I  was out Friday night/most of Saturday with no phone.  I apologize to those who texted and Tweeted , only to assume I’d retreated with a gallon of ice cream into a padded room over:

James Neal

UGH. Sad Pants.  In the movies, the jackass, all-skill and no-brains quarterback gets the chance to redeem himself.  I’ve long held out hope James Neal would be that guy.  You all know my love/hate, ‘get your shit together’/’do all that with your hair perfectly styled’ feelings for Neal.  Suffice to say that I thought he was getting there.  I always thought he was getting there, which is why his digressions made me so mad.  Now he’ll get there – I still believe that – with another team.  Should the Pens have waited?  Maybe.  40 goals is a lot to see leave.  But I’m not surprised.  In the end, maybe this trade gave Neal what the Penguins tried to give him for three years: a lesson in growing up, accompanied by a swift kick in the ass.

In return, the Pens got Patric Hornqvist and Nick Spaling.  Hornqvist once scored 30 goals, and nearly every one from right in front of the net [brilliant chart].  Unless I was watching a different Penguins team, this was never Neal’s main job.  He scored from everywhere, did so often, and was a danger any time he stepped onto the ice.  Grumpy Pants is not getting happier here.  Spaling, according to The Tennessean, can “do everything.”  Like have a career-high 13-goal season, one time.  Sure these guys have qualities the Pens want, “grit” being chief among them per new GM Jim Rutherford.   I’ve never watched either of them play.  But this seems to put more onus on Crosby-Kunitz-Dupuis (oh God, welcome back) to carry the Penguins scoring – and when they don’t deliver, burn down the world!  For all the people who said “Kunitz is only Kunitz because of Crosby,” no one ever said “Neal is only Neal because of Malkin.”  Geno can’t turn Hornqvist into a 40-goal guy.  Let’s hope Hornqvist is ready to do that himself.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop watching or talking about James, or hoping he gets this right.  You don’t have to find someone in Nashville.  Maybe those folks will find us.

Michael Del Zotto

The Predators will not re-sign MDZ and today he becomes a UFA.  This is a tragic loss of potential bromance with Neal.  Hair product stock prices dropped.  Nashville girls pouted and cranked up their sad country songs.  Oh wait, that was me.

Danny Briere

To Colorado!  When I see news like this on TV in a bar with no sound while the people around me are talking about pizza, it’s hard to react appropriately.  After a hundred years as a Flyer and one as a Canadien, during which he and the team much maligned each other over playing time and performance, Danny Briere will join the Avalanche’s wild young potential.  Will he play more there?  No.  But I’ll watch them more.  The Habs get PA Parenteau and a 5th round pick in return.

Ryan Kesler

When Kesler ended up on the trading block, he reportedly limited his destination options to the Ducks or Hawks.  Must be a nice world where you can make those kinds of demands.  After a flurry of panic-inducing Patrick Sharp trade rumors, Kes went to the Ducks.  The Canucks got Nick Bonino, Luca Sbisa and a first round pick and a later pick they swapped for Derek Dorsett.  Is that a fair deal to send a guy like Kesler to a division rival?  If you believe the Vancouver optimists, Ryan’s 30th birthday at the end of August basically signals the death of his career anyway.

It’s always a good sign when you Google Image search someone and it suggests you ad “abs” to your results.  If nothing else, Ryan will look good on that So Cal beach.

Sam Gagner

Oh Sam.  The Oilers broke up the band by trading #TeamSam to Tampa Bay for Teddy Purcell, in a deal that Lindsay somehow made happen with her mind.  Five minutes (okay, maybe forty minutes) later, Sam was bounced again to the Phoenix Arizona Coyotes in exchange for BJ Crombeen.  The guy got two Foxy Fridays, then he got traded twice in two hours.  Sorry if that’s our fault, somehow.  One hilarious fan made a Tampa Bay “Thanks Sam” tribute video.  Sam, well, it’s time to admit that I’ll probably never see you again.  Nothing against the Coyotes – it’s not you, it’s me.  And at least it wasn’t #TeamEbs. (Sorrrrrrry.)

More, more, more to come all day.  No one is safe.  I’ll be watching like this:

Waiting for the moment when Matt Niskanen signs somewhere else…

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.
2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.
3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Luckily I’m good at To Do Lists.  They calm my nerves.  Those and the ice cream sundae I just sent Intern Jeff Skinner to make.  So, in order of impending and importance:

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.

Good thing too, because they owe me one for that performance in Chicago.  @raedanda always puts up with me at these games.

2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.

The rumor mill is buzzing.  What’s the real price tag for NYR captain Ryan Callahan? Does Martin Brodeur intend to play forever [link]?  Ryan Kesler may be on the block, but for Alison’s sake, hope the Penguins bid does not include Brandon Sutter [link].  RK17 has allegedly waived his No Trade Clause for select teams, including PIT, NYR and PHI [link].

Dustin Penner just became a Capital, no idea who for, or if there is any end to the National Pancake Day jokes in sight.  I better publish this now before anything else changes.

Word from last week is Martin St. Louis requested a trade – only to the Rangers.

WHATNODON’TDOIT!  If this happens, I will henceforth call him only by his full name.  Goodbye forever, Squishy.

Who else?  The only instrument left in the Islanders orchestra is a sad trombone, with word out they’ll move impending UFAs Thomas Vanek and Andy MacDonald [link].  Other names being shopped include Stastny, Moulson, Hemsky, Chris Stewart… you could go out for lunch tomorrow and come back with a new look to your team.

3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Someone should tell the Capitals this.  They blew the lead three different times on Sunday, eventually lost to the Flyers in OT and, as always, lost the one game a year I can get Mr. Pants to attend.  Thanks, jerks.

It could be worse, I tell myself.  We could be the Hurricanes.  There’s never a good time to lose five in a row, but now is worse.

Remember it’s the wild card format this year, so good luck figuring out who your team will face in the first round.  From the Nov. ’13 NY Post article entitled NHL’s playoff structure is ridiculous by Larry Brooks:

To refresh your memory: 1. The top three teams from each division qualify; 2. The two teams with the next best records within the conference qualify as wild cards; 3. The division winner with the most points plays the wild card with the fewest points in the first round while the other division winner plays the other wild card; 4. The second- and third-place teams within each division meet in the first round; 5. Divisional brackets apply to the second round.

So, in likely the earliest “If the playoffs began …” scenario on record, the East’s first round would be: Pittsburgh (30 points) vs. Montreal (26); Boston (30) vs. Detroit (27); Tampa Bay (29) vs. Toronto (27); Washington (25) vs. Devils (23).

Hence, either the seventh-place Capitals or eighth-place Devils would advance while either the third-place Lightning or fourth-place Maple Leafs would be one-and-done.

A team, therefore, is theoretically better served by being the second- (or third-) place team in a weak division than by finishing with the conference’s best record.

Okay, it’s not that hard to figure out.  The playoff format is just very fluid right up until the end.  Your team could be third in its division, worse than both Wild Card teams and still qualify ahead of them.  It makes sense that two Metropolitan teams would be seeded ahead of Wild Card Toronto despite fewer points, right?

It could be worse, of course.  We could be in the Western Conference.  Right now 68 or 69 points might get you in, but you’d be duking it out for that one last Wild Card spot, rather than for or five spots potentially reachable seeds in the East.

Remember the West has two fewer teams than the East, sparking much debate about it being “easier” to reach the post-season.  I doubt it’s been easier to play a majority of games against these Western teams though.  Still, the realigned Wings and Jackets are in the East’s mix, while Winnipeg hopes to squeak into that last spot out West.  Riding five-game win streaks, the Kings and Wild aim to put every other qualifying spot out of reach.

So, is your team making it or not?  Are they making a big move instead?  We’re getting down to the wire.  It’s time to start pretending stress or hockey – or stress and hockey – can’t hurt you.

Allow me to share my unpopular American opinion: I am pro-Canada when it comes to Olympic men’s hockey.  I don’t care if the NSA turns their cell phone recorders on me, but my heart goes with my favorite players on their biggest stage.  We Americans win a lot in every Olympics.  This one time I am okay with sharing.

That said, I’d like to see the US win silver every time or gold if Canada’s out.  I am excited to see which Americans will represent our country in Russia – it makes me want to watch 80’s action movies (or Miracle).  The Team USA roster was announced yesterday after the longest Winter Classic in the history of long things.  Chuck and I, miles apart and minutes from starvation, implored them to hurry.  Then they trotted out the kids in the jerseys and we were stuck.  Kids, they get us every time!

I can’t find video yet, but one kid almost fell.  You knew that was coming.  Then one kid was a girl and  I wasn’t expecting that.

Here’s the roster (alphabetically, not as line predictions):

Plus the worst-kept secret in hockey this week, the USA goalies:

NHL Network Analysis of the roster with bonus cold-weather fashion “do’s” featuring Kathryn Tappen.

My thoughts:

NOBOBBYRYANBOOOOO.  Cats of Instagram are wailing pitifully in alleys across America tonight.  No more jokes about finishing second, or at all.

Any combination of Parise-Kesler-Kane will henceforth be known as the SAS(S) Line, for Smile-Abs-Smile.

All-Pens defense pairings give me the squees.  And I think they know the coach.

Of course we have to give it up for Shattenkirk on D, pride of Boston University.

Finally, someone please explain Phil Kessel to me.  I am going to start nominating him for makeover reality TV shows – the sure way to get Americans interested in something, it could be a blistering marketing idea for Team USA. We already have  “before” photo:

AMERICA.  For shame!  Why would you release this photo?  For something that looked worse than your jerseys?  You need a publicist.  I will work for tax breaks, Columbus Day off and your continued overlooking of my crush on Canada.

Phil seems like a really nice, shy guy – he overcame cancer for heaven’s sake!  He should be able to overcome these image issues.  In October he bought a suite, brought 24 child cancer patients to the game and SCORED THEM A HAT TRICK.  Take that, walkathons!  I am convinced that hiding behind this terrible haircut and penchant for wearing the same colorless suit to everything is a guy we could Foxy Friday.  There are 34 days until Sochi.  Let me at him and I’ll bring you the next American Express Olympics tear-jerker commercial icon.

from Geno’s Instagram

Well no, our obsession with boys in glasses began long ago.  Maybe it was when Chuck and I got our own glasses, or when we realized that we a) are nerds and b) like nerds.  Glasses may be more cool than Coke bottle these days, but the allure remains.

Smart is sexy.  The appearance of intelligence doesn’t hurt either.  It really helps if you look like you might read a book once in a while, and we’re not talking about the Official Strategy Guide for World of Warcraft.  (Kidding!  Mr. Pants has this.)

Based on the knowledge that girls do make passes at boys who wear glasses, here’s a collection of indisputable, photographic proof.

Foxy Friday: Hockey Players in Glasses

Okay, that’s unfair.

Now is the time to embrace your inner dork and give in.

Don’t kid us with your faux-frames, Kevin!  Kes would never do that.

Glasses can really improve any outlook.

They cannot overcome two earrings though, Buff.

And make terrifying things like Shea Weber’s beard slightly less so.

Glasses are a gateway drug for hipsters…

He’s since had Lasik, sorry.

… and at the same time, their crowning glory.

We haven’t seen these specs since Paul Gaustad left for Nashville…

Or since Chris Kirkpatrick’s turtleneck wardrobe went out of style.

That awkward high school photo of everyone, ever.

They can be used as a disguise…

Cape optional.

But if we see them on TV, we’re going to want to see them on your face.  We’re talking to you, James Neal.

And we’re not above getting your best friend to peer pressure you (or withhold breakfast).

Heck, glasses even work on Flyers…

And ex-boyfriends (who are now Flyers)…

And lobsters.

You don’t have to be a part-time model.  But it doesn’t hurt.

BONUS ROUND! Suggested by @jstefanc:

Happy Friday!

You know the part in National Treasure when they light the little pool of oil and it spreads 10,000 feet of fire and illuminates a gazillion dollars in gold and stuff?  That’s what happened to the internet when this picture was posted.  You’re gonna have to wait a bit for the wallpaper-size version.

More than 20 athletes will do the soap opera strategically-cover-your-business to pose for the annual issue – here’s the list [link].

Kes wanted to get a jump on the competition, so he posed with a fan.  This is like Chuck Norris selling the BowFlex – what a crock.  Some people are just born this way.  Kes spends more time on that hair than these abs and you, normal man in glasses, can only hope to warm your flab in the glow of his superhuman abilities.

Not that Kes does’t pay the price:

Whoever lived in my apartment before us still gets ESPN Magazine, and to that stranger I say thanks.  You could have cleaned behind the fridge before you left but I will accept this subscription instead.

We will get bananas excited over a half-empty pre-season game.  Deprivation and too much sugar will do that.  We’ll be playoff-style freaking out in September.  It’ll be like…

That time Mike wore a suit, while EStaal and Kes wore jeans and t-shirts.  No worries, Mike.  It’s like Vegas in here – you can’t be overdressed.

PS: I miss your hair.

He hits (104 in 66 games this season).  On occasion he fights (3 this year… wait, he fought Patrick Marleau?!).  Mostly he’s just Juice and for every second you hate him, you can’t help but love him too.  He’s a joker and a spaz and totally in love with Ryan Kesler.

Kevin Bieksa is what Sean Avery dreams about.  He’s a pain in the ass instigator type who won’t back down and throws other teams’ top offense off their game.  He’s effective.  He’s intentional.  And he’s smart.  Bieksa was +32 this season.  That’s tied for 2nd overall.

And if the stats, the jokes and the personality don’t convince you, well…

Daniel gave me this new suckie on the first day of training!

Mike Duco formerly of the Florida Panthers got traded to Vancouver. If you were him – you’d think JACK POT – right? Going from a basement dwelling team – well – before they spent a boat load of cash and made some mad trades – to an almost Stanley Cup winning team. Not a bad place to be traded too – right?

Now consider that fact that you may have tweeted some of the following things during the play-offs:

Can't send a 'please ignore' out after that one!

He also posted one that said, “HA … solid night Luongo.”

So it’s your first day at training camp with all your new friends. What’s a boy to do? I bet he didn’t write the book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” But I would guess he needs a copy of that stat because Luongo wasn’t too kind to Kesler after the Olympics but he did forgive him. He kind of had too. Kesler is way too hot not too.

It may not be charm, but it might work!

But Duco? Let’s hope he has charm coming out his ass. He’ll need it. Good luck buddy on your first day. I hear the Sedin’s have a wicked sense of humor.

The show was fairly agonizing, featuring some of the flattest jokes possible.  I generally think Jay Mohr’s pretty funny but the obnoxious thing is a bit much for a whole show.  Why doesn’t Cabbie on the Streets host this thing?

Like a boss.

Worse were the guest stars, most of whom stretch the definition of star to its limit.  A kid from The Wizards of Waverly Place? Awesome that he’s a Kings fan and probably fangirlling inside over Luc Robataille, but presenting?  Of course he was worlds better than the Real Housewives.  I thought I was having a stroke when they were introduced, because surely that cannot have happened.  Then Far East Movement performed.  PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC.  TEACH IT HOW TO PRONOUNCE YOUR WINNERS.  Or let Jon Hamm do them all.

Take us with you!

Okay, end rant.  The players, as usual, were adorkable enough to heal all wounds.  Jeff Skinner’s stuttering acceptance speech made me squee.  St. Louis for the Lady Byng was fantastic – someone get this guy an advert deal with Blackberry!  The constant cuts to Toews looks pissy, Bobby Ryan’s mom all teary, Kesler’s hair… man, I love hockey.

If we were in charge, the NHL Awards should we be better.  Like a bachelor auction or a live action SCORE! The Hockey Musical.  And we’d get picked up by this bus… and miss the whole show.

This isn't where I parked my car!

Now, let’s party.  We don’t know where this bus is going and I promise, we don’t care.  Back in October!

but then I can't post this photo of brad pitt and THAT would be a shame

Does this mean that everyone on the Canucks are really werewolves? I present the following evidence. They may be more Underworld and less Twilight but it doesn’t mean they aren’t anymore effective. Werewovles kick ass. And I love me some Lucian but not Luongo. I’ll still dance under the moonlight with van morrison and I’ll always be an american one in London.

manimal - did anyone know there was actually a show on tv called that?

Ok, so you can tell I've been watching the Underworld marathon on syfy.

this really pained me to make this but he's the only one that matched up. the things I do for you all.

It’s 2-0 kids. Werewolves, I mean Cancucks, which is probably secret code for werewolves shapeshifting into wonder-twins activating into Alexander Burrows making two amaza-balls goals after draining Bergereon of his hockey magic. Beware. They are tricksters.

Tyler Seguin’s all:

While RK17 is like:

And you know those cute animals have crafty ways of winning in the wild.  I’m really looking forward to this one, mostly for Chuck’s sake.  She’s going to be a mess.  I’m going to be cracking up.  Nothing like a good Cup Final to get me through 100+ degree weather.

also a master curler

Since Vancouver won, I’ll fess up to being the chick flashing Ben Eager just for shits and giggles – IN MY DREAMS. I don’t have a body like that. Maybe like, 15 years ago. My twins have gone a little south, let’s say. But that’s between Victoria and me and she’s doesn’t tell!

GIFSoup

But now that I am THIS CLOSE to a full on Tiger-blooded Egg-headed-Sedin-Machine-no-trolls-allowed – goddesses-only-Bieska-lent- Torres-Torres-Torres-Hamhuis-in-the-house-Burrows-it-the-net-Stanley-Cup-Parade-Next Door? HELL YA! I don’t think there is a hockey fan out there that would miss a Stanley Cup parade even if it wasn’t ‘their’ team.

oh man, of better days ... sunny and chance of kris letang

To see ‘the cup’ and the team that won it would be awesome. Mr. Cherrie and I have already planned our escape route and run across the border because people here just don’t understand the importance of what is happening.

no, pants, I did not draw this but it has three things i love - actually make that four!

We are both calling in with Hockey Flu – which I’m saying I caught from making out with Kris Letang! And yes, I am getting way ahead of myself. But a girl can dream. I’m just so close.

the cup, kris letang, ovi, double d, bubbles in 7-up ... the beach, um .. purr fect!

the food chain prevails ... nom nom nom ...

Bieksa the Berserker was the only one who knew where the biscuit was on the ice … with a freaky deaky goal in double OT and down go the Sharks. It’s 17 years to the day that Vancouver claims the Western Conference title in a double OT as well and will face either Boston or Tampa Bay for Lord Stanley’s Cup. I’d call it Freaky Friday but it’s Tuesday so go figure!

foxy friday alum ryan kesler - who was injured snapped this one by anti-nemesis for a biscuit

But riddle me this? I get that Vancouver was excited about this, but good gravy  why would you drop confetti on the ice before the presentation and then have your players out there skating around? Are you TRYING to trip them? Kesler was already injured and Luongo has a hard enough time stopping the puck as it is, he doesn’t need a greater handicap!

this is the only dance move i know, the robot, get it, sedin-the-machine, the robot, oh, if I have to explain it's not a joke.

So since I picked them for the Western Conference winner winner chicken dinner back in September, here’s a little ra-ra for your cha-cha Sedin-machines and Foxy Ryan Kesler and Bieksa-Lenta:

Dave Bolland had 1G + 2A.  Patrick Sharp had 2G, Patrick Kane had 2A.  Jonathan Toews was, and I quote the VS announcers, “marvelous” and “magnificent.”  Don’t let his 1A fool you, JTown was all over this game.  Duncan Keith and I had the exact same reaction when he scored to make it 3-1.  Round ’em up! [video]

Yee-haw!

In keeping with the series, bodies were flying too – except the Hawks finally gave as good as they got.  Bolland had 3 hits on his 4 point night and Troy Brouwer scared the crap out of someone’s grandma.

What a nice young man.

And there’s this photo: Battle of the Foxy Fridays.  On the left, you see me & Chuck (except one of us is not blond).  Chuck is watching the puck, because puck possession is the foxiest of attributes.  Pants might be mesmerized by the derp face.  Either way, it’s like waiting for the asteroid to crash into the Earth in Armageddon –  probably nothing will happen but you never know, and there might be space suits.  PS: Those kids on the right are on MulletWatch, we gave them $10.

Friday night. Just got paid.

I am inspired.  It shouldn’t take the threat of a sweep to light a fire but you definitely cling tightest when you’re falling off that cliff.  I believe in the Blackhawks.  As mentioned, Chuck and I Rock the Red Sox when hockey’s not around.  So we’ve learned not to count teams out when they’re down 3-0 against a bitter rival.

Six Impossible Things

Now the Hawks just have to get up Thursday and do it all over again against the best team in the League. At least they’ll get the chance.

RK17

He scored a hat trick last night to reach the 40 goal mark, which puts him 5th in NHL scoring.  This is *way* up from a career-high 26 prior to this season.  Kes has 72 points on the season, was co-captain of ASG Team Staal and gave Mike Green and Rick Nash a run for it on the Best Hair Award.

The Canucks have 1.5 billion points (okay, 115) and locked up a playoff spot around Christmas.  With Kesler on fire and the Robot Sedin Twins churning out points, I don’t envy whoever has to play Vancouver in the first round (dear God let it be Chicago if only because it means they made the playoffs).

Kes has a clothing line with Firststar sports, including shirts, sweatshirts and underwear with his initials on them.  Considering that Ryan was only 7 when Marky Mark rocked his Calvins (old, we are old!), we’ll forgive the obvious homage.

Ryan is married with two kids and a very full energy-smart fridge.  He’s from Michigan (Team America) and won the Canucks’ “Most Exciting Player” Award this season.  Can he be more exciting?  The Stanley Cup is exciting, and it’s also foxy. Let’s see if the tradition of Foxy Friday honorees playing even better continues…