John Tavares, middle school science teacher, registered tax lawyer and upholder of dad-styles, scores to tie the game with 53 seconds left, giving his team the chance to clinch their first playoff series victory in 23 years.

Just when you think it's over…#FLAvsNYI #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/hoetdpkeEI

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

Then John wins the game in double OT – which is waaaaaay past his bedtime, y’all.

John Tavares IS Captain Clutch. #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/sKMZzymhJv

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

The Empire State Building says “Hey Brooklyn”, while the tears of Rangers’ fans fuel my sweetest dreams.

Orange and red look really similar at 100 floors, but…

There is hugging.

I hoped they were going to do the Lift from Dirty Dancing.

And, as ever with John, helmet hair.

And front page news is made.

Okay, it’s back-page news, but on a tabloid. #same

Now when we write a Disney movie based on this blog, it’ll just be clips of last night.

I hope John celebrated wildly after the win. That he rushed out without even ironing his shirt collar, then drank ice tea, but in a pint glass so it looked like beer.

#protip

As mentioned, the Isles last won a playoff series in 1993. As a Pens fan, I remember this victory – it ended Pittsburgh’s bid for a third-straight Cup. John does not remember: he was 2 years old. I consoled myself by blasting The Bodyguard soundtrack and singing along to Whitney Houston in the shower – because it was the #1 album, and I wasn’t old enough to drive.

Was there a vote? I missed it.

I’ll soon be back to work, hoping every team (that isn’t mine) loses every single game. Two losers per series, zero winners, except the Penguins. Such is my playoff bloodlust that I would bend the rules of reality to my will. But for now, I’m taking a moment to be happy for John, because you know this is his wildest, lifelong dream of an aw-shucks moment.

Internally screaming

Vote in the Bardown Bracket HERE.

Until I tried it. And the problems began.

• Josi vs Gabe the Babe in the first round?! Can I just win the loser and go home happy?
• I don’t know 60% of the Pacific Division contenders. They play hockey past my bedtime.
• Tyler Seguin vs. Patrick Sharp? Like, you’re teammates on the train to the Capital, but once you hit the arena, it’s every handsome man for himself? I hope they refuse at the end and hold hands.
• Paul Martin made the bracket? Hey San Jose!
• Sidney Crosby vs. Jared Boll. Prince Charming vs. the Wicked Queen’s eyebrows.
• And then it was over. NO STAMKOS? NO TAVARES? What kind of rigged crap is this?

Much love for Uncle Joe.

So, I created a real, better bracket for us. With the help of everyone on Twitter during the Pens/Caps game last night, we present to you…

WUYS NHL Man Madness 2016

Now, it’s not perfect. I had to pick someone from every team, which meant only a few teams could send multiple handsome faces. Many competed, few made the bracket. I divided East vs West and used a random generator to seed the players.  The rest, as they say, is up to you.

VOTE HERE: WUYS NHL Man Madness 2016 Bracket Challenge (You don’t have to enter your email. Just hit Begin.)

UPDATE: If you voted before 10PM EST on Sunday night, I forgot to include Jamie Benn vs. Jordan Eberle. Probably because that’s like choosing cake or a different cake. I mean, how can you want just one? You can try here, in Oops, Jamie Benn vs Jordan Eberle.

You have until Wednesday night to vote, and we’ll move into the Semifinals on Thursday!

You jump, I… stay on this door and survive.

What the inside of my brain looks like.

Kidding! Okay, not really. An in-goal wine rack? If you went inside my brain like Being John Malkovich, you’d find yourself climbing one of these. Somebody get the creator of this miracle a Nobel Prize.

Also, Cnada provided us with this, courtesy of the Vancouver Canucks:

#Canucks #DiceandIce #lipsyncbattle is @JimmyFallon worthy.https://t.co/hkouWK5O9B

— Vancouver Canucks (@VanCanucks) February 24, 2016

Mamma mia. Lip sync battle is the greatest entertainment invention since the Puppy Bowl, and that’s even when Beyonce doesn’t show up. It’s also the highest art form I participate in daily. From my car.

Now, let’s be honest. I don’t know who any of these Canucks rookies are. And I am generally terrified of potential humiliation, so watching this was not easy! But I know all these songs and I must say, these guys nailed it.

It’s 5 O’Clock somewhere… in Canada. Because he’s 19.

Jake Virtanen did Alan Jackson’s “Chattahoochee” in a pair of pants that maybe fit him in high school. Good thing he didn’t pick a song with any booty-dropping or we’d have seen somebody’s Chattahoochee.

Ain’t nothing but a heartache.

Jared McCann (hi cutie!) went straight for our own hearts with some BSB. God, I love this song. It makes no sense – are they happy? Sad? They never want to hear us say we want it that way? But I thought they did want it that way?

Typical guys, with their mixed messages and wearing all-white in airports.

Canada’s Got, well… confidence is a talent, right?

Ben Hutton went all out with his choice of Aqua’s “Barbie Girl.” He was approximately a fetus when this song was released (okay, he was 4), but clearly this musical milestone resonates across the generations.

Admit it, you were worried at the start of Ben’s number. We were on the fast track to this for a hot second….

Vote for Pedro

Until this happened.

Come on Barbie, let’s go party.

Last, in the always-unfortunate slot after someone unbottons clothing, Sven Baertschi hit us with some Marvin Gaye. He doesn’t really know what the host is saying, or what the words are, or that he’s dressed like AJ McLean, so I assumed he’d be the one singing Backstreet Boys. Throw is some skating-ish dance moves and you’ve got yourself a fine performance, friend.

He’ll be there in a hurry.

There was no winner, though I think Sven had it in the bag with his turtleneck and chain. Did he confuse Marvin Gaye with The Lonely Island? I almost hope he did. I also hope more teams subject their players to forced participation for our amusement soon. Right after they give Chuck and I a good twenty minutes with that goal-sized wine rack.

So, in summary, you should vote for Canada. They’re the country of hockey-themed liquor cabinets and freestyle dancing by untrained white men. If that’s not the place for me and Chuck, then just leave us the wine.

Last night, Sid scored three very necessary goals to lead the Penguins to a 6-5 victory over Ottawa.

I won’t take credit for this particular scoring surge, but ask Lindsay if it might be the result of a conversation we had yesterday. I once ended the lockout, you know.

Hopefully this is a sign for the Pens, who currently hold the last EC wild card slot. The East is all jammed up: seven teams within two points, and all for third in the division.

Look at that goal differential . Holy Caps.

On Monday, Sid told press, “Our playoffs basically start now.” And he kinda smiled when he said it. [Video]

Somebody got a new hat.

While you were enjoying the Penguins goals and wondering WTAF they were doing between goals, I was practicing yoga with this Sid workout clip.

(Bless @Kiki5851 for finding this.)

Except I only managed Shavasana, where you lay on the floor looking dead while trying to compose yourself. I have elite skills.

Bonus feature.

Then, the Twitters told me that freshly-returned-from-injury Connor McDavid did this:

Well, shit. That is an amazing goal. Tell me again what you were doing in 1997, when he was born? My Home Ec class egg baby is older than Connor McDavid. (Haha, #TeamEggBaby it is!)

Alas, I saw no actual hockey AGAIN. I will be sending this post to the suggestion box at NHL TV – which probably does work, because obviously.

It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

What is this gif? I’ve been watching it for 20 mins and I’m crying.

HI GUYS! Remember me? I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet and go over half a season of hockey that I’ve mostly missed. How does this happen? My life is like space in Interstellar, where time barely passes, while hockey and this blog remain on Earth, getting 80 years older every day without me.

So, All-Star Game?

Is anyone watching this? I kinda sorta almost totally forgot about it until someone mentioned John  Tavares’ pants.

@JennMJones531 to the rescue.

That will get my attention, even from space.

Mixing space movie metaphors!! (Spends five hours looking at Matt Damon gifs.)

So, Crosby didn’t get invited. That’s old news. I wrote a mental blog post called “10 Things Sid Can Do Instead of the ASG”, which was quite funny.  You should read it sometime when you develop mind-reading powers.  Or tomorrow, if I get around to posting it.

The newer news is Ovi and Toews are hurt/sick and also suspended. The NHL sure knows how to cry when the whole class doesn’t come to their party.

Truth hurts, ASG.

Alas, with no drunken draft, most of the fun is gone from the weekend anyway. The NHL has realized this too late and made some replacement efforts to attract our attention:

1) Made John Tavares captain. He probably suggested this Footloose-inspired sobriety nonsense, for fear a real charitable organization might think Ovi was actually poor and needed a new car. The paperwork on that tax headache!  But it does mean more camera time for Captain T and the Pleated Pants.

Does this data come in a pie chart?

2) Dierks Bentley. HOLLER. I love country music, and Dierks is a big Preds fan, and everybody likes tight jeans. He’ll be one of the celeb coaches at the game.

We would get drunk on this plane.

3) All the Foxy Fridays. Damn if they didn’t replace Toews with James Neal. The NHL knew I wasn’t paying attention and just waved a red ginger flag in my face.

endsmile

Add that to Pekka Rinne, Shea Weber and all-time FF fave, Roman Josi, and the home team is, um, well represented.  Other Foxy Fridays on the roster: Jamie Benn, Matt Duchene, Patrick Kane, Tyler Seguin, Jonathan Quick, Patrice Bergeron, Ryan O’Reilly, Ben Bishop, Claude Giroux, holy crap are we there yet?, Evgeni Malkin, the aforementioned John Tavares, CPA, His Disney Highness Kris Letang, Ryan McDonaugh and Braden Holtby.

Answer: Making Pants hate herself.

Note: Stamkos, #TeamHall and Nicky Backstrom have never been Foxy Fridays. This blog is a sham. Shut it down.

What kind of irresponsible journalism is this?!

4) 3-on-3 Format. I won’t pretend to have an opinion on this, as I’ve watched approximately one OT period all season, but it sounds exciting. Top players + more open ice = more goals, right? But hasn’t the All-Star Game always ended in some Hobbit score of twelveses to eleventy anyway? Maybe the “last place in the draft” prize can be repurposed to the only player who doesn’t score a hat trick on Sunday.

Ovi wasn’t last, but someone did give him a car to donate to charity.

5) The John Scott story. Voted into the ASG by fans, then traded and assigned to the AHL, the saga of whether or not John Scott would appear in the ASG has been ongoing news. Yesterday, Scott published this first person account in The Player’s Tribune. In it, he explains how someone from the NHL encouraged him, even now, not to attend this weekend’s events.

SCREW YOU, NHL. Wrong, bad, stupid, and also, WHY? John Scott may be the only player who actually cares about this game, and you think he should stay home? Do you think the fans who voted him in should not watch? Oh no, you want them. You NEED them.

She’ll be proud.

Read the Player’s Tribune story. It will make you want to buy a John Scott jersey and stand up in your living room when he takes the ice on Sunday. I hope every player shows up wearing his name. You may not like Scott’s brand of hockey, but it is part of hockey. Scott may not be an elite player, but he is a player. Was a player? Will be an NHL player again? Who knows. But if you love the game, you have to love it’s scars.

So, see you guys tomorrow night on the Twitters to techno-judge the real skills at Skills Competition: hair, beard, sass? Our trifecta of All-Star Weekend talents.

Plans are already made for pajamas (er, Chewbacca onesie), takeout and couch recuperation on Friday to watch the big game! Chuck got a ticket – woohoo! – so look for her on TV.

Sharp eye of the Fashion Police

Maybe she should borrow my onesie.

Who’s scruffy looking?

I look way more excited than this guy in my outfit, but faced the same problem: what kind of shoes go with a Chewbacca suit?

Obviously.

And now, we turn to Elodie…

With weeks to go until New Year’s Day and its symbolic game, this year’s Road to the NHL Winter Classic is back on EPIX, this time trying to give us a glimpse of the lives of the Montreal Canadiens and the Boston Bruins.

If you don’t know, this is a rivalry for the ages. One of – if not the – most bitter in the NHL. To this day, these teams have faced each other more than any other two teams in the league, and they simply really, really dislike each other.

The kids who spawned a thousand memes.

Let me be honest – I’m a Bruins fan, inclined to turn a side-eye to every bit of the show that is about the Habs. Yet even I have to admit that if there’s one thing this first episode of Road the the NHL Winter Classic did well, it was keeping the focus on a player that it is almost impossible to hate: PK Subban.

Related: PK as Don Cherry makes Strombo pee his pants. [Video]

There’s a beautiful moment, in the opening for the Habs’ section of the show, where PK putting on the most outrageous red fur coat. My friends and I couldn’t help but wonder, does he dress like that all the time, or is it just for the cameras? We could completely believe he wears this thing out every day.

Echoes of his NHL Awards suit

Turns out, the coat is for the cameras, but his teammates fall for the joke and their reactions are glorious.

There’s also this pretty interesting bit where PK lets us in into one of his “hobbies”: suit designing. He says it himself, he likes to look good. And he does. Can’t wait to see what he pulls out for the Winter Classic.

Okay, enough Habs. None of this compares to the delightful moments with the Bruins we get to see! From Zdeno Chara walking around Boston, going to his favorite barber (the same one that shaved his playoff beard after winning the Cup, the one Chara brought the Cup to) and stopping by a youth hockey team from Halifax for pictures and autographs, to Brad Marchand soulfully gazing out of his bedroom window before putting on a (very sharp) suit, it’s all pretty intimate.

[Editors note: You know I didn’t write that about Marchand! *P]

But no moment is more intimate that the few minutes we get with Patrice Bergeron. Bergy, flawless, perfect Patrice, is famously known his discretion.  Never would I have expected to see 8-week old baby Zack featured on the show. And yet, this happened…

:: synchronized swoon ::

So ovaries everywhere imploded in hushed whimpers. The show also featured Stephanie Bergeron gushing about how good a father Patrice is, and I had to rewind and rewatch a couple of times, making pained noises throughout the whole thing.

The preview for the upcoming episodes also seem to show that we’ll be introduced to Tuukka Rask’s tiny blonde Finnish baby, which is something that nobody expected either, because these guys, they don’t share.

Cindy Lou Tuuk? Cindy Tuu Who? I can’t make this joke work.

Other awww-inducing moments of note: Patches and his tiny child playing about in the bowels of the Bell Center:

Yankees hat. This kid is good.

Mainly, my brain short-circuited post-Bergy and I retained very little of everything else. To be fair, as first episodes go, this one was heavy on exposition. Hopefully they’ll find the hooks they had least year, like Latta and Wilson’s bromance, or a bevvy of family holiday skates to pack it all up with cuteness and babies everywhere. I am eagerly awaiting more baby Bergy, and Rask, and the exceptionally cute baby Krejci:

From the lovely Mrs. Krejci – @naomikrejci

This show has always been at its best when there’s more than a rivalry narrative to hang onto, so I’ll look forward to next week’s show. The Bruins played some good games (sayonara, Penguins!) while Episode 2 was filming. I, for one, will be satisfied with babies everywhere, but I may be easy to please.

[Thanks, Elodie! See you next week. *P]

This year, it’s the Habs vs. the Bruins at Foxboro Stadium in Boston on January 1. EPIX once again has cameras embedded with each team to bring you their 4-part behind the scenes series “Road to the NHL Winter Classic.”

The show premieres tonight at 10/9 Central. You can watch it LIVE and FREE on EPIX.com. (I wonder if they got any footage of that “Frozen” karaoke video being recorded… or if we’ve really seen all we need.)

We are pretty excited – as is Puck Daddy – because, let’s face it, we are hoping for The PK Subban Show. Even Chuck, Bruins fan that she is, can’t say no to the PK.

The Penguins are in Boston tonight for a Wednesday Night Rivalry game, airing on NBC Sports. The “Road to the Winter Classic” episode stays available online after it’s 10 PM airtime, so you can catch it after the game.

Our favorite hangover remedy

871 career games, 409 career points

As explained by Puck Daddy, it’s not an official retirement because Duper still has years left on his contract with the Penguins. He will go on LTIR for the balance of time.

While this is undoubtedly a smart move, it breaks my little heart. Duper is beyond a fan favorite. He’s like everyone’s wacky uncle, and you know holidays will be more stressful without him at the table. He looked out for his teammates, especially awkward Crosby, and always seemed to be looking out for us at the same time.

Thanks for the memories.

To celebrate Duper, here are my 5 favorite Pascal Dupuis moments:

1. PRANKS: Duper rigged the toilet in their room to hose down Crosby upon flushing. I’d put money on it being his idea to fill Kadar’s car with styrofoam peanuts. Nealer knew it was Duper when someone tied a tail to his car… just in time for his NHL 36 special.

2. Which leads us to HAIR STYLIST. Bless his sarcastic, teasing heart.

Doing our work for us.

3. Duper’s running joke with DAAAAAAAN Potash, making every intermission a possible trip to laughland. Like this one, this one and, oh heck, they’re all my favorites. Here, Duper narrates a compilation like he’s so proud he got all his teammates in on the master plan.

4. And then there’s THE BEARD. I always want the Pens in the Final, and Duper would have been an odds-on Penguin favorite for Beard of the Year.  Here’s to the pelted manbeard that Crosby’s babyscruff looked up to all these years.

2009 Stanley Cup champ

5. Of course there’s MY FANGIRL MOMENT. I meet a lot of famous people through my job. Really famous people. And I never get stupid, giddy, stammering excited like I do around hockey players I love.

Me, holding it together.

What I’ll really miss most are the days Dupuis-Crosby-Kunitz were SCORING GOALS like we eat nachos – lots of ’em, and as fast as possible. It’s been a while since this combo clicked, but the Penguins believed in reuniting them as recently as this week. [Post-Gazette]  My stubborn loyalty always believed it too.

We wish Duper the best of luck, and hope to see him coaching an aspect of the Pens game very soon. Perhaps improving it. There is certainly room for that right now.

Meet my friend Jess. Isn’t she pretty? With her red coat and red hair, she could be the Caps mascot… except they already have one (more on this later).

The Moore Sisters (no relation)

I recently won a Caps Ultimate Fan Experience, and took Jess as my date. The package consists of watching warm-ups from the penalty box, plus two lower-level seats. Which, after watching warm-ups from the penalty box, seem like they’re in the parking lot.

You can buy these ticket packages here. They come with a jersey and run $250+ depending on the game you want. The Stars game was lowest tier. Obviously that schedule was made last season! For a special occasion, or if you wanted to impress your hockey blogger wife (ahem), it’s pretty darned cool.

Queen of All She Surveys

How are we ever going to watch warm-ups from anywhere else? Would we ever get used to pucks pinging off the glass non-stop in front of our faces? Maybe if I’d been looking at the Caps’ side, I’d have seen those pucks coming. But Jamie Benn was right there.

Dramatic reenactment

After acting like we owned the place/team/universe, and taking a sneaky photo with Caps’ announcer Wes Johnson…

Excuse me sir, would you record my outgoing voicemail?

We moved to our excellent 7th row seats right at the goal line where the Stars shot twice. Now, we were definitely rooting for the Caps, but the Stars have some high-powered offense and it was fun to watch Benn & Seguin connect for a goal up close. If I could teleport, I would have revealed my power to the world when I popped into the middle of their hug.

Not the actual hug, but I am not picky.

Our Tweet was even featured on the Jumbotron, which I then included in a Tweet about the Jumbotron. It was all very meta.

I can see the nachos from here.

The already epic night held two more highlights in store. First, I had the pleasure of meeting Erin (@ErinMIHaley) and Jen (@jhro_jhro), and talking some hockey in real life with people I talk to on the Twitters all the time. I love this. If you ever come to Verizon, say the word and we’ll meet by the Dunkin’ Donuts. (Which no longer has iced tea, so maybe we’ll meet somewhere else.)

Interweb friends

The second shiny object was literally one for the record books. Ovechkin scored career goal number 484, passing Sergei Federov and claiming the title of most goals by a Russian-born player in NHL history.

I do miss him on Twitter: @ovi8

Ovi has never been my favorite, but I’ve seen quite a few of those goals in person and this was a pretty fantastic moment, both for him and the Caps’ faithful.

Bald is beautiful

To round out the night – and maybe because he was afraid of Jess taking his job – Slapshot came down and paid us a visit. The Caps didn’t win the game, but we definitely had a winner of a night.

Sir, I can’t see over your plumage.

Since losing this game to Dallas, the Caps have won 5 straight and jumped over the NYR (whoop!) for first in the Metro Division. Now if only the Penguins could stop losing in OT and get those second points….

Dan Potash knows what news we can use.

Instant, full-volume inner monologue:

Outside the glass-slash-TV screen.

It’s a understatement to say  the Crosbot is off to a slow start this season. With 3 G and 7 A, his 10 points rank him 134th in the League. This from a guy who finished third in goals last year, and was only beaten on the very last day. The Pens, however, have turned around the struggle bus around and are now 4th in the East (8th in the League) with 24 points.

So what’s the most superstitious guy in the locker room League world to do?

pic.twitter.com/T5gw59x803

— Stephanie (@myregularface) November 20, 2015

He actually changed something. Is the world ending? Look outside. Have you seen any locusts today? How about frogs? If you see one, RUN. A plague may follow.

Even websites that are not this blog are talking about it:  Sporting News | Pensburgh | All of Twitter

From so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com, hashtagged #hishairlookssuper90shere

I imagine Sid debating “warm-up helmet” vs. “peanut butter-and-something-not-jelly” at length. Perhaps he called a friend (John Tavares) who used graph paper to plot the pros and cons (John Tavares).  He didn’t just throw off his helmet in the tunnel and ask Duper to hockey-stick his hair.

Or maybe he did.

https://twitter.com/brittamulaney/status/667491594250166272

Either way, it worked. It even works with that mustache (er, in spite of the mustache). And it worked in real life, as Sid scored the game winning goal vs. Colorado. You know what that means.

:: hair ruffle ::

Forever. Or at least longer than the mustache lasts, a girl can hope.

Full report at 11.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal!

IT’S A PIG! Named Truffles! It is in the Pens & Paws annual animal rescue calendar and isn’t it precious?!

You can see the whole video here. For highlights, there are hockey players and dogs:

For the life of me, I can;tt get a screencap without the arrow on his backside.

And puppies:

PUPPIES LOVE

And pets who’ve surpassed WUYS’ squad goals:

This pup rolls deep.

Stealing the show is our new favorite Penguin-slash-gingerbeard savior and fan of  teensy kittens and squatty fat cats alike, Ian Cole.

I’m calling him Cat Cafe Cole from now on.

We have evidence of the first ever wild animal to try to escape from Geno’s massive grasp:

It doesn’t work, of course.

And Sid comparing body types with this hunky guy.

How much do you squat?

Let’s get one more look at this.

:: internet sigh ::

And, hey, since we have it…

The dog is looking for his agent, because he was supposed to be the cutest one here.

Link to more photos.

We’ll let you know when calendars go on sale. The proceeds will benefit the Animal Rescue League and Wildlife Center. As the proud (er, obsessed) parent of a rescue pet, allow me to remind you: Adopt, Don’t Shop!

If you want to laugh at my dog obsession, enjoy. Instagram: blue.houla.

I have high hopes for a pirate Halloween costume.

Take this in: Sidney Crosby woke up on roster photo day and did not shave. Good gosh. He probably ironed the folds in his living room curtains, ate a PB&J at exactly 8:07 AM, put his clothes on in order of threadcount, but he did not shave. Crazy, right?

No. Because everyone’s doing it.

And for JT, I’m thinking Indiana Jones for Halloween.

Literally everyone. John Tavares, who are you? Is that a kinda-beard? For someone who doesn’t know what hipsters are, you’re looking pretty… pretty. Like a pumpkin spice latte wrapped in a houndstooth scarf that insists on riding its bike until the first snow falls. Gotta get to that middle school science class you’re teaching!

You know, Indiana Jones was a kind of science teacher.

Please let scruff be this season’s thing. We’ve had long hair and tattoos creeping toward necks-slash-featuring graveyards and… #ScruffWatch2015, please. A season-long build up to BeardWatch could be just the inspiration we all need!

Right guy, wrong movie.

Here are links if you’re the type to enjoy a HUGE version of Sid’s photo. Just give up, everyone else. (There appear to be a few pixels missing right under his nose. Clearly a Flyers fan Photoshop hack, yes?)  Here’s the entire Penguins headshot gallery.

Also enjoy the Islanders roster, looking monochromatically dramatic.

These pictures are gigantic. You could make a life-sized cardboard cutout of John Tavares… and marry it. (I say “you” because I am already married. Is it polygamy to marry a photo? What if it just rides shotgun while I drive in the carpool lane?)

“Listen up Fives, a Ten is speaking.”

[Note: I can’t find a single .gif of Princess Unikitty from The Lego Movie saying, “Marry a marshmallow!” and my despair nearly derailed this whole post.]

As promised.

For heaven’s sake, even Kessel is rocking a gingerbeard, because he reads important news sources like this blog. Let the makeover begin.

Make that a Pittsburgh Ten

The day before Brenda was heading to Texas on vacation, she got a Facebook message from a friend: Henrik Lundqvist was doing a signing at Birchbox in SoHo for the first 150 people who bought either a t-shirt or a pair of boxer briefs from Bread & Boxers (for whom he’s a spokesmodel spokesman). So of course she ran for the door, down the street and got there 2.5 hours early. To be 6th in line.  She managed some coherent speech and minimal swooning while posing for this:

Mr. June, obviously.

According to Brenda, “His shirt was SO SOFT” and she strongly resisted the urge to pet his hair. Because you can’t be in jail and go to Austin for a week of Stars practice! On to Texas, where Brenda stayed with Vicky (of VickyAndNikkisFiveHole). She reports:

Day 1: Jamie Benn seems to be pretty well recovered from his surgery. Must be that new strength and conditioning coach fitness model he’s been dating. He was skating quite a bit on a line with Eaves, which is WAY too much hotness for one line.

Parts his hair with a protractor.

Between practices they brought in a huge group of little kids on a school field trip, who all got Seguin jerseys and were quizzed them about hockey and the Stars. Seggy took a selfie with them [Twitter]. Seguin & Sharp also spent a bunch of time on a line together. If we thought that the combo of Benn & Eaves was as good as it could get, Sharpie & Seggy certainly gave them a run for their money.

Pants: Completely forgot he was a Star.

Later in the day, Jordie Benn’s beard showed off its post-season form. And I’m just going to say right now that the moment that Stephen Johns makes it to the NHL, he’ll need a Foxy Friday IMMEDIATELY. (Pants, he has a ginger beard!).

Okay, we believe you.

Later that night the Stars had an outdoor fan fest, which included a bouncy house (for kids only – boo) and a TERRIBLE cover band who wore different colored Adidas track. [Pants note: That sounds kind of awesome.] There were Q&A sessions and I was able to get autographs from all of the players who were there. I also got to meet the lovely Carolyn & Merrin from Two Bearded Ladies. I felt an immediate bond with Carolyn upon learning of our shared deep and abiding love of Brandon Bollig. Of course I also managed to find a fellow NY Ranger fan and had to introduce myself to him. #BlueshirtsUnited [Pants note: Hashtags you’ll never again see on this blog.]

Day 2: Vicky & I were running late, and spied Jordie Benn, Jason Demers, Kari Lehtonen & 2 other players trying to get back into the arena after apparently running to the nearby gas station for snacks. [Pants note: They need an Intern Jeff Skinner!] Eventually someone did let them in. Incredibly, not even three minutes later, Demers was already on the ice. How did he get dressed so quickly???

On Day 2, the Stars decided to unveil their strategy for the upcoming season: blind the rest of the league with their beauty. For a large portion of the practice, Benn, Seguin, Sharp, Demers & Oduya skated together as a 5-man unit. Jesus, Dallas, are you trying to KILL us??? I’m shocked that the ice did not melt (full disclosure: we melted – A LOT). A bunch of other stuff happened at practice, too, but honestly, who cares?

Discussing #BeardWatch2016 odds

Day 3: Today was the “official” scrimmage that you had to pay to attend, as well as the only day concession stands were open, so of course I took advantage and had a frozen strawberry margarita. We were excited that they were handing out rally towels to fans, until we discovered that they were left over from Mike Modano’s retirement night from 2014. Very lame, Stars! Vicky & I were joined by Le’Loni, Micah & Laura, her fellow Texas Stars Ice Patrol friends, and Nikki, the other half of VickyAndNikkisFiveHole. We were NOTHING but trouble. A lot of people were SUPER PISSED that Jamie Benn & Ales Hemsky didn’t skate in the scrimmage. Still, it was really fun. Seggy looked great, scoring 2 goals but missing on a penalty shot.

You miss 100% of the abs you never show.

The funniest part of the day was that Merrin was able to get Jamie to sign the notebook (available at the Two Bearded Ladies online shop) that has a picture of a sloth in a hockey helmet hanging from a hockey stick along with a quote from Jamie’s scouting report: “We’re not sure if he’s really that slow, or if he just refuses to move.” Well done, ma’am.

Twobeardedladies.wordpress.com

[Pants note: STOP. Their subtitle is “If you’re gonna play in Texas, you gotta have a beard on your face”!! I swear I did NOT see that before titling this post. #soulmates]

Day 4: The best part of the ENTIRE camp was that after the scrimmage (and after the laps that both squads had to skate), Sharp and Oduya were out on the ice. We thought maybe they were going to do some drills with the coaches, but then Oduya skated off. Sharp skated a bit with the puck and then shot it right at the boards below us (we were sitting right on the glass). We laughed and waved at him. He skated by and then turned around and smiled at us and flipped the puck over the glass to me. Another woman who was sitting at the other end of the row went to get it (it had gone behind me), but there was ZERO CHANCE I was letting anyone get the puck that Sharpie had clearly wanted ME to have. Shockingly, in my entire life (we don’t need to talk about exactly how many years that is), this is the first time I’ve ever had a player give me a puck. A 3-time Stanley Cup champion is a pretty outstanding place to start, don’t you think?

Signed: The World’s Most Handsome Man

Day 5: After the last practice, Sharpie was talking to some of the fans on his way off the ice and I was able to get him to sign the puck he’d given me the day before (side bar: his hands are very soft). YESSSS!!! So in the space of 8 days, I met 2 of the 3 best looking men in the NHL (Patrice Bergeron being the third – although I met him at the NHL store this past season), which is pretty ridiculous. I am feeling very blessed. Thank you, hockey gods!

Sizing up the competition.

Thankfully pre-season hockey is here and regular season hockey is right around the corner. Let’s go Rangers!

[Pants note: I’ll let her have that one. Thank you, Brenda! And be sure to check out the other female-written hockey blogs in this post: @vickyandnikki  and @beardiestladies!]

VickyandVikkis5hole.wordpress.com

I know. We have been everywhere except in front of our computers lately, or honestly in front of TVs watching hockey. Who vacations in the spring? Fools! I looked at my calendar and all of a sudden:

1. It’s almost April.
2. The Penguins have 9 games left.

I AM ALARMED.

It’s my own fault, except for the part that is the Penguins’ fault for losing 5 of 6 including one OT game. In March. I would have felt implosive rage except I was on the beach reading Eat, Pray, Love for the third time, so I trust you guys felt my share. Now, it’s time to…

Looking at the standings makes me want to barf. Trying to figure out who’s got in-conference games, games in hand, four-point games… someone hold my hair. I know it’s a selfish panic, because at least the Pens are currently in playoff standing. It could be worse.

I love Chuck, but man, I hate the Bruins so much and it’s every woman for herself down the stretch. I’m jumping over dead bodies like I need to beat a zombie to Terminus.

Note: The Bruins are not dead, but who the &$#@ thought Ottawa would win seven in a row? Sometimes, you just want to:

Anyway, I have my own problems, and they look like TWO MORE GAMES VS. THE FLYERS. That is high drama and TV ratings gold, but holy hell. My head might spin clean around. I can’t even comprehend the Rangers being first in the Metro – and by eight points! Islanders, you had one job!

That is not the job I’m talking about! GAH.

So here we go, down the stretch, with claws out and no mercy. Please let the Penguins pass the Isles, the Caps make the playoffs, the Rangers lose every remaining game, Crosby win the scoring race and Tavares need a hug afterward.

You guys with us?

Jeez, is anyone else hungry? I could stress-eat two who pizzas right now.

But two drinks in, the bridesmaids are yelling, “DIBS!” and making shanks out of bobby pins.

The dads, like Alison’s dad there on the left (not really), are warming up their, “Have you met my daughter?” speeches.

While the groomsmen try not to look too drunk…

Even if they have to count reaaalllllyyy sllooowwwlllly…

And the married guys keep interrupting their attempts to flirt,

When they’re not laughing because they know how much an open bar costs.

But no matter how hard they try, there is always one guy who ends up going home alone.

Here are the full photo gallery and PensTV Video. Celina talks so fast that I am out of breath before they even get to Crosby, but this is something you’d (er, I would) probably pay a fortune to attend.  There is far less chance of physical embarrassment dealing cards than carrying plates, and I can’t help thinking Beau Bennett is a lot safer in this low-impact environment.

Twenty bucks says that Ehrhoff, tired of being left out, rigs the Secret Santa so he can buy Letang a selfie stick.

Because he knows we love guys in glasses.

The Dallas Stars also had a casino night this week. Furthering their quest to be Your Favorite Team, here’s video in which Jamie Benn admits his favorite part is “mingling with the female crowd” who sit at his table.

No shame if you just tried to buy a ticket for next year’s event like this:

Because:

So:

Which is the only thing on Earth he isn’t good at.

This is a guy who scored his first NHL goal on his first NHL shot during his first NHL shift in his first NHL game. Remember when he got so mad at the All-Star Skills Competition because he didn’t hear the cue to start? This look on his face is TrueToews, the one he keeps locked away since Captain Serious changed his costume. There is also a puppy, in case any of me survived.

This comes hot on the tail of Tazer’s vitally important in-arena message: don’t get up to pee during the game. HOLD IT, PEOPLE! (Everyone looks at me, doing the pee pee dance in my seat.) That glorious contribution can be seen here.

BlackhawksTV, still the best.

Smile, there are girls watching.

Yeah, I’m a sucker.  Check out video of Crosby & friends surprising the Little Penguins hockey camp yesterday.

You can tell Flower has a kid, because he is not afraid to pick them up and spin them around and tackle them. The rest of this is like a Meeting of the Future Hot Dads of Western Pennsylvania:

It’s an omelet!

Sorry, wrong picture.

Then I surprised her with flowers and…

Yeah, that one. As usual, the kids are having fun, but the guys are having even more.

Do they make those socks in long?

Does this make you want to have kids? I showed it to my mom, who gave me “Disappointed Parent Re: Failure to Procreate Face”, then pronounced MAF her favorite Penguin. He has not let her down.

Go forward, tiny human.

The Little Penguins program, which Crosby sponsors, outfits kids with head-to-toe gear and they participate in camps. There are even some girls-only camps, because girls rule.

Video: Crosby at Little Pens practice in 2013

It’s not nice to make fun of people, unless they’re Borts. That’s okay.

Here’s a story on it from USA Today, plus a few shots on Penguins’ Instagram and Snapchat, if you know how to use that. Maybe these kids could teach me after hockey practice.

This game is called “What’s Wrong With Our Power Play!”

No surprise there.

PensTV has a video feature from the event. Everyone is always having so much fun, from the players to the kids. And who wouldn’t? Bowling makes awkward lumps of us all – except apparently Simon Despres, who owns his own bowling gear.

Work hard, play hard.

For most, even professional athletes, bowling is a great equalizer where success comes accidentally but often enough that you feel you might just actually get the hang of this someday. If not, there’s usually a crane game and maybe even karaoke.

Is it easier to bowl with long arms?

Not Geno, though. He’s a pro. He’s Grease lightning. He bowled two strikes in a row. [Video]

I am score.

How’d everyone else do?

I cannot work Snapchat, people.

Coach Johnston (who I think of as “Coach J,” as if he’s my own coach) seems like a kindly high school principal, guiding his charges into adulthood with calm and poise. I have the urge to ask him what to do with my future, so he can explain it in a way that makes me realize I knew all along.

Right, BSutts? Right.

Check out a few more photos at Make A Wish of GPA & WV. I leave you with this:

All that, and snacks too.

Donations to Make-a-Wish (still tax deductible through April 15!) can be made at www.wish.org.