable effort undertaken by Cher and Dionne in Clueless, or even the self-serving transformation in She’s All That, we aspire to nothing if not a movie-style makeover of the NHL’s most unfortunately unfashionable. Call us, Phil. We have a plan.
America’s Nest Top Model
Sidstache – It’s almost Novemeber, prepare yourself. Maybe Crosby will start a goal-scoring streak tomorrow and get a jump start?
:: throws coins/dollars/ATM card into fountain ::
Had to pause the TV for this one.
Disney Prince – Result of exhaustive investigation to prove animators are Penguins fans. Refers primarily to Kris Letang, Exhibit A:
Also Prince Caspian, not Disney or even animated.
Secondary findings suggest support of Sidney Crosby, Exhibit B:
Live-action Charming to be played by Robb Stark. Tailor-mice unable to make custom pants.
Toewsface – The moment a great face is turned into an action gargoyle, captured forever by cameras. So named for the founder and CEO of Derpface Enterprises. It even has a Tumblr.
I made this look good um….
Related entry: “I’m fun now!” – Used whenever Grumpy Cat Jonathan Toews surprises us with personality and/or wakeboarding in Spanx.
Tiny Pockets – Born as regular pockets, they are no match for what Sidney Crosby is carrying. Once seen frequently in the wild, these pockets have become a rare sighting since Crosby let selfies into his life.
Where does he put his keys?
Boyfriend Material – What all of Steven Stamkos’ shirts are made from. Follow their adventures with @alexis_b82‘s brilliant blog: Hey Girl, I’m Steven Stamkos.
One size fits all.
Boyfriend Shirt – Not to be confused with the above, this broadly applies to anything zip-front, henley or raglan. Basically what you’d borrow then never return, and/or the entire contents of Robert Bortuzzo’s closet.
Get well soon!
Gingerbeard – The Holy Grail of facial hair. Occurs on redheads, brunettes and blonds alike, making every five o’clock shadow a potential masterpiece. A huge contender in our annual #BeardWatch tussle.
Just one glorious example.
NOT THE FACE! – Instruction to every puck, stick or fist flying around the ice. Often shouted in our best impression of Hermione disarming a Death Eater.
Followed by a frantic Tweet.
Prayer Circle – Forms upon an exclamation of “Not the face!” or other injury. Used liberally, I’d like to think they work.
BC Sucks – This is your daily reminder that we went to BU. I didn’t live in the minimum security of Warren Towers’ dorm rooms or spend all my dining points on 2 AM Domino’s delivery with Chuck to turn a blind eye on our biggest rival. You might graduate from there, and we’ll like you. Heck, play for our NHL team and we’ll cheer for you. But BC still sucks.
This new fundraising campaign is a success.
What other common WUYS-speak have I forgotten? We’re a bit rusty after all the months! I’m sure there are a few gems, and many more to be created by the euphoria and despair that begin tonight.
As we embark on another NHL season, remember the most important rules for hockey fans:
Start early.
And:
Talk (off a ledge) often.
Happy hockey, everyone!
Girls love.
That has become a regular part of my non-hockey vocabulary. Expressing approval for something? “Girls love.” and yes, in my best (read: worst) Russian accent.
Looking forward to another great NHL season with you ladies.
Hot Like Fire
Though I’ll be sad to see it go, “Cookie Van” might be forced into retirement now that Gibbons is on CBJ. But we’ll always have the memories.
I *almost* included Cookie Van. I even wrote it on my list of possibilities. Also I saw it driving around Annapolis the other day. It was going to be defined as:
Cookie Van – The complimentary chariot that takes you to dinner with Sidney Crosby. Also what happens when you do tequila shots in the presence of an entire hockey team.
Favorite post ever! I can tell based on this that it’s going to be a good season! Enjoy ladies! Ohh….Zetterbeard! Pretty much the best groomed beard grown all year.
I need to send this to my dad. He’s started watching hockey with me when I visit. But his “who is that again?” combined with my WUYS speak has him all confused. He’s particularly confused by “Toewsface” and Intern Jeff Skinner. “He’s an intern? For the team? They can’t do that, can they?”
Even though we are mad at him, you may have forgotten TURTLES. As in, “take away all of that man’s turtles,” when angry or “GET THAT MAN A TURTLE,” when he returns to true Nisky form.