Or something like that.
Allow me to share my unpopular American opinion: I am pro-Canada when it comes to Olympic men’s hockey. I don’t care if the NSA turns their cell phone recorders on me, but my heart goes with my favorite players on their biggest stage. We Americans win a lot in every Olympics. This one time I am okay with sharing.
That said, I’d like to see the US win silver every time or gold if Canada’s out. I am excited to see which Americans will represent our country in Russia – it makes me want to watch 80’s action movies (or Miracle). The Team USA roster was announced yesterday after the longest Winter Classic in the history of long things. Chuck and I, miles apart and minutes from starvation, implored them to hurry. Then they trotted out the kids in the jerseys and we were stuck. Kids, they get us every time!
I can’t find video yet, but one kid almost fell. You knew that was coming. Then one kid was a girl and I wasn’t expecting that.
Here’s the roster (alphabetically, not as line predictions):
Plus the worst-kept secret in hockey this week, the USA goalies:
NHL Network Analysis of the roster with bonus cold-weather fashion “do’s” featuring Kathryn Tappen.
NOBOBBYRYANBOOOOO. Cats of Instagram are wailing pitifully in alleys across America tonight. No more jokes about finishing second, or at all.
Any combination of Parise-Kesler-Kane will henceforth be known as the SAS(S) Line, for Smile-Abs-Smile.
All-Pens defense pairings give me the squees. And I think they know the coach.
Of course we have to give it up for Shattenkirk on D, pride of Boston University.
Finally, someone please explain Phil Kessel to me. I am going to start nominating him for makeover reality TV shows – the sure way to get Americans interested in something, it could be a blistering marketing idea for Team USA. We already have “before” photo:
AMERICA. For shame! Why would you release this photo? For something that looked worse than your jerseys? You need a publicist. I will work for tax breaks, Columbus Day off and your continued overlooking of my crush on Canada.
Phil seems like a really nice, shy guy – he overcame cancer for heaven’s sake! He should be able to overcome these image issues. In October he bought a suite, brought 24 child cancer patients to the game and SCORED THEM A HAT TRICK. Take that, walkathons! I am convinced that hiding behind this terrible haircut and penchant for wearing the same colorless suit to everything is a guy we could Foxy Friday. There are 34 days until Sochi. Let me at him and I’ll bring you the next American Express Olympics tear-jerker commercial icon.
Tags: bobby ryan, brooks orpik, Kevin Shattenkirk, patrick kane, paul martin, phil kessel, Ryan Kesler, zach parise