Let’s take this in baby steps and try not to get too carried away. Because we could go on for DAYS about All-Star Weekend (wait, we already have).
First, everyone missed their flights to Raleigh. Patrick Kane was busy packing his “Louis V shades.” Mike Green and Ovi couldn’t fit two grown men and hockey gear on a Vespa.
When they finally arrived, there was the red carpet. Roenick asked everyone what they were wearing, and he’s scarier than Joan Rivers. All you need to know is Fleury danced in his Prada shoes and this happened:
JR FTW.
Then the All-Star Fantasy Draft. Or it shall henceforth be known: Awkwardfest 2011. In the best and most uncomfortable 90 minutes in television history, Teams Staal and Lidstrom selected their players. Highlights:
– Cam Ward goes #1, steals the show. (This is a recurring theme.)
– Mike Green chews gum, with his mouth open, on stage. The entire time. Because he loses the “Best Hairdo” award to Ryan Kessler.
Really? You're picking him? We wouldn't.
– Jonathan Toews doesn’t get picked at the beginning. Derp face.
– The Sedin twins are split up. Can aliens live separate from their host?
– Awkward host calls Tim Thomas old for being drafted by a team that no longer exists.
– Jonathan Toews still not picked. Derrrp face.
– Eric Staal has a mean streak, picks Lundqvist. Marc Staal says no more Christmas presents.
– Jonathan Toews finally picked. Derrrrrrrrrrp face.
– No one understands the science of microphones. If you’re back six inches, it can still hear you.
– Kris Letang picked in Round 12? Idiots. Swaggers on stage, easily making fools of all. Trips going up the stairs. Still wins.
Round 12 is the new black.
– Brent Burns denied our Fear The Beard campaign to show that – surprise! – he looks a lot like sparkly Robert Pattinson.
– Matt Duchene is my new favorite dork.
– Phil Kessel (Cartman) gets picked last. Thinks Toews had it easy.
– Ovi films, laughs maniacally.
The point of the draft was to liven up the weekend and show the players’ personalities – it certainly did that. And we just couldn’t Tweet or text fast enough to keep up! Afterward, everyone congratulated Brendan Shanahan on continuing to be the awesomest of awesometown.
(I didn’t make any of these Macros. But damn they made me laugh.)
It was so magically delicious I was waiting for my pet lego sparkly Unicorn to fly out of Kris Letang’s hair! But instead, it flew out of his stick to make two goals and a bromance with Ovi! What more could I have asked for this weekend! Jesus loves me!
I know this isn’t a normal human reaction, but when Letang tripped up the stairs, I actually screamed. Clearly, I felt a bit protective. At least he made up for it today (and during his ridiculous backward skate race).
By the way, calling the Sedin twins ‘aliens’ is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. THANK YOU.
I missed the whole thing. All of it. Working then migraine HE’LL. Am still in bed from it. Nightmare.
Someone tell me what happened? Like who won? And where I can find those hockey pics lol!
Please!?!?!? Ps Kris is suprsexy and 12th round? Theta saving the best for last! Omfg he looked good. And I HATE hairbands on men!
Every single NHL player needs media training. With the exception of Tim Thomas. Because he’s awesome.
Matt Duchene’s quote of the night – “Did we get voted off the island?”
Mikey was trying really hard not to blow bubbles up on stage. What if he did and Staal popped with this finger? Laugh for days.
Tim Thomas is old compared to the guys he was up there with. But I don’t think that he really cares. He is just having a good time.
God Bless you, Verses cameraman. You managed to get long, lingering shots of every player’s butt, and for this we thank you.
I love Squishy.
That’s all.
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