Welcome to our annual playoff predictions, where Chuck selects teams based on actual hockey things and Pants make wishes on shiny pennies. (note from Pants: Amazingly, we have about the same track record. Maybe I learn things through texting with her.)

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Senators

Chuck: Senators. I know their late season surge is partially responsible for the Bruins not making the playoffs, but come on, people.  There is no way in seven hells that I’m rooting for the Canadiens to win.  Plus the Sens have momentum on their side – they won their last three games vs the Habs and they are riding the hot glove of the Hamburgler.

Pants: WHO CARES? No, really. I think the Habs will win because Carey Price. And I hope they will win because they are predictable when faced by a next-round opponent who could by one of my teams. The Sens have lived up to their “pesky” reputation time and again, and I don’t have the stomach for their upswings now.

Lightning vs. Red Wings

Chuck: Lightning. A deep forward corps and young guns like Palat & Kucherov give the Bolts eletricity in the scoring department.  Foxy Friday Brian Boyle is holding down the 4th line, scored 15 goals, and has even played shifts of defense. We love guys that can multitask. But the thought of losing the Zetterbeard so early in the playoffs….

Not okay.

Pants: Uh, Lighting. Apologies to @lm1485‘s grandmother and the stuffed duck on her porch who wears a Red Wings jersey, but the Wings are on the downward slope away from the top of the League.  We know what it’s like to look around and suddenly, everyone else is 25.

Rangers vs. Penguins

Chuck: Rangers.  NYR went b***s to the wall at the trade deadline and made some very strategic moves to complete their roster.  Rick Nash has been his best against the Pens this season with 7 points over 4 games (3 of which the Rangers won).  Add in the the 1-2 goaltending punch of Lundqvist and Talbot, and the Rangers are a force that should put other East teams on notice.

Pants: PENGUINS. If I learned anything from Grease, it was: what skipping a period meant it was: if I can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Short of lacing up some skates and toe picking my way out there to hold a &$%#ing lead myself (I considered this), the only solution is to focus my energy into a laser beam of love and intention – hopefully one that can move the puck away from the Pens’ net. Maybe instead of watching Grease, I should have kept watching Star Wars. Also, if I haven’t mentioned it in five minutes, I hate the Rangers.

Capitals vs. Islanders

Chuck:  Push.  These teams have not met in the playoffs since 1993 so you know that this is going to be some hype. Islanders are moving out of Nassau Coliseum at the end of this season so that might make give this series and playoffs some extra gravitas, but I think that these teams are pretty evenly matched. High-powered captains? Check. Goaltending? Check. Puck possession teams? Check.  This one is gonna be gooood. #BuckleUp

Pants: Capitals yaaaaaaaaas. But why does this have to be? Why can’t I just want John Tavares and his pleated khaki, double-strapped backpack, tucked-in shirt and first day of school haircut to win in the playoffs? Still, I don’t. As I wrote about in my guide to liking more than one team, you need to prioritize and stick to your guns. Even when the other gun looks like this:

Screencap of My Life by @ambitiouspants

Capitals, don’t make me regret this.

Who are your 1st round picks? Comment below!

Today’s Foxy Friday has played for not one but TWO of the teams in the NHL that fuel my hate fire. But today, I will smother that raging hate fire and look past the jersey.

Today, I will also forget that he is named after one of of the Ninja Turtles and will focus on what is really important on this most special and holy of days.

Ladies (and gentlemen?), meet Raphael Diaz.

This is a man who name invokes images of the Bernabeu, emerald green pitches, and the white noise drone of the vuvuzela, not the Saddledome, sheets of ice, and pop tunes played by a pipe organ.   This 5’11” blueliner was born in Zug, Switzerland, which sounds more like an alien race from Doctor Who than an actually place, and he joins fellow Swiss Foxy Friday Honoree Roman Josi in making us sit up and take notice of that little neutral nation.

We, as true intrepid journalists (!) need to know what other hockey foxes are hiding up there in the Alps.  Is Switzerland the new Sweden?

Like Sue-Ellen, we “right on top of that, Rose.”

Diaz is a newcomer to the NHL, but has already had quite the journey.  He was signed by the Canadiens in 2011 to an entry level contract. He was traded to the Canucks in February 2014, who then turned around before the ink was even dry and traded him to the Rangers a month later. Then in  October 2014, he went to Calgary’s camp on a try-out and ended up signing a one-year contract at the start of this season.

That’s a lot of new jerseys, new locker rooms in new cities, and through it all, he still managed to look like this.

He works out.

If Sidney Crosby and Karl Urban had a baby, Raphael Diaz would be their little bundle of joy.

Hey, girl, hey…

Diaz is foxy because his role model is obviously John Tavares. As a newbie NHLer, it is important to establish your identity early on.  Diaz is working the “Accountant-by-day-Hockey-Player-by-night” look with the best of them.

GET THIS MAN SOME KHAKIS!

I’ve been waiting for you all night…by this pineapple

Diaz is truly foxy when he has no idea what we are saying…

Only if you insist…

…And when he’s acting like a giant toddler.

He is foxy because his eyebrow game is ON POINT, even though his beard game needs a bit of work.

But you know what really gets us? Those smile lines around his eyes

Those just destroy every fiber of my being.

So in conclusion…

Yes, Raphael.  I think we just did.

You can follow Raphael on twitter at @diaz_raphael_61.

If you know anything about me, but know that I love beards and I love tattoos.   Each one on their own is fantastic, but together?

Best Kind of Sandwich

Now go in and add hockey to the mix….

O.M.G.

Perfection.  And thy name is Tyler Seguin.

#Beard

#Tats

As if that wasn’t enough, Seguin is tearing it up right now, leading the NHL in goals with 14 and third in overall points with 24.  At the rate he is going, he might just win the scoring title for the Stars.

But guess who is hot on his heels?

#Lumbersexual

Beard? Check.  Tats? Not sure.

But I gladly volunteer to find out.

Are you also into beards and tats? Check out @beardsandtats. It’s a personal fave.

He’s the cool dad.

My dad also started commenting on everyone’s beards.  Maybe he wants to blog for us. Or maybe the power of the playoff beard is just so great that no one can resist.  I should know better than to look right at it for 2.5 hours.  Now, from a level of crazy I can’t excuse:

Foxy Friday: Derick Brassard

Part-time model

(Somewhere Chuck just fell out of her chair.)

I have a hot date with a Dierks Bentley concert tonight, so I won’t be watching the game, but let’s pretend for a minute Derick is not a Ranger.  Or still in the playoffs.  Heaven help me if this Foxy Friday propels them to a  comeback, I will never forgive myself.  Yet we must call a spade a spade – or in this case, a fox a fox.  Right?

Perfect board definition

His beard is scrambling my brain.  As we said on Puck Daddy, it makes him look even more like Keanu Reeves, only less hipster-homeless-as-art and more… cuddly.

John Moore, maroon with navy is a big gamble.

Derick came over to Rangers with John Moore and Derek Dorsett in the trade for Marian Gaborik.  That is not working out for the NYR at the moment, unless you figure they got three playoff beards for the price of one.  Derick & Co. joined Rick Nash and should start a band called Th CBJ Relocation Program.

Derick talking to his agent about a solo career.

Brass is 26, which surprised me, and from Quebec, which surprises no one.  He had a career-high 18 goals this season.  In 22 playoff games, he has 6 G/6A.

Only 61 people have liked Derick via NHL.com on Facebook – get on that, y’all.  I checked Henrik and he’s got 9,100.  (Crosby = 16,000, justsaying.)

In addition to making the Stanley Cup Final, from which the Rangers will not be swept, Derick is good at other things.  We already talked about his bike riding:

Am I tan yet?

He can also play baseball:

You should see my baseball pants.

Carry your groceries:

In winter, I shovel snow.

Be skeptical about Capitals hockey:

Really? These guys?

Admit his haircut could be better:

High School Musical

Look good without trying:

Fashion sneakers vs. function sneakers

And look good with trying:

Got enough room there, Ry?

While I’m admitting some Rangers are attractive, I might as well give you guys my diary, PIN numbers and confess we missed a bromance.  A great one.  Now it’s gone forever but we’ll always have Mats Zuccarrello’s Instagram.

Scenic route

V-necks for North Americans, Norwegians prefer crew.

Indoors is just an excuse for arms.

Ah ah, you faltered there for a second, didn’t you?  Distracted by MDZ’s curls? Perhaps I need to remind you that Derick speaks French.

Video: RDS – Derick Brassard dans l’Antichambre

Whew.  My high school French is crap but that’s 11:31 of heaven.

It’s the accent.

NO.  As in no, he’s not single, but also NO RANGERS.  These are the rules!

Okay, one more exception – in English this time:

In their first game as Rangers, Brassard and Moore arrived 15 minutes before warm-ups… then Derick had a goal and 3 assists in their 6-1 win over Pittsburgh.  Of course it was Pittsburgh, placed 90% of the way through this post to remind me I hate myself.

Yeah, we get it.

(Un-)Fun fact: Brassard’s ’08 season ended after a fight with fellow rookie James Neal.  Derick took six straight punches, dislocated his shoulder and required surgery.  He’d been tops in rookie scoring at that early date (Dec. 18).  Bet Brass remembered this when they knocked out the Pens this season:

There you have it:  Foxy Friday: New York Rangers are Still in the Playoffs Edition.  Will it all end tonight?  Can Jonathan Quick do this again?

If any teams knows comebacks are possible…

Only if I haven’t jinxed everything.

Can you blame her?

Need help with that sunscreen?

Reminder: Chris Kreider went to BC.  See also: I hate myself.

The Rangers took to the beach in Venice to shake off their Game 1 OT loss and work on their tans.  Pale guys with beards – that’s what playoff hockey is all about.

I thought this was Mike Richards for a second.

I hope at least one guy visited the $5 psychic who told me my entire, very specific future on this boardwalk.  So far, she’s been freakishly right about a lot of things.

She must have given Girardi bad news.

I also hope everyone was wearing buckets of SPF 50.  Remember when Malkin had to sit out a Pens game due to “upper body injury” after an off-day in Florida?  You don’t want to be peeling during the pre-game skate.

Derek Dorsett’s first day out, but Pouliot looks mid-July already.

Chris Krieder-inspired self-loathing aside, the best part of these photos is the conversation I imagined between Brian and Marc:

(Foreshawdowing – note the knee-length shorts.)

Boyle: Was that…?

Ginger Staal: Yes.

Boyle: Was he…?

Ginger Staal: Yup.

As Mats Zuccarello rides by…

Maximum tan surface area

In North American fashion, a guy would wear these shorts under other shorts.  Not so in Europe.  As the first Norwegian to play in a Stanley Cup Final, Zuccarello owns this look – which would get him sent home from Catholic school because his shorts don’t reach his extended fingertips.

Hey, it’s LA.  If you’ve got it, flaunt it.  I can see the US Weekly cover photo and headline: Zach Galifianakis shows off amazing new beach bod!

Thanks to Pam (@sunnyinnj) for sending these over.  She loves trying to make me like guys I think I hate.

We all know that I hate the Rangers, but I am surprised to admit that I don’t hate them enough to hope they lose this series.  It could be because I do not care about the Kings at all.  Perhaps it’s residual emotional instability from being so dedicated to my own hockey team all year – when they are out, it’s like I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeee for the summer.  If other people want to voluntarily stay in school, rock on.

So, who to root for in the 2014 Stanley Cup Final?  My answer is no one.  A great many of my friends are Rangers fans – and a few people I’ve known for 19 years who’ve never said jack about hockey suddenly became Rangers fans in the past week.  They must’ve just missed out on 1994.  There will be no scrolling through the Facebook timeline for me, but I wish those die-hard Rangers fans luck.  (For your own good, not your team’s, and really we need to talk about your life choices.)

On the Kings side, we also have a few resident fans.  Best of luck to you, too.  It’s possible my Rangersrage will surface and I’ll be cheering LA to victory – but they won’t succeed, not if I’m on board.   You’re better off if I stay out here sunbathing in the yard.

I may watch a game to two, and I’ll almost definitely probably watch the Cup be awarded because it’s not the Cup’s fault I find this Final boring as crap.  This will be the year I don’t cry though.  Go on and try me.

Are you guys in or out on this Final?  Freedom or four more wins required?  We should get some of you to write about it, because unless Chuck is watching Rick Nash, it’s time to break into all the posting material we save for summer.

Winning makes me cuter.

I like the Hawks a lot, and they bailed me out of some frustrated west coast years when I couldn’t watch Eastern Conference teams.  But it’s not the same, cheering for someone you like when someone you love is out of the running.

Glorious, I’m sure.

That said, I do enjoy watching hockey when it isn’t trying to kill me.  Yesterday I took three (3!) separate cat naps during the Hawks/Kings game and I still didn’t miss a single goal.  This may be my superpower.  Or my dream life, where I am a princess who gets to watch hockey all day without performing peasant tasks like standing up or walking around.  That’s so basic.

Perhaps I could get a butler – anyone know a few unemployed guys?

Could you repeat the job description?

[Insert creeper photo of Crosby sleeping on a plane yesterday that I can’t bring myself to post, but I certainly will point at –> HERE.  I hope he made it to Nova Scotia in time to see @alisonsykora.  Also note, I was not the only one sleeping during the game.]

The Blackhawks won 3-1.  Jonathan Toews is a marvel of modern leadership and ability.  I get so in awe of him that I picture Crosby climbing the telephone pole outside to cut my cable wires.  After his nap.

Hossa and Saad each had two points.  It certainly wasn’t a one-sided game though: the Kings outshot the Hawks and 6 of their 26 came from Jeff Carter.  It’s shaping up to be a great series and better rematch of last year’s WCF, which Chicago took 4-1.  After all, this time they’re playing for pizza.

Full funny Twitter exchange here.

Meanwhile, Saturday on the east coast, the Rangers beat the Habs 7-2.  Rick Nash finally scored (NYR goal #7, totally clutch).  The Rangers’ power play that went o-for-350 in the first two rounds (okay, 0-for-32-ish) had three PPG.  I don’t know how this happened and I don’t care, but I hope it never happens again.  Chuck enjoyed herself though.  Game two is tomorrow night – I will try to stay awake.

NHL.com has 236 photos of this game.  I’d rather watch 236 hours of the surgery channel.  Luckily in photo #1, this woman’s face:

Put on your war paint.

In non-hockey related news, the Rangers and some of the Tampa Bay Lightning attended Martin St. Louis’ mother’s funeral yesterday [link].  Such a sad story, it’s heartening to see so much support from his friends and teammates.  Not the photogs though, the idea of paparazzi at a funeral is gross.

It was another good night at Camp Pants, but let’s not get too excited yet.  I mean, in-game it’s fine to look like this picture I found by searching “Gibbons gif:”

Thanks, internet.

It’s exactly what Penguins’ fans looked like after the gif I really wanted:

Thanks, as always, @myregularface.

He meant to do that, right?  The fantastic Brian “Cookie Van” Gibbons, who almost wrote his own short joke by scoring shorthanded?  Instead he served it up for BSutts and maximum @alisonsykora reaction.

I celebrated with half a pizza and some chicken wings, because I am American.

Single serving

The Pens had the upper hand all night long, increasing their hold as the game wore on and avoiding the too-common whirlpools of stupidity that have allowed opponents back into so many games.  There was quite a lot of doom-speaking from the commentators about the NYR… “lowest point of the year” and so on.  They said it, not I.  I learn too many superstitious lessons during playoffs, only to forget them all summer long.

The one time James Neal’s face isn’t my favorite face.

The Rangers were held to 15 shots all game.  Four of those came from Rick Nash, who is pushing so hard he’s going to end up in the zamboni tunnel one of these shifts.  That Mats Zuccarello is is quite good, I will begrudgingly admit.

This is my happy face.

Who else is in beastmode?  Malkin-Crosby-Kunitz.  They combined for nine shots, five points and Sid won 67% of his faceoffs.  I do so love Malkin/Crosby together – when they are clicking it’s great fun to watch.   Back in Pittsburgh Friday night it’ll be even more possible to keep them on-ice when Girardi and McDonaugh are off.

Fashion baby.

We still need one more win, of course.  Let’s not call something over until there is no more pizza to eat.

It was almost a luxury to have only one game last night, because how else am I supposed to catch up on Game of Thrones?  Back to the grind tomorrow, as the Bruins try to even their series with Montreal and the Kings look to win a 7th straight and go up 3-0 on Anaheim.  Anyone think the Ducks are getting back in it?

Side note: Sansa, you are an insufferable wet rag.  More Arya, please.

Sansa would never make it through playoffs.

Rick Nash’s “no” face.

Fleury throws another shutout, Pens lead Rangers 2-1

MAF had his second shutout in as many days, standing on his head at times to keep the NYR off the board in Game 3.  Not bad for a goalie who has playoff confidence problems, right?

Prancercize

In case you tuned in late to the game and heard 47:26 of dead air, that’s because CROSBY SCORED (!!!!)  in the first period and the commentators had nothing else to talk about.

Talking.  Who needs talking when you have… goals.  I was going to say goals.

High score

Sid’s goal was set up by a long, beautiful pass from Robert Bortuzzo.  This advertisement paid for by @alisonsykora.

Hoodie by lululemon

The Rangers have played a ton of hockey in the past two weeks, so today gap gives them much needed rest.  Personally, I hope there is construction in all of their luxury condo buildings until Game 4 on Wednesday night.  I made a lot of this delicious chicken mushroom farro risotto, if you want to come over.

Here’s Sid post-game on PensTV, and post-game with Pierre leaning in on NBC Sports.  Can’t blame the guy, honestly.

This hair. I love playoffs.

Kings win again, go up 2-0 over Ducks

So far this series can be summed up with one headline from LATimes.com:

Understated elegance

Marian Gaborik scored 34 seconds into last night’s game.  The NBC announcers were barely in their seats before the puck was in the net.  After his last-minute tying goal in Game 1, then the OT winner, Gaborik sure is “fitting in” – so well I bet he got randomly drug tested during first intermission (probably by someone from the Blue Jackets).  He is on fire, and so are the Kings.  This is their sixth straight win.  Jonathan Quick is playing like he did in their Cup run.  Hell, they had Jeff Schultz on D last night and they still won!

Marian Gaborik vs. The World

Down 2-0 in a series is not really “must win.”  If anyone proved that, it was the Kings in R1.  But the Ducks are reeling.  History may be destined to repeat itself but if Anaheim doesn’t win in GM3, I don’t think another legendary 0-3 comeback is happening so soon.

Look out behind you.

Tonight it’s Bruins vs. Habs in the battle for a 2-1 series lead, followed by the Hawks quest to go up 3-0 over the Wild.  Are you surviving?  How is anyone getting any sleep?  Who washed my Toews shirt on hot so it shrank into a size only James Neal would wear?  I think I need a break.  Even Pierre is off tonight – 20 games in 20 nights?  Big deal.  We’ve watched at least 40.

Penguins and Rangers series tied 1-1

The Pens had a shaky first period Friday night and got themselves down 2-0 like they think every game needs to be crazy a la Round 1.  No thank you – because it doesn’t always work.  The Rangers won in OT.  Just as well I was on a Twitter ban and only talking to Alison.

Sad Brad scored on his birthday. I hope his ice cream cake melted.

Last night, I was at a dinner and trying not to check the score.  Go home and watch the whole game, right?  Ha!  Zero will power.  I did pass my phone around the table for independent verification of the score, then had more celebratory sangria.  I watched the game afterward – fast-forwarding through Pens’ penalties, which was pretty much the entire first period.  Nisky for roughing – in hindsight, I can love that.

Incoming Geno hug

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Still no goals for Crosby or Nash.  (See what I did there? I almost hope you don’t, it’s so bad.)  At this rate, they’ll find that missing plane before one of these guys scores.

Want to see my Art Ross Trophy?

Blackhawks lead Wild in series 2-0

Friday night’s game was tied 2-2 until Patrick Kane decided it was time for this goal:

If this blog had audio, I’d whistle.  That’s so good it’s worth another goal, which Kaner scored 8+ minutes later to put the Hawks up 4-2 and shut the door (won 5-2 on an EN).  Sunday afternoon, playoff hero Bryan Bickell extended his point streak to five games with 1G and 2A.  Remember how many points he had last year?  17 (9G, 9A) in 23 games.  He’s got eight points in eight games so far this post-season.

Must. Have. Points.

Patrick Sharp didn’t have any points in the game (he had 1A on Friday), but he wore these shorts and we think that counts for something.

Somewhere Toews can’t find his shorts.

Bruins and Canadiens tied 1-1

After PK Subban’s double-OT winner last week, the Habs were up one game to none.

BeardWatch

Remember Boston lost the first game of the last series too, then adjusted and won four straight.  They got back on that track with a come-from-behind 5-3 victory Saturday, which I watched from the elliptical runner at the gym.  I can go a lot of miles fueled by my dislike for Brad Marchand.  That said, four unanswered goals in the third period (one EN) made the B’s look more dominant that the scoreboard showed.

“Ha, little man.”

Kings take first game, lead Ducks 1-0

I wish this series could be weekends-only, so I could stay up for every game.  It was worth the late night Saturday – I caught just the 3rd and OT – to see Marion Gaborik tie the game with seven seconds left.

God, that is SO exciting when it’s a) your team or b) you don’t care who wins!  Gaborik scored again in OT.  I still have the Ducks taking this series, but the Kings are going to make me look stupid every time I don’t pick them.

Five in a row, and counting.

Tonight the Penguins and Rangers are back at it, this time in NYC, and I will be glued to the TV and (trying to stay) signed out of Twitter.   Late night it’s Game 2 of Kings vs. Ducks.  It promises to be really exciting and also excellent for your productivity at work tomorrow.

Must… watch… hockey…

We bid Round 1 farewell with this announcement: I am no longer 100% right. Thanks for nothing, Avs and Sharks!

Current predictions score: Pants – 6 of 8, Chuck – 4 of 8

Rangers do one thing for me, beat Flyers in series: 4-3

When the Flyers are knocked out of the playoffs, regardless of year, other teams or life in general, I have a moment of bliss.

Bubbz always.

The Rangers came out strong in GM7, then got back on their heels while the Flyers surged late.  Sound like any other hockey teams I know?!  King Henrik was the difference maker yet again.  New York will get one day of rest and of my gratitude, then it’s back to work and hating them Friday night in Pittsburgh.

Admiring his own face on the Jumbotron.

In other breaking news: Rick Nash has no playoff goals. This is apparently the only Rangers storyline available so tell your friends. It will be broadcast continually on sister station Radio Crosby.

For the record, I do hate the Rangers more than the Flyers.

God, that is a thin line.

But I’d rather the Pens play the Rangers in R2. The Flyers bring out the Pens’ most infuriating problem – composure – while playing Pittsburgh seems to ignite Philly’s tenacity.  The Rangers are no easier opponent but at least it will (hopefully) be the Penguins playing, not Hurricane Neal and the Tantrums. Watch me hate this decision later.

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

There’s only one reason for us to miss the Flyers in May.  Give it a moment, then move on.

Maybe he’ll grow a summer beard.

Wild take it to OT, take series from Avs: 4-3

Game 7 overtime?  Someone hold my hair back.  The Wild got there with a goal at the 17:33 mark of the third, and it only took 5 minutes of OT to put the Avs away.   Nino Niederreiter, who sounds like an imaginary friend at a tea party, had two goals including the OT winner.  Listen to the clang off the backbar.

Yowza.  This is the first time the Wild have gotten past R1 in 10 years.  The Wild have this headline and I confess I laughed (just once):

I hear a rimshot.

We’ll miss the Avs kids who were having a blast out there, but MacKinnon, Gabe and the boys have many years of playoff hockey ahead of them.  Gabe’s beard though… bummer.

Sad first, then shower and selfie.

Kings win 4 in a row, collapse Sharks series: 4-3

Sharks gonna shark.  There are so many bad jokes – Sharks get bitten! – but the worst of all is San Jose’s record of playoff choking.  That said, we should have all picked the Kings because they know how to win 4 in a row (and then some) in pursuit of post-season glory.  Plus their bandwagon fans are famous and sparkly, and the NHL could use a few entertainment column inches.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

You should hug Sharks fans today – that was eviscerating. Sweep? Sucks. Reverse sweep?

Come back with carbs.

Round 2 starts tonight, with the Bruins and Canadiens (and Chuck) asking everyone else what took so long.  Typical dates, we’re never ready when they come to pick us up!  This series is going to be like the holidays with family – everyone knows each other, hates each other and every old crime comes out in a stress-spolsion.

Save us a good seat, okay?

Elevator to Chuck’s party.

Penguins take years off my life, defeat Blue Jackets in series: 4-2

What are we supposed to do?  NOT hope for leads because they get snatched away? NEVER want a power play for fear of giving up a shorty?  I don’t know which end is up except the Penguins won so hallelujah.  Columbus played their pants off and boy, were they having fun right up till that final buzzer sounded.

Can we still come to your All-Star Game?

I will say nice things about them in the off-season.  You guys can say them now. They’ll all be true and I won’t read them because I am busy going to Round 2.  The Pens found some dominance in Games 5 and 6 – even if they didn’t hold it for 60 minutes, it felt good to know it’s still there.

I AM SCORE THREE TIMES.

Besides CBJ, the off-season isn’t so bad.  Ask the Stars:

Source: Instagram, Instagram

Is there an Instagram filter called “Leg Hair” used on Seguin?  Also, is it weird the thing I’m most envious about in these photos are that it’s warm enough to wear shorts?  This winter has ruined me.  I digress.

Back to business: In case you missed it, Sidney Crosby has no goals. Maybe you didn’t hear last night’s commentators repeating it like a rosary or you failed to see the hilltop bonfires lit to spread the news from town to town.  It’s like the scene in 101 Dalmatians where every dog in London barks at the same time.

Yes, Captain.

The only real question is: how many goal-less playoff games until Superstitious Sid tosses the yellow Crocs?  (Answer: Never. They are hideously fun, so be glad for them. He could have gotten black ones.)

Silly, his black Crocs are for formal occasions only.

Brooks Orpik, it takes a man to stand front and center in pink-on-pink businesswear. Or, since it’s probably designer, salmon-on-salmon.  Elle Woods Approved.  Taylor Pyatt’s back there looking perfectly pastel acceptable in lavender and it’s no mistake Megna’s standing up front in that outfit. Just a mistake to stand next to Borts, the handsomest Penguin you’ve never heard of.

Only one beautifully bracketed addition today.  Everybody else is headed for a one-game cage match.  We’re going to need beer and bandages.

Day 14

Wild: 5; Avalanche: 2 [Series tied 3-3]

The Wild and Avalanche (two of the three NHL teams whose names are not plural) were locked at 2 goals a piece for nearly 30 breathless minutes.  Finally, with his second goal of the night and powered by chocolate milk, Zach Parise scored the goal Minnesota paid him $98 million over 13 years to score.  Well not the only goal, but you’ve got to get the first one first.  Add in two Wild ENs because Patrick Roy loves to pull goalies early and Minny forces this series back to Denver for Game 7.  My money is still on the Avs, but it’s not $98 million worth.

Kings: 4; Sharks: 1 [Series tied 3-3]

Three in a row – done. Why not four? The Kings scored three goals in 2:46 to break this game open and fuel what could be an historic comeback in playoff hockey.

Only three NHL teams have ever pulled off a four-straight resurrection [great stats on 0-3 comebacks].  Usually fans of the trailing team start fantasizing about this at the end of Game 3.  The last time I was still talking about it after Game 6?  Red Sox/Yankees, 2004 ALCS.  Chuck and I know it can be done.  The Kings clearly do too.  But the Sharks?  They’ll need to reset their heads and play like they were, not like they are.

Ask for Thursday off now, Wednesday is going to be a late one.

Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it.

Tonight now means more to me than ever.

Rangers at Flyers – Game 6.  You know what I’m going to do? Root for the Rangers.  Though I’d be fine with PHI taking this to seven and then losing, it’s a little too close.  I would rather Pens/NYR in Round 2. Pittsburgh showed composure in R1 through plenty of tough situations, so I have faith they can hold it.  Just something about the Flyers brings out the worst in me them… but GAH I kind of want to play the Flyers, I ADMIT IT!  BLOOD AND FIRE!

Someone should check on me later.

The networks have all kinds of on-hiatus hockey players pitching in as commentators during these playoffs.  Let us make the offer official: Alex Pietrangelo, you and your currently unemployed hair are welcome here anytime.

This look will be missed.

I think we could even use a pool man now that the Stars are available.  We don’t have a pool, but…

Leave Hartnell and the socks at home.

Ducks eliminate Stars: 3-2

This one hurt.  We were all falling a little in love with Dallas, or at least their Twitter account.  Let’s hope that doesn’t get a summer vacation.

Like so many game in this post-season, the Stars had this one and they blew it.  The Ducks scored two goals in the last 2:10 to tie the game, then won it shortly into overtime.  It’s all summed by this beard and the scoreboard which I’ve helpfully left visible for anyone who likes to wallow in misery.

99% beard, 1% brows

It’s hard for me to understand the rage Corey Perry causes people without watching him in a long series against a single team.  Now I really get why he’s good at it and why other fans hate him.  Round 2 will be an in-state series vs. the Kings or Sharks.

We’ll never be far from an In-N-Out Burger!

Blackhawks eliminate Blues: 4-2

Sorry Blues.  (I’m not, not at all.)  After being up 2-0 in the series, they dropped four in a row to the defending Champs and are on their way to summer.  Here’s what you need to know about Chicago going into Round 2.  Patrick Kane can score in OT [video].  Jonathan Toews can score in OT on a breakaway:

gif by @cjzero

And Patrick Sharp can score on a breakaway while someone puts their stick blade in his perfect face:

gif by sportsblogging.tumblr.com

Bruins eliminate Red Wings: 4-1

Oh happy Chuck.  How nice it must be to root for a team withs so few weaknesses and also the ability to fix them.  In Game 1, the Bruins played with all the speed of Red Sox’s David Ortiz.  (Non-baseball fans, this is sarcasm.  The man cannot run.)  Starting in Game 2, they went faster… and it worked.  They will face the Canadiens for the 257th time in NHL playoff history.  Everyone hates each other, prepare to die.

Video: Bergy has some sleepy-voiced things to say.

Thus the bracket has been bracketed three more times.  For the record, so far I’ve been right 100% of the time.  Chuck is currently at 75% since she didn’t pick the Canadiens.  She would never pick those jerks.

For those of us with teams still battling to the pain:

Rangers lead Flyers: 3-2

The Flyers figured how to win once at MSG and they’ll need to do it again to survive this series.  But first, they have to win Tuesday night at home.  They held the NYR to only 22 shots Sunday, but the Rangers capitalized on what few chances their persistence and speed (and Flyer mistakes) could generate.

While I want both teams gone, is there anyway they could just leave the beard?

Sunday post-game interview: Gingertime Sadness

Penguins take series lead over Blue Jackets: 3-2

I ditched a bachelorette party mid-bar crawl to catch the end of this.  Of course I refused to leave even after Letang’s EN goal just in case.  Kunitz had 1G, 1A plus 7 SOG and 6 hits.  Throw that body around, Sock Monkey!  Fleury bounced back (See? SEEEEEE???) stopping 23 of 24, while the Pengins had a whopping 50 shots.  Game 6 Monday night, I’ll be on the floor of my living room in a fort made of pizza boxes.

Dog days are over?

Kings stay alive again, still trail Sharks: 3-2

Well what do you know, the Kings have staved off elimination twice now.  The first four games of the series averaged 7.75 goals per game.  Jonathan Quick gave up 16G in that stretch, but found his mojo Saturday and the Kings won 3-0 in an orderly fashion.  Can they do it again Monday night or will the Kings leave LA’s perpetual summer for regular old summer somewhere else?

Pelvic thrust.

Avalanche take lead over Wild, Errrrrrybody Mad: 3-2

Remember me raging about the disallowed Tampa Bay goal back a ways?  Well the Wild had plenty to say about this oh-so-close, offsides-or-on moment with less than 1:30 to go in Game 5.  There was no call on the play, so of course the Avs scored and forced overtime.

Image by @johncanref

Offside say the Wild media | Inconclusive say the Avs media

If the Wild had won, we wouldn’t still be talking about this.  Too bad the Avs have TriWizard Tournament hopeful Nathan MacKinnon with his 2nd goal (and League-leading 10th point) of the playoffs.

Monday night Colorado will have the chance to reach Round 2 for the first time in 6 years.  Guess who else they’ll very likely have?

Hey girl.

Duchene’s go/no-go will be announced after the morning skate.  We say go.

What this all means is that three more bracket spots could be locked Monday night, or any of three series could need a Game 7.  I could need blood pressure medication.  Just another day in the playoffs.  Stay ready.

Canadiens: 4; Lightning: 3 [Habs win series 4-0]

It looked like OT until Max Pacioretty, who I still have trouble remembering is American, scored his first ever playoff goal with 43 seconds left in the third.

And the crowd goes wild.  Literally.  I don’t care for/about the Habs but a moment like that melts my heart.  Much has been made of the Habs being the only Canadian team in the post-season, and they haven’t advanced past the first round since 2010. They become 2014’s first playoff bracket move:

Farewell to the Bolts, whose beards we will not get to enjoy.  We’ll give Stamkos a week to mope then we expect daily Gary Roberts workout videos.

You’re welcome.

So Lightning fans, who will you root for now?

Bruins: 3; Detroit: 0 [Bruins lead series 2-1]

The Canadiens will await the winner of this series, which is getting fiesty slimy.  In the grand Detroit tradition of throwing octopi on the ice, a fan tossed one during the anthem.  Chances are it wasn’t Justin Verlander because it came up short, sliding gently into Tuukka Rask’s skate like it was afraid of becoming sushi.  Tuukka gave it a well-deserved look of disgust and proceeded to beat the Red Wings in reply.

Gif by Twitter/@PeteBlackburn

Brad Marchand barely dodged a potentially terrible knee-on-knee hit from Brendan Smith – then went down and grabbed the wrong leg.  I have to mention it, you know that about me.  Video/Gif/weaksauce explanation at CBS Sports.  Better examination on Days of Y’Orr, including a Marchand gif that makes me want to stab myself in the face.

Rangers: 4; Flyers: 1 [NYR lead series 2-1]

This game can be summed up in two images:

I’m still rooting for everyone to lose but even I had a little bit of fun at the end there.

Sharks: 4; Kings: 3 [Sharks lead series 3-0]

It took OT and by far the Kings’ best result in this series, but in the end it was still the Sharks and their weird beard dreams taking a chokehold lead on this series.  BU’s Matt Nieto scored his first playoff goal last night – yay for days!  The Kings will try to stay alive Thursday night.

HNIC Bio: Matt Nieto

Read this adorable Hertl/Nieto rookie BFF story from the SJ Mercury News.  They better have those Minions in the locker room.

For tonight…

Pens and Blue Jackets are up first thing evening, as if anyone has recovered from Saturday night.  The Stars and Ducks are on early (8PM ET), so you can see Jamie Benn’s face/Jordie Benn’s beard and if they’re able to even that series.  The Blackhawks will try to take two of two at home from St. Louis in the not-quite-so late game (9:30 PM ET).

These little recaps are really helping make sure I have at least looked at every playoff game.  That said, they are 3-minute looks.  If I miss something good, let me know!  I can’t be everywhere and Mr. Pants is already really tired of the playoffs.

Blues:4, Blackhawks: 3

Look,  overtime is one thing.  Triple overtime is two more things but is there anything more annoying than waiting 17 minutes of intermission in the middle of the  damned night just for someone to win it 30 seconds into the next extra frame?

Aside from being the team that loses that way, I mean.

Coach Q, how do you feel about this game?

I can’t stop laughing.  I hope Joey, the Junior Reporter didn’t see that!

Avalanche: 5, Wild: 4

Since all the cool kids who won the Cup last year were going to OT, the Paul Stastny of the Avs thought that sounded brilliant.  He tied it with 14 seconds left [video].  GAH, that is what Playoffs are about!  Paul enjoyed that so much, he did it again.

Look at Nathan MacKinnon with the hugJUMPhugJUMPhugJUMP.  19 year old puppy.

Rangers; 4, Flyers: 1

I hate everyone but wow, Giroux’s beard is already amazing.  It was the only positive thing about this game for the Flyers, who gave up goals 2 and 3 in 47 seconds while I was brushing my teeth.  If they Flyers could do that every time I left the room, I’d stay out my whole life.

G’s beard looks even more orange because Jakub Voracek and Scott Hartnell have dyed their beards black for the playoffs.  I’m torn between saying, “Well they can’t look worse.” and “That was cool when Mike Green did it.”  Photos by the only officially Flyers-related person we like: @sbaickerCSN.

Just to be fair:  The Rangers changed their homepage to look like Tumblr and I hate that too.  Sad Brad Richards had three points and I bet he went home and laughed while making 6 AM tee times under the name “Tortorella” at every golf course within 50 miles of wherever Torts lives.

Sharks: 6, Kings: 3

This game was “mostly dead” in the first with the Sharks up 3-0.  In the second, they scored 2 more.  But to start the third period, the Kings came out and got 3 goals.  I don’t know if it felt like they could really climb the entire hill (thoughts? I was asleep.) but that has got to help their confidence in an otherwise brutal loss.

Tomas Hertl had one of the Sharks’ goals – looks like those water aerobics he used to recover from injury really paid off.

The Bruins kick things off against the Red Wings tonight (finally!), while the Habs/Bolts and Ducks/Stars will go again.  Ryan Getzlaf expected to be in the lineup with his new Frankenface.

Enjoy!  I hope all of your teams lose!

Oh Ginger Staal.  It’s too bad you’re the only Staal I’ll never like because I would like to like you.

(Crank the volume on this one.)

“Don’t pick a chain restaurant. ”  Bahahaha.  Marc, you’re alright for a Ranger.

Here’s a longer/better version of the outtakes, where Ryan McDonagh gets direction on how to use his eyebrows.  Which are also, er… what was I saying?  I hate the Rangers?  Right.  I do.  But come on:

How does neither of these guys have a Foxy Friday?  We have featured at least 4 Rangers (Cally, Hank, Girardi, Boyle) and only one – maybe two – of those guys is better looking than MStaal or Ryan’s eyebrows.  I’m not going to write it myself or anything insane, but even I’ll admit this makes no sense.

Welcome to #Ryantown.

For heaven’s sake, I went to tag this post and Ryan McDonagh’s name doesn’t even pop up.  We have never once mentioned him?!

Here’s the second Rangers ad, in which I become convinced Sad Brad has a sense of humor, because he must have agreed to be picked on.

This campaign promises more ads to come. For now, some of us need to step away from the blog before we do something crazy.

But:

While I can, I have to enjoy this.

Even this Instagram photo of gratuitous ginger has no power over me today.

Meanwhile in the West… remember the west?  Before they playoffs?  It seems like a hundred years since I’ve seen these teams, but they certainly remember how to win.

The Blues were undefeated until last night too, when the Sharks beat them to stay flawless – and mildly insane.  Admit it, the Sharks are crazy people.  In a good, wildly-bearded and foul-mouthed way.

So, how’s your team doing so far?  Still feeling the buzz off-season optimism, or is the sleepy, “this is going to hurt tomorrow” feeling starting to creep in early?

I feel good.  But that might still be about the Rangers and Flyers losing.

The internet is KILLING it today!  Hank directs a Head & Shoulders commercial and finds that if you want something done PERFECTLY you have to do it your own perfect Swedish self.

Between the slow motion and the leather jacket, we are a mustache away from a Mangum PI remake.  Starring a vampire.

(Thanks again to Lindsay, official finder of things that make our day.)

Henrik Lundqvist is probably a vampire.

I read a lot of young adult fiction, which clearly qualifies me as an expert on this topic.  Not just Twilight, but Chuck and I are racing through The Mortal Instruments series and everyone’s saying we need to read Vampire Academy.  My point was proven yesterday when I assumed everyone knew that vampires are very fast.  Apparently their secrets are still safe from some humans.

Look at these photos, consider the traits they capture and tell me this is a normal human being:

• Ridiculously handsome

Click any photo for higher res, or visit the new edition of MrPorter.com.

• Preternatural agility, speed and reflexes

• Nearly unflappable calm

You may ask (I hope you’re not asking guys, come on. Really.) how a vampire could show up in photos.  Well it worked on Buffy, and around here what Joss Wheadon says, goes.

• Classic, elegant style in keeping with any era of history.

• Does pretentiously uber-wealthy things like lie on pianos over imported tile without irony

• No reflection in this window

• Doesn’t age

• Sparkles in the sun

• Lives in the city that never sleeps

• Perfect teeth

• Casually eschews basic human prejudices, like wearing black with navy

• Visits Italy

GQ.com feature

• Feasts once a year, in the playoffs, on the bright red blood of the Washington Capitals

I’m onto something here, I can feel it.  Maybe it’s because I just finished A Discovery of Witches (not YA, thanksverymuch), which reads like 594 pages of describing King Henrik to someone who’s never watched a Rangers game.

Now excuse me while I put on Concrete Blonde’s Bloodletting and plan my Halloween costume.

Last week the Rangers, Devils and Islanders promoted the pair of outdoor games they’ll play at Yankee Stadium in January as part of the NHL’s Stadium Series.

Welcome to my nightmare: Yankees, Rangers, dead of northeastern winter. While I’d normally rather eat glass, the allure of outdoor hockey could convince even me to attend this game – if the NHL provides the required elements for keeping warm:

1) Snowsuit.  I wouldn’t be able to put my arms down, but who cares.  I don’t plan on clapping for any of these teams.

2) Hot chocolate.  Not just a cup, but an entire backpack dispenser brought directly to my seat.  (Like they do at the SF Giants baseball park, because it’s that cold there in summer.)

3) John Tavares.

Oh, does Tavares have to play?  Well I obviously don’t want the Rangers to win.  John & I can watch the NYR/Devils game together, then during NYR/NYI, I’ll just hug Chuck.

Interestingly, the A is missing from JT’s jersey.  NYR’s Callahan was wearing his C… could a team captaincy be in John’s near future?  Do the Isles want to learn about sedimentary rock strata and other Earth Science topics during road trips?  I think they do.

Plus, who rocks a polo shirt better than a middle school teacher?

Sorry John, I can’t hear over how good your hair looks.  How does anyone learn anything in your class?

In case you missed the Tweetspaz where I spammed everyone with a flurry of JT91 photos from this event, here you go.  If you saw that, well here’s video to make it even better.  You can even have this story about lil’ John playing backyard hockey to the point of hypothermia with mini-Sam Gagner [link].

There’s a whole post worth of hockey players wearing Yankees hats (Mike Green, Viktor Stalberg, the list is horribly endless).  They don’t realize they’re hurting us.

John, we know they made you do this.  (Video of first pitch. It’s precious.)

It’s not the first time. (Bonus: Video of the Mets first pitch.)

 Or the best time. (This one was not coerced.)

What’s that, Hockey News Yearbook cover that was *just* Tweeted (and forwarded by Lindsay)?  You think John’s going to have a great year?

I certainly hope so.  Only him though, not the Isles, because it’s getting REALLY crowded here in the Metropolitan Division with the Penguins, Capitals, Hurricanes… GAH.  At least I have clear priorities.

I’ll never actually root for the Islanders.  Right?

from mistfarer, tagged #boyfriendfilter

Crap.  Well someone’s got to play the Flyers.

There were other players/teams at this event, and I know some of you care about them.  Don’t say I never gave you anything.

For the Isles fans – I don’t know what Athletes Quarterly is, but I probably should.  This is adorable.

Now, is it October yet?