Intern Desk: Pay Day

Intern Jeff Skinner here.  Jeez, I thought it was tough to get a word in during the regular season.  If Landeskog could keep his shirt on, maybe we’d have some bandwidth left!  Ahem, as I was trying to say…

I signed a $34.35 million, 6-year contract.

Not that anybody cares, because Crosby is doing something that used to require oxen.  Need I remind you that I have collected (almost) all the Staals?!   Pants even posted about it… and not a single picture of me, of course. (No, Pants. The sloth does not count.)

What does a guy have to do to get promoted around here?

I tried to add a photo, but she changed all the passwords.  Luckily Mike Green’s birthday was my third guess.

Let’s talk about my contract.  It keeps me in Carolina through 2018-2019 [link].  By then I’ll be 26.  You can’t still be an intern at 26, right?  It doesn’t even matter, because I’m pulling in $5.725 mill/year and I don’t need the WUYS money.  Not that there is any.  They’ve spent it all flying to Canada to enter that Crosby contest, which is why they’re staying with my parents.

To show them I’m ready to be promoted, I’ve spent my summer vacation doing important, grown-up things.  Like wearing ties and taking meetings.

I’m coaching too, as I’m very responsible.  Even if the kids are taller than I am.

Since I’m a big deal now, I’ve decided this is my best side for photos.

It’s a total resume builder.

I’m also improving my references.  Not only do I have Jordan, but I’ve been collecting Foxy Friday pals.  Just wait until “Bring Your Friends to Work Day” when I really impress the girls.

Or when someone steals my phone at the office Christmas party.

In case of emergency, I also made a workout video.  Now that I’ve seen Crosby’s, I may have to revise the weight on my barbell and my choice of socks.  Still, the balance board is killer.  If that’s not awkward enough for you, keep watching.

So, what do you guys think?  I’m going to make the playoffs get the job, right?

Tags: ,

Leave a Reply

  1. Good lord, he smiles even when he’s doing evil balance board squats. The last thing I want to do at the gym is anything that implies happiness.

    Of course $34.35M would make me smile even if I were shoveling manure.

  2. Chuck Reply

    Get back to work, Jeff!

    • Cassy Reply

      I didn’t think annual leave was in his contract? And I suppose that’s why all the plants are dead, the bins are overflowing, the coffee hasn’t been stocked up and Pants was throwing a tantrum the other day when we ran out of Whatchamacallit bars?

      He’s been “taking meetings”. Uh huh. Well he’s not been practising his Windsor knots on his tie, that’s for sure!

  3. MouthGuard Reply

    Did he pass his background check and pee tests? Anything suspicious pop up? Is he going to need one of those gender clarification tests they’ve been talking about at the Olympics? 😉 Will he work on the weekends? Can he print TPS reports in landscape, double-sided unsupervised?

    These are the questions corporate should be considering.

  4. Jesus, Jeff. Notice how Donald Fehr – representing the entire NHLPA – is in a button down short-sleeved shirt? Not that I approve of this choice Donald, BUT: Jeffy has a thing or two to learn about workplace appropriate dress. See Lundqvist, Henrik.