Five minute post! I’m on computer-free vacaaaaaaaaaation for a week, but I could not leave without giving you this.

[youtube.com=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3e4FZd8nuw]

There’s a game I like to play with Lindsay and Alison. I call it:

Inner/Outer monologue or Tomorrow’s Blog Post?

In today’s episode: my reaction to watching this video.

FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WEAR A TIGHTER SHIRT, JOHN!  And in Islanders colors, of course.  He’s like an Ice Girl.  I had to pause and rewind so many times it wouldn’t let me stop the video again.  

Then I got to Intern Jeff and had a fit of hysterical, boy band-induced laughter. The video promises someone named Matt Bollard, who Alison pointed out looks a lot like David Clarkson.

I may be certifiably insane.  I checked my work email on the way out the door and saw the biggest, hugest, horriblest project that came through for my coworkers to do while I’m gone.  Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.  Then give me John Tavares in sweat-wicking Lycra and Crosby with a tan.  

Nate keeps going faster so he can almost brush Sid’s arm.  WE ARE ON TO YOU, KID. WE INVENTED THAT MOVE.

Sweet mercy, a child who is shorter than the caution tape barricade.  My ovaries just collapsed like a souffle.

Please explain something: how do these people keep their hands to themselves?  Is caution tape all it takes to keep Canadians in line?  They’d have to put me in a cage and I’d still get out, with limited power of speech and no pants on, like Planet of the Apes.

John has barely been seen all summer, the suddenly THIS. He went away a few months and came back remodeled like Extreme John Makeover. And riding in the back with the bags, natch. Could it be that Crosby is getting edged out of his Matt Duchene bromance by John? Could Matt be any more like, well, me?

Clearly our work as John’s publicists/wardrobe consultant is getting results. If you’re going to wear jeans and long sleeves in summer, let it be this:

Can we win an award for this? Is that award a go at Phil Kessel’s closet?

Remember, started from the bottom belted khakis:

Now we here:

John looks so good that Matt isn’t sure how to stand next to him. We aren’t sure how to make it to October! And of course, we don’t want John to get too cool and stop saying “darn” or anything. Just stick with us and these jeans, kid.

Tags: Intern Jeff Skinner, john tavares, nathan mackinnon, Sidney Crosby