Nnnnnot that close.

So we proceed as before – NHL Man Madness 2016 Quarterfinal: VOTE HERE

Click for a larger version

To aid in these decisions, here’s a helpful visual guide.

Carey Price v Steven Stamkos

The Goalie and the Natural

I’ve never paid much any attention to Carey Price, but y’all love him. And I use “y’all” to demonstrate the one thing I know about Carey Price – he’s a cowboy. He can do horse-related things and also survival, which according to many Twitter comments would make his useful in case of zombie apocalypse. (No one suggested he compete on “Naked and Afraid” which frankly calls into question this whole bracket challenge.)

Judo chop!

I submit to you that as living off the land and shooting-while-running are exceptional skills, Stamkos is not without off-ice talents of his own.

You decide what’s more likely. The Walking Dead Reality Show or a young adult fiction series-turned-Hollywood blockbuster series starring a 60-goal scorer.

Sidney Crosby v Aaron Ekblad

Hate to see you leave but love to see you walk away.

Hahahaha, kidding. I’m kidding! That is so unfair.

The Kid and the actual kid

Tyler Seguin v Zach Parise

The Bad Boy and the Good Guy

That’s really fair, though, right? Finding a photo of Seguin with a shirt (and pants) on is not that easy. But don’t rule Zach out – he did take down Toews, after all.

Smile. People will wonder what you’re up to.

I’m just not sure anyone can stand up to Tyler.

He just couldn’t reach a towel. In a room full of towels.

Gabriel Landeskog v Jamie Benn

This bracket is the toughest for me by a mile. They’re both so… it’s impossible. Gabe refuses to wear a shirt, even while making you breakfast. Jamie can’t not be a dork. Not even for a second. Not even with his shirt off! It’s Kryptonite.

The Surprise and the Sure Thing

To assist myself, we enter this evidence before the court:

The Swedish Chef

The “I Can’t Be Sure it’s an Innuendo because it’s Jamie Benn”

Guess I’ll have to spend all day looking Google Image searching them to aid in my decision making (aka just continue what I’ve been doing all morning).

VOTE HERE: NHL Man Madness 2016 – Quarterfinal

Go on, take your time. Research these decisions. Quarterfinal voting will end Wednesday, March 30 at Noon Eastern.

]]> http://whatsupyasieve.com/2016/03/28/nhl-man-madness-round-2-vote-on/feed/ 3 http://whatsupyasieve.com/2015/11/09/beardwatch2016-begins/ http://whatsupyasieve.com/2015/11/09/beardwatch2016-begins/#comments Mon, 09 Nov 2015 15:21:42 +0000 http://whatsupyasieve.com/?p=22425 In September at our college reunion, I confessed to Chuck that I am secretly so tired of writing about beards. I can’t be funny anymore, I am no longer inspired, I’ve seen everything and…

Pre-game video that makes you question loyalties.

I LIED. BEARDS ALWAYS.

Did anyone know about this? I’m glad you didn’t warn me. #TeamEbs turning up in November looking like he might if the Oilers ever made the playoffs is a revolution. He missed the first 13 games with a shoulder injury sustained on September 29. He obviously spent this time very, very well.

Post-game, the beard was still there. Thank heaven, because if I were going to hallucinate something, it would definitely look like this. The Oilers locker room has really nice lighting, no?

Post-game video that needs a hug.

Bonus: Jordan Eberle Halloween commercial.

Oilers side note: The PUPPIES have a social media campaign about PUPPIES. Okay, other animals are eligible but they are clearly reading @alisonsykora‘s Tweets.

This is so meta.

Since it’s Monday, and Jordan Eberle & Mike Green train together in the off-season [What is this machine and how do I get a job making sure they use it properly?], I feel compelled to report that this is still amazing.

Post-game video that is now wash-and-go.

Ugh, Capitals. You will never be the same.

“I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh. “I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”

Then yesterday I opened the WUYS Twitter and saw 17 notifications. Either Jonathan Toews did a ceremonial face off against his tiny dog, or…

Aaron Ekblad’s humbeTweet

Yup. Everyone is demanding Aaron Ekblad be carbon-dated to prove his age. Which is 19, I’m probably legally required to remind you. Thanks to @ErinMiHaley for this one.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include Chris Higgins in the beard post. He is just back from a foot injury and, well, you can’t flash your abs on every play.

Post-game video that hates losing with :16 left.

Last, but not least, nothing has changed for our favorite Gingerbeard down in Nashville: still rocking the scruff, still getting into trouble.

“Details of your incompetence do not interest me.” – Miranda Priestly

On Thursday, James Neal took out Zach Parise. You could take Yahoo‘s headline opinion (quoted from Wild coach Suter), that hit was “dangerous, reckless”, or go with CBS Sports‘ feeling that the hit “doesn’t look dirty on Neal’s part.” You be the judge:

To me it’s clean enough, though awkward and ill-timed. From another player, I don’t know that this hit would be a conversation piece. At least Nashville seems to have had the sense not to let James speak to media post-game. Zach is week-to-week, after scoring 7 G in 12 games, so we hope he’s back on the ice soon.

With a beard.

Who else is sporting an excellent early-season pelt? Send them my way before they shave down to 1970’s cop-style Movember ‘staches.

UPDATE: Patrick Roy’s beard is perfect. For every time you just want to lose your $%&@ and scream at someone, think of this and feel zen.

Submitted by Henriikkax!

Hey there, Captain Zach!

I can’t find this image large enough to read text, so let me tell you what it says:

• Zach Parise can hold a lunge for five minutes.
• Over the course of the particular training program mentioned, he barfed three times.
• Barfing does not at all deter from the attractiveness of a man who can hold a lunge for five minutes.
• Wait, I said that last part.

I try to picture myself holding a lunge for five minutes – at the one minute mark I’d fall over and lay frozen on the gym floor, laughing hysterically at my own rigor mortis.

More on Parise’s workout routine from Sports Illustrated, with video in which he looks suitably miserable.  That’s our kind of tough guy.  Zach gets an open invitation to join our next Tough Mudder team.

Hockey in no sleeves = skiing in jeans.

We won’t tell chocolate milk if he drinks that free beer at the end.

Five minutes.  Shut up.

Allow me to share my unpopular American opinion: I am pro-Canada when it comes to Olympic men’s hockey.  I don’t care if the NSA turns their cell phone recorders on me, but my heart goes with my favorite players on their biggest stage.  We Americans win a lot in every Olympics.  This one time I am okay with sharing.

That said, I’d like to see the US win silver every time or gold if Canada’s out.  I am excited to see which Americans will represent our country in Russia – it makes me want to watch 80’s action movies (or Miracle).  The Team USA roster was announced yesterday after the longest Winter Classic in the history of long things.  Chuck and I, miles apart and minutes from starvation, implored them to hurry.  Then they trotted out the kids in the jerseys and we were stuck.  Kids, they get us every time!

I can’t find video yet, but one kid almost fell.  You knew that was coming.  Then one kid was a girl and  I wasn’t expecting that.

Here’s the roster (alphabetically, not as line predictions):

Plus the worst-kept secret in hockey this week, the USA goalies:

NHL Network Analysis of the roster with bonus cold-weather fashion “do’s” featuring Kathryn Tappen.

My thoughts:

NOBOBBYRYANBOOOOO.  Cats of Instagram are wailing pitifully in alleys across America tonight.  No more jokes about finishing second, or at all.

Any combination of Parise-Kesler-Kane will henceforth be known as the SAS(S) Line, for Smile-Abs-Smile.

All-Pens defense pairings give me the squees.  And I think they know the coach.

Of course we have to give it up for Shattenkirk on D, pride of Boston University.

Finally, someone please explain Phil Kessel to me.  I am going to start nominating him for makeover reality TV shows – the sure way to get Americans interested in something, it could be a blistering marketing idea for Team USA. We already have  “before” photo:

AMERICA.  For shame!  Why would you release this photo?  For something that looked worse than your jerseys?  You need a publicist.  I will work for tax breaks, Columbus Day off and your continued overlooking of my crush on Canada.

Phil seems like a really nice, shy guy – he overcame cancer for heaven’s sake!  He should be able to overcome these image issues.  In October he bought a suite, brought 24 child cancer patients to the game and SCORED THEM A HAT TRICK.  Take that, walkathons!  I am convinced that hiding behind this terrible haircut and penchant for wearing the same colorless suit to everything is a guy we could Foxy Friday.  There are 34 days until Sochi.  Let me at him and I’ll bring you the next American Express Olympics tear-jerker commercial icon.

The Golden Goal was the moment my husband realized I am actually crazy.   Cheers in my building died immediately – except for mine.  Instead of being devastated by the US loss, stunned silent and saddened, I was screaming.  There was jumping and running followed by a lot of not knowing what to do with myself.  My love of Crosby topped my love of country (and a fairy-tale ending) that day and I am not ashamed.

Needless to say, I am excited for the Olympics.  I’m only slightly less excited for the onslaught of commercials that revolve around the Games – and with 40 days until Sochi, they have begun.  They have begun!

I CAN’T!!!!

Let’s start with John Tavares’ face game face.  And his voice.  Holy Hannah, somebody give this guy a phone book to read and let me pay for the podcast.

You giggled when he looked at the camera, didn’t you?  I did.  I still am. When someone tells you to be serious and you can’t keep a straight face to save your life, just try squinting.  His hair is flawless though.  Let’s get over this lower-body injury and get this coif back on the ice stat, s’il vous plaît.

(Side note: This video was posted December 6 and I just found it.  Three weeks!  Intern Jeff Skinner is so fired.)

Every year, Canada takes to reminding themselves that hockey is their sport.  So far I have encountered zero Canadians in danger of forgetting this, but it’s very patriotic and rousing and jealousy-inducing so here you go:

Ahhh, Donuts!  We haven’t mentioned Drew Doughty around here in a while. Nice to see his floppy flow again – which is promptly upstaged by a glimpse of Stamkos as brief and wondrous as our hopes that he’ll be healed in time for Sochi.  Marketing at it’s best.

Canadian Tire makes excellent use of resident superhero Jonathan Toews to pay tribute to all that goes into hockey, starting with his parents.

There’s also a :30 version of the commercial, a behind-the-scenes video from the shoot and an extended interview with John & his dad about their backyard rink.

Superhero smile

We Americans have seen Zach Parise’s charming face during every play stoppage for nearly a month.  This after-school special should come with PB&J.

There will be more heartstring-plucking, chest-pounding, flag-waving ads in the days to come.  If you see one first, send it to us!

Wednesday was America’s birthday.  Ryan being a member of Team USA and proud American, we’re pretty sure he threw a pretty raging bbq.

Sparklers. Potato Salad.  Inflatable Pool Beer Pong.  The whole nine yards.

Then on the same day, he signed a BIG FAT MONSTER 13 year, $98 million dollar contract with the Minnesota Wild.

AMERICA!  More sparklers.

But today is definitely the best day of Ryan Suter’s week.

It’s Friday and everyone loves Fridays.

But more importantly, Ryan becomes a member of a very elite fraternity of NHL players. We call it Phi Phi Phi.  You might know it as…

Foxy Friday.

However, the reasons above do not solely make one worth of this prestigious honor and induction in to Phi Phi Phi.  Ryan has several other qualities that make him a worthy Foxy Friday honoree.

• Hockey Pedigree.  Ryan is the son of Bob Suter, who was a member of the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team that defeated the Russians in Lake Placid.  Everyone know how we feel about all things “Miracle” related. Also his uncle, Gary, is a NHL Hall of Famer and was the first American to win the Calder Trophy.
• Statistics.  The 2011-2012 season was Ryan’s career best.  79 games played, 7 goals, 39 assists, 45 points, and a + 15 rating.

• He’s #1.  Well, #7 actually.  Ryan was drafted seventh overall by the Nashville Predators in the 2003 NHL Entry Draft.  Also in his draft class – Marc-Andre Fleury, Mike Richards, Corey Perry, Jeff Carter, Eric Staal, and his new Wild teammate, Zach Parise

• Epic Bromance Potential.  Speaking of Zach…both signed identical contracts with the Wild on the same day!  Both from the Midwest (Zach is from Minnesota, Ryan from Wisconsin.)  Both played for Team USA.  Both drafted in 2003.  Both are adorable.  Forget Parise Watch.  We’re on Bromance Watch.

• Golden Boy.  Ryan has represented the US in ten international tournaments and has won 3 gold medals.  Unfortunately, he missed out on gold in the 2010 Olympics (one and only time I hated Canada) but we’re pretty sure he’ll get another shot in 2014 in Sochi, Russia.

• Military Might.  Ryan played at the Culver Military Academy where he scored 45 points in 26 games.  That’s an average of 1.7 points per game.  Also, he can iron creases in his pants so sharp, they’ll cut you.  (Full disclosure, it has been Fleet Week here in Boston.  Lots of men in uniform around here. Sensory/ovary overload.)
• Puppies. Cute boys + puppies = WUYS meltdown.

When you take all this into a count, it’s not hard to see why Ryan would get this week’s honor.  With in just a couple of days, he has become part of the THE biggest story in the off-season.

Personally, we’re dying to see what happens in Minnesota this season.

Will the Wild’s gamble pay off?

Will the team make the playoffs?

If they do, how far will they go?

Or will the liquidation of their piggy back be all for naught?

Check back with us in March…

Twitter was at Defcon One all day Tuesday and Wednesday.  That thing is worse than a middle school cafeteria for a gossipy game of telephone – and I enjoyed every second of it.  Camp Parise nearly caused a meltdown when they announced they would have an announcement, took ages to get it together, then said Zach was still thinking about it.

It was exactly like DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince singing about a girl who takes so long to get ready for a date that they miss the whole show.

But good for Zach, taking his time deciding which team to spend the rest of his life with.  Parise and Suter’s former teams (NJ and NASH) were in the running to re-sign, as well as other major contenders like Pittsburgh and Detroit.  Comparable offers were made, but both players chose Minnesota from a wide field.  Suter is from Wisconsin and his wife is from Minnesota.  Parise is a Minneapolis hometown hero – they should have a parade for his arrival.  The Wild have a great fan base, with 98.4% home attendance this year [link], despite missing the playoffs in eight of 11 seasons.  How excited are those fans now?

Suter brings the Wild 46 points, a top-notch blue line anchor and his guitar.  You know this guy is fun on the bus!  He knows all the words to your favorite song.

Parise notched 69 points and a Stanley Cup-final run last season.  We hope he packed a whole closet-full of snuggly sweatshirts.

Minnesota ranked #20 in total salaries last season, with over $8 million in cap space.  Currently they have just over $2 million left for next season.  The off-season frenzy turns now to other top available players like Rick Nash and Bobby Ryan.  A team looking to bump up their foxiness could do worse.

Of course Nash & Ryan are not UFAs.  Teams will have to give up big time assets to get them.  Especially Nash – at mid-season, the asking price was sky high.  Now that Parise is off the market, Nash’s value is looking very strong against the dollar. His contract goes through 2018 at $7.5 million and climbing.  Bobby Ryan is younger, cheaper and shorter-term at $5.5 million through 2015.

Plus, he really loves his cat.

Note to Rick Nash: Come to Pittsburgh! We didn’t get Zach, but you’re not our second choice. Well, maybe Crosby’s.  Either way, he needs a winger like he needs bigger pockets and we’re sick of hearing about it.  You can run people over before they get their hands on the Kid.  Imagine the scenario: Sid + Rick vs. Geno + James for which line can score more goals?!  I flail.  What about the Crosby, Stills & Nash jokes to be ruined by whoever gets that other wing?

Either of these guys to the Pens results in screaming that you’ll hear from your houses or cars.  What about the Caps?  They need to replace Semin!  They have money!  Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself.  One of these guys to the Flyers and Pam & Deb will never let us hear the end of it!  I just can’t help it if I want this on one of my teams:

Each team has been presented with one trophy this year. Both captains opted not to touch their Conference chalices, but only one will lift the Cup in 2012.

Will a playoff beard be the first to kiss Lord Stanley’s prize, or find itself waiting to see whom the captain hands the Cup to next?

Click [HERE] to read more…

Captain Brown vs. Captain Parise.

And no more of this:

Okay, maybe one more:

We extend sympathies to our Flyers fans.  Yes really, even though I hate them.  Losing sucks no matter if you’re my team or a great looking guy in an ugly suit.  Reasons and examinations for the loss, please report immediately to October where you’re all meaningless.

A big congratulations to our Devils fans.  NJ gave a huge performance, and frankly their discipline scares the crap out of me.  After watching the Flyers expose every single Penguins weakness then strip and sell them for parts, I thought they were rolling.  But NJ never gave Philly an inch, never let them crack that shell.  On top of great hockey, they played a great mental game.

The Devils await the winner of the Rangers/Capitals series.  I can’t say anything else for fear of a jinx, but more on this after round two is over.

You already know that Zach is American, because he scored the gold medal game-tying goal at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.  Remember that game all your friends were watching, screaming at the TV and saying “hockey is so great!”?  You resisted throwing Doritos and politely reminded them you’ve been saying this for twenty years.

Well, that’s how I remember it.

No doubt you heard a hundred thousand hockey fans collapse from exhaustion just after midnight when the Devils finally scored in double OT to beat the Florida Panthers and advance to the second round.  I couldn’t watch the game, but you guys were stressing me out just via Twitter.  I’m sorry I missed it!

Celebrating the singe-OT winner in Game 6.

Parise has played seven seasons for the Devils.  He missed most of ’10-’11 with a knee injury then signed a one-year contract in July 2011 to avoid salary arbitration.  In October he was named team captain, but has not signed a long-term deal and would become an unrestricted free agent on July 1.  

The team has openly said that signing Zach is their top off-season priority, while right now everyone is focused on winning [New York Times].  It’s a tough situation when every win only makes Parise more attractive to other teams – teams with salary cap space and early-ended playoff dreams of their own, like Ottawa and Florida [BleacherReport.com].

“He’s the heartbeat of our team,” head coach Pete DeBoer said. “When your captain is your hardest-working player, he drags people with him, and that’s a great situation to be in as a coach.” [NJ.com]

Off the ice, Zach enjoys golf (we enjoy driving the cart) and cribbage (don’t know what that is, willing to learn)  His favorite movie is The Count of Monte Cristo, and we assume he’s also read the book.  Just watch this interview… but don’t show it to your mom.  You will never hear the end of, “When is that nice Zach boy coming over for dinner?”

I’m sorry, but ‘Press Your Luck?!’  The Gravitron?! I haven’t been thrown up on in one of those since day camp.  Come on, my mom will drive us to the fair!

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Your Last Name Here, it's so nice to meet you.

The Devils open their series vs. the Flyers on Sunday at 3 PM.  After what happened in round one, you can guess what I would like Zach & Co. to do to Philadelphia.

Really, just me?

There are a lot of hockey-related things I could fire my HS BFF for, but this is not one of them.  This was a solid decision back in the day.  Of course I knew he would say no, what with being plenty older than I am and AHL hockey being over by June.  And what my hair looked like those days.   But still… I asked him (circa 1996).

This past May, I pretty much ran away from Steven Stamkos on an empty street.  My skills are not improving.

The Devils traded Brian to the Islanders last week.  Then they signed Zach Parise to a one year deal that probably means his days in NJ are numbered.  Get this – the Islanders are taking players on to reach the NHL minimum payroll under the current salary cap: $48.3 million.  Time for a shopping spree (and more cupcakes).

Zippy wants a contract for his birthday.  He and the Devils are scheduled for arbitration on Wednesday.  Zach missed almost all of last season with a knee injury, though almost made a comeback at the very end.  If they’d made the playoffs, perhaps he would have.  As is, it’s been a long lonely lonely time without him.  The Devils certainly felt it last season, even with their salary cap woes and surprising burst of late-season success.

Zippy made $5 million last year, up from $2.5 and $3 million the years before.  In early July, he said he’d take a 1-year deal to avoid arbitration but that the goal is a long-term contract.  Arbitration is a last resort and sometimes gets ugly, so here’s hoping Zippy and the Devs get something locked up before then.

Before the injury, Zach had a great seasons in ’08-09 (94 points) and ’09-10 (82 points).  The Devils made the playoffs both years but were eliminated in the first round.  And of course, there was this goal.  The shining time in which average Americans cared about hockey for one whole afternoon.

So happy birthday, Zip.  Get signed and get back out there soon.

Been a long lonely, lonely, lonely...

Zach Parise went out October 30 with a knee injury that was projected to take 3 months.  We’re closing in on the 5 month mark and there’s talk that Parise may return to the Devils’ lineup next week. [link]

Remember when I scored 45 goals?

Zach’s had a long year of watching Day of our Lives and doing 10,000-piece puzzles.  The Devils had a horrific start and a mostly terrible season that turned into a terrific run over the last few weeks.  They were maybe almost kind of closing in on a playoff spot… but last night they lost to Boston, leaving them 9 points out with only 9 games to go.  Even if Parise got back and was in full form, it would take a minor miracle to pull that off.

Remember when I tied the Olympic gold medal game with 24 seconds left?

If I’m Zach, I want to play. He’s at the end of a 4-year, $12.5 million contract and the Devils have salary cap problems that look like the US budget deficit.  Maybe they dump other contracts to keep him, maybe they shop him around.  It will help his value in any case if teams see him on the ice, playing. You don’t buy a car without a test drive.

That said, what is the point?  To rush back from any injury is a bad idea, and if something took 2 extra months to heal I say you should go easy.  Like all summer easy.  There’s a lot to lose and for the NJ Devils at this point, very little to gain.

Am I tan yet?

Zach Parise is so cute.

The rest of the NHL Media Tour crew was there, including Malkin, Toews, Kaner and my second-favorite Staal, Eric.  We bet Kane’s the only one who had any fun, hopefully joyriding around NYC in Lundqvist’s special edition bus.  After Ovie ditched me and Mike Green (apparently not on the guest list), he graced the party with his presence.  In a t-shirt.

Sid and Ovie did a photo shoot for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.  If you listen closely, you’ll hear a lot of screaming between Seattle (Dawn) and San Francisco (Pants).  There’s plenty of video and photo content of yesterday’s media tour at NHL.com, including Dion Phanuef talking about what makeup he likes to wear and EStaal talking about his butt.  Quality.

Before the party, Dawn and I let Mike Green and Ovie take us to a Russian restaurant.  Except they sat next to each other, so maybe we should be worried?  Dawn took this photo with her decoder ring camera, so as not to appear all fangirl in the moment, then ran to the bathroom and totally spazzed out.  Ovie had 11 shots of vodka and asked to borrow Mike’s Lamborghini.  I pretended to know what borscht was and tried not to think about Mike’s bathroom.  I’m pretty sure Mike was thinking about Mike.  As usual.

I would only eat borscht for Mike Green.

(Photo from @washcaps, which I think must be run by a girl because it’s pretty awesome.)