I don’t see my picture.

Normally an unfunny, bumblingly-hosted, C-list celebfest, last night’s show was most of those things again. But better, no? I confess to liberal use of the mute button, but overall there was improvement. Host George Strombopopolopolous, a stranger to us but appropriately a Canadian Treasure (credit: @jfrancesw), was great. He embraced the uneven flow, cracked wee jokes at everyone’s expense, kept a straight face during a break-dancing battle and deferred without envy to PK Subban as often as possible.

Bravo, new friend. May we see you again unless PK takes over full-time.

#iwanttolooktan

Since no actual hockey occurs, the Awards allow us to do what we do best: judge people’s outfits. Everyone’s healed-ish, spit-shined and suited up. The whole enterprise is sharpened by the vague, elusive promise that all these guys were shirtless at a swim-up pool bar just hours before this live televised event. We can judge swim trunks too, you know. And tans.

We’d lend you our last ponytail holder.

The order of the night was Crosby Won Everything and looked great. Or better than great. I am exercising considerable restraint here. This despite a small hair emergency on the red carpet, where the renegade curl of his bangs tried to claw free around his forehead. We’d tell him not to cut it so short, but honestly:

Hands in pockets. IN them!

Who cares?

Sid brought his sister Taylor as a date.  Cute cute cute.  We credit Taylor with fixing his hair before he hit the stage. She looked lovely – and I imagine big bro giving rookies the stink eye for noticing.

She’s thinking, “If you guys knew how dorky he is….”

Toews swapped his Nantucket pink shorts for a suit, then (as any good boyfriend should be) was upstaged on the red carpet by his girlfriend. @Linzerellak could not type “Valentino shoes!!!” quickly enough.  We have a lot style envy going on here.

Gold standard

Who else? Giroux went heavy on the gel, didn’t wear his fake tooth and still looked like high treason to a Penguins fan. I only caught one shot of his girlfriend, whose hair was so glorious it sent me running for a brush myself.

Gah, her shoes too!

Normally I would not endorse a shiny suit. I can’t even type it without thinking of Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Bergeron though, always the exception to my rules about iridescence and Bruins.  His speeches were the prize: he only sounds French when he thanks his “brudder” and couldn’t be more endearing. His wife wore a formal ponytail: the goal of my life. It would take a team of sculptors to make that work on my head.

Not enough Aqua Net in the world.

Oh snap.  I just realized Mrs. Bergy and Toews’ girlfriend are wearing the same shoes.  The very ones our Lindsay was loving.  Is this a fashion emergency like Brenda and Kelly wearing the same dress to prom, or are these just the de rigueur stilettos this (off-)season?

Tears welled when Rich Peverley spoke about his recovery and Dominic Moore won the Masterson.  Both moments of real heart that remind you hockey people are awesome people.

It’s just raining on our faces.

Chuck flailed when Tuukka won the Vezina.  He said, “I’ve never been so nervous in my life.” – but that’s a lie, because he’s Tuukka Rask.  His speech was great.

This is what panic looks like.

And Tuukka was probably thinking, “At least I didn’t wear Varly’s suit.”  I cringed when Varly appeared on camera – yikes. Pinache, yes, but his outfit belonged backstage with the costumed Marilyn and Elvis impersonators.  Even Kathryn and Barry are trying not to look.

Playing showtunes in the piano bar later.

Nathan MacKinnon stole Intern Jeff Skinner’s title of youngest ever to win the Calder as Rookie of the Year. As consolation, Jeff cried into the new Ed Sheeran CD and said at least he doesn’t style his hair by wearing a hat till it dries. Really Nate, cut off that bit at the back if you don’t know what to do with it. Is Taylor Crosby available to help other Maritimers?

You wish you grew up here.

PK Subban stole the show, of course. Not just his melon-colored suit or late-game costume change into pale-pink-and-plaid. His backstage correspondence was really an audition to host next year. Crosby holding the Lindsay Award and edging fearfully toward PK to avoid touching a showgirl… highlight reel stuff.

Gif by so-hockey-eh.tumblr.com

The most desired date was there of course, the Stanley Cup teasing everyone. Kopitar and Brown looked so happy hauling it around that I threw a shoe at the TV. Kopi cleans up nicely, yeah?

Bailey may be the most fun mascot.

The overall celeb roster was meh – I’ve seen worse. The Kings fan contingent was in full force, so their win can be credited with doing something for us. No David and Haprer Beckham though – or Wil Wheaton. We’ll take Colin Hanks, and that Retta woman whose show I’ve never seen was sass. Hire her, Kings. If we were D-listers, you’d have to bag and drag us off that stage. We can break-dance! We can get hammered like Cuba Gooding, Jr. and demonstrate fifteen minutes of increasingly erratic behavior. Possibly with more break-dancing! If we made a video podcast I think we qualify as presenters, and we promise to pronounce names correctly.

How hard can it be to open a puck and say, “Crosby?”

Sid getting wild – taking his first selfie.

I wish more non-nominated players attended the show, just to be seen (on Tumblr partying in Vegas).  Now it’s back to hoping for boat selfies and golf tournaments.  Oh, and Smashball is coming soon.  If I missed anything good from last night, send it my way!

Three-piece plaid, always an award-winner.

It turns out I really miss those.

The NHL handed out their awards over the weekend while I had no internet and no idea it was happening.  Oh well.  My campaign for a “make up for the lockout and no All-Star Game” program involving a swimsuit competition and push-up contest apparently fell on deaf ears.

We’ll always have this Blackhawks TV episode.

Deprived of suits, shiny toys and the potential of a Biz & Gingeroux Take Vegas Instagram-Fest, let’s discuss the winners.

Hart Trophy/League MVP – Alex Ovechkin

Is that a tray of watches and potato pancakes?

Mmmmmkay.  I would have gone with Crosby, but research indicates I may be biased.  Can you miss 1/4 of 1/2 of a season and still be MVP?  Fine, I guess not – but Sid only lost by 4 votes.  I did admit this was the first year I have appreciated Ovi.  If this award inspires him to play like his three Hart-worthy seasons (instead of last season!) in the future, it’s cool by me.

John Tavares, what do you think?

Selke/Best Defensive Forward – Jonathan Toews

Approved.  Chuck would say Bergy but with the season the Hawks had, seeing one of their lead offensive players (T-1st in team goals, 2nd in points) also be their best defensive forward is especially impressive.  Why work that hard when you’re winning all the time anyway?  Because it’s a huge part of how you win all the time.

Lady Byng/Sportsmanship – Marty St. Louis

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SQUISHY!!  He’s 38 today.  It’s easy to assume Squishy wins this award (almost) every year because he’s small.  Not true.  Brad Marchand is small.  You with me?  St. Louis also lead the NHL in points – at 37, he was the oldest player to ever do this.  Score that much and be nice about it? Our moms are so proud.

Vezina/Best Goaltender – Segei Bobrovsky

In a world where Bobrovsky was traded and now the Flyers will buyout Bryzgalov’s monster contract, are you laughing a little?  I’m laughing.  I also applaud Bob’s gutsy choice of suit and tie.  Gotta be sauve when you’re up against King Henrik.

Norris/Best Defenseman – PK Subban

I know voting only takes regular season into account, but if this went to Kris Letang after the Pens’ playoffs even I would have been ashamed.  Maybe next year, Tanger.  Maybe you need a ponytail holder.  I don’t like Subban but I’d like him if he were on my team.  All those chin-ups with the 100 lb. of extra weight have paid off.

Calder/Best Rookie – Jonathan Huberdeau

I saw maybe 3 Panthers games all year and Huberdeau scored in all of them so I’m on board with this.  Jon also has the appropriately wry jawline and poufy hair potential to replace Matt Smith as Doctor Who, if they could tape only in summer.

Lindsay/Most Outstanding Player (by NHLPA) – Sidney Crosby

Being voted Most Outstanding by fellow players in pretty great.  Sid would rather have the Cup, the Richard, the Hart… but this award is this season for Sid, especially with his injury.  I’m not going to gush.  Just sum up my feelings with the time Sid went to a Justin Beiber concert in the same week I went to a Justin Beiber concert.  I love everything.  Hold it together, girls.

Side note: The title of this post does not endorse the Nelly remix of Florida Georgia Line’s song.  Yes I admitted to Bieber but even I have standards.

Take last night for instance.

Last night, Patrice Bergeron FINALLY won the Frank J. Selke Trophy.

All is right in the hockey universe.

If you read this blog, or follow our twitter, or just know me a little bit at all, it’s no secret that I love me some Patrice Bergeron.  He is far and away my favorite player on the Bruins and probably in the entire league.

Everything about him is class. From the way he plays, to the way he conducts himself, to the way he dresses, to the permabeard.

Even his acceptance speech was classy.  (Good move, btw, on not forgetting to mention your girlfriend.  Or your teammates.)

You should have seen me in my apartment last night – seal clapping and cheering when that guy from “Entourage” called his name.  Bergeron has played like Selke winner each and every season since joining the Bruins as an 18-year-old in 2003, so it was about time that he was honored with the trophy.

Bob Gainey has won the award 4 times, the most of any player.

Let’s hope that this is the first of many more to come for #37.

About the Selke Trophy
The Frank J. Selke Trophy is awarded annually to a NHL forward who demonstrates the most skill in the defensive component of the game, as selected by the Hockey Writers’ Association.  It has been awarded 33 times to 21 different players since the 1977-78 season.

NHL Awards in Las Vegas!

Bring on the attractive hockey players in impeccably fitted suits.  Bring on the awkward (and hilarious) red carpet interviews.   Bring on the D-list celebrities who can’t pronounce the winner’s name (Martin St. Lewis!).

Here’s who we think is going to bring on the hardware…

Hart (Lundqvist/Malkin/Stamkos)

Should: Chuck says Lundqvist. Pants says Malkin.
Will: Chuck says Lundqvist. Pants says Malkin.

Split decision on this one. King Henrik kept the Rangers at first in the East pretty much all season – without so much as a hair out of place. But the day there is no room for Comeback Crosby on the Pens’ first line is the day Malkin deserves the Hart.

Vezina: (Lundqvist/Rinne/Quick)

Should: Quick
Will: Quick

A league-high 10 shutouts saved the Kings’ 29th ranked offense. Plus, he’s already got the Conn Smythe Trophy and a Stanley Cup, so what’s one more?

*harumph* *crosses arms*

Norris (Chara/Karlsson/Weber)

Should: Chara
Will: Chara

We’re going to have the give this one to Chara. Because you won’t like him when he’s angry. CHARA SMASH!

Calder (Henrique/Landeskog/Nugent-Hopkins)

Should: Landeskog
Will: Nugent-Hopkins

No doubt The Nuge was the more electric rookie this season, but we’re big fans of Gabe the Babe. The potential for Landeskoging tips the scales here.

Lady Byng (Brian Campbell/Eberle/Moulson)

Should: Campbell
Will: Campbell

No defenseman has won in over fifty years – it’s time!  Campbell’s 6 PIM in 82 games would be enough – but he also doubled last season’s production, notching 53 points from the blue line.

Selke (Backes/Bergeron/Datsyuk)

Should: Bergeron
Will: Bergeron

His season was full of Selke-worthy numbers and stats (like winning 53% of faceoffs when shorthanded) so we’re rooting for the highly-underrated Bergeron to be the first Bruin to take home the trophy since 1982.

Adams (Hitchcock/MacLean/Tortorella)

Should: Hitchcock
Will: Hitchcock

In November, the Blues were not good. Enter Ken Hitchcock. They got good. Although their playoff run ended early, Hitchcock managed to change the culture of the Blues and help position the franchise as a team to be watched.

Masterton (Alfredsson/Lupul/Pacioretty)

Should: Lupul
Will: Alfredsson

We admire Alfredsson’s seniority and dedication to the Sens, but Lupul’s comeback from a spinal cord contusion and life-threatening blood infection only to be dropped by the Ducks then put up career best numbers in struggling Toronto?  Our hero.

Lindsay — Player MVP (Lundqvist/Malkin/Stamkos)

Should: Malkin
Will: Malkin

Malkin does it all – including make his teammates better players. Everybody wants to be on that line.

GM of the Year: (Doug Armstrong/David Poile/Dale Tallon)

Should: Dale Tallon
Will: Dale Tallon

Extreme Makeover: Hockey Edition. Tallon brought in seven of Florida’s top eleven scorers. They landed their first playoff appearance in 12 years and first ever division title with money leftover to buy more rats.

"Skinner and Stamkos! (especially for @shan_apolis)"

What could top that, you ask?  @jfrancesw and the man himself.

Man of the Hour

I should definitely be at an open bar party with Jeff Skinner.  Can you hear me now, talking about intern interviews and Mexi-Colas?  I’ll wear a wire so you can all witness it.  Somehow @chialo managed not to faint when meeting Disco Dan.  I would be dead.

Classy coach is classy.

Then Jonathan Toews made an appearance at the party, just to make sure no one was left alive.  Thank you for sharing your pictures with us!  You look so composed, we are proud.  And insanely jealous and planning next year’s trip right now.  Meet us there?

The show was fairly agonizing, featuring some of the flattest jokes possible.  I generally think Jay Mohr’s pretty funny but the obnoxious thing is a bit much for a whole show.  Why doesn’t Cabbie on the Streets host this thing?

Like a boss.

Worse were the guest stars, most of whom stretch the definition of star to its limit.  A kid from The Wizards of Waverly Place? Awesome that he’s a Kings fan and probably fangirlling inside over Luc Robataille, but presenting?  Of course he was worlds better than the Real Housewives.  I thought I was having a stroke when they were introduced, because surely that cannot have happened.  Then Far East Movement performed.  PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC.  TEACH IT HOW TO PRONOUNCE YOUR WINNERS.  Or let Jon Hamm do them all.

Take us with you!

Okay, end rant.  The players, as usual, were adorkable enough to heal all wounds.  Jeff Skinner’s stuttering acceptance speech made me squee.  St. Louis for the Lady Byng was fantastic – someone get this guy an advert deal with Blackberry!  The constant cuts to Toews looks pissy, Bobby Ryan’s mom all teary, Kesler’s hair… man, I love hockey.

If we were in charge, the NHL Awards should we be better.  Like a bachelor auction or a live action SCORE! The Hockey Musical.  And we’d get picked up by this bus… and miss the whole show.

This isn't where I parked my car!

Now, let’s party.  We don’t know where this bus is going and I promise, we don’t care.  Back in October!

I’m not bragging, but I did win.  And Vegas was really fun, even if Tyler Seguin never returned my calls about how to go out dancing when you’re clearly underage, or what the point is of wearing a belt.

In case you didn’t see my speech, I was kinda nervous.  Okay super nervous.  It was like prom times a hundred and I hope all the Seventeen readers (and WUYS girls) were pleased with the suit they chose.  I thanked everyone I could think of – I mean everyone – but I forgot to mention Pants.  I felt so terrible that I made Couture drunk dial her and sing the Jaws theme song from the pool party.

If only they’d done the Calder at the end of the show, I’d have felt better.  It was all awkward all the time and at least I didn’t have to hug the Real Housewives!  I mean, girls make me nervous enough already.

Now that I am an award-winner, I might have to ask for a raise.  Or an allowance.  The girls know I work hard and I’m really good at organizing the ponytail holders they leave around the office (thin for everyday, thick for the gym).  They could pay me Canadian minimum wage, and I could do yard work.  Gotta stay in shape so I can win more awards next season.

]]> http://whatsupyasieve.com/2011/06/23/intern-jeff-skinner-shiny/feed/ 5 http://whatsupyasieve.com/2011/05/03/memo-from-the-intern-desk/ http://whatsupyasieve.com/2011/05/03/memo-from-the-intern-desk/#comments Tue, 03 May 2011 16:35:12 +0000 http://whatsupyasieve.wordpress.com/?p=4939 Hello.  Intern Jeff Skinner is still here.  I bring bagels.  I held Pants’ hair while she got sick after that 24-hour implosion by all that she holds dear.  What does an intern have to do to get a post around here?

One for me, none for you.

How about score 2 goals against France in the World Championships?  Because I did.  I’m also hanging out with Rick Nash and James Neal and you’re not, so there’s that.  And we’re in Slovakia – good thing Pants and I watched Eurotrip before I left, because I know not to drink absinthe or mess with mimes.

Team Canada has gone 2-0 and outscored our opponents 13-2.  While you read this, we are tied 3-3 with Switzerland in the third period.

Oh, I also got nominated for Rookie of the Year.  I know Pants has a weird thing for Logan Couture but you’d think I would get some brownie points for remembering she likes Whatchamacallit candy bars.  Who else eats those?  The most fun part will be going to Las Vegas… and not being allowed to do anything.  Couture and Grabner are both 21 – can I help it if I am a phenom?  Does “I know Eric Staal” carry any weight out there?  Maybe someone will throw an 18+ night so I can at least show off my dance moves.

I'm 21. Um... my ID?

Wish us luck in the World Championships.  I know the WUYS girls are a little caught up at the moment, but Administrative Assistants’ Day was last week and it wouldn’t have killed them to make me a cake.

Get it? I'm Scotty from Eurotrip? (Pants, I know you're laughing.)

All you Fauxnadians better pay attention and cheer for me.  It’s going to be a long summer and there’s no one else to file all your Kris Letang photos in order of descending percentage of whipping his hair.

Sorry, gotta go.  Overtime! (Follow at http://www.iihf.com/)

Update: Oh hey, we won!  Thanks for your support.  Play your Bryan Adams extra loud today, for maximum Canadian celebration.

• April 1st –  Shawn Thornton named WUYS’s Foxy Friday.
• April 5th – He is named the 2011 Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy nominee.

I’m sure that his great player and all around awesomeness contributed greatly to his nomination but you can’t discount the Foxy Friday Effect.

It sorta magical.  Like the “Felix Felicitas” potion from Harry Potter.

Shawn…you’re welcome, buddy.

Below is the presser about #22’s nomination (courtesy of bruins.nhl.com)

Bruins forward Shawn Thornton is the Boston Bruins 2011 Bill Masterton Memorial Trophy nominee, as selected by the Boston chapter of the Professional Hockey Writer’s Association (PHWA).  The Masterton Trophy is given to the player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication to hockey.

“One of the most popular Bruins in recent memory, Thornton’s perseverance in the pursuit of his NHL dreams and dedication to the community embody exactly what the Masterton Trophy is designed to honor,” said Joe Haggerty, PHWA Boston chapter chairman and Bruins beat reporter for CSNNE.com.

Before Thornton earned a Stanley Cup ring with the Anaheim Ducks, he had spent nine seasons between the Toronto and Chicago organizations trying to earn a full-time NHL role. Thornton was traded to the Bruins following his Stanley Cup victory and since has become a mainstay in Boston’s lineup. This season Thornton has achieved career highs in goals and points (9-9=18), but without compromising the physical aspect of his game that he is known for. Thornton leads the team in penalty minutes with 122.

A leader off the ice as well as on, the Charlestown, MA year-round resident received the 2010 John Bucyk Award for his community contributions. Last summer, Thornton organized the first annual “Putts and Punches for Parkinson’s” golf tournament to raise money for the American Parkinson Disease Association. Thornton is also a key player in the annual Cuts for A Cause charity event, where fans bid to shave participating Bruins’ heads and the funds are donated to the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts Medical Center.

The winner of the Masterton Trophy is selected by a vote of the 30 chapters of the PHWA at the conclusion of the regular season. The winner will be announced at the NHL Awards, which will be held on Wednesday, June 22 in Las Vegas.