“… to do with my selection.” – Sir Mix-a-Lot, Baby Got Back

JEEZ.  I go away and hockey throws a party like the Project X kids and burns down the whole neighborhood!  First things first – this Cosmopolitan list of the Hottest NHL players.

Hahahahaha!  Watching Grey’s Anatomy does not make me a doctor, so let’s not assume one Google search qualifies Cosmo to select the best-looking player from each hockey team.  Some things are best left to those who’ve done their blogging homework.  (According to Cosmo, they asked people to vote.  WHAT PEOPLE?  Calling only Phil Kessel is not “people.”)

Consider your source.  They were busy with the Sex Diet and these hot shorts.

Let’s take a look at their picks:

Washington Capitals/Mike Green – Well they got one right, even if they chose a useless photo of MG52 in which neither hair nor smile were evident.  He’d still win for the Caps, but let’s make it a landslide.

LA Kings/Jeff Carter – He’s a Cosmo kind of guy, don’t ya think?  Between stories on “Crazy Hot Sex” and “I’m Marrying My Gay Best Friend,” he subscribes for sure.  Chuck would choose Dustin Penner, I’d pick Mike Richards (I guess) and Dawn loves Doughty.  Zero votes for Carts.

NY Rangers/Brian Boyle – The hottest guy on the Rangers is Henrik.  Followed, in order, by Henrik’s bow tie, Henrik’s skinny suit pants, anything shiny that reflects Henrik’s face, and then MDZ.  It’s a tough competition, Brian.

Buffalo Sabres/Patrick Kaleta – So many head-butting jokes missed  here.  Tragic kingdom.

Philadelphia Flyers/Scott Hartnell – SCOTT HARTNELL!  Over the infuriating, shit-eating grin perfection of Giroux?  Over my foolish crush on the Briere family (they have a Boston Terrier!) and that time Danny had to stand on a box to be interviewed?!  I’ll be upstairs jumping off the roof.

Ottawa Senators/Marc Methot – Remember what I said about being a doctor? Well being a blogger doesn’t mean I know every player on the Senators. I don’t know this guy. I only know he’s not Erik Karlsson.

Montreal Canadiens/Carey Price – If you’re going to make me say out loud that Carey Price is the best looking Hab, there better be some priest-to-sinner confessional confidentiality here.  Brand new Canadien Brandon Prust will fix this problem tout de suite.

Detroit Red Wings/Henrik Zetterberg – The Beard.  The Swede.  The fact he is our age!  Fine Cosmo, you can have this one too.

Toronto Maple Leafs/Phil Kessel – Imsorrywhat?  Somewhere Joffrey Lupul is shirtless, riding a horse down the beach to bring you a hot fudge sundae asking, “What the hell does a guy have to do around here?”

Columbus Blue Jackets/Jared Boll – In a world without Rick Nash, Jared Boll’s eyebrows are pretty impressive.  Still I’d rather have an old life-size cardboard cutout of Rick.

NY Islanders/John Tavares – YES.  For every seventh grader who ever had a crush on her cute Earth Science teacher.

Vancouver Canucks/Ryan Kesler – Cosmo would never miss an underwear photo shoot, so Ry had this vote locked up.  We can’t really argue with the abs.

Winnipeg Jets/Evander Kane – Sure, if you like guys who call you from Vegas on phones made of money.  We much prefer Zach Bogosian’s overwhelmingly camouflage wardrobe (especially when he’s not wearing it).

Carolina Hurricanes/Jordan Staal – DAGGER IN MY HEART, but it’s true!  Intern Jeff Skinner is never going to win this, poor kid.  He even tried growing his hair out. Wah waaaaaaaaah.  The Staals are like a cult, or an offensive line, or the strapping inhabitants of some island where I long to be shipwrecked.

Pittsburgh Penguins/Sidney Crosby – In other news, water is wet.  If you like glass-cutting cheekbones, model’s lips and a body like a MAC Truck, Crosby’s my your  guy.  There should be a runner-up category where Neal and Letang wrestle/compare tattoos for second place.

Minnesota Wild/Ryan Suter – Just because your contract equals Zach Parise’s doesn’t mean you are equally foxy.  No voting required.

San  Jose Sharks/Brent Burns – Sans beard, Brent is a close shave for Hottest Shark.  Too bad Joe Thornton is Chuck’s high school boyfriend.  When she said “Chuck + Joe 4EVA,” she meant it.

Boston Bruins/Tyler Seguin – Another Cosmo sure shot, a la Jeff Carter.  If they knew what they were doing, there’d be a cover story entitled, “How To Hookup and Not Get Listed as This.”

Anaheim Ducks/Bobby Ryan – Cosmo picked him because he played in Sandy relief charity games.  We pick him because he’s funny and Tweets pictures of his cat.  A deadly combination.

Chicago Blackhawks/Patrick Sharp – From one magazine title to another… both wrong.  He’s perfect, we get it.  But any list without Jonathan Toews is really no list at all.  Jon would ask for a do-over, since he didn’t hear the whistle.

Tampa Bay Lightning/Vincent Lecavalier – Maybe in 2003, the year Vinny and his girlfriend where featured in the SI Swimsuit Issue.  But it’s ten years later and Stamkos is the new sheriff in town.

Florida Panthers/Scottie Upshall – People love Kris Versteeg but I’m going with Upshall here.  Spontaneous rapping skills not required.  If the Panthers went with this color navy for their uniforms, people would notice Scottie more.

Nashville Predators/Mike Fisher – He’s so pretty.  Too pretty.  We prefer our guys a little rough around the edges; a little more tall, dark and “I can put this puck though a bank vault.  Stand aside, miss,” like Shea Weber.

Colorado Avalanche/Gabriel Landeskog – Cosmo chose him for his, ahem, “leadership.”  Well he certainly leads the NHL in shirtless selfies posted to Instagram.  (This category is open, should another NHL player like to apply.)  If one world were full of maple bacon donuts sitting on a pile of money, and another full of stale bread held by Gabe, we’d take the bread.  Then invent new ways to burn off those carbs.

St. Louis Blues/Patrik Berglund – This is a legit choice, if boring.  Chuck would have gone with Alex Pietrangelo.  I would have gone for TJ Oshie’s phone and gotten myself Toews’ number.

Calgary Flames/Dennis Wideman – NO NO NO!  You need go back like PA’s and wearing PJ’s to Jarome Iginla, a handsome and distinguished older gentleman.  Or be us and pick Alex Tanguay, my long-term committed hockey relationship.  My lobster.

Phoenix Coyotes/Mike Smith – If Lupul’s on a horse trying to outrun Cartman Kessel for the Leafs’ prize, how would you describe Biznasty’s campaign?  His life is the social media equivalent of a pole dancing class.  It’s dirty, but it works for him. (Sorry Shane Doan.)

NJ Devils/Adam Henrique – Ahhh yes.  The devil in disguise.  Thank God he shows up in photos.

Edmonton Oilers/JORDAN EBERLE – Ding ding ding! We have a winner.  Cosmo is #TeamEbs!  Perhaps they are not quite so lazy and poorly educated as I thought.  Plus, Hallsy keeps needing stitches to the head.

Dallas Stars/Jaromir Jagr – I had to read this twice.  First – JAGR?!  Second – Wait, the Stars?  Oh yeah, he plays there now.  I know we took their James Neal away, but what about Loui “Crazy Eyes” Eriksson? Brendan Morrow qualifies.  They even have Derek Roy now, so if there’s no height requirement to ride this coaster than we think Jagr ends up sitting alone.

By my book, Cosmo scored +/- 50% on this list.  That’s pretty poor considering the joys of window-shopping along this particular glass.  Don’t you have interns who spend all day trolling Tumblr?  You could’ve asked to borrow Jeff Skinner (if you cut his hair before you send him back).

The season hasn’t even begun and Cosmo’s already set the bar around the .500 level.  No wonder they picked Kessel!  We know that’s not good enough to get you into the playoffs.  Maybe next year they’ll bring their A game… or just leave the surgery to us doctors.

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Note from Chuck:

Our list > Cosmo’s list.

Yeah, I said it. We are superior. We may not be the best or most prolific bloggers on the interwebs, but when it comes to stuff like this – don’t get it twisted.

We got it on LOCK!