John Tavares, middle school science teacher, registered tax lawyer and upholder of dad-styles, scores to tie the game with 53 seconds left, giving his team the chance to clinch their first playoff series victory in 23 years.

Just when you think it's over…#FLAvsNYI #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/hoetdpkeEI

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

Then John wins the game in double OT – which is waaaaaay past his bedtime, y’all.

John Tavares IS Captain Clutch. #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/sKMZzymhJv

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

The Empire State Building says “Hey Brooklyn”, while the tears of Rangers’ fans fuel my sweetest dreams.

Orange and red look really similar at 100 floors, but…

There is hugging.

I hoped they were going to do the Lift from Dirty Dancing.

And, as ever with John, helmet hair.

And front page news is made.

Okay, it’s back-page news, but on a tabloid. #same

Now when we write a Disney movie based on this blog, it’ll just be clips of last night.

I hope John celebrated wildly after the win. That he rushed out without even ironing his shirt collar, then drank ice tea, but in a pint glass so it looked like beer.

#protip

As mentioned, the Isles last won a playoff series in 1993. As a Pens fan, I remember this victory – it ended Pittsburgh’s bid for a third-straight Cup. John does not remember: he was 2 years old. I consoled myself by blasting The Bodyguard soundtrack and singing along to Whitney Houston in the shower – because it was the #1 album, and I wasn’t old enough to drive.

Was there a vote? I missed it.

I’ll soon be back to work, hoping every team (that isn’t mine) loses every single game. Two losers per series, zero winners, except the Penguins. Such is my playoff bloodlust that I would bend the rules of reality to my will. But for now, I’m taking a moment to be happy for John, because you know this is his wildest, lifelong dream of an aw-shucks moment.

Internally screaming

It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

What is this gif? I’ve been watching it for 20 mins and I’m crying.

HI GUYS! Remember me? I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet and go over half a season of hockey that I’ve mostly missed. How does this happen? My life is like space in Interstellar, where time barely passes, while hockey and this blog remain on Earth, getting 80 years older every day without me.

So, All-Star Game?

Is anyone watching this? I kinda sorta almost totally forgot about it until someone mentioned John  Tavares’ pants.

@JennMJones531 to the rescue.

That will get my attention, even from space.

Mixing space movie metaphors!! (Spends five hours looking at Matt Damon gifs.)

So, Crosby didn’t get invited. That’s old news. I wrote a mental blog post called “10 Things Sid Can Do Instead of the ASG”, which was quite funny.  You should read it sometime when you develop mind-reading powers.  Or tomorrow, if I get around to posting it.

The newer news is Ovi and Toews are hurt/sick and also suspended. The NHL sure knows how to cry when the whole class doesn’t come to their party.

Truth hurts, ASG.

Alas, with no drunken draft, most of the fun is gone from the weekend anyway. The NHL has realized this too late and made some replacement efforts to attract our attention:

1) Made John Tavares captain. He probably suggested this Footloose-inspired sobriety nonsense, for fear a real charitable organization might think Ovi was actually poor and needed a new car. The paperwork on that tax headache!  But it does mean more camera time for Captain T and the Pleated Pants.

Does this data come in a pie chart?

2) Dierks Bentley. HOLLER. I love country music, and Dierks is a big Preds fan, and everybody likes tight jeans. He’ll be one of the celeb coaches at the game.

We would get drunk on this plane.

3) All the Foxy Fridays. Damn if they didn’t replace Toews with James Neal. The NHL knew I wasn’t paying attention and just waved a red ginger flag in my face.

endsmile

Add that to Pekka Rinne, Shea Weber and all-time FF fave, Roman Josi, and the home team is, um, well represented.  Other Foxy Fridays on the roster: Jamie Benn, Matt Duchene, Patrick Kane, Tyler Seguin, Jonathan Quick, Patrice Bergeron, Ryan O’Reilly, Ben Bishop, Claude Giroux, holy crap are we there yet?, Evgeni Malkin, the aforementioned John Tavares, CPA, His Disney Highness Kris Letang, Ryan McDonaugh and Braden Holtby.

Answer: Making Pants hate herself.

Note: Stamkos, #TeamHall and Nicky Backstrom have never been Foxy Fridays. This blog is a sham. Shut it down.

What kind of irresponsible journalism is this?!

4) 3-on-3 Format. I won’t pretend to have an opinion on this, as I’ve watched approximately one OT period all season, but it sounds exciting. Top players + more open ice = more goals, right? But hasn’t the All-Star Game always ended in some Hobbit score of twelveses to eleventy anyway? Maybe the “last place in the draft” prize can be repurposed to the only player who doesn’t score a hat trick on Sunday.

Ovi wasn’t last, but someone did give him a car to donate to charity.

5) The John Scott story. Voted into the ASG by fans, then traded and assigned to the AHL, the saga of whether or not John Scott would appear in the ASG has been ongoing news. Yesterday, Scott published this first person account in The Player’s Tribune. In it, he explains how someone from the NHL encouraged him, even now, not to attend this weekend’s events.

SCREW YOU, NHL. Wrong, bad, stupid, and also, WHY? John Scott may be the only player who actually cares about this game, and you think he should stay home? Do you think the fans who voted him in should not watch? Oh no, you want them. You NEED them.

She’ll be proud.

Read the Player’s Tribune story. It will make you want to buy a John Scott jersey and stand up in your living room when he takes the ice on Sunday. I hope every player shows up wearing his name. You may not like Scott’s brand of hockey, but it is part of hockey. Scott may not be an elite player, but he is a player. Was a player? Will be an NHL player again? Who knows. But if you love the game, you have to love it’s scars.

So, see you guys tomorrow night on the Twitters to techno-judge the real skills at Skills Competition: hair, beard, sass? Our trifecta of All-Star Weekend talents.

John Tavares, Prince of Khakis, may be second in perfection only to Cabbie, who seems to have a live feed of my inner monologue running in his comedy lair. He always knows exactly what everyone will find funny – the players, the fans, my inner teenybopper.

Hipsters are so hip they’re really not very hip at all anymore. Even beards are so ubiquitous they are becoming passe. While trends may come and go, one thing never changes: John Tavares.

First of all, he is wearing khakis. Witness him in his natural habitat:

Secondly, his teeth are PERFECT. Too perfect, and at a little fake, since we did see him pull a few out on TV that time. I haven’t been so dazzled since Hilary Duff got veneers.

In the interview, John claims he’s a good wingman. I bet this is true. He is profoundly handsome, the better for distract any girl’s friend(s), but – let’s be honest – not everyone wants to talk about compound interest with a guy who offers to buy them a white wine spritzer. (I do, though. I really do.)

But if you’re into middle school science teachers (::raises hand::), please note and praise that John is at least not wearing white socks. A lot of work goes into these outfits, people. And then there are his loafers.

Loafers. Dear Lord.

Photo from BarDown.com

A true gentleman, John is game for every joke fired at his gosh-darnedness. From the NHL Awards to this… if John were faking the nice guy act, he’d be an Oscar-winner. And now, the glasses:

Objection: We love glasses. [Exhibit A – Foxy Friday: Glasses] Cabbie gets a demerit for choosing terrible glasses that most hipsters wouldn’t even wear. Maybe he was worried John would look even more scholarly and Halloween sales of schoolgirl costumes in Canada would skyrocket. I happen to think a nice pair of rectangle frames would look great while John reads a textbook on sedimentary strata of the Cretaceous period.

Finally, because he had to, the man bun. Was this wig part of a hipster costume? It better resembles a samurai wig… or me every day right now on Sunday.

Thank God we can be sure John will never become a hipster. He may panic when he realizes not a single Brooklyn retailer has sold khakis since ’99, or, if the Isles play well, maybe khakis will become hip. Maybe polo shirts and the word “gosh” will pervade an ironic subculture. Either way, no one will pull it off as perfectly as John.

PS: John is sick, and missed both games this weekend. I imagine him weakly ripping up his spreadsheet on which calculated the usefulness of a flu shot. Get well soon! Try the wheatgrass-kale-cardamom latte with echinacea boost, it’s ayurvedic.

When I saw this:

My first thought was:

Then my interfriends kindly informed me this was from a commercial – an actual mini movie – in which other such ovary-punching moments are included.

What was that you said?

Yeah, that’s what I heard.

Lindsay’s expert analysis of this photo: “The lighting is all 90’s, reminds me of The Cutting Edge.”

If Sid scraps the scuff, he could be Doug Dorsey for Halloween.

Sportsnet always has good hockey content (compared to the US, who doesn’t?), and I love their new campaign. Apparently the players love it too – and they don’t want to leave.

These are all things Intern Jeff Skinner thought he’d be doing when he signed up to work at WUYS.

Throwing away Penguins and Bruins-looking hockey paraphenalia, pretending it smells.

Ping pong and video games, while growing his hair out. Can you see the promise of a man-bun lurking here? Headman and Doughty are one real opponent away from asking to borrow a hair tie. (And being told no, because no.)

Fixing things with athletic tape – Jeff actually does this, though we requier duct tape because we have standards and you can buy duct tape with Minions or Justin Beiber printed on it. If he could roll some duct tape into a hair tie, we might concede the man-bun.

Eating french fries. As if there are any fries left when Intern Jeff finishes getting our lunches. He’s on a strict diet of orange slices and Capri Sun like the rest of the kids on his school bus. Plus, Tyler Seguin eats fries like he’s asking Leonardo DiCaprio to draw his nude portrait in Titanic. That is how you get us to share our floating door in the North Sea, friends.

Napping. We don’t let Intern Jeff sleep on the job, but we will let him carry in the new couch we just ordered in case Crosby ever shows up here. And none of this standard-cushion-size stuff, we went for the oversize, extra-sturdy, big & tall model. Cros can hardly fit his backside on SportsNet’s little sofa.

(Bonus: Unintentional slightly early screencap that defines my life.)

Hey, if that doesn’t work out for Intern Jeff Skinner, he could always get  gig helping out at Sportsnet:

Here’s some BTS from what look like a lot more Sportsnet commercials yet to come…

Behind-the-scenes, we like to put hockey's brightest stars like @RealStamkos91, @dewyy8 and @ErikKarlsson65 to work. https://t.co/8eel944LY3

— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) September 21, 2015

Trust that if ever Crosby doesn’t look sweaty enough for something, this is not how we’re going to fix it:

One more, to illustrate me trying to leave my desk today when people keep sending more things to blog about:

The #NHL's #BrightestStars have the on-ice skills down, but we're still working on their acting chops. #outtakes https://t.co/M9YCgpzVw5

— Sportsnet (@Sportsnet) October 1, 2015

Bear with us as I have no idea how to use some new WordPress features and these pictures look a little drunk.

I have high hopes for a pirate Halloween costume.

Take this in: Sidney Crosby woke up on roster photo day and did not shave. Good gosh. He probably ironed the folds in his living room curtains, ate a PB&J at exactly 8:07 AM, put his clothes on in order of threadcount, but he did not shave. Crazy, right?

No. Because everyone’s doing it.

And for JT, I’m thinking Indiana Jones for Halloween.

Literally everyone. John Tavares, who are you? Is that a kinda-beard? For someone who doesn’t know what hipsters are, you’re looking pretty… pretty. Like a pumpkin spice latte wrapped in a houndstooth scarf that insists on riding its bike until the first snow falls. Gotta get to that middle school science class you’re teaching!

You know, Indiana Jones was a kind of science teacher.

Please let scruff be this season’s thing. We’ve had long hair and tattoos creeping toward necks-slash-featuring graveyards and… #ScruffWatch2015, please. A season-long build up to BeardWatch could be just the inspiration we all need!

Right guy, wrong movie.

Here are links if you’re the type to enjoy a HUGE version of Sid’s photo. Just give up, everyone else. (There appear to be a few pixels missing right under his nose. Clearly a Flyers fan Photoshop hack, yes?)  Here’s the entire Penguins headshot gallery.

Also enjoy the Islanders roster, looking monochromatically dramatic.

These pictures are gigantic. You could make a life-sized cardboard cutout of John Tavares… and marry it. (I say “you” because I am already married. Is it polygamy to marry a photo? What if it just rides shotgun while I drive in the carpool lane?)

“Listen up Fives, a Ten is speaking.”

[Note: I can’t find a single .gif of Princess Unikitty from The Lego Movie saying, “Marry a marshmallow!” and my despair nearly derailed this whole post.]

As promised.

For heaven’s sake, even Kessel is rocking a gingerbeard, because he reads important news sources like this blog. Let the makeover begin.

Make that a Pittsburgh Ten

Welcome to our annual playoff predictions, where Chuck selects teams based on actual hockey things and Pants make wishes on shiny pennies. (note from Pants: Amazingly, we have about the same track record. Maybe I learn things through texting with her.)

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Senators

Chuck: Senators. I know their late season surge is partially responsible for the Bruins not making the playoffs, but come on, people.  There is no way in seven hells that I’m rooting for the Canadiens to win.  Plus the Sens have momentum on their side – they won their last three games vs the Habs and they are riding the hot glove of the Hamburgler.

Pants: WHO CARES? No, really. I think the Habs will win because Carey Price. And I hope they will win because they are predictable when faced by a next-round opponent who could by one of my teams. The Sens have lived up to their “pesky” reputation time and again, and I don’t have the stomach for their upswings now.

Lightning vs. Red Wings

Chuck: Lightning. A deep forward corps and young guns like Palat & Kucherov give the Bolts eletricity in the scoring department.  Foxy Friday Brian Boyle is holding down the 4th line, scored 15 goals, and has even played shifts of defense. We love guys that can multitask. But the thought of losing the Zetterbeard so early in the playoffs….

Not okay.

Pants: Uh, Lighting. Apologies to @lm1485‘s grandmother and the stuffed duck on her porch who wears a Red Wings jersey, but the Wings are on the downward slope away from the top of the League.  We know what it’s like to look around and suddenly, everyone else is 25.

Rangers vs. Penguins

Chuck: Rangers.  NYR went b***s to the wall at the trade deadline and made some very strategic moves to complete their roster.  Rick Nash has been his best against the Pens this season with 7 points over 4 games (3 of which the Rangers won).  Add in the the 1-2 goaltending punch of Lundqvist and Talbot, and the Rangers are a force that should put other East teams on notice.

Pants: PENGUINS. If I learned anything from Grease, it was: what skipping a period meant it was: if I can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Short of lacing up some skates and toe picking my way out there to hold a &$%#ing lead myself (I considered this), the only solution is to focus my energy into a laser beam of love and intention – hopefully one that can move the puck away from the Pens’ net. Maybe instead of watching Grease, I should have kept watching Star Wars. Also, if I haven’t mentioned it in five minutes, I hate the Rangers.

Capitals vs. Islanders

Chuck:  Push.  These teams have not met in the playoffs since 1993 so you know that this is going to be some hype. Islanders are moving out of Nassau Coliseum at the end of this season so that might make give this series and playoffs some extra gravitas, but I think that these teams are pretty evenly matched. High-powered captains? Check. Goaltending? Check. Puck possession teams? Check.  This one is gonna be gooood. #BuckleUp

Pants: Capitals yaaaaaaaaas. But why does this have to be? Why can’t I just want John Tavares and his pleated khaki, double-strapped backpack, tucked-in shirt and first day of school haircut to win in the playoffs? Still, I don’t. As I wrote about in my guide to liking more than one team, you need to prioritize and stick to your guns. Even when the other gun looks like this:

Screencap of My Life by @ambitiouspants

Capitals, don’t make me regret this.

Who are your 1st round picks? Comment below!

I know. We have been everywhere except in front of our computers lately, or honestly in front of TVs watching hockey. Who vacations in the spring? Fools! I looked at my calendar and all of a sudden:

1. It’s almost April.
2. The Penguins have 9 games left.

I AM ALARMED.

It’s my own fault, except for the part that is the Penguins’ fault for losing 5 of 6 including one OT game. In March. I would have felt implosive rage except I was on the beach reading Eat, Pray, Love for the third time, so I trust you guys felt my share. Now, it’s time to…

Looking at the standings makes me want to barf. Trying to figure out who’s got in-conference games, games in hand, four-point games… someone hold my hair. I know it’s a selfish panic, because at least the Pens are currently in playoff standing. It could be worse.

I love Chuck, but man, I hate the Bruins so much and it’s every woman for herself down the stretch. I’m jumping over dead bodies like I need to beat a zombie to Terminus.

Note: The Bruins are not dead, but who the &$#@ thought Ottawa would win seven in a row? Sometimes, you just want to:

Anyway, I have my own problems, and they look like TWO MORE GAMES VS. THE FLYERS. That is high drama and TV ratings gold, but holy hell. My head might spin clean around. I can’t even comprehend the Rangers being first in the Metro – and by eight points! Islanders, you had one job!

That is not the job I’m talking about! GAH.

So here we go, down the stretch, with claws out and no mercy. Please let the Penguins pass the Isles, the Caps make the playoffs, the Rangers lose every remaining game, Crosby win the scoring race and Tavares need a hug afterward.

You guys with us?

Jeez, is anyone else hungry? I could stress-eat two who pizzas right now.

Firing squad awaits the cannon

Thanks to the players who really came to play – not play like they do in competition every day, but the fun kind where the fans get to play along.  Specifically, thank you because:

You looked great.

You should see my shoes.

Really great.

No, they’re my shoes.

Like “This Foxy Friday will be used against you in a court of law” great.

18 and counting

You made new friends.

No one can resist the plaid jacket.

You saw old friends.

First rule of red carpets: Don’t arrive right after Seguin.

And trolled them.

“Hi Chuck.” “No – Hello Chuck.”

You talked a lot of trash.

No one at NHL had a real notebook.

You took a selfie.

Do you see something behind me?

You got drunk.

It was this guy.

You forgot your new friend’s name.

Also, I don’t know where Long Island is.

He forgave you. Mostly.

:: internal eye roll ::

You took more selfies.

Just add kids!

You didn’t win a car.

Because you didn’t pass the sobriety test.

Then you did win a car! But you weren’t the only one.

#RNHAllStarStud

Either way, you won our hearts.

Right in the ovaries.

Even if just for a moment.

My hatred is no match for this moment of perfection.

Even if you weren’t the MVP.

We would never get your name wrong.

Most of all you made us forget all the guys who weren’t there, from the Subban-type snubs to the Crosby-esque casualites. Maybe the weekend could have been even better… but we didn’t miss them.  So thanks for this weekend, and see you next year in Nashville.

Why yes, I’ll tune in.

I didn’t get to see the show, but it re-airs Friday at 10:30 PM.  Verizon Fios carries MSG almost everywhere, so I’ll finally get my million-dollar cable bill’s worth!

For now, I’ll survive on these clips – MSG: Beginnings

The club can’t even handle me right now.

I’m 30 seconds into the first clip – John goes back to his primary school – and I’ve died 211 times. (Shorter but much higher-res version of clip here.)

Who picked out this shirt? Is it made of wrapping paper? Pay them.  John walks around, frowning modestly and pointing at things.

Here’s the “Most Likely to Wear Khakis as an Adult” plaque.

He narrates, which puts me right into a coma, but that’s cool because the last thing I saw were his calves so you can just let me sleep a while.

And here’s the “Best at Tucking in My Shirt” banner.

John was obviously good at every sport, which you know because he doesn’t say so. He casually picks up a basketball, remarks how long it’s been since he played, then sinks 10 three-pointers in a row.

He shoots…

I may be exaggerating to compensate for the way John downplays everything, or because his t-sleeve can’t fit over the golfer’s tan on his bicep.

He scores.

There’s also a clip of John reminiscing on going into the OHL at 15 years old, and having his jersey retired by Oshawa last season.  His mom makes an appearance. Where is her award, for raising the only guy in the world who doesn’t seem to realize that John Tavares is John Tavares?  He really has no idea, right?

Gee, is that what I look like?

Yeah, it is.

On second thought, I think John knows a little.  Exhibits from the JT Gif Hall of Fame:

Chosen by @RoseTintedVisor

Chosen by @RealScarlett01

Chosen by Pants (mine and yours)

Right before this show aired last night, the Isles shut out the Rangers to take over first place in the Eastern Conference.  Not a bad preview before your movie, Tavares.  John leads the team in goals (19) and points (39).  His next game is Friday vs. the Penguins. Maybe we can get a repeat of this:

We guess what they were talking about when this was taken.

#sorryhesnotsorry

This year I donated on the promise that Mr. Pants would spare us all from his attempt. [Donate here]  Ever the joiners, some of our favorite hockey players could not be persuaded by the same argument.

Does this mustache make my jersey look 80s?

The Sidstache continues its bi-annual tradition of failing to ruin Crosby’s face.

Twitter is our confessional.

For a guy I’m willing to guarantee has never seen an adult film, John Tavares’ mustache is alarmingly licentious.  Give it a week to darken and a glass of scotch, it’ll be straight off Paul Rudd’s face in Anchorman.

Sex Panther (Yes, I really typed that.)

Like our favorite season – playoff beards – Movember is a time when any hockey player can shine.  The enthusiasm is fueled by charity, rivalry and selfies taken up one’s own nose.

crashzoom

Winnik’s mustache is pretty spectacular, but Komarov is no slouch.  Did we say get these mustaches off?  Rescind.  Let these babies grow.

It’s so heavy, he can’t stand up.

Chuck wanted to hire Eddie Lack as our new intern, then Intern Jeff Skinner saw his Movember face and sighed with relief.  This does not work for free.

Time for a trim, Eddie.

She’d have had better luck with Montreal’s Brendan Gallagher, who could get a dollar for every hair in this mustache and still need to borrow five bucks for lunch.

Soul patches may result in disqualification

But it’s not the result that count. It’s the effort and collective knowledge that no one, in any year, can ever really win Movember.  Because let’s face it, not even 2014 Beard of the Year and Stanley Cup winner Jeff Carter can really rock a mustache.  He’s just standing in this hallway, waiting for D’Artagnan to arrive for their duel.

Also resembling this guy from Justified.

Who’s rocking your favorite facial hair this month?  With two weeks to go, who else will finish strong?

Compared to Sid, Hank and Toews all doing the casual leanback, these guys are more nervous and eager.  They’re all sitting forward, shoulders up – they even mimic each other’s postures with their hands.  A therapist would have a field day with all the mutual admiration and trying to fit in going on here.

Is this a restaurant? Is this on the menu?

Of course their outfits match too, light button-downs all around.  If this were a dinner, the waitress would be spilling water on everyone.

No kidding, that’s where I bought my shirt!

So, John’s teeth aren’t really fixed.  Claude didn’t bother with his false tooth.  Tyler is perfect, because he’s Tyler – and he’s really likable in this interview.  It’s possible I never considered that before.  Sorry other guys, but the Western Conference is taking top marks with only half the seats at these roundtables.

[Note from Chuck: Oh, Tyler. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. I’m a sucker for a guy’s hands and the way that he was talking with them and resting them oh so casually on his biceps throughout the interview – killing me… killing me softly.]

Charming. Hide your wives and girlfriends.

John, of course, is so, so square.  How can you not love this guy?!  ‘Mild mannered’ doesn’t begin to describe it.  No one on his team showboats.  No play haunts him.  According to Giroux, he is a terrible trash talker. He says “fustration” (no ‘r’) and takes any opening to dig at Giroux.  He obviously combed his own hair for this interview and probably has a coat and tie in his bag just in case.

Focus on the sound of my voice.

Jana (@jstefanc) said it best: “It’s so weird to see a teacher outside of school.”

From the archives, a picture of 14-year old John in media training:

This’ll sound great on TV.

[Note from Chuck: No media training for Tyler?  That explains so much. Did the Bruins not have one?  Had I know, I totally would have Katniss-ed that.]

For all the ginger glory, Claude needs to decide what he’s doing with this hair.  Long or parted.  You can’t pick both, not on one head at the same time.  We love the curls and the color but it’s time to commit.

Looks fine under a helmet!

The best part of this, the most revealing difference from the other interview, is how they all reach for the snacks the moment it’s over.

Cheetos for everyone.

Cheat day!!

We could go for more of these, if Strombo is free.  Or he could join in the Google Hangouts that Lindsay, Alison and I do where we watch two hockey games a piece and all talk over each other in shouty caps.

Photo credit: Ryan Pfieffer/Metroland

Does this marshmallow cloud have seat belts? Otherwise all the kittens are going to fall off.

Photo credit: Ryan Pfieffer/Metroland

It used to be there was nothing better than John’s humble awkwardness (which lives on, of course):

At least you can’t see my bowl cut.

Now we also get this:

Plaid suit, because John takes notes.

Apparently John did summer training with Ralph Lauren.  While he wasn’t doing squats, he must have been tying windsors and choosing lapel cuts because yes.  100%.  This suit is so good, I assume PK Subban picked it out.

Can Crosby go to this camp? (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

In 223 games over four seasons with the Generals, John scored 183 goals and a total of 453 points. 453 points?! He had a 72 goal season in ’06-07. This back the day when footwork and skating were openly discussed problems in John’s game, which he worked on relentlessly until, well, you can watch him now.

Vintage.

I will openly discuss that I don’t need more good teams in the League. I have enough Metropolitan Division problems and the Penguins have Islander problems even when no one else does. But please, someone field John a team that is deeper than one line and figure out how to keep it together. I want to see more prom-style award acceptance photos.

This guy.  (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

The Islanders season kicks of October 10 in Carolina.  Could this be JT’s year?

#agreed

TWO scoops of ice cream.  Go crazy.

John turns 35 today… kidding, he’s 24.  Yes, in human years.  This clearly demonstrates why the Prime Minister of Canada only has to be 18, while President of the United States must be 35.  We just don’t make ’em like John down here.

Sid looks jealous.

Way back in March 2012, we featured John as Foxy Friday.  We dig the ‘hot middle school science teacher’ vibe, and let’s be honest – we need someone to file our taxes. Since then, we’ve spent many a post discussing tucked-in shirts, how nervous John gets when interviewed by a woman and that time he was selected Islanders Captain and said “heck” in his speech.

This is me being cool.

John is the perfect blend of awkward and awesome, of boy-next-door and we-grew-up-in-the-wrong-town.  If we ever go back to school, we’ll just print this blog out and hand it in as our senior thesis on John’s choice of pants.

Before.

He’d appreciate our use of the Scientific Method.

After.

Editor’s note to self for next blog: it’s tough to search posts about “pants” when you call yourself “Pants.”  But all talk of pants is good.

How you doin’?

Since being hurt in Sochi last year, John missed the end of a very promising season.  We can’t wait for him to come back in all his dorky glory, hair sticking out the top of his helmet, and give Crosby a run for the Hart.

That’s right, I said it.

May this be the season when Googling “John Tavares gif”:

This guy.

Gives you only John and no other hockey players.

What about me?

Because he’s worth it.

Beat it, it’s MY birthday!

So Happy Birthday, John Tavares and happy almost-hockey season to us!

We can’t keep a straight face either.

Bless Snapchat.

We weren’t in the right place at the right time (never are!), but that doesn’t stop us from guessing that John and Sid were talking about in this hallway:

– Belts

– “Are your trousers slim cut? ” “No, all my pants fit this way.”

– Is John’s taking fashion tips from the oddly disheveled Trivago commercial guy?

– “Did you see that WWII/digging of the Panama Canal/how to build a Greek trireme special on History Channel?”  (Kidding, you know they watch Ancient Aliens.)

– How right-handed John does anything with his watch on his right wrist.

– Still belts.

– If you don’t recognize John without his full name, report to WUYS for detention.

– “I wonder what Pants will say when she sees this photo?”

“And if I don’t get what I want…”

– If Sid really had been arrested, would this have been his mugshot?

Noted criminal Sidney Crosby

– In addition to teaching science, John is in charge of the middle school Thanksgiving play. What does Sid think of these Pilgrim shoes?

It bugs him not to stand right on the X.

– Was shirtless beer pong discussed at this meeting?

“So I invited said her friend could join us…”

– In his tenure as the Dork King, John has ever looked as dorky as this?

First day of school

Is this the tightest shirt Crosby owns, or if there are more?

Made of Kevlar.

Why the Isles don’t have a PR person who takes pictures like this?  (Do they want one?  I might know somebody.)

This life, so hard.

No, really.  Pens PR Snapchatted this when the day was over.  Someone give this woman a raise, lands and title, crown, etc.

I’d get fired for taking this picture.

– Did this made John nervous?  More or less nervous than when we watch him at warmups?

That hair out of place at the back though.

This is going to be the best season, I can feel it.  Then next summer, Sid & John will take their blossoming bromance on tour like Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake, discussing  sound investment strategies and fancy stats in a city near you.

Man, I really need it to be October already.

Hockey!
Cross-training!
Tyler Seguin slow-motion water bottle squeeze!

Wearing a shirt makes him thirsty.

This year’s captains are Tyler, Michael Del ‘I Am Employed’ Zotto, Wayne Simmonds and Michael Cammalleri, who has been 35 years old for eight seasons.  Seriously, someone look into that.

In Hollywood years, I’m 27.

These videos always make working out look really fun, like elementary school Field Day plus sleeve tattoos and social media.  It makes you want to pursue education and get a real job, like this:

Overlooking MDZ’s ponytail in the name of science.

#CAMP is also your chance to pay attention to some up-and-comers and prospects.  You can see the draft, full team rosters and more photos here: TSN Bar Down.

Editors’ note: Was there something on that page below this?

NopeNopeFlyersNope.

Notable absences include Steven Stamkos, who is reportedly nursing an injury that kept him off the ice at last week’s Barrie Colts event, James Neal and Intern Jeff Skinner, who is making copies in the other room.

Without those guys, I don’t know that I can call Camp Biosteel my favorite part of the summer.  Obviously there are pluses (and biceps), including Biosteel’s enthusiastic use of social media and the fact their beverage probably helps with hangovers.  The main competitor, Andy O’Brien’s Travelling Circus, is not likely to post video or take us out drinking.

But it continues to bring Crosby, MacKinnon, Duchene and Tavares to a town near you.  Next stop: Vail.

Bring it in.

Bro-hug gifs from TSN’s BarDown as well – I cannot stop laughing.

No, all the way.

Tough to compete with that roster, but we’ll take a lot more Camp Biosteel videos for research purposes.  And biceps (while we can still like MDZ).

The Ice Bucket Challenge began in July in support of ALS research.  Read more about it here and hire Frates & Quinn for more marketing campaigns.  The movement has raised over $4 million, up nearly +$3 million over this period last year.  Everyone is doing it:  Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer, even Chuck did it!  Now we joke around, but this is a great cause, funding important research.  If you’re able to donate, please visit www.alsa.org.

And if you’re going to start a trend, please let it involve most of the NHL in what amounts to a wet t-shirt contest.  (So you know – this took forever to compile.  I watched hours of videos.  It was grueling but I’m willing to work hard for you guys.)

Me: “No.  No way.  No way!”

Crosby Ice Bucket Challenge video. I first saw an Ice Bucket Challenge video on 8/7, when 87 accepted the dare on his birthday.  I wondered for a moment it was real, or if I’d woken up in a fanfic – A Connecticut Yankee in Sidney Crosby’s Driveway, maybe.

Now who needs a cold shower?

Since then, everywhere you look an NHL player is taking the plunge.  So here you have them, the very Best of the Ice Bucket Challenge videos.

The “This Looks Familiar”

Matt Duchene Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Does Sid’s video have two blue buckets, a shovel and a black SUV in the background?  Eagle-eyed Alison noticed this is the same spot.  Just two dudes, pouring water on themselves and videotaping it for the internet.

Matt could have at least brushed his hair for Sid’s party.

Matt woke up 4 minutes ago.

Bonus points to Matt for nominating country singer Thomas Rhett, one of my favorites (who was also nominated by Justin Moore – the singer, not my husband).

The Intern Project

We said Tavares should wear a tighter shirt – so we know Intern Jeff Skinner still reads this blog.  This t-shirt is left over from Jeff’s high school days, since we haven’t paid him for a day of work since then.  And white?!  What a flirt.  Remember when he didn’t want girls paying attention?

Team Tank Top

Lindsay informs me that ‘dude tank tops’ are very much the style in Canada.  I assume everyone there looks like an NHL player and so this has my full support.

Steven Stamkos Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Careful using your dog to up the ante here, Stammer.  You’re no slouch but he’s pretty freaking cute.

Let me tuck my chain into my tank top first.

Taylor Hall Ice Bucket Challenge video.  #TeamHallsy starts his video off so seriously, you’d think he spent the summer doing Shakespeare in the Park.  It’s deceptively tall-seeming thespian work.

The world is mine oyster,
Which I, with stick, shall open.

Jordan Eberle Ice Bucket Challenge video. Uncceptable resolution for #TeamEbs.  He’s got to keep up with Taylor!  Zach Boychuck, get a new phone right this instant.  Adorable hair-fixing though, since Jordan knows we are watching.

Especially after this is Zack Boychuck’s video.  How is that fair?  His biceps are theatrically lit by the sun itself, giver of all life!

Also sporting the Official Boy Band Uniform is, of course, #TeamSchultzy.  Did they have a conference call about what to wear?  Or does matchy-matchiness come as naturally to them?

The “Dallas Stars Really Want to Be Your Favorite Team” 

Tyler Seguin never met a shirt he couldn’t take off.  Or something he couldn’t hit on.  I swear he just invited a charitable cause and a bucket of water back to his place, and don’t stop rolling that tape.

Jamie Benn’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Jamie would like to take this opportunity to remind you his hair is DEVASTATING and that he’s skinny now.  (Too skinny?  A little?)  Never mind that tattoo of a graveyard on his bicep – they needed a place to bury me anyway.

Benn-d and Snap

In case you don’t love Jamie, he Tweeted the “Girl in a Country Song” video.  This is everything that’s right with the world.

Also from the Stars, Rich Peverly apparently runs a daycare in the summer – and stuns them momentarily quiet with this challenge.  They are pretty sure their moms have said not to throw stuff.

The Other Birthday Boy

It’s a shame I’ll never see #TeamSam again, because I cannot add any more teams to my list nor can I stay up late enough to watch the Coyotes.  Sam Gagner did the Ice Bucket Challenge on his birthday, complete with a cake, a beard AND a white shirt. Presents for everyone.

The NSFMyLife

John Tavares Ice Bucket Challenge video.  There’s b-roll of John then his shirt off and jumping in the pool right?  That’ll be the deleted scene on the DVD?

Is this going to be on the test?

What I really can’t handle is his deep, teacher-y voice.  If he started talking about the Large Hadron Collider, I’d faint.

That Time Gabe Wore a Shirt

Gabriel Landeskog’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Perhaps the quaint, old-world and presumably Swedish setting calls for a top, but frankly we’re a bit disappointed in Gabe’s efforts to carry the shirtless-boat-selfie banner this summer. He gets named captain and suddenly it’s all business and no instructional pancake videos.

The US judges give this a 6.

He’s 21,  You Guys – I Swear

And that was not me at the end with the extra bucket of water.  Promise.

Guys Chuck Likes

The Bruins should hire Chuck to shoot their videos, because their Ice Bucket Challenges are astonishingly low-res.  Remember why you don’t watch hockey in standard def anymore?  Even dearest Patrice couldn’t get good production values:

Lucic is in focus – if that’s a good thing.  He looks like the unpopular kid at Camp Anawanna.  Stand up straight, man!

Kim Bauer Did It

Oh yeah, and her husband too.  The Phaneufs Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Alison loves these guys.  I just feel bad that 24 made Elisha get scared by a mountain lion and abducted by a loner in a bunker in the woods around LA.  Jack Bauer would disown that mess.

I think we’d all be friend with Elisha in real life.

The “Of Course Patrick Kane Has a Water Slide”

He probably has a slide from every single window of the house into that pool.  (This was a life plan action item for me and Gator.  Awaiting our invitations, Kaner.)  Toews is so much fun these days, where’s his bucket?

Coach Q is My Favorite Coach

Many coaches, front office staff and even mascots have gotten in on the Challenge, but Coach Q’s laugh is the best.

My Goalie is a Banana

What can I say?  I trust this man with my GAA.  They even gave the baby a bucket, in case she wanted to party.  Marc Andre Fleury Ice Bucket Challenge video

Just wait till you start dating, Baby Flower.  Dad is ready.

Which is Better than Mr. Potato Head

Oh Jordan, we miss you around the Penguins.

The Hot Dads

“Hey, if I’m doing this, we’re all doing it.  Then we’re going for ice cream.”

Chris Kunitz Ice Bucket Challenge video.  From the man who dressed as a sock monkey, of course.  Mrs. Kunitz challenged Paul Martin – thanks, girl.  (Paul Martin Ice Bucket Challenge video)

Little Miss Kunitz says she’ll just donate cash.

Pascal Dupuis Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Dear Universe, Please make the Dupuis Family into a TV show.  They’ve already created the poster:

No idea Duper had a half-sleeve, or that I’d like it so much.

Craig Adams Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Craig used a garbage can for his ice bucket and the family wore matching gubernatorial campaign shirts.  Just saying, that’s a Harvard man.  (The shirts are in honor of Anne’s father, former MA Governor Paul Cellucci, who died of ALS in 2013.  Thanks to Chuck and Anne for update.)

Vote early, vote often.

The Overachievers

Keith Yandle (who actually has a face under that beard) went pretty big – three buckets vs. white t-shirt.  His best move was calling out BizNasty, of course.  Talk about bigger.

You know Biz loves it when we say “bigger.”  He challenged some big names too, though we bet no one does it in their skivvies.  Read about Biz getting his friends to donate their time and money to put this together here.  And notice that TMZ covered a hockey player.

The Suits

Max Talbot Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Max is responsible now.  He has a wife and a baby and if he wants to pour ice water over his head in a suit and tie he will, damn it!  He’s like Frank the Tank, you can’t reign him in.

Business in the front, party in the shoes.

Robert Bortuzzo Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Borts, what is that tie?!  Is the inflatable duck to distract from the tie?  It’s not working.  Also the shades on the duck + the white button down – this is going Risky Business later, isn’t it?  We’re going to need the extended edition Blu-ray combo pack.

This yard wants to party, Project X-style.

Almost everyone’s done the Ice Bucket Challenge.  I couldn’t include or even get close to watching them all.  Notable exceptions are Gingeroux, newly married Mike Green (yeah right, on that hair?) and James Neal.  I worry this means Nealmobile really had no friends, because no one has challenged him.  Though he is on this pretty definitive list of players who’ve supposedly participated (here).  Did I miss his video somewhere?

While we wait, check out the Tumblr dedicated to the Ice Bucket Challenge.

There’s a game I like to play with Lindsay and Alison. I call it:

Inner/Outer monologue or Tomorrow’s Blog Post?

In today’s episode: my reaction to watching this video.

FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WEAR A TIGHTER SHIRT, JOHN!  And in Islanders colors, of course.  He’s like an Ice Girl.  I had to pause and rewind so many times it wouldn’t let me stop the video again.  

Then I got to Intern Jeff and had a fit of hysterical, boy band-induced laughter. The video promises someone named Matt Bollard, who Alison pointed out looks a lot like David Clarkson.

I may be certifiably insane.  I checked my work email on the way out the door and saw the biggest, hugest, horriblest project that came through for my coworkers to do while I’m gone.  Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.  Then give me John Tavares in sweat-wicking Lycra and Crosby with a tan.  

Nate keeps going faster so he can almost brush Sid’s arm.  WE ARE ON TO YOU, KID. WE INVENTED THAT MOVE.

Sweet mercy, a child who is shorter than the caution tape barricade.  My ovaries just collapsed like a souffle.

Please explain something: how do these people keep their hands to themselves?  Is caution tape all it takes to keep Canadians in line?  They’d have to put me in a cage and I’d still get out, with limited power of speech and no pants on, like Planet of the Apes.

John has barely been seen all summer, the suddenly THIS. He went away a few months and came back remodeled like Extreme John Makeover. And riding in the back with the bags, natch. Could it be that Crosby is getting edged out of his Matt Duchene bromance by John? Could Matt be any more like, well, me?

Clearly our work as John’s publicists/wardrobe consultant is getting results. If you’re going to wear jeans and long sleeves in summer, let it be this:

Can we win an award for this? Is that award a go at Phil Kessel’s closet?

Remember, started from the bottom belted khakis:

Now we here:

John looks so good that Matt isn’t sure how to stand next to him. We aren’t sure how to make it to October! And of course, we don’t want John to get too cool and stop saying “darn” or anything. Just stick with us and these jeans, kid.

The NHL Awards are tonight – on a Tuesday.  Let that sink in… Tuesday.  Rock and roll.  We’ll take it, of course, desperate and starved as we are.  But not to overload Tuesday, hockey festivities began yesterday in two cities.

In Vancouver, Hockey Canada hosted an Olympic Gala and distributed rings.  Sid was there, opting for a brown t-shirt because he saw how excited we all got about mint green the other day.  Of course he was with Matt Duchene, who is turning turning into a country singer before our eyes.  (No complaints.)  PK puts everyone’s wardrobe to shame with zero effort.

Especially Dan Hamhuis.  That color combination is so bad you can feel Pietrangelo and Weber begging for help as they stare into the camera.  Jame Benn (Short hair, don’t care!) had to look away.

The next photo comes in two versions.

#1: THE CHUCK – Bergy and Nash being cool, hanging in the back, looking all cheekbones about it.

Chuck’s reaction:

#2: THE PANTS – Front and center but you probably missed it on first glance…

Live shot of me:

Tavares in a t-shirt, ace jeans and a backwards ball cap?  Casual Monday-slash-I am dead.  Just don’t let this be the end of pleated khakis, polos and belts, John.  Don’t get too cool on me now.

Not to be forgotten, Sid’s shirt is okay too.

And then, his suit.

I swear he owns two suits and five shirts.  When future generations of WUYS readers use the internet built into their brains to crack open the Crosby photo file, they won’t be able to tell one year from another.  His whole career is “circa navy suit.”

Last night culminated in the Hockey Canada Gala.  PK did that thing again with his wardrobe and Carey Price loved his beard as much as we do.

There’s John, almost appearing again.  I don’t see a single photo of him in what I presume was a suit… not one.  Who goes an entire pride-of-the-nation event wearing a shiny new Olympic ring and does not get photographed a single time?  John Tavares, folks.

Meanwhile in Vegas…

At NHL Awards 2014, media availability, Tazer discussed contract extensions, his lifelong commitment to Patrick Kane and he even almost smiled one time [video].

Maybe he was thinking about his pink shorts.

Giroux was there too – I tell ya, this guy could make a girl forget she hates the Flyer.  Whew.  So much so that I didn’t look at the video title and see SCOTT HARTNELL WAS TRADED [video].  Nine hours elapsed before I found this out!  If that’s not the truest sign of summer, take back my margarita.

It figures that Hartnell was only traded as far as Columbus, after the time they gave the Pens these past playoffs.  Why can’t people get traded to the KHL?  At least it was a swap for RJ Umberger (what I say when I think about calories for two seconds then order what I want anyway) and not Dubinsky.  That would be from bad to worse.

Claude also discussed his Hart nomination [video], which I hope he loses.

Ovi spent the week in Vegas posting drunken Instagrams, then spoke about the Caps new coach [video].  I wonder how much of the second thing had to do with so much of the first. Of course I screen capped a rather smug moment.

The NHL Awards broadcast tonight at 7 PM.  I am debating watching in real time or waiting until fast forward becomes an option.  My “I can’t watch The Office, it’s too awkward!”-phobia is at DEFCON ONE during these shows.  Either way, if I survive I will post tomorrow.  With some actual hockey content.

Since it would appear summer has really arrived, it’s time to find other things to write about.  First up is the best thing currently happening on the internet:

LEGO John Tavares (legojohntavares.tumblr.com)

Oh yes.  An entire Tumblr of mini-fig Captain John doing hilarious and random activities, like getting a dog, building a sandcastle and, of course, celebrating Easter by destroying a NY Rangers egg.

Please consider three important things:

1) Someone made this.

2) That someone was not me.

3) No one told me about it.

Me finding this Tumblr was like Harry Potter finding out magic is real and other people can do it too.  This is my person.

This idea is especially perfect if you’ve seen The LEGO Movie, because you know JT91 is about following the instructions and being a team player and he undoubtedly gets ready like this every morning:

The John Tavares Tumblr tag is basically blank.  I know he’s been out ages but come on, people!  We’re never going to get Johnny T summertime suntan boatselfies if you don’t… okay, we’re never getting those anyway.  Still the off-season doesn’t mean you can just forget about people.

To the mind behind LEGO John Tavares, we salute you.  We understand you.  In fact, we invite you over for a barbecue and if you want to stay and be best friends forever, well that’s okay too.  The rest of you, remember:

We still can’t center things.  Blogworld problems.