(To those of you lobbying for a Cam Talbot feature, you’ll have to wait until they are playing someone I hate in the post-season. I’m not about to let Foxy Friday accidentally help a Ranger right now.)

Not every team’s fate is sealed, but we’re being reasonable with Wild Card possibilities. This likely means someone will go 9-0 and ruin our lives. Forgoing teams that could still make it (Bruins, FlapAntlers), here’s a last look at the Eastern Conference foxes we’ll miss come April 12. Enjoy them while you can.

Philadelphia Flyers

I WON’T MISS YOU. I don’t care how ginger you are, how curly, how shirtlessly beer pong proficient. Two more games vs Pittsburgh will be plenty, thanks. I don’t think about you when you’re not here.

But if UFA MDZ signs elsewhere, I might be allowed to miss him a little.  We’ll have to see how this skate-gash-to-the-neck (warning: gross photo) heals, because we’re only pretending to believe his “I got bitten by a shark” story for one scar. And we’re still waiting for him to request our help in finding dates.

New Jersey Devils

Adam Henrique’s cheekbones lead the team with 40 points this season, and he’s all smiles in this post-game interview from early March.  Maybe he could play baseball in the off-season, after this play.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Ryan “Shameless Charming Kid Prop” Johansen deserved  his own Foxy Friday after the All-Star Game. I mean, the Flying V? What else does a guy have to do? Blame Ekblad.  But someday, Ry – probably right around when you take this girl to the prom.

If you want to speed up the process, stop wearing hats. Because:

Carolina Hurricanes

After they beat the Pens 257-2 last night (close enough), I am not inclined to include the Hurricanes in this post. But Intern Jeff Skinner already volunteered to work all summer, since… well, you know. And I am weak. Plus someone needs to censor what Jeff does while wearing a white t-shirt.

Don’t just give it away, Jeff! You’re not a Kardashian. (Also, he’s scared of rides at the fair. He just wants to wait in line with you and hold your purse. We are raising this guy right.)

Honorable Mention: Jordan Staal. He reminded us yesterday that he still exists/is handsome. Video @penguins.

Toronto Maple Leafs

I don’t think anyone will miss the Leafs this season, especially because our favorite Leaf is Elisha Cuthbert and she’s back on our TV. (You can watch One Big Happy here.) The Leafs are definitely not one big anything, unless it’s a steaming pile of mess, and there is no happy. Even Joffrey Lupul is posting sad lyrics as status updates, like a maudlin 10th grader. [song]

But at least when the season ends, he still looks like this.

HOLD UP. Did you know you can rate Joffrey’s outfits and raise money for charity?! How have we never known this, we’ve just been doing it for free! Our work, going to waste! Visit lupulstyle.com to vote.

Buffalo Sabres

Poor Zach Bogosian, getting traded to Buffalo. Update NY still loves flannel and fried chicken, though.

At least he’s not alone. Marcus Foligno wants to know if, while you were watching his brother captain a squad of drafting drunks at the All-Star Game, you thought about the cold, windswept blue of his eyes [video]:

No? Well, there’s always next year. And alllllllllll summer. Next week we’ll say goodbye to what’s left of the West, then it’s on to the playoffs we go.

The cold kind of always bothered me anyway.

Pass The Mic – Episode 7

They’re singing Frozen.

Or they’re trying, before dissolving into giggles.  This is how I imagine the in-theater Frozen sing-alongs went, if you could hear anyone else over my Oscar-winning performance.

“THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAY!”

Sadly, Zach Bogosian declines to serenade us with a Luke Bryan song, mostly because he can’t hold a note and that bicep flex at the same time.

Shirt by Saran Wrap.

Now I don’t know who any of these other guys are, and they are having none of Jacob Trouba on the microphone, but maybe it’s time to watch a Jets game.

Mark Stuart likes the 80s and 90s… probably because he’s Sean William Scott wearing a shoe polish beard.  Right?  Stifler can skate, we saw Goon.

Think about it – have you seen Seann William Scott lately?

Since no one else wants to sing, let’s go back to this:

Trouba and  Scheifele.  High School Musical.  Pitch Perfect.  How to get invited to the WUYS Prom.

Winnipeg makes a different player host each episode of Pass The Mic – a genius idea. So many possibilities for awkwardness and jockstrap backgrounds.

You can watch the rest starting with Episode 1, hosted by Tight Shirt Bogosian himself and discussing Movember mustaches – with Stifler, again.

Right? I am right.

Lots of teams visiting the Caps stay at the hotel next to my office.  It’s prime territory for an awkward lunch-break encounter with hockey players that no one else recognizes.  One day last year, Gator and I ran into a handful of the Winnipeg Jets.  By ‘ran into,’ I mean ‘stop talking up the whole sidewalk boys, this isn’t Sex and the City.’  But big strapping guys always turn heads, even if that makes it hard to dodge traffic or mind the curb.

Probably not Jets, but I can’t always tell.

We made it around the corner alive (and silent, for extra weirdness) and immediately both said, “Who was that guy?”  Obviously there’s a flaw in my facial recognition software, or I just don’t get to Winnipeg often enough to update the database.  I recognized former Cap Eric Fehr, but it was this guy that nearly sent Gator headfirst into a No Parking sign.

Foxy Friday: Zach Bogosian

Well, hello.  Zach is 22 and from Massena, NY.  There’s the Upstate NY that I represent, then there’s this.  Way to Upstate like you mean it, Bogo.

He was drafted third overall in 2008, and we must say the company is pretty foxy (now, not then).  It shouldn’t have taken us so long to get to Zach.

Especially because he’s got a Shea Weber/Skeet Ulrich/Jim from the Office thing going on.  Right?  He looks a little bit like an actual fox, in gorgeous real-life human form.  No question what his Patronus would be.

At 6’3″, 215 pounds, Zach is a physical defenseman with a scoring touch.  He’s hit the 10-goal mark once, and last season had a career-high 30 points (for my fantasy team, thanks).  This, the last year of his contract, should have paid him $3 million.  Sadly he’s making less that I am these days.

We think he’d be a hit at other sports, at least among the fans.

Golf Instructor – Meet us on the Ladies’ Tee.

Nature Guide –  We’d pay extra to watch him row.

Swim Class…

… because eventually there’s talking, and that’s where Ryan Lochte loses us.

Remember, if you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.  

While the lockout hurts everyone, Zach is one of the few players whose season is not (yet) affected.  He underwent surgery on August 31 to repair a torn ligament in his right wrist, an injury cited as “chronic” by team doctors.  The procedure was successful, but he was projected to miss 3 months (if not 4-6) in recovery.

At the rate we’re going, he might get back for Opening Night.

When he’s not busy bringing joy to the hearts of Winnipeg fans who waited so long for their team’s return, Zach really enjoys hunting.

In onesie invisibility cloaks.

His dog Tuck (peeking out of the corner there) is his superhero sidekick – complete with YouTube videos [link]. See above in the boat, and…

If you don’t love a guy who loves his dog, we don’t even know you anymore.

Tuck has the league-leading GAA.

This action shot demonstrates that Bogo also loves to Tweet (@Bogogo_44) and Instagram (zachbogosian_44).  Both activities require a lot of arm muscles.

He’s snarky too, which earns high-level foxy security clearance.

Really, he’s just like us… with more bicep.

 Changed his number (4 to 44), changed his Twitter handle.

If we can’t have hockey, at least we can hope Zach still Tweets some of our favorite winter activities, like Movember:

Scarves:

And the insistence that his eyebrows are naturally this shape.  It’s as true as it is tragically unfair. (Note: RNH still holds the title.)

Down here at the bottom of the post, we reward you with workout videos:

And just as you’re feeling the gaping void hockey has left in your life, a video of Zach cracking up laughing.  Happy Friday.