Tearin’ Up My Heart

Five days left left?  NHL ’13, we hardly knew ye!  Let’s be honest, though.

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.


Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.


After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.


Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.


More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

bolts The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

  • The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
  • The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
  • A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.


Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

sad doctor

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

star wars

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?


With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.


More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.


This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.


More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

  1. jana Reply

    The silver lining for us:

    Shirtless pics of Gabe ALL. SUMMER. LONG. And sooner rather than later.

  2. I really dropped the ball, you guys. And for that I apologize. Too many jokes about packing up a white board and heading to Edmonton, not enough follow through.

    But let me make it up to you..

    How I’m going to spend my summer:
    – Saving all my (now non-existant Canadian) pennies for a trip to Edmonton next season.
    – Recruiting members to #TeamJSchultz.
    – Photoshopping Amanda and myself into that picture of Justin and Taylor.
    – Catching up on all the sleep I lost because I live on the east coast and stayed up late to watch every Oilers game.

    Please, let that be enough for a playoff spot next season..

  3. I have never birthed a child, but Mother Staal, you are a CHAMPION. How many Staals are there? 8? Give that woman a medal. And an epidural.

    And I’m going to Edmonton for May Long. I’ll hug an Oiler for y’all.

  4. Pants, you had me right up until that Rangers comment. Even if you hate the Rangers, don’t you want to keep watching those Broadway beauties play more hockey?

    Rick Nash: awesome lumberjack playoff beard. Henrik Lundqvist: perfectly groomed playoff beard. Dan Girardi: steely blue playoff glare.

    Admit it… you want more of this.

    • Pants Reply

      I guess I need teams to actively root against… 😉

      Marty St Louis had a hat trick tonight. Unreal.