Patrick Kane, two track mind.  Hockey and…

I need a break.

But hockey stops for no Pants.

Over the last few days some important things have happened.  It’s our job to keep you informed, and keep you from from turning on the TV in October and shouting, “What the hell, Vinny Lecavalier is a Dallas Star?!”

Lecavalier Buy Out

In 2009, the Lightning signed Vinny to an 11-year, $85 million contract.  Now in 2013, they are returning him to the store for a 33% refund.  Should’ve bought that at Nordstrom, they’re famous for buying back old tires.

Vinny’s offensive output has steadily declined over the past few years [stats] as injuries have mounted.  With 7 years left on his deal, the Lightning will have to pay him 2/3 of the remaining $45 million (or $29.7 million), plus guaranteed signing bonuses totaling $8 million [Cap Geek].  Yes – they’re still paying signing bonuses on this deal.  Good lord.  What the Bolts get back is $15+ million in salary plus the clean wipe of $7.727 million/year off their salary cap.

(Math admittedly done by Pants.  Corrections anyone?)

Stevie Y explained the move [story].  He failed to confirm if they’re investing the saved money in a cryogenic chamber for Marty St. Louis to sleep in all summer.

Alex Tanguay Back in Colorado

File Under: Things Only Pants Cares About

Not true!  This trade sent David Jones and Shane O’Brien to CGY for Alex and Cory Sarich.  Avs fans, do you love this?!  [These guys say yes!]

If you’re new to my mad ramblings, here’s a recap: Alex Tanguay is my lobster.  My LTHR (Long-Term Hockey Relationship).  I had a shirt that just says TANGUAY  made off some website in 2000.  In ’04 I scheduled an entire cross-country drive with my dad around seeing a game in Denver… and Alex didn’t even play!! I have never seen him play, in fact.  Love don’t need a reason, y’all.

Why would I be excited about seeing a player I love traded to the second-worst team in the NHL (last season)?  Nostalgia, really.  The way Alex played in Colorado.  Plus he came from Calgary and they weren’t doing much anyway.  Forsberg should’ve saved his brief comeback for this because reuniting the AMP line would have put me over the edge.

Also, I now feel less bad about rejoicing when Iginla went to the Penguins.

People Who Have Dumped Alex Tanguay for Sidney Crosby:

• Pants
• Jarome Iginla

Sorry, Tangs.  Welcome home.

Danny Briere Still Needs a Team

Nothing can happen until July 5, when Danny (and Bryz and Vinny) officially become free agents.  Until then, I’m just saying:

I’m an excellent tour guide.

Kris Letang Turns Down $54 million for 8 Years

And so the huge contracts catch up with everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Letang.  I love him on defense when it’s not this year in the playoffs.  This offer is a bargain compared to Shea Weber’s 14-year/$110 million contract and Ryan Suter’s $13-year/$98 million deal.

But read that Vinny Lecavalier part again.  Think about Luongo and Bryz and almost Ovechkin there for a second when it looked like $9.5 million a year was buying 35 goals.  Of course Kris wants a huge, long-term contract.  Right now, every team in the League sees these contracts as bricks being thrown through very expensive windows.  (Note: Per the new CBA, eight years is the max contract length for a player re-signing with his current team.  Seven years for a new team. [link]  Thanks Lindsay and Alison, who are reading the CBA for fun.)

“Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers.”

Mark Messier Leaves the Rangers

I was home in NY two weeks ago, reading a full page cover story on Mark Messier interviewing for the Rangers head coaching position.  The next day, Alain Vigneault got the job.  I laughed, because the timing was embarrassing and I hate the Rangers.  But I don’t hate Mark Messier.  He will join the team to build the Kingsbridge National Ice Center in the Bronx, NY, which will be the largest indoor ice complex in the world and boast nine skating rinks [link].

Sounds to me like a place they could have put the Islanders, if Brooklyn didn’t beat them to it.

The Coyotes Could Actually Move

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme….

No, no, really!  The City of Glendale, AZ will vote July 2 on a lease agreement for the Coyotes Arena (Jobing.com Arena).  If they okay the lease, the NHL can sell the team to an outfit that would keep it in AZ [story].  If they don’t, Bettman says there’s time to move the team before the start of next season.   That’s a 3 month window, without training camp.    They’ll be packing like a breakup, tossing everything out the window onto the lawn.  Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

More on the deal, including a clause that would let the new owners end & move the Coyotes in 5 years anyway, from Phoenix Business Journal.

What else is new?  I’m surely missing something, blogging on half-screen while watching the Blackhawks parade.  And that first Patrick Kane gif….

My kind of climate crisis.

Before the close up, you have to sign a waiver saying it’s not my fault if you pass out, hit your head and prance off into an unconscious remake of Top Gun.

Shirtless – check. Beach volleyball – check. Mirrored sunglasses – check.

Wingmen (Nope, they’re both centers.)

There goes Obamacare, right down the drain, when we all show up at the ER in the same ambulance.  These guys are Canadian or Scandanavian, they already have national healthcare. [Larger version of photo]

Can someone explain why Vinny Lecavalier doesn’t age?  The only clue he’s not a robot is that robots probably tie their shorts up higher.

Old photo, no difference.

If that’s not enough to make you turn up on Gator’s Florida doorstep unannounced, Nate Thompson Tweeted this photo.  The Lightning is now everyone’s favorite team, hands (and dogs) down(ward).

An hour ago, this was happening somewhere.  Like Brigadoon.  I’d wait 400 years for it to happen again.

Guest starring Teddy Purcell’s ankles

]]> http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/01/17/buzz-the-tower/feed/ 4 http://whatsupyasieve.com/2012/07/13/im-a-winner-either-way/ http://whatsupyasieve.com/2012/07/13/im-a-winner-either-way/#comments Fri, 13 Jul 2012 17:01:41 +0000 http://wuys.wpengine.com/?p=11394 When we first heard about Smashfest, the Dominic Moore-organized NHL ping pong tournament benefitting concussion research, there was some high-pitched screaming.  Are you offering me a comically competitive sport, beer AND Steven Stamkos?  All you want is money?!

Why Am I Not Canadian? Episode #247

I believe we came up with this idea during a playoff intermission when there were no Mites on Ice to entertain us.  It might have specified beer pong or strip ping pong (I played that once, try it), but Claude Giroux has that market cornered for the summertime.

The NHL lineup goes on…

But obviously the most important part is this:

SHANNON MOORE.  That’s me!  Ever since my wedding, my goal in life was a photo of Ryan & Dom standing next to each other in their Lightning jerseys with my full name spelled across their shoulders.  (Dream big, kids.)  Damned trades to the Sharks!

But I’ve found my consolation prize, in the final round of Smashfest 2012:

Final Round: Team Moore vs. Team Shannon

Notwithstanding the performance of Team Rookie of My Life Logan Couture, or the fact that ping pong is apparently the only thing Stamkos isn’t perfect at, I have won this tournament either way!  And for that, I’d like to thank whoever is sending me to Canada to preside over next year’s event.

Gratuitous photo of why I don’t care if you’re any good at ping pong…

All the photos from the event [link] – enjoy!

Confession: I had to Google this - I thought it was a bee. So confused! Of course it's a lightning bug. Ten points from Gryffindor!

Vinny Lecavalier hosted a Celebrity Poker Tournament to benefit a Children’s Hospital.  Because it’s not enough that he can make that jacket look good.  We’re willing to bet Stamkos isn’t much of a gambler – he can’t stop smiling long enough to place a bet.

This look is getting pretty '80s. Which of course Stammer wouldn't know.

The Lightning look healthy and ready to go.  They are going to score a lot of goals.  The question is: can they stop any shots?  Goal-tending will be key and if they can shut down opponents’ tallies this season, their firepower will be tough to beat.

The Bolts play the Blues tonight in the pre-season opener, and you can listen online [link].  (Still talking about monkeys over here.)  For Gator, here’s a video interview [link].

Are my open pants distracting you?

Other teams that may have asked Brad to dance were Toronto, Calgary, LA, Tampa Bay and Philly.  How the Flyers have any money left after playing Supermarket Sweep yesterday is amazing.  And Tampa Bay, let’s focus on the chicken here: Give us our Stamkos immediately and no one gets hurt.

Richards, who has a confirmed case of Crazy Eyes à la How I Met Your Mother, is a nifty skater with a wicked shot and should rack up plenty of points in the absence of struggling forwards like Chris Drury.  Plus he can share hair product with King Henrick and hey… we’d want to play alongside MStaaaaaal and Mike Rupp too.

Style icons: Vinny, Henrik

I always want to call him “Brichards,” all one word, which my brain turns into “It’s Britney, bitch.”  So we’re gonna call him Britney from now on.  He can be one of her “city boys from New York.”  He’ll be 40 when this contract expires, and promptly put out to pasture with the Red Hat Society Wings.

And thus ends every FA deal we care about, with the exception of Stammergeddon.  But we’re not worried.  The Lightning will give him a blank check and our Life Plan will remain unchanged.  My birthday will be awesome.  Now, when do tickets go on sale?

I hung around Verizon for about 30 min yesterday after the Nationals game, deciding if I should spend way too much money on a hockey ticket or save it for Game 5.  If there is a Game 5.  There has to be, right?  Well good thing I didn’t go because I would have cried.

Halfway through the third, Squishy tried to pass through the crease.  The puck hit Mike’s skate like a backboard and went right in behind Neuvy.  It could have happened to anyone.  Lecavalier was right there with a wide open net anyway.  But UGH, Mike looked so sad looking up at the Jumbotron.

Shortly after, Mike took a bad penalty for sticking his elbow in Steven Stamkos’ face.  Someone’s been reading WUYS and got a little jealous over my fangirling Friday night.  Stammer weighs like 180, he wasn’t going to crush anyone into the boards.  But Mikey facewashed him anyway (because I said I like his beard).

Photo from jlrpuck.tumblr.com

I couldn’t watch to power play, too worried that TB would score again.  The Caps did kill it off (thank heaven) and Ovi got a beauty of a Hail Mary to send the game to overtime.  New hope, right?

Nope.  Lecavalier scored in OT to put the Bolts up by two games.  The Caps just can’t get a bounce!  Boucher will keep talking like they are underdogs and fighting an uphill battle and… oh shut up.  If you’re going to play great and convert on every opportunity then at least own it.

Shake it off, Mike.  If you’re sad then Nicky and Brooksy are sad and Sasha’s hair is so 90s that he can only take so much post-Cold War dreariness.  You’ll take the whole bromance down.  So have yourself a group hug, get iCarly to photobomb someone and you’ll feel better.  Work on your already suspicious tan in Florida and just relax.  Wins are coming.  We can feel it.  And some people can STFU, thankyouverymuch.