Patrick Kane, two track mind.  Hockey and…

I need a break.

But hockey stops for no Pants.

Over the last few days some important things have happened.  It’s our job to keep you informed, and keep you from from turning on the TV in October and shouting, “What the hell, Vinny Lecavalier is a Dallas Star?!”

Lecavalier Buy Out

In 2009, the Lightning signed Vinny to an 11-year, $85 million contract.  Now in 2013, they are returning him to the store for a 33% refund.  Should’ve bought that at Nordstrom, they’re famous for buying back old tires.

Vinny’s offensive output has steadily declined over the past few years [stats] as injuries have mounted.  With 7 years left on his deal, the Lightning will have to pay him 2/3 of the remaining $45 million (or $29.7 million), plus guaranteed signing bonuses totaling $8 million [Cap Geek].  Yes – they’re still paying signing bonuses on this deal.  Good lord.  What the Bolts get back is $15+ million in salary plus the clean wipe of $7.727 million/year off their salary cap.

(Math admittedly done by Pants.  Corrections anyone?)

Stevie Y explained the move [story].  He failed to confirm if they’re investing the saved money in a cryogenic chamber for Marty St. Louis to sleep in all summer.

Alex Tanguay Back in Colorado

File Under: Things Only Pants Cares About

Not true!  This trade sent David Jones and Shane O’Brien to CGY for Alex and Cory Sarich.  Avs fans, do you love this?!  [These guys say yes!]

If you’re new to my mad ramblings, here’s a recap: Alex Tanguay is my lobster.  My LTHR (Long-Term Hockey Relationship).  I had a shirt that just says TANGUAY  made off some website in 2000.  In ’04 I scheduled an entire cross-country drive with my dad around seeing a game in Denver… and Alex didn’t even play!! I have never seen him play, in fact.  Love don’t need a reason, y’all.

Why would I be excited about seeing a player I love traded to the second-worst team in the NHL (last season)?  Nostalgia, really.  The way Alex played in Colorado.  Plus he came from Calgary and they weren’t doing much anyway.  Forsberg should’ve saved his brief comeback for this because reuniting the AMP line would have put me over the edge.

Also, I now feel less bad about rejoicing when Iginla went to the Penguins.

People Who Have Dumped Alex Tanguay for Sidney Crosby:

• Pants
• Jarome Iginla

Sorry, Tangs.  Welcome home.

Danny Briere Still Needs a Team

Nothing can happen until July 5, when Danny (and Bryz and Vinny) officially become free agents.  Until then, I’m just saying:

I’m an excellent tour guide.

Kris Letang Turns Down $54 million for 8 Years

And so the huge contracts catch up with everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Letang.  I love him on defense when it’s not this year in the playoffs.  This offer is a bargain compared to Shea Weber’s 14-year/$110 million contract and Ryan Suter’s $13-year/$98 million deal.

But read that Vinny Lecavalier part again.  Think about Luongo and Bryz and almost Ovechkin there for a second when it looked like $9.5 million a year was buying 35 goals.  Of course Kris wants a huge, long-term contract.  Right now, every team in the League sees these contracts as bricks being thrown through very expensive windows.  (Note: Per the new CBA, eight years is the max contract length for a player re-signing with his current team.  Seven years for a new team. [link]  Thanks Lindsay and Alison, who are reading the CBA for fun.)

“Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers.”

Mark Messier Leaves the Rangers

I was home in NY two weeks ago, reading a full page cover story on Mark Messier interviewing for the Rangers head coaching position.  The next day, Alain Vigneault got the job.  I laughed, because the timing was embarrassing and I hate the Rangers.  But I don’t hate Mark Messier.  He will join the team to build the Kingsbridge National Ice Center in the Bronx, NY, which will be the largest indoor ice complex in the world and boast nine skating rinks [link].

Sounds to me like a place they could have put the Islanders, if Brooklyn didn’t beat them to it.

The Coyotes Could Actually Move

Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme….

No, no, really!  The City of Glendale, AZ will vote July 2 on a lease agreement for the Coyotes Arena (Jobing.com Arena).  If they okay the lease, the NHL can sell the team to an outfit that would keep it in AZ [story].  If they don’t, Bettman says there’s time to move the team before the start of next season.   That’s a 3 month window, without training camp.    They’ll be packing like a breakup, tossing everything out the window onto the lawn.  Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

More on the deal, including a clause that would let the new owners end & move the Coyotes in 5 years anyway, from Phoenix Business Journal.

What else is new?  I’m surely missing something, blogging on half-screen while watching the Blackhawks parade.  And that first Patrick Kane gif….

Steve Yzerman

The former Detroit Red Wing and current GM of the Tampa Bay Lightning is a legend.

Plain and simple.

And if anyone tries to disagree with us,  I will take off my giant bamboo earrings.  Pants will kick off her heels.

The reasons why Yzerman is deserving of this honor are endless.   The smile and the sexy crow’s-feet are enough to do us in.  But there is just more to this man than that…

• He played his ENTIRE 23 year career with the Detroit Red Wings.

(Pretty sure that guy in the locker next to him is naked…)

• He was named captain of the Red Wings in 1986 at the age of 21 and wore the “C” for over 1,300 games.  He is the longest-serving captain of any team in North American major league sports history.  Now if that doesn’t say something about how people feel about this man, then I don’t know what does.

• 3 Stanley Cups.
• Winner of the Pearson Award, Conn Smythe, the Selke, Lester Patrick, and the Masterson Trophy.
• 10-time NHL All-Star.

• His #19 jersey was retired in 2007.  As an additional honor the captain’s “C” was added to the corner of his banner to forever commemorate him as “The Captain”.
• 6th in NHL history in points, 8th in goals, and 7th in assists.
• 1, 514 games played. 692 goals. 1,063 assists. 1, 755 points.  924 minutes of shame.
• He was inducted into the NHL Hall of Fame in 2009, in his 1st year of eligibility.  Also inducted into the Ottawa Sports Hall of Fame, Canada’s Sports Hall of Fame and Michigan Sports Hall of Fame.

In 2004, Yzerman was hit in the eye by a deflected slapshot.  His orbital bone was broken and his cornea was scratched.

My father broke his orbital bone once.  It was pretty gnarly.  But not nearly as gnarly as Yzerman’s injury.

I can’t post the photo here for fear of grossing everyone but you can easily find it on the interwebs.  Beware – it is TERRIFYING.   And strangely sexy.

After his NHL career ended, Yzerman joined the front office for the Red Wings and is now the GM for the Tampa Bay Lightning.  He was instrumental in TB’s continued improvement and for re-signing Steve Stamkos.

We also like to think of him as Stamkos’ sage mentor.

We picture them standing in at center ice in a darkened arena, contemplating life, career, and the future of the Lightning.

It’s all very Mr. Miaygi/Daniel-san.

I think you get the point.

Steve Yzerman is awesome.  Awesome and FOXY to the max.

 P.S.  I just had to post this photo.  Because it makes me laugh.

Steven 1 and Steven 2 (Yzerman and Stamkos, obvs) did a press conference last week [video] about Stammer’s 5-year contract in which Yzerman said:

Well OBVIOUSLY. What did you think we were gonna do?

And Stamkos said:

I love everyone. Puppies and rainbows and cupcakes. Wait, I'm not allowed to have cupcakes. Unicorns, then.

Seriously, Steven Stamkos is the happiest person on Earth.  He always looks like he’s going to burst out laughing. And I’m right there with the mad giggles on a trip to Laugh Land, even if his hair is too long.

So Stammer will be in Tampa Bay forever, score 2.5 million goals and never get a tan.  Status quo is safe for another day.  Now excuse me while I try to make Gator faint. [Full photo gallery at Lightning.NHL.com]

And since his name is Shannon too, here’s Ryan Shannon’s first interview as a Bolt [link].  This team is Fox News, eh?  Every time they announce something, it’s suspiciously attractive.  Perhaps Mrs. Yzerman is really calling the shots (and we like it).

WUYS bonus points if you know what the title of this post references!

Mexican coca colas for everyone!

We follow pretty much every NHL team on the twitter in the hopes that someday they’ll follow us back and we’ll feel super popular and emotionally validated as serious hockey bloggers.

Phoenix Coyotes were the first to follow us, but have to admit that we’re way more excited about the Bolts following us.

That much closer to Stammer, Squishy, and Stevie Y.

Gator can barely contain her excitement.

so, you wanna go to turkey with me for summer ... no?

If only this article would have come out BEFORE the Capitals played Tampa Bay then maybe they would have stood a chance! But NO! On the other hand, do hockey fans really read Sports Illustrated? Because they hardly EVERY cover anything on hockey. It would have been the best kept secret, like it still is. (visit)

Ok and don’t laugh, OK – laugh  because the title says, “A former NHL Coach cracks the 1-3-1 code” and guess who the ‘former’ NHL coach is … No, I’m not telling. You’ll have to go there yourself. It’s just too awesome to spoil. Or perhaps you don’t care.

Either way, if I didn’t love the Capitals so much, I would have picked Tampa Bay to beat them because in hindsight, they didn’t have a prayer. With a newly revamped ‘defensive’ team, there was no-way in hell they stood a chance against Guy Boucher’s brilliant 1-3-1 mastermind. And yes, he made it up. He’s my new favoritest human-master-of-the-universe. And while Steve Yzerman deserves the credit for hiring said mastermind, I’m thinking Tampa Bay may only be just getting started.

I can't help but fall for you ...

I strongly dislike to be wrong. I strongly dislike to dislike teams with players and coaches who might soundly beat my favorite players and teams. I strongly dislike to like really smart, weirdly hot, strange but hot, wickedly smart coaches with hot, small players and young, weirdly blonde possibly hot really good but too good for their own good players who compete too well against my own favorite players.

i'm not naming names

So to sum it all up: Boston, don’t read the last week’s SI. I’m trying really hard to not like Tampa Bay and Guy Boucher but I’ve always been drawn to the dark side. And lightening just may strike more than once, twice, three times. I feel a dynasty coming on … and it’s not in Washington I fear.