Every April, we wonder how we got here – if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

See also: Ryan Miller, Ringmaster

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

Will again become this:

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

That mess really did happen.  I’m disgusted in both teams because they are better than that. They have really made me mad.  Like flames on the side of my face mad.

These are undoubtable the best teams in the East and here they are playing bush league hockey like a bunch of thugs.   ARRGGGGH it just makes me so angry.

Since their meeting in the playoffs last year, the Bruins and Penguins have created a rivalry whose intensity has reached nuclear levels this season.  And Saturday was Chernobyl.

First you have Orpik’s hit on Eriksson.  Then Thornton’s reaction to said hit.  Then, just when you thought things couldn’t get worse,  you have James Neal kneeing Brad Marchand in the head while he is down on the ice.

Orpik’s hit started the meltdown with his check on Eriksson.  From the replays, the hit didn’t look exceptionally dirty (he might have left his feet a little) but it was a devastating blow to the Bruins as it knocked the Bs left winger out of the game with his 2nd concussion of the season.

Then Thornton sent things to a critical level when he retaliated and took Orpik down to the ice.  Now I love Thornton…when he isn’t being a complete and utter moron.  He is a player that brings a grittiness and physicality to the game that should be appreciated. But I CANNOT abide by his actions on Saturday.

It is embarassing for not only the Bruins, but also for Shawn Thornton, and it showed in his post game interview.

He looks as if he is about to burst into tears at any time. No doubt a suspension is coming for ST22 and when it does, he will take his punishment like a big boy and hopefully put this entire debacle behind him.

And then we have James Neal.  Oh James, I thought you were better than that. Pants thought you were better than that.  She is wicked mad at you right now and you are going to have to work hard to get back in her good graces.

Also – you’ve been Shannaband.  Five games to sit in the corner in time-out to think about what you’ve done.

What we all need to do is take a deep collective breath and just calm the f*&^ down.  Stop the madness, people!

It seems to me that we are precariously close to forgetting that this game is all about. Especially the men that have the honor and the privledge to play this sport.  It is about using their emmence and awesome talent  to compete with dignity and grace.  It’s about sportsmanship.

Forgotten what that looks like?  Let Patrice show you.

Bergeron helping get stretcher out to Orpik

Two of the things we love most in the world.

Put them together and let the seal-clapping and squeeeeeing commence.

The Boston Bruins released their own 2014 calendar – just in time for the holiday season, natch – and here are some of the highlights

I have no idea what is going on with Johnny’s shirt but honestly I really don’t care.  Because his face. And the fluffy puppy face. That dog looks as happy as I would be to have Johnny’s arm wrapped around me.

Things I love about this photo: Brad Marchand’s Sweater.  The dog’s name.  Great name for a dog.  If I ever get a dog, I am doing to name him Han Solo.  Or Lando Calrissian.  Either one would work.

Continuing with the Star Wars theme, next we have Iggy with his dog, Onja aka Yoda.  Yoda is killing it with those ears.  She might be carrying a little extra weight around the middle but let’s face it – it is friggin’ cold in Calgary.

How cute of a pair to Kelly and Mama Celeste make?  It doesn’t even matter that she is named after a microwaveable pizza! She’s adorable.  And Kelly holding on to her so gently is just precious.  Because you know at any minute she is going to jump out his arms and go skidding across the ice on those wee tiny paws of hers.

I want to take Roscoe home with me right now and rename him Han Solo and love him and squeeze him and pet him.  Oh and his picture also features Milan Lucic.  Who apparently went to the James Neal School of Awkward Dog Holding.

So much going on with this photo.  Despite the horribly unphotogenic background, I kind love this picture. You know how they say that dogs and their owners start to resemble each other?  Ladies and Gentleman – there is your proof right there.

Wiggles? Bubbles Lollipop? I can’t. Seriously, Wiggles.  He (she?) is werking it.  Smizing.  Fierce. Because I can’t for the life of me imagine Dennis “Der Hammer” Seidenberg actually naming his dogs this, so I’m going to assume that his children named them.  Or perhaps there is a softer, gentler side of Seids we don’t yet know about.

That sound you hear is my roommate @sailingfoodie collapsing on the floor and dying.  She is OBSESSED with bulldogs and spends hours creating a plan on how she would get her hypothetical dog up to our 3rd floor apartment.  (We were going to rig a rope & pulley system from our living room window and pull the dog up in a bucket, in case you were wondering.)

While Zorro’s cuteness is undeniable, the real winner in this photo is Gregory Campbell.  He’s one of the foxier Bruins and after that whole playing-on-a-broken-leg thing, he’s an out-right legend.

Of course they take the photo in front of the Bunker Hill Monument.  Because if there was anyone who would be from Charlestown, it would be Shawn Thornton.  You’ve seen The Town, right?  You can’t tell me that he wouldn’t have fit in perfectly as a bank-robbing extra.  Clearly, the greyhound must be his wife’s and the other is his.  Because there is no way that a guy like that has a little dog.

WEE LITTLE PUPPY!  TUUUUUUKKKKKKAAAA!  If he’d have put that hot dog dog actually in his goalie mitt, there would have been a nuclear cute-splosion and I would be writing this post from some desolate radioactive wasteland. Also, did you see the dog’s name?  Wishful thinking, little buddy, but I applaud your ambition.

Lola is adorable but there is just not enough juxtaposition in this photo.  Chara needs a smaller dog – like a Pomeranian.  Or a Maltese.  Can you imagine?  Just look at Chara.  He can’t even fit in the seats.  Sort of like me at a Red Sox game. #tallpeopleproblems

Not to be out done, even the Bruins management and coaching staff got in on the fun.

Bosco looks like a dog that Neely would have.  Big. Strong. Devastatingly handsome.

Peter Chiarelli and his pugs!  Butterballers!

Sadly no Patrice Bergeron, but I’m sort of glad for that.  Because if there was a photo of Patrice, wearing a sweater, holding a puppy…I’m not sure that I could have handled it.

Bruins’ 2014 Calendar is $20 + S&H and can be ordered here.

Big, huge, mega thank you to @lilfish77 for scanning these! 

Lumber was a-flying and the team trainers were going through cotton gauze like Taylor Swift goes through boyfriends.

Patrice Bergeron, Zdeno Chara, and Carl Hagelin were just some of the players that needed zippers to close up gashes. Tyler Seguin got clubbed in the face trying to split the Rangers D.

And even with a blood stained sweater and egg above his eye, the Professor is still absolute perfection.

Bruins took a decisive 3-0 series lead on the Rangers last night with a 2-1 victory at Madison Square Garden.  Lundqvist was stellar in net and showed us all why he’s nominated yet again for the Vezina Trophy.

While Lundqvist was great, the Bruins’ 4th line was better.  Shawn Thornton, Gregory Campbell, and Danny Paille were by far the best line for either team.  I double dog dare you to name a more productive and skilled 4th line in the entire NHL.

Merlot Line.  Drink it up. Tastes so smooth.

The advantage of having a 4th line like the Bruins, is that most teams don’t have an answer for them.  They simply don’t have the personnel to get the  match-up needed to neutralize the speed of Paille, the physicality of Thornton, or the shot of Campbell.  The Merlot Line has accounted for five of the team’s six points (1 G, 4 A, 6 SOG).

Last night, Paille scored what might be the most fluky, improbably goal in the Playoffs.  The puck bounced off Lundqvist’s mask, fluttered down to the goal line, then bounced forward, AWAY from the net.  Paille was then able to put it in.  Everyone was all “WTF just happened?!”

Other game notes….

Teen Wolf Tyler Seguin is still looking for his first goal of the playoffs…but it is most certainly not for a lack of trying. He’s been shifted to the 3rd line but don’t think for a minute that this is a demotion.  Playing with Peverley and Kelly has seemed to open up his game and allowed him to get some quality scoring opportunities.  But he has got to be frustrated.

Young Guns on Defense – The Bruins’ young defensemen Torey Krug & Matt Bartkowski have had a great series so far.  Krug has scored 2 goals in 3 games.  What he might lack in size, he more than makes up for in skill.

Soft hands, people.

Jagr’s Beard.

What is this thing?  At first, I thought that it was shaved in the middle, like some weird mutton chop thing you might find on an extra in Game of Thrones.  But then it realized that it is just gray.

You know, the more I look at it, the more I love it.  It is bizarre, but when you are one of the greatest players in the game and on your way to the Hall of Fame, you can do whatever the hell you want.

Bruins can close out the series with a win tomorrow, sweeping the series and securing a spot in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Should that happen Thursday, I would not want to be anyone in that Rangers’ locker room.

The event, dubbed “Hockey Resurrection Party” was hosted by our local sports radio station, couple of hockey blogs, including our friends at Days of Y’Orr and Boston sports apparel juggernaut, Boston SupahFans.

Highlights:

Appearances by Bruins National Anthem singer and fan fave, Rene Rancourt.  He was rocking a USA flag print vest and tuxedo and after he sang the national anthem, pumped up the crowd with his legendary fist pump.

All the people watching.  Hockey fans are a special breed.

Yes, that is a man with a mohawk.

This gentleman’s name: Big Scary Fan Guy.

No party is complete until you bust out the Montreal Canadiens pinata.

Photo ops with hockey players.

Lyndon Byers (AKA LB)  and me

Meeting other female hockey fans who appreciated the game as much as I do.

Custom-made Bruins high heels

Using the guise of the blog to take picture of cute guys.

 I’m talking about you, tall drink of water on the right.

And you, sir, on the left…

Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton was also there.  From the moment he walked in the door to the moment he left [like 2 hours later], he posed for countless photos with fans.  It’s got to be exhausting to constantly have to smile and deal with those flashes all up in your eyeballs, but he did it with kindness, a smile, and a witty Irish charm.

Earlier in the day, I submitted a question for Thornton for the Q&A to be hosted by @hackswithhaggs.  And whayda ya know! They picked my question!  And he answered it!

My brilliant question:  If you could play on a line with any NHLer (dead or alive), who would it be & why?

ST22:  Cam Neely & Bob Probert.

[If anyone out there has video of Shawn answering last night’s question, please send it my way!]

This is a man knows which side is bread is butter on.  The people at The Harp were his “people” and by taking the time to come out, say a few words, snap a few picks, shows us that he gets it.

All in all, a great night. I’m super pumped up for tomorrow!

Hockey is BACK!

It’s ALIVE!

Click on the image below.

Watch the video.

Totes brilliant, right?  LOVE IT!!

Screen capping GOLD!

Thornton-san

Making sweet music

Master of the post-National Anthem fist pump.

Nothing more important than the flow.

Gosh, he's just such a noob.

Andy the Science Guy

The Bear is the worst roommate ever.

Patty cake.

I know how you feel, Jack. I love The Bear too.

I said, "No. New. Taxes."

Last night, Boston Bruin (and Foxy Friday honoree) Shawn Thornton had one hell of a game vs. the Winnipeg Jets.

Not only did he beat up on the Jets’ Mark Stuart like he stole his lunch money, but he also scored this BEAUTY of a shorthanded goal…and on a penalty shot, no less.  Watch it [here].

Did I mention this guy is a 4th line grinder?  4th LINE!  Sick mitts, ya’ll.

Ain't no thang, but a chicken wing.

That goal came on Thorty’s FIRST ever attempt at a penalty shot in his career.  He put the extra spicy sauce on that thing. 

Even Timmeh loves it.

FREE HUGS!!

In the locker room after the Bruins’ 5-3 win, he was joking with reporters that that is a move that he’s been practicing with Tuukka Rask during practice for a while. [Video]

Well, Mr. Thornton.  Looks like all that practice paid off.

Without a doubt, ST22 is one of the most affable and popular players on the Bruins.  The fans and the city love him and I think that he loves them right back.

And isn’t that what you want in your President?

Decision 2012 - Thornton for President

until this happened.

Who farted?

PARTY IN THE PENALTY BOX!

But this is a party you wouldn’t really want to go to.  The food is bad.  The champagne is flat.  And someone clogged up the toilet.

It was ugly, people.  Oooglay.

And like Nine Inch Nails, we were headed into a downward spiral.

Chris Kelly – perhaps the most unassuming, gentle man on the Bruins – even got into a fight.

CHRIS KELLY!

Chara goes all Godzilla on this guy…

I’m not one to complain about the officials but they were a little suspect last night.

I'm sensing a pattern here....

Bruins = 72 PIM.  Hurricanes = 22 PIM.

Really?  Only 22 minutes?  Both teams were chippy and throwin’ bows but somehow only the Bs got the minutes.

Chuck no likey.

Neither does Coach Claude.  He got tossed.  Pretty sure if he could have chest bumped the refs MLB-stylo, he would have.

Grumpy Bear.

If they do wrong, give them the two minutes (or four…or ten).  Make them feel shame.  But don’t be one-sided in your punishment.

BTDubs – Shawn Thornton, 2 minutes for “Abuse of officials”?  Never heard that one before.

I, sadly, was not there.  My invite must have gotten lost in the mail.

But Andrew Ference, Shawn Thornton, and Brad Marchand were there.

And they brought the Cup along for all to see.

Hot, Hotter, and Motoscooter. AF and ST looking delish...but not so sure about BM's shirt/chain combo though...

BROMANCE ALERT!

Is this really happening?  Is the team that I’ve rooted for and cheered for all season really in the Stanley Cup Finals?

Hell ya, they are!

Bruins and Canucks will face off at 8pm EST in Game 1 of the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals.  I’m supposed to have grad class until 8pm but I’m totally planning on having to “go to the bathroom” and racing home (as much as one can race on public transportation) to watch the game.  I was invited to a meetup of Canadian ex-pats in Boston to watch the game, but they’ll all be cheering for the Canucks and I don’t know if I can handle that…

There has been a lot of media coverage of the SCF here in Boston (natch) and with that comes some awesome photos and screen caps of our most favorite Bruins players.  I only felt is was far to share them with our loyal readers because regardless of your personal hockey affiliation,  you understand the magnitude of the Stanley Cup Finals and what it means to the Canucks and Bruins hockey fans everywhere.

Plus their beards and faces are awesome.  See evidence below.

You’re welcome.

GO BRUINS!

Hi-fives for everyone!

Click, Click, Click...BOOM!

"I once caught a Canuck aboot this...big..."

Learning about the elusive creature known as the...Power Play Goal.

Still pondering just how in the world he made that save on Steve Downie...

Krecji looking all kinds of Euro

.:love:.

I already got my name on the Stanley Cup...what about you?

Teen Wolf like shiny cup.

Notice who's on the wall behind him. *good omen*

"I am Darth Quaider. You will fear me...and my mullet"

Czech me out, ladies.

Why hello there, Boych. Don't you look foxy. P.S. Your profile is *swoon*

The Professor has tenure with the Bruins. 7 years. He's only 25.

• April 1st –  Shawn Thornton named WUYS’s Foxy Friday.
• April 5th – He is named the 2011 Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy nominee.

I’m sure that his great player and all around awesomeness contributed greatly to his nomination but you can’t discount the Foxy Friday Effect.

It sorta magical.  Like the “Felix Felicitas” potion from Harry Potter.

Shawn…you’re welcome, buddy.

Below is the presser about #22’s nomination (courtesy of bruins.nhl.com)

Bruins forward Shawn Thornton is the Boston Bruins 2011 Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy nominee, as selected by the Boston chapter of the Professional Hockey Writer’s Association (PHWA).  The Masterton Trophy is given to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication to hockey.

“One of the most popular Bruins in recent memory, Thornton’s perseverance in the pursuit of his NHL dreams and dedication to the community embody exactly what the Masterton Trophy is designed to honor,” said Joe Haggerty, PHWA Boston chapter chairman and Bruins beat reporter for CSNNE.com.

Before Thornton earned a Stanley Cup ring with the Anaheim Ducks, he had spent nine seasons between the Toronto and Chicago organizations trying to earn a full-time NHL role. Thornton was traded to the Bruins following his Stanley Cup victory and since has become a mainstay in Boston’s lineup. This season Thornton has achieved career highs in goals and points (9-9=18), but without compromising the physical aspect of his game that he is known for. Thornton leads the team in penalty minutes with 122.

A leader off the ice as well as on, the Charlestown, MA year-round resident received the 2010 John Bucyk Award for his community contributions. Last summer, Thornton organized the first annual “Putts and Punches for Parkinson’s” golf tournament to raise money for the American Parkinson Disease Association. Thornton is also a key player in the annual Cuts for A Cause charity event, where fans bid to shave participating Bruins’ heads and the funds are donated to the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical Center.

The winner of the Masterton Trophy is selected by a vote of the 30 chapters of the PHWA at the conclusion of the regular season. The winner will be announced at the NHL Awards, which will be held on Wednesday, June 22 in Las Vegas.

Eat your heart out, Marky Mark. I'm the real fighter.

Not only will he pummel you to a juicy pulp like Tropicana, he’ll then turn around and score some sicky goal top shelf like he was Sidney Crosby or something.

Some other reason why Thornton gets this week’s honor?

He took time out of his busy pugilistic endeavors to appear in a Dropkick Murphys’ video.  (For those of you who don’t know, the Dropkick Murphys pretty much provide the soundtrack to the Boston sport scene. See evidence below.)

AND just the other day, he took a skate to the face from Fernando Pisani and needed 4o stitches to close the gash.

Shawn is looking a little bit like Frankenstein’s monster nowadays, but that only adds to his bad-assery and overall hockey foxiness.

WUYS digs scars.

So let’ see…

He can fight.

He can score.

He can do shots.

He’s got “blue-collah swagga.”

This is a combination that we likey.  We likey very much.

And that is what makes Shawn Thornton this week’s Foxy Friday.

A question I often ask myself...

My brain goes immediately to what MY fight song would be – every time I see Sean Avery I want to skate out there and punch him.

We’ll let Jordan Staal’s Meg Ryan-shag duke it out with Kris Letang for the rights to this one:

And one for Chuck when Shawn Thornton drops the gloves (13 this year):

Where are all my Pens fans?  They have 63 fights on the season – Engelland has 12 of those.  Is there a song about elf costumes for Mike Rupp?  Re-watch this gem and tell me you don’t hear “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne.

You know you have one.  A song that comes on and you immediately want to break something shaped like the Detroit Red Wings.  Or maybe you ended up in charge of the iPod while favorite fighter is sticking up for his guys again (Tyler Kennedy).  Let’s hear ’em.  Tomorrow we’ll do goal-scoring songs.

Also awesome is the fight at the 2:08 mark, featuring former Bruin PJ Stock. He straight messes that guy up!

(Thanks to Chocolate Iced, for sending it to me.  He is a true friend.)