Fire up your synthesizer! Here we are, post All-Star break and there are 67 days left in the regular season. Since we’re quite used to telling everyone what to do (and being ignored), here are a few things we’d like to offer for consideration:
Penguins: If you stay at #2 in your division and end up the #4 playoff seed in the East, right now you’d face the Capitals in the first round. This is fine with us. Dawn and I will make up around the July 4th, after one of us is finished gloating about the Stanley Cup. (Note: LIE. I’m still gloating from ’09.)
Canucks: Dawn hates you. But does it matter when you have 73 points and runner-up Minnesota has 57? Are you just being greedy? We suggest a division mercy rule, like middle school softball.
San Jose: WTF is your problem? Chuck warned you that she is not doing the walk of shame home from your post-season anymore. With 11 teams separated by 10 points all piled into your Conference between 4th and 14th place, you cannot let this one get away. We expect a strong finish.
Chicago: I can’t even talk about this. I can see how hard you’re trying. Too hard, maybe. We need magic not mania. Soaking your sticks in basilisk venom won’t make them horcruxes for the soul of last season. (Too much?) Take a deep breath and just skate.
Carolina: Come on, boys! Everyone loves you now and we promise to give intern Jeff Skinner extra credit for the playoffs. Feel free to replace Montreal, NYR or Atlanta.
That said, we’re in no hurry to get to the playoffs. The season can last forevvvvvvvvver. Summers are for losers.Tags: carolina hurricanes, Chicago Blackhawks, Pittsburgh Penguins, San Jose Sharks, Vancouver Canucks, washington capitals