To keep looking like this:

Some of our 100+ Stamkos posts have been pretty legendary, including those times he:

… was so cute at 20 that I said, “Call me when you don’t need a fake ID.’

.. turned 21. Then 22, and then 23. (He’s 25 now.)

… shoveled snow in shorts.

… wore, and I mean wore, blue pants to play golf. The white pants were good too.

… and James Neal cried laughing at Intern Jeff Skinner‘s mortal humiliation.

… scored 50 goals. Then made it 60 goals.

… did this:

… pretended to forget his skates while Jordan Eberle pretended to be mean in a Coke Zero commerical.

… and Neal, Tavares and Jeff Carter had an imaginary argument about the scoring race.

… Tweeted a photo of his busted face.

… jumped freakishly high. Which is probably all the time.

… cut/didn’t cut his hair.

… poured water of himself in the name of charity.

… went to the wire on a contract deal. No, the other time.

Curls for the girls

It’s been 4 years, 7 months and 22 days since Steven’s first mention on WUYS. That means he’s gone 1697 days without being Foxy Friday! Criminal! Finally, we correct this error of 242.5 weeks. (And on a day that Steven and the Bolts play Pittsburgh. I waited 5 years to probably shoot myself in the foot and cost my team their whole season. Yay,)

In honor of Steven finally being named, we’re bringing you ALL NEW (to this blog, mostly, we think) Steven Stamkos content! Skinny legs and all.

getouthere @NikeTraining pic.twitter.com/5PfNtGSAaU

— Steven Stamkos (@RealStamkos91) November 6, 2015

When Steven is on the ice, he is:

When he’s not on the ice, you can find him being cute with a puppy:

I don’t need any treats, I’m good here.

And with many puppies:

My actual dream come true.

And with his own puppy:

Some people are obsessed with their dogs, okay? Gosh.

Also with children:

High school is going to be rough with these standards.

Cabbie:

or product placement:

I would pay $1000 for this shirt.

You’ll find him hanging with his related Tumblr searches:

I’ve got friends in Southern Ontario places…

Notice that “Hand” is the only thing capitalized.

And most importantly, doing activities:

I play Frisbee every day with my dog, I could coach this. Will work for everyone’s shirts.

I could go on all day (or for the past five years). Stammer’s contract is up at the end of this season, and the drama is already at peak hysteria. The Lightning have said it’s their “number one priority” – well, duh. Steven has said little other than he loves playing in Tampa. We’ve heard guys say that and take reasonable contracts to stay put, or shout is as they’re rolling toward a new team in an armored truck full of cash. My bet is on Stamkos staying with the Lightning.

If you’re not already following him on twitter (@RealStamkos91), you’re doing it wrong. The guy knows what we want! It’s almost as good as the Steven Stamkos Tumblr feed.

Happy finally Foxy Friday, Steven. Try not to score too many again the Penguins tonight, yeah? Kthanksbye.

Welcome to our annual playoff predictions, where Chuck selects teams based on actual hockey things and Pants make wishes on shiny pennies. (note from Pants: Amazingly, we have about the same track record. Maybe I learn things through texting with her.)

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Senators

Chuck: Senators. I know their late season surge is partially responsible for the Bruins not making the playoffs, but come on, people.  There is no way in seven hells that I’m rooting for the Canadiens to win.  Plus the Sens have momentum on their side – they won their last three games vs the Habs and they are riding the hot glove of the Hamburgler.

Pants: WHO CARES? No, really. I think the Habs will win because Carey Price. And I hope they will win because they are predictable when faced by a next-round opponent who could by one of my teams. The Sens have lived up to their “pesky” reputation time and again, and I don’t have the stomach for their upswings now.

Lightning vs. Red Wings

Chuck: Lightning. A deep forward corps and young guns like Palat & Kucherov give the Bolts eletricity in the scoring department.  Foxy Friday Brian Boyle is holding down the 4th line, scored 15 goals, and has even played shifts of defense. We love guys that can multitask. But the thought of losing the Zetterbeard so early in the playoffs….

Not okay.

Pants: Uh, Lighting. Apologies to @lm1485‘s grandmother and the stuffed duck on her porch who wears a Red Wings jersey, but the Wings are on the downward slope away from the top of the League.  We know what it’s like to look around and suddenly, everyone else is 25.

Rangers vs. Penguins

Chuck: Rangers.  NYR went b***s to the wall at the trade deadline and made some very strategic moves to complete their roster.  Rick Nash has been his best against the Pens this season with 7 points over 4 games (3 of which the Rangers won).  Add in the the 1-2 goaltending punch of Lundqvist and Talbot, and the Rangers are a force that should put other East teams on notice.

Pants: PENGUINS. If I learned anything from Grease, it was: what skipping a period meant it was: if I can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Short of lacing up some skates and toe picking my way out there to hold a &$%#ing lead myself (I considered this), the only solution is to focus my energy into a laser beam of love and intention – hopefully one that can move the puck away from the Pens’ net. Maybe instead of watching Grease, I should have kept watching Star Wars. Also, if I haven’t mentioned it in five minutes, I hate the Rangers.

Capitals vs. Islanders

Chuck:  Push.  These teams have not met in the playoffs since 1993 so you know that this is going to be some hype. Islanders are moving out of Nassau Coliseum at the end of this season so that might make give this series and playoffs some extra gravitas, but I think that these teams are pretty evenly matched. High-powered captains? Check. Goaltending? Check. Puck possession teams? Check.  This one is gonna be gooood. #BuckleUp

Pants: Capitals yaaaaaaaaas. But why does this have to be? Why can’t I just want John Tavares and his pleated khaki, double-strapped backpack, tucked-in shirt and first day of school haircut to win in the playoffs? Still, I don’t. As I wrote about in my guide to liking more than one team, you need to prioritize and stick to your guns. Even when the other gun looks like this:

Screencap of My Life by @ambitiouspants

Capitals, don’t make me regret this.

Who are your 1st round picks? Comment below!

Canadiens: 4; Lightning: 3 [Habs win series 4-0]

It looked like OT until Max Pacioretty, who I still have trouble remembering is American, scored his first ever playoff goal with 43 seconds left in the third.

And the crowd goes wild.  Literally.  I don’t care for/about the Habs but a moment like that melts my heart.  Much has been made of the Habs being the only Canadian team in the post-season, and they haven’t advanced past the first round since 2010. They become 2014’s first playoff bracket move:

Farewell to the Bolts, whose beards we will not get to enjoy.  We’ll give Stamkos a week to mope then we expect daily Gary Roberts workout videos.

You’re welcome.

So Lightning fans, who will you root for now?

Bruins: 3; Detroit: 0 [Bruins lead series 2-1]

The Canadiens will await the winner of this series, which is getting fiesty slimy.  In the grand Detroit tradition of throwing octopi on the ice, a fan tossed one during the anthem.  Chances are it wasn’t Justin Verlander because it came up short, sliding gently into Tuukka Rask’s skate like it was afraid of becoming sushi.  Tuukka gave it a well-deserved look of disgust and proceeded to beat the Red Wings in reply.

Gif by Twitter/@PeteBlackburn

Brad Marchand barely dodged a potentially terrible knee-on-knee hit from Brendan Smith – then went down and grabbed the wrong leg.  I have to mention it, you know that about me.  Video/Gif/weaksauce explanation at CBS Sports.  Better examination on Days of Y’Orr, including a Marchand gif that makes me want to stab myself in the face.

Rangers: 4; Flyers: 1 [NYR lead series 2-1]

This game can be summed up in two images:

I’m still rooting for everyone to lose but even I had a little bit of fun at the end there.

Sharks: 4; Kings: 3 [Sharks lead series 3-0]

It took OT and by far the Kings’ best result in this series, but in the end it was still the Sharks and their weird beard dreams taking a chokehold lead on this series.  BU’s Matt Nieto scored his first playoff goal last night – yay for days!  The Kings will try to stay alive Thursday night.

HNIC Bio: Matt Nieto

Read this adorable Hertl/Nieto rookie BFF story from the SJ Mercury News.  They better have those Minions in the locker room.

For tonight…

Pens and Blue Jackets are up first thing evening, as if anyone has recovered from Saturday night.  The Stars and Ducks are on early (8PM ET), so you can see Jamie Benn’s face/Jordie Benn’s beard and if they’re able to even that series.  The Blackhawks will try to take two of two at home from St. Louis in the not-quite-so late game (9:30 PM ET).

These little recaps are really helping make sure I have at least looked at every playoff game.  That said, they are 3-minute looks.  If I miss something good, let me know!  I can’t be everywhere and Mr. Pants is already really tired of the playoffs.

1. Enjoy a composed evening of important hockey that matters on a theoretical level, but not to your team.
2. Like me, last night:

One goal games all around, and no one made it look easy.  Here we go, Round One: Day One already gearing up to be great.

Canadiens: 5, Lightning: 4

Did you get dizzy watching this one?  Twice Tampa Bay took the lead, only to lose it in 0:19 and 3:15 respectively.  Montreal went up by a goal twice, only to be tied again in 2:01 and 1:57.  The last game-tying goal was a beauty by Stamkos, coast-to-coast, all alone:

Almost an entire OT period was needed to end this, the Habs getting the win.   Still some good numbers for the Lightning – they had only 25 shots on Price but scored 4 times, while Lindback stopped 39 of 44.  On Montreal’s end, that’s a lot of shots!  Vanek had 7 of them, including this very pretty goal:

Penguins: 4,  Blue Jackets: 3

TOO CLOSE, THANK YOU.  If every game in the series is like this, I may not survive.  I expect it will be, since all Pens defensemen over the age of Matt Niskanen have a tendency to do what only Mokiki can do so well: the Sloppy Swish.

SNL Video: (The Legend of) Mokiki and the Sloppy Swish

They will magically get it together for periods (of time, not hockey).  Let’s hope for more of those.  Flower I thought was not bad – the first 2 goals were all the D’s fault, the 3rd he’d love to have back.  If only the world were a wish granting factory.

The Jackets are, of course, good and scary.  I was sore from watching guys get hit on TV.  Also from punching the screen every time Brandon Dubinksy’s face came up.  That’s his job and he does it so well.

Ducks: 4, Stars: 3

I went to bed when this was 3-0 Anaheim, all in the first.  I did a “WHAT?!” this morning when I saw the final score.  For twenty minutes things were bleak, but it was just the rust of not making the playoffs for the last 5 seasons.  They are good now.  But are they as good as the Ducks?

Ryan Getzlaf, with the Tyler Seguin slapshot-to-face:

If not for Getz’s mug, who knows?  The Stars could have tied in the final seconds.  They came close more than once.  Coach Boudreau expects Getzlaf to have a “nasty cut” but hopefully be fine and they will know more today.

Boys don’t always remember dates, so Steven Stamkos’ gift arrived a little early – two goals in last night’s win over Buffalo.  First he tied the game:

Then there was this bizarre own-goal, but plenty of guys need help buying presents.  He returned it to the store and came back with the OT game-winner:

Birthday bonus: this episode of Weekes’ Beat, featuring the best in hopeful playoff pre-beard fashion:

Stripes and plaid and overhead florescent lighting – you are no match for this.

As of today the Lightning are in the playoffs with 91 points (awwwww).  Detroit trails them by 7 points for 3rd in the Atlantic… and the two teams are facing off right now.  I don’t want to jinx anything by talking about post-season berths before spots are clinched, but let’s leave it at hoping we see Steven after April 16.  Because even though he thinks he’s getting uglier, we have to disagree.

More highlights tonight?  Maybe this wasn’t Lindsay’s present  after all!

Foxy Friday: Ben Bishop

You probably heard the Tampa Bay goalie’s name a lot right after you didn’t hear it at all – Ben was not chosen for the 2014 US Men’s Olympic Team.  You’re hearing it again now, because the re-injured knee of Detroit’s Jimmy Howard may open a Sochi roster spot for Bishop after all.

If that doesn’t work out, Ben could spend those two weeks smiling into a mirror and feel better.  Or at least we’d feel better.

Olympics aside, let’s talk foxiness.  Ben is a giant – really, he’s 6’7″.  The high heels in our closets just gave a dreamy sigh.  He’s 27, from Denver and has no bio on the Lightning website.  That’s helpful.  A man of mystery, perhaps?

Being a goaltender sounds like a brilliant job for a guy that leaves so little room in the net.  Ben started his career with a short stint in St. Louis (just 13 games over 2 years), before being traded to Ottawa.   He played 23 games over almost 2 seasons for the Sens, shuttling between their AHL Binghamton counterpart.  I put that in just because it’s Upstate NY.

At the 2013 trade deadline, Bishop was sent to Tampa Bay in return for Cory Conacher’s eyebrows and a 4th round draft pick.  He played 9 games for the Bolts last year, but this season is when things really got rolling.

Post-game interview – Jan. 17, 2014 (loss)

Appearing in 37 of the Lightning’s 51 games this season, Ben’s record is 25-6.  He’s got a League-leading .934 save percentage and 1.96 goals-against average (3rd in the NHL).  Tampa Bay is 2nd in the Atlantic (though they have the same 65 points as leader Boston) and third in the East.

Let’s recap: foxy stats, tall guy, nice smile… what else do you need?  How about a photo with BU alum and Original Foxy Friday Matt Gilroy?

Check.  I don’t see much on Ben – favorite movie, food, other things we can adore or tease him for.  He does like most sports except basketball, so that’s our style [link]. Anyone got a secret file on this guy?  Until then, enjoy a highlight reel  video from the first 20 games of this season…

and a picture of Ben making this full-grown man look like a child.

Haha.  Happy Friday!

Add in childhood video, profile shots and candid confessions of previous disappointments and I feel like I just voted for something.

Will Stammer be ready to play in Sochi?  While everyone’s talking about Olympic dreams, this is one of ours.

Here’s the Olympic Men’s Ice Hockey schedule.  I’ve alerted my boss that I’ll need multiple days off – possibly two whole weeks – to watch these games in real time.

Tonight, the man we call Squishy will play in his 1,000th NHL game.

Yes, we said Squishy.

If you played in an NHL game every single day, it would take 2 years, 9 months and 27 days to reach 1,000.   That’s from tonight straight through until September 14, 2016.  If you played in each of 84 regular season games, it would take nearly 12 NHL seasons to hit the mark.

In Martin St. Louis’ case, it took 15 full and partial-NHL seasons.  Not even 300 players have hit the 1,000 game mark [link] and let’s be honest, many who do have left their best production days behind.

Not Marty.  Last season, St. Louis won the Art Ross Trophy.

Look who he beat.  Look at his projected point total in a non-lockout season.  LOOK AT HIS FACE!  No wait, look at his legs.

You certainly wouldn’t be the only one, according to Google.

I mean…

I digress.  At 38 years old, Marty currently has 20 points in 20 games.  The Lightning lead the Eastern Conference.  It remains to be seen what happens to the Bolts sans Stamkos, but never doubt that Martin St. Louis is the backbone of that team.

To celebrate this milestone, we’ll give you just 10 of the 1000 reasons that we have loved Marty for so long.

10) He’s older than we are – and when you get to our age you need role models. Basically we’re down to Sophia Loren, Meryl Streep and Marty St. Louis.

9) He gets better looking every year.  Please let this happen to us.

8) He’s shorter than we are.  (Well, he’s shorter than Chuck.  He’s exactly the size and weight as me + a suitcase.)  It never, ever stood in his way.

7) He once had a double root canal after a playoff game and was in the lineup two nights later, no problem. [link]

6) He was probably the only person who didn’t facepalm when The Real Housewives of What is Your Demographic NHL, I Do Not Understand This Tie-In mispronounced his name at the NHL Awards.  Then he read his acceptance speech off his Blackberry.

5) His dad-ness.  Watch this video.

4) The advice we assume he gives Stamkos on all aspects of life.

I’m not looking at you till you cut your hair.

3) The way he starts a party…

… and the way it ends.

2) This had to make the list somewhere:

1)  Of course the best thing about Marty is the way he plays the game.

Check out Squishy’s career stats and their game tonight vs. LA if you can stay up that late.  Maybe the Real Housewives will be there to celebrate another of Marty’s big achievements.

Hi-res left/right

Jeez, Stamkos.  Leave something for the mere mortals.

These are (again) from the Sharp for Men November ’13 issue photo shoot.  You can download the issue for your iPad here.  All photos by @MattBarnesPhoto.

If you download the issue, you get a bonus behind the scenes video of this photo shoot.  Did I mention it’s only $2.99?  It should be $299.99.  Of you could have Lindsay, who went to great lengths to make sure I/we got to see the highlights:

Whose job is it to soak just the chest of his t-shirt?  Does that require a Canadian government security clearance (which I would never get because of this blog)? And one of those shampoo visors from the 80’s that fits around his torso?

It’s exactly, perfectly half of his shirt.

Not that you’re looking at his shirt anymore.

Kidding, I’m kidding!  Nice watch.

His legs are rather skinny, which must be the aerodynamic prototype for, say, skating 100 MPH or static jumping 7 feet in the air.  Also the reason for creating slim-cut suit pants.

This one is my favorite – just Steven and a thermostat.  Insert “Is it hot in here or just me?” joke.

So stylish and composed, yes?  Classy and unflappable?  Not entirely.

Congrats to Steven on being Steven and winning awards.  It’s what he does.  This time it might just work on a larger scale – the Lightning have won three in a row and sit atop the Eastern Conference.

The Bolts have… hang on.  My phone is ringing.

Hi John.

What’s that?  I cut off the standing above the Islanders?

But you prefer this one and I have to include all the way to the bottom?

I get it.   You are not interested in Stamkos’ faux-sweaty t-shirt.  Or his legs.  No, I don’t think special effects are involved in the making of those high-jump videos. Yes, I can stop talking about other players when you’re having a rough day.

I guess somebody didn’t like being reminded about that missed penalty shot back in the day.

Oh, I’m kidding.  Poor John, the Isles traded his BFF Matt Moulson to Buffalo.  In that vein, poor Matt Moulson.   I didn’t know Tavares was the godfather of Moulson’s daughter – that makes me want to cry.

Like whooping, twirling and scaring Intern Jeff Skinner excited.  (We don’t let him work the Halloween Party.)  Then yesterday, more screams were heard ’round the world as Lindsay and Alison whipped these around the internet.

Alison found this teaser:

And she was all, “WHAT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH!”

But today, the full length video went up.  And it was this face all day:

Try it for yourself:

My lifelong brand loyalty to Coca-Cola has been validated in a way I could never repay at the cost of soda these days.  When a server asks, “Is Pepsi okay?” I always say, “No.”  Now I will say it much louder.

So many things.  First the narration is so Ron Burgundy-esque that I bet they’re broadcasting from a hot tub full of scotch.  Steven’s boyfriend sweatshirt is in full effect.  Then it actually says “let his stick do the talking.”  I swear, no one runs this stuff by girls.

Oh wait, they do.  Adorable outtakes?  Insightful B-roll?

Oh my, it’s really pronounced “RegIna.”  I was hoping that might not be true.

Wait until Stamkos blames it all on John Tavares while casually drawing your focus to how well his shirt fits.  We know where to look, Steven.

All this attention is making #TeamEbs nervous.

Okay, I love everyone.  My crappy day at work is erased as I watch this on a loop.

There is a second, deleted video of more chirping.  I tried to find it but the only Google results for “eberle stamkos” are this blog and fanfiction.  So basically this blog twice.  If anyone turns it up, we want it!

For  now, enjoy Cabbie giving Stammer acting lessons.  The next time a guy asks why girls go to the bathroom together, say you’re working on this.

Or just say:

POST SCRIPT: From Lindsay, courtesy of Sharp Magazine.

Click photos for super hi-res. You’re welcome.

Bonus: Joffrey Lupul in suits.

• Stamkos
• #TeamEbs
• Cabbie
• Coca-Cola

The answer would be zero, but that’s already the name of this campaign.

These two will star in the next “Moment Zero” feature for Coke Zero.  The first brought us Kevin Wheeler, and Ebs’ distractingly perfect and probably autobiographical performance as a guy whose mom drives him to games [link].

What do you think this one is about?

Here’s a Vine from TSN in which Stamkos tries to trade Cabbibe his Ebs action figure for what looks like a bag of Ring Dings.  I love ya, Jordan, but a bag of Ring Dings is a really good offer.

Back to the shoot, which took place on August 8.  How I managed not to see this for 11 days… the internet is full of marvels, people.  FULL.

Steven’s Clark Kent hair.

The idea of hockey players in national ad campaigns, during which people actually recognize them, makes me want to throw this keyboard out the window and walk to Canada.  It’s only 655km, according to Google Maps, which converts all measurements involving Canada to kilometers because it mistakenly assumes only Canadians wants to know the distance.  I want to know!  I don’t understand you!  (Calm and converted – it’s 407 miles.)

The only way this ad could be better is if it were for Mexicola and Intern Jeff Skinner guest-starred.  Then he brought us those Ring Dings.

So what would be a nice way to relax on this summer Friday?

How about chocolate truffles, golf, and Steven Stamkos in bright blue pants.

from Newfoundland Chocolate Company

The Official Pants of the Tampa Bay Lightning.  The only way this is better is if that mason jar is full of margarita.

Steven’s been playing a lot of golf this summer – he’s very serious about it and keeps a tee behind one ear.

Similarly ditched as he was at the RBC tournament, James Neal was air-drying his flow on the back nine…

While Steven was being interviewed about how to appropriately wear this summer’s neon fashion trend.

He’s doing it right.

These photos are from the Clowe Purcell Golf Tournament (as in RyanE and Teddy), which raised over $120k this year [link].  Well done, boys.  Check out the Twitter feed, @ClowePurcell.

Stammer took this opportunity to wear this:

Source: Twitter

What is this math?!  I see constants – hideous sponsor-required Nike belt, chunky shoes, mismatched patterns on hat and shirt – but they act like variables and combine to make a new result.  The sum of this bizarre equation is that Stamkos manages to wear it like the Batsuit and I would Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally the heck out of this, okay?

Stammer also used the power of his white pants to photobomb every single picture of Neal.

Source: Twitter

Normally the idea of a white belt makes me want to die, but this is considered very stylish on the golf course.  My dad would approve (of the belt.  Not James.  Look at his hair.)

James: Here I am, front and center.  Me: Hmmm?  Sorry, what?

Neal finally got one here – he’s being told he cannot pass any closer to Steven’s white pants, but at least we’re getting a look at his tattoos.  And that hair.

It appears Stammer never went back for James, because there are no more pictures of Neal.  Maybe he left to buy some white pants of his own.

I’m just going to…

… stand like this…

… maybe a little of this…

… pretend to be modest…

…. then surprise you all…

… and bask in the glow of your inevitable adoration.

In case you’re not convinced, or golf isn’t your thing, Steven is also available for parties.  Make that wedding receptions.  If this is the ‘something blue’ I’d like to borrow more pieces of it, please.  Can the bride object to her own wedding from the altar and say, “But I didn’t know he was going to wear THAT?”

Melissa would like it known that Teddy Purcell is also hot. 

I don’t think the first test of your wedding is meant to happen while the wedding is still going on.  I hope this is the picture on their thank you notes.

The boys also attended the Jay-Z/Justin Timberlake show in Toronto.  Who wouldn’t, right?  There’s always a chance JT is going to bust out the chorus of “Tearin’ Up My Heart” and then… wait.  That’s not why people go, is it?  Damn.

We’re giving this one to James.  The hair is magnificent.  And that’s very nearly a Lightning logo on your shirt – don’t take this bromance too far, okay?

]]> http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/07/25/chip-shots/feed/ 12 http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/06/28/dont-stop-the-pop/ http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/06/28/dont-stop-the-pop/#comments Fri, 28 Jun 2013 15:18:33 +0000 http://wuys.wpengine.com/?p=16963 Hockey is a taskmaster.  It does not care that we’ve put off our lives for the last six months.  It has no sympathy for my split ends, ragged cuticles or pile of overdue library books.  Hockey doesn’t pause just because Jonathan Toews is on a bender and I want to watch the Blackhawks parade.

Patrick Kane, two track mind.  Hockey and…

I need a break.

But hockey stops for no Pants.

Over the last few days some important things have happened.  It’s our job to keep you informed, and keep you from from turning on the TV in October and shouting, “What the hell, Vinny Lecavalier is a Dallas Star?!”

Lecavalier Buy Out

In 2009, the Lightning signed Vinny to an 11-year, $85 million contract.  Now in 2013, they are returning him to the store for a 33% refund.  Should’ve bought that at Nordstrom, they’re famous for buying back old tires.

Vinny’s offensive output has steadily declined over the past few years [stats] as injuries have mounted.  With 7 years left on his deal, the Lightning will have to pay him 2/3 of the remaining $45 million (or $29.7 million), plus guaranteed signing bonuses totaling $8 million [Cap Geek].  Yes – they’re still paying signing bonuses on this deal.  Good lord.  What the Bolts get back is $15+ million in salary plus the clean wipe of $7.727 million/year off their salary cap.

(Math admittedly done by Pants.  Corrections anyone?)

Stevie Y explained the move [story].  He failed to confirm if they’re investing the saved money in a cryogenic chamber for Marty St. Louis to sleep in all summer.

Alex Tanguay Back in Colorado

File Under: Things Only Pants Cares About

Not true!  This trade sent David Jones and Shane O’Brien to CGY for Alex and Cory Sarich.  Avs fans, do you love this?!  [These guys say yes!]

If you’re new to my mad ramblings, here’s a recap: Alex Tanguay is my lobster.  My LTHR (Long-Term Hockey Relationship).  I had a shirt that just says TANGUAY  made off some website in 2000.  In ’04 I scheduled an entire cross-country drive with my dad around seeing a game in Denver… and Alex didn’t even play!! I have never seen him play, in fact.  Love don’t need a reason, y’all.

Why would I be excited about seeing a player I love traded to the second-worst team in the NHL (last season)?  Nostalgia, really.  The way Alex played in Colorado.  Plus he came from Calgary and they weren’t doing much anyway.  Forsberg should’ve saved his brief comeback for this because reuniting the AMP line would have put me over the edge.

Also, I now feel less bad about rejoicing when Iginla went to the Penguins.

People Who Have Dumped Alex Tanguay for Sidney Crosby:

• Pants
• Jarome Iginla

Sorry, Tangs.  Welcome home.

Danny Briere Still Needs a Team

Nothing can happen until July 5, when Danny (and Bryz and Vinny) officially become free agents.  Until then, I’m just saying:

I’m an excellent tour guide.

Kris Letang Turns Down $54 million for 8 Years

And so the huge contracts catch up with everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Letang.  I love him on defense when it’s not this year in the playoffs.  This offer is a bargain compared to Shea Weber’s 14-year/$110 million contract and Ryan Suter’s $13-year/$98 million deal.

But read that Vinny Lecavalier part again.  Think about Luongo and Bryz and almost Ovechkin there for a second when it looked like $9.5 million a year was buying 35 goals.  Of course Kris wants a huge, long-term contract.  Right now, every team in the League sees these contracts as bricks being thrown through very expensive windows.  (Note: Per the new CBA, eight years is the max contract length for a player re-signing with his current team.  Seven years for a new team. [link]  Thanks Lindsay and Alison, who are reading the CBA for fun.)

“Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers.”

Mark Messier Leaves the Rangers

I was home in NY two weeks ago, reading a full page cover story on Mark Messier interviewing for the Rangers head coaching position.  The next day, Alain Vigneault got the job.  I laughed, because the timing was embarrassing and I hate the Rangers.  But I don’t hate Mark Messier.  He will join the team to build the Kingsbridge National Ice Center in the Bronx, NY, which will be the largest indoor ice complex in the world and boast nine skating rinks [link].

Sounds to me like a place they could have put the Islanders, if Brooklyn didn’t beat them to it.

The Coyotes Could Actually Move

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme….

No, no, really!  The City of Glendale, AZ will vote July 2 on a lease agreement for the Coyotes Arena (Jobing.com Arena).  If they okay the lease, the NHL can sell the team to an outfit that would keep it in AZ [story].  If they don’t, Bettman says there’s time to move the team before the start of next season.   That’s a 3 month window, without training camp.    They’ll be packing like a breakup, tossing everything out the window onto the lawn.  Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

More on the deal, including a clause that would let the new owners end & move the Coyotes in 5 years anyway, from Phoenix Business Journal.

What else is new?  I’m surely missing something, blogging on half-screen while watching the Blackhawks parade.  And that first Patrick Kane gif….

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

Alone in my car with Game Center Live radio playing on my phone, I yelled, “Hey girl, I’m Steven Stamkos!”

Not the 200th goal.

Stammer is the 4th youngest player to reach the 200 mark (Gretzky, Lemieux and Hawerchuck were younger).  It’s really impressive… now please stop reminding me that he’s 23.  Steven split the Rocket Richard trophy with Crosby in ’10 and won it himself last season.  He could be on his way to another with a League-leading 21 goals. The Rocket Richard Trophy has only been around since ’99 [link], and no one has won three.  (Selanne got 1 and Bure had 2 – both would have won 3 each if it had been introduced earlier).  Among active players, Iginla and Ovechkin have each won it twice. Did I mention #200 was an empty-netter?  Who cares?   You could celebrate by buying this limited edition Tissot Steven Stamkos watch in Lightning blue for $460.

Or spend $460 and get tickets to every Lightning game for a year (probably).

This morning, take a moment to applaud Stamkos’ achievement.

When there’s tailgating.

Us on a nicer day (next time).

The fantastic folks of @Section328 invited me and my friends to their pre-game party on our Raleigh Road Trip.  Rainy, cold weather could not stop them from setting up the tent and busting out the Chicken & Waffles potato chips.

Surprisingly good, but not as good as the pork tacos.

As promised, there was a game of cornhole… at which I was bad.  Roberto Luongo on a bad night bad.  No one made fun of me (out loud), which is like no one laughing at Jennifer Lawrence for falling up the Oscar stairs.  So polite.

@MattyDTX trying to coach me.

Leigh showing Michelle (and everyone) how Raleigh girls do it right.

“Little Baby” Intern Jeff Skinner did not make an appearance at our party, but that’s just because he couldn’t have dessert – alcoholic chocolate pudding. Perfect for the school lunchbox.  (Patron XO in the pudding, Baileys in the whipped cream.)

It’s so good you might want to hog it all, no matter how gross that looks.

Derek at last call.

We eventually did make it inside, I promise.  PNC Arena is really nice and we had great seats for the game – perfectly situated between center ice and the nearest stand for $1 hot dog night.

Too bad Intern Jeff Skinner accidentally texted Stamkos instead of Staal (they’re right next to each other in his Contacts) to say we’d be there, watching and cheering.

The message was definitely received, because Steven scored this goal.  That could be me behind the glass, flipping my hair and thinking, “Don’t look, don’t look, just be cool”  while inside you’re in the front row at a 1D concert.

Tampa Bay won the game 5-2.  There was a lot of mismatched-size hugging while Eric made this face:

Good thing we always have fun even if we lose (or I’d never make it as a Caps fan).  If you’re ever in Carolina or planning a hockey road trip, hit up Section 328’s party.  They will not let you down.  Until then, read their blog for all your “informative hockey snark” needs.

Leigh, Derek, me, Mike. I think we were saying “Skinner!”

It’s Canes vs. Caps tonight, and the DC return of Alex Seminsssnnnooorrre.  I could not care less.  I’d like to see the Staals again, but I have to work.  And there’s no one to spike my dessert.

Thank you, @Section328!

Staring down opponents?

Scoring 60?

Making sure your name is on the Rocket Richard trophy… twice?

Admiring goalies even as your ruin their GAAs?

Relaxing?

Pants-optional shoveling?

Jumping ridiculously high?

Reading WUYS?

Yeah, that’s the one.  Happy birthday, Stammer!

The Lightning have more goals than any team this season (40).  Steven has 7 of those goals (tied for 3rd overall) and 16 total points (2nd overall).

They take their 6-3 record into NJ tonight at 7 PM.  Last year, Stamkos scored one goal on his birthday.  This year, let’s wish bigger. 

Memory Lane:

Birthday Boy: Steven Stamkos (2012),

Birthday Boy: Steven Stamkos (2011)

This week’s honoree –

Ryan Malone

Here are the stats on Mr. Malone –

• Born in Pittsburgh on December 1, 1979.  Not only is he perfectly age-appropriate for Pants and I, we’re also pretty sure he loves maple bacon donuts. (BONUS!)
• a strapping 6’4″ and 219 lbs. This is not a boy. This is a MAN.
• 1st Pittsburgh area native to play for the Pens
• He wears #12 in honor of his dad, Greg, who also played in the NHL
• Career stats: 560 games played. 347 points (168 G, 179 A). A -45 +/- rating (way harsh, man). 600 minutes of shame. 24 game winning goals.

Now onto the real (and way more fun) Foxy Friday stats…

1. Ryan is affectionately know as “Busgy”.  As in Bugsy Malone. You know, that classic gangster movie acted out entirely by children and starring Scott Baio and Jodie Foster.  (Yes, this is a real movie. No, I’m not joking. Watch the entire film here)

2. He’s got this sort of Hey-Dude-Brah-Matthew-McConaughey thing going on and it is pretty damn endearing.  All that missing is a surf board and photos of him shirtless on the beach in Malibu.  Bongo playing optional.

JK Livin’, man.

3. That “Yo-Adrian-Rocky-Balboa  smile.

4. I like a man whose not afraid to show us how much he loves us.

5. He’s got sweet dance moves. Watch out, Justin Timberlake.

I’m bringing sexy back. Yeah!

6. He’s got famous Foxy Friday friends.

Geno: “This is how we say I love you in Russia.”

anything more presh than Stamkos’ face? I think not.

7. The tattoos.  Pants doesn’t like ’em, but I love them.  They’re pretty and colorful and completely distracting.

8. Although he is supporting the Evil Empire, I’m going to cut him some slack.  But ONLY because he has excellent flow and keeps excellent company. #longhairdontcare

9. Watch out, James Neal, Claude Giroux, & Don Cherry. Ryan is giving you a run for your money. #plaidsuit

10. He’s got a GGB – a GLORIOUS  ginger beard. Fingers crossed that the Lightning go far in the playoffs so we can see it in all its wonder.

11. Sometimes, he rocks a mustache.  And I don’t hate it.  Not even one little bit.  He actually sort of works on him.

So there you have it, folks – Ryan Malone, this week’s Foxy Friday. Another worth addition to the Foxy Friday Fraternity.

He’s fuzzy.

He’s tatted up.

He looks like he’d be a whole lot of fun at your pool party.

And he’ll make you fall in love in with him.

Hey Gurl….

Remember that one parent with the plastic comb that “fixed” everyone’s hair on school picture day?  That parent was absent from the Penguins locker room.

I just woke up and why are there girls here?

I just woke up and where is Lazy?

I just woke up and yeah, I look pretty good.

Meanwhile, all capable Pens grow light brown facial hair.  That’s an order.

Vitale, Orpik and even Paul Martin, looking a little like Justin Timberlake, no?

The Blackhawks must have had a big night out before their photos.  This has Walk of Shame written all over it.

Vampires are passé now, Seabs.

But not Toews.  He doesn’t like fun.  He wakes up every morning looking like the high school quarterback who never signed your yearbook, just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.

I don’t know what happened to Viktor Stalberg here, but this picture isn’t even on Tumblr.  It’s been shunned by the church and we don’t talk about it anymore.

The Capitals, oh man.  Should I be worried that this half of the team:

Pink edit,but I couldn’t find Brooksy anywhere else!

.. isn’t friends with this half of the team?  Because friends don’t let friends get photographed like this.

Then again, has anyone told Mike Green?  I will submit this whole blog to “What Not to Wear.”  Exhibit One: From last year to this year…

I am 99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata.

Tampa Bay obviously has the right idea about photos in general, what with the beaches and the shirtless and the flexing.  But here, Vinny has never looked so French.  He’s the mean food critic from Ratatouille.

Tom Pyatt has the look I get when trying to remember if he’s Tom or Taylor.

And of course, from the Jonathan Toews School of Upstaging Everyone:

Hey girl, let me help you with that yoga pose.

Now that Ebs & Hall have As up in Edmonton, RNH can’t figure out who he should be listening to.

I’m smiling. Smiling’s cool.

Don’t smile. Smiling is for losers.

Mom and Dad, stop fighting!

I can’t deal with the Hurricanes right now.  The Southeast Division is too crowded with people I love for Jordan Staal to be both Jordan Staal AND be in this jersey.  He needs to pick one.

Because there’s already Intern Jeff Skinner.  Look how proud he is of that hair.

It’s not surprising the Rangers run a tight ship.  Like the Yankees before them, their grooming standards are top notch and they don’t let just anybody in looking homeless and hungover.  Looking foxy is very serious in NYC.

I don’t see new shots of Nash & Richards, so I’m holding out hope we can mess up their hair first.

Update: All the Rangers photos. We didn’t get there in time beat slicked-back. (Thanks Beth!)

I’m not going through the Senators roster because frankly, I don’t know them well enough.  I do know that when 95% of your team is smiling for the camera, like they’re actually really excited, that I get excited too.  Overall best in show so far, Ottawa – except that one guy circled below.  Party pooper.

A quick search for San Jose yielded only one photo – but it’s enough.  Just put this down for every name on the roster.  Brent Burns appears to be guest-starring on Sponge Bob Square Pants or Moonshiners.

Cosmopolitan’s Hottest Shark, folks:

More teams as the photos continue to roll in!