I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

Did you make it all the way down here?  Does it make any sense the only Western Conference team we ever talk about is the Oilers?

Perhaps we are trying to make our Eastern Conference-selves feel better about topping out at #6 in the League – with a team that just lost a guy who figured in 35% of their offense last season.  (Tears for Stamkos.)  Looks like we’d better start paying more attention to after-hours hockey.

So, what do teams that never lose do when they’re not winning?

Winning Teams – They’re Just Like Us: Colorado Avalanche Edition

At the end of last season the Avalanche were the second worst (16-25-7, 39 points) team in the NHL.  Now things are topsy-turvy in Denver where the Avs, under new head coach Patrick Roy, are the second-best team in hockey.

We love nothing more than a dramatic makeover.

While the Avalanche blossom thanks to strict care and grooming, they continue to be the same dorky, genuine team on the inside.

They photo bomb.

They share shirts.

They get hurt and make me sad. [story]

#lobster

They take pictures of their toilet paper… wait, what?

They have impossibly attractive Swedish friends.  Do these guys even play hockey? Nope, don’t care.  Hockey is no longer a requirement for this blog.

They start shopping at the very top of your Christmas list.

They have choreographed dance sequences-slash-celebrations.

Oh, and they score goals.  Fast, nifty, foxy ones.

There is, of course, the issue of Semyon Varlamov’s arrest on allegations of domestic violence.  He was released and the Avs put him right back to work.  While innocent until proven guilty, this isn’t really a judgement call for the Avs.  Varly is their top goalie and has played 12 of 14 games this season, the final $3 million year of his contract.  No word yet if he will be formally charged with the crime and face a trial. Until then, we are doing our best not to judge (out loud).

Presumably with Varlamov in net, the Avs face two other top teams this week: St. Louis on Thursday and Chicago on Tuesday.  Either would be a great match-up to catch, but aim for the Blues – it starts at 8 PM.  Even I can stay up for that.

We promise to get to other Western Conference teams soon.  If you follow one and want to save me time on the Google, send any great pics, videos and Twitter chirping my way!

Ryan O’Reilly

The basics – Born in 1991. 6′ ft, 200 lbs centerman.  Drafted by the Avalanche 33rd overall in 2009. Career stats – 269 games played, 47 goals, 83 assists.

Now those are all well and good but let’s get down to the real reasons he’s our Foxy Friday.

He kinda has a Zach Parise thing going on.  And everyone knows that is a good thing.

 His name makes him sound like he’s an Irish guy from Southie…

from gingerbeardsandparenteaus.tumblr.com

Or a boy-bander.

Girl.  Let me love you.

Excellent WUYS-approved eyebrows.

 A quintessential hockey smile.

He can serenade you with a song.

Killer dance moves.

Just like us, he enjoys ice cream in moderation.

..and wee little bebbies.

He understands the power of a good workout video. (Seriously. This thing is amazing.  I could do an entire post on it alone.  Brilliance.)

When you’re besties with Gabe Landeskog, one cannot help but become foxy.  It’s osmosis.

Welcome to the Foxy Friday Fraternity, Ryan O’Reilly.

Your face.

We like that ‘ish.

Follow Ryan on the twitter at @Ryan_OReilly90