It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

What is this gif? I’ve been watching it for 20 mins and I’m crying.

HI GUYS! Remember me? I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet and go over half a season of hockey that I’ve mostly missed. How does this happen? My life is like space in Interstellar, where time barely passes, while hockey and this blog remain on Earth, getting 80 years older every day without me.

So, All-Star Game?

Is anyone watching this? I kinda sorta almost totally forgot about it until someone mentioned John  Tavares’ pants.

@JennMJones531 to the rescue.

That will get my attention, even from space.

Mixing space movie metaphors!! (Spends five hours looking at Matt Damon gifs.)

So, Crosby didn’t get invited. That’s old news. I wrote a mental blog post called “10 Things Sid Can Do Instead of the ASG”, which was quite funny.  You should read it sometime when you develop mind-reading powers.  Or tomorrow, if I get around to posting it.

The newer news is Ovi and Toews are hurt/sick and also suspended. The NHL sure knows how to cry when the whole class doesn’t come to their party.

Truth hurts, ASG.

Alas, with no drunken draft, most of the fun is gone from the weekend anyway. The NHL has realized this too late and made some replacement efforts to attract our attention:

1) Made John Tavares captain. He probably suggested this Footloose-inspired sobriety nonsense, for fear a real charitable organization might think Ovi was actually poor and needed a new car. The paperwork on that tax headache!  But it does mean more camera time for Captain T and the Pleated Pants.

Does this data come in a pie chart?

2) Dierks Bentley. HOLLER. I love country music, and Dierks is a big Preds fan, and everybody likes tight jeans. He’ll be one of the celeb coaches at the game.

We would get drunk on this plane.

3) All the Foxy Fridays. Damn if they didn’t replace Toews with James Neal. The NHL knew I wasn’t paying attention and just waved a red ginger flag in my face.

endsmile

Add that to Pekka Rinne, Shea Weber and all-time FF fave, Roman Josi, and the home team is, um, well represented.  Other Foxy Fridays on the roster: Jamie Benn, Matt Duchene, Patrick Kane, Tyler Seguin, Jonathan Quick, Patrice Bergeron, Ryan O’Reilly, Ben Bishop, Claude Giroux, holy crap are we there yet?, Evgeni Malkin, the aforementioned John Tavares, CPA, His Disney Highness Kris Letang, Ryan McDonaugh and Braden Holtby.

Answer: Making Pants hate herself.

Note: Stamkos, #TeamHall and Nicky Backstrom have never been Foxy Fridays. This blog is a sham. Shut it down.

What kind of irresponsible journalism is this?!

4) 3-on-3 Format. I won’t pretend to have an opinion on this, as I’ve watched approximately one OT period all season, but it sounds exciting. Top players + more open ice = more goals, right? But hasn’t the All-Star Game always ended in some Hobbit score of twelveses to eleventy anyway? Maybe the “last place in the draft” prize can be repurposed to the only player who doesn’t score a hat trick on Sunday.

Ovi wasn’t last, but someone did give him a car to donate to charity.

5) The John Scott story. Voted into the ASG by fans, then traded and assigned to the AHL, the saga of whether or not John Scott would appear in the ASG has been ongoing news. Yesterday, Scott published this first person account in The Player’s Tribune. In it, he explains how someone from the NHL encouraged him, even now, not to attend this weekend’s events.

SCREW YOU, NHL. Wrong, bad, stupid, and also, WHY? John Scott may be the only player who actually cares about this game, and you think he should stay home? Do you think the fans who voted him in should not watch? Oh no, you want them. You NEED them.

She’ll be proud.

Read the Player’s Tribune story. It will make you want to buy a John Scott jersey and stand up in your living room when he takes the ice on Sunday. I hope every player shows up wearing his name. You may not like Scott’s brand of hockey, but it is part of hockey. Scott may not be an elite player, but he is a player. Was a player? Will be an NHL player again? Who knows. But if you love the game, you have to love it’s scars.

So, see you guys tomorrow night on the Twitters to techno-judge the real skills at Skills Competition: hair, beard, sass? Our trifecta of All-Star Weekend talents.

Pre-game video that makes you question loyalties.

I LIED. BEARDS ALWAYS.

Did anyone know about this? I’m glad you didn’t warn me. #TeamEbs turning up in November looking like he might if the Oilers ever made the playoffs is a revolution. He missed the first 13 games with a shoulder injury sustained on September 29. He obviously spent this time very, very well.

Post-game, the beard was still there. Thank heaven, because if I were going to hallucinate something, it would definitely look like this. The Oilers locker room has really nice lighting, no?

Post-game video that needs a hug.

Bonus: Jordan Eberle Halloween commercial.

Oilers side note: The PUPPIES have a social media campaign about PUPPIES. Okay, other animals are eligible but they are clearly reading @alisonsykora‘s Tweets.

This is so meta.

Since it’s Monday, and Jordan Eberle & Mike Green train together in the off-season [What is this machine and how do I get a job making sure they use it properly?], I feel compelled to report that this is still amazing.

Post-game video that is now wash-and-go.

Ugh, Capitals. You will never be the same.

“I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh. “I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”

Then yesterday I opened the WUYS Twitter and saw 17 notifications. Either Jonathan Toews did a ceremonial face off against his tiny dog, or…

Aaron Ekblad’s humbeTweet

Yup. Everyone is demanding Aaron Ekblad be carbon-dated to prove his age. Which is 19, I’m probably legally required to remind you. Thanks to @ErinMiHaley for this one.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Chris Higgins in the beard post. He is just back from a foot injury and, well, you can’t flash your abs on every play.

Post-game video that hates losing with :16 left.

Last, but not least, nothing has changed for our favorite Gingerbeard down in Nashville: still rocking the scruff, still getting into trouble.

“Details of your incompetence do not interest me.” – Miranda Priestly

On Thursday, James Neal took out Zach Parise. You could take Yahoo‘s headline opinion (quoted from Wild coach Suter), that hit was “dangerous, reckless”, or go with CBS Sports‘ feeling that the hit “doesn’t look dirty on Neal’s part.” You be the judge:

To me it’s clean enough, though awkward and ill-timed. From another player, I don’t know that this hit would be a conversation piece. At least Nashville seems to have had the sense not to let James speak to media post-game. Zach is week-to-week, after scoring 7 G in 12 games, so we hope he’s back on the ice soon.

With a beard.

Who else is sporting an excellent early-season pelt? Send them my way before they shave down to 1970’s cop-style Movember ‘staches.

UPDATE: Patrick Roy’s beard is perfect. For every time you just want to lose your $%&@ and scream at someone, think of this and feel zen.

Submitted by Henriikkax!

Okay, it was yesterday. How this is 1) a holiday or 2) occurs without our say-so is a mystery, but it’s never too late to join in the, er, appreciating. Especially on a Friday.

I’ve very scientifically chosen the photos below.  Browse them – and we mean Take. Your. Time. (For example, I haven’t done any other work today.) In the comments, tell us what you love, hate, miss and wish would disappear. I’m sure I’ve left out a few transformations: suggestions are also welcome.

FOXY FRIDAY: Hairstyle Appreciation Day

Jamie Benn: Before vs. After

James Neal: Hedgehog vs. Humbled vs. Hey Ladies

Mike Green: Kombucha vs. Complicated Coffee vs. Wheatgrass vs. Small-Batch Bourbon

Tom Wilson: Boy vs Man

Carl Hagelin: Boy Band vs. Rock Star vs. Singer-Songwriter

Steven Stamkos: Too Short vs. Too Long vs. Just Right

 Claude Giroux: Elmo vs. Fozzie vs. Animal

Kris Letang: Disney Prince vs. Disney Dad

Last but not least, Barry Melrose: Always vs. Forever

The polls are open. Happy Friday, everyone!

Like James Neal at the 4 minute mark of this post-game coverage.

Top to bottom, fade from brown to orange to yellow.

The second best part, right after his face, is how much James hates doing this interview. He doesn’t get sassy, drones through cliches like I nap through episodes of Boardwalk Empire and says nothing. Repeatedly.

He’s basically ombre.

It’s almost as if he’s testing to see if they’ll keep asking questions we’ll keep watching.

Please. I paused it to make popcorn and come back.

Damn, he was trying to start a new trend.

The Pens’ only counter to this rakish hair-times-gingerbeard-equals-destruction is to mess with Neal’s car on their recent trip to Nashville. [In the Ropm: S4, E2]

Don’t leave Flower, Letang and Geno unsupervised.

It’s funny, of course, but we all know you tease the one you like the most.

The Preds have a new episode of Beneath the Ice up, in which James was apparently learning to cook.  Rich Clune, humanitarian.  Before Clune’s waivers/AHL assignment, hopefully James learned a few survival skills – like that Lamborghini is ridiculous and I will always make fun of it. (Correction from Alison: It’s a Ferrari. Apparently I never recovered from Mike Green’s white Lambo and confused the sleeve-tattooed, bearded drivers and their white chariots of overcompensation.)

My car has no backseat! Wait a minute…

In the next episode, James gets the A.  From Peter Laviolette.  Maybe we should have seen it coming?  Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy hated each other basically right up until it started raining.

Pants, that is so 2012.

James is leading Nashville with 9 G, and tied for second with 14 points.  The Preds are second in their division, one point behind St. Louis, and third overall in the West.  They play tonight in Toronto, where you know all the Ontario boys love to show off in front of their family and friends.

1. Sitting like a boy.

Lean back.

(Remember when John Tavares was the only one with media training, and that was at 14? This is Exhibit A.)

2. Politely discussing that time Pittsburgh dumped him via Post-It Note.

Aspiring Gingerbeard

Wait, James isn’t good with media! Who is this guy?  Maybe he didn’t need to be trained this time around.  Someone still shouldn’t let him sit like Homer Simpson.

3. Asking to have his roster photo retaken. Hey, if he doesn’t critique it, someone (around here) will! And for the record, it looks great.

“Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?”

4. Wearing a shirt that’s too small.

Does this jersey makes my arms look long?

5. Being unfamiliar with imperfect hair. Push it back?  Are these bangs or curtains?

Do you have any product?

So, is this grown-up James Neal starting over? Nashville is a promising market with a new coach and new system. It’s a chance to prove himself on the ice, to let his talent speak and shut his temper down. Hockey media, not without reason, are skeptical – though I thought the word “castoff” in this Puck Daddy piece was harsh. Turns out I’m protective (and only I’m allowed to give James shit for being an idiot!). Nashville press seem to have embraced the potential, and it will be up to James what they have to say about him.

Impressing the new boss.

We got our Rich Clune Foxy Friday posted just in time: he was placed on waivers by Nashville. Rich’s mom RT’d the Foxy Friday, which is the highest honor in the land and we can now retire. Luckily for Neal, Clune cleared waivers and was assigned to Milwaukee. Let’s hope Rich left a stocked fridge for Nealer and gets recalled to the Preds soon.

We need more of this:

In the next episode of Beneath the Ice, James drives a car and asks for directions. Lost and boring. It was filmed prior to Clune’s departure but this better not be what James turns into with Rich gone. Don’t get too nice, buddy.

Nah, we can’t leave it there!  Here’s James’ hat trick from last week:

Fifty shades

In fact, James Neal cut his hair a week ago and I didn’t even notice.  How does this happen? Am I so fickle when someone departs my team? I basically wrote, “Friends forever!” in his yearbook back in June, then went to college and forgot about him. A few kind, attentive readers mentioned the haircut, worried about my reaction to his season opening, trade-rebellion-mullet, but I did not look up a photo until now.

It was worth the wait.

No one helped me when I had a mullet.

This is excellent.  It’s almost modest, a pre-Pittsburgh, Stars-era James. Maybe the Preds equipment guys don’t provide the players’ favorite hair products in both home and away locker rooms, like Pens’ Dana Heinze.

Any new haircut needs to grow just a bit, but we are back in business.

I guess she likes my haircut too.

Photos from David Yurman in-store event, October 14.  This is a second, do-over haircut after the one Rich Clune treated us to on Twitter (resulting in the aforementioned mullet).

Some assembly required.

Nealer is featured on the Predators main page at the moment (in the acceptable pre-haircut days).  Does this mean he’s fitting in down in Nashville?  Ehhh, not quite yet – at least on the ice.  He’s got just two goals in six games and my fantasy team is not happy.  But the Preds are first in their division and second in the Western Conf (10 points), still undefeated in regulation and James’ short hair can only mean better days are on the way.

Cover guy

Here’s another teaser of the Preds’ Beneath the Ice series that kicks off with a James episode on October 25.  It’s not quite Dude Perfect, but there is potential for season-long reality bromance programming.

One more in which James says “roundabout” and nothing else happens.  At all.

So naturally, it was time James Neal did the challenge.  He’s a proud member of Team Tank Top – or, if you shop at Old Navy, Team “Tami” because that thing is so long I can’t tell where the shirt ends and his shorts start.

(I can’t help noticing this dock was dry when Melanie did the challenge.  Which probably means James made her go first. )

How does one dress to match a sleeve tattoo?  The answer: you don’t.  Of course James is wearing a hat – you knew he wasn’t going to give us anything that good.  And it’s not like any of his teammates went shirtless… oh wait.  James plays for the Predators now.

Rich Clune Ice Bucket Challenge

I always wondered what “apple bottom jeans” meant.

Neal’s going to have to stop up his game if he wants to get noticed in Nashville.  At least he doesn’t have to compete with soccer players:

(Thanks to Alison, our top futbol correspondent.)

PK Subban went for the hockey version of this look: jockstrap over the shorts.  The NHL’s Best Dressed Man strikes again.  It seems unfair that he, in turn, nominated the Worst Dressed: Phil Kessel.  We can only hope Phil has spent his summer reading our blog posts about John Tavares’ pants.

Meanwhile, Gary Roberts wants all these pretty boys to know he could kick their asses, make a kale smoothie, check his email and DVR American Ninja Warrior before they even got up off the floor.

I feel like Robs can see the bacon, egg & cheese I’m eating right now.  Bye internet.

I  was out Friday night/most of Saturday with no phone.  I apologize to those who texted and Tweeted , only to assume I’d retreated with a gallon of ice cream into a padded room over:

James Neal

UGH. Sad Pants.  In the movies, the jackass, all-skill and no-brains quarterback gets the chance to redeem himself.  I’ve long held out hope James Neal would be that guy.  You all know my love/hate, ‘get your shit together’/’do all that with your hair perfectly styled’ feelings for Neal.  Suffice to say that I thought he was getting there.  I always thought he was getting there, which is why his digressions made me so mad.  Now he’ll get there – I still believe that – with another team.  Should the Pens have waited?  Maybe.  40 goals is a lot to see leave.  But I’m not surprised.  In the end, maybe this trade gave Neal what the Penguins tried to give him for three years: a lesson in growing up, accompanied by a swift kick in the ass.

In return, the Pens got Patric Hornqvist and Nick Spaling.  Hornqvist once scored 30 goals, and nearly every one from right in front of the net [brilliant chart].  Unless I was watching a different Penguins team, this was never Neal’s main job.  He scored from everywhere, did so often, and was a danger any time he stepped onto the ice.  Grumpy Pants is not getting happier here.  Spaling, according to The Tennessean, can “do everything.”  Like have a career-high 13-goal season, one time.  Sure these guys have qualities the Pens want, “grit” being chief among them per new GM Jim Rutherford.   I’ve never watched either of them play.  But this seems to put more onus on Crosby-Kunitz-Dupuis (oh God, welcome back) to carry the Penguins scoring – and when they don’t deliver, burn down the world!  For all the people who said “Kunitz is only Kunitz because of Crosby,” no one ever said “Neal is only Neal because of Malkin.”  Geno can’t turn Hornqvist into a 40-goal guy.  Let’s hope Hornqvist is ready to do that himself.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop watching or talking about James, or hoping he gets this right.  You don’t have to find someone in Nashville.  Maybe those folks will find us.

Michael Del Zotto

The Predators will not re-sign MDZ and today he becomes a UFA.  This is a tragic loss of potential bromance with Neal.  Hair product stock prices dropped.  Nashville girls pouted and cranked up their sad country songs.  Oh wait, that was me.

Danny Briere

To Colorado!  When I see news like this on TV in a bar with no sound while the people around me are talking about pizza, it’s hard to react appropriately.  After a hundred years as a Flyer and one as a Canadien, during which he and the team much maligned each other over playing time and performance, Danny Briere will join the Avalanche’s wild young potential.  Will he play more there?  No.  But I’ll watch them more.  The Habs get PA Parenteau and a 5th round pick in return.

Ryan Kesler

When Kesler ended up on the trading block, he reportedly limited his destination options to the Ducks or Hawks.  Must be a nice world where you can make those kinds of demands.  After a flurry of panic-inducing Patrick Sharp trade rumors, Kes went to the Ducks.  The Canucks got Nick Bonino, Luca Sbisa and a first round pick and a later pick they swapped for Derek Dorsett.  Is that a fair deal to send a guy like Kesler to a division rival?  If you believe the Vancouver optimists, Ryan’s 30th birthday at the end of August basically signals the death of his career anyway.

It’s always a good sign when you Google Image search someone and it suggests you ad “abs” to your results.  If nothing else, Ryan will look good on that So Cal beach.

Sam Gagner

Oh Sam.  The Oilers broke up the band by trading #TeamSam to Tampa Bay for Teddy Purcell, in a deal that Lindsay somehow made happen with her mind.  Five minutes (okay, maybe forty minutes) later, Sam was bounced again to the Phoenix Arizona Coyotes in exchange for BJ Crombeen.  The guy got two Foxy Fridays, then he got traded twice in two hours.  Sorry if that’s our fault, somehow.  One hilarious fan made a Tampa Bay “Thanks Sam” tribute video.  Sam, well, it’s time to admit that I’ll probably never see you again.  Nothing against the Coyotes – it’s not you, it’s me.  And at least it wasn’t #TeamEbs. (Sorrrrrrry.)

More, more, more to come all day.  No one is safe.  I’ll be watching like this:

Waiting for the moment when Matt Niskanen signs somewhere else…

Every April, we wonder how we got here – if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

See also: Ryan Miller, Ringmaster

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

Will again become this:

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

Does this expression look familiar?

I’m obviously not alone.  You guys know the love/hate – maybe you don’t feel it the way I do.  Maybe you’re more forgiving.  Many of you are not.  I get really, foolishly, heart-breakingly mad about this stuff [Exhibit A | Exhibit B – don’t read them though, they hurt].  I finally bought a James Neal shirt in Pittsburgh, as if spending $32 is some kind of bargain with the universe.

I wish it didn’t.

So I was happy reading this interview by Dejan Kovacevic in which James addresses the issues of his dirty play and poor decision-making like an adult. Alison vetted the article first (breaking our shared rule about never reading Pittsburgh hockey media):

Kovacevic: Neal sees playoffs as ‘second chance’

Of course saying something doesn’t mean James will do it, but it’s a place to start.  Acknowledging the impact his actions have on the team and looking at guys who have won it all are important steps.  Now we need him to stay on the ice as flashy goal-scoring James Neal and not, as someone on Twitter so perfectly called him, “Rabies Neal.”

This James, please:

So we can get to this James:

I want one less thing to worry about starting April 16 every game. I want to defend the evolution of a skilled player who rises above past mistakes, not be relegated to blograge and drowning my emotions in a tub of Skittles.

Also I really want the damned Cup.

Serious-voice (sick voice) James appeared on the Avs intermission last night, sounding like Bruce Wayne.  I still don’t love the sleeve tattoo but the burgeoning gingerbeard gives me dreams of wrist shots and goals from the top of the faceoff circle and victory well into the post-season.  I am here, James, at this second – third – chance and counting on you to hold it together.  Let the only people losing their minds in these playoffs be on my side of the glass.

With Skittles.

Lindsay, Alison, Emma and I arrived from Canada and Maryland on Friday afternoon.  That night we weren’t at dinner 20 minutes (or one drink) before Robert Bortuzzo walked in the door.

Let’s be honest.  How many people in how many places would get excited about this?  How often is that one person in that one place when it happens?  Well that person is Alison and that place was Meat and Potatoes and I honestly thought it was the highlight of the weekend on the first night.  It helps that Borts is 6’4″ and can clearly be seen from across the room.  We ate (good food, great atmosphere) and presumably he did the same.  Alison did not fall down when passing his table.  The trip was off to an excellent start.

Emma, Alison, myself, Lindsay and Borts (not pictured).

Afternoon games are the best because you just wake up and hockey.  Saturday morning we managed breakfast before warm-ups, which found Lindsay getting politely razzed by everyone at Consol for her Stamkos shirt.  Pittsburgh people are the friendliest even when they’re giving you a hard time.  When warm-ups started everyone remembered Steven looks like this:

Right game, not our photo.

… and gave Lindsay a pass.  Don’t worry, she had on her Crosby jersey by game time.  If you watched the back and forth of the game, you saw Crosby score first and probably heard us screaming.  Geno had two goals plus the first star post-game on-ice interview.

I’m score. (Welp, foot injury.)

James Neal did what he always does when I go to Consol (both times) – win it in extra frames.  Last time was a shootout, now overtime.  He must know how mad he makes us sometimes – he’s that boyfriend who you keep breaking up and making up with.  As Emma would later say, “James Neal is every mistake I made in my twenties.”

After the game, we went to Primanti Bros.  You’ve all probably been there and we knew to expect the unparalleled marvel of multi-tasking: fries inside a sandwich.  America, Land of Innovation.  What we didn’t expect were $4 jumbo beers – how does anyone stay sober in Pittsburgh?  Yuengling practically flows from fire hydrants in the street.

After sandwich coma and a change of clothes, we did even more eating at Butcher and the Rye.  You should all travel with Lindsay and Alison – they make reservations at the best places.  In less time that it took Borts to be wished into existence the night before, Brendan Morrow and his excellent hair appeared.  We appreciated it for one moment… except he now plays for the Blues.

You can wish a lot of failure and heartbreak on an opposing team.  We wished food poisoning – and didn’t wish hard enough, based on the next day’s game.  We were busy planning knife-throwing crimes in case we saw David Backes.  Sorry Sochi puppies, but we hold a grudge.  Steve Ott was there too – enough of a directional beacon for hockey anger.

We were a bit stuck downtown and ended up at bar called Olive or Twist twice. Tumblr informs us that once upon a time, a lucky bachelorette party stumbled upon Neal and Crosby there.  (We hope the bride to be hadn’t signed her pre-nup yet.) We got only a sad guy on a sad guitar acoustically serenading us with slow-jam versions of 90’s pop songs.  His ballad version of “Bye Bye Bye” was a momentary bright spot.  There was in fact a bachelorette party near us – no Penguins to save their day, only Hootie and the Blowfish covers.   Still we were 2-for-2 on NHL sightings.  Well done, Pittsburgh.

Currently being painted on the side of my house.

Sunday was another morning of breakfast and hockey.  Penguins warm-up skate is always a highlight and they could make good money selling tickets for just that.  The game… was the game.  A strangled 1-0 loss.  Welcome to the stretch and the playoffs, where tension takes the place of fun!  At least we had giant burgers from Burgatory and cleaned out the PensGear store to the tune of Robert Bortuzzo’s only shirt sale possibly ever.  (Mostly kidding.)  We did get a Matt Niskanen intermission interview to match my new shirt and some incoherent shouting about turtles.

Too much… closer… perfect.

We nursed our mild depression before calling up @TheChadPGH to join us for dinner.  The hotel even gave us a ride in a van with a giant chocolate chip cookie on the side, and right outside the restaurant they were filming Aaron Paul’s new movie.  Got all that?  Dinner, Hollywood, Cookie Van.  We are VIP.

Chad was already at The Urban Tap and I have to think he wouldn’t trade what happened next for dinner with any other four girls who are not, say, SI swimsuit models.  It was that memorable.  We ordered more freakishly underpriced Yuengling and within minutes, Alison said: “I think Lee Stempniak is here.”  Yup. That was it – 3-for-3.

As we were still laughing, a tall skinny guy in a light dress shirt came in.   Really tall, like almost as tall as… and right behind him, a shorter, stockier guy in a dark blazer.  With hair like a Ken doll.

Me: “Crosby just walked in the door.”

Live reaction shot of me and Chad, hacked from a security camera:

Lindsay, Alison and Emma:

Life, in general:

That’s it.  I didn’t faint and the floor didn’t swallow me.  Impressed?  You should be.  Everyone turned to look – there’s no being sly in this moment.  Sure enough, Crosby and Borts again, joining Stempniak and Brian Gibbons.  Like normal people on a normal Sunday in a normal life where Sidney Crosby wears jeans and is not behind a pane of glass.

This is where Chad became a rescue worker in a potential disaster, keeping us focused, talking, alive.  Good thing because without him who knows what we would have said.  And how loudly.  Why does that matter? Because just behind the pole Lindsay was leaning against – Brandon Sutter.  He’d been there the whole time.  We didn’t realize until Borts walked by, squeezed between Lindsay and the table and yelled, “SUTTSY!”  Now, BSutts is Alison’s favorite.  Borts is on the list, and that’s rare enough, but truth be told he is no BSutts to her.  For Borts and BSutts to be talking within arm’s reach… this is Christmas, people.  It’s every birthday you ever had.  If Alison were shot from a cannon into a bucket of jellybeans it could not have been more perfect.

Just when we thought Pittsburgh had really over-delivered, there was one trick left.  The first open table was, of course, right next to the Penguins.  WHO GETS UP FROM THIS TABLE?  Who finishes eating and thinks, “I’m leaving to do something better with my Sunday night?”  The hostess pointed us that way and Chad’s reaction was just, “Oh my God.”

(You know I was the first one over there for the best seat.  I can fly.)

We spent the next four hours having an amazing girls + Chad night with the lovely backdrop of Sidney Crosby.  Borts too, of course, and Gibbons, Stempniak, Craig Adams showed up, Zach Sill, I think that’s it.  (Edit: Also Deryk Engelland.)  BSutts dropped by.  We pretended to care about the basketball game on TV, I accidentally ordered grilled lettuce for dinner (with cheese) and we kicked the keg of Yuengling.  There was some dreamy sighing and a comment or two about Sid wearing a blazer with sneakers, but we managed to be quite coherent-ish.  When it was over, Crosby and Borts left first then other people trickled out.

Now, I know most of you are thinking “WHERE ARE THE PICTURES?!”  Even my husband looked seriously disappointed when he said, “You sat near Sidney Crosby for four hours and didn’t even talk to him?”  He is not impressed by my motivation to (re-)marry up.

We didn’t ask for pictures.  We didn’t interrupt or talk to them.  We didn’t even discuss whether or not we would.  They were having fun (and so were we, plenty of it) being regular people.  It would have been awkward to interrupt, and even more so to sit nearby for hours afterward.  So while I will normally talk to a tree, and I did talk to Gibbons and Sill later, you’ll have to take our word that it looked like this:

And most of the time like this based on where the tables were:

Plus a lot of this:

And for the finale, this moment from In The Room:

Trust us: whatever you’re thinking, it was 87% better than that.   It might not have been the night for the best Instagram photo of all time – but there’s always next year’s 2nd annual trip.

Does this help?

No?

How about…

That ought to do it.  Now, bring the power of your mind to bear on the universe and let’s see if we can’t get James Neal and Chris Kunitz back in the Pittsburgh lineup tonight.

For the record, I don’t want anyone rushing back from a concussion (or any injury).  We have a long way to go here – say, until mid-June.  But I also don’t want to see anymore hot garbage like the Pens back-to-back losses to the Flyers over the weekend.  Call it The Lost Weekend.  Wake up wondering what happened and hope your friends never mention it again.

Onward and upward.

So, will the fix(es) be in?  If I had to choose, I’d take Kunitz returning first.  Crosby Winger Bingo is bad enough when it only has to fill one spot. Now Bylsma is giving out top line assignments  by tossing jerseys into the crowd.

On-ice chemistry takes time to develop, but no one is getting the chance now. There were moments on Sunday when Sid put the puck right where Kunitz would be… except Chris was in the press box eating nachos.  (The nachos are my assumption because Kuni is awesome and so are nachos.)

I have to believe if Neal can play against Dallas, he will.  You always want to look good when you see your ex.  And he probably got a little jealous when we picked Jamie Benn for Foxy Friday, what with all the fan-paigning you guys did.  That gold medal cannot have helped.  It sure would feel good to, I dunno, score a hat trick or have an 8-point night or something, right James?

Too much?

Our job today is to concentrate.  Levitate something.  Bend a spoon.  Control the universe, as I have been known to do on occasion and the Blackhawks do every summer.  Help return two key pieces to the Penguins battered lineup and ensure that Lindsay, Alison and I can witness greatness this weekend in Pittsburgh, both on and off the ice.  If this works, you all get promoted.

(Not you, Intern Jeff Skinner.)

The Penguins’ annual Skates & Plates event was held last night, where the players wait tables, raise funds for charity and try not to spill food on people.  (I’d take care of that myself in this company.)

On the Pens team, you can have one of two haircuts.  The Flow, which Orpik and Vitale are growing into behind the fearless, forever lead of Letang:

Or the Practical Dad, worn best while standing together in family portraits.

BSutts parts to the left, like he’s cooler.

Hahahano.

Here’s proof on an actual dad:

(see also: Tanner Glass)

And on a future hot dad:

Dammit, Sid.  I’m not complaining, but we were really into this Clark Kent thing you had going there for a minute:

Was it too much work?  Bangs under a helmet not that comfortable?  I know, look at Letang all the time and get itchy for a hair tie.

Glaringly Panic-Inducingly Potentially-Catastrophically Noticeably missing from this event was James Neal’s hair, and the rest of him.

Immediate reaction, in order, from Lindsay, me and Alison:

I’m Hodgins. What? He’s rich, okay?

Nealmobile skipped yesterday’s practice on a “maintenance day.”  So did Kunitz, but that Monchichi was delivering dessert at Skates & Plates.  Even Duper was there.  Bylsma said the status of Neal & Kunitz would be re-evaluated today, prior to the Pens home & home vs. Philly this weekend.

A note to James Neal: Lindsay, Alison and I will be at the game in Pittsburgh in 8 days, 2 hours and 46 minutes.  So you have that long to:

• get healthy
• grow out your beard

You got all that?

There is video and a full story, complete with Crosby making the day of some little girl and Borts’s strategy  for the most tips (Dear Alison, send money).  There’s also a rather abbreviated photo gallery.  Start saving for next year.

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.
2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.
3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Luckily I’m good at To Do Lists.  They calm my nerves.  Those and the ice cream sundae I just sent Intern Jeff Skinner to make.  So, in order of impending and importance:

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.

Good thing too, because they owe me one for that performance in Chicago.  @raedanda always puts up with me at these games.

2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.

The rumor mill is buzzing.  What’s the real price tag for NYR captain Ryan Callahan? Does Martin Brodeur intend to play forever [link]?  Ryan Kesler may be on the block, but for Alison’s sake, hope the Penguins bid does not include Brandon Sutter [link].  RK17 has allegedly waived his No Trade Clause for select teams, including PIT, NYR and PHI [link].

Dustin Penner just became a Capital, no idea who for, or if there is any end to the National Pancake Day jokes in sight.  I better publish this now before anything else changes.

Word from last week is Martin St. Louis requested a trade – only to the Rangers.

WHATNODON’TDOIT!  If this happens, I will henceforth call him only by his full name.  Goodbye forever, Squishy.

Who else?  The only instrument left in the Islanders orchestra is a sad trombone, with word out they’ll move impending UFAs Thomas Vanek and Andy MacDonald [link].  Other names being shopped include Stastny, Moulson, Hemsky, Chris Stewart… you could go out for lunch tomorrow and come back with a new look to your team.

3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Someone should tell the Capitals this.  They blew the lead three different times on Sunday, eventually lost to the Flyers in OT and, as always, lost the one game a year I can get Mr. Pants to attend.  Thanks, jerks.

It could be worse, I tell myself.  We could be the Hurricanes.  There’s never a good time to lose five in a row, but now is worse.

Remember it’s the wild card format this year, so good luck figuring out who your team will face in the first round.  From the Nov. ’13 NY Post article entitled NHL’s playoff structure is ridiculous by Larry Brooks:

To refresh your memory: 1. The top three teams from each division qualify; 2. The two teams with the next best records within the conference qualify as wild cards; 3. The division winner with the most points plays the wild card with the fewest points in the first round while the other division winner plays the other wild card; 4. The second- and third-place teams within each division meet in the first round; 5. Divisional brackets apply to the second round.

So, in likely the earliest “If the playoffs began …” scenario on record, the East’s first round would be: Pittsburgh (30 points) vs. Montreal (26); Boston (30) vs. Detroit (27); Tampa Bay (29) vs. Toronto (27); Washington (25) vs. Devils (23).

Hence, either the seventh-place Capitals or eighth-place Devils would advance while either the third-place Lightning or fourth-place Maple Leafs would be one-and-done.

A team, therefore, is theoretically better served by being the second- (or third-) place team in a weak division than by finishing with the conference’s best record.

Okay, it’s not that hard to figure out.  The playoff format is just very fluid right up until the end.  Your team could be third in its division, worse than both Wild Card teams and still qualify ahead of them.  It makes sense that two Metropolitan teams would be seeded ahead of Wild Card Toronto despite fewer points, right?

It could be worse, of course.  We could be in the Western Conference.  Right now 68 or 69 points might get you in, but you’d be duking it out for that one last Wild Card spot, rather than for or five spots potentially reachable seeds in the East.

Remember the West has two fewer teams than the East, sparking much debate about it being “easier” to reach the post-season.  I doubt it’s been easier to play a majority of games against these Western teams though.  Still, the realigned Wings and Jackets are in the East’s mix, while Winnipeg hopes to squeak into that last spot out West.  Riding five-game win streaks, the Kings and Wild aim to put every other qualifying spot out of reach.

So, is your team making it or not?  Are they making a big move instead?  We’re getting down to the wire.  It’s time to start pretending stress or hockey – or stress and hockey – can’t hurt you.

Without posting the entire Tumblr tag (Honestly, where do people find this stuff?), it’s safe to say you wish you went on to Cabo on spring break.

With the Oilers.

Puppy Bowl!

Do we want to know what happened to #TeamHallsy’s head? Presumably it was hockey-related, but I’m pretty sure he almost knocked himself out once by crashing into Ebs’ backside climbing a flight of stairs.

Nominating Amanda for lifeguard duty.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Cabo:

How big is Cabo? This was probably across the street.

And this? Docked right outside the lion cub petting zoo, I bet.

Cabo was like hockey Comic-Con last week (complete with stereotypical villain played by Raffi Torres).

Like any good vacation, the Olympic break left us tired and spent. We’re glad to have the NHL back but we’ll miss spring break, just a little.

James Neal being a shit.

Me not stopping till Neal owned up to his problem out loud.

Kunitz’s face.

Followed immediately by James trying not to laugh.

Jackass.  You can’t distract me with your shorts!  Do not make me regret this.

In my world, no one would ever say that leggings are not pants.  (Oh, those aren’t leggings?)

Tight hiphuggers, low fo’ sho.

Everyone would pack a healthy brown bag lunch.

There’s moisturizer in there too.

Nisky would get more camera time.

People would wear proper cold weather gear because they are Canadian and also duh.

We’d always look our best.

Glasses and plaid paints all the time.

You are not fooling anyone with this coy stuff, James Neal.

Everyone would have excellent posture and sit up straight.

They would never make fun of each other.

Or call people names.

Right, Kris?

Everyone would be happy to see us.

And we’d all sleep well at night.

Of course I’d have the whole thing filmed for TV too.   Marketing and management?  I’d hire me.

Aw shucks.

Then watch James Neal have a go at the end of this video.  Haha, that’s not fake.

Maybe we could get Nisky to give him a lesson.  (Why does it seem appropriate that a guy from Minnesota would know how to bowl?  Is it an American thing?)

At least Nealmobile remembered the jerseys were yellow and not compatible with, say, a blue button-down.

More photos here.

The Pens also held their children’s practice event… so much cute.  Here’s the video, and if you don’t love Sidney Crosby for the look he gives the kid at 0:40 then I surrender.  [More video: CBS Pittsburgh]

Capitals @ Penguins tonight at 8PM on NBC Sports Network:  It’s my favorite and least favorite match-up at the same time!

For two solid weeks in February, you’re invited to our party.

Okay, it’s probably going to look more like this:

But the guest list is epic.  It’s  comprised of every Olympic snub – and there are some bold-faced names here.  To make sure our party lives up to the Russian’s, we’ve put our guests in charge of bringing a few key ingredients.  Consider it a gift registry without the wedding, and you don’t have to travel 16,000 miles to get to this reception.

Beer: Staal Brothers

It was a long shot for Jordan to make it, but we expected Eric to be defending Canada’s honor.  Since he can’t do it in Russia, he’ll make sure we do it here. They’ll book the jet they chartered home to Thunder Bay for Christmas, load it up and land it close.  Hope you guys like Labatts, Molson and sod because that’s all they’re bringing.

Liquor (except vodka): James Neal

Beer isn’t going to cut it for Nealmobile.  Neither, apparently, are more assists than Rick Nash has points, plus 16 goals, in fewer games.  Or better numbers since 2008.  No doubt James’ recent on-ice immaturity played a part, but growing up will have to come later.  For this we need to break out the (you thought I was going to say ‘big guns,’ right?) good stuff, skip the shot glasses and just go for it.  (He can bring his regular glasses, though.)

Vodka (and lots of it): Alex Semin

I don’t like Sasha – didn’t like him on the Caps, don’t care about him now – but getting left off the roster in your home country is awful.  Especially when he’s got a long history of representing Russia in international events.  Maybe it was due to his concussion earlier this season, but even I’ll drink to the fact it was a shame he got snubbed.  The Ovi & Sasha Reunion Show would’ve been a hit.

Games: Claude Giroux

Gingeroux thought he had this.  Normally the suffering of any Flyer makes me giddy as a Disney villain, but leaving him off Team Canada was just fickle and redheads are always welcome at our shindigs.  Based on his ability to play beer pong and cornhole with two casted, post-surgery wrists, we’re going to bet Colde can find a way to shoot around the pieces of his broken heart.  Heck, we’ll even crank the heat and make it #shirstoptional.

$5 Cover Charge: Intern Jeff Skinner

NHL’s First Star of the Week?  Good for 66.15 points to my fantasy team in just seven days, more than double what anyone else produced?  Hat tricks all over the place are awesome, but he’s still not getting in for free.

Fake IDs: #TeamEbs and #TeamHallsy

We know they’re both of age, but @amandalitty is bouncing and she just wants to know where #TeamHallsy lives, okay?  Plus we are not falling for that matching outfit, ‘No really, I’m Jordan Eberle’ trick that Nugent-Hopkins pulled the last time.

His phone: Jack Johnson

We’re prank calling Crosby all night – which will be 9 hours later there and he’ll probably answer until he blocks us and we leave amazing messages complete with singing.  These are the best kinds of messages.

Darkness: Brent Seabrook

Resident widow’s peak and most likely vampire, Seabs ain’t coming out till the sun goes down.  He slept all day, so he’s in charge of last call.

Selena Gomez CD: Logan Couture

This was his chance, you know?  Everyone watches the Olympics and there was bound to be a hockey clip during ice dancing, which people love once every 4 years.  If Logan could’ve been that highlight then Selena would have seen him and POW.  We’d be hired to promote their starring roles in The Cutting Edge 4: Ice Castles in the Ice coming out next Christmas.

His laptop: Bobby Ryan

Team USA’s biggest snub is in charge of Tweeting, Instagramming and live-blogging this party as it goes down.  Cats are allowed but absolutely nothing silver: no Coors Silver Bullet, no Patron Silver tequila, no games of quarters.

Not this shirt: Joe Thornton

The last time we partied like we were in college… well, we were in college.  We might have overlooked this shirt back then but the era of poor decision-making and Ed Hardy clothing has passed.   For heaven’s sake, there is a design on your jeans!  Give us your wallet, go tell Logan that Selena & Beiber are not back together and we’ll take care of this on Nordstrom.com.

Not any shirt: Victor Hedman

Does this party have a pool?  Victor Hedman is probably tan in February and we need a lifeguard – all these numbers that say Hedman should have been chosen make our heads swim.

Recycling Bags: Marty St. Louis

What the crap, right?  Marty may scowl disapprovingly at the pile of beer cans JStaal has crushed on his forehead, but that’s because he knows when the morning comes (or say, a 38th birthday), he’ll still be here showing these kids how it’s done.  Marty is the Last Dad Standing, so he’s on clean up.

UPDATE – Marshall: Tyler Seguin

How could I forget this?  All puppies are invited but especially if they bring Tyler Seguin.  And Tyler Seguin brings his dance moves.  (Thanks Jess!)

Jerseys, mittens, hats and flags: You 

Of course this hockey party will have hockey, and plenty of it, at all hours of the night and day.  If you saved vacation time, use it now.  While not all of our favorite players made it to Sochi, everyone from home to Russia will be supporting their country loudly and proudly.  And in some cases, other countries near their countries (maybe that’s just me).

If I didn’t pick your snubbed favorite, feel free to invite him.  We welcome anyone who brings snacks or is qualified to drive a Zamboni.

Video: CBC – Defending Gold: Inside the Making of Canada’s Team

It’s thirty minutes inside the minds and meetings of Team Canada’s architects as they deliberate who’ll wear the red and white in Sochi just over a month from now. The Honorable Stevie Y presiding.

Showing these kids how it’s done.

From Olympic camp back in August, let’s talk about something that’s more awkward that Lucic’s face in this shot – Phanuef’s cardigan.  No, I’m kidding.  I cover my anguish with humor, people!  It’s how I cope.

I’m talking about Mike Green.

Mike is not going to Russia.  There are days when I’m surprised they even let Mike go to Caps games.   His exclusion from the 2010 Canada roster was considered by many a huge snub, a year in which he had 76 points (holy shit) and got his second straight Norris nomination.  Critics pegged Mike as “too offensive” – as in point-scoring, not bothersome – when CAN needed stay-at-home blueliners.  Well compared to 2010, this season is roadkill so I think we can just look away (from my broken heart).

Don’t despair for long.  Team Canada will not lack things to make me happy.

Gah, there is a polo shirt shop in heaven and I’d like to work there.

Most of our cast of The Bachelorette (Part 1, Part 2) are here, method-acting out the roles we assigned for our show:

The Quarterback, gazing into the distance at his achievable dreams with complete disregard for that ladder’s feelings.

The Kid practicing his cursive for writing notes in study hall.

The Class Clown making it all look fun.  (PK might lose this grin when he hears them debating him later in the show.)

The Hot One, rakishly ignoring the photo of his own crazy face in the background while testing the structural integrity of yet another folding chair.

The Quiet One and other French guys being French and quiet.

The Bromance being exclusive.

Fine, you make a better screencap.

Not lost on me was this moment of foreshadowing.  I believe this is the look Crosby and Kunitz gave Neal after a certain incident involving a knee and a head and the desire to make this team.

#disapprovingPenguinstare

The look inside Yzerman’s war room is fascinating, talking about pressure, second-guessing and the chemistry required to put together not only the best team, but the right team.  I got a little nervous when they talked about specific guys: Nash, #TeamEbs, Stammer’s injury.  “They will see this!  They’ll hear you!”  It makes no difference though; on January 7, Yzerman and Co. will have us on the edge of our seats.

Who will get a rose and who will be crying in limo?  Most importantly, what are we going to buy?

Now it’s your turn: give us your thoughts, surprising snubs and bets on Superman Stamkos getting the nod.  If Stammer and Tavares make the team, Tavares won’t wear 91.  My purchase decision anxiety mounts.

Side note: It’s nice to know Canadians suffer the same trials as Americans when it comes to online/in demand TV – being forced to watch the same commercials ad nauseum.