The general reply has been, “Not all Isles fans are like that.” Of course they’re not. Many of my friends are Isles fans, and they’re none of the things these people exhibited Sunday – racist, homophobic, threatening. I rooted for the Caps on Long Island last winter. It’s not the best example: impromptu game = no Caps gear + stomach flu > limited cheering or movement for fear of throwing up on glass/players/TV. But I was in the front row! Even the Isles bench saw me cheering for the Caps! Sorry, John! Still, the Isles fans I met were all friendly and polite – and possibly worried I was contagious.

Maybe no one noticed me down there like a Hobbit.

That doesn’t remedy the awful truth of what happened Sunday. No one should ever have to feel unsafe, bullied or personally demeaned over team colors (or anything, but that’s a rant for another blog). I guarantee each team has a small percentage of belligerent (especially when drunk) fans “cheering” for them. You can’t pick your “family,” right? That doesn’t mean we will do nothing. We’ve seen these people. Maybe sat by them. I hope we do – and going forward, always will – intervene or at least reach out with support to the opposing fans. Because you can pick your friends – and these people look fun. I want to go to a game with them:

Photo from www.drivenbyboredom.com/bsides

It seems the Long Island situation was not properly addressed by arena security, but some Isles fans did their best to help. Good on those people. Especially because the number one person who would not condone poor sportsmanship is Captain Science Pants himself, John Tavares. In November, he personally reached out to a young Isles fan who was bullied in Winnipeg. Shame on fans of any team who don’t follow his example.

I hope the “bad apple” Isles fans in question had horrendous, vengeful hangovers and are crushingly ashamed. I also hope the Caps kick their team’s collective ass in Round 1. Karma! (Again, sorry John.) Either way, I’m anxious to hear if Caps fans attending Game 4 at the Coliseum tonight experience a more welcoming atmosphere generated by all the good Isles fans who don’t want to be painted with that same brush.

I’ve been to NHL games in 13 arenas: Boston, New York Islanders and Rangers, New Jersey, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Raleigh, Atlanta, Chicago, Colorado, San Jose, Los Angeles and Anaheim. People always ask me if I worry about wearing my Pens gear there. I’m not. As popular as the Penguins are, I am rarely alone even in my row or section, and there’s a healthy contingent of black and gold in every rink. But wearing a Crosby jersey means you’re begging to get razzed! Mr. Pants laughs; he thinks I’m waiting for someone to come at me, so I can try the moves I learned from Miss Congeniality. (S.I.N.G., ladies!)

And yet, my experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. I don’t mean chirping or some boos. That should be expected and, when handled well, is all part of the fun. But we should also expect it will stay good-natured and. I hate to think I’ve just been lucky – I prefer to think almost all hockey fans are better than those who threatened the Caps fans Sunday.

Don’t get mad, get on TV. (Photo credit: RMNB)

Instead of aggression, I’ve more often encountered the casual sexism that assumes women know nothing about the game. (Sid, your jersey is still not helping.) Luckily, I am equipped to sass that unsuspecting interloper right back to the bar. And I enjoy it.

Guy at Caps game (pointing to my Crosby jersey): “Wouldn’t you rather have a real man?”
Me (pointing toward the ice): “But Mike Green looks busy.”

I’m also ususally with a small group, or sometimes even by myself.  Going to a hockey game alone is a bit weird, but I honestly don’t mind, even in my away team kit. If it’s the difference between seeing the Pens or not, I’m going. At worst, I pay unparalleled attention to the game. At best, I make friends with the people around me. (If you haven’t guessed, I’ll talk to anyone. I’d talk to a tree.) Someone being rowdy would have to say it right to my face. It’s easier for a drunk or coward to shout anonymously at a group, which makes it all the worse that individuals within the Caps group were targeted Sunday with specific harassment.

As I said, most of my encounters have been great.In Atlanta, a guy on the upper level concourse and gave us his group’s unused tickets eight rows off the ice. Perhaps this is why ATL didn’t make it, but I got to watch a Malkin hat trick up close. Thank you, anonymous man! When the Pens scored in Anaheim and the crowd sang, “Who cares?”, all the Ducks fans behind us pointed down and yelled, “She does!” At a Caps game, I was one of only a few Pens jerseys in the VIP area when this guy walked by:

There was one WTF moment at a Pens vs. Rangers game at the Garden, circa Thanksgiving 2011. I was with a female friend and male cousin, both NYR fans. Some guy still felt the need to tell me he hopes Crosby gets run over by a car in front of his parents, so they have to watch him die. He actually said that out loud. Before I could even formulate a response, the other Rangers fans around us were telling the guy off. They apologized to me. One of them, some girl I didn’t know, even paid for my beer. Rangers fans! And me! Having a drink together! World peace is possible. (Also, the Penguins won.)

The only place I might not wear my Crosby jersey is Philly. Still, jersey or not, there’s no way I keep my mouth shut for three periods. Maybe it’s better to announce my intentions? I bet @DLF1021 and @sunnyinNJ, in their black and orange, make great bodyguards. This lady did okay.

Have you ever experienced a truly bad fan interaction at a game?  I certainly hope not, because we’re all hockey fans. We have a lot in common, and also a lot to lose if/when the teams and League struggle. We should stay “frenemies” whoe love to hate each other until the final buzzer. There are bad people everywhere, but I’d like to think enough of us are cool to drown them out. Hopefully, those are the Isles fans we hear about tonight.

(To those of you lobbying for a Cam Talbot feature, you’ll have to wait until they are playing someone I hate in the post-season. I’m not about to let Foxy Friday accidentally help a Ranger right now.)

Not every team’s fate is sealed, but we’re being reasonable with Wild Card possibilities. This likely means someone will go 9-0 and ruin our lives. Forgoing teams that could still make it (Bruins, FlapAntlers), here’s a last look at the Eastern Conference foxes we’ll miss come April 12. Enjoy them while you can.

Philadelphia Flyers

I WON’T MISS YOU. I don’t care how ginger you are, how curly, how shirtlessly beer pong proficient. Two more games vs Pittsburgh will be plenty, thanks. I don’t think about you when you’re not here.

But if UFA MDZ signs elsewhere, I might be allowed to miss him a little.  We’ll have to see how this skate-gash-to-the-neck (warning: gross photo) heals, because we’re only pretending to believe his “I got bitten by a shark” story for one scar. And we’re still waiting for him to request our help in finding dates.

New Jersey Devils

Adam Henrique’s cheekbones lead the team with 40 points this season, and he’s all smiles in this post-game interview from early March.  Maybe he could play baseball in the off-season, after this play.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Ryan “Shameless Charming Kid Prop” Johansen deserved  his own Foxy Friday after the All-Star Game. I mean, the Flying V? What else does a guy have to do? Blame Ekblad.  But someday, Ry – probably right around when you take this girl to the prom.

If you want to speed up the process, stop wearing hats. Because:

Carolina Hurricanes

After they beat the Pens 257-2 last night (close enough), I am not inclined to include the Hurricanes in this post. But Intern Jeff Skinner already volunteered to work all summer, since… well, you know. And I am weak. Plus someone needs to censor what Jeff does while wearing a white t-shirt.

Don’t just give it away, Jeff! You’re not a Kardashian. (Also, he’s scared of rides at the fair. He just wants to wait in line with you and hold your purse. We are raising this guy right.)

Honorable Mention: Jordan Staal. He reminded us yesterday that he still exists/is handsome. Video @penguins.

Toronto Maple Leafs

I don’t think anyone will miss the Leafs this season, especially because our favorite Leaf is Elisha Cuthbert and she’s back on our TV. (You can watch One Big Happy here.) The Leafs are definitely not one big anything, unless it’s a steaming pile of mess, and there is no happy. Even Joffrey Lupul is posting sad lyrics as status updates, like a maudlin 10th grader. [song]

But at least when the season ends, he still looks like this.

HOLD UP. Did you know you can rate Joffrey’s outfits and raise money for charity?! How have we never known this, we’ve just been doing it for free! Our work, going to waste! Visit lupulstyle.com to vote.

Buffalo Sabres

Poor Zach Bogosian, getting traded to Buffalo. Update NY still loves flannel and fried chicken, though.

At least he’s not alone. Marcus Foligno wants to know if, while you were watching his brother captain a squad of drafting drunks at the All-Star Game, you thought about the cold, windswept blue of his eyes [video]:

No? Well, there’s always next year. And alllllllllll summer. Next week we’ll say goodbye to what’s left of the West, then it’s on to the playoffs we go.

The cold kind of always bothered me anyway.

‘Cause, baby, now we got bad blood

Now, I could watch because I hate the Flyers. They always do just what I thought they would do. (Cue Zac Rinaldo.) But even being proven right gets old and I think I’m over it. The games are all reruns. My ragetank is full. What pours in now just overflows and runs onto the ground, a sad waste rather than a useful resource. I used to backhandedly relish every cheap shot and dirty hit by the Flyers, because they were always writing themselves as villains. Now I worry the Pens are one play, one lost cool, away from becoming that which I have always loved to hate.

Now we got problems

I could watch because rivalries generate high-stakes, hate-laced hockey simmering with the potential for glory and storylines that live in a fandom’s heart forever. The Penguins/Flyers are not that, not in a long time. Instead of reading like chapters in a book, their box scores read like rap sheets to be held against players in court.

And I don’t think we can solve them

A lot of people in our Twitter feed who were not watching said, “Sounds like I’m missing a good game!” They missed a wild one, for sure, but not good.  If you’ve ever been to Medieval Times and seen the jousting knights miss each other completely, only to “fall” theatrically off their horses as required by the script and rush into mock-battle, that’s what last night’s game looked like. Less mock in the battle, of course. But it was predictable, and even laughable at times.

You made a really deep cut

My interest might hold if the Penguins ever won, or if they were playing better hockey of late. Yet they can always be counted on to come apart against Philly. I used to do the same. It used to bother me that we weren’t winning games 10-0 based simply on moral superiority. But we play our worst against them, and they play their worst against us (which is the same as their best, because Flyers). It’s not fun. If the Pens had won in OT last night, instead of taking extraordinarily timed back-to-back penalties, I would have enjoyed a short revenge. But it wears off quickly now, harkening back to the awful 2012 playoff series that made me ashamed of hockey in general. (Obligatory reminder that I am not over James Neal’s behavior in that series and I never will be. Every time I despise a Flyer, my conscience rightly whispers, “Hypocrite.”)

And, baby, now we got bad blood.

I realized last night: I want to hate the Flyers the way I used to, when the games were at least a little about hockey and not just about bloodlust. When being right felt smug instead of sickening, and what happened on the scoreboard meant as much as what happened on the ice. Now, regardless of the outcome, I just feel dirty. My fight for this fight is worn out.

If only the Penguins felt the same, maybe they could win one.

Penguins take years off my life, defeat Blue Jackets in series: 4-2

What are we supposed to do?  NOT hope for leads because they get snatched away? NEVER want a power play for fear of giving up a shorty?  I don’t know which end is up except the Penguins won so hallelujah.  Columbus played their pants off and boy, were they having fun right up till that final buzzer sounded.

Can we still come to your All-Star Game?

I will say nice things about them in the off-season.  You guys can say them now. They’ll all be true and I won’t read them because I am busy going to Round 2.  The Pens found some dominance in Games 5 and 6 – even if they didn’t hold it for 60 minutes, it felt good to know it’s still there.

I AM SCORE THREE TIMES.

Besides CBJ, the off-season isn’t so bad.  Ask the Stars:

Source: Instagram, Instagram

Is there an Instagram filter called “Leg Hair” used on Seguin?  Also, is it weird the thing I’m most envious about in these photos are that it’s warm enough to wear shorts?  This winter has ruined me.  I digress.

Back to business: In case you missed it, Sidney Crosby has no goals. Maybe you didn’t hear last night’s commentators repeating it like a rosary or you failed to see the hilltop bonfires lit to spread the news from town to town.  It’s like the scene in 101 Dalmatians where every dog in London barks at the same time.

Yes, Captain.

The only real question is: how many goal-less playoff games until Superstitious Sid tosses the yellow Crocs?  (Answer: Never. They are hideously fun, so be glad for them. He could have gotten black ones.)

Silly, his black Crocs are for formal occasions only.

Brooks Orpik, it takes a man to stand front and center in pink-on-pink businesswear. Or, since it’s probably designer, salmon-on-salmon.  Elle Woods Approved.  Taylor Pyatt’s back there looking perfectly pastel acceptable in lavender and it’s no mistake Megna’s standing up front in that outfit. Just a mistake to stand next to Borts, the handsomest Penguin you’ve never heard of.

Only one beautifully bracketed addition today.  Everybody else is headed for a one-game cage match.  We’re going to need beer and bandages.

Day 14

Wild: 5; Avalanche: 2 [Series tied 3-3]

The Wild and Avalanche (two of the three NHL teams whose names are not plural) were locked at 2 goals a piece for nearly 30 breathless minutes.  Finally, with his second goal of the night and powered by chocolate milk, Zach Parise scored the goal Minnesota paid him $98 million over 13 years to score.  Well not the only goal, but you’ve got to get the first one first.  Add in two Wild ENs because Patrick Roy loves to pull goalies early and Minny forces this series back to Denver for Game 7.  My money is still on the Avs, but it’s not $98 million worth.

Kings: 4; Sharks: 1 [Series tied 3-3]

Three in a row – done. Why not four? The Kings scored three goals in 2:46 to break this game open and fuel what could be an historic comeback in playoff hockey.

Only three NHL teams have ever pulled off a four-straight resurrection [great stats on 0-3 comebacks].  Usually fans of the trailing team start fantasizing about this at the end of Game 3.  The last time I was still talking about it after Game 6?  Red Sox/Yankees, 2004 ALCS.  Chuck and I know it can be done.  The Kings clearly do too.  But the Sharks?  They’ll need to reset their heads and play like they were, not like they are.

Ask for Thursday off now, Wednesday is going to be a late one.

Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it.

Tonight now means more to me than ever.

Rangers at Flyers – Game 6.  You know what I’m going to do? Root for the Rangers.  Though I’d be fine with PHI taking this to seven and then losing, it’s a little too close.  I would rather Pens/NYR in Round 2. Pittsburgh showed composure in R1 through plenty of tough situations, so I have faith they can hold it.  Just something about the Flyers brings out the worst in me them… but GAH I kind of want to play the Flyers, I ADMIT IT!  BLOOD AND FIRE!

Someone should check on me later.

The networks have all kinds of on-hiatus hockey players pitching in as commentators during these playoffs.  Let us make the offer official: Alex Pietrangelo, you and your currently unemployed hair are welcome here anytime.

This look will be missed.

I think we could even use a pool man now that the Stars are available.  We don’t have a pool, but…

Leave Hartnell and the socks at home.

Ducks eliminate Stars: 3-2

This one hurt.  We were all falling a little in love with Dallas, or at least their Twitter account.  Let’s hope that doesn’t get a summer vacation.

Like so many game in this post-season, the Stars had this one and they blew it.  The Ducks scored two goals in the last 2:10 to tie the game, then won it shortly into overtime.  It’s all summed by this beard and the scoreboard which I’ve helpfully left visible for anyone who likes to wallow in misery.

99% beard, 1% brows

It’s hard for me to understand the rage Corey Perry causes people without watching him in a long series against a single team.  Now I really get why he’s good at it and why other fans hate him.  Round 2 will be an in-state series vs. the Kings or Sharks.

We’ll never be far from an In-N-Out Burger!

Blackhawks eliminate Blues: 4-2

Sorry Blues.  (I’m not, not at all.)  After being up 2-0 in the series, they dropped four in a row to the defending Champs and are on their way to summer.  Here’s what you need to know about Chicago going into Round 2.  Patrick Kane can score in OT [video].  Jonathan Toews can score in OT on a breakaway:

gif by @cjzero

And Patrick Sharp can score on a breakaway while someone puts their stick blade in his perfect face:

gif by sportsblogging.tumblr.com

Bruins eliminate Red Wings: 4-1

Oh happy Chuck.  How nice it must be to root for a team withs so few weaknesses and also the ability to fix them.  In Game 1, the Bruins played with all the speed of Red Sox’s David Ortiz.  (Non-baseball fans, this is sarcasm.  The man cannot run.)  Starting in Game 2, they went faster… and it worked.  They will face the Canadiens for the 257th time in NHL playoff history.  Everyone hates each other, prepare to die.

Video: Bergy has some sleepy-voiced things to say.

Thus the bracket has been bracketed three more times.  For the record, so far I’ve been right 100% of the time.  Chuck is currently at 75% since she didn’t pick the Canadiens.  She would never pick those jerks.

For those of us with teams still battling to the pain:

Rangers lead Flyers: 3-2

The Flyers figured how to win once at MSG and they’ll need to do it again to survive this series.  But first, they have to win Tuesday night at home.  They held the NYR to only 22 shots Sunday, but the Rangers capitalized on what few chances their persistence and speed (and Flyer mistakes) could generate.

While I want both teams gone, is there anyway they could just leave the beard?

Sunday post-game interview: Gingertime Sadness

Penguins take series lead over Blue Jackets: 3-2

I ditched a bachelorette party mid-bar crawl to catch the end of this.  Of course I refused to leave even after Letang’s EN goal just in case.  Kunitz had 1G, 1A plus 7 SOG and 6 hits.  Throw that body around, Sock Monkey!  Fleury bounced back (See? SEEEEEE???) stopping 23 of 24, while the Pengins had a whopping 50 shots.  Game 6 Monday night, I’ll be on the floor of my living room in a fort made of pizza boxes.

Dog days are over?

Kings stay alive again, still trail Sharks: 3-2

Well what do you know, the Kings have staved off elimination twice now.  The first four games of the series averaged 7.75 goals per game.  Jonathan Quick gave up 16G in that stretch, but found his mojo Saturday and the Kings won 3-0 in an orderly fashion.  Can they do it again Monday night or will the Kings leave LA’s perpetual summer for regular old summer somewhere else?

Pelvic thrust.

Avalanche take lead over Wild, Errrrrrybody Mad: 3-2

Remember me raging about the disallowed Tampa Bay goal back a ways?  Well the Wild had plenty to say about this oh-so-close, offsides-or-on moment with less than 1:30 to go in Game 5.  There was no call on the play, so of course the Avs scored and forced overtime.

Image by @johncanref

Offside say the Wild media | Inconclusive say the Avs media

If the Wild had won, we wouldn’t still be talking about this.  Too bad the Avs have TriWizard Tournament hopeful Nathan MacKinnon with his 2nd goal (and League-leading 10th point) of the playoffs.

Monday night Colorado will have the chance to reach Round 2 for the first time in 6 years.  Guess who else they’ll very likely have?

Hey girl.

Duchene’s go/no-go will be announced after the morning skate.  We say go.

What this all means is that three more bracket spots could be locked Monday night, or any of three series could need a Game 7.  I could need blood pressure medication.  Just another day in the playoffs.  Stay ready.

Canadiens: 4; Lightning: 3 [Habs win series 4-0]

It looked like OT until Max Pacioretty, who I still have trouble remembering is American, scored his first ever playoff goal with 43 seconds left in the third.

And the crowd goes wild.  Literally.  I don’t care for/about the Habs but a moment like that melts my heart.  Much has been made of the Habs being the only Canadian team in the post-season, and they haven’t advanced past the first round since 2010. They become 2014’s first playoff bracket move:

Farewell to the Bolts, whose beards we will not get to enjoy.  We’ll give Stamkos a week to mope then we expect daily Gary Roberts workout videos.

You’re welcome.

So Lightning fans, who will you root for now?

Bruins: 3; Detroit: 0 [Bruins lead series 2-1]

The Canadiens will await the winner of this series, which is getting fiesty slimy.  In the grand Detroit tradition of throwing octopi on the ice, a fan tossed one during the anthem.  Chances are it wasn’t Justin Verlander because it came up short, sliding gently into Tuukka Rask’s skate like it was afraid of becoming sushi.  Tuukka gave it a well-deserved look of disgust and proceeded to beat the Red Wings in reply.

Gif by Twitter/@PeteBlackburn

Brad Marchand barely dodged a potentially terrible knee-on-knee hit from Brendan Smith – then went down and grabbed the wrong leg.  I have to mention it, you know that about me.  Video/Gif/weaksauce explanation at CBS Sports.  Better examination on Days of Y’Orr, including a Marchand gif that makes me want to stab myself in the face.

Rangers: 4; Flyers: 1 [NYR lead series 2-1]

This game can be summed up in two images:

I’m still rooting for everyone to lose but even I had a little bit of fun at the end there.

Sharks: 4; Kings: 3 [Sharks lead series 3-0]

It took OT and by far the Kings’ best result in this series, but in the end it was still the Sharks and their weird beard dreams taking a chokehold lead on this series.  BU’s Matt Nieto scored his first playoff goal last night – yay for days!  The Kings will try to stay alive Thursday night.

HNIC Bio: Matt Nieto

Read this adorable Hertl/Nieto rookie BFF story from the SJ Mercury News.  They better have those Minions in the locker room.

For tonight…

Pens and Blue Jackets are up first thing evening, as if anyone has recovered from Saturday night.  The Stars and Ducks are on early (8PM ET), so you can see Jamie Benn’s face/Jordie Benn’s beard and if they’re able to even that series.  The Blackhawks will try to take two of two at home from St. Louis in the not-quite-so late game (9:30 PM ET).

These little recaps are really helping make sure I have at least looked at every playoff game.  That said, they are 3-minute looks.  If I miss something good, let me know!  I can’t be everywhere and Mr. Pants is already really tired of the playoffs.

Blues:4, Blackhawks: 3

Look,  overtime is one thing.  Triple overtime is two more things but is there anything more annoying than waiting 17 minutes of intermission in the middle of the  damned night just for someone to win it 30 seconds into the next extra frame?

Aside from being the team that loses that way, I mean.

Coach Q, how do you feel about this game?

I can’t stop laughing.  I hope Joey, the Junior Reporter didn’t see that!

Avalanche: 5, Wild: 4

Since all the cool kids who won the Cup last year were going to OT, the Paul Stastny of the Avs thought that sounded brilliant.  He tied it with 14 seconds left [video].  GAH, that is what Playoffs are about!  Paul enjoyed that so much, he did it again.

Look at Nathan MacKinnon with the hugJUMPhugJUMPhugJUMP.  19 year old puppy.

Rangers; 4, Flyers: 1

I hate everyone but wow, Giroux’s beard is already amazing.  It was the only positive thing about this game for the Flyers, who gave up goals 2 and 3 in 47 seconds while I was brushing my teeth.  If they Flyers could do that every time I left the room, I’d stay out my whole life.

G’s beard looks even more orange because Jakub Voracek and Scott Hartnell have dyed their beards black for the playoffs.  I’m torn between saying, “Well they can’t look worse.” and “That was cool when Mike Green did it.”  Photos by the only officially Flyers-related person we like: @sbaickerCSN.

Just to be fair:  The Rangers changed their homepage to look like Tumblr and I hate that too.  Sad Brad Richards had three points and I bet he went home and laughed while making 6 AM tee times under the name “Tortorella” at every golf course within 50 miles of wherever Torts lives.

Sharks: 6, Kings: 3

This game was “mostly dead” in the first with the Sharks up 3-0.  In the second, they scored 2 more.  But to start the third period, the Kings came out and got 3 goals.  I don’t know if it felt like they could really climb the entire hill (thoughts? I was asleep.) but that has got to help their confidence in an otherwise brutal loss.

Tomas Hertl had one of the Sharks’ goals – looks like those water aerobics he used to recover from injury really paid off.

The Bruins kick things off against the Red Wings tonight (finally!), while the Habs/Bolts and Ducks/Stars will go again.  Ryan Getzlaf expected to be in the lineup with his new Frankenface.

Enjoy!  I hope all of your teams lose!

I have to post this inconceivable Giroux goal from last night. It made SportCenter’s Top 10 plays – and not SportsCentre (say it like you’re French) that you Canadians have up north with your Cabbie and your highlights.  I’m talking about American SportsCenter where hockey might as well be knitting for all the coverage it ever gets.

Holy Hannah, that is a goal and a half.  He should get extra points – and not just for being ginger.  Giroux’s Hail Mary was the game-winner, scored with under 2 minutes left to cap a 5-goal third period comeback for the Flyers in which Claude had 4 points (2G, 2A).

WHEW.  Did I mention it was the 100th goal of his career?  He did more in 20 minutes than I do in week.

The case for spray tanning.

Here’s G post-game [video], telling press he hadn’t seen the goal and didn’t know what happened. I imagine the Blue Jackets were across the hall saying the same damned thing (then burning the video).

The Flyers currently rank 22 in Goals For, with 85 total on the season.  Of those, they’ve scored 29 goals in December (9 games), making this month’s average 3.2 goals-for per game.  That’s up from 1.8 GF/G in October and 2.5 in November.  For a team that’s had 16 one-goal contests this season (8W, 8L) a consistent increase in average scoring could translate to a lot of points.  Philly has climbed to 8th in the East and would have a playoff spot as of today.

My point?  Maybe nothing.  Recreational stats math.  Or the Flyers are probably coming for us because that’s my nightmare.

But:

While I can, I have to enjoy this.

Even this Instagram photo of gratuitous ginger has no power over me today.

Meanwhile in the West… remember the west?  Before they playoffs?  It seems like a hundred years since I’ve seen these teams, but they certainly remember how to win.

The Blues were undefeated until last night too, when the Sharks beat them to stay flawless – and mildly insane.  Admit it, the Sharks are crazy people.  In a good, wildly-bearded and foul-mouthed way.

So, how’s your team doing so far?  Still feeling the buzz off-season optimism, or is the sleepy, “this is going to hurt tomorrow” feeling starting to creep in early?

I feel good.  But that might still be about the Rangers and Flyers losing.

I was going to talk about Danny Briere’s concussion and No Trade Clause, but I typed “No Trade Claude.”  Why yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

It’s April, the Flyers are last in the Atlantic and I… won’t say anything mean.  I still don’t like them and that’s all.

However, as you know, my traitorous heart does love Danny Briere.  It’s beyond reason.  Out since suffering a concussion in practice on March 23, Danny was back on the ice with the team yesterday.  He could play as soon as Saturday vs. Buffalo. [link]

Danny talks about his injury and the process of returning here.

Stop it, stop being perfect.

Now, why do I even mention this?

1) Concussions can go to hell.  For any player on any team… just the word turns my stomach.

2) I have a not-so-secret wish for the Flyers to make the playoffs and face Pittsburgh in the first round.  I shouldn’t play with fire, but I’d love see the Pens redeem themselves for last year’s debacle.

3) Will Danny get traded to somewhere I can love him openly?

MOST IMPORTANT.  There has been a lot of talk about Briere’s future with the Flyers.  His contract is $6.5 million with two years left (Update: WRONG. Read comment below from KC!).  Last season, Danny was way off his goal-scoring pace, despite personally terrorizing me during the playoffs.  (Seriously – Briere got 16 G in 70 games all year, then 8 G in 11 games during the playoffs.)  He’s also 35, which is NOT old because we are NOT old but we’re almost that old.  In a few years.

Rumors flew that multiple teams were interested in acquiring Briere before the trade deadline, but Danny said publicly he would not waive his No Trade Claude Clause (UPDATE: It’s a No Movement Claude, which means no AHL either. Thanks Jess.).  The man loves Jersey, okay?  His adorakids go to school there, Gingeroux is there, it’s precious.  There was speculation the Flyers might try to push him [link].   If there were ever a viable window to acquire value in exchange for Briere… it passed when he got hurt.

He traded one problem for another.

Now the best/worst solution is for Danny to come back and play well.  He could still help the Flyers make the playoffs.  At the same time, it may prove his viability to other teams.  The better he looks, the more they’ll offer and the harder Philly might lean on him to accept.  Late career trades and waived NTCs are the new dance crazes, don’t you know?

There is also the new CBA’s Amnesty Clause, which the Flyers could use to buy out Danny’s contract this summer.  He’d still get $6.5 mil/year, but the Flyers would free up that amount under their salary cap. [link, link]  They’ d rather have something to show that money, but at least the Amnesty Clause would let them spend it twice.

I don’t know what to feel.

Does anyone know: If the Flyers buy out Briere under the Amnesty Clause, does he become a UFA (like with a regular buyout)?  Could he get $6.5 mill/year AND play somewhere else?  If that’s true, I wouldn’t waive my NTC either. I’d make the Flyers play me or pay me, because I know I can get paid to play somewhere else when it’s over.

(Best we can figure, he’d get 2/3 of $5 million.  See below.)

That’s crazy.

Now we’re past the trade deadline, and Danny is still a Flyer.  If he storms the playoffs again, maybe he convinces the Flyers not to use the Amnesty Clause.  He could scrape into next season and get another crack at… what?  Being worth $6.5 million?  It seems unlikely.  The Flyers need that money and they need it this summer, when teams are more willing to negotiate.

Of course, this Flyers’ summer might be only 10 games away.  Philly fans have had a rough year – we know a few, and like them anyway.  Lord knows we’ve all been there.  So here’s Captain Claude saying nice things about them in perhaps the most orange environment even caught on film.

If Danny gets a buyout or waives his NTC, I promise you a very Persuasive Power Point Presentation on why he should come to one of my teams, co-written by @linzerellak (as suggested by @alisonsykora).

Rick Nash was all…

And I was all…

Then Rick Nash scored his 301st career goal.

He was all…

And I was all…

Flyers did managed to score two goals – including one that one off of Jake Voracek’s face – but alas it was not enough.

As expected, Nashty got the Broadway Hat.  Just me or is that hat looking a little worse for wear?

Also, I LOVE the way he always just glances back at the camera as if to say “Hey Chuck.  I see you there.” His eyes stare into my soul.

In other game notes…

• John Tortorella is a winner.  Not only did he get his 400th NHL win but he also re-energized the Rangers’ offence with a little Cupid Shuffle.  Torts moved Derek Stepan in center with Nash and Ryan Gosling Carl Hagelin on the wings.  The result? Four of the five Rangers goals.
• Nash might have got the milestone goal but Stepan was by far the Rangers’ best player on the ice.  He was everywhere and all up in the game like Pooh up in the honey pot.
• Inigo better get it together.  And soon.  Judging from the in-game interview that Tortorella gave during the 2nd period, I get the distinct feeling that the Fonz is not particularly pleased with the way that Brian Boyle has been playing.  Then they cut to Boyle looking all sad panda on the bench. Could a healthy scratch be coming soon?
• Taylor Pyatt is still foxy.

• Wayne Simmons is one tough BAMF.  Not only did he take a puck to face earlier in the game that required stitches, but then in the 3rd, he got clipped AGAIN in the face by Brian Boyle’s errant stick.  Wayne Simmons was all….

At 16-13-3, the Rangers have 35 points, but are still languishing toward the bottom of the Eastern Conference (two points ahead of the ninth-place New York Islanders.)  Perhaps these new line combinations will reinvigorate the streaky Rangers’ offense. The Rangers will visit the Ottawa Senators on Thursday.

For the Flyers, the outlook looks bleak.  The loss, combined with the Tampa Bay Lightning’s 2-0 win against the Buffalo Sabres, dropped the Flyers (13-17-2) into 14th place in the East. With Briere out with a concussion and Bryzgalov’s inconsistency, the malaise that has plagued the Flyers all season does not look to be going away any time soon. The Flyers host the Islanders, Boston Bruins and Washington Capitals later this week.

The Caps are so frustratingly bad right now that I swore I would not go tonight’s game.  Despite taking 8 penalties in the first 34 minutes of last night’s match vs. Toronto, they managed to drag a one goal lead into the third period… and still blew it.  The postmortem is here – you’ve been warned.

So I’m boycotting.  Save money, right?  Make sound financial decisions while being warm and well fed in the comfort of my own home?

Trouble is, tonight is against the Flyers.

Pam is right, of course.  I’m so weak!  To make matters worse, the Flyers have conspired against me.

Danny will play on on Claude’s line tonight [link].

Supposedly it’s an attempt to kickstart the Flyers anemic offense, which is averaging just 2 goals per game and currently ranked 26th overall.  Last year’s leading goal scorer Scott Hartnell is out 4-6 weeks with a broken foot.  No Philly player has over 5 total points.  They’re 2-5 on the year.

Okay, it’s bad.  But it’s still just a cover story to make this possible…

… and to make sure I have to go.  What does Claude think of this?

.gif by firedupflyeredup.tumblr.com

It’s Date Night in DC.  [Giroux interview – Briere interview]

The trouble is that I don’t want the Flyers hugging!  Not against the Caps, not against anyone – except the Rangers, and then I feel a general, tidal sort of rage that could swamp anyone in it’s path.

I don’t want to see a ‘strolling across your devastated defense’ arm-in-arm…

Or a ‘nice try, Jeff Schultz’ fist-bump…

Nothing.  Not even reenacting this best gif ever:

Can the Caps get it together?  Neuvirth was the one bright spot last night – he stopped a few beauties, kept his team in the game.  Perhaps it’s the right recipe: the Caps biggest strength in goal vs. the Flyers biggest weakness on offense.

At 1-5-1 on the season, the Caps need something to go right.  Tonight kicks off a 3-game home stand that includes the Penguins on Sunday (whoop!) and a rematch with Toronto.  Tonight could be the night.

That’s what I’ll be telling myself later, from the Flyers side of the pre-game skate.

WRONG.

Greetings from the StruggleBus.  Last night’s Capitals home opener looked a lot like their season opener in Tampa Bay.  As in: I reminded myself that the upside to losing is ticket prices stay low.

The Caps are not, by any means, the only team aboard this bus.  They are not even surprising.  Very early in this abbreviated season, the Flyers are having a breakdown as well.

Philly has a league high -8 overall goal deficit.  Their goaltending problem is a problem, but not if they can’t score.

The Rangers also bought a ticket for this ride.  They’re 0-2, gave up 6 goals to the Penguins and pulled Lundqvist in the 2nd period.  Tonight they rematch against Boston, who beat them 3-1 in the first game of the year.

People expect a lot from Philly and NY – rightfully so.  What about Carolina?

The Hurricanes have scored 2 goals, while giving up 9.  That is not the #11 we were hoping for down south.

It’s too soon to panic, right?  Teams are just shaking off the rust, getting their legs underneath them.  We hope.  The Caps issues last night were reminiscent of last season – bad outlet passes, no one in front of the net, sloppy entering the offensive zone – but magnified.  They’re operating under a new coach and a new system, with new guys on the ice.

Well, not all new guys.

Matt Henricks vs. The World went 3 rounds last night – 2 fights and 1 goal.

But some.  The Caps called up Tomas Kundratek on Monday to replace Jack Hillen, injured in the first game.

HELLO.  Also, how did you get on the ice when I’ve never heard of you?  Originally a Rangers prospect and most recently of the Hershey Bears, Tomas played 5 games for the Caps in 2011-2012… while I as on my actual honeymoon.  That explains it.  No one aces every class in the first week of school.

Out west, the Kings, Flames and Coyotes are all winless thus far.

Derping to Donuts

No one wants to raise the banner and get spanked, but it happened in LA.  The Kings had real goal-scoring issues all of last regular season, and have just three on this one.  The Coyotes have scored 7 and still lost both games.

I wouldn’t make it long as a Caps fan if I got down about every few bad games.  What about you other fans?  Are these growing pains, or symptoms of a larger illness?  The Rangers and Flyers aren’t in danger of losing butts in seats over a shaky start.  The Kings can ride the Cup train for a bit.  Calgary will obviously be fine even if they’re bad.  The Coyotes obviously won’t even if they’re great.  The Caps weren’t full last night, and tickets for tomorrow start at $23 on StubHub.  Those are middle-of-the-season, ennui-and-frustration prices.

Not what we want to see squashed on the windshield of our shiny new season.

Claude Giroux named Captain of the Flyers

Of course, you know that already [Press Release].  Personally I would have gone with Briere (shocking).  Can our Flyer fan friends weigh on Claude’s locker room leadership type?  It’s certainly good marketing sense to make your highest profile player captain – see Crosby, Toews, Landeskog.

I hope someone pranks him by putting a G on his jersey Saturday.  G for Giroux and C for Crosby… this is going to be The Perfect Game.

Here’s The Ginge with his short hair covered by a hat.  What do we think?

More importantly, what is this girl thinking?

Yup, same thing we are.  She even gets a question in… complete with the half blush/smile that G would earn from anyone with two X chromosomes. [video]

This girl rules.  Smart, hockey oriented, not impervious to masculinity.  We want to be friends with her.  She can keep us informed on Claude and the Flyers while we spend the whole time mumbling curses and boiling bats wings in the office basement.

Update: You guys are quick.  That is Sarah Baicker, who covers the Flyers for Comcast Sportsnet.  You can follow her at @sbaickerCSN.  We suggest you do.

Until Saturday, capitaine…

Oh, you read all the way to the bottom and thought I might not mention Jordan Eberle!  Mwahahaha.  I got my Ebs shirt in the mail yesterday… and Ebs got the A in Edmonton.  He’ll be the Oilers full-time alternate captain, while Taylor Hall and Nick Schultz share the other one.  [Interview Video]

That’s my boy! #TeamEbs 

You #TeamHall folks can submit a question here, for Taylor’s “Ask an Oiler” feature tomorrow.  Someone ask for his all-time clumsiest moment, it must be a whopper.

It doesn’t hurt if you’ve got a smile like Flower’s, either.

Also doing good work for the holidays – the Blackhawks, helping the Greater Chicago Food Depository [link].

Jon’s getting way too much hand-in-pocket there, I think he needs smaller jeans (paging James Neal!).  Or more squats.

.gif by @jobiegirl6

Can we get that for Christmas, Tazer?

The best charity event so far?  Scott Hartnell beat James van Riemsdyk to raise money for Hurricane Sandy relief [link].  Hartnell raised $22k to JvR’s $18k… so JvR went shopping today at the Mall of America, in full hockey gear.

When there’s no hockey on, it’s hard to dislike the Flyers (and former Flyers).

The NHLPA Goals & Dreams Fund and RBC Play Hockey program have their charity game tonight in Toronto.  Alison will be there taking photos for us and trying not to get arrested.

If team Stamkos/Neal isn’t enough, Steven said in an interview this week: “Hopefully we get back because I’m getting too big in the gym working with Gary [Roberts].'” [link]

And I was said:

by toewslake.tumblr.com

If you see a great hockey-related holiday story, send it to us!  Since I can’t just check team websites, there are surely a lot I’m missing.

Nope.  Claude Giroux, how dare you cut your glorious, unruly mop of hair?  And honestly, how small is your waist?!

But really.

It’s not exactly the right style, but I burst into a chorus of Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” when I first saw these pictures.  This hair is made for 50’s buttoned-up Brylcreem perfection.

It doesn’t really mess well, and if you wear a helmet all the time… well, we’ll see.  Euro styling is having the opposite effect on Seguin and I think we prefer it.

Still, ginger is ginger.

with Hunter Hayes

But more ginger is better.

And G’s is the best.

Sigh.  My world is practically ginger-free without hockey and that is a sad, monochromatic thing.  I think I’ll watch Brave for inspiration.

(Thanks to everyone who sent us these.  This lockout has not slowed your internet sleuthing.)

Hold on, I can’t stop laughing.

Max is one commercial away from being the Old Spice guy at this point.  Sexy as all get out, no shame and knows that women love a guy with a sense of humor.  Clearly his friends are in love with him – listen to them in the background.

You are powerless to resist.

Also, archery is hot.  Katniss and Brave aside, Disney’s Robin Hood with the foxes is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I even took archery lessons, and Max is good.  Really good.  The jug of water is close range but to hit something small and moving?  Maybe they did twenty takes, or just got really, really lucky.

Be honest, you’re thinking about getting really lucky too.

Shot through the heart.

Max doesn’t crack a smile in this or the one-finger push-up workout video.  Deadpan reaction shots kill me!  I’m crying/laughing while my brain sings “Every Thing I (I Do It For You).”  Thanks to Talbo for 52 seconds of forgetting the lockout.  When is Giroux going to make a guest-appearance in one of these gems?  Maybe they make plates at Color Me Mine or try gator wrestling?

For further lockout distraction homework, I suggest the BBC Robin Hood series from a few years back.  You will not be disappointed (and you can borrow my DVDs).  Just like real life –  where I should hate the Flyers bad guys by definition – I am so Team Gisbourne/Allan that it confuses and frightens me.

And there is archery.  See?  Happens every day.

Thanks to everyone who sent this to us – Melissa (@M_Gagermeier), Macy (@WestSideZag), Deb (@DLF1021) and Amanda (@amandalitty).  What are you guys, on Max’s mailing list?

Since I have nothing better to do than troll the internet while self-medicating with Taylor Swift songs, I’ve found a few gems.  The kind that make you smile and cry at the same time.

Bleacher Report: 50 Storylines the NHL Lockout is Making Us Miss

It took me a few tries to get through the whole list, I was getting so upset.  Is/Was this the year that Ebs-Hall-RNH and the Oilers get that turnaround?  Is there something uglier than Nashville’s third jersey waiting for us?  How about Movember – WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!  Then this:

Can we get a close-up?

Grilled Cheese vs. PB&J

Aaaggghhhwellllp.  That is so hot.  I had almost forgotten that I ship this hatred as much as any bromance in the League.  Just NOT THE FACE, okay?  Don’t mess up my view from this side of the glass.

Not that I’ve forgotten how morning-after, walk-of-shame bad it looked for the Pens at the end of last season.  Or the fact that Giroux was so scary good he should have at least been nominated for the Hart Trophy.  That is some blasphemy coming from a Pens fan who is also completely fanflail over Stamkos.  But it’s true!  I hate him, I hate him, he’s amazing.  GAH!

Giroux making Sid’s android emotion chip short circuit always reminds me of:

How’s the wrist holding up?

The best part of this?  It’s not going anywhere.  No matter how long it takes to get back to hockey, these two will still hate each other.  It’ll even get better, since Sid will be back in full force and full-time (however long that is).  Bonus for me: concentrating on the Pens/Flyers rivalry eases my traitorous heartache about loving the Capitals at the same time.  Slut.

So in these dark days, hold on to the fact that life will be this:

vs. this again someday.

Dear Universe, Please Hurry. Love, Pants (#teamcrosby)

In non-140 character speak, he has accepted their offer to be paid like this:

The Predators have seven days to match the offer.  If they don’t, they’ll get 4 first-round draft picks from the Flyers.

Holy cow, people.  First off, the Preds went to arbitration last season because they didn’t want to pay Weber $7+ million for 3 years.  Too bad, he was awarded $7.5 million for 2011-12.  This $110/million deal averages to $7.86 million a year.  Weber will be 27 when the season starts and before he turns 33, over 72% of the contract will have been paid out.  Astronomical numbers, but the average and the front-loading sound like pretty good deals.  In 7-10 years from now, $6 million/year will probably be peanuts compared to what the kids are getting paid.  After that $13 million/year bonus disappears in 4 years, Weber becomes even more attractive trade bait.

More attractive than this?

 My head hurts.

Bonuses count against the salary cap.  The Preds have room under their cap for a deal like this.  Here’s the best part: it’s front-loaded to discourage the Predators from signing because… Weber will earn $27 million in the first *calendar* year of this deal.  WTF, how is that possible? [link]  Here’s how:

If they match, the Preds would have him for 14 years.  But does Weber want to stay in NSH?  Arbitration last summer, would have been UFA next summer, and now this.  Is Shea sick of waiting for a deal, or trying to jump ship?

And if the Preds match, they have to keep Weber for one season before trying to trade.  That one season will cost them $27 million.  Unhappy player vs a shit-ton of money?  I’d give anything to know what Weber’s feeling on Nashville really is.

Bigger meets BetterFasterMore.

The really important part of this conversation is: STAY OUT OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, SHEA WEBER.

This is my nightmare.  Shea Weber as a Flyer.  Ice crews trained to squeegee my favorite players’ faces/blood/talent off the glass in arenas up and down the eastern seaboard.  Watching every game through my fingers.  Knowing Sid is out there six games against this guy, instead of one.  Or Nicky B.  Anyone.  Oh God.

Sorry, Blackhawks.  Keep your heads up out there.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled day of watching Twitter so see what happens next.  I don’t know if this post even makes sense after so many numbers.

And no more of this:

Okay, maybe one more:

We extend sympathies to our Flyers fans.  Yes really, even though I hate them.  Losing sucks no matter if you’re my team or a great looking guy in an ugly suit.  Reasons and examinations for the loss, please report immediately to October where you’re all meaningless.

A big congratulations to our Devils fans.  NJ gave a huge performance, and frankly their discipline scares the crap out of me.  After watching the Flyers expose every single Penguins weakness then strip and sell them for parts, I thought they were rolling.  But NJ never gave Philly an inch, never let them crack that shell.  On top of great hockey, they played a great mental game.

The Devils await the winner of the Rangers/Capitals series.  I can’t say anything else for fear of a jinx, but more on this after round two is over.