If you want me girl let me know…

Can’t lose with an *N Sync joke, right? That should be a slam dunk.

But no.

Got a phil-ing about some nachos in this picture.

Bahahasnortlaughahaha! PHIL-ings! I’ve got Phil-ings about your bowl haircut and what you insist on wearing, Kessel, but nothing this funny. I see him laughing at all the guys traded to/from the Leafs today, while at the same time silently shaking his head, “No, God no!” at Stamkos.

This one also made me snarf. The word “horn” always makes me laugh like a 7th grader in health class-slash-Georgia Nicholson.

Tell me someone’s read Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging.

The Sid card is cute…

C is for 4 point games and other things that don’t start with C.

But it’s not as good or true as this:

just say yes

Here are all the Penguins Valentine’s. Honorable mention for the adoration derp they caught on Kris Letang’s face:

Me, when I see the sign for In-N-Out Burger.

You know I hate to say it, but some of these Flyers Valentine’s are pretty funny. If you’re into orange and liking things you hate.

Cupid Giroux should have matching wrist casts. If you can play beer pong…

I assume these Bolts cards are from 2016, because if people have been saying “bae” for over a year I’ll feel even more despair about American culture. (Update: These are from last year. I give up on you, American youth.)

When the NHL adopts it, you know a trend is over.

Did I miss any teams that have 2016 cards? The Predators did Valentines last year [link], but I’m not sure how they could top the weird and scared feeling this conveyed:

There are conventions for this kind of mascot stuff.

We’ll be on the lookout for more cards this week, even thought all our PHIL-ings may be committed already.

I have high hopes for a pirate Halloween costume.

Take this in: Sidney Crosby woke up on roster photo day and did not shave. Good gosh. He probably ironed the folds in his living room curtains, ate a PB&J at exactly 8:07 AM, put his clothes on in order of threadcount, but he did not shave. Crazy, right?

No. Because everyone’s doing it.

And for JT, I’m thinking Indiana Jones for Halloween.

Literally everyone. John Tavares, who are you? Is that a kinda-beard? For someone who doesn’t know what hipsters are, you’re looking pretty… pretty. Like a pumpkin spice latte wrapped in a houndstooth scarf that insists on riding its bike until the first snow falls. Gotta get to that middle school science class you’re teaching!

You know, Indiana Jones was a kind of science teacher.

Please let scruff be this season’s thing. We’ve had long hair and tattoos creeping toward necks-slash-featuring graveyards and… #ScruffWatch2015, please. A season-long build up to BeardWatch could be just the inspiration we all need!

Right guy, wrong movie.

Here are links if you’re the type to enjoy a HUGE version of Sid’s photo. Just give up, everyone else. (There appear to be a few pixels missing right under his nose. Clearly a Flyers fan Photoshop hack, yes?)  Here’s the entire Penguins headshot gallery.

Also enjoy the Islanders roster, looking monochromatically dramatic.

These pictures are gigantic. You could make a life-sized cardboard cutout of John Tavares… and marry it. (I say “you” because I am already married. Is it polygamy to marry a photo? What if it just rides shotgun while I drive in the carpool lane?)

“Listen up Fives, a Ten is speaking.”

[Note: I can’t find a single .gif of Princess Unikitty from The Lego Movie saying, “Marry a marshmallow!” and my despair nearly derailed this whole post.]

As promised.

For heaven’s sake, even Kessel is rocking a gingerbeard, because he reads important news sources like this blog. Let the makeover begin.

Make that a Pittsburgh Ten

Hockey is upon us and I, for one, am not ready. Starbucks can sling all the pumpkin spice mochachocalattas they want, but it just doesn’t feel like fall until I see this:

Okay, now it’s fall.

Our friend Heather is a spare-time ace photographer, and took these gorgeous shots at Penguins training camp. In the spirit of autumn, we are very thankful! Follow her at @HeatherWeikel to see more photos throughout the season.

More than missing hockey, I’ve missed seeing this:

And obviously someone studied up on our blog before coming to Pittsburgh. This is almost a makeover right? I mean, maybe Phil’s a DIY kind of guy, and took on his own makeover the way we decorate our houses: Pinterest. Gingerbeards are in, friend. Long may yours reign. (Call us before you buy clothes, though. And don’t ask Crosby if your pants fit okay.)

In case you were worried the departure of absurdly handsome Robert Bortuzzo would dampen Sunshine’s smile, Heather has proven otherwise.

Though we trust he’ll be sneaking in a St. Louis game now and then – with us, of course.

While Geno is just wishing there were a porpoise or an armadillo around to hug.

We’re all looking forward to the season… and Sid knows it.

If I did this right (unlikely, TBH), you can click on any photo for a super hi-res version. All photos belong to Heather, so please Tweet her if you’d like to use one, see more or just say, “MORE PLEASE.”

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.
2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.
3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Luckily I’m good at To Do Lists.  They calm my nerves.  Those and the ice cream sundae I just sent Intern Jeff Skinner to make.  So, in order of impending and importance:

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.

Good thing too, because they owe me one for that performance in Chicago.  @raedanda always puts up with me at these games.

2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.

The rumor mill is buzzing.  What’s the real price tag for NYR captain Ryan Callahan? Does Martin Brodeur intend to play forever [link]?  Ryan Kesler may be on the block, but for Alison’s sake, hope the Penguins bid does not include Brandon Sutter [link].  RK17 has allegedly waived his No Trade Clause for select teams, including PIT, NYR and PHI [link].

Dustin Penner just became a Capital, no idea who for, or if there is any end to the National Pancake Day jokes in sight.  I better publish this now before anything else changes.

Word from last week is Martin St. Louis requested a trade – only to the Rangers.

WHATNODON’TDOIT!  If this happens, I will henceforth call him only by his full name.  Goodbye forever, Squishy.

Who else?  The only instrument left in the Islanders orchestra is a sad trombone, with word out they’ll move impending UFAs Thomas Vanek and Andy MacDonald [link].  Other names being shopped include Stastny, Moulson, Hemsky, Chris Stewart… you could go out for lunch tomorrow and come back with a new look to your team.

3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Someone should tell the Capitals this.  They blew the lead three different times on Sunday, eventually lost to the Flyers in OT and, as always, lost the one game a year I can get Mr. Pants to attend.  Thanks, jerks.

It could be worse, I tell myself.  We could be the Hurricanes.  There’s never a good time to lose five in a row, but now is worse.

Remember it’s the wild card format this year, so good luck figuring out who your team will face in the first round.  From the Nov. ’13 NY Post article entitled NHL’s playoff structure is ridiculous by Larry Brooks:

To refresh your memory: 1. The top three teams from each division qualify; 2. The two teams with the next best records within the conference qualify as wild cards; 3. The division winner with the most points plays the wild card with the fewest points in the first round while the other division winner plays the other wild card; 4. The second- and third-place teams within each division meet in the first round; 5. Divisional brackets apply to the second round.

So, in likely the earliest “If the playoffs began …” scenario on record, the East’s first round would be: Pittsburgh (30 points) vs. Montreal (26); Boston (30) vs. Detroit (27); Tampa Bay (29) vs. Toronto (27); Washington (25) vs. Devils (23).

Hence, either the seventh-place Capitals or eighth-place Devils would advance while either the third-place Lightning or fourth-place Maple Leafs would be one-and-done.

A team, therefore, is theoretically better served by being the second- (or third-) place team in a weak division than by finishing with the conference’s best record.

Okay, it’s not that hard to figure out.  The playoff format is just very fluid right up until the end.  Your team could be third in its division, worse than both Wild Card teams and still qualify ahead of them.  It makes sense that two Metropolitan teams would be seeded ahead of Wild Card Toronto despite fewer points, right?

It could be worse, of course.  We could be in the Western Conference.  Right now 68 or 69 points might get you in, but you’d be duking it out for that one last Wild Card spot, rather than for or five spots potentially reachable seeds in the East.

Remember the West has two fewer teams than the East, sparking much debate about it being “easier” to reach the post-season.  I doubt it’s been easier to play a majority of games against these Western teams though.  Still, the realigned Wings and Jackets are in the East’s mix, while Winnipeg hopes to squeak into that last spot out West.  Riding five-game win streaks, the Kings and Wild aim to put every other qualifying spot out of reach.

So, is your team making it or not?  Are they making a big move instead?  We’re getting down to the wire.  It’s time to start pretending stress or hockey – or stress and hockey – can’t hurt you.

Before undertaking this Phil Kessel makeover reality TV show, perhaps we should have watched 24/7.  Perhaps Intern Jeff Skinner should stop terrorizing my team with multi-goal games and do some blogging so I can watch TV, but that’s not going to happen.  So we rely on friends.

.gif from bleedblueandwhite.tumblr.com

In her campaign to make  me and Lindsay , as she calls it, “Leafs tolerant,” Alison sent us this:

Right?  This makeover business isn’t going to be so hard!  First of all, Phil’s condo is major.  A four-poster bed and a  bathroom big enough for a hockey rink… I dream of architecture and natural light.  And their dog – a dog, you guys!

For cuddling!  In front of not three but FOUR TVs.  Are they all hooked to one remote?  If so, this is heaven.  Can I order pizza and/or launch the space shuttle from there?  I might not even need to throw a rager and invite you guys over.

I love how they set-decorated the living area (don’t try to tell me they have placemats out all the time) but didn’t bother even making Bozie’s bed.  BOYS. Maybe Phil is OCD for cleaning – AWESOME.  Live with a guy someday and you’ll wish for such ridiculous luxury.  Or that vase of (probably fake) flowers atop his dresser.

So, are we getting there?  Do matching thermals and toques (Canadian word alert), plus a bromance alive and well bring you a step closer to seeing Phil’s charm?  You can introduce your friends to his charming, homeless roommate.  That bit at the end about looking like idiots really melted our frozen hockey hearts.  Any chance they’d let us dog- and house-sit over the next road trip?

Don’t worry, we’ll be back with more installments of Presenting Phil Kessel.  Or what this really is: The Millionaire Matchmaker (Mr. Pants loves that show). Don’t worry Phil, we’ve got this.

Right now we need to watch 24/7.

Allow me to share my unpopular American opinion: I am pro-Canada when it comes to Olympic men’s hockey.  I don’t care if the NSA turns their cell phone recorders on me, but my heart goes with my favorite players on their biggest stage.  We Americans win a lot in every Olympics.  This one time I am okay with sharing.

That said, I’d like to see the US win silver every time or gold if Canada’s out.  I am excited to see which Americans will represent our country in Russia – it makes me want to watch 80’s action movies (or Miracle).  The Team USA roster was announced yesterday after the longest Winter Classic in the history of long things.  Chuck and I, miles apart and minutes from starvation, implored them to hurry.  Then they trotted out the kids in the jerseys and we were stuck.  Kids, they get us every time!

I can’t find video yet, but one kid almost fell.  You knew that was coming.  Then one kid was a girl and  I wasn’t expecting that.

Here’s the roster (alphabetically, not as line predictions):

Plus the worst-kept secret in hockey this week, the USA goalies:

NHL Network Analysis of the roster with bonus cold-weather fashion “do’s” featuring Kathryn Tappen.

My thoughts:

NOBOBBYRYANBOOOOO.  Cats of Instagram are wailing pitifully in alleys across America tonight.  No more jokes about finishing second, or at all.

Any combination of Parise-Kesler-Kane will henceforth be known as the SAS(S) Line, for Smile-Abs-Smile.

All-Pens defense pairings give me the squees.  And I think they know the coach.

Of course we have to give it up for Shattenkirk on D, pride of Boston University.

Finally, someone please explain Phil Kessel to me.  I am going to start nominating him for makeover reality TV shows – the sure way to get Americans interested in something, it could be a blistering marketing idea for Team USA. We already have  “before” photo:

AMERICA.  For shame!  Why would you release this photo?  For something that looked worse than your jerseys?  You need a publicist.  I will work for tax breaks, Columbus Day off and your continued overlooking of my crush on Canada.

Phil seems like a really nice, shy guy – he overcame cancer for heaven’s sake!  He should be able to overcome these image issues.  In October he bought a suite, brought 24 child cancer patients to the game and SCORED THEM A HAT TRICK.  Take that, walkathons!  I am convinced that hiding behind this terrible haircut and penchant for wearing the same colorless suit to everything is a guy we could Foxy Friday.  There are 34 days until Sochi.  Let me at him and I’ll bring you the next American Express Olympics tear-jerker commercial icon.

I told myself I didn’t care anymore. The lockout was dragging and NHL hockey was no longer a part of my life. I had accepted it and moved on.

Then the RBC Charity Challenge happened.

“Mwhahahaha,” said Stamkos.

The NHLPA threw James Neal, Steven Stamkos, Logan Couture, Michael Del Zotto, Joffrey Lupul, PK Subban, and a bunch of other players on the same sheet of ice, and my inner fangirl was doomed from the very announcement.

I paid my $30, got a third row ticket and emotionally prepared myself.

I knew it was going to be a great night when I saw PK Subban on my way to the grocery store.  I did what any other normal person would do – speed-walked right past him in stunned silence then tweeted about it immediately.

Eventually it was game time. I could talk about how much I missed the sights, sounds and smells of a hockey arena, but I have far too many pictures of James Neal and Steven Stamkos for that.  I know what you really want.

First came the warm-up.  Team Subban debuted, then Team Stamkos.  That’s when we all died fangirl deaths.  Look, NHLPA. You can’t just put Stammer, Nealer, and MDZ on the same team and expect every female in the place to contain herself.  (Pants Note: Word.)

It was arguably the best part of the entire game, because the players skated without their helmets on and we got to see all of this:

During the game, the announcer gave James Neal the not-actually-real award of “Best Hair on the Ice.” Pascal Dupuis may not have been there to rub his stick in it (that sounds inappropriate!), but Nealer’s hair looked, as always, pretty fabulous.

Puck drop: Steven Stamkos, Elisha Cuthbert’s fiancé, and 4 other guys that you’re probably not going to know unless you’re a Leafs fan.  (Are there any of you out there, or am I alone in my misery?)

Fun fact: PK and Steven used to be teammates when they were little kids. Like that one stacked team in every rec league that wins all the trophies.

Jim Cuddy sang the national anthem. This picture is so Canadian it hurts.

 What follows is a random selection of the best pictures from throughout the game. If you’re not a fan of James Neal’s face, maybe just skip this part.

(Pants Note: Maybe just skip this blog!)

This just seemed like a necessary inclusion.

Nealer and Purcell having a serious discussion about which of them is better friends with Stamkos.  (Pants Note: Awkward foreground moment.)

Oh my god, just stop it.

If only they were facing the camera.

Obligatory James Neal tongue photo. Sorry about your ovaries, Pants.

Versteeg is probably singing “Glamorous” by Fergie to Stammer right here.

I’d totally be staring at/taking pictures of Teddy Purcell’s butt, too.

It took until the second period for me to remember that Team Subban existed.

I have nothing coherent to say. I just spent 5 minutes staring at Stammer here.

Bless your heart, Phil the Thrill. You put on a stickhandling clinic through traffic in the slot, then missed the shot, lost your footing, crashed into the boards and got up laughing.

My three boyfriends. But I guess I can share.

Pretty sure this line combined for like 30 points. 

These poor, misguided children. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and despair. RUN BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

It’s impossible not to like Joffrey Lupul. He sasses Gary Bettman, has great taste in music, and has that face.

I was so distracted by Team Stamkos that I unfairly neglected Logan Couture until the 3^rd period.

Wojtek “the Polish Prince” Wolski, just for Chuck.

Last picture of James Neal, I SWEAR.

Sadly, the game eventually ended and I remembered that the lockout still exists. But at least I have all these pictures to get me through it.

On my way home I saw David Steckel who, despite what I’m about to say, seemed to be a lovely and fantastic person who I’m sure did not mean to hit Sidney Crosby in the head.

But while everyone else was asking him for autographs, I experienced an intense rage flashback. It took everything in me not to angrily shout something about staying away from Canada’s National Treasure. (Last week, against my better judgment, I re-watched “Pens/Caps: 24/7” and I’m. Still. Bitter.)

Hope you guys enjoyed my little recap, and more importantly, the pictures! If you’re looking for pictures of a specific player from the game, let me know. I literally took hundreds of pictures, so this is just a small sampling, and I don’t mind sharing.

Thanks to Pants and Chuck for letting me do this guest blog! Also a big thank you to Elena for fangirling with me throughout the entire thing!

That’s it.  No man candy this week, just saves and goals and hits and shots and the new all-time low I hit every single day while we wait for this to end.

How bad is it?  I’ll even take highlights set to Nickelback.  I’d take Nickelback themselves right now, provided they brought Claude Giroux and a t-shirt gun.

I’d take Phil Kessel straight off a red-eye flight from Manitoba after a bad loss.

I’d take Pierre Maguire, even without Mike Richards.

I told you: new all-time lows happening daily.

BRyan at 0:55.  Ebs at 1:45.  Geno at 2:58.  Flower at 3:26.  Of all the things I miss, I miss this the most.

At 8pm tonight, fifty of the best hockey players in the world (38 NHL All-Stars and 12 top rookies) will be up for selection in the Player Fantasy Draft.  All-stars and rookies will be divided into two teams  – Team Alfredsson (aka Team Pants), led by captain Daniel Alfredsson and assistant captain Henrik Lundqvist, and Team Chara (aka Team Chuck), led by captain Zdeno “Z-Big” Chara and assistant captain Joffrey Lupul.

Quick refresher on how the Fantasy Draft works…

• A coin toss will decide first pick, with Alfredsson and Chara, joined by their assistant captains, alternately drafting the All-Stars through 19 rounds
• Each team will consist of three goaltenders, six defensemen and 12 forwards
• Each team’s three goalies must be picked by the end of Round 10
• Each team’s six defensemen must be picked by the conclusion of Round 15
• The 12 Rookies will be divided by the National Hockey League into two groups of six.  At the completion of the 15th round of the draft, one NHL Rookie will be selected to choose which All-Star team his group will join for the skills competition
• As a reward (consolation?), the final player selected in the draft will have $20,000 donated to the grassroots hockey program of his choice

So who’s up for grabs?

After he was selected as a captain, Chara did mention that he was going to take this draft very seriously and do as much research as possible, so it will be interesting to see what his strategy will be.  Think he hit up Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli for some pointers?

Will he take his teammate & Vezina winning goaltender Tim Thomas with the first pick?  Or will the events of this week and the recent revelation that Thomas does not have many friends amoungst his teammates sway Chara’s decision?

Now I’m no prognosticator, but I can tell you what you will see tonight.

• Ridiculous amounts of awkwardness.
• The Sedins  on different teams.
• Kris Letang’s hair looking awesome.
• James Neal’s hair looking like a porcupine.
• Scott Hartnell’s hair looking like a hot mess cavewoman hooker.
• Tight bums.
• Patrick Kane calling Toews to tell him he misses him.
• Awkward interview with last two players remaining.

One thing you won’t see…

And I for one, am gonna miss this.

Derp.

Gratuitous, excellent photo by devin-elizabeth.tumblr.com in Winnipeg.

The NHL’s other leading goal-scorer, Phil Kessel Cartman has 7 goals and 12 points in Toronto.  He’s historically a fast starter (as is the Nealmobile), only to experience huge production drops later.  Currently, he’s on pace to score 114 points.  Read about his streaky past and current roll in the Toronto Star [link].

Last night he scored in the 3rd to tie the Leafs 3-3 with Winnpieg, and the Leafs won in a shootout.  Good thing too, because I told our friend Shades to bet that way on the game.  So Cartman saved me $5 (thanks bud).  Toronto is 4-0-1 at present, in Boston tonight visiting Chuck.

What do you think – are these hot streaks going to hold up?  Is this the year we see big breakouts?  Here’s hoping Kessel keeps scoring – that’ll teach people to pick him last in the All-Star Game draft!  He’s on Twitter too – @pkessel81.

You are almost better than a Starbuck's Gold Card my friend!

I am so wearing ‘the outfit’ more … Especially during play-offs to STARBUCKS! A big shout out to Random Maple Leaf Fan this AM who bought my Venti Earl Gray Tea Latte. You made my morning after the LA KINGS lost a heart-braker to San Jose last night.

Thanks dude! Love you too!

You also made me laugh when you suggested we fly to Pittsburgh and you’d buy me an expensive steak dinner if I wore this outfit at the Consol Energy Center! HAHAHAH – I’m not THAT dumb brother! I got you back when I said I’d do it if I could sit on Letang’s lap! You didn’t think I’d say that!

So here’s to you Random Maple Leaf Fan … maybe next year. Phil Kessel took it like a man when was picked last at the All Star game and yes, your boys trounced the Caps once this year.

Lunchtime poll: Will Letang wears a helmet or not? He’d need a headband for sure but it’s a sin to cover up that hair.  Maybe a baseball cap?

Exactly how I sleep on a plane.

The All-Star Skills Competition games are:

Bridgestone NHL Fastest Skater
Is a race! 6 players from each team compete in heats.

BlackBerry NHL Breakaway Challenge™
3 players from each team compete to deliver the most creative shootout attempt.  They get 4 shots a piece and we get to vote via text.

McDonald’s NHL Accuracy Shooting™
Like Crosby’s puck pyramid and Ovi’s weird Russian dressing mess, six players per team will shoot at foam targets in the four corners of the goal.

G Series NHL Skills Challenge Relay™
New event and it’s a big one!  16 players from each team in four relays.  Each skill must be completed before the team can move on to the next.  Two relay groups per team.

• One-timer: shoot over an 8″ obstacle
• Passing: put a pass into each of 6 nets set up around the ice
• Puck control: Slalom cones while keeping the puck on the stick
• Stick handling: Keep the puck on the stick through a series of obstacles
• Accuracy shooting: Knock out four targets.

XM NHL Hardest Shot™
If you can’t figure this out, Chara gets to shoot at you.

Discover NHL Elimination Shootout™
Musical chairs for the shootout, like the Penguins have mastered.  Only they make people grow mustaches and run to the top row of a football stadium.  In this, it’s 1 point per goal and a lot of bragging rights for whoever makes it to the end. [Graphic from NHL.com]

We kinda hope Tanger and Tazer end up on opposite teams so they can showdown in the shootout challenge!

Mine. Mine. Mine.