But two drinks in, the bridesmaids are yelling, “DIBS!” and making shanks out of bobby pins.

The dads, like Alison’s dad there on the left (not really), are warming up their, “Have you met my daughter?” speeches.

While the groomsmen try not to look too drunk…

Even if they have to count reaaalllllyyy sllooowwwlllly…

And the married guys keep interrupting their attempts to flirt,

When they’re not laughing because they know how much an open bar costs.

But no matter how hard they try, there is always one guy who ends up going home alone.

Here are the full photo gallery and PensTV Video. Celina talks so fast that I am out of breath before they even get to Crosby, but this is something you’d (er, I would) probably pay a fortune to attend.  There is far less chance of physical embarrassment dealing cards than carrying plates, and I can’t help thinking Beau Bennett is a lot safer in this low-impact environment.

Twenty bucks says that Ehrhoff, tired of being left out, rigs the Secret Santa so he can buy Letang a selfie stick.

Because he knows we love guys in glasses.

The Dallas Stars also had a casino night this week. Furthering their quest to be Your Favorite Team, here’s video in which Jamie Benn admits his favorite part is “mingling with the female crowd” who sit at his table.

No shame if you just tried to buy a ticket for next year’s event like this:

Because:

So:

Smile, there are girls watching.

Yeah, I’m a sucker.  Check out video of Crosby & friends surprising the Little Penguins hockey camp yesterday.

You can tell Flower has a kid, because he is not afraid to pick them up and spin them around and tackle them. The rest of this is like a Meeting of the Future Hot Dads of Western Pennsylvania:

It’s an omelet!

Sorry, wrong picture.

Then I surprised her with flowers and…

Yeah, that one. As usual, the kids are having fun, but the guys are having even more.

Do they make those socks in long?

Does this make you want to have kids? I showed it to my mom, who gave me “Disappointed Parent Re: Failure to Procreate Face”, then pronounced MAF her favorite Penguin. He has not let her down.

Go forward, tiny human.

The Little Penguins program, which Crosby sponsors, outfits kids with head-to-toe gear and they participate in camps. There are even some girls-only camps, because girls rule.

Video: Crosby at Little Pens practice in 2013

It’s not nice to make fun of people, unless they’re Borts. That’s okay.

Here’s a story on it from USA Today, plus a few shots on Penguins’ Instagram and Snapchat, if you know how to use that. Maybe these kids could teach me after hockey practice.

This game is called “What’s Wrong With Our Power Play!”

No surprise there.

PensTV has a video feature from the event. Everyone is always having so much fun, from the players to the kids. And who wouldn’t? Bowling makes awkward lumps of us all – except apparently Simon Despres, who owns his own bowling gear.

Work hard, play hard.

For most, even professional athletes, bowling is a great equalizer where success comes accidentally but often enough that you feel you might just actually get the hang of this someday. If not, there’s usually a crane game and maybe even karaoke.

Is it easier to bowl with long arms?

Not Geno, though. He’s a pro. He’s Grease lightning. He bowled two strikes in a row. [Video]

I am score.

How’d everyone else do?

I cannot work Snapchat, people.

Coach Johnston (who I think of as “Coach J,” as if he’s my own coach) seems like a kindly high school principal, guiding his charges into adulthood with calm and poise. I have the urge to ask him what to do with my future, so he can explain it in a way that makes me realize I knew all along.

Right, BSutts? Right.

Check out a few more photos at Make A Wish of GPA & WV. I leave you with this:

All that, and snacks too.

Donations to Make-a-Wish (still tax deductible through April 15!) can be made at www.wish.org.

The title of Foxy Friday has occasionally been awarded to a collection of things (plaid suits, glasses) to great as to define the genre.  Today’s honorees take it to a whole new level.

San Jose Sharks “Holiday Sweater”

The Sharks have an amazing history of holiday videos, but they can stop now. There’s no topping this throwback karaoke masterpiece, complete with semi-choreographed white guy dancing and someone holding a block of cheese.

It goes on forever. Literally.  Make sure you stay for the scene after the credits, then check out this much-needed infographic.

How BU does it.

Capitals Holiday Video [that’s a link]

This dork-fest is gloriously unscripted and runs the ultimate test of improv comedy – who will laugh first, us or them?

Almost enough right to fix all this wrong.

A wink of the eye to how intentionally awful the whole thing is – the Caps tried to enter the NHL ugly sweater contest. What’s the prize? Is it Caps tickets?

Ecard versions – send ’em to your mom.

Penguins Holiday Video [also a link]

If I were going to re-enact a Christmas movie, it wouldn’t be Christmas Vacation (duh, Love Actually), and if I were going to have the Penguins remake a movie, it wouldn’t a Christmas movie (Newsies, anyone? Oh yes.).  But as commitment to awkwardness goes, this Penguins’ holiday video is a Best Picture nominee.

Beau should’ve worn the hat.

My movie would of course feature Beau and Borts in matching costumes.  I might even cover Crosby up to dampen his attractiveness – and fail, badly.

Is this a cowlneck shirt? Could this be worse?

There’s nothing in this, however, as good as the “Sieze the Day” sing-along going on in my mind.

Chicago Blackhawks All-Star Campaign Videos

Just as you’re having the happiest of holiday video viewing sessions, the Blackhawks show up to ruin it by, well… being the Blackhawks.  We should be used to it by now.  They’re not even promoting Christmas because nothing under your tree could be this good.

Ice Bucket challenge Spanx = no tanlines!

What the hell is happening here and how do I make it rule the Earth? Is that what we’re voting for? I’m pretty sure Chuck and I came up with this idea while a) drunk and b) watching that Crystal Light aerobics championship video set to Taylor Swift for the 900th time.  The Blackhawks must be reading our GChats.

You guys saw that, right? I didn’t hallucinate?

Toews is the original Canadian dream, which sounds like the tagline for an ice cream treat made with maple syrup, and it’s finally proven, scientifically, that he is fun now.  We have created a monster.

Players gonna…

It would appear there will be (already are?) videos promoting Bickell, Sharp, Keith, Kane and jazzercize.  The wait might actually kill me.

I’m getting this on a shirt.

And this on the back.

Good luck, next Friday, on coming anywhere close to this.

Foxy Friday: Robert Bortuzzo

Photo by our favorite, Carmen Mandato!

You may recall that when Lindsay, Alison, Emma and I went to Pittsburgh in March, Borts was the mayor.  We saw him at dinner the first night.  Two days and two games later, not only did Borts show up at dinner again, he brought Crosby with him.  And made sure we saw Brandon Sutter.  And almost made Alison drop her drink.  Okay, that was me.  If he’d shaken our hands and asked for a campaign donation, I would have given him my whole purse.  We learned that Pittsburgh is a wonderful place and there are Penguins in every restaurant.  

Vote Bortuzzo.

Is this heaven? No, it’s Thunder Bay.

Tall, dark and handsomely bearded, Robert Bortuzzo has quite the foxy competition on a team full of dorks in boyfriend shirts.  Yet I’d say he has cornered both markets.

That pullover counts every time.

Borts – who I really want to call “Rob” but it’ll never stick – and Beau Bennett spend all their free time visiting patients in hospitals. There are so many pictures they really must go every day.  What a pair.

Another of the many stories here.

Other areas where Robert Bortuzzo excels include charming children and babies [video]:

Best babysitter ever

Holiday cross-dressing:

Thigh-highs on 6’4″ Borts would be overalls on me.

Shirtless interviews (to highlight beard evolution, of course):

Videos from 10/20, 10/31 and 11/3 (is broken)

Prom:

Just have him home by curfew.

Wearing a Red Sox hat:

We’re WUYS and we support this message.

Did I mention the hair/beard combo?

Curls for the girls

And the Red Sox hat?  He also loves waffles and The Sandlot.

 I mean, come on.

Despite all those talents, Rob is really best – and we mean best – at reaction faces. There’s no feeling you can’t express in a Bortuzzo internet jpeg.  Try it.

When your boss is explaining something completely wrong:

I am surrounded by idiots.

When this isn’t where you parked your car:

But I went in through Nordstrom…

When that just really happened holycrapyouguys!

I hope someone Snapchatted that.

When you get the last deluxe copy of the new Taylor Swift at Target:

No bonus tracks for you suckers!

When you think you’re not the prettiest person in the room (but you really are):

Keeping up with the Kardashians

When Hockey Twitter is talking shit:

I thought I unfollowed Rossi!

When the 2014-15 schedule says you don’t come to DC until late January:

My expression right now.

Borts is recently back from injury and we’ve been holding on this Foxy Friday for his return. He had a fight last night vs. Blake Wheeler, involving a lot of very long arms and a possible misunderstanding of velocity physics:

In his 77 NHL-game career, Bortuzzo has 2 goals, 13 assists and 108 penalty minutes. That’s one goal for every time we saw him in Pittsburgh.  Want more offense from your defense, Penguins?  The solution is obvious and we’ll work for tickets.

Waiting to see his name on the scoreboard.

If we may make a suggestion based on past levels of costume commitment, Rob looks a little like Sacha Baron Cohen (especially here).  It’s never too early to plan next Halloween.

We apologize in advance if this happens.

Our reaction shot is ready to go:

:: speechless ::

Follow Borts on Twitter @rbontuzzo21. Happy Friday!

Geno’s pal Max Ivanov, Kris Letang, some guy I don’t know and Evgeni Malkin.

Letang is always going for it on Halloween, though we must point out the Mad Hatter is not a prince.  Disney, yes (so close!), but next year, let there be an Aladdin costume with his name on it.  Geno went to the School of Vampire Standing, and I bet his English sounds the same with those teeth in.

Sid is dressed as Rocky, apparently.  I haven’t seen that movie in 15 years, but he’s said before it’s his favorite film.  Imagine if his favorite movie were, say:

TROY

That gladiator costume a few years back was not even close.

TOP GUN

Still waiting for a photo of Sid & BSutts as Maverick & Goose from last year.

FIREFLY?!

Best Halloween nerdjoke of all time.

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  Here is your reference for Sid’s costume, and I’ll go on assuming that it’s some kind of challenge issued to the Flyers.

Which way to the stairs?

All in all, Rocky has nothing on the real costume winners of the evening:

Paul Martin, Beau Bennett, Geno, Robert Bortuzzo and Nick Spaling.

So many thoughts fighting to be my first thought! Borts shaved his beard nooooooooooooo! but it’ll be back by lunch tomorrow.  Should guys like Borts & Beau, so oft-injured, really be wearing platform shoes?  How is this not in their player contracts?  I have no idea what Nick Spaling’s face looks like, but we’ll know him now by a sliver of side-thigh.  Tough luck if you’re in Pittsburgh and needed white face paint for your costume – it’s sold out.  Also, how does anyone go to the bathroom?

Please say they watched Role Models over and over to prepare:

Mentor this.

Thanks to @Jrho for pointing us toward Max Ivanov’s Instagram for more photos.  Can we please give Chris Kunitz a 100-year contract so we have 99 more Halloweens to look forward to?  Last year, sock monkey.  This year when he scores a hat trick, everyone throw scotch on the ice.

Boy, that escalated quickly.

The Blackhawks always have the best couples costumes – see last year for reference.  This year they continued to raise the bar.

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Bryan Bickell’s rabbit isn’t quite white, but we get what he means.  (No, I didn’t get it at all, but Vanessa did!  He’s the March Hare and I need a refresh on some of these films.)

Photo from 25Stanley.com

Andrew Shaw and his girlfriend must know that I am going as Peter Pan this year, they wanted to make me feel cool.  If only my photos could have an incredible, awkward, derp-perfect photobomb by RoboToews.

I. Am. Fun. Now. Binary Solo!

I wish for one day the Hawks website would make that Toews’ roster photo.

Shiny pants, Jon.

Send us more Halloween photos when you see them, including yours if they are hockey-themed!  We’ll be here working on the candy corn.

The Ice Bucket Challenge began in July in support of ALS research.  Read more about it here and hire Frates & Quinn for more marketing campaigns.  The movement has raised over $4 million, up nearly +$3 million over this period last year.  Everyone is doing it:  Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer, even Chuck did it!  Now we joke around, but this is a great cause, funding important research.  If you’re able to donate, please visit www.alsa.org.

And if you’re going to start a trend, please let it involve most of the NHL in what amounts to a wet t-shirt contest.  (So you know – this took forever to compile.  I watched hours of videos.  It was grueling but I’m willing to work hard for you guys.)

Me: “No.  No way.  No way!”

Crosby Ice Bucket Challenge video. I first saw an Ice Bucket Challenge video on 8/7, when 87 accepted the dare on his birthday.  I wondered for a moment it was real, or if I’d woken up in a fanfic – A Connecticut Yankee in Sidney Crosby’s Driveway, maybe.

Now who needs a cold shower?

Since then, everywhere you look an NHL player is taking the plunge.  So here you have them, the very Best of the Ice Bucket Challenge videos.

The “This Looks Familiar”

Matt Duchene Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Does Sid’s video have two blue buckets, a shovel and a black SUV in the background?  Eagle-eyed Alison noticed this is the same spot.  Just two dudes, pouring water on themselves and videotaping it for the internet.

Matt could have at least brushed his hair for Sid’s party.

Matt woke up 4 minutes ago.

Bonus points to Matt for nominating country singer Thomas Rhett, one of my favorites (who was also nominated by Justin Moore – the singer, not my husband).

The Intern Project

We said Tavares should wear a tighter shirt – so we know Intern Jeff Skinner still reads this blog.  This t-shirt is left over from Jeff’s high school days, since we haven’t paid him for a day of work since then.  And white?!  What a flirt.  Remember when he didn’t want girls paying attention?

Team Tank Top

Lindsay informs me that ‘dude tank tops’ are very much the style in Canada.  I assume everyone there looks like an NHL player and so this has my full support.

Steven Stamkos Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Careful using your dog to up the ante here, Stammer.  You’re no slouch but he’s pretty freaking cute.

Let me tuck my chain into my tank top first.

Taylor Hall Ice Bucket Challenge video.  #TeamHallsy starts his video off so seriously, you’d think he spent the summer doing Shakespeare in the Park.  It’s deceptively tall-seeming thespian work.

The world is mine oyster,
Which I, with stick, shall open.

Jordan Eberle Ice Bucket Challenge video. Uncceptable resolution for #TeamEbs.  He’s got to keep up with Taylor!  Zach Boychuck, get a new phone right this instant.  Adorable hair-fixing though, since Jordan knows we are watching.

Especially after this is Zack Boychuck’s video.  How is that fair?  His biceps are theatrically lit by the sun itself, giver of all life!

Also sporting the Official Boy Band Uniform is, of course, #TeamSchultzy.  Did they have a conference call about what to wear?  Or does matchy-matchiness come as naturally to them?

The “Dallas Stars Really Want to Be Your Favorite Team” 

Tyler Seguin never met a shirt he couldn’t take off.  Or something he couldn’t hit on.  I swear he just invited a charitable cause and a bucket of water back to his place, and don’t stop rolling that tape.

Jamie Benn’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Jamie would like to take this opportunity to remind you his hair is DEVASTATING and that he’s skinny now.  (Too skinny?  A little?)  Never mind that tattoo of a graveyard on his bicep – they needed a place to bury me anyway.

Benn-d and Snap

In case you don’t love Jamie, he Tweeted the “Girl in a Country Song” video.  This is everything that’s right with the world.

Also from the Stars, Rich Peverly apparently runs a daycare in the summer – and stuns them momentarily quiet with this challenge.  They are pretty sure their moms have said not to throw stuff.

The Other Birthday Boy

It’s a shame I’ll never see #TeamSam again, because I cannot add any more teams to my list nor can I stay up late enough to watch the Coyotes.  Sam Gagner did the Ice Bucket Challenge on his birthday, complete with a cake, a beard AND a white shirt. Presents for everyone.

The NSFMyLife

John Tavares Ice Bucket Challenge video.  There’s b-roll of John then his shirt off and jumping in the pool right?  That’ll be the deleted scene on the DVD?

Is this going to be on the test?

What I really can’t handle is his deep, teacher-y voice.  If he started talking about the Large Hadron Collider, I’d faint.

That Time Gabe Wore a Shirt

Gabriel Landeskog’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Perhaps the quaint, old-world and presumably Swedish setting calls for a top, but frankly we’re a bit disappointed in Gabe’s efforts to carry the shirtless-boat-selfie banner this summer. He gets named captain and suddenly it’s all business and no instructional pancake videos.

The US judges give this a 6.

He’s 21,  You Guys – I Swear

And that was not me at the end with the extra bucket of water.  Promise.

Guys Chuck Likes

The Bruins should hire Chuck to shoot their videos, because their Ice Bucket Challenges are astonishingly low-res.  Remember why you don’t watch hockey in standard def anymore?  Even dearest Patrice couldn’t get good production values:

Lucic is in focus – if that’s a good thing.  He looks like the unpopular kid at Camp Anawanna.  Stand up straight, man!

Kim Bauer Did It

Oh yeah, and her husband too.  The Phaneufs Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Alison loves these guys.  I just feel bad that 24 made Elisha get scared by a mountain lion and abducted by a loner in a bunker in the woods around LA.  Jack Bauer would disown that mess.

I think we’d all be friend with Elisha in real life.

The “Of Course Patrick Kane Has a Water Slide”

He probably has a slide from every single window of the house into that pool.  (This was a life plan action item for me and Gator.  Awaiting our invitations, Kaner.)  Toews is so much fun these days, where’s his bucket?

Coach Q is My Favorite Coach

Many coaches, front office staff and even mascots have gotten in on the Challenge, but Coach Q’s laugh is the best.

My Goalie is a Banana

What can I say?  I trust this man with my GAA.  They even gave the baby a bucket, in case she wanted to party.  Marc Andre Fleury Ice Bucket Challenge video

Just wait till you start dating, Baby Flower.  Dad is ready.

Which is Better than Mr. Potato Head

Oh Jordan, we miss you around the Penguins.

The Hot Dads

“Hey, if I’m doing this, we’re all doing it.  Then we’re going for ice cream.”

Chris Kunitz Ice Bucket Challenge video.  From the man who dressed as a sock monkey, of course.  Mrs. Kunitz challenged Paul Martin – thanks, girl.  (Paul Martin Ice Bucket Challenge video)

Little Miss Kunitz says she’ll just donate cash.

Pascal Dupuis Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Dear Universe, Please make the Dupuis Family into a TV show.  They’ve already created the poster:

No idea Duper had a half-sleeve, or that I’d like it so much.

Craig Adams Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Craig used a garbage can for his ice bucket and the family wore matching gubernatorial campaign shirts.  Just saying, that’s a Harvard man.  (The shirts are in honor of Anne’s father, former MA Governor Paul Cellucci, who died of ALS in 2013.  Thanks to Chuck and Anne for update.)

Vote early, vote often.

The Overachievers

Keith Yandle (who actually has a face under that beard) went pretty big – three buckets vs. white t-shirt.  His best move was calling out BizNasty, of course.  Talk about bigger.

You know Biz loves it when we say “bigger.”  He challenged some big names too, though we bet no one does it in their skivvies.  Read about Biz getting his friends to donate their time and money to put this together here.  And notice that TMZ covered a hockey player.

The Suits

Max Talbot Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Max is responsible now.  He has a wife and a baby and if he wants to pour ice water over his head in a suit and tie he will, damn it!  He’s like Frank the Tank, you can’t reign him in.

Business in the front, party in the shoes.

Robert Bortuzzo Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Borts, what is that tie?!  Is the inflatable duck to distract from the tie?  It’s not working.  Also the shades on the duck + the white button down – this is going Risky Business later, isn’t it?  We’re going to need the extended edition Blu-ray combo pack.

This yard wants to party, Project X-style.

Almost everyone’s done the Ice Bucket Challenge.  I couldn’t include or even get close to watching them all.  Notable exceptions are Gingeroux, newly married Mike Green (yeah right, on that hair?) and James Neal.  I worry this means Nealmobile really had no friends, because no one has challenged him.  Though he is on this pretty definitive list of players who’ve supposedly participated (here).  Did I miss his video somewhere?

While we wait, check out the Tumblr dedicated to the Ice Bucket Challenge.

The Penguins’ annual Skates & Plates event was held last night, where the players wait tables, raise funds for charity and try not to spill food on people.  (I’d take care of that myself in this company.)

On the Pens team, you can have one of two haircuts.  The Flow, which Orpik and Vitale are growing into behind the fearless, forever lead of Letang:

Or the Practical Dad, worn best while standing together in family portraits.

BSutts parts to the left, like he’s cooler.

Hahahano.

Here’s proof on an actual dad:

(see also: Tanner Glass)

And on a future hot dad:

Dammit, Sid.  I’m not complaining, but we were really into this Clark Kent thing you had going there for a minute:

Was it too much work?  Bangs under a helmet not that comfortable?  I know, look at Letang all the time and get itchy for a hair tie.

Glaringly Panic-Inducingly Potentially-Catastrophically Noticeably missing from this event was James Neal’s hair, and the rest of him.

Immediate reaction, in order, from Lindsay, me and Alison:

I’m Hodgins. What? He’s rich, okay?

Nealmobile skipped yesterday’s practice on a “maintenance day.”  So did Kunitz, but that Monchichi was delivering dessert at Skates & Plates.  Even Duper was there.  Bylsma said the status of Neal & Kunitz would be re-evaluated today, prior to the Pens home & home vs. Philly this weekend.

A note to James Neal: Lindsay, Alison and I will be at the game in Pittsburgh in 8 days, 2 hours and 46 minutes.  So you have that long to:

• get healthy
• grow out your beard

You got all that?

There is video and a full story, complete with Crosby making the day of some little girl and Borts’s strategy  for the most tips (Dear Alison, send money).  There’s also a rather abbreviated photo gallery.  Start saving for next year.