During last night’s Capitals vs. Penguins game, the role of the Caps was played by Honey Boo Boo:

Or maybe she was playing me, and those pumpkins are my fumbled, oddly-shaped emotions.

The Capitals can juggle two things.  Or two periods of hockey.  It’s the third thing, usually the middle period, that falls apart and smacks them in the face.

My balancing act fails when my favorite team spanks my second favorite team so hard that I feel it two states away.

Last night the Caps took a 1-0 lead into the second period.  Then this happened:

 

That’s 5 goals in the second period.  And I loved every single one of them.

Pssst Ebs, consider a different color for your pants.

Malkin threading the top corner!  Neal coming across the slot on the backhand like he’s putting his coat over a puddle so your new shoes don’t get wet on the way to dinner!

I even experimented with Things that Can be Done in Five Minutes:

1) I make a sandwich.

2) Crosby scores a goal.  On order.

He wouldn’t take half your sandwich after.  He’s that kind of guy.

But the second period was also my nightmare.  I hate to see the Caps get embarrassed, especially now when their mental state (or is it mine?) is fragile and their confidence shot.  I’ve started making outrageous bargains with the universe, like “If I found a magic lamp, I’d use one wish to help the Caps” and “If I give up bagels, the Caps will start winning.”

Shockingly, that hasn’t worked.  The fates do not care what I eat for breakfast.

Is it panic time now?  Everywhere you look, people are piling up kindling like they’re going to burn the Caps for the insurance money.

I can offer no remedies for the Caps except baked goods, and this situation is beyond even cupcakes.  So I’ll just watch through my fingers and hope that somehow, someway, this turns around before all is lost for the Caps in 2013.

Frankly, I cannot risk depressed Mike Green getting any more tattoos.  Mikey Monday could be on the line here, people.  This is serious.

Tags: Evgeni Malkin, james neal, mike green, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby, washington capitals