It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

Trust me, you won’t mind hearing this one twice.

Sharp Magazine wants men in Canada to have nice clothes and a classy lifestyle – or it wants to rub their faces in never having made the NHL. Either way, we win. In what I can only assume is an ode to 50 Shades of Gray, here are a rash of NHLers too good to be true. Not only are they attractive, wealthy and well-dressed, but based on these photos, they have feeeeeelings.

Patrice Bergeron gazes longingly from the bridge where he’s just let you drive off, in his favorite Porsche, to pursue your (other) dreams.

Foxy Friday – October 2010

Justin Faulk is really, really sorry that his hands are so big and his hair is so tousled.

Foxy Friday – overdue

Gabe Landeskog doesn’t want you to worry. He can afford another pair when he has to cut these pants off his calves.

Foxy Friday – October 2011

Claude Giroux feels his angsty, swarthy robber look is appropriate for stealing your heart. (Note: something already tried to climb his pants.)

Foxy Friday – January 2012

Jacob Trouba hopes you’re still into those vampire books everyone was reading.

Actually much cuter than photo suggests

Oliver Ekman-Larson intentionally left his battered paperback of Rainer Maria Rilke poems at your place last night.

Honestly, I had NO idea he looked like this.

Joe Pavelski had a tough day at his skyscraper investment bank. Can he interest you in a magnum of Moët to share?

Foxy Friday nod – May 2013

Roman Josi brought an extra blanket for stargazing from the deck of his yacht.

Foxy Friday – January 2013

I wish there were more of these! I don’t know if they’re from the current issue or an upcoming one, but I doubt the magazine has the centerfold you were hoping for.

Today, the USA made it worth their while.

#KesselCelebrationFace

America has always had a little too much fun vilifying the Russians, which didn’t end with the Cold War.  Just last month the NY Times did a feature about the legend of the Russian bad guy living on in movies, and how “it doesn’t make for as powerful drama as it once did.” [link]

Au contraire.  In Russia, vs. Russia?  While we’re dusting off Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone, the US vs. Russian hockey rivalry needs no freshening. Perhaps it exists every day on NHL ice – some of their best players are our best players.  Some of those best players leave to go back.  I imagined Ilya Kovalchuk cackling like Boris and Natasha as he jumped those boards in Sochi.

If non-hockey fans get out of bed in the wee Saturday morning hours of a holiday weekend, I’d say the US/Russia socio-political, entertainment media-ingrained, guns blazing and ‘spies are cool’ drama is alive and well.

Or maybe it’s really the hockey – let’s see how many of those people are up tomorrow morning to watch Team USA take on Solvenia.

After today’s performance, they just might.

Who designed the stats layout at www.sochi2014.com?  These yearbook roster photos are like cards in that old game Guess Who?  Shhh, Datsyuk-face will never guess you were really Cam Folwer!

They even footnote every fact in a player’s bio, like a high school book report (which kids probably don’t write anymore.)  Check out Cam’s profile.  As a dual citizen of the US and Canada, does he get an option who to play for?  If so, then America thanks you, Cam.

He can get this painted as a mural on the front of his house:

And this one inside:

Little Joe Pavelski also heeded the call, celebrating American values like freedom, taking the lead and rocking a ginger beard.

Then Datsyuk again, because the Russians never stop, and the game was tied.  Shootout ensued.  People hate the shootout – I love it.  Maybe not in medal rounds, like the NHL playoffs employ endless overtime to decide games that count.  But I defy anyone to tell me today’s shootout failed to electrify.

And confuse.

What are these rules?  I knew the same shooter could be called on multiple times in an international game.  I knew a shootout could go eight or more rounds.  I never considered the same person would be called on again and again (and again x 4) to JUST KEEP SHOOTING.

Obviously when lining up a shootout vs. Malkin, Datsyuk and Kovalchuk, anyone in hockey would pick TJ Oshie every time.  What, no?  Dan Bylsma believes in you, TJ Oshie!  AMERICA IS WATCHING!

So, TJ took six shots in eight rounds.  He scored goals on four of those shots.  Oshie Team USA shirts sold out everywhere and Americans are all, “Where do I send my money?!”

It’s a moment like that when we can proudly look around and say, “I’ve been telling you guys forever – hockey is awesome.”

Then tell them you’ll be over at 7:30 tomorrow morning, and you’re bringing donuts.

I wanted to feature a player who’s still playing hockey, since we have to get through the whole summer with guys playing golf.  How to do that without cursing myself tonight?  How about one of each?

Ottawa – Eric Gryba

Suspended two games in Round 1 for an earth-shattering hit that seemed clean to us, Eric Gryba is Chuck’s kinda guy.  With that beard, he could be Rick Nash’s stunt double.  He left Tuesday’s game with an ‘upper body injury’ after a big hit from Pens’ Brooks Orpik, and will not play tonight.  Get well, Eric! (Just not well enough to score goals, or stop them, you know… that’s my disclaimer.)

Pittsburgh – Matt Niskanen

If you never looked past James Neal in the Penguins/Stars trade, you may have ignored Nisky back there on the blue line.  Being adorable.  Having “Norman” for a middle name.  Talking like he’s from Minnesota with a shot of Texas.  Maybe you saw him fighting Kyle Okposo in Round 1.  Stupid brawl, but foxy black eye.  Go ahead and score all the points you want. (@alisonsykora approves this message.)

New York – Derick Brassard

Rhonda suggested Derick for Foxy Friday and got a really huge NO from me, but I’ll include him here.  Who does he look like to you?  It’s not Logan Lerman.  Someone on Glee?  I feel like Derick is going to break into a cover song at any moment.  I thought he was a rookie, but it turns out he was just playing in Columbus for 5 years.  Maybe I’ll just call him Foxy Trade Bonus.

Boston – Daniel Paille

Chuck hopes the Foxy Friday luck rubs off on Pie, since he hasn’t scored in a bit.  I think Paille looks much better without his heard.  It’s the whole strong-jawed, Bryce Harper thing.  But he can keep growing it as long as Chuck gets to keep watching her Bs – and he keeps hugging people this enthusiastically.

Los Angeles – Jarret Stoll

Jarret Stoll got hit by Raffi Torres in Game 1 of this series.  Torres got suspended (shocker) and Stoll missed Game 2 last night.  I don’t really get swoony over Stoll – are there any blond celebs he hasn’t dated? – but I like Erin Andrews a lot.  If he’s good enough for her, he’s good enough for Foxy Friday.  Here’s hoping he’s back in the Kings’ lineup soon.

San Jose – Joe Pavelski

Featured in this week’s BeardWatch2013 for his perfect 1:1 hair-to-beard ratio, Little Joe is one of my favorite Sharks.  Also the Sharks’ TV commercials were a highlight of living in the Bay Area for three years.  Enjoy Joe Pavelski – Lousy Detective, Joe Pavelski’s “Rest Homies” and just plain old Joe Pavelski.

Detroit – Jordin Tootoo

Things Jordin Tootoo loves: Instagram, his girlfriend, pictures of food and hockey fans.  He is quite possibly the most exuberant NHL player on social media (minus Biz and with zero snark).  Not only was Jordin the NHL’s first player of Inuit descent, but also the first from the Canadian province of Nunavut (Correction: Per shanes, it’s the territory of Nunavut. I have no idea what the distinction means, but I shall look it up!).  There’s a place in Canada where not everyone plays NHL hockey?  Dreams ruined.  Jordin is currently benched in favor of Todd Bertuzzi (DISLIKE) – maybe this will put him back in the lineup.

Chicago – Brian Bickell

A long-standing Foxy Friday requirement: Must Love Dogs.  Brian Bickell does.  He and his wife even founded Chicago Loves Pits, an organization to educate and open hearts and minds about pitbulls.  D’awww!  I know the sweetest pit, her name is Luna, and this one’s for her.  Brian also very gracefully handled the Blackhawks’ decision not to include his name on the Stanely Cup, and we love a polite guy.  In a Christmas sweater.

There you have it, even-stevens foxiness across the board.  Let’s see if it works.