Whatever you expected from a Patrick Kane party, you were underestimating.

SWEDES, you have passed us!! (photo by @jstefanc)

Police barricades can’t stop this cute at the Hawks parade. (also by @jstefanc)

Drunk Toews getting off the drunk bus by holding onto the stripper pole.

Kaner letting a guy with this mustache get all up on his trunk.

Corey Crawford, heavyweight f-bomb champion of the day.

Patrick Kane doing exactly that I’d do with the Cup AGAIN – take it to see Jimmy Buffett and Mac McAnally!

All these people who had more fun than we did on Friday.

Babies with the Cup.

And finally, this photo of Viktor Stalberg’s girlfriend that explains life, the universe and everything.

We’re with you, honey.

Not now, girls.

 Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…

Seriously!  Hold it together.

Then someone says:

from NBC Chicago

OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!

So much for being cool.

He should’ve known better.

Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.

Also known as:

Or was it…

The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.

Whatever they call it, we’re going.  You’re invited.  Get started now.

 Don’t forget to pack your:

Because this trip is:

Apparently this is all still being finalized.  Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.

You’re well-dressed… till Patrick Sharp walks by.  Feeling reliably heroic… then you see Jonathan Toews.  Rugged?  Try Viktor Stalberg.  Good hair day? Ruined by Brent Seabrook.  You can’t even walk a dog without being upstaged by Duncan Keith and forget being adorable with Joey the Junior Reporter around.

But if you’re Patrick Kane, you can still have the prettiest pass in town.

No-look, cross-ice backhand to the wide-open top scorer for the OT winner? Stunned.  The Stars commentators are stunned.

Time for Jess’ favorite thing: a Patrick Kane Flying Hug.

The Hawks are off to a 4-0 running start, led by Kane’s 7 points.  I know it’s only 4 games, but PK’s play demonstrates what teams were hoping (praying) to see from guys who went overseas during the lockout.  No rust.  Solid conditioning.  Sharp passing, good rhythm and raising the play of everyone else on the ice.

Check out this 3-on-nobody the other night.  Goalies wake up sweating in the middle of the night thinking about things like this:

Cue another Patrick Kane Flying Hug.

At their home opener, the Hawks did one of those red carpet player entrances. These events apparently don’t require approval by the US Occupational Health and Safety Administration.  Tell me the velvet rope creates a safe distance here:

Patrick Kane, feeling like a boss until…

Patrick Sharp, Life Ruiner arrives.  Only to be outdone by:

Check out this sneaky beauty of a Stalberg goal.

Do you think Jamal Mayers…

… and Dave Bolland were mad they wore the same suit, like Kelly & Brenda at the original 90210 prom?

In the end, it doesn’t matter.  It never does.  Everyone’s strutting their stuff, feeling the love until this jerk swaggers in.

He doesn’t even try.

And he doesn’t stop.

Until it’s back to the ice, where someone else might stand a chance.

.gif by michaeldelzotto.tumblr.com

And my Twitter feed:

Too much?  Not enough?  Keep scrolling for more cute.

Rangers, Flyers… it’s not the kids fault.

Parker Staal has his own Tumblr feed, thankyouverymuch.

Madison Quick could be our mascot. When she grows up, we have a feeling she’ll love being named after the mermaid from Splash!

This is Joe Thornton, in case you’re not Chuck.  She knows.

Baby skates.  Just stop it.

We have not seen a picture of Baby Letang yet, but rumor has it Marc-Andre Fleury and his wife are expecting.  Milan Lucic and his wife of the sparkly high heels are having a baby this winter too.  Happy holidays, everyone!!

Photos from the Chicago Tribune

 They look as happy as I feel, and I wasn’t even there!  All it takes is a little hockey.  Even Jon is giddy – you know that means desperate times.  Troy Brouwer doesn’t know if he should trust this new Jon, who looks ready to faint in a princess swoon when the Disney logo comes on screen.

You can read here all about the good times, including goalie penalty shots, mock fights, even a plaid suit.  There were choreographed goal celebrations!  Chuck and I love nothing more than a good dance routine (cue She’s All That)!

Cubs/Coach Ryan Dempster with the Ice Crew- photo Elliot Harris

Among the players in attendance were these guys, along with Bobby Ryan, Shawn Thornton, JStaal and many more smiles.

Loads of photos to make you wish for an alternate, non-lockout universe:

Hockey Broad

Art by Melissa G

Bonus – Ronald McDonald House press conference:

Blackhawks, past and present, being flawless.

Also foxy – the same hockey players with puppies.

Seriously.

I double dog dare you to find anything foxier. (Don’t even try.  Because you won’t.)

This week’s Foxy Friday is dedicated to those furry and fabulous canine companions of our most popular Foxy Friday honorees…and a few that were just to adorable not to mention.

Teemu Dog

Landeskog Dog

Sharp Dog

Crosby Dog

Keith Dog

Campbell Dog

Letang Dog

Tazer Dog.
(Come on, Jonathan.  It’s an adorable puppy. Why so serious?) 

Eberle Dog.

Neal Dog.

Lundqvist Dog.
(also, can we talk about those hips? King Henrik’s, not the dog’s)

SEGGY PUPPY!!!!

And the mutha of all…

Nash Dog!

Here are few that we just had to include.

Warning: Squeeee factor on these is about eleventy billion.

Nuge Dogs.

Colby Cohen Dog.

Parros and a very big puppy.

Hi, I’m Jess! You may remember me from such WUYS guest appearances such as Up Close and Personal and Our Friends Party With the NHL. Pants and Chuck have once again let me take over their blog so that I can drop a little ‘Hawks fandom on y’all.

My latest mission? The Fifth Annual Blackhawks Convention!

If you haven’t been to Chicago, go. Now. I’ll wait… Did you LOVE it? Amazing, no?  It is stunning and I cannot wait to go back/move there one day.

Friend of the blog, fellow Blackhawks fan, Virginia-native and all around spectacular human being Carter was already going to be there as, by happy accident, the Convention fell on the same weekend as the half-marathon she was running (!). I BEGGED her to hook me up with an extra pass, even though I live nowhere near Chicago (It’s 691 hour walk. Thanks Google Maps!) and wasn’t sure I could make it. A last minute seat sale and a terrifying Hotwire gamble meant I was on my way to the great state of Illinois.

Carter and I, as featured on the Chicago SunTimes website.  Not wearing Blackhawks gear = ultimate party foul. #guiltyascharged

Now, it is well documented than I suffer from a severe case of Jonathan Toews-induced catatonia and therefore my memories of the weekend are a little bit fuzzy. I was really hoping that the Blackhawks would have posted the whole thing on their website so I could do this thing Mystery Science Theater 3000-styles, but I will try my best…

Disclaimer: People on the interwebs had way better cameras than I did. I borrowed a few, but I highly recommend trolling Tumblr…

Day 1

The Opening Ceremonies were kinda like boarding an airplane. It took forever to get everyone in their places, there was a brief message from The Captain, followed by a video that no one really paid attention to. But then, THEN, as the room was emptying, Toews came out to do an interview in the press area that was RIGHT BESIDE ME:

Captain Deltoids

As he was leaving, he walked past and shook a few hands. Instead of extending my hand like a normal person, I put my hands behind my back because I was afraid this would happen:

He was ushered off by his NSYNC-circa-2001 security entourage, but not before he said “Sorry guys, I gotta go!” His voice directly touched my ears. Did I say ears? I meant SOUL.

Friday night was “Second City” comedy/awkwardness hour, scene of the infamous Shawlberg strip-tease. They can Magic Mike all they want, but Tina Fey and Amy Poehler they are not. Personally, my highlight of the evening was Patrick Kane saying that he woke up that morning next to a beautiful woman and Carter’s hilarious NSFW commentary.

Day 2

There were memorabilia auctions, activities for kids and several rooms set up for Q&A’s. Personally, I parked my ass in the International Ballroom ALL day. The first must-see panel was “The Olympic Ideal”. Patrick Kane rolled in wearing the same clothes as the night before. Oh PKane, never change. There was a lot of “Blah blah, it’s an honour to play for one’s country,” but I do not remember anything that was said after Jonathan Toews spoke because he had sexy, husky morning voice and GURRRL HE LOOKS LIKE SUPERMAN:

Captain More-Powerful-Than-A-Locomotive

Next up was the “Behind the Scenes with Blackhawks TV” panel wherein my Life Hero Patrick Dahl, Director of Advertising and Game Presentation, revealed that he has ample blackmail footage of Jonathan Toews in his underwear (the use of “ample” was not an intentional pun.) The panel also included humiliating out-takes of their already humiliating BHTV featurettes which can be seen here and here. The fake moustache has scarred me, as the kids say, 5-evah.

Captain Bashful

Speaking of humiliating, during the Q&A a crazy fangirl tearfully sang a version of “Call Me Maybe” to “Jonny” asking him to sign her jersey. Let me tell you, Carter and I would have taken gold in Synchronized Cringing, Pairs, Long Program. The fontrum was palpable.

But I’ll allow it because we were treated to this:

The last panel was “Generations of Captains” where Jon put on his big boy clothes to sit at the grown-up’s table. This was actually my favourite panel because Stan Mikita is everyone’s hilarious grandpa and I have never seen Toews laugh so hard. Like, literally head down, pounding the table hysterical laughter. It was joy.

Captain Judging-You (Thanks Veronica for the amazing photo!)

I really did try to get his autograph! I’m working on it you guys, 5th time will be a charm…

Captain Sport-Coat-No-Tie

Day 3

At the risk of facing WUYS army court-martial, I failed to get Viktor Stalberg’s autograph. Let me explain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up. The convention employed an elaborate system of wrist bands and scratch-and-wins for pictures and autographs, and I am blessed with neither patience nor luck, respectively. There was a somewhat entertaining panel about social media in which I decided I want Jimmy Hayes to be my boyfriend, but other than that, it was pretty low-key and all was said and done by 1PM.

Hmm… what else?

• Brent Seabrook is the ULTIMATE troll. His sarcastic slow-clap is amazing. I want to hang with him.
• Patrick Sharp, like Barney Stinson, is INCAPABLE of taking a bad picture. He may never actually blink.

PATRICK SHARP. YOUR FACE.

Best Q&As

• Fan to Toews: “Are you gonna do a no-haircut season like Stamkos?”
• Toews: “I dunno. It gets out of control pretty fast.”
• Sharp: “Well, he’s not gonna have that hair much longer, so he better enjoy it.”

• Fan to Sharp and Mayers: “Is it hard leaving your family during road trips?”
• Andrew Shaw: “Yeah, it’s real tough leaving the kids.”
• Dan Carcillo: “Especially when you don’t know where they are.”

•  A mom, to Kane: “Can you tell my son that getting up at 4AM for practice is normal.”
• Kane: “I was doing something at 4AM, but it wasn’t playing hockey.”

I know this was overly Toews-centric (sorry I’m not sorry) and I’m forgetting a bunch of stuff (I barely discussed Patrick Kane and his forearms!), but I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And one should keep some of one’s anecdotes secret, as one does not want to be a dreadful bore at cocktail parties.

Thanks again Pants and Chuck! You ladies are the absolute best and I adore you. XOXO.

We obviously adore you too, Jess.  And since you mentioned Kaner’s off-season arms project…

Oh, okay. One more smile.

Follow Jess for endless hilarity, and that time she took a photo of Stamkos & Skinner together just for Pants – @jfrancesw.

When Chuck & I win the lottery, we’ll spend our days creating NHL-specific videos for every song on the Official WUYS Office Dance Party Mix.

“I just met you…

And this is crazy…

But here’s my number…

So call me maybe.”

No reason for this photo of PSharp, except it’s the best picture in the world.

Who makes double entendres with random-yet-endearing capitalization?

What Ebs dreams of when he looks in the mirror?

Who needs you to bring them a beer?

Who will buy you popcorn at the movies?

Who thinks college is way different than it really is?

But gets everything else so right?

With all this, a tan, and the potential of a Mike Richards/Jeff Carter Stanley Cup party to contemplate, I think we might get to September after all.

Jonathan Toews suffered an injury to his left wrist on Jan. 21 vs. Nashville, then missed one game and the All-Star Weekend festivities.  Maybe he was just worried about getting picked so late again.

Captain Derpface.

Patrick Sharp, out since Jan 9 with a left wrist injury of his own, is making his way back into the lineup as well.  Sharp practiced yesterday for the first time since the injury and is “questionable” for tonight’s match. [link]

Can we get one of those posters in the background?

Brand new Blackhawk Brendan Morrison will play his first game tonight after being acquired from Calgary on Friday in exchange for d-man Brian Connolly.  Morrison played seven seasons as a Canuck, ending in ’08.  He’s been around the block since and now finds himself strengthening up the Center position in Chicago.

Eight of the Hawks’ nine road games are against Western Conference teams.  The Hawks are currently in 6th place, but can jump way up the playoff ladder with a strong run.

26 of the NHL’s 30 teams play tonight, which is why time zones were invented.  And why the Lightning are playing the Capitals, so I can watch that plus the Penguins, then start the Blackhawks.  Science really does make people’s lives better.

Joey asking his father Jonathan if he’s been “naughty or nice.”

Why do we look so much alike?

And telling Coach Q that “sometimes when you’re coaching I can read your lips.”

Your mustache is beautiful.

And Kaner, he loves to hug.

Bring it in.

Okay, I’ll stop. You can watch it for yourself.

Bonus: The Blackhawks topped the Blue Jackets 4-1 last night, and Foxy Friday Viktor Stalberg had two goals and was First Star.  We sure know how to pick ’em!  You can see a post-game interview here, and spendit wondering why boys always have the longest eyelashes.

Not fair.

Oh my God, it goes on forever!  This is the kind of stuff Gator and I come up with during intermissions at Caps games.  Get it “Wherever it is you’d buy something like this.”

On his way to becoming a creepy mall Santa.

If the Blackhawks wanted us to have a really great Christmas, their bus would break down outside the WUYS office at the very beginning of a snowstorm that trapped us for days.  Obviously we’d be stocked up on Whachamacallits and magically have access to the deli downstairs.  Since the weather is calling for low 50’s, we’ll settle for the CD.

"Hey baby, meet me on the roof."

Don’t forget to check your mail for Christmas cards from the Madhouse this year [all cards here]:

The Oilers Are Not The Canucks (from Nov. 19)

It’s not easy being a Chicago fan in Vancouver, but last Wednesday, I was at Rogers Arena when my lovely Blackhawks put the Canucks on the bus and took them to school. It was a thing of beauty.

 Thinking that I had finally broken my curse, wherein I cannot have nice things such as my favorite team beating my least favorite team, I packed up my Toews jersey and headed to Oil Country. Can we just take a minute to appreciate the frigid beauty that is Alberta?

"Eat your heart out, Fauxnadians!"

After their sexy, sexy win in Vancouver, the 1st-placed Hawks were coming to Edmonton following a rough 5-2 loss to the 27th-placed Calgary Flames. The Oilers, despite their hot start to the season, were looking to end a 4-game losing streak which had landed them in 13th place.

The oldest player on the Oilers roster. (Seriously though, this is my nephew... could you DIE?!)

Here is where I add my disclaimer: I like the Oilers. A lot. I’m pretty sure they are my second favorite team. So, if what was about to happen had to happen, I was glad that it was to the Oilers.

As any good fangirl will tell you, warm-ups are the best part of the game. Usually it’s because you’re allowed to stand next to the glass, even if you have nosebleed seats. If you have have not experienced the warm-ups, I highly recommend it. Because this happens:

Oh HAI Patrick Sharp! Whatcha doin'? Oh, just having a chit chat with the equipment dude and being the HANDSOMEST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE? That's cool, please carry on.

And this happens:

"Hhhhhhnnnnggggghhhhhhggggnnnnhhhhh."

Actually, let’s have more of that, shall we?

I suffer from a condition wherein the sight of Jonathan Toews in the flesh renders me a catatonic mess. That is the only thing stopping me from climbing the glass.

Oh, and did I mention I had BALLER seats?

Yes, I *may* have PVR'd Hockey Night In Canada just to look for myself on TV.

Well, as I’m sure you all know by now, after the puck dropped, all H-E-Double Hockey Sticks broke loose. In short, the Oilers played well and the Hawks crapped the bed. It was pretty embarrassing. To the point where my cousin came back after the second intermission, tossed a Taylor Hall jersey in my lap and said “You better put this on.”.  Anyway, Canadian beer is a lot stronger than American beer, so here is what I can remember:

Toews takes face-offs like a boss.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins is an ultrasound, but he is really, really ridiculously good at hockey (5 Assists!)

Corey Crawford always looks like he’s going to cry, but when he’s ACTUALLY about to cry? It is quite possibly the saddest thing in the world. It was heartbreaking. If I was going to climb the glass for anything, it would have been to give him a hug.

Don't worry Crow... you're getting on a plane to Vegas in an hour. Go. Have a beer. Look at some naked ladies. You'll feel better. I promise.

Taylor Hall is hot. He shouldn’t be – he looks like an orangutan and a goldfish had a baby. Everything about his face is wrong, but somehow so right.

Ladies love a hatty!

Finally… you guys… Jonathan Toews watches the KissCam!

I wish I could find a nice girl like Kaner did.... *sighs*

Thank you to the lovely ladies of What’s Up, Ya Sieve? for letting me guest-post on their FABULOUS blog! Usually I just spout my nonsense in 140 characters or less on the Twitters (@jfrancesw) and this was my very first attempt at a blog. I hope it was up to the awesome WUYS standard!

First, he and his wife Abby welcomed a baby girl, Madelyn Grace, on Friday.

Officially a DILF.

Early Sunday, the proud papa brought her daughter and wife home.

Sunday night, he scored his 2nd straight overtime game winner in a row to beat the Sharks 3-2. [Watch it here.]

“It was a pretty emotional goal,” Sharp said. “It was tough to focus on hockey with so much going on back home. We have a great locker room. It’s pretty easy to turn things off when you come to the rink, but I was space cadet the whole game.”

Now that Sharpie is a dad, he’s going to need babysitters, right?

Personally, we think that Toews would be an excellent babysitter.  There would be lots of story time and coloring, games of hokey pokey and tea time.

Story time with Uncle Jonathan

Kane, on the other hand…not so much.   It would probably include running around and  jumping off of furniture.  Although, we’re pretty positive that if Madelyn wanted to dress Kane up and make his hair all pretty with bows and clips, he wouldn’t object.

Dude, seriously. What's with this baby?

Patrick is *really* excited because him mom got him a new Huffy bike and the double chocolate peanut butter ice cream cake that all the cool kids had last year.  Duncan is psyched because he stole that kid’s cake and just ate the last piece he had in the shoebox under his bed.  Now he’s coming for this cake.

Sharp is mentally calculating the value of the presents vs. the cost of the party and creating a Profits & Loss sheet.  He’ll then determine the compounding interest forecast for investing in Patrick’s 11th birthday party.  Economic indicators are not good.

Jonathan is figuring out how to get each of Patrick’s sisters alone in the treehouse and which one is mostly likely to believe he’s a doctor.
He’d better hurry, because Brent is planning to set that treehouse on fire.

David Toews got swapped to the Blackhawks and has moved into Jonanthan’s apartment.  Sorry ladies, he’s in your spot.  Here’s Jon talking about how you can someday be a better roommate that Little Bro.  He even cracks a joke in this video – it makes him uncomfortable!  Adorkable! [link]

(Is it just me, or does Tazer sweat more than everyone else?  )

Namely, the oily bo-hunks that play this game we love so much.

Patrick Sharp.  

Sidney Crosby.

Jonathan Toews.

Patrice Bergeron.

Patrick Sharp.

Oh wait, already said him.  Doesn’t matter!  He’s so hot, I had to mention him twice.

No no no. Too Sexy.

But for today’s Foxy Friday feature (yay alliteration!), I’m going a little crazy.

I’m going to veer of this highway of “hotness”…

…down the off-ramp…

For this week, and this week ONLY- Foxy Friday is going to known as…

Fugly Friday

Yah, that’s right.

These guys might not gracing the cover of GQ anytime soon, but they still play a pretty sick game of hockey.

Ian Laperriere

Is he face made out of silly putty?

Mike Ricci

Alex Ovechkin

Sorry, Dawn.  He’s an amazing hockey player, but really…I don’t get it.

Daniel Carcillo

Gerry Cheevers

The comb-over. The Jason mask. Not a good look for anyone.

So, do you have a player that you think should be on this list?  One who reminds you more of Sloth from ‘The Goonies” than Ben Affleck from “The Town” (FACT: BA never looked hotter that he did in that movie.  And I will fight anyone who disagrees.)

Former Foxy Friday honoree Patrick Sharp signed a 5-year deal with the Blackhawks today (dollar amount not released).  I’d sign him to a 5-year contract with my fantasy hockey team for how many points he scored me last year.  He played 74 games, had 71 points and was 8th overall in goal scoring.  Also, his hair.

There’s really no point in Chicago Magazine running their “50 Most Beautiful Chicagoans” feature next year, unless some rule prevents Sharpie from being on the cover two years in a row.  Maybe Tazer could volunteer in his place, like The Hunger Games.

In a related story, it wasn’t us.

We’re not going to post photos of Jon’s date – let’s not be those girls.  Plus Intern Jeff Skinner reads this blog and we’re not sure he can handle it.  You can Google her if you like.  Suffice to say that Kaner is *really* jealous somewhere in Upstate NY.

What we will post is the fantastic work of Roving Reporter Veronica from the 2011 Blackhawks Convention.

Kaner rocking the tan and that salmon shirt.

Mike Green is jealous of this.

My dentist is jealous.

Veronica obviously had a great time.  She says the Hawks Convention is a must for any fan… which clearly means us.  WUYS road trip next year.  And that Chicago pizza… we may never leave.  Veronica lives in Raleigh and has ‘Canes season tickets, so she’ll also be keeping an eye on Intern Jeff Skinner for us.  Don’t let him drink the Mexicola, it gives him the giggles.

And now, for the Best Photo Award.  How could you not want this face to lead you to victory?

They tore open a 5-0 lead in the second period on 2G and 1A each from Duncan Keith and Marion Hossa.  Patty Kane added one and thus went Roberto Luongo into the cold dark night for the second game in a row.

I need earmuffs for this.

Can you believe it?!  I’m trying not to get too excited, they’re still one win away from the brink of destruction.  But what a week it has been.  Duncan Keith is absolutely tearing it up, carrying the load for injured Brent Seabrook and plenty of other weight.  (And the ladies LOVE him.)

You know what HRH Queen Elizabeth II wanted for her 85th birthday, which was also yesterday?  Besides to stop hearing about the Royal Wedding and being asked to approve plates with Wills’ face painted on?

Duck, duck, SOUP.

Well she got it.  Now let’s see if we can get another one Sunday at 6:30 PM, when you’ll all be cracked out on Peeps and jellybeans and running around your house screaming about Tazer Cats.  We’re here for you.