It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

What is this gif? I’ve been watching it for 20 mins and I’m crying.

HI GUYS! Remember me? I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet and go over half a season of hockey that I’ve mostly missed. How does this happen? My life is like space in Interstellar, where time barely passes, while hockey and this blog remain on Earth, getting 80 years older every day without me.

So, All-Star Game?

Is anyone watching this? I kinda sorta almost totally forgot about it until someone mentioned John  Tavares’ pants.

@JennMJones531 to the rescue.

That will get my attention, even from space.

Mixing space movie metaphors!! (Spends five hours looking at Matt Damon gifs.)

So, Crosby didn’t get invited. That’s old news. I wrote a mental blog post called “10 Things Sid Can Do Instead of the ASG”, which was quite funny.  You should read it sometime when you develop mind-reading powers.  Or tomorrow, if I get around to posting it.

The newer news is Ovi and Toews are hurt/sick and also suspended. The NHL sure knows how to cry when the whole class doesn’t come to their party.

Truth hurts, ASG.

Alas, with no drunken draft, most of the fun is gone from the weekend anyway. The NHL has realized this too late and made some replacement efforts to attract our attention:

1) Made John Tavares captain. He probably suggested this Footloose-inspired sobriety nonsense, for fear a real charitable organization might think Ovi was actually poor and needed a new car. The paperwork on that tax headache!  But it does mean more camera time for Captain T and the Pleated Pants.

Does this data come in a pie chart?

2) Dierks Bentley. HOLLER. I love country music, and Dierks is a big Preds fan, and everybody likes tight jeans. He’ll be one of the celeb coaches at the game.

We would get drunk on this plane.

3) All the Foxy Fridays. Damn if they didn’t replace Toews with James Neal. The NHL knew I wasn’t paying attention and just waved a red ginger flag in my face.

endsmile

Add that to Pekka Rinne, Shea Weber and all-time FF fave, Roman Josi, and the home team is, um, well represented.  Other Foxy Fridays on the roster: Jamie Benn, Matt Duchene, Patrick Kane, Tyler Seguin, Jonathan Quick, Patrice Bergeron, Ryan O’Reilly, Ben Bishop, Claude Giroux, holy crap are we there yet?, Evgeni Malkin, the aforementioned John Tavares, CPA, His Disney Highness Kris Letang, Ryan McDonaugh and Braden Holtby.

Answer: Making Pants hate herself.

Note: Stamkos, #TeamHall and Nicky Backstrom have never been Foxy Fridays. This blog is a sham. Shut it down.

What kind of irresponsible journalism is this?!

4) 3-on-3 Format. I won’t pretend to have an opinion on this, as I’ve watched approximately one OT period all season, but it sounds exciting. Top players + more open ice = more goals, right? But hasn’t the All-Star Game always ended in some Hobbit score of twelveses to eleventy anyway? Maybe the “last place in the draft” prize can be repurposed to the only player who doesn’t score a hat trick on Sunday.

Ovi wasn’t last, but someone did give him a car to donate to charity.

5) The John Scott story. Voted into the ASG by fans, then traded and assigned to the AHL, the saga of whether or not John Scott would appear in the ASG has been ongoing news. Yesterday, Scott published this first person account in The Player’s Tribune. In it, he explains how someone from the NHL encouraged him, even now, not to attend this weekend’s events.

SCREW YOU, NHL. Wrong, bad, stupid, and also, WHY? John Scott may be the only player who actually cares about this game, and you think he should stay home? Do you think the fans who voted him in should not watch? Oh no, you want them. You NEED them.

She’ll be proud.

Read the Player’s Tribune story. It will make you want to buy a John Scott jersey and stand up in your living room when he takes the ice on Sunday. I hope every player shows up wearing his name. You may not like Scott’s brand of hockey, but it is part of hockey. Scott may not be an elite player, but he is a player. Was a player? Will be an NHL player again? Who knows. But if you love the game, you have to love it’s scars.

So, see you guys tomorrow night on the Twitters to techno-judge the real skills at Skills Competition: hair, beard, sass? Our trifecta of All-Star Weekend talents.

And now, we turn to Elodie…

With weeks to go until New Year’s Day and its symbolic game, this year’s Road to the NHL Winter Classic is back on EPIX, this time trying to give us a glimpse of the lives of the Montreal Canadiens and the Boston Bruins.

If you don’t know, this is a rivalry for the ages. One of – if not the – most bitter in the NHL. To this day, these teams have faced each other more than any other two teams in the league, and they simply really, really dislike each other.

The kids who spawned a thousand memes.

Let me be honest – I’m a Bruins fan, inclined to turn a side-eye to every bit of the show that is about the Habs. Yet even I have to admit that if there’s one thing this first episode of Road the the NHL Winter Classic did well, it was keeping the focus on a player that it is almost impossible to hate: PK Subban.

Related: PK as Don Cherry makes Strombo pee his pants. [Video]

There’s a beautiful moment, in the opening for the Habs’ section of the show, where PK putting on the most outrageous red fur coat. My friends and I couldn’t help but wonder, does he dress like that all the time, or is it just for the cameras? We could completely believe he wears this thing out every day.

Echoes of his NHL Awards suit

Turns out, the coat is for the cameras, but his teammates fall for the joke and their reactions are glorious.

There’s also this pretty interesting bit where PK lets us in into one of his “hobbies”: suit designing. He says it himself, he likes to look good. And he does. Can’t wait to see what he pulls out for the Winter Classic.

Okay, enough Habs. None of this compares to the delightful moments with the Bruins we get to see! From Zdeno Chara walking around Boston, going to his favorite barber (the same one that shaved his playoff beard after winning the Cup, the one Chara brought the Cup to) and stopping by a youth hockey team from Halifax for pictures and autographs, to Brad Marchand soulfully gazing out of his bedroom window before putting on a (very sharp) suit, it’s all pretty intimate.

[Editors note: You know I didn’t write that about Marchand! *P]

But no moment is more intimate that the few minutes we get with Patrice Bergeron. Bergy, flawless, perfect Patrice, is famously known his discretion.  Never would I have expected to see 8-week old baby Zack featured on the show. And yet, this happened…

:: synchronized swoon ::

So ovaries everywhere imploded in hushed whimpers. The show also featured Stephanie Bergeron gushing about how good a father Patrice is, and I had to rewind and rewatch a couple of times, making pained noises throughout the whole thing.

The preview for the upcoming episodes also seem to show that we’ll be introduced to Tuukka Rask’s tiny blonde Finnish baby, which is something that nobody expected either, because these guys, they don’t share.

Cindy Lou Tuuk? Cindy Tuu Who? I can’t make this joke work.

Other awww-inducing moments of note: Patches and his tiny child playing about in the bowels of the Bell Center:

Yankees hat. This kid is good.

Mainly, my brain short-circuited post-Bergy and I retained very little of everything else. To be fair, as first episodes go, this one was heavy on exposition. Hopefully they’ll find the hooks they had least year, like Latta and Wilson’s bromance, or a bevvy of family holiday skates to pack it all up with cuteness and babies everywhere. I am eagerly awaiting more baby Bergy, and Rask, and the exceptionally cute baby Krejci:

From the lovely Mrs. Krejci – @naomikrejci

This show has always been at its best when there’s more than a rivalry narrative to hang onto, so I’ll look forward to next week’s show. The Bruins played some good games (sayonara, Penguins!) while Episode 2 was filming. I, for one, will be satisfied with babies everywhere, but I may be easy to please.

[Thanks, Elodie! See you next week. *P]

Disclaimers:

Chuck: I have watched some Western Conferences games this year, but those 10pm start times are killers. My predictions are based off:  the games I HAVE watch; NHL Network, what I’ve read about the teams, and Ms. Cleo.

Pants: I need to be honest here for a second. Can I vote for the Oilers? No? Then I don’t know anything about the West. I will predict – I may even have emotions – but everything I think about the Western Conf. is learned from reading other predictions or the final NHL standings. Basically, I am cheating off all your tests.

western conference

Blues vs. Wild

Chuck: Blues. But maybe the Wild?  Wild have been the best team in the NHL since January and the exceptional play of Devan Dubnyk has carried them through, but the Blues have a sniper in Tarasenko and a deep corps of forwards and defenseman. This one is a conundrum, for sure.

Pants: Blues. They always seem to be giving my teams a hard time, so this year will be not different. Also, BORT’S BEARD! I needs it.

Lindsay’s favorite photo.

Predators vs. Blackhawks

Chuck: Predators. I’m going out on a limb for this one but just hear me out. Preds’ defensemen make an in so many ways and Weber and Josi are a stellar 1-2 punch. James Neal, when he is in the zone, can score goals that other guys just can’t. Hawks’ defense has been meh of late and Crawford can’t do it without good players in front of him.

Pants: Probably the Predators, because they’ve been rock solid all season. Also, I have Gingerbeard withdrawal something fierce. The Hawks have had their ups-and-downs, though they are getting Patrick Kane back right on cue to make me eat these words.

Ducks vs. Jets

Chuck: Ducks.  Ducks has strength on pretty much all four lines and if their forechecking is on point, they are probably one of the best in the league. Paul Maurice has changed slowly changed the identity and culture of the Jets but they aren’t quite there…yet.  But I wouldn’t be mad at ALL if the Jets pulled this upset off.

Pants: Ducks. If you’ve never watched Bruce Boudreau coach, please take this opportunity. If he was an iso-cam feed during games, I would never need to see the ice.

Canucks vs. Flames

Chuck: Flames. I don’t have a dog in this fight since the Bruins are out so I am looking for a team to adopt.  Maybe the Flames are it. So what that they haven’t won a playoff round since 2004 (when the lost in the SCF)?  Great coach in Bob Hartley, a hugely successful powerplay and their ability to win without Giordano might make the Flames a dark horse.

Pants: When I go to horse races, I bet on whichever horse has the best drag queen name. (So far, Surly Temple is the all-time favorite.) So when I say I can’t pick a team in this series, know how deeply and truly I do not care. I seem to have a lot of Canuck fan friends though, and I wish them well.

Comment below and let us know your predictions.  Who’s your dark horse team?

Welcome to our annual playoff predictions, where Chuck selects teams based on actual hockey things and Pants make wishes on shiny pennies. (note from Pants: Amazingly, we have about the same track record. Maybe I learn things through texting with her.)

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Senators

Chuck: Senators. I know their late season surge is partially responsible for the Bruins not making the playoffs, but come on, people.  There is no way in seven hells that I’m rooting for the Canadiens to win.  Plus the Sens have momentum on their side – they won their last three games vs the Habs and they are riding the hot glove of the Hamburgler.

Pants: WHO CARES? No, really. I think the Habs will win because Carey Price. And I hope they will win because they are predictable when faced by a next-round opponent who could by one of my teams. The Sens have lived up to their “pesky” reputation time and again, and I don’t have the stomach for their upswings now.

Lightning vs. Red Wings

Chuck: Lightning. A deep forward corps and young guns like Palat & Kucherov give the Bolts eletricity in the scoring department.  Foxy Friday Brian Boyle is holding down the 4th line, scored 15 goals, and has even played shifts of defense. We love guys that can multitask. But the thought of losing the Zetterbeard so early in the playoffs….

Not okay.

Pants: Uh, Lighting. Apologies to @lm1485‘s grandmother and the stuffed duck on her porch who wears a Red Wings jersey, but the Wings are on the downward slope away from the top of the League.  We know what it’s like to look around and suddenly, everyone else is 25.

Rangers vs. Penguins

Chuck: Rangers.  NYR went b***s to the wall at the trade deadline and made some very strategic moves to complete their roster.  Rick Nash has been his best against the Pens this season with 7 points over 4 games (3 of which the Rangers won).  Add in the the 1-2 goaltending punch of Lundqvist and Talbot, and the Rangers are a force that should put other East teams on notice.

Pants: PENGUINS. If I learned anything from Grease, it was: what skipping a period meant it was: if I can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Short of lacing up some skates and toe picking my way out there to hold a &$%#ing lead myself (I considered this), the only solution is to focus my energy into a laser beam of love and intention – hopefully one that can move the puck away from the Pens’ net. Maybe instead of watching Grease, I should have kept watching Star Wars. Also, if I haven’t mentioned it in five minutes, I hate the Rangers.

Capitals vs. Islanders

Chuck:  Push.  These teams have not met in the playoffs since 1993 so you know that this is going to be some hype. Islanders are moving out of Nassau Coliseum at the end of this season so that might make give this series and playoffs some extra gravitas, but I think that these teams are pretty evenly matched. High-powered captains? Check. Goaltending? Check. Puck possession teams? Check.  This one is gonna be gooood. #BuckleUp

Pants: Capitals yaaaaaaaaas. But why does this have to be? Why can’t I just want John Tavares and his pleated khaki, double-strapped backpack, tucked-in shirt and first day of school haircut to win in the playoffs? Still, I don’t. As I wrote about in my guide to liking more than one team, you need to prioritize and stick to your guns. Even when the other gun looks like this:

Screencap of My Life by @ambitiouspants

Capitals, don’t make me regret this.

Who are your 1st round picks? Comment below!

Yesterday, the Boston University Terriers lost a heartbreaker in the finals of the NCAA Men’s Ice Hockey Championship.  Victory was snatched from them in a matter of minutes.  One tiny miscue.  Then one goal.  And it was all over.

I was gutted. Totally and utterly gutted.

I’ve watched this team all season and I can honestly say that I have not seen a group like this in a long time. The ’09 team was an impressive group, to be sure.  But this team – there was an intangible, indescribable “something.”   I could try finding the words to define it but I don’t know if I’d do it any true justice.

The arrival of  Jack Eichel and an impressive group of freshman started the turn around for a team what was abysmal last season.  As the media hype swirled around Eichel, players like Brandon Fortunato, Brandon Hickey,  John MacLeod, Nikolas Olsson, and A.J. Greer wove their way into the fabric of this storied hockey program. Returning forwards like Danny O’Regan, Evan Rodrigues, and Ahti Oksanen put up offensive numbers that name BU the top-scoring team in the nation.  Doyle Somerby become a blue-line force, providing physicality and big hits in equal measure.

There is no dispute that Eichel brought a prestige and a impressive skill set to this storied program.  Yes, he was the best player in the country. Yes, he did win the Hobey Baker. Yes, watching him skate and play was a thing of beauty.

But what he really brought was a belief in himself and his ability which permeated every other other player in that locker room. It extended out and touch every player wearing that scarlet and white sweater.

However, no talented team is complete without goaltending and this year, Matt O’Connor was outstanding.  He became the undisputed starter and stepped into the role with a maturity and a focus.

Yesterday, he made one mistake. But yesterday will not and should not define him nor his hockey career.  My hope is that those 15 or so NHL clubs that showed so much interest in him this season don’t turn away because if they do, they could miss out on something special.

O’Connor is an exceptional student and a class act of a human being.  His coaches and teammates think the world of him.  He answered question after question from the media, still clad in his gear.  He told the story over and over again although I’m sure he would have preferred to be left alone.   The disappointment he and his team must be feeling overwhelms me and I’m sure every member of Terrier Nation.

But that is just what happens when you love and appreciate a team this much.  It has been a true joy to watch them play this season. Any one who knows the true me, knows that my love of hockey is true and deep and real.  And my profound love for BU Hockey is its core.

This Terrier team may have missed out on a National Championship but I do not and cannot believe that it will be their last opportunity. Hockey is infused in every cell of their bodies.  It feeds them and sustains them and it is a hunger that will not be satiated until they hold that trophy in their hands.

A while back, @eyetotelescope suggested we address the idea of liking more than one team. Many of you are in the same boat (er, on the same door) at this treacherous time of year, when four-point games rain down, winning streaks become glorious victory marches and slumps are loose bars on a shark cage discovered after you’re already underwater.

Today is the perfect day for this post. I don’t just support two teams, I picked the Penguins and Capitals. Rather, they picked me. Divisional rivals who actively dislike each other, currently a single point apart in the standings – Pens in the playoffs, Caps in a wild card spot. The Caps have beaten the Pens the last I-have-blocked-out how many times. It’s pretty much the worst pair of favorites available.

They play tonight in DC and I will be there, wearing a Pens jersey.

So, for your cheating heart and mine, here is my guide to supporting two (or more) hockey teams.

Rule One: Know your favorite

I like the Capitals. I love the Penguins. Between the two, there is no contest.

More simply: The Capitals are my Horcrux. A piece of my soul is in there – and while it hurts, sometimes they must be destroyed. Tonight, I don’t care if Slapshot hugs me on the concourse or free ice tea and nachos are hand-delivered at intermission by a sweaty, Under Armor-ed Mike Green. None shall pass. Not this night.

Maybe your favorite team was determined by geography, or you inherited a family allegiance. Perhaps you’re riveted by the excitement of trap defense! (Psych – no one is. Explain yourselves, New Jersey.)  When I say I am a Penguins fan:

• Unsuspecting stranger: “Are you from Pittsburgh?”
• Me: “No, I’m from upstate New York.”
• Person, now approaching edge of cliff: “Shouldn’t you like the Rangers?”
• Me: PUSH

Kidding. If a person wants my hockey life story from ’91 to present, they can have it. But it ends like this: Penguins first. Capitals second. Blackhawks third, but I couldn’t maintain this even in a Cup-winning season, so it doesn’t count. Then everyone else, and Flyers/Rangers last. Everybody knows their place.

Rule Two: Own your infidelity

As a Pens fan first, living in the DC area, I must often betray a lovely Caps fan who has unwittingly befriended me.

• Me: “Actually, the Penguins are my favorite team.”
• New friend: “Prepare to die.”

Nowhere does it say you must like only one team. Second (or third, fourth) favorite teams come about in more interesting ways! You move away from home. A player gets traded.  Hell, RNH’s eyebrows are the only things selling tickets in Edmonton these days. I’d love to know how your second-favorite teams snuck into your hearts and set up camp.

My story centers around the 2011 Winter Classic. Not the game – David Steckel should walk into my office right now so I can put my stapler through his face. Rather, the lead up to the game ruined me, in three easy steps:

1. NHL: “Crosby vs. Ovechkin is a thing. See all these TV commercials? We are making fetch happen.”
2. Mr. Pants: “How would you feel about moving to the DC-area?”
3. HBO 24/7: Penguins vs. Capitals.

I never liked the Caps growing up, but since they’d switched out of the Pens conference in ’93, I hadn’t cared. The League’s insistence on this rivalry brought the Caps into my home and my Center Ice feed. I tried to resist. This blog, born September 6, 2010, was originally full of me making fun of Mike Green – and meaning it. Then something happened.

Mike Green’s belt. Four years later, still hilarious.

Here’s my original post about my descent into madness. The more I got to know the Caps, the more I liked them. Then I moved to the DC area. I went to my first Caps game two days later and watching my new “home” team, I couldn’t help hoping they did well. Not that well, but you know. Just a little well. Is that so bad?

I KNOW, OKAY?! But it was too late. This is why you should vaccinate your children.

Fine print: We won’t even knock Taylor Swift for performing in nearly every hockey jersey in the league. If the girl likes hockey, she is cool with us. But support too many teams and it’ll look as if you don’t really like any. [Google images gallery] Now, if Taylor turns up with an encyclopedic hockey mind, we retract this statement and offer her a guest blogger password.

Rule Three: Hold your ground

Firmly establish the hierarchy between your teams. It will be the most important component of your fandom. Favorites first, always. Even if it means Caps fans, who were your friends ten minutes ago, are taking this picture of you when the Pens go down 4-1:

Perhaps your teams are in different divisions or conferences (the relief!). But they will eventually play each other. If you’re the two conference type, your greatest dream and worst nightmare could come true at the same time: your teams play each other in the Final. Arrive unprepared and you’ll be like Bella, trapped in the freezing cold and of course you have to cuddle with the shirtless werewolf or die, while the vampire is right outside listening to a pervy inner monologue. It’s your fault for not having a jacket.

Don’t look so comfortable.

This gets tough in tight playoff races, like the Pens and Caps have now, when you kind of have to root for Team #2 to lose against everyone. They’re too close to Team #1, or in front of them, and basically ruining everything. Horcruxes, people. We never said it would be easy.

Rule Four: Have a sense of humor

I have been chirped for my Crosby jersey at games in LA, San Jose, Anaheim, Atlanta (remember that experiment?), New York (Rangers) and, of course, DC.  I just laugh.  Luckily, most hockey fans are awesome and even if they hate Sid and the Pens, they’re nice to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl, but I prefer to think it’s because I’ve obeyed rules 1-3 and I know my stuff. And I’m just waiting for this moment:

• Announcer: “Penguins goal by Sidney Crosby. His 20th of the season.”
• Caps crowd: “Who cares?”
• Me: “I do. I care.”

But I won’t lie – I hope Mike Green scores one. After the Pens score ten.

Rule Five: It’s your party

How can you like two teams?! Teams that hate each other? How can you be at odds with the fundamental tenet of sports? Obviously you are an idiot/bandwagoner/in it for the hot guys/not a real fan.  That argument can (and will) be used against you for a litany of imagined offenses no matter who you root for. We say do what you want. Love who you love. Stay weird.

Finally, if you’re a one-team kind of person, know this: I envy you. I have a lot of love to give, which leaves a lot of open wounds when my teams don’t love me back.  I trade slightly better odds of winning for twice the angst come spring and playoffs. Told you I was bad at math.

The complete list of players selected for the All-Star Game in Columbus on Jan 25 has been announced, but let’s start with the fan vote roster. Which looks like the Blackhawks roster.

I see red people.

Remember the Blackhawks jazzercize campaign video?  Of course you do.  Ne’er have you closed an eye since that day but you’ve seen this, seared in your memory and waiting, gold-chained and glorious, to remind you that votes are the very least you can give when one has smized so hard to earn them.

What percentage of a shirt is this? 25?

You may note a few things once your eyes adjust to all those Hawks logos:

1. NO CROSBY. Just in the fan vote, obviously, but Mr. Popularity, was not crowned Homecoming King this year. He can still call me if he needs a date, though. I am not so fickle.

Just act cool.

2. What is a Zemgus Girgensons and how did it escape Middle Earth win the fan vote? This phenomenon was well-documented, so it didn’t exactly come out of nowhere (anymore than it completely came out of nowhere). Zemgus, who is 21 and plays in Buffalo, hails from Latvia. So mobilized were the 2 million people of his home country, they apparently did nothing but vote online for for the NHL ASG. Right to the top!

What does high score mean? Did I break it?

Some people say this is a tawdry exploitation of the game’s selection process. I say: YOU ARE NO FUN, partypoopers! It’s one roster spot. It’s the ASG, which is really just an excuse to look good during the skills competition. Guys who don’t get picked get to go on vacation and don’t have to pose for ’80s prom photos. Sure, it’s an honor to be voted in, but let’s be real. Zemgus plays in Buffalo.  This might be the only thing he ever wins. I hope he enjoys the heck out of it.

3. Kane beat Toews. I love this. Just as Jon became more fun, Kaner became more serious. For next year’s campaign, they should do a full-length Grease remake. From:

Circa 2011

to this:

Circa last night

Note Seabs, Keith and Crawford walking by in the back. That’s Shaw on the left.

The rest of the roster includes:

Class of 2015

The list is… confusing. Or perhaps it’s “avant garde” and I never really understood that kind of art anyway. No Nicklas Backstrom, fantasy point machine.  No James Neal’s hair blowing in the shot accuracy competition breeze. (That’ll teach you to get yourself traded away from Malkin… to a team leading the League. Figures.) No Chara, Zetterbeard or Datsyuk, no Sedins and no PK Subban. Remember that time he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey? Ah, those were the days.  Puck Daddy has some more snub thoughts here.

Those who did make the cut will be wearing these sweaters. When the ASG is over, I hope they are donated to live out the rest of their unsightly lives in relative dignity as Major League Soccer referee jerseys.

For running at night?

Laviolette and Sutter will coach. Two team captains (and two alternates per team) will be announced next week, and they will hold the fantasy draft on Friday, January 23 at 8 PM (on NBCSN in the States). The draft is my favorite part of the weekend, even eclipsing the skills competition. Someone will get picked last, someone will trip going up the steps.  Hugs will happen. John Tavares will be there.

Look at his middle-school-boy handwriting.

Overall, it sounds a heck of a lot better than my average Friday night.  So we’ll see you there (er, here) for ASG Weekend!

I know what you’re thinking – who is this loser trying to sit with us in the cafeteria like we’re friends, when she’s barely talked to us in the last three months!

Guilty as charged.

Never brown cords, though.

It’s hard to believe it’s the end of the year already. It was a rough one for me at work, and very stressful, but it let up right around when hockey started and I turned my brain off for a while. Binge-watching every TV show from the last three years will do that to you! Now I’m going to start my 2015 on the right foot (skate?). Day One: going to the Winter Classic. Could this herald a return to regular blogging? Crickets packing their bags and moving out of this website? Hey, the mumps are back. Stranger things have happened.

Before we do that, here’s a look back at 2014. We still had a lot of fun, even if it was a little less frequent.

Number of Foxy Fridays: 17

This would be a sad stat, what with 52 Fridays in the year, except that our two most popular Foxy Fridays were group efforts.

#1. Team USA vs. Team Canada – in which Canada wins. How prophetic.

Meet me at the border.

No, the northern side.

#2. Ice Bucket Challenges – in which shirts are optional, abs are required and Jamie Benn delivers all that and a haircut.

Ice, because it was getting warm in here.

#3. Roman Josi – The most popular single-player Foxy Friday of the year was back on January 3, 2014. I’ll stop talking now because:

Sorry, you were saying…?

Number of Times a Player’s Mother RT’d his Foxy Friday: One.

Rich Clune, come back to Nashville. We’ll visit on the same weekend your mom’s in town and bring the mimosas. James Neal locks his door anyway, what are you worried about?

Number of Tyler Tuesdays: Eight (plus a Tyler Thursday)

One might have thought Chuck’s, um, admiration for Tyler Seguin could not increase after he was traded from the Bruins to some far away place she never intended to watch.  But Tyler wasn’t having it.  And by “it,” we mean clothes.  Between ESPN Magazine’s “The Body Issue,” his mid-ice Ice Bucket Challenge and virtually every other no-reason-at-all, Tyler went topless at every opportunity and we thank him for his service.

TylerSeguin.com photo gallery

Number of Times We Got Fiesty: One

We, as female hockey fans, may just be making progress on the whole “Girls’ Guide to Hockey” problem.  As you know, the Girls Guide to Hockey is the same as the Guys Guide to Hockey, or just the Guide to Hockey. Because it’s the same sport. Watched from the same seats. You might think a player is dreamy, but a wide shot of an action sport where that guy is covered head-to-toe in padding akin to Kevlar is not much of an opportunity to ogle.  (Exceptions: Some. Like when a helmet flies off.)  I think it’s safe to say you’re not watching actual hockey games just because the boys are cute. That’s what we are for.

That grinding you hear is my last nerve.

The last time this story reared it’s head was January.  Could we go a whole year without reading that we’re sycophantic idiots, pandering to our boyfriends, who get distracted by all the flashing lights on TV? Prayers.

Number of Posts about John Tavares’ Pants: 20-ish

John Tavares and his questionable pants selection were much on display in Sochi, prior to his injury.  All options were considered, from sweats to jeans to suits and whatever is happening on the end there.

Walk, walk, fashion, baby.

What we didn’t expect was this, and other proof like it, that John is reading our blog.

Orange is the new pants.

Number of Times We Discussed James Neal’s Hair: 257

Speaking of people reading the blog, we’d be happy to take credit for James returning to his ginger-ish glory (if not to Pittsburgh).  He even seems to be behaving himself with the media in Nashville. Don’t worry, he hasn’t totally changed. He still cares a lot about this:

Wait, that’s what my hair looks like?

:: quick shake ::

All fixed! Plus beard for good measure.

Number of Times Strombo became our Supreme Leader: Four

Help me pick a filter.

There were probably more in Canada, but since hockey Strombo is not regularly on TV here, we have to settle for big events and online videos. He was holding steady in a close race vs. Cabbie until he got Tavares to eat Cheetos on camera, in front of Tyler Seguin. We’ve all seen Tyler’s abs. Proof that, like us, hockey players eat their feelings.

1. Crosby interview
2. Roundtable: Crosby, Toews, Lunqvist
3. Rountable: Tavares, Seguin, Giroux
4. NHL Awards

And Strombo understands the physics of a “sit down” with Sidney Crosby.

Lean back. No really, for safety.

Number of Times Mike Green Got Married: One

This could be the year we all became grown ups. I bought a house, a washing machine, got a dog. Mike Green got married and presumably celebrated the event with a tattoo.

And he Instagrammed it, because he’s Mike.

Number of Times Jonathan Toews was Fun: Infinite

From a sense of humor at Halloween to acknowledging he’s “the real Canadian dream,” Jonathan Toews spent much of this year proving Captain Serious wrong and wearing shorts. Or while wearing shorts. If you can call these shorts.

I think they’re Spanx.

Number of Dinners with Sidney Crosby: One

I almost called this “Number of Times You Go Out in Pittsburgh and See Hockey Players: All.”  It was true (at least for a weekend), ut a highlight is a highlight, and this is the light-y-est of them all. I’m still not even bummed we didn’t get a talk to him. Somehow, us trying to hold it together for four hours at the table next to the Penguins is so… us. It’s better.

The Pittsburgh Ten

Thank you all for another great year. I’m always thinking about you – or at least plaid suits, pleated khakis and Intern Jeff Skinner – even if I’m not writing about it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Compared to Sid, Hank and Toews all doing the casual leanback, these guys are more nervous and eager.  They’re all sitting forward, shoulders up – they even mimic each other’s postures with their hands.  A therapist would have a field day with all the mutual admiration and trying to fit in going on here.

Is this a restaurant? Is this on the menu?

Of course their outfits match too, light button-downs all around.  If this were a dinner, the waitress would be spilling water on everyone.

No kidding, that’s where I bought my shirt!

So, John’s teeth aren’t really fixed.  Claude didn’t bother with his false tooth.  Tyler is perfect, because he’s Tyler – and he’s really likable in this interview.  It’s possible I never considered that before.  Sorry other guys, but the Western Conference is taking top marks with only half the seats at these roundtables.

[Note from Chuck: Oh, Tyler. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. I’m a sucker for a guy’s hands and the way that he was talking with them and resting them oh so casually on his biceps throughout the interview – killing me… killing me softly.]

Charming. Hide your wives and girlfriends.

John, of course, is so, so square.  How can you not love this guy?!  ‘Mild mannered’ doesn’t begin to describe it.  No one on his team showboats.  No play haunts him.  According to Giroux, he is a terrible trash talker. He says “fustration” (no ‘r’) and takes any opening to dig at Giroux.  He obviously combed his own hair for this interview and probably has a coat and tie in his bag just in case.

Focus on the sound of my voice.

Jana (@jstefanc) said it best: “It’s so weird to see a teacher outside of school.”

From the archives, a picture of 14-year old John in media training:

This’ll sound great on TV.

[Note from Chuck: No media training for Tyler?  That explains so much. Did the Bruins not have one?  Had I know, I totally would have Katniss-ed that.]

For all the ginger glory, Claude needs to decide what he’s doing with this hair.  Long or parted.  You can’t pick both, not on one head at the same time.  We love the curls and the color but it’s time to commit.

Looks fine under a helmet!

The best part of this, the most revealing difference from the other interview, is how they all reach for the snacks the moment it’s over.

Cheetos for everyone.

Cheat day!!

We could go for more of these, if Strombo is free.  Or he could join in the Google Hangouts that Lindsay, Alison and I do where we watch two hockey games a piece and all talk over each other in shouty caps.

Up first: Sid, Hank and Tazer.  This is a good interview.  I had never seen Strombo before the NHL Awards and apparently he gets some flack for softball-ing questions, but I liked this.  It’s funny, insightful and touches on some interesting, oft-unasked things.  There’s enough room for a little personality to sneak in, elevating it just above sports cliche into a more natural conversation.  Strombo for Commissioner.

Now forgive me while I take this respectable interview and evaluate it superficially. (Future subtitle of my autobiography.)

You say: Crosby, Lundqust, Toews.  I say:

I may have had some sugar today.

Followed immediately by:

Everybody’s a critic

Meanwhile Sid looks like if he inhales deeply enough, that shirt will split.  It’s also navy blue – dark, yes, but are those black pants?  Oh boy.

Let’s talk about how great we are.

Henrik, in full custom couture (duh), puts on a handsome expression.  Wait, that’s his only expression.  It serves to mask the amateur hour he surely sees before him: dressed down and violating a cardinal contrast rule.  Hank thinks about being helpful, then remembers who won the Art Ross Trophy and is now in his division.  The King decides to let the Kid take a powder on this one.

You can never be overdressed or overly Swedish – er, close enough.

Having never heard Miranda Priestly’s speech on shades of blue, Sid doesn’t care.  He’s thinking about the interview, specifically hoping Strombo doesn’t bring up superstitions.  Which Strombo does.  Look how perfectly still Crosby sits – he’s frozen, like a petrified tree.  You can hear him thinking, “Don’t look at me, I’m not here.”  AND THEY DON’T!  What?!  His publicist must have been off-stage threatening the director with a high heel to the face if he cut to SidCam at that moment.

I’m a perfectly normal kind of crazy.

Across the table, Toews just basks in his own open collar coolness.  He’s laid-back, nursing the end of a tan and saying “heck” with no hint of awkwardness.  If he’d been American, he’d be a star quarterback.  It doesn’t even matter that Jon can’t shake the “Captain Serious” nickname, because all of his stories end in championships.

Over here in the Western Conference, with my Stanley Cups…

Notice how full the prop snack bowls remain throughout.  No one even snuck a pumpernickel chip out of the Chex Mix before this thing started.

Weakness? Never heard of it.

Sensing the interview coming to an end, Sid does what Sid always does: he finds another gear.  He makes those short-sleeved forearms count.  Next year, everyone will be wearing a polo  – except Henrik, of course.

Thinking about tiny pockets.

In all seriousness, I love their answers, especially Sid’s, on the You Can Play campaign question.  No one over-explains.  They just speak with quiet confidence as if it’s a non-issue nd anyone who has a problem with it will have to answer to these guys.  It must be great comfort to a player, present or future, thinking about taking that step.

Next up: Giroux, Seguin and Tavares.  Or a lion, a tiger and a baby otter.

Don’t listen to them, John!  (Okay, maybe a little.)

While the focus of this blog is primarily the NHL, I like try to mix it up and occasionally espouse the joys of college hockey – it is after all where some of the games best players get their start.

This weekend, the Boston University Terriers began their 2014-2015 season  with a 12-1 drubbing of St. Thomas University (from New Brunswick).

Yes, you read that correctly.  12 to 1. The Terriers scored a dozen goals. Okay, so maybe the St. Thomas University Tommies (natch) were they most stellar of the teams, but still. The only time I’ve ever seen a dozen of anything in a hockey rink is that time Pants and I got fined a dozen donuts for skipping an intramural broomball game.

This weekend also marked the debut of wunderkid Jack Eichel.  Never heard of him?  Well you soon will.  That’s because he is projected to be the #1 draft pick in this year’s NHL Draft.  (Last time #1 pick was a BU kid was Rick Dipietro in 2000 and we all know how that ended.)

Since making his name with the USA Hockey development program and winning gold at last year’s World Junior Championships, hockey pundits and NHL scouts have been touting the 17 year old Jack Eichel as the new face of American hockey.

“He’s the next Patrick Kane,” they say.

“The next Evgeni Malkin,” they say.

“The next Bill S. Preston, Esquire,” I say.

I’m typically not one to buy into all the hype until I’ve actually seen someone play, but after seeing Eichel this weekend, I can totally see that they were talking about.

In his first game in the scarlet and white, Eichel skated on the 1st line and had 5 assists.  Watching him play, you know that the kid has that something, that intangible, undefinable hockey “thing”.

His skill was excellent and his skating explosive.  Two strides and he was past the defender.  Two more strides and he was through the neutral zone, puck on his stick, then a quick dish to his linemate for the score.

At 6’2″ and about 195 lbs, Eichel has the size to be a NHL player.   A couple of years playing in a prestigious program like BU and in what is arguably the most competitive league in the college hockey will situate Eichel to make that jump to the NHL.

But Eichel is just one piece of the puzzle. This weekend, the Terriers dressed 10 freshman.  New coach cleaned house in the off-season to build a team that fit into his coaching style and his ideals of what a student-athlete should be.

The Terriers – and college hockey- is all about potential. It is about the potential that these young men have to fulfill their childhood dreams and make it to the NHL.

Some, like Jack Eichel, will make it. Some will not. Maybe they’ll become coaches.  Or scouts. Or simply return to their hometowns and become beer-league all-stars. Maybe some walk away from the sport all together after their college playing days are over and get married and raise a family. Whatever their path might be, these young men will be better men for having played college hockey.

So I guess the moral of this post is that if you happen live in an area that has college hockey, go and watch some games.    The games are seriously affordable and highly entertaining.  I seriously doubt you’ll be disappointed.

And if you’re lucky, the rink will sell beer like mine does.

EAST

Bruins vs. Red Wings

Pants: Bruins, because there is no way I get off this easily in life.  They’re packed and they’re stacked, especially in the back (Shoop!).  Tuukka Rask, brick wall with a 2.04 GAA.

Chuck:  Bruins, duh. I mean, I love me some Zetterbeard and the Red Wings did take 3 of 4 from the Black and Gold in the regular season.  But this is the playoffs.  And the Bruins always crank it up to 11 in the playoffs. (Can I get some fries with that shake shake booty?)

Penguins vs. Blue Jackets

Pants: Penguins, because I NEED THIS, OKAY?  Also they’ve beaten Columbus five times this season, Letang is getting up to form and Malkin could be back in the lineup tonight.  Fleury is near the top in every category and I’m banking on confidence.

Chuck: I love a good underdog story, and this series could be it.  I know this is FAAAAR from popular option with our readership but just lemme finish. The Blue Jackets are a difficult team to play against.  One coach told Kevin Weekes who told me that Columbus was a “nightmare every time you play them.”  They have some underrated guys and they’re physical.  Last year, Pens went up against the Bruins, arguable one of the most physical NHL teams, and they got swept.  But it is Pittsburgh, so I could be wrong.

I can’t stop laughing at this gif.

I can’t stop laughing at this picture.

Lightning vs. Canadiens

Pants: Canadiens, because the Bolts lost the one-two punch they needed to win this series when St. Louis bailed.  A shame, since Alexis says Tampa’s beard potential is astronomical.

Chuck: Lightning. Because I cannot. I will not.  It will be a cold day in hell before I cheer for the Canadiens.

Flyers vs. Rangers

Pants: Evil, because that is the only choice.  I’ll say Rangers here but it won’t be easy. The Flyers score slightly fewer G/G (by .22) but Lundqvist’s GAA is marginally better (by 0.14) than Mason’s – who is hurt, thanks Kaitlin, and out for at least Game 1.  That doesn’t help Philly.  Whoever wins plays the winner of PIT/CBJ and I don’t see the Flyers leaving anything but a streak of blood to get there.  Rangers in a long, brutal series.

Chuck: Rangers…I guess.  Both teams have fought and scrapped to make the playoffs, especially the Flyers, who have seemed to recover from their disatrous start.  Rangers’ goaltending and defense are better but this match-up has some serious Hunger Games potential.

WEST

Avalanche vs. Wild

Pants: Avs, because Patrick Roy says so.  He’s turned the worst team in last year’s West into the 2nd best team in this year’s West.  Varlamov has seen more shots than any goalie and won more games.  By comparison, the Avs’ offense ranks 20th in shots per game – but they are accurate, with 2.99 G/G (5th overall).  High-quality offense, high-quality goaltender.

Chuck: Avalanche, because why not them?  They are young, exceptionally talented, and have a top notch goalie in Varlamov. Nathan McKinnon is a shoe-in for the Calder and the rest of the forward crew ain’t to shabby.  While the wheels were coming off the Blues’ bus, the Avs leapfrogged over them to take the Central. Remember last year’s Red Sox team?  They went from worst to first and won the World Series.  Just saying….

Ducks vs. Stars

Pants: Ducks, because they score more than any other team.  They’re #1 at 3.21/game.  The dark horse is that Dallas draws a lot of penalties (3rd overall), and Anaheim’s penalty kill ranks 13th 82.2%.  So there are freebies to be had, Stars.  I still think the Ducks overpower them.

Chuck: My heart says Stars, but my head says Ducks. For reasons.  Namely, Perry, Getzlaf, Bonino, Selanne. Seguin and Benn have one of the best bromance/chemistry in the NHL right now, but it won’t be enough to overpower the Ducks.

Blues vs. Blackhawks

Pants: Blackhawks.  Only 4 points separate them.  The Blues are slumping hard – they lost 6 of 8 in April.  I would not want to ride that streak into the post-season against the defending Champs.  If Toews & Kane are really ready, like ready-ready, they can tip that balance.

Chuck: Blackhawks. Toews and Kane are back. Even at 75%, they are still pretty awesome.  Blues spent the month of April on a cross-country trip on the struggle bus, which not the way you want to go into the playoffs.  If Blues can return to their regular season form and get some guys back, they could have a shot.  But the WUYS Magic 8 Ball is saying “Outlook look not so good.”

Sharks vs. Kings

Pants: Snore.  Don’t these teams play every year?  Just two of the last four.  I’ll pick the Sharks for the same reason I always do: aren’t they tired of eventually losing in the Playoffs?  The Sharks are always a fire drill, never a fire.

Chuck: Sharks. Please dear Lord, the Sharks. I need Joe Thornton’s playoff beard to make me whole and happy.

Did your team make the playoffs?  Who are you cheering for?  Any Cinderellas in this year’s matchup?  We want to kn0w what you think?

For two solid weeks in February, you’re invited to our party.

Okay, it’s probably going to look more like this:

But the guest list is epic.  It’s  comprised of every Olympic snub – and there are some bold-faced names here.  To make sure our party lives up to the Russian’s, we’ve put our guests in charge of bringing a few key ingredients.  Consider it a gift registry without the wedding, and you don’t have to travel 16,000 miles to get to this reception.

Beer: Staal Brothers

It was a long shot for Jordan to make it, but we expected Eric to be defending Canada’s honor.  Since he can’t do it in Russia, he’ll make sure we do it here. They’ll book the jet they chartered home to Thunder Bay for Christmas, load it up and land it close.  Hope you guys like Labatts, Molson and sod because that’s all they’re bringing.

Liquor (except vodka): James Neal

Beer isn’t going to cut it for Nealmobile.  Neither, apparently, are more assists than Rick Nash has points, plus 16 goals, in fewer games.  Or better numbers since 2008.  No doubt James’ recent on-ice immaturity played a part, but growing up will have to come later.  For this we need to break out the (you thought I was going to say ‘big guns,’ right?) good stuff, skip the shot glasses and just go for it.  (He can bring his regular glasses, though.)

Vodka (and lots of it): Alex Semin

I don’t like Sasha – didn’t like him on the Caps, don’t care about him now – but getting left off the roster in your home country is awful.  Especially when he’s got a long history of representing Russia in international events.  Maybe it was due to his concussion earlier this season, but even I’ll drink to the fact it was a shame he got snubbed.  The Ovi & Sasha Reunion Show would’ve been a hit.

Games: Claude Giroux

Gingeroux thought he had this.  Normally the suffering of any Flyer makes me giddy as a Disney villain, but leaving him off Team Canada was just fickle and redheads are always welcome at our shindigs.  Based on his ability to play beer pong and cornhole with two casted, post-surgery wrists, we’re going to bet Colde can find a way to shoot around the pieces of his broken heart.  Heck, we’ll even crank the heat and make it #shirstoptional.

$5 Cover Charge: Intern Jeff Skinner

NHL’s First Star of the Week?  Good for 66.15 points to my fantasy team in just seven days, more than double what anyone else produced?  Hat tricks all over the place are awesome, but he’s still not getting in for free.

Fake IDs: #TeamEbs and #TeamHallsy

We know they’re both of age, but @amandalitty is bouncing and she just wants to know where #TeamHallsy lives, okay?  Plus we are not falling for that matching outfit, ‘No really, I’m Jordan Eberle’ trick that Nugent-Hopkins pulled the last time.

His phone: Jack Johnson

We’re prank calling Crosby all night – which will be 9 hours later there and he’ll probably answer until he blocks us and we leave amazing messages complete with singing.  These are the best kinds of messages.

Darkness: Brent Seabrook

Resident widow’s peak and most likely vampire, Seabs ain’t coming out till the sun goes down.  He slept all day, so he’s in charge of last call.

Selena Gomez CD: Logan Couture

This was his chance, you know?  Everyone watches the Olympics and there was bound to be a hockey clip during ice dancing, which people love once every 4 years.  If Logan could’ve been that highlight then Selena would have seen him and POW.  We’d be hired to promote their starring roles in The Cutting Edge 4: Ice Castles in the Ice coming out next Christmas.

His laptop: Bobby Ryan

Team USA’s biggest snub is in charge of Tweeting, Instagramming and live-blogging this party as it goes down.  Cats are allowed but absolutely nothing silver: no Coors Silver Bullet, no Patron Silver tequila, no games of quarters.

Not this shirt: Joe Thornton

The last time we partied like we were in college… well, we were in college.  We might have overlooked this shirt back then but the era of poor decision-making and Ed Hardy clothing has passed.   For heaven’s sake, there is a design on your jeans!  Give us your wallet, go tell Logan that Selena & Beiber are not back together and we’ll take care of this on Nordstrom.com.

Not any shirt: Victor Hedman

Does this party have a pool?  Victor Hedman is probably tan in February and we need a lifeguard – all these numbers that say Hedman should have been chosen make our heads swim.

Recycling Bags: Marty St. Louis

What the crap, right?  Marty may scowl disapprovingly at the pile of beer cans JStaal has crushed on his forehead, but that’s because he knows when the morning comes (or say, a 38th birthday), he’ll still be here showing these kids how it’s done.  Marty is the Last Dad Standing, so he’s on clean up.

UPDATE – Marshall: Tyler Seguin

How could I forget this?  All puppies are invited but especially if they bring Tyler Seguin.  And Tyler Seguin brings his dance moves.  (Thanks Jess!)

Jerseys, mittens, hats and flags: You 

Of course this hockey party will have hockey, and plenty of it, at all hours of the night and day.  If you saved vacation time, use it now.  While not all of our favorite players made it to Sochi, everyone from home to Russia will be supporting their country loudly and proudly.  And in some cases, other countries near their countries (maybe that’s just me).

If I didn’t pick your snubbed favorite, feel free to invite him.  We welcome anyone who brings snacks or is qualified to drive a Zamboni.

Video: CBC – Defending Gold: Inside the Making of Canada’s Team

It’s thirty minutes inside the minds and meetings of Team Canada’s architects as they deliberate who’ll wear the red and white in Sochi just over a month from now. The Honorable Stevie Y presiding.

Showing these kids how it’s done.

From Olympic camp back in August, let’s talk about something that’s more awkward that Lucic’s face in this shot – Phanuef’s cardigan.  No, I’m kidding.  I cover my anguish with humor, people!  It’s how I cope.

I’m talking about Mike Green.

Mike is not going to Russia.  There are days when I’m surprised they even let Mike go to Caps games.   His exclusion from the 2010 Canada roster was considered by many a huge snub, a year in which he had 76 points (holy shit) and got his second straight Norris nomination.  Critics pegged Mike as “too offensive” – as in point-scoring, not bothersome – when CAN needed stay-at-home blueliners.  Well compared to 2010, this season is roadkill so I think we can just look away (from my broken heart).

Don’t despair for long.  Team Canada will not lack things to make me happy.

Gah, there is a polo shirt shop in heaven and I’d like to work there.

Most of our cast of The Bachelorette (Part 1, Part 2) are here, method-acting out the roles we assigned for our show:

The Quarterback, gazing into the distance at his achievable dreams with complete disregard for that ladder’s feelings.

The Kid practicing his cursive for writing notes in study hall.

The Class Clown making it all look fun.  (PK might lose this grin when he hears them debating him later in the show.)

The Hot One, rakishly ignoring the photo of his own crazy face in the background while testing the structural integrity of yet another folding chair.

The Quiet One and other French guys being French and quiet.

The Bromance being exclusive.

Fine, you make a better screencap.

Not lost on me was this moment of foreshadowing.  I believe this is the look Crosby and Kunitz gave Neal after a certain incident involving a knee and a head and the desire to make this team.

#disapprovingPenguinstare

The look inside Yzerman’s war room is fascinating, talking about pressure, second-guessing and the chemistry required to put together not only the best team, but the right team.  I got a little nervous when they talked about specific guys: Nash, #TeamEbs, Stammer’s injury.  “They will see this!  They’ll hear you!”  It makes no difference though; on January 7, Yzerman and Co. will have us on the edge of our seats.

Who will get a rose and who will be crying in limo?  Most importantly, what are we going to buy?

Now it’s your turn: give us your thoughts, surprising snubs and bets on Superman Stamkos getting the nod.  If Stammer and Tavares make the team, Tavares won’t wear 91.  My purchase decision anxiety mounts.

Side note: It’s nice to know Canadians suffer the same trials as Americans when it comes to online/in demand TV – being forced to watch the same commercials ad nauseum.

Granted it was against the Carolina Hurricanes, who are taking a long ride on the struggle bus, but the effort was the Bruins’ most consistent of the season and they were rewarded with a 4-1 victory on the road.  Bruins were 0-3 on the road after starting the season 4-0.

Bruins forwards were working hard, creating opportunities, and running the Canes’ defense around. Two of the four Bruins goals came from defensemen, including Johnny Boychuk’s rocket, his first goal in 3, 586 games.  Okay, so not THAT many games but it has been a while since JB55 put on past the goalie.

Especially positive was the play of Soderberg/Kelly/Smith line.   Soderberg and Smith each had a goal and an assist.  This line seems to be finding some mojo as evidence by their nifty, quick passing in the offensive zone and it looks like Soderberg’s looooong road to the NHL might have been worth the journey.

Originally drafted by the Blues in the 2004 Entry Draft, this season will be the first full season for the 28-year-old Swede.  He’s got 8 points in 14 games and did we mention that he’s Swedish?

Marchand started on the 3rd line but by late in the 2nd period was taking shifts on the 4th line. Since the summer and his break-up with Seguin, he just hasn’t been quite the player that we expected.  Perhaps he spend too much time downing pints of ice cream, while listening to Sade and looking at photos of his lost love on his iPhone.

Sad Marchand.

After the game, Bruins had to jump on a plane to NYC where they’ll take on the Rangers tonight.  If I had to wager a guess, I think that Caron will be back in the line up, along with Thornton, with Marchy taking in the game from the press box.

Wonder if the popcorn at MSG is any good….

Last night, Tyler Seguin and Rich Peverley both scored in the shootout to lift the Stars over the Bruins.  Perhaps it is a little poetic justice for those two guys who had to endure the embarrassing and juvenile booing and chants each time they touched the puck.

Booing?  Really?  Why is that even necessary? I loveloveLOVE the Bruins but sometimes their fans are just exceptionally ridculous.

In case you’ve forgotten, Seguin and Peverely didn’t ASK to be traded from Boston.  Their departure from Boston was a product of salary caps and business strategies.

Now, I don’t pretend that Seguin is some perfect, sacrosanct hockey player.  He made personal and professional mistakes that didn’t help his cause and contributed to the ease of his departure, but Peverely – Really, people?  What did Rich Peverley ever do to deserve your ire?

For all those people who vilified them last night, how quickly you have forgotten these two were are part of the team that brought the Stanley Cup to Boston for the first time in almost 40 years.  How quickly you have forgotten that #19 sweater that you so eagerly purchased proudly declaring your status as a Seguinista.

Well last night’s shootout was just for you then.  You know that all your booing and chanting and general turpitude just made Seguin and Peverely even more determined to shut you up.  And they did.  So good on ya. WTG.

Now they hate us and never want to come back here and it is all your fault.

Side Note: World Series champ Mike Napoli was at the game.  His beard, people.  It is glorious. I’m in love with him it him.

Click for a much larger picture.

Read the preview here.  Note the Post has the Penguins winning the East, by 1 point over the Bruins.

Though the Caps lost their opener vs. Chicago last night, I saw a lot of things I liked.  The power play is still gorgeous – three goals!   The boys definitely played a full 60 minutes.  Add in some very pretty passing and it was a strong show against probably the toughest team in the NHL.  Ovi had 9 shots, Green 6 and he played 26:48.  Guess he’s well rested.

So far, things are looking good.

Well, mostly.

Time to wipe the slate clean as 32 teams being their journey yet again to claim the ultimate trophy in sports.   This season, the NHL returns with a new (ish) look – new divisions, new faces, and old faces wearing new sweaters – but like Led Zeppelin said, the song remains the same.

Looking back on last year’s predictions, we were slightly psychic on some and wildly, horribly, almost comically off-base with others.   Wonder how we’ll fare this year…

Eastern Conference

#1 – Chuck:  Bruins.  With the addition of Loui Eriksson and Jarome Iginla, the Bruins might finally have a solution to their lack of wingers with finish.  Losing Seguin hurt me and Brad Marchand much more than it did the dynamic of this team.  With Tuukka in net, a crop of youngsters ready to make the leap to the big time, and the acrid taste of Stanley Cup disappointment still linger in their mouths, expect the Black and Gold to pick up right where they left off.

Pants: Penguins.  For the same reasons as last year, including being pissed about an ungraceful playoff exit.  All I want is a full season and a healthy Crosby, forever and ever.  Amen.  The scoring chemistry in the Crosby-Dupuis-Kunitz line gives me chills and I like the way Neal & Malkin are shaping up around a combination of Jokinen and Bennett.

#2 – Chuck:  Penguins.  This team is stacked like Jenga so of course they are going to finish high in any pre-season poll.  Pittsburgh’s wild card is their goaltending and with Vokoun out, Fleury is going to need to get out of his own head if he wants to help his team.  I don’t think the GAA will be anything fantastic but the Pens’ high powered offsence will erase any need for spectacular goal tending.

Pants:  Bruins.  They’ re tough and mean and that’ll go a long way in a long season.  With additional scorers on board and the distraction of Seguin’s sophomore slump traded away, I don’t expect any let-up here.

Pants didn’t pick the Bolts or Canes to make the playoffs.  She feels really bad about that.

#3 – Chuck: Red Wings.  Zetterberg and his team of aged wonders have jumped to the East with the new NHL realignment and with that will come new match-ups and new potental for rivalries.  While the additions of Alfredsson and Weiss did exactly infuse this team with a youthful glow, they are still solid components and coupled with the goaltending of Jimmy Howard could help them make a run.

Pants:  Capitals.  Oh, I’m doing it.  Get your asssssssses in gear, boys.  Ovechkin has successfully completed the switch to right wing and Adam Oates’ system.  It clicked like magic late last season.  Made-of-glass Mike Green is healthy and, fingers and toes and eyes crossed, staying that way. Did I mention he led all d-men in goals last season?  Holtby’s older in net, we have multiple 2Cs and everybody’s getting married next summer.  Don’t you the Cup at your wedding, Mikey/Ovi/Nicky?!

#4 – Chuck:  Rangers.  Under new coach Alain Vigneault, players like Stepan, Callahan, and Zuccarello could have the opportunity to flash their skills more than they did under the Draconian rule of Tortorella.  The backbone of this team remains Henrik Lundqvist.  The goalie/ridiculously good-looking human/vampire being is the final year of a contract which makes winning the Cup all that more important for the Rangers.  If they don’t, stranger things could be afoot at MSG.

Pants:  Flyers.  Last season was AWESOME rough in Philly.  I don’t expect that to happen twice.  Gingeroux will return to form as one of the most exciting players in the NHL, their goaltending nightmare has hopefully ended and honestly, they just love to bug the crap out of me.  Vinny will suddenly have another 40+ goal season because that’s my luck.

Cartman’s first rule of Fight Club…

#5 – Chuck: Senators.  Despite the loss of Alfredsson, the Sens are a team that could make a playoff run…given that their players remain healthy.  The intermitten losses of Spezza, Karlsson, Anderson, and Michalek crippled the Senators, so it is exciting to think of what can be done if they all remain off the IR.  Ottawa also had 4 of the top rookie scorers in the league last season which could paint an interesting picture in the East.

Pants: Red Wings.  They’re always in here somewhere, though never quite so low as they were last year.  Joining the Eastern Conference could really help them – much less/shorter travel for the old boys.  

#6 – Chuck: Islanders. John Tavares, in his polo shirt/khaki pant superhero costume will come to save the day.  Islanders showed a lot of heart in their playoff series and gave fans something to get excited about for the first time since the 1980s.  It’s hard to live up to that legacy but the Islanders have an expanding roster of young spritely forwards.  They won’t contend (too many defensive issues) but they could make it quite interesting.

Pants:  Rangers.  Like how I put them 6 and the Caps at 3 so they’d play each other in the first round?  And you can find me with my head in an oven somewhere?!  The NYR toughed out a tough season last year.  With Coach AV presumably endeavoring to reclaim Sad Brad’s hockey skills, it should be all sunshine and cupcakes in the Rangers locker room now.  Give them half a season to adjust and expect to see a big push in the second half.

#7 – Chuck: Maple Leafs.  Could things be looking up in Toronto?  The Leafs got gritty and grimy in the off-season adding post-season veterans David Clarkson and Dave Bolland.  The addition of Jonathan Bernier was also a savvy move – not only does Bernier have playoff experience, but it also creates a little competition for Reimer for that top spot.

Pants: Islanders.  This whole thing is on John’s shoulders, with the huge percentage of offense he’s figured in the last two seasons.  The only people who believe the Islanders can win are the Islanders, and that kind of gumption goes a long way.  Also, I drafted Nabokov so there’s some wishful thinking here.  Get ’em, John!  And by “them” I mean not my teams, okay?

#8 – Chuck:  Blue Jackets.  Okay, you can stop laughing now – this could actually happen.  After their 11th hour push to the playoffs last season inspiring hashtags everywhere and the Vezina win by Bobrobsky, Columbus is a team that might make this interesting.  They’ll get Gaborik for a full season and with the addition of Nathan Horton, they are giving themselves a bit of that veteran presence that they lack.

Pants:  Senators.  With a healthy crew and the addition of Bobby Ryan, this team is more solid Sens than the pesky Sens of last season.

So there are our Eastern Conference pre-season picks. Who do you think should be on this list?  Who is your dark horse pick?