I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

Last night, Tyler Seguin and Rich Peverley both scored in the shootout to lift the Stars over the Bruins.  Perhaps it is a little poetic justice for those two guys who had to endure the embarrassing and juvenile booing and chants each time they touched the puck.

Booing?  Really?  Why is that even necessary? I loveloveLOVE the Bruins but sometimes their fans are just exceptionally ridculous.

In case you’ve forgotten, Seguin and Peverely didn’t ASK to be traded from Boston.  Their departure from Boston was a product of salary caps and business strategies.

Now, I don’t pretend that Seguin is some perfect, sacrosanct hockey player.  He made personal and professional mistakes that didn’t help his cause and contributed to the ease of his departure, but Peverely – Really, people?  What did Rich Peverley ever do to deserve your ire?

For all those people who vilified them last night, how quickly you have forgotten these two were are part of the team that brought the Stanley Cup to Boston for the first time in almost 40 years.  How quickly you have forgotten that #19 sweater that you so eagerly purchased proudly declaring your status as a Seguinista.

Well last night’s shootout was just for you then.  You know that all your booing and chanting and general turpitude just made Seguin and Peverely even more determined to shut you up.  And they did.  So good on ya. WTG.

Now they hate us and never want to come back here and it is all your fault.

Side Note: World Series champ Mike Napoli was at the game.  His beard, people.  It is glorious. I’m in love with him it him.

Yesterday, the Bruins decided to have their own pyrotechnic display when they traded former 1st round draft pick Tyler Seguin, Rich Peverley, and prospect Ryan Button to the Dallas Stars for Loui Eriksson and three prospects – Joe Morrow, Reilly Smith, and Matt Fraser.

Yea, girl.  That’s exactly what I said.

At first, I was confused and perplexed.  Did the Bruins really just give up their #2 draft pick and ship him off to the Lone Star State?

During the recent NHL Draft, I had a feeling that something might be brewing.  After Bruins’ GM Peter Chiarelli called him out,  you could tell that the organization wasn’t feeling Seguin and his utterly disappointing post-season performance.

Chiarelli called into question Seguin’s professionalism and work ethic – but what he was essentially saying is Tyler Seguin needed to stop being Tyler Seguin and start being more like Patrice Bergeron.

But no way did I actually think that the Bruins would trade away one of their most popular players so quickly.  I thought for sure that they give him a year to get his ish together, grow up a bit, and then go from there.

okay…so maybe I take that back…

After the initial shock wore off and the eyebrow crinkling ceased, I took to the interwebs to obtain the knowledge I needed to fully understand why something like this might happen.

What I’ve concluded is simple – it’s all about the benjamins.

Seguin is set to begin a six-year, $34.5 million contract next season.   Peverley is in the midst of a contract that carries an average annual value of $3.25 million through the end of the 2014-15 season.   Eriksson’s contract runs through end of 2015-16 season and has an average annual value of $4.25 million.

You know that WUYS don’t do no math but basically what I’ve been able to deduce using my fingers, toes, and abacus, is that the Bruins will save around $4 million in cap space.  With the salary cap decreasing next season, the Bruins needed to reduce salary to re-sign Tuukka and Bergeron, which let’s face it are a more integral part of the team’s success than Seguin.  Bruins also are in need of a winger with the departure of Horton and Jagr.  With this trade, they now have about $9 million to work with.

Even with addition of the 27 year-old Eriksson, the Bruins are still way light at wing.  I’d bet good money  they use some of that $9 mil surplus to sign a winger off of the free agent market.  Just a few names up for grabs – Ignila, Clarkson, Ryder, Clowe, Cleary.  It will just be a matter of finding the best fit, both financially and organizationally.  To play on this team, you have to be a certain kind of player.

Now while I understand why something like this happened, it doesn’t mean that particularly thrilled about it.  I feel like it is the Joe Thornton Conundrum all over again.

I like Seguin and I think he’s enormously talented, if a bit undisciplined.  Maturity takes time to develop.  Not all players are Bergeron and Landeskog who come into the league already acting like they’re 30.  I kind of have this feeling that Bruins are abandoning Seguin at a time when all he really might need is a swift kick in the ass and a dressing down by Cam Neely. Then maybe he’s wake up and pull it together.

On the other hand, maybe they have given Seguin that dressing down. Maybe they have given him that chance and still nothing changed.  As fans, we may never know the truth.

So for now, I wish Seguin the best of luck in Dallas and look forward to the first instagram photo of him wearing a cowboy hat.

I’m pretty sure this is also how the NHL is deciding suspensions.

James Neal – 1 game for charging [Shanahan video]

The chicken really likes James Neal, because he gets away with the Couturier hit like a bank robber with a sack of money.  He leaves his feet to run two guys in one shift and manages to earn two disciplinary hearings for only 42 seconds of play!  Someone please tell me if that’s a land speed record.  You know I love the Pens & Neal (still so pissed), but even I can’t believe this. No I don’t want a huge suspension handed out to my guy – but I don’t know other players running my guys with zero fear of consequence.  This works both ways and next time, it’s coming instead of going.

To me this shows the NHL believes the Pens/Flyers series is over tonight, so the chicken did her business on the 1 because there’s only one game left in Neal’s season.  God, I hope they’re  wrong.

Be honest if you can see the sense in this: Carl Hagelin got 3 games [video] for elbowing Daniel Alfredsson and Andrew Shaw got 3 games [video] for hitting Mike Smith.  If those are 3-gamers, why is Neal’s only one?  Alfredsson was injured, Smith was not.  Neal could much more easily have avoided Giroux than either of the other hits.  And neither Hagelin or Shaw threw another questionable check less than a minute before.

Aaron Asham – 4 games for cross-checking [Shanahan video]

The chicken was angry – fine with me. This is a terrible move in a terrible game that could repeat itself tonight.  For all the bitching about Schenn cross-checking Crosby from behind a few weeks ago, this is obviously a hundred times worse and deserves a sit-down.

Nicklas Backstrom – 1 game for cross-checking  [Shanahan video]

A stick to the face for a Backstrom-less game 4?  Deal of the century!  Thanks a lot, chicken!

This play is no dirtier than a million uncalled penalties in this series.  But it is, as Shanahan calls it, “excessive and reckless” – because he can’t say “stupid and pointless.”  Nicky’s not going to fight Peverly anymore than I’m going to be proclaimed Queen of Canada.  He has been run constantly in this series – because he’s the Caps best player.  And he gave it away for nothing.   The Caps got through 40 games without Backstrom this year, here’s hoping they have one more in them.

Raffi Torres – Awaiting the Chicken

You need 5 in a row to win bingo.  Just when the NHL had suspended 7 players in the first round (only 6 suspensions in all of last year’s playoffs), Phoenix’s Raffi Torres does this.  Marian Hossa was stretchered off the ice and taken by ambulance to a local hospital, from which he was released last night [link].  He got into a waiting car under his own power.  Torres has been suspended twice and fined once in the last 13 months [link].

What do you think the chicken will have to say about this one?  If suspensions are being doled out based on some other system (say, player popularity?), where on the bingo board does this load land?

PS: You should all read The New York Times’ Slap Shot blog for this scathing piece on the state of player safety.  Writer Lynn Zinser says: “If you can follow the logic through those four [Asham, Neal, Shaw, Backstrom] — particularly how the Penguins’ James Neal earned only a one-game suspension for head-hunting two players on a single shift — you belong at M.I.T. Or Shanahan’s next dinner party.”

One win.  One measly little win.

It is so close, we can taste it.

Tastes like peanut butter and happiness.

Yesterday’s 3-1 win over the Lightning was not pretty by any means, but it is a “W” nonetheless.

Bruins’ d-men looks shaky and slow.  Communication between Timmay and ZC33, AF21, DS44, TK12 and the rest of the guys was off and we don’t like it one bit.  But they did stick Big Z in front of the net to screen out Smith.  Well played, Claude.  It’s like trying to see around a California redwood.

Bruins let TB score early in the first (again!).  Guys, we can’t let this happen anymore.  WUYS forbids it.  It is soul-crushing and we can’t take the stress about the B’s having to come from behind a minute into the game.

We’re totally cool with goalies playing the puck…when it is safe and necessary to do so.  Too many times this series Timmay has gone back to play the biscuit and crashed into a defensemen or misplayed the puck leading to a turnover.  Do us a favor, Timmy.  Just stay in your home.  Don’t venture out.  Become agoraphobic.  Those blue lines are to become your personal little bubble.

Bruins got scoring from Horton, Motorscooter Marchand, and Rich Peverley, who I’m sure goes home everything and prays to baby Jesus in the tuxedo t-shirt that he got out of Atlanta when he did.  While his former teammates back up their u-hauls and deal with the drama of the Thrashers relocation to Winnipeg, RP49 is one win away from getting the chance to play for Lord Stanley’s Cup.

The game was hard-fought and one could argue that the Lightning outplayed the Bruins, but some how the Killer B’s pulled it out.

Like the proverbial rabbit out of hat.

Game 6 is tomorrow night in Tampa Bay.  *fingerscrossed*  no magical tricks required.

They FINALLY did the deal to bring puck-moving Maple Leafs defenseman Tomas Kaberle to Boston in exchange for Bruins prospect forward Joe Colborne and a 1st round draft pick in 2011.  The deal also stipulates that should the Bs make it to the Stanley Cup Finals this year or re-sign Kaberle at the end of this season, they must also hand over a 2nd round draft pick in 2012.

He's so excited!

Kaberle is in his 12th NHL season and has 3 goals, 35 assists, and 16 penalty minutes.  He’s decently sized (6’1″, 214lbs) but he is exactly what the Bruins have been lacking on their power play since Dennis Wideman left.  Kaberle can move the puck and work the point.  Since the trade rumors started maybe a a week or couple of weeks ago, I’m been praying to sweet little baby Jesus in his tuxedo t-shirt that the Bs would make this move.  Kaberle will be with the team tonight (Friday) in Ottawa and will wear #12.  (His #15 was not available as it was Milt Schmidt’s number which is retired and hanging in the Garden rafters.)

In his presser this afternoon, Chiarelli did mention that it was very hard for them to let go of top prospect Colborne.  Although he has yet to make his NHL debut, Colborne was a player that the team was very high on.  He’s a beast – 6’5″, 213 lbs – and was their first round pick in 2008.  Chiarelli mentioned that he and other front office personnel called Colborne personally to tell him.

Bruins also picked speedy centerman Rich Peverley and defenseman Boris Valabik from the Atlanta Thrashers in exchange for defenseman Mark Stuart and forward Blake “Wheels” Wheeler.  Peverley gives the Bs added speed and crazy faceoff winning skills (55.5% of faceoffs won).  He has 14 goals and 20 assists this season and will join the team on the 20th.  Valabik will go down to Providence to join the Bruins’ minor league affiliate.

While I am a little bummed that “Wheels” is gone (because I liked him as a player), I’m very happy and optimistic that the Bruins have made some positive changes to their line up.  With the addition of Chris Kelly from Ottawa earlier this week, the Bs look to have put together a strong team with which to make their playoff run.  Add into the mix 4 solid lines that can score and the best goaltending duo in the league and this girl is one happy bear!