(To those of you lobbying for a Cam Talbot feature, you’ll have to wait until they are playing someone I hate in the post-season. I’m not about to let Foxy Friday accidentally help a Ranger right now.)

Not every team’s fate is sealed, but we’re being reasonable with Wild Card possibilities. This likely means someone will go 9-0 and ruin our lives. Forgoing teams that could still make it (Bruins, FlapAntlers), here’s a last look at the Eastern Conference foxes we’ll miss come April 12. Enjoy them while you can.

Philadelphia Flyers

I WON’T MISS YOU. I don’t care how ginger you are, how curly, how shirtlessly beer pong proficient. Two more games vs Pittsburgh will be plenty, thanks. I don’t think about you when you’re not here.

But if UFA MDZ signs elsewhere, I might be allowed to miss him a little.  We’ll have to see how this skate-gash-to-the-neck (warning: gross photo) heals, because we’re only pretending to believe his “I got bitten by a shark” story for one scar. And we’re still waiting for him to request our help in finding dates.

New Jersey Devils

Adam Henrique’s cheekbones lead the team with 40 points this season, and he’s all smiles in this post-game interview from early March.  Maybe he could play baseball in the off-season, after this play.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Ryan “Shameless Charming Kid Prop” Johansen deserved  his own Foxy Friday after the All-Star Game. I mean, the Flying V? What else does a guy have to do? Blame Ekblad.  But someday, Ry – probably right around when you take this girl to the prom.

If you want to speed up the process, stop wearing hats. Because:

Carolina Hurricanes

After they beat the Pens 257-2 last night (close enough), I am not inclined to include the Hurricanes in this post. But Intern Jeff Skinner already volunteered to work all summer, since… well, you know. And I am weak. Plus someone needs to censor what Jeff does while wearing a white t-shirt.

Don’t just give it away, Jeff! You’re not a Kardashian. (Also, he’s scared of rides at the fair. He just wants to wait in line with you and hold your purse. We are raising this guy right.)

Honorable Mention: Jordan Staal. He reminded us yesterday that he still exists/is handsome. Video @penguins.

Toronto Maple Leafs

I don’t think anyone will miss the Leafs this season, especially because our favorite Leaf is Elisha Cuthbert and she’s back on our TV. (You can watch One Big Happy here.) The Leafs are definitely not one big anything, unless it’s a steaming pile of mess, and there is no happy. Even Joffrey Lupul is posting sad lyrics as status updates, like a maudlin 10th grader. [song]

But at least when the season ends, he still looks like this.

HOLD UP. Did you know you can rate Joffrey’s outfits and raise money for charity?! How have we never known this, we’ve just been doing it for free! Our work, going to waste! Visit lupulstyle.com to vote.

Buffalo Sabres

Poor Zach Bogosian, getting traded to Buffalo. Update NY still loves flannel and fried chicken, though.

At least he’s not alone. Marcus Foligno wants to know if, while you were watching his brother captain a squad of drafting drunks at the All-Star Game, you thought about the cold, windswept blue of his eyes [video]:

No? Well, there’s always next year. And alllllllllll summer. Next week we’ll say goodbye to what’s left of the West, then it’s on to the playoffs we go.

The cold kind of always bothered me anyway.

Before undertaking this Phil Kessel makeover reality TV show, perhaps we should have watched 24/7.  Perhaps Intern Jeff Skinner should stop terrorizing my team with multi-goal games and do some blogging so I can watch TV, but that’s not going to happen.  So we rely on friends.

.gif from bleedblueandwhite.tumblr.com

In her campaign to make  me and Lindsay , as she calls it, “Leafs tolerant,” Alison sent us this:

Right?  This makeover business isn’t going to be so hard!  First of all, Phil’s condo is major.  A four-poster bed and a  bathroom big enough for a hockey rink… I dream of architecture and natural light.  And their dog – a dog, you guys!

For cuddling!  In front of not three but FOUR TVs.  Are they all hooked to one remote?  If so, this is heaven.  Can I order pizza and/or launch the space shuttle from there?  I might not even need to throw a rager and invite you guys over.

I love how they set-decorated the living area (don’t try to tell me they have placemats out all the time) but didn’t bother even making Bozie’s bed.  BOYS. Maybe Phil is OCD for cleaning – AWESOME.  Live with a guy someday and you’ll wish for such ridiculous luxury.  Or that vase of (probably fake) flowers atop his dresser.

So, are we getting there?  Do matching thermals and toques (Canadian word alert), plus a bromance alive and well bring you a step closer to seeing Phil’s charm?  You can introduce your friends to his charming, homeless roommate.  That bit at the end about looking like idiots really melted our frozen hockey hearts.  Any chance they’d let us dog- and house-sit over the next road trip?

Don’t worry, we’ll be back with more installments of Presenting Phil Kessel.  Or what this really is: The Millionaire Matchmaker (Mr. Pants loves that show). Don’t worry Phil, we’ve got this.

Right now we need to watch 24/7.

Saved it from Puck Daddy because they named the file “nakedlupul1.jpg.”

His name is still Joffrey, which is unfortunate.  I bet he gets chills whenever Arya whispers her list.

Here’s a whole gallery of behind the scenes photos from this year’s Body Issue shoots.  Well not BEHIND the scenes, literally – yikes, you need to be careful when talking about this kind of picture.  Anyway, sans lighting and color mapping and well, clothes, Loops looks pretty good.

We see you, dude at the back.  Craning your neck.

The artsy finished product:

Remember that time Cosmo picked Kessel as their hottest Maple Leaf? 

Not to complain about gifts or snacks or naked pictures of hot guys, but I always think the NHL player gets the most boring shot in the every Body Issue.  Other athletes are doing cute things, funny or active things – they’re laying on a pool float or sneaking out a of hotel room with no pants on.  The hockey ones are always so… meh.  Here Ryan Kesler, hold this rock.

This should’ve featured Loops as The David, modestly wearing a Maple Leafs logo.  Obviously.

Against all reasoning, we love this shot (which won’t make print).  Less naked?  More clothing?  That seems cruelly, disappointingly backward but this picture is much sexier.

$20 if you spray Loops with that hose, my friend.

Or this one.  Oh, you’re in a bathrobe, driving an Aston Martin?  Is that Starbucks cup for us?  Because now we’re talking, Joffrey.  Drive on.

Loops had a naked photo internet scandal a while back – Google it if you must, we suggest you don’t.  And don’t read about the Crossing Broad stuff about the girl.  Oh, now you’re going to, aren’t you?  You’ve been warned.  So were they, hopefully by their parents, of being haunted forever by bad, trashy decision.

No one listens.

More on The Body Issue here, including video – but not of Joff.  Remember, ESPN hates hockey.

Hey guys –

Chuck here.  I know you have a Game 7 tonight so I just wanted to give you a few words of encouragement.

Don’t F**K it up.

Seriously.

You had this  series.  You HAD it.

You were up 3-1 in the series.  The Maple Leafs team is good good, but not THAT good.

You started off with domination…then have slowly disintegrated like the Death Star after Luke and Rogue Squadron had at it.

Every time James Reimer saves yet another Tyler Seguin shot, I feel this.

Whenever you don’t take that shot when you clearly have the opportunity, I feel this.

I’m over it, Bruins.  Time to man up and make this happen.

Give me what I want!

Buffalo has been giving Caps fans heartburn for the last few months – I hurt the most for their fans because it was nearly us in their place.  A ton of respect to this team for the way they played in the last half of the season.

Winnipeg, the most excited place in the League, put on a good show and will benefit from realignment this summer.

Tampa Bay… I can’t talk about it.  Not seeing Stamkos and St. Louis in the playoffs after their ferocious post-season performance last year just guts me.  Stamkos for 60 would make it a little better.

Carolina struggled so massively in the first half, I hope they feel some accomplishment in getting where they did.  Intern Jeff Skinner can even have a few days off.

Bless Toronto and Montreal fans – they get angry but they never, ever give up.  Even when their teams don’t win, the passion of their fans make me jealous.

The Islanders have some blinding talent, I think they’re on the upswing.  They’ll have more to cheer about soon.

Bonus points for Sign Guy.

If your team didn’t make the playoffs, we’re sorry.  Enjoy the drama of the post-season without wanting to throw up over every goal, or adopt a team that would be happy to have your support.  Summer’s not that long, and there’s always next year.  Hockey fans never say die.

Western Conference, you’re coming up.

Our lovely followers came up with some fantastic choices, but there was one who stood out amongst the rest…

Joffrey Douglas Sheldon Lupul

courtesy of sammanthamariee.tumblr.com

courtesy of h0ckey-l0ve.tumblr.com

We just don’t hand these out willy-nilly, you know, so why is Joffrey so deserving of the Foxy Friday honor?

• He’s 6’1″, 206lbs.
• 28 years old, born in Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta.
• He is TEARIN IT UP for the Leafs this season.  13 goals, 19 assists.  32 points, which puts him as #4 in the league.  Certainly doesn’t hurt that Cartman Phil Kessel is on your line.
  

  Big time.

• Drafted 7th overall in the 2002 Entry Draft.  You know who was the #1 pick that year?  The one and only Rick Nash.
• First player to score a playoff hat-trick in Anaheim franchise history.
• First player to score four playoff goals in one game, including an overtime winner.
• First player to score all four of his team’s goals in a playoff game.
• He has managed to come back from some serious and scary injuries, a spinal cord contusion and an a blood infection after back surgery that would keep him out almost a year. 

• He spells his name all weird.  And we dig it.

That's J-O-F-F...Yea, I know its weird. Just go with it...

• He enjoys playing the guitar.  We’d gladly allow him to serenade us.  Pants likes the love songs of the Barenaked Ladies.  I love me the song stylings of Hall & Oates.
  

  We're totally taking this show on the road. WORLD TOUR!

• He is on the twitter – @jlupul.  And you all know how we feel about hockey players on twitter – tweet GOLD .

They only THINK I'm Canadian...

Foxy Friday Bonus

Check out Joffrey’s crib when he was playing with the Flyers.  

He loves guacamole.  

So do we.

Happy 22nd birthday, Luke Schenn!

For his birthday, Luke had a fight in the game vs. New Jersey last night.  It’s pretty much a draw, but the Leafs won it 5-2 – Joffrey Lupul even delivered a natural hat trick.  Everybody loves presents.

Luke is a stay-at-home defenseman (he can stay at our home anytime) who will drop the gloves if the situation clearly calls for him to smack someone.  He had 7 NHL fights in his rookie year, but has slowed a bit.  So far this season he has two bouts.  At 6’2″, 229 lbs, we’d take that action – in a bet, you pervs.

He’s from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan (say it, it’s fun), loves ice cream, Family Guy and Garth Brooks.  Somebody tell him we’re taking more intern applications.  Schenn also has a program called “Luke’s Troops” that provides military families with tickets to Leafs home games.

Let me be honest about something – it really bothers me that they’re the Toronto Maple Leafs with the plural is “leaves.”  My inner OCD English class nerd just twitches.  But for Luke, I will put my grammatical complaints aside.  In September, he signed a 5-year, $18 million contract with Toronto.

Luke’s little brother Brayden is in the Flyers organization and the two played against each other on October 23 (Philly won).  They are best friends who talk daily and account for some of the 75 texts Luke says he sends every day.  Hey, we have unlimited texts.  Add us to that list!

So, even one day late, get yourself a cupcake and enjoy it while watching this adorable interview from last month and wearing a party hat:

Gratuitous, excellent photo by devin-elizabeth.tumblr.com in Winnipeg.

The NHL’s other leading goal-scorer, Phil Kessel Cartman has 7 goals and 12 points in Toronto.  He’s historically a fast starter (as is the Nealmobile), only to experience huge production drops later.  Currently, he’s on pace to score 114 points.  Read about his streaky past and current roll in the Toronto Star [link].

Last night he scored in the 3rd to tie the Leafs 3-3 with Winnpieg, and the Leafs won in a shootout.  Good thing too, because I told our friend Shades to bet that way on the game.  So Cartman saved me $5 (thanks bud).  Toronto is 4-0-1 at present, in Boston tonight visiting Chuck.

What do you think – are these hot streaks going to hold up?  Is this the year we see big breakouts?  Here’s hoping Kessel keeps scoring – that’ll teach people to pick him last in the All-Star Game draft!  He’s on Twitter too – @pkessel81.

You are almost better than a Starbuck's Gold Card my friend!

I am so wearing ‘the outfit’ more … Especially during play-offs to STARBUCKS! A big shout out to Random Maple Leaf Fan this AM who bought my Venti Earl Gray Tea Latte. You made my morning after the LA KINGS lost a heart-braker to San Jose last night.

Thanks dude! Love you too!

You also made me laugh when you suggested we fly to Pittsburgh and you’d buy me an expensive steak dinner if I wore this outfit at the Consol Energy Center! HAHAHAH – I’m not THAT dumb brother! I got you back when I said I’d do it if I could sit on Letang’s lap! You didn’t think I’d say that!

So here’s to you Random Maple Leaf Fan … maybe next year. Phil Kessel took it like a man when was picked last at the All Star game and yes, your boys trounced the Caps once this year.

They FINALLY did the deal to bring puck-moving Maple Leafs defenseman Tomas Kaberle to Boston in exchange for Bruins prospect forward Joe Colborne and a 1st round draft pick in 2011.  The deal also stipulates that should the Bs make it to the Stanley Cup Finals this year or re-sign Kaberle at the end of this season, they must also hand over a 2nd round draft pick in 2012.

He's so excited!

Kaberle is in his 12th NHL season and has 3 goals, 35 assists, and 16 penalty minutes.  He’s decently sized (6’1″, 214lbs) but he is exactly what the Bruins have been lacking on their power play since Dennis Wideman left.  Kaberle can move the puck and work the point.  Since the trade rumors started maybe a a week or couple of weeks ago, I’m been praying to sweet little baby Jesus in his tuxedo t-shirt that the Bs would make this move.  Kaberle will be with the team tonight (Friday) in Ottawa and will wear #12.  (His #15 was not available as it was Milt Schmidt’s number which is retired and hanging in the Garden rafters.)

In his presser this afternoon, Chiarelli did mention that it was very hard for them to let go of top prospect Colborne.  Although he has yet to make his NHL debut, Colborne was a player that the team was very high on.  He’s a beast – 6’5″, 213 lbs – and was their first round pick in 2008.  Chiarelli mentioned that he and other front office personnel called Colborne personally to tell him.

Bruins also picked speedy centerman Rich Peverley and defenseman Boris Valabik from the Atlanta Thrashers in exchange for defenseman Mark Stuart and forward Blake “Wheels” Wheeler.  Peverley gives the Bs added speed and crazy faceoff winning skills (55.5% of faceoffs won).  He has 14 goals and 20 assists this season and will join the team on the 20th.  Valabik will go down to Providence to join the Bruins’ minor league affiliate.

While I am a little bummed that “Wheels” is gone (because I liked him as a player), I’m very happy and optimistic that the Bruins have made some positive changes to their line up.  With the addition of Chris Kelly from Ottawa earlier this week, the Bs look to have put together a strong team with which to make their playoff run.  Add into the mix 4 solid lines that can score and the best goaltending duo in the league and this girl is one happy bear!

I can totally explain this.  One year my mom got a new waffle iron and went nuts.  Waffles are a breakfast delight, but she was not so contained.  We had waffles with soup, waffles topped with stew – you name it, it came with a waffle.  A total family intervention was required to end Wafflekrieg 1992.  Whoever brought these waffles to the game just didn’t know how to break it to their mom that you can’t make a tuna sandwich on waffles.

Bonus Nerd Alert: It’s always really bothered me that it’s Maple Leafs not Maple Leaves.