Welcome to our annual playoff predictions, where Chuck selects teams based on actual hockey things and Pants make wishes on shiny pennies. (note from Pants: Amazingly, we have about the same track record. Maybe I learn things through texting with her.)

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Senators

Chuck: Senators. I know their late season surge is partially responsible for the Bruins not making the playoffs, but come on, people.  There is no way in seven hells that I’m rooting for the Canadiens to win.  Plus the Sens have momentum on their side – they won their last three games vs the Habs and they are riding the hot glove of the Hamburgler.

Pants: WHO CARES? No, really. I think the Habs will win because Carey Price. And I hope they will win because they are predictable when faced by a next-round opponent who could by one of my teams. The Sens have lived up to their “pesky” reputation time and again, and I don’t have the stomach for their upswings now.

Lightning vs. Red Wings

Chuck: Lightning. A deep forward corps and young guns like Palat & Kucherov give the Bolts eletricity in the scoring department.  Foxy Friday Brian Boyle is holding down the 4th line, scored 15 goals, and has even played shifts of defense. We love guys that can multitask. But the thought of losing the Zetterbeard so early in the playoffs….

Not okay.

Pants: Uh, Lighting. Apologies to @lm1485‘s grandmother and the stuffed duck on her porch who wears a Red Wings jersey, but the Wings are on the downward slope away from the top of the League.  We know what it’s like to look around and suddenly, everyone else is 25.

Rangers vs. Penguins

Chuck: Rangers.  NYR went b***s to the wall at the trade deadline and made some very strategic moves to complete their roster.  Rick Nash has been his best against the Pens this season with 7 points over 4 games (3 of which the Rangers won).  Add in the the 1-2 goaltending punch of Lundqvist and Talbot, and the Rangers are a force that should put other East teams on notice.

Pants: PENGUINS. If I learned anything from Grease, it was: what skipping a period meant it was: if I can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Short of lacing up some skates and toe picking my way out there to hold a &$%#ing lead myself (I considered this), the only solution is to focus my energy into a laser beam of love and intention – hopefully one that can move the puck away from the Pens’ net. Maybe instead of watching Grease, I should have kept watching Star Wars. Also, if I haven’t mentioned it in five minutes, I hate the Rangers.

Capitals vs. Islanders

Chuck:  Push.  These teams have not met in the playoffs since 1993 so you know that this is going to be some hype. Islanders are moving out of Nassau Coliseum at the end of this season so that might make give this series and playoffs some extra gravitas, but I think that these teams are pretty evenly matched. High-powered captains? Check. Goaltending? Check. Puck possession teams? Check.  This one is gonna be gooood. #BuckleUp

Pants: Capitals yaaaaaaaaas. But why does this have to be? Why can’t I just want John Tavares and his pleated khaki, double-strapped backpack, tucked-in shirt and first day of school haircut to win in the playoffs? Still, I don’t. As I wrote about in my guide to liking more than one team, you need to prioritize and stick to your guns. Even when the other gun looks like this:

Screencap of My Life by @ambitiouspants

Capitals, don’t make me regret this.

Who are your 1st round picks? Comment below!

EAST

Bruins vs. Red Wings

Pants: Bruins, because there is no way I get off this easily in life.  They’re packed and they’re stacked, especially in the back (Shoop!).  Tuukka Rask, brick wall with a 2.04 GAA.

Chuck:  Bruins, duh. I mean, I love me some Zetterbeard and the Red Wings did take 3 of 4 from the Black and Gold in the regular season.  But this is the playoffs.  And the Bruins always crank it up to 11 in the playoffs. (Can I get some fries with that shake shake booty?)

Penguins vs. Blue Jackets

Pants: Penguins, because I NEED THIS, OKAY?  Also they’ve beaten Columbus five times this season, Letang is getting up to form and Malkin could be back in the lineup tonight.  Fleury is near the top in every category and I’m banking on confidence.

Chuck: I love a good underdog story, and this series could be it.  I know this is FAAAAR from popular option with our readership but just lemme finish. The Blue Jackets are a difficult team to play against.  One coach told Kevin Weekes who told me that Columbus was a “nightmare every time you play them.”  They have some underrated guys and they’re physical.  Last year, Pens went up against the Bruins, arguable one of the most physical NHL teams, and they got swept.  But it is Pittsburgh, so I could be wrong.

I can’t stop laughing at this gif.

I can’t stop laughing at this picture.

Lightning vs. Canadiens

Pants: Canadiens, because the Bolts lost the one-two punch they needed to win this series when St. Louis bailed.  A shame, since Alexis says Tampa’s beard potential is astronomical.

Chuck: Lightning. Because I cannot. I will not.  It will be a cold day in hell before I cheer for the Canadiens.

Flyers vs. Rangers

Pants: Evil, because that is the only choice.  I’ll say Rangers here but it won’t be easy. The Flyers score slightly fewer G/G (by .22) but Lundqvist’s GAA is marginally better (by 0.14) than Mason’s – who is hurt, thanks Kaitlin, and out for at least Game 1.  That doesn’t help Philly.  Whoever wins plays the winner of PIT/CBJ and I don’t see the Flyers leaving anything but a streak of blood to get there.  Rangers in a long, brutal series.

Chuck: Rangers…I guess.  Both teams have fought and scrapped to make the playoffs, especially the Flyers, who have seemed to recover from their disatrous start.  Rangers’ goaltending and defense are better but this match-up has some serious Hunger Games potential.

WEST

Avalanche vs. Wild

Pants: Avs, because Patrick Roy says so.  He’s turned the worst team in last year’s West into the 2nd best team in this year’s West.  Varlamov has seen more shots than any goalie and won more games.  By comparison, the Avs’ offense ranks 20th in shots per game – but they are accurate, with 2.99 G/G (5th overall).  High-quality offense, high-quality goaltender.

Chuck: Avalanche, because why not them?  They are young, exceptionally talented, and have a top notch goalie in Varlamov. Nathan McKinnon is a shoe-in for the Calder and the rest of the forward crew ain’t to shabby.  While the wheels were coming off the Blues’ bus, the Avs leapfrogged over them to take the Central. Remember last year’s Red Sox team?  They went from worst to first and won the World Series.  Just saying….

Ducks vs. Stars

Pants: Ducks, because they score more than any other team.  They’re #1 at 3.21/game.  The dark horse is that Dallas draws a lot of penalties (3rd overall), and Anaheim’s penalty kill ranks 13th 82.2%.  So there are freebies to be had, Stars.  I still think the Ducks overpower them.

Chuck: My heart says Stars, but my head says Ducks. For reasons.  Namely, Perry, Getzlaf, Bonino, Selanne. Seguin and Benn have one of the best bromance/chemistry in the NHL right now, but it won’t be enough to overpower the Ducks.

Blues vs. Blackhawks

Pants: Blackhawks.  Only 4 points separate them.  The Blues are slumping hard – they lost 6 of 8 in April.  I would not want to ride that streak into the post-season against the defending Champs.  If Toews & Kane are really ready, like ready-ready, they can tip that balance.

Chuck: Blackhawks. Toews and Kane are back. Even at 75%, they are still pretty awesome.  Blues spent the month of April on a cross-country trip on the struggle bus, which not the way you want to go into the playoffs.  If Blues can return to their regular season form and get some guys back, they could have a shot.  But the WUYS Magic 8 Ball is saying “Outlook look not so good.”

Sharks vs. Kings

Pants: Snore.  Don’t these teams play every year?  Just two of the last four.  I’ll pick the Sharks for the same reason I always do: aren’t they tired of eventually losing in the Playoffs?  The Sharks are always a fire drill, never a fire.

Chuck: Sharks. Please dear Lord, the Sharks. I need Joe Thornton’s playoff beard to make me whole and happy.

Did your team make the playoffs?  Who are you cheering for?  Any Cinderellas in this year’s matchup?  We want to kn0w what you think?

Yet we remind ourselves, and you, these are the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  No team is safe.  Not even the #1 seed.

Pittsburgh (1) vs. NY Islanders (8)

Chuck: Penguins

Let’s be honest here – can anyone beat the Pens right now? It’ll be nigh impossible to stop the Pens on their quest for the Cup.  We’re delighted that they Isles made the big show and excited that our favorite middle school science teacher, John Tavares, finally has the chance to show off his exceptional skill in the post-season.  He could break out but this series is all Pens.

Pants:  Penguins

This is too tough a 1st round draw for the Isles.  The Penguins drop players like kids drop crayons – they can still make a picture, but one color always seems to be missing.  Now it’s: Avengers, ASSEMBLE.  Expect Crosby to be unlike we’ve ever seen him.  There is nothing he (and I) would like better than to take his injuries, time missed and all the shit-talk and shove it down every other team’s throat until they choke.  Whew… I need to calm down.  Is it Wednesday yet?

Montreal (2) vs. Ottawa (7)

Chuck:

Apparently, Erik Karlsson has Wolverine X-Men-like healing ability and boy are the Senators glad to have him back.  His return to the lineup will no doubt lift the Senators’ game. He makes all around him better and that is what his team needs to challenge the Habs.   So goes Carey Price, so go the Habs. He’ll need to be stellar this series for the Canadiens to advance.

Pants: Canadiens

Or alternatively: I don’t care about this series.  If the East sees an upset I think this would be it.

Washington Capitals (3) vs. New York Rangers (6)

Chuck: Rangers

Good looks can only get you so far and Rangers are going to have their hands full with one of the NHL’s hottest teams.  Caps’ PP is en fuego and Ovechkin has poured it on in the last few weeks (14 goals in April!).  But the Rangers have Lundqvist and a solid defensive corps.  Look for the McDonough/Ovechkin match up alot this series.  I’m glad that our friendship is strong and based on more than just hockey because this series will put it to the test.

Pants: Capitals

I believe in the Caps.  Hell, I even believe in Ovi for the last two months.  He is right now the unstoppable, force-of-nature player of years past.  Like then, he brings Nicky and Mikey right up with him.  Add in scrappy players who rise to playoff occasion – Chimera, Hendricks, Beagle, Ward – and it’s talent on top off tenacity.  I think feel hope know it’s going to happen.  The red is ready to rock.

Boston Bruins (4) vs. Toronto Maple Leafs (5)

Chuck:  Bruins

Original Six Match-Up! Bring it on! Bruins won the season series 3-1, but have slumped in the last dozen games.  Leafs have been a better team than they have in the past –  Kessel, Lupul, Van Riemsdyk, and the emergence of Kadri have lifted the Leafs to the #5 seed.  If Bruins want to win this series, they need to play “their game” – physical, punishing, bear-like.  Lucic, Horton, and Marchand need to step up.  Tuukka has played well in the net and it’s his time to shine as the Bruins #1.

Pants: Bruins

The Bruins are bigger and badder – and if they lose this series, it will be because they beat themselves.  Nice to see the Leafs make the dance, though.

Chicago (1) vs. Minnesota (8)

Chuck: Blackhawks

Hop on board the Blackhawks Train! Choo Choo! This team has been on-point from Day 1 of the season and honestly, the Western Conference is theirs to lose.  The Wild just squeaked into the #8 slot by winning their last regular season game. Suter has played well as of late after a rocky start in Minnesota and of course, there is Parise, but it is going to be hard to get past Crawford and Company.

Pants: Blackhawks

Remember in 2010, when you felt like you were watching magic happen?  That’s been going on since January, and it ain’t over yet.  There is almost no one I’d rather watch in the playoffs than Jonathan Toews – he is the epitome of a competitor and a captain.  That game-tying, short handed, under 2 minutes left goal to send Game 7 to OT vs Vancouver in the first round of 2011 still rips out my beating heart like we’re in the Temple of Doom.

Anaheim (2) vs. Detroit (7)

Chuck: Ducks

The Ducks are a team that have flown under the radar all season.  (Flown.  The Ducks. See what I did there?)  Detroit has made the playoffs for the 22nd straight season.  Ducks have a great goaltending tandem with Fasth and Hiller.  Detroit has a phalanx of talented forwards.  Series should be fun to watch but I think Anaheim comes out on top.  I weep at the thought of no Zetterberg playoff beard. WEEP.

Pants: Ducks

I don’t think the Ducks have been under the radar, just far away.  They won all but 2 games in February, so right away they were good and loud about it.  This is the Ducks team we should have seen last year, plus I miss Bruce Boudreau’s red, screaming face.  And Teemu Selanne cannot actually play forever, despite appearances.  Getcha some Haagen-Dazs for this one.

Vancouver (3) vs. San Jose (6)

Chuck: Sharks

If the Canucks are to have any chance on winning this series, Cory Schneider & Ryan Kesler need to be healthy.  Sharks won season series 3-0, have a proven Stanley Cup goalie and a boat-load of forwards led by Joe Thornton, Joe Pavelski, and our favorite caveman, Brent Burns.

Pants: Sharks

San Jose, the NHL’s streakiest team.  Remember how hot they were to begin the season?  If they can find the winning formula again, it’ll be the Conference Final before anyone knows what hit ’em.  Then the Sharks will choke, because that’s how they do in playoffs.  At least they’ll have taken Vancouver out first.

St. Louis (4) vs. Los Angeles (5)

Chuck: Kings

No way the defending Stanley Cup Champs are going down without a fight and I still think they’ll take the series, but if Backes steps up, this series could go either way.  Sure, the Blues may have lost to the Kings 8 times in a row but like the Black Eyed Peas – I got a feeling.  The Blues do have a shot.  Both teams play a similar game but Blues’ goaltending has been slightly better, so you can see my dilemma.

Pants: Blues

The more I think about it, the more I like the Blues here.  They’re pissed LA swept them out last season.  They’ve won 12 of 15 in April, and 10 of those by 1 or 2 goals.  That’s a lot of hard-scrabble 60 minute hockey, perfectly timed for this time of year.