It was someone’s job to walk behind John Tavares and hold a sign that said “John Tavares.”

I demand to see your qualifications.

This is so obviously the job for me that I’m just putting it on my resume, because it makes no sense that I wasn’t the one to do it. Here’s the red carpet video.

Gives new meaning to “Climb the ladder at work.”

I could also have held the “PLAID SUIT!” sign, people.

They don’t call him “Stammer” for nothing.

Then, let me just get this out of the way:

Squad goals.

And by “this”, I mean my dead body, fallen to the ground, blocking everyone’s commute into DC. Look at these guys! Look at John’s hair! My enjoyment of this photo is the way a tween feels on the day a new One Direction album drops. I don’t Snapchat, but if I did, I would express this with the “throwing up rainbows” filter.

If this were The Hangover, Tavares would end up with the tattoo on his face. Take care of him!

Hockey clubs can’t even handle me right now.

Obviously the big story of the weekend was John Scott auditioning to play himself in the Disney remake of Goon. He not only went to Nashville, apprently against the NHL’s wishes, he owned the weekend. His kids and goals and his MVP award are all the things we love about sports. Perseverance, faith and, hey, talent (!) delivered with a smile that thanked most people and told some others to kiss his ass.

Proudest fan club.

The support of so many players and teams for Scott’s efforts was also spectacular. Sportsmanship, alive and well! This is what sports should teach kids: not that everybody wins, or gets a trophy for showing up, but that life can be tough – and you can be tougher.  Scott goes, for now, back to the AHL. Fate awaits. But for that moment, when someone said he couldn’t, John Scott did anyway. Bravo, sir.

This is the moment, tonight is the night…

In other highlights, PK Subban topped the moment he wore Intern Jeff Skinner’s jersey with a costume so perfect I can’t believe I’ve never worn it on Halloween. (No wig required.)

And PK looks good with long hair. Is that weird? Nah. These rest of the weekend PK dressed and acted like a million bucks-slash-his regular self. He even does a purple suit and fedora with a minimum of pimp-ness. How?

Most popular man on campus

In the weekend’s other best piece of performance art, Brent Burns appeared as the fictionalized version of himself.

“Where my boyfriend?” – Maz Kanata

Plus he brought a litle Ewok.

Biological clocks ticking so loudly, someone called the Bomb Squad.

Burns’ teammate and Former Foxy Friday Joe Pavelski also brought his son, and Minis Pavelski and Burns scored a goal in the breakaway competition. That drop pass would make any goalie disappear.

Jeez, Pavelski looks good. Sorry Chuck, but I think Joe Thornton turned out to be the Prince William in this family, and all of a sudden Prince  Harry (ginger power! ) is like woah.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Other important stories:

Claude Giroux is hot.

Yes, you heard me right.

May I be struck down by the Penguins Zamboni for continuing to think this, but….

This must be how Liam feels about Miley and I don’t understand that either.

Probably driving the Penguins Zamboni of Shame would be Malkin, with James Neal uselessly shouting directions in English. Their little reunion this weekend makes me really want a TARDIS. [Video]

Malkin to Neal: “Good luck in the shootout… Look, he’s nervous.”

Take a peek for more from #NHLAllStar weekend.https://t.co/UKzyBz8qR4

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) January 31, 2016

Geno is also the person on Earth whom I would most like to hug. He feels the way I feel after a long day of doing PR. (Too bad it’s actually my job.)

Bonus Crosby, smizing through his shock that I just said I wanted to hug Geno more.

Meanwhile, Neal (:: sans gingerbeard :: why :: sobs ::) heard what I said Friday about Dierks Bentley and “everyone loves tight jeans”, and he delivered! Video of them skating together in the breakaway challenge here.

I know what I was feeling….

Also, James does not have the best hair on the Preds. There is simply no competing with Roman Josi,

There’s something about Josi.

Matt Duchene made his debut as a second-career country star. I hope this is an available search criteria on DateaCowboy.com (100% real website). Matt also were a cowboy hat and used hashtags #mullett and #yeehaw this weekend, so if music doesn’t work out, he could always blog for us! [Performance Video]

Matt Duchene is an #NHLAllStar in more ways than one… pic.twitter.com/F1RpAyLMfC

— NHL (@NHL) January 30, 2016

Tyler Seguin swore on TV, then apologized to Canada.

Then he made it up to the whole world simply by having been born 24 years ago that same day and thus contributing this to humankind.

Something for everyone.

I was going to say “mankind”, which is casually and confusingly misogynistic. Then I was going to say “womankind”, which is sexist because I have to believe guys appreciate a supernova just as much.

I didn’t hear much about Jamie Benn this weekend. Even if he did nothing but stand around and look like Jamie Benn, it’s more than I do all day.

“What should we do tonight, Tyler?” “Same thing we do every night, Jamie. Try to take over the world.”

(Jamie and Tyler were the only hockey players to make the Forbes list of 30 Under 30: Sports, reminding you they are 1) awesome and 2) practically still jailbait.)

Speaking of jailbait, Aaron Ekblad continues to defy human evolution by appearing to be a good idea. His beard is so Max Talbot, right? Again, right-but-wrong. Should we just call him #rightbutwrong from now on? Done.

What’s wrong with being confident?

Then he posted a photo from his hotel room and (we assume) Nashville sold out of binoculars and protractors as people tried to figure out which window to look in.

Dylan Larkin, who is 9 years old (okay, 19), submitted his application to be our new intern by skating the fastest lap in NHL ASG history. Hey, we were spry at 19 too! (Lies.) But we like this kid, and not just because he can pass notes to Mike Green for us.

Freshman flash

I could go on all day – I nearly have, since it’s noon and all my emails are unread! I hope you enjoyed this and the ASG weekend. Just doing this post has given me all the feelings.

Live shot of my office.

Bring on the second half of the season!  (Now, if something could excite the Penguins, we’d be in business.)

And now, we turn to Elodie…

With weeks to go until New Year’s Day and its symbolic game, this year’s Road to the NHL Winter Classic is back on EPIX, this time trying to give us a glimpse of the lives of the Montreal Canadiens and the Boston Bruins.

If you don’t know, this is a rivalry for the ages. One of – if not the – most bitter in the NHL. To this day, these teams have faced each other more than any other two teams in the league, and they simply really, really dislike each other.

The kids who spawned a thousand memes.

Let me be honest – I’m a Bruins fan, inclined to turn a side-eye to every bit of the show that is about the Habs. Yet even I have to admit that if there’s one thing this first episode of Road the the NHL Winter Classic did well, it was keeping the focus on a player that it is almost impossible to hate: PK Subban.

Related: PK as Don Cherry makes Strombo pee his pants. [Video]

There’s a beautiful moment, in the opening for the Habs’ section of the show, where PK putting on the most outrageous red fur coat. My friends and I couldn’t help but wonder, does he dress like that all the time, or is it just for the cameras? We could completely believe he wears this thing out every day.

Echoes of his NHL Awards suit

Turns out, the coat is for the cameras, but his teammates fall for the joke and their reactions are glorious.

There’s also this pretty interesting bit where PK lets us in into one of his “hobbies”: suit designing. He says it himself, he likes to look good. And he does. Can’t wait to see what he pulls out for the Winter Classic.

Okay, enough Habs. None of this compares to the delightful moments with the Bruins we get to see! From Zdeno Chara walking around Boston, going to his favorite barber (the same one that shaved his playoff beard after winning the Cup, the one Chara brought the Cup to) and stopping by a youth hockey team from Halifax for pictures and autographs, to Brad Marchand soulfully gazing out of his bedroom window before putting on a (very sharp) suit, it’s all pretty intimate.

[Editors note: You know I didn’t write that about Marchand! *P]

But no moment is more intimate that the few minutes we get with Patrice Bergeron. Bergy, flawless, perfect Patrice, is famously known his discretion.  Never would I have expected to see 8-week old baby Zack featured on the show. And yet, this happened…

:: synchronized swoon ::

So ovaries everywhere imploded in hushed whimpers. The show also featured Stephanie Bergeron gushing about how good a father Patrice is, and I had to rewind and rewatch a couple of times, making pained noises throughout the whole thing.

The preview for the upcoming episodes also seem to show that we’ll be introduced to Tuukka Rask’s tiny blonde Finnish baby, which is something that nobody expected either, because these guys, they don’t share.

Cindy Lou Tuuk? Cindy Tuu Who? I can’t make this joke work.

Other awww-inducing moments of note: Patches and his tiny child playing about in the bowels of the Bell Center:

Yankees hat. This kid is good.

Mainly, my brain short-circuited post-Bergy and I retained very little of everything else. To be fair, as first episodes go, this one was heavy on exposition. Hopefully they’ll find the hooks they had least year, like Latta and Wilson’s bromance, or a bevvy of family holiday skates to pack it all up with cuteness and babies everywhere. I am eagerly awaiting more baby Bergy, and Rask, and the exceptionally cute baby Krejci:

From the lovely Mrs. Krejci – @naomikrejci

This show has always been at its best when there’s more than a rivalry narrative to hang onto, so I’ll look forward to next week’s show. The Bruins played some good games (sayonara, Penguins!) while Episode 2 was filming. I, for one, will be satisfied with babies everywhere, but I may be easy to please.

[Thanks, Elodie! See you next week. *P]

Turn it up.

Is there sugar in syrup?

Now, I can identify about two of the Canadiens by their faces, so I really wish this thing had nameplates. I turned to the team roster to find find the names of my new favorite hockey players.

Dale Weise: Best Jazz Hands

You should see him build a snowman.

Brendan Gallagher: Most Likely to Add “Disney Prince” to his Tinder Profile

He is an assistant captain? He’s eight years old.

Nathan Beaulieu: Best Cross-Promotion of Disney-Owned Property

Debut Single: “A la Peanut Butter Sandwiches (Dance Remix ft. Justin Bieber)”

Jeff Petry: TIE – Most Age-Inappropriate Haircut and Best Liar

He sings “God knows, I tried” without actually trying.

Lars Eller: TIE – Most Likely to Star in Disney on Ice Presents: Frozen and/or Answer to the Name “Sven”

My bad, Sven is the reindeer! He’s cute too. I mean Kristoff, apparently.

Tomas Fleischmann: Most Confused why North Americans Find this Funny

Also could be a Sven.

Mike Condon: Most Likely to Have a Go-To Karaoke Song (That is By Journey)

Hold on to that feeeeelayeeeeyang!

Torrey Mitchell: Most Emotive Performance in 4th Grade Class Play

It’s all in the shoulder sway.

PK Subban: Moment You Realize “Let it Go” is Much Longer Than You Thought

Why is this buried at the 2:55 mark?

Bless all the guys who are into this, but the real star is Carey Price. He looks like he wants to die.

Carey Price: Most Likely to Trade His Voice to Ursula for Legs to Get the Hell Out of Here

Thingamabobs? I got twenty.

It will always bother me that “Let it go” is followed by “I am one with the wind and sky” instead of “wind and snow.” Yes, it rhymes the second line with the fourth, damn you ABAB scheme, but it rings awkwardly in my ear.

Though not as awkwardly as thinking of Elsa but seeing this in my mind:

Just wait till Pirates of the Caribbean karaoke, says Andrei Markov.

Oh what fun that Canadiens are having among the NHL’s top three teams. Happy holidays to all. May Santa put copyright infringement lawsuits in your stockings!

Look up.

Not Kate Middleton gossip, remembering Ryan Reynolds is Canadian or even Angelina being honored with an extra “u” from the Queen.  I mean the important stuff.

Up to the top.

You are reading that right.  Thanks to @tobelerone for seeing this first!

I still don’t see it.

This is a real story. IN A MAGAZINE.  It’s teased on the cover!  I love Canada.  You’d have to run out of  divorces, Duck Dynasties, Duggars (not possible) and basically all forms of life on Earth before an American gossip magazine would run a hockey story.

Next week’s issue

I want to be in the pitch meeting where ranking attractive hockey players gets discussed on a regular basis.

Ooh, I hope it’s a PowerPoint.

I bet the voting process starts with the NHL Awards.

Link. For heaven’s sake, Crosby, see a tailor.

Jeff Carter gets engaged and then married within about an hour of winning the Cup and ruins everything.

And with the beard!

They brainstorm all summer, counting on shirtless boat-selfies as campaign strategy. There are heated debates, anonymous picspam sabotage attempts and pitch calls to Dude Perfect.  The entire office is covered in photos and notes, like a live-action Tumblr feed.

:: slides down wall ::

The problem is: if you do this list right, it’s predictable.  Maybe even boring – if you’re bored by things like Sidney Crosby.  Or this blog.  I assume Hello! Canada will pick 10 Canadian players, but perhaps there’s room on this list for a Swede (or a Star) or two.

This took some thought.

We can’t see the whole list online – who’s going to tell us which eight other players make the cut?  More importantly, what are your guesses?

Don’t let us down.

So naturally, it was time James Neal did the challenge.  He’s a proud member of Team Tank Top – or, if you shop at Old Navy, Team “Tami” because that thing is so long I can’t tell where the shirt ends and his shorts start.

(I can’t help noticing this dock was dry when Melanie did the challenge.  Which probably means James made her go first. )

How does one dress to match a sleeve tattoo?  The answer: you don’t.  Of course James is wearing a hat – you knew he wasn’t going to give us anything that good.  And it’s not like any of his teammates went shirtless… oh wait.  James plays for the Predators now.

Rich Clune Ice Bucket Challenge

I always wondered what “apple bottom jeans” meant.

Neal’s going to have to stop up his game if he wants to get noticed in Nashville.  At least he doesn’t have to compete with soccer players:

(Thanks to Alison, our top futbol correspondent.)

PK Subban went for the hockey version of this look: jockstrap over the shorts.  The NHL’s Best Dressed Man strikes again.  It seems unfair that he, in turn, nominated the Worst Dressed: Phil Kessel.  We can only hope Phil has spent his summer reading our blog posts about John Tavares’ pants.

Meanwhile, Gary Roberts wants all these pretty boys to know he could kick their asses, make a kale smoothie, check his email and DVR American Ninja Warrior before they even got up off the floor.

I feel like Robs can see the bacon, egg & cheese I’m eating right now.  Bye internet.

I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

The NHL Awards are tonight – on a Tuesday.  Let that sink in… Tuesday.  Rock and roll.  We’ll take it, of course, desperate and starved as we are.  But not to overload Tuesday, hockey festivities began yesterday in two cities.

In Vancouver, Hockey Canada hosted an Olympic Gala and distributed rings.  Sid was there, opting for a brown t-shirt because he saw how excited we all got about mint green the other day.  Of course he was with Matt Duchene, who is turning turning into a country singer before our eyes.  (No complaints.)  PK puts everyone’s wardrobe to shame with zero effort.

Especially Dan Hamhuis.  That color combination is so bad you can feel Pietrangelo and Weber begging for help as they stare into the camera.  Jame Benn (Short hair, don’t care!) had to look away.

The next photo comes in two versions.

#1: THE CHUCK – Bergy and Nash being cool, hanging in the back, looking all cheekbones about it.

Chuck’s reaction:

#2: THE PANTS – Front and center but you probably missed it on first glance…

Live shot of me:

Tavares in a t-shirt, ace jeans and a backwards ball cap?  Casual Monday-slash-I am dead.  Just don’t let this be the end of pleated khakis, polos and belts, John.  Don’t get too cool on me now.

Not to be forgotten, Sid’s shirt is okay too.

And then, his suit.

I swear he owns two suits and five shirts.  When future generations of WUYS readers use the internet built into their brains to crack open the Crosby photo file, they won’t be able to tell one year from another.  His whole career is “circa navy suit.”

Last night culminated in the Hockey Canada Gala.  PK did that thing again with his wardrobe and Carey Price loved his beard as much as we do.

There’s John, almost appearing again.  I don’t see a single photo of him in what I presume was a suit… not one.  Who goes an entire pride-of-the-nation event wearing a shiny new Olympic ring and does not get photographed a single time?  John Tavares, folks.

Meanwhile in Vegas…

At NHL Awards 2014, media availability, Tazer discussed contract extensions, his lifelong commitment to Patrick Kane and he even almost smiled one time [video].

Maybe he was thinking about his pink shorts.

Giroux was there too – I tell ya, this guy could make a girl forget she hates the Flyer.  Whew.  So much so that I didn’t look at the video title and see SCOTT HARTNELL WAS TRADED [video].  Nine hours elapsed before I found this out!  If that’s not the truest sign of summer, take back my margarita.

It figures that Hartnell was only traded as far as Columbus, after the time they gave the Pens these past playoffs.  Why can’t people get traded to the KHL?  At least it was a swap for RJ Umberger (what I say when I think about calories for two seconds then order what I want anyway) and not Dubinsky.  That would be from bad to worse.

Claude also discussed his Hart nomination [video], which I hope he loses.

Ovi spent the week in Vegas posting drunken Instagrams, then spoke about the Caps new coach [video].  I wonder how much of the second thing had to do with so much of the first. Of course I screen capped a rather smug moment.

The NHL Awards broadcast tonight at 7 PM.  I am debating watching in real time or waiting until fast forward becomes an option.  My “I can’t watch The Office, it’s too awkward!”-phobia is at DEFCON ONE during these shows.  Either way, if I survive I will post tomorrow.  With some actual hockey content.

Video: CBC – Defending Gold: Inside the Making of Canada’s Team

It’s thirty minutes inside the minds and meetings of Team Canada’s architects as they deliberate who’ll wear the red and white in Sochi just over a month from now. The Honorable Stevie Y presiding.

Showing these kids how it’s done.

From Olympic camp back in August, let’s talk about something that’s more awkward that Lucic’s face in this shot – Phanuef’s cardigan.  No, I’m kidding.  I cover my anguish with humor, people!  It’s how I cope.

I’m talking about Mike Green.

Mike is not going to Russia.  There are days when I’m surprised they even let Mike go to Caps games.   His exclusion from the 2010 Canada roster was considered by many a huge snub, a year in which he had 76 points (holy shit) and got his second straight Norris nomination.  Critics pegged Mike as “too offensive” – as in point-scoring, not bothersome – when CAN needed stay-at-home blueliners.  Well compared to 2010, this season is roadkill so I think we can just look away (from my broken heart).

Don’t despair for long.  Team Canada will not lack things to make me happy.

Gah, there is a polo shirt shop in heaven and I’d like to work there.

Most of our cast of The Bachelorette (Part 1, Part 2) are here, method-acting out the roles we assigned for our show:

The Quarterback, gazing into the distance at his achievable dreams with complete disregard for that ladder’s feelings.

The Kid practicing his cursive for writing notes in study hall.

The Class Clown making it all look fun.  (PK might lose this grin when he hears them debating him later in the show.)

The Hot One, rakishly ignoring the photo of his own crazy face in the background while testing the structural integrity of yet another folding chair.

The Quiet One and other French guys being French and quiet.

The Bromance being exclusive.

Fine, you make a better screencap.

Not lost on me was this moment of foreshadowing.  I believe this is the look Crosby and Kunitz gave Neal after a certain incident involving a knee and a head and the desire to make this team.

#disapprovingPenguinstare

The look inside Yzerman’s war room is fascinating, talking about pressure, second-guessing and the chemistry required to put together not only the best team, but the right team.  I got a little nervous when they talked about specific guys: Nash, #TeamEbs, Stammer’s injury.  “They will see this!  They’ll hear you!”  It makes no difference though; on January 7, Yzerman and Co. will have us on the edge of our seats.

Who will get a rose and who will be crying in limo?  Most importantly, what are we going to buy?

Now it’s your turn: give us your thoughts, surprising snubs and bets on Superman Stamkos getting the nod.  If Stammer and Tavares make the team, Tavares won’t wear 91.  My purchase decision anxiety mounts.

Side note: It’s nice to know Canadians suffer the same trials as Americans when it comes to online/in demand TV – being forced to watch the same commercials ad nauseum.

#TeamEbs took over the NHL Instagram account and used the opportunity to make fun of Molly Ringwald.

Our favorite boy band also introduced an act at the Canadian Country Music Awards.  (All the things I love – hockey, Canada, country music – in one place.)

The NHL had their Media Day and Sidney Crosby took his hockey stick to the prom (again).

John Tavares was named the 14th captain of the USS NY Islanders.  Just when you think it can’t get more adorkable, he says “heck” in his speech, wears black shorts with black shoes and just about kills us all. (Press conference |  Interview)

He also did a… workout video.  That should be Rated R.  Hey!  I am not the one who says “explosive hip thrusts” fifty times.

Proof that JT91 is the nicest: Everyone says “Tavahhhres” while John says “TavAIRes.”  I bet he never corrects anyone.

Also, the Hawks went to a Bears game.

Resulting in the best Tweet of the weekend:

(Source: @Drunk_Kane88, thanks to @Brn_idPensGrl for the send.)

The Penguins annual season ticket delivery happened.  This would need to take place with said Penguin being delivered to my house in an ambulance, then my mom could drive him home after the EMTs take me away.

As per usual, Crosby went to zero houses where anyone under 60 lives.  He did sweat his was handsomely through the attention.

What’s cuter than awkward Sid?  GENO!  I have missed you!  He is 12 feet tall and doesn’t brush his hair.  Those are some Russian jeans he’s got on too.  Who cares?!  I want to hug him.

You can see them all at the Pens website, including this moment where Neal signs a baby.

Speaking of Penguins, it’s JStaal’s birthday today.  I miss him.  Let’s all take a moment to wish the Canes a good season, and then eat some cake.

Jordan was our very first Happy Birthday post in 2010, and again in 2011.

This happened two weeks ago and I never even saw it – The Mike Green Clinic on What Shoes to Wear With Golf Shorts:

Source: Twitter

Do you think d-men like Green and Seabs enjoy seeing scorers like Stammer and Bergy in the off-season?  One more from this tournament…

More photos here.

That’ll teach me to go on vacation.  Just wait until the season starts!  I may not survive.  I’m sure there’s more right now but I must work because that Game Center Live bill is coming soon too.

(Who am I kidding?  Start that workout video again.)

]]> http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/09/10/summers-almost-gone/feed/ 12 http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/09/02/team-canada-casting-call-2/ http://whatsupyasieve.com/2013/09/02/team-canada-casting-call-2/#comments Mon, 02 Sep 2013 14:46:33 +0000 http://wuys.wpengine.com/?p=17492 Summer is over(-ish) and it’s time for Steven Stamkos to put away his white pants.  None of these fashion faux pas on reality TV, boys.

As the NHL season nears, players will fight for their teams and for spots on the 2014 Olympic roster.  And, of course, for a rose on our show.

First rule of The Bachelorette: If we didn’t introduce you in our Casting Call first round, we didn’t see you enough.  Nothing kills a contestant like too little screen time.  That guy in the back on the group date, who hits the bar instead of hitting on the Bachelorette?  You’re not making it buddy.  Get wise now and get your face in front of the camera.

Now, introducing more true love hopefuls for this season of The Bachelorette:

The Quarterback

This guy is THE GUY.  His qualifications obvious.  People whisper as he arrives.  Maybe it’s gone to his head a bit – he was late for the show because he missed his flight, after all.  But he’s got the goods.  While he may not end up being captain of the contestants, it’s well understood the Quarterback has earned that spot.  Surprisingly fun after several bottles of champagne, Jonathan Toews might just win this trophy too.

The Brothers

We regret to announce that while they may make Team Canada, we have disqualified EStaal and Ginger Staal from our show.  Let’s face it – the Bachelorette, completely overwhelmed by all this testosterone, usually makes out with about ALL the guys on the show.  It’s just too weird.  Sorry boys, have the limo take you all the way to Thunder Bay.

Just don’t pack…

The One That Got Away

Oh man.  These choices are tough enough without seeing the guy who broke your heart.  Sure, he’s doing okay now.  And you’re fine.  But remember how much better you were together?  Do you think he remembers?  Is he the reason you ended up on this damned show?  Give your champagne to the Quarterback before you do the ugly cry and throw a shoe at Jordan Staal.

Ugh – don’t expect him to be nice about this either.  Kick me right in the Penguins logo, whydon’tya.

Did he bleach his hair or does the sun naturally have this effect on demigods?

The Hot Dad

There’s always one contestant with a kid.  It softens even the hardest Bachelorette heart, despite worries about losing her figure and ending up on US Weekly’s “Worst Beach Bodies” cover because she ate like Jessica Simpson in her condition.  She’ll rethink everything when this guy brings out his brood for a game of catch, puppy cuddles or whatever else it is that kids with adorable dads do for fun.  Don’t worry about The Hot Dad keeping up either.  Marty St. Louis might just out-score all these kids (again).

The Class Clown

This guy is a quick favorite of any Bachelorette.  The Class Clown rescues her.  Whether it’s a pushy advance from the Quarterback or a boring tangent on soil erosion from the Freshman, he knows how to change a subject with a joke and no one’s the wiser.  Except our Bachelorette.  Have we mentioned PK Subban can pull a sled weighting about 8,000 pounds and his shorts are specially made of Kevlar? You know what they say: happy wife, happy life.

Instagram

The Cowboy

Country is so hot right now.  Every reality show has a redneck to show up the regular boys – catching his own dinner, opening doors, lassoing things he could have easily walked over and picked up.  Bet on a wilderness date in which he exposes the big city metrosexualness of even the manliest man on this show.  Just don’t get offended when he calls you “ma’am.”    Instead consider that Carey Price can do a full split and correctly ride a horse, all while making sure his hat never falls off.

Congrats to Carey on what looks like a ridiculously fun wedding.

The Bromance

In a show about long-term relationship potential, we must nod to the greatest among us.  These guys have no time for the Bachelorette – either they weren’t at camp or made a vampire pact for immortality and no longer show up in photos.  Still they have that magic that unites them for better (LA) or worse (Philly), through good times (the Cup) and bad (the trades).  The Bachelorette should by Richie & Carts… and let them plan her actual bachelorette party.

You can see this Bachelorette has her work cut out for her.  We’ve barely cracked the 47 contestants for spots in Sochi – and big names like Patrick Sharp and #TeamEbs remain.  The good news is 25 will make the Canada Men’s Hockey roster, and a lot will depend on the first three months of the season.  So let’s see it boys.  Get on their radar (and ours), and see if we’ve got a rose with your name on it.

What’s worse, that shirt or that a guy is wearing it?

Nevermind, it’s a tie.

It turns out I really miss those.

The NHL handed out their awards over the weekend while I had no internet and no idea it was happening.  Oh well.  My campaign for a “make up for the lockout and no All-Star Game” program involving a swimsuit competition and push-up contest apparently fell on deaf ears.

We’ll always have this Blackhawks TV episode.

Deprived of suits, shiny toys and the potential of a Biz & Gingeroux Take Vegas Instagram-Fest, let’s discuss the winners.

Hart Trophy/League MVP – Alex Ovechkin

Is that a tray of watches and potato pancakes?

Mmmmmkay.  I would have gone with Crosby, but research indicates I may be biased.  Can you miss 1/4 of 1/2 of a season and still be MVP?  Fine, I guess not – but Sid only lost by 4 votes.  I did admit this was the first year I have appreciated Ovi.  If this award inspires him to play like his three Hart-worthy seasons (instead of last season!) in the future, it’s cool by me.

John Tavares, what do you think?

Selke/Best Defensive Forward – Jonathan Toews

Approved.  Chuck would say Bergy but with the season the Hawks had, seeing one of their lead offensive players (T-1st in team goals, 2nd in points) also be their best defensive forward is especially impressive.  Why work that hard when you’re winning all the time anyway?  Because it’s a huge part of how you win all the time.

Lady Byng/Sportsmanship – Marty St. Louis

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SQUISHY!!  He’s 38 today.  It’s easy to assume Squishy wins this award (almost) every year because he’s small.  Not true.  Brad Marchand is small.  You with me?  St. Louis also lead the NHL in points – at 37, he was the oldest player to ever do this.  Score that much and be nice about it? Our moms are so proud.

Vezina/Best Goaltender – Segei Bobrovsky

In a world where Bobrovsky was traded and now the Flyers will buyout Bryzgalov’s monster contract, are you laughing a little?  I’m laughing.  I also applaud Bob’s gutsy choice of suit and tie.  Gotta be sauve when you’re up against King Henrik.

Norris/Best Defenseman – PK Subban

I know voting only takes regular season into account, but if this went to Kris Letang after the Pens’ playoffs even I would have been ashamed.  Maybe next year, Tanger.  Maybe you need a ponytail holder.  I don’t like Subban but I’d like him if he were on my team.  All those chin-ups with the 100 lb. of extra weight have paid off.

Calder/Best Rookie – Jonathan Huberdeau

I saw maybe 3 Panthers games all year and Huberdeau scored in all of them so I’m on board with this.  Jon also has the appropriately wry jawline and poufy hair potential to replace Matt Smith as Doctor Who, if they could tape only in summer.

Lindsay/Most Outstanding Player (by NHLPA) – Sidney Crosby

Being voted Most Outstanding by fellow players in pretty great.  Sid would rather have the Cup, the Richard, the Hart… but this award is this season for Sid, especially with his injury.  I’m not going to gush.  Just sum up my feelings with the time Sid went to a Justin Beiber concert in the same week I went to a Justin Beiber concert.  I love everything.  Hold it together, girls.

Side note: The title of this post does not endorse the Nelly remix of Florida Georgia Line’s song.  Yes I admitted to Bieber but even I have standards.

I told myself I didn’t care anymore. The lockout was dragging and NHL hockey was no longer a part of my life. I had accepted it and moved on.

Then the RBC Charity Challenge happened.

“Mwhahahaha,” said Stamkos.

The NHLPA threw James Neal, Steven Stamkos, Logan Couture, Michael Del Zotto, Joffrey Lupul, PK Subban, and a bunch of other players on the same sheet of ice, and my inner fangirl was doomed from the very announcement.

I paid my $30, got a third row ticket and emotionally prepared myself.

I knew it was going to be a great night when I saw PK Subban on my way to the grocery store.  I did what any other normal person would do – speed-walked right past him in stunned silence then tweeted about it immediately.

Eventually it was game time. I could talk about how much I missed the sights, sounds and smells of a hockey arena, but I have far too many pictures of James Neal and Steven Stamkos for that.  I know what you really want.

First came the warm-up.  Team Subban debuted, then Team Stamkos.  That’s when we all died fangirl deaths.  Look, NHLPA. You can’t just put Stammer, Nealer, and MDZ on the same team and expect every female in the place to contain herself.  (Pants Note: Word.)

It was arguably the best part of the entire game, because the players skated without their helmets on and we got to see all of this:

During the game, the announcer gave James Neal the not-actually-real award of “Best Hair on the Ice.” Pascal Dupuis may not have been there to rub his stick in it (that sounds inappropriate!), but Nealer’s hair looked, as always, pretty fabulous.

Puck drop: Steven Stamkos, Elisha Cuthbert’s fiancé, and 4 other guys that you’re probably not going to know unless you’re a Leafs fan.  (Are there any of you out there, or am I alone in my misery?)

Fun fact: PK and Steven used to be teammates when they were little kids. Like that one stacked team in every rec league that wins all the trophies.

Jim Cuddy sang the national anthem. This picture is so Canadian it hurts.

 What follows is a random selection of the best pictures from throughout the game. If you’re not a fan of James Neal’s face, maybe just skip this part.

(Pants Note: Maybe just skip this blog!)

This just seemed like a necessary inclusion.

Nealer and Purcell having a serious discussion about which of them is better friends with Stamkos.  (Pants Note: Awkward foreground moment.)

Oh my god, just stop it.

If only they were facing the camera.

Obligatory James Neal tongue photo. Sorry about your ovaries, Pants.

Versteeg is probably singing “Glamorous” by Fergie to Stammer right here.

I’d totally be staring at/taking pictures of Teddy Purcell’s butt, too.

It took until the second period for me to remember that Team Subban existed.

I have nothing coherent to say. I just spent 5 minutes staring at Stammer here.

Bless your heart, Phil the Thrill. You put on a stickhandling clinic through traffic in the slot, then missed the shot, lost your footing, crashed into the boards and got up laughing.

My three boyfriends. But I guess I can share.

Pretty sure this line combined for like 30 points. 

These poor, misguided children. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and despair. RUN BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

It’s impossible not to like Joffrey Lupul. He sasses Gary Bettman, has great taste in music, and has that face.

I was so distracted by Team Stamkos that I unfairly neglected Logan Couture until the 3^rd period.

Wojtek “the Polish Prince” Wolski, just for Chuck.

Last picture of James Neal, I SWEAR.

Sadly, the game eventually ended and I remembered that the lockout still exists. But at least I have all these pictures to get me through it.

On my way home I saw David Steckel who, despite what I’m about to say, seemed to be a lovely and fantastic person who I’m sure did not mean to hit Sidney Crosby in the head.

But while everyone else was asking him for autographs, I experienced an intense rage flashback. It took everything in me not to angrily shout something about staying away from Canada’s National Treasure. (Last week, against my better judgment, I re-watched “Pens/Caps: 24/7” and I’m. Still. Bitter.)

Hope you guys enjoyed my little recap, and more importantly, the pictures! If you’re looking for pictures of a specific player from the game, let me know. I literally took hundreds of pictures, so this is just a small sampling, and I don’t mind sharing.

Thanks to Pants and Chuck for letting me do this guest blog! Also a big thank you to Elena for fangirling with me throughout the entire thing!

Video: Intern Jeff Skinner has great legs (bonus: James Neal)

This is my serious face.

There’s a moment where Gary Roberts says, “We don’t lay down much in our workouts.”, but he looks like no fun at all so I’ll just bite my tongue.

My first thought is that Jeff has a surprisingly deep voice to go with those gams.

Second thought: If James Neal sat behind me, I’d work a lot harder too.

There’s a glimpse of Nealmobile’s mystery tattoo in this video (inside right bicep).   I know it says PANTS, but I want to see it!  The first person who gets a picture will receive a case of Mexicolas delivered by Intern Jeff.

After watching that, don’t you want to hit it?  (I mean the gym, pervs.)  Run around the block or something?  I do.  Then I watched this:

Video: James Neal and Jeff Skinner demonstrate my inadequacy

A race consisting of one pull up, one push up, then again, with no stops for throwing up on your sneakers.

I’ve been training hard all summer for a Tough Mudder race (Sept 8!) and I still cannot do one single pull up.  I can run 12 miles but cannot lift my body weight.  Intern Jeff Skinner does them one-handed while taking phone messages in the office.  UGH!

This would be very disheartening if you didn’t notice that Nealer is cheating.

Those are some girly push-ups, James.  Twice he gets called out on it.  Gary Roberts is so mesmerized by Jeff’s quads he doesn’t see James staying six inches off the floor.  We’re on to you, Neal (and thanks).

Not to be outdone during Stamkos Takeover Week here at WUYS…

Video: Steven Stamkos can jump freakishly high

Not for nothing, but that is CRAZY.  He’s 6′ 1″, so he’s jumping well over 3 feet.  I just measured my desk – 29″ – and started cracking up.  No freaking way.

 .gifs from h33nrik.tumblr.com

That last one… why do I even bother trying to say coherent things?

Next up – Video: John Tavares, hot middle school science teacher

It’s the hair.  Something about it says Izod polo shirts and boat shoes.

He’s about to start discussing sedimentary rock strata while I doodle on my Trapper Keeper and debate which would be more fun: detention or extra credit.

Also, JT91 looks like he sort of hates this.  He’s obviously very motivated… to finish this working and go do something else.  We applaud his efforts.

And finally, someone who tells it like it is.

Video: PK Subban knows it’s tight t-shirt season

Listed at 206 pounds, that means PK is lifting 306 lbs here.  He looks like he could lift my car.  He goes on to say he works out 8-9 times a week.  Somewhere, John Tavares just passed out.

Last year when we started talking about workout videos, the universe delivered.  This seasons it seems to have anticipated our request.

Quick someone ask for something else…

Who makes double entendres with random-yet-endearing capitalization?

What Ebs dreams of when he looks in the mirror?

Who needs you to bring them a beer?

Who will buy you popcorn at the movies?

Who thinks college is way different than it really is?

But gets everything else so right?

With all this, a tan, and the potential of a Mike Richards/Jeff Carter Stanley Cup party to contemplate, I think we might get to September after all.

1. James Neal’s career-high 28th goal, and there are still 28 games left to play.  (Bonus: Awkwardly close-up post-game interview video.)

2. Steven Stamkos has scored against every NHL team [video].  And he got a League-leading 35th goal on his birthday, even if the Bolts lost.

3. Letang jumped PK Subban in defense of Geno during last night’s extra-frames shootout loss.  The video’s bad, but skip to the 1:00 mark for the tackle.

4. The Caps are #1 in the Southeast Division.  Gator and I had an excellent time watching the beat Florida 4-0.

5. I’d love it if the Blackhawks could win a road game, especially since they’re on a 9-game trip.  Since that hasn’t happened, any suggestions for something you love about today?

Carcillo is a repeat offender (and a goon) – he was suspended 2 games for this hit on Carolina’s Pittkanen on 10/28. Guest Starring Rob Blake!!

Calgary’s Rene Bourque got a 5-game ban [link] and a lifetime spot on my s&%$ list for his elbow to the precious face of Nicklas Backstrom.  You all saw it, and I don’t want to watch it again.  As mentioned yesterday, Bourque is also a repeat offender for this hit on Chicago’s Brent Seabrook in December that got him suspended for two.

Dale Hunter gave no conclusive update on Backstrom yesterday, but his brother posted an update to Twitter:

This was obviously not team-sanctioned news and was quickly taken down.  Silly people with inside info, you are not publicists!  But no worries, because Nicky participated in a full practice this morning and is expected to make the Caps trip to San Jose today, for the game Saturday.

It’s not just elbows and knees getting people into trouble.  The Panthers’ Krys Barch has been suspended 1 game for an alleged racial slur against PK Subban.  The remark was overhead by a linesman during Saturday’s game and Barch was ejected [link].  There are a lot of things we’d like to say to PK Subban, but none of them are that.  And all of them come after, “Can we have Stamkos’ number?”  I’m sure there’s a lot of hearsay in this case, but this argument is looking pretty valid:

And Rangers’ coach John Tortorella was fined by the NHL after some pretty inflammatory comments following Monday’s Winter Classic:

“I’m not sure if NBC got together with the refs or what to turn this into an overtime game,” Tortorella said Monday. “For two good refs, I thought the game was reffed horribly. I’m not sure what happened there.”Maybe they wanted to get into overtime. I’m not sure if they had meetings about that or what. But we stood in there. I don’t want to … because they are good guys. I just thought it was, in that third period, it was disgusting.” [link]

Torts apologized and will fork over $30k for the outburst.  New Yorkers will love him more.

Hey! I'm walking here!

So, anyone else want to have a go today?  Got some leftover 2011 aggro hanging around?  Let it go, it’s a new year.