Me at 3 PM daily.

The carnage is far from complete, but look who made a new life plan today:

Matt Niskanen and Brooks Orpik

No one can see us in these jerseys.

To the Capitals!  Hello friends!  Pittsburgh Penguins East, reporting for duty.  The Caps certainly rolled out the welcome paychecks, going $40.25 million/7 years for Nisky and $27.5 million/5 years for Brooks.  Where does that leave $6 million Mike Green?  New coach Barry Trotz says he hasn’t written Mike off – and who knows. Some help back there could be just what Mike needs.  Either way, I got to keep my Turtle and the Caps sold at least one new shirtzee.

He also stands by the road and waves as people drive into DC.

Thomas Vanek

Minnesotans sure love Minnesota, and the Wild love them right back.  Thomas Vanek, who went to school and now lives in MN, joins natives Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, albeit for waaaaay less money.  Less money, in fact, than other teams were offering Vanek (to stay on Long Island).  He took 3 years/$19.5 million to play home games where he really makes his home.  Once again, the Islanders get the shaft.

Like the boy holding onto his balloons in Up.

Matt Moulson

Speaking of ex-Islanders, Matt Moulson was traded to the Sabres last fall.  The Sabres traded him to the Wild in March.  Today he went back… to Buffalo.  To the worst team in the League last season.  That is some serious faith in the rebuilding process and some serious cash at $25 million/5 years.

I’ve been laughing at this photo since yesterday.

The mission to rescue John Tavares is now a go.  We’re coming for you, hon.

“When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” – Princess Leia

Jarome Iginla

The Avs are gearing up for some kind of Survivor spin off featuring old guys vs. young guys.  They’re loaded with Landeskog, Duchene and MacKinnon, who in case you’ve forgotten scored 157% of Colorado’s playoff goals last season.  They’ve added Danny Briere and yesterday plussed up again with Jarome Iginla.  Iggy gets 3 years, $16 million.  We have much love for Iginla – heck, he’s played for all our teams now.

Could still score on Roy.

Both Briere and Iginla played against Avs coach Patrick Roy when he was still in the League. I hope someone welcomes them at training camp with a video of any goals they scored on Roy.

My response to everything on UFA Day.

Paul Stastny

Eliminated from the Avs’ new game show was Paul Stastny, but he got a big, shiny welcome from his new St. Louis Blues: 4 years, $28 million.  At $6.5 million next season, that is $108,000+ for each of the 60 points Stastny scored this year.  I need to talk to my boss about a raise.  Who do you think gets to keep this shirt?

Orange is the new Avs.

Ryan Miller

In recent years, the Canucks goaltending has been like running through a new level of Super Mario Bros. every night.  Jump on the same toadstool, hit the same brick and surprise!  Who knows that will fall out.  Perhaps that is finally over.  Resident starting goalie Eddie Lack wasted no time making friends… and getting trolled by former VAN goalie Roberto Luongo.

Just don’t look at the punctuation.

Miller gets 3 years/$18 million, so let’s hope he picks up the check.

Brad Richards

Sad Brad no more?  After being bought out by the Rangers in June, to the tune of a slot machine raining $20 million into a bucket because of his original contract, Richards signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Blackhawks today.  Ho-ly crap.  New York fans hated Brad because a) they could and b) he was really and truly awful.  He must be thrilled to shed them, while dragging a sack full of their money, and head for Chicago.

#partyhard

We figure most guys would play alongside Toews and Kane for free anyway.  NYR fans are still glad to be rid of Brad, and thinking maybe the lockout’s one silver lining was that compliance buyout.

Upside for us: High likelihood of repeat beard performance.

Gingerbeard dreams.

There are so many more.  Brian Boyle went to the Lightning, so the Rangers can just give his old jerseys to newly acquired Dan Boyle.  Jussi Jokinen, Shawn Thornton, Dave Bolland and anyone else they could fit on the plane went to Florida.  Tanner Glass went to the Rangers, while Deryk Engelland and Jonas Hiller joined the Flames.  Here’s the full list.  It will only get longer tomorrow.

Yeah, these salary cap numbers don’t add up.

Did you make it all the way down here?  Does it make any sense the only Western Conference team we ever talk about is the Oilers?

Perhaps we are trying to make our Eastern Conference-selves feel better about topping out at #6 in the League – with a team that just lost a guy who figured in 35% of their offense last season.  (Tears for Stamkos.)  Looks like we’d better start paying more attention to after-hours hockey.

So, what do teams that never lose do when they’re not winning?

Winning Teams – They’re Just Like Us: Colorado Avalanche Edition

At the end of last season the Avalanche were the second worst (16-25-7, 39 points) team in the NHL.  Now things are topsy-turvy in Denver where the Avs, under new head coach Patrick Roy, are the second-best team in hockey.

We love nothing more than a dramatic makeover.

While the Avalanche blossom thanks to strict care and grooming, they continue to be the same dorky, genuine team on the inside.

They photo bomb.

They share shirts.

They get hurt and make me sad. [story]

#lobster

They take pictures of their toilet paper… wait, what?

They have impossibly attractive Swedish friends.  Do these guys even play hockey? Nope, don’t care.  Hockey is no longer a requirement for this blog.

They start shopping at the very top of your Christmas list.

They have choreographed dance sequences-slash-celebrations.

Oh, and they score goals.  Fast, nifty, foxy ones.

There is, of course, the issue of Semyon Varlamov’s arrest on allegations of domestic violence.  He was released and the Avs put him right back to work.  While innocent until proven guilty, this isn’t really a judgement call for the Avs.  Varly is their top goalie and has played 12 of 14 games this season, the final $3 million year of his contract.  No word yet if he will be formally charged with the crime and face a trial. Until then, we are doing our best not to judge (out loud).

Presumably with Varlamov in net, the Avs face two other top teams this week: St. Louis on Thursday and Chicago on Tuesday.  Either would be a great match-up to catch, but aim for the Blues – it starts at 8 PM.  Even I can stay up for that.

We promise to get to other Western Conference teams soon.  If you follow one and want to save me time on the Google, send any great pics, videos and Twitter chirping my way!