Every April, we wonder how we got here – if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

See also: Ryan Miller, Ringmaster

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

Will again become this:

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

I have to post this inconceivable Giroux goal from last night. It made SportCenter’s Top 10 plays – and not SportsCentre (say it like you’re French) that you Canadians have up north with your Cabbie and your highlights.  I’m talking about American SportsCenter where hockey might as well be knitting for all the coverage it ever gets.

Holy Hannah, that is a goal and a half.  He should get extra points – and not just for being ginger.  Giroux’s Hail Mary was the game-winner, scored with under 2 minutes left to cap a 5-goal third period comeback for the Flyers in which Claude had 4 points (2G, 2A).

WHEW.  Did I mention it was the 100th goal of his career?  He did more in 20 minutes than I do in week.

The case for spray tanning.

Here’s G post-game [video], telling press he hadn’t seen the goal and didn’t know what happened. I imagine the Blue Jackets were across the hall saying the same damned thing (then burning the video).

The Flyers currently rank 22 in Goals For, with 85 total on the season.  Of those, they’ve scored 29 goals in December (9 games), making this month’s average 3.2 goals-for per game.  That’s up from 1.8 GF/G in October and 2.5 in November.  For a team that’s had 16 one-goal contests this season (8W, 8L) a consistent increase in average scoring could translate to a lot of points.  Philly has climbed to 8th in the East and would have a playoff spot as of today.

My point?  Maybe nothing.  Recreational stats math.  Or the Flyers are probably coming for us because that’s my nightmare.

It doesn’t hurt if you’ve got a smile like Flower’s, either.

Also doing good work for the holidays – the Blackhawks, helping the Greater Chicago Food Depository [link].

Jon’s getting way too much hand-in-pocket there, I think he needs smaller jeans (paging James Neal!).  Or more squats.

.gif by @jobiegirl6

Can we get that for Christmas, Tazer?

The best charity event so far?  Scott Hartnell beat James van Riemsdyk to raise money for Hurricane Sandy relief [link].  Hartnell raised $22k to JvR’s $18k… so JvR went shopping today at the Mall of America, in full hockey gear.

When there’s no hockey on, it’s hard to dislike the Flyers (and former Flyers).

The NHLPA Goals & Dreams Fund and RBC Play Hockey program have their charity game tonight in Toronto.  Alison will be there taking photos for us and trying not to get arrested.

If team Stamkos/Neal isn’t enough, Steven said in an interview this week: “Hopefully we get back because I’m getting too big in the gym working with Gary [Roberts].'” [link]

And I was said:

by toewslake.tumblr.com

If you see a great hockey-related holiday story, send it to us!  Since I can’t just check team websites, there are surely a lot I’m missing.

The event, created by Scott Hartnell, Todd Fedoruk and  Joe Watson from the Caesar’s resort group, featured teams of NHL players in a charity fundraiser for Hurricane Sandy relief.  It sold out Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall to nearly 11,000 fans – most of them Rangers and Flyers fans.  They got to see…

James Neal score four goals.  Get it, baby.

Photo by nealwithit18.tumblr.com

Brad Richards and Scott Hartnell were the team captains, which is an impressive amount of hockey hair leading the charge.  Just for Ashley (@a_rake), here’s a photo of Brad doing #longhairdontcare with his helmet off:

Team Richards won 10-6, thanks mainly to King Henrik doing what he does (second) best – goaltending.  He made 56 saves!

His first and most appreciated talent will always be just being this:

Our friend Sonia (@lihui815) clearly knew what she was doing: Documenting the Flow.  Check out all her photos here.

Remember when we were brainwashed and liked Stamkos’ long hair?

I’m so glad those days are over.  Also, Steven is a wonderful human being who signed a puck for a girl whose sign said:

from Puck Daddy

WAITWAITWAIT.  I just have to write something and he’ll do it?  

How long can the sign be?  Can I have more than one sign?  Are there kids in this audience?  They can’t read anyway, right?

Now if someone could talk to iCarly about his hair…

Though there’s something quite Roman gladiator-esque about this look that works for him.  I’m thinking shield, bronze kilt, thighs.

And of course, Scott Hartnell.  He and I really have the same hair.  I’m just not lucky enough to be ginger.

Now back to the good part.  These two photos are from Instagram (kirstenfrances) via Tumblr, and she should get credit for having such an eye for perfection.  We don’t know her, but we love her.

This scored four goals.   Just take a moment to soak it all in.

Bravo to everyone who contributed their time and effort to make Operation Hat Trick a success, and it sounds like a lot of fun.  There’s talk of another charity game, perhaps in NYC, perhaps when I have stopped eating 9000 calories a day or have purchased snow pants to wear.  Either way, it’s a field trip.

Photos from the event were a bit limited.  If you’ve got good ones, let us know!

Oh, how I wish we were.

The true evil genius is Pam (@sunnyinnj).  Twice I’ve posted hilariously captioned photos without knowing the maker – and both times they turned out to be hers.  So follow away on Tumblr.  If you don’t have one, how on Earth do you spend your free time?  Are you reading books or something?

She also blogs at phaceoff.wordpress.com.  And even though they’re Flyers fans, Pam & Deb saved us seats right up front at the Caps Convention panel with Mike Green.  The way to our hearts (and posts) is always through perfect hair.

Who makes double entendres with random-yet-endearing capitalization?

What Ebs dreams of when he looks in the mirror?

Who needs you to bring them a beer?

Who will buy you popcorn at the movies?

Who thinks college is way different than it really is?

But gets everything else so right?

With all this, a tan, and the potential of a Mike Richards/Jeff Carter Stanley Cup party to contemplate, I think we might get to September after all.

Sidney took a puck to the face.  I’ve said “not the face!” many times, but never at such volume.  Sid bled everywhere and then did what hockey players do best, let it stop and kept playing.  Well, it didn’t totally stop.

He will play tonight against Buffalo, a game the Caps need the Pens to win.  Wait, what was that?  The reluctant sound of DC fans rooting for Pittsburgh?  Be still my beating heart.

We could say the Pens need the win also – Philly’s only two points back and there’s no reason to lose home ice advantage for the first round.  Sid and Co still have two games vs. the Flyers and one vs. NYR, so any game played against someone else is a bonus where you should grab all the points you can.

In the Battle of the Blog, the Capitals beat the Bruins last night 3-2 in another shitty overtime victory that I’ll take, but don’t like.  I don’t like what it says for when we meet teams that can play sixty.  Any team can struggle any night, but the Caps do it every night.

This hit by Jason Chimera on Adam McQuaid was the talk of the game.  Chimera got tossed for charging, but today the NHL has said no disciplinary hearing will be held.  Can Shanahan do videos for hits that are NOT suspended?  It would explain a lot more to me.

Chuck is not happy about that.  What would cheer her up?  How about Nicky B, possibly back in the line-up Saturday vs. Montreal.  That’s right – MONTREAL. RENE BOURQUE.  Come and get it, punk, we’ll be in section four-oh-something with our elbows up.

Also close to coming back, Jonny Toews.  Imagine how cranky he is not being able to play?  He’s probably organized every fork in his kitchen by how far apart the times are.  With a protractor.  The Hawks have won 7-of-10, but Tazer in the playoffs is a whole new kind of hot damn,

Colorado and Calgary have must-win games tonight… against each other.  WELP.  No guarantee a win will carry the victor into a playoff spot but it’s hard to see the loser of this one hanging on much longer.

Everyone is excited about EA Sports allowing, for the first time ever, a popular vote to decide the NHL13 cover boy.  Get the interns on this one!  Cast your vote(s) at www.NHL.com/CoverVote, or let the players woo you to their sides. Ton of Twitter chirping = our dream.  My favorite:

Uh, Team Claude.

It also looks like the Art Ross and Rocket Richard trophy races are drawing to a close, according to my master plans.

Geno can go till June, thank you very much.  Stammer, well, it wasn’t to be this year.  But Steven keeps on scoring.  He has five goals in his last five games – 55 total, for a career high and Lightning team record.  With five games left, could Stamkos get to 60?  I say YES.  I keep yelling it at the TV.  I keep…

So here’s to tonight, as we near the end of the season, and a lot of hockey fans get ready to say goodbye to their favorite teams.  If you’re looking for someone to back in the playoffs, allow us to make a few suggestions.

Mr. Pants: “What are you so happy about?”

Obviously he doesn’t share my pain in missing a week of hockey and the ASG Draft, or as we prefer to think of it, The WUYS Bachelor Auction.  I’m sure it was great.  And I saw they put Letang in the front row because even he can only get away with tripping once.

The Elimination Shootout started as we reached cruising altitude.  Stamkos stepped up… and the pilot came on the PA talking about miles programs and tail winds and how, if you looked out the right side, you could see a chicken in Mississippi riding a bicycle.  He talked the ENTIRE TIME!   We almost had an incident with Homeland Security.  Plus the seatbelt sign was on forever and I really had to pee.

During the post-win interview, I lost it and said, “Stop touching him, Pierre!” really loud.  Unless Pierre has scissors, though it doesn’t look like he’d know how to cut hair.

Hands off the merchandise, Troll.

Also, it’s not easy to watch Nealmobile do Accuracy Shooting when it’s illegal for me to scream, run around or throw things.  As I watch back through the coverage, the ASG never fails to be a highlight of the season.  It brainwashes me into a maniac who thinks things like:

Red heads in pink shirts?  Sure, why not!  Too bad no one could straighten it out before shooting.  Unless Giroux’s going to tear it off, it shouldn’t be stretched like that.  My inner publicist cringes.  (Note: That plaid jacket still needs to go. Along with Neal’s. Were they on sale in Ontario at some point?)

Carey Price is funny.  And charming.  I didn’t think this could get worse.

Scott Hartnell + the Sedins = my nightmare.  Except it’s fantastic.

And some things’s don’t surprise.  Henrik Lundqvist puts everyone to shame, in every category.

If you didn’t think Patrick Kane would steal the show then you must be new around here.

My tights are underneath.

As always, the awkward prom photos.  Everyone is cringing about talking to fathers and having to

See you at the prom party, Segs.

Logan can pick us up in his new car.

 What did you guys think?  No Crosby, Toews, Green, Backstrom, zero Staals.  Still everything you hoped for?  And share your favorite bits, because I probably missed them!

The last time the Blackhawks played in Philly…

And they’ve been gearing up for their return:

Toews also had a smile on his face when asked about going back to Philly for the first time. Turns out he purchased replays of Game 5 and Game 6 of that series on iTunes and had a group of current Hawks watching it with him during a flight this season.

“There were a bunch of guys huddled around the seat watching on the plane, and even watching those last two games … you know the outcome ultimately, but it still makes you nervous to watch it a little bit,” the 23-year old Hawks captain said. “A lot of those cool feelings come rushing back and everything from the celebration on the ice and everything in the locker room, too. It’d be cool to think about that again.” [NHL.com]

Tazer’s still rocking those stitches in his lip.   It’s one time we were all, “NOT THE FACE!” the decided that we don’t really mind.

Gingeroux is still near the top of the NHL points card (46, one of the Sedinbots has 48).  Jonathan is tied for 2nd in goals scored (22, but Stammer’s opening up race with 27).  Dan Carcillo is out against his former team, which really sucks because he & Hartnell could go 12 rounds over who I hate more.

The Hawks and Flyers each have 52 points (Flyers have two games in hand) and lost their last match-ups.  Let’s see who wants to start a winning streak tonight.

Caps TV did a totally boring Mike Green birthday segment in which Mike showed off this hair.  No casual helmet toss or Fighting Irish stance – this is gel, mousse and possibly a blow dryer.  Or a protractor.  (FYI: I had to straight up Google “math tool half circle” to remember what that was called.)

Non-hockey career? Architect.

See the full action in the video.

This brings us to a very valid old time hockey topic: Hockey Hair.  Chuck and I have long rejoiced in the glory of hockey hair, most specifically when it comes to Mike Modano.  He never could close his mouth all the way and his wife dated a Backstreet Boy, but his hair is glorious.

Shampoo commercial.

The rule of Hockey Hair is best summed up by Austin Powers: “Feed my fish.  Not too much!” Just enough to show from under your helmet, not enough to add extra cranial padding.  And it’s not necessarily a mullet – in fact, with Intergalactic Mullet Champion Barry Melrose hanging around, it’s best not to even try.  Unless you’re Jaromir Jagr, who once fled Pittsburgh fans at the mall by ducking into a store, buying a dress and coming out costumed as the ugliest woman alive.  Not a joke.  Also Patrick Kane, who would have gotten this as a fraternity bet even if he didn’t play hockey.  That or shave off his eyebrows.

Buzz cut, steps and BANGS. That shizz has BANGS.

A few guys sport the full ‘fro – I can talk because my hair looks like this.  But I’m a girl.  At least I would have have the sense to ponytail that nonsense before putting on a helmet.  Not to mention – aren’t you sweating?  My hair is like a sweater on my head and gets everywhere – I can barely eat without a hair tie.

Guess the hockey players.

There is a place for this – on unattractive guys.  Comedy hair, if you will.  It works or it doesn’t, but we will always remember you.  Then there are some guys who rock it right – and totally rock without it – for whom hockey hair is the crowning glory on their total package of awesome.

Staal (beardfail), Letang (beardwin, FML)... and Forsberg, the king.

Chuck and Dawn – who did I miss?  Anyone whose locks you can’t live without?  Where is the evolution of hockey hair leading?  We could go bald-is-sexy like Getzlaf, or curl & dye like Henrik Lundqvist… if there aren’t any variations left on Mike’s mohawk.

Mike Green, 2011