John Tavares, middle school science teacher, registered tax lawyer and upholder of dad-styles, scores to tie the game with 53 seconds left, giving his team the chance to clinch their first playoff series victory in 23 years.

Just when you think it's over…#FLAvsNYI #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/hoetdpkeEI

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

Then John wins the game in double OT – which is waaaaaay past his bedtime, y’all.

John Tavares IS Captain Clutch. #StanleyCuphttps://t.co/sKMZzymhJv

— #StanleyCup Playoffs (@NHL) April 25, 2016

The Empire State Building says “Hey Brooklyn”, while the tears of Rangers’ fans fuel my sweetest dreams.

Orange and red look really similar at 100 floors, but…

There is hugging.

I hoped they were going to do the Lift from Dirty Dancing.

And, as ever with John, helmet hair.

And front page news is made.

Okay, it’s back-page news, but on a tabloid. #same

Now when we write a Disney movie based on this blog, it’ll just be clips of last night.

I hope John celebrated wildly after the win. That he rushed out without even ironing his shirt collar, then drank ice tea, but in a pint glass so it looked like beer.

#protip

As mentioned, the Isles last won a playoff series in 1993. As a Pens fan, I remember this victory – it ended Pittsburgh’s bid for a third-straight Cup. John does not remember: he was 2 years old. I consoled myself by blasting The Bodyguard soundtrack and singing along to Whitney Houston in the shower – because it was the #1 album, and I wasn’t old enough to drive.

Was there a vote? I missed it.

I’ll soon be back to work, hoping every team (that isn’t mine) loses every single game. Two losers per series, zero winners, except the Penguins. Such is my playoff bloodlust that I would bend the rules of reality to my will. But for now, I’m taking a moment to be happy for John, because you know this is his wildest, lifelong dream of an aw-shucks moment.

Internally screaming

John Tavares, Prince of Khakis, may be second in perfection only to Cabbie, who seems to have a live feed of my inner monologue running in his comedy lair. He always knows exactly what everyone will find funny – the players, the fans, my inner teenybopper.

Hipsters are so hip they’re really not very hip at all anymore. Even beards are so ubiquitous they are becoming passe. While trends may come and go, one thing never changes: John Tavares.

First of all, he is wearing khakis. Witness him in his natural habitat:

Secondly, his teeth are PERFECT. Too perfect, and at a little fake, since we did see him pull a few out on TV that time. I haven’t been so dazzled since Hilary Duff got veneers.

In the interview, John claims he’s a good wingman. I bet this is true. He is profoundly handsome, the better for distract any girl’s friend(s), but – let’s be honest – not everyone wants to talk about compound interest with a guy who offers to buy them a white wine spritzer. (I do, though. I really do.)

But if you’re into middle school science teachers (::raises hand::), please note and praise that John is at least not wearing white socks. A lot of work goes into these outfits, people. And then there are his loafers.

Loafers. Dear Lord.

Photo from BarDown.com

A true gentleman, John is game for every joke fired at his gosh-darnedness. From the NHL Awards to this… if John were faking the nice guy act, he’d be an Oscar-winner. And now, the glasses:

Objection: We love glasses. [Exhibit A – Foxy Friday: Glasses] Cabbie gets a demerit for choosing terrible glasses that most hipsters wouldn’t even wear. Maybe he was worried John would look even more scholarly and Halloween sales of schoolgirl costumes in Canada would skyrocket. I happen to think a nice pair of rectangle frames would look great while John reads a textbook on sedimentary strata of the Cretaceous period.

Finally, because he had to, the man bun. Was this wig part of a hipster costume? It better resembles a samurai wig… or me every day right now on Sunday.

Thank God we can be sure John will never become a hipster. He may panic when he realizes not a single Brooklyn retailer has sold khakis since ’99, or, if the Isles play well, maybe khakis will become hip. Maybe polo shirts and the word “gosh” will pervade an ironic subculture. Either way, no one will pull it off as perfectly as John.

PS: John is sick, and missed both games this weekend. I imagine him weakly ripping up his spreadsheet on which calculated the usefulness of a flu shot. Get well soon! Try the wheatgrass-kale-cardamom latte with echinacea boost, it’s ayurvedic.

I have high hopes for a pirate Halloween costume.

Take this in: Sidney Crosby woke up on roster photo day and did not shave. Good gosh. He probably ironed the folds in his living room curtains, ate a PB&J at exactly 8:07 AM, put his clothes on in order of threadcount, but he did not shave. Crazy, right?

No. Because everyone’s doing it.

And for JT, I’m thinking Indiana Jones for Halloween.

Literally everyone. John Tavares, who are you? Is that a kinda-beard? For someone who doesn’t know what hipsters are, you’re looking pretty… pretty. Like a pumpkin spice latte wrapped in a houndstooth scarf that insists on riding its bike until the first snow falls. Gotta get to that middle school science class you’re teaching!

You know, Indiana Jones was a kind of science teacher.

Please let scruff be this season’s thing. We’ve had long hair and tattoos creeping toward necks-slash-featuring graveyards and… #ScruffWatch2015, please. A season-long build up to BeardWatch could be just the inspiration we all need!

Right guy, wrong movie.

Here are links if you’re the type to enjoy a HUGE version of Sid’s photo. Just give up, everyone else. (There appear to be a few pixels missing right under his nose. Clearly a Flyers fan Photoshop hack, yes?)  Here’s the entire Penguins headshot gallery.

Also enjoy the Islanders roster, looking monochromatically dramatic.

These pictures are gigantic. You could make a life-sized cardboard cutout of John Tavares… and marry it. (I say “you” because I am already married. Is it polygamy to marry a photo? What if it just rides shotgun while I drive in the carpool lane?)

“Listen up Fives, a Ten is speaking.”

[Note: I can’t find a single .gif of Princess Unikitty from The Lego Movie saying, “Marry a marshmallow!” and my despair nearly derailed this whole post.]

As promised.

For heaven’s sake, even Kessel is rocking a gingerbeard, because he reads important news sources like this blog. Let the makeover begin.

Make that a Pittsburgh Ten

The general reply has been, “Not all Isles fans are like that.” Of course they’re not. Many of my friends are Isles fans, and they’re none of the things these people exhibited Sunday – racist, homophobic, threatening. I rooted for the Caps on Long Island last winter. It’s not the best example: impromptu game = no Caps gear + stomach flu > limited cheering or movement for fear of throwing up on glass/players/TV. But I was in the front row! Even the Isles bench saw me cheering for the Caps! Sorry, John! Still, the Isles fans I met were all friendly and polite – and possibly worried I was contagious.

Maybe no one noticed me down there like a Hobbit.

That doesn’t remedy the awful truth of what happened Sunday. No one should ever have to feel unsafe, bullied or personally demeaned over team colors (or anything, but that’s a rant for another blog). I guarantee each team has a small percentage of belligerent (especially when drunk) fans “cheering” for them. You can’t pick your “family,” right? That doesn’t mean we will do nothing. We’ve seen these people. Maybe sat by them. I hope we do – and going forward, always will – intervene or at least reach out with support to the opposing fans. Because you can pick your friends – and these people look fun. I want to go to a game with them:

Photo from www.drivenbyboredom.com/bsides

It seems the Long Island situation was not properly addressed by arena security, but some Isles fans did their best to help. Good on those people. Especially because the number one person who would not condone poor sportsmanship is Captain Science Pants himself, John Tavares. In November, he personally reached out to a young Isles fan who was bullied in Winnipeg. Shame on fans of any team who don’t follow his example.

I hope the “bad apple” Isles fans in question had horrendous, vengeful hangovers and are crushingly ashamed. I also hope the Caps kick their team’s collective ass in Round 1. Karma! (Again, sorry John.) Either way, I’m anxious to hear if Caps fans attending Game 4 at the Coliseum tonight experience a more welcoming atmosphere generated by all the good Isles fans who don’t want to be painted with that same brush.

I’ve been to NHL games in 13 arenas: Boston, New York Islanders and Rangers, New Jersey, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Raleigh, Atlanta, Chicago, Colorado, San Jose, Los Angeles and Anaheim. People always ask me if I worry about wearing my Pens gear there. I’m not. As popular as the Penguins are, I am rarely alone even in my row or section, and there’s a healthy contingent of black and gold in every rink. But wearing a Crosby jersey means you’re begging to get razzed! Mr. Pants laughs; he thinks I’m waiting for someone to come at me, so I can try the moves I learned from Miss Congeniality. (S.I.N.G., ladies!)

And yet, my experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. I don’t mean chirping or some boos. That should be expected and, when handled well, is all part of the fun. But we should also expect it will stay good-natured and. I hate to think I’ve just been lucky – I prefer to think almost all hockey fans are better than those who threatened the Caps fans Sunday.

Don’t get mad, get on TV. (Photo credit: RMNB)

Instead of aggression, I’ve more often encountered the casual sexism that assumes women know nothing about the game. (Sid, your jersey is still not helping.) Luckily, I am equipped to sass that unsuspecting interloper right back to the bar. And I enjoy it.

Guy at Caps game (pointing to my Crosby jersey): “Wouldn’t you rather have a real man?”
Me (pointing toward the ice): “But Mike Green looks busy.”

I’m also ususally with a small group, or sometimes even by myself.  Going to a hockey game alone is a bit weird, but I honestly don’t mind, even in my away team kit. If it’s the difference between seeing the Pens or not, I’m going. At worst, I pay unparalleled attention to the game. At best, I make friends with the people around me. (If you haven’t guessed, I’ll talk to anyone. I’d talk to a tree.) Someone being rowdy would have to say it right to my face. It’s easier for a drunk or coward to shout anonymously at a group, which makes it all the worse that individuals within the Caps group were targeted Sunday with specific harassment.

As I said, most of my encounters have been great.In Atlanta, a guy on the upper level concourse and gave us his group’s unused tickets eight rows off the ice. Perhaps this is why ATL didn’t make it, but I got to watch a Malkin hat trick up close. Thank you, anonymous man! When the Pens scored in Anaheim and the crowd sang, “Who cares?”, all the Ducks fans behind us pointed down and yelled, “She does!” At a Caps game, I was one of only a few Pens jerseys in the VIP area when this guy walked by:

There was one WTF moment at a Pens vs. Rangers game at the Garden, circa Thanksgiving 2011. I was with a female friend and male cousin, both NYR fans. Some guy still felt the need to tell me he hopes Crosby gets run over by a car in front of his parents, so they have to watch him die. He actually said that out loud. Before I could even formulate a response, the other Rangers fans around us were telling the guy off. They apologized to me. One of them, some girl I didn’t know, even paid for my beer. Rangers fans! And me! Having a drink together! World peace is possible. (Also, the Penguins won.)

The only place I might not wear my Crosby jersey is Philly. Still, jersey or not, there’s no way I keep my mouth shut for three periods. Maybe it’s better to announce my intentions? I bet @DLF1021 and @sunnyinNJ, in their black and orange, make great bodyguards. This lady did okay.

Have you ever experienced a truly bad fan interaction at a game?  I certainly hope not, because we’re all hockey fans. We have a lot in common, and also a lot to lose if/when the teams and League struggle. We should stay “frenemies” whoe love to hate each other until the final buzzer. There are bad people everywhere, but I’d like to think enough of us are cool to drown them out. Hopefully, those are the Isles fans we hear about tonight.

Welcome to our annual playoff predictions, where Chuck selects teams based on actual hockey things and Pants make wishes on shiny pennies. (note from Pants: Amazingly, we have about the same track record. Maybe I learn things through texting with her.)

Eastern Conference

Canadiens vs. Senators

Chuck: Senators. I know their late season surge is partially responsible for the Bruins not making the playoffs, but come on, people.  There is no way in seven hells that I’m rooting for the Canadiens to win.  Plus the Sens have momentum on their side – they won their last three games vs the Habs and they are riding the hot glove of the Hamburgler.

Pants: WHO CARES? No, really. I think the Habs will win because Carey Price. And I hope they will win because they are predictable when faced by a next-round opponent who could by one of my teams. The Sens have lived up to their “pesky” reputation time and again, and I don’t have the stomach for their upswings now.

Lightning vs. Red Wings

Chuck: Lightning. A deep forward corps and young guns like Palat & Kucherov give the Bolts eletricity in the scoring department.  Foxy Friday Brian Boyle is holding down the 4th line, scored 15 goals, and has even played shifts of defense. We love guys that can multitask. But the thought of losing the Zetterbeard so early in the playoffs….

Not okay.

Pants: Uh, Lighting. Apologies to @lm1485‘s grandmother and the stuffed duck on her porch who wears a Red Wings jersey, but the Wings are on the downward slope away from the top of the League.  We know what it’s like to look around and suddenly, everyone else is 25.

Rangers vs. Penguins

Chuck: Rangers.  NYR went b***s to the wall at the trade deadline and made some very strategic moves to complete their roster.  Rick Nash has been his best against the Pens this season with 7 points over 4 games (3 of which the Rangers won).  Add in the the 1-2 goaltending punch of Lundqvist and Talbot, and the Rangers are a force that should put other East teams on notice.

Pants: PENGUINS. If I learned anything from Grease, it was: what skipping a period meant it was: if I can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter. Short of lacing up some skates and toe picking my way out there to hold a &$%#ing lead myself (I considered this), the only solution is to focus my energy into a laser beam of love and intention – hopefully one that can move the puck away from the Pens’ net. Maybe instead of watching Grease, I should have kept watching Star Wars. Also, if I haven’t mentioned it in five minutes, I hate the Rangers.

Capitals vs. Islanders

Chuck:  Push.  These teams have not met in the playoffs since 1993 so you know that this is going to be some hype. Islanders are moving out of Nassau Coliseum at the end of this season so that might make give this series and playoffs some extra gravitas, but I think that these teams are pretty evenly matched. High-powered captains? Check. Goaltending? Check. Puck possession teams? Check.  This one is gonna be gooood. #BuckleUp

Pants: Capitals yaaaaaaaaas. But why does this have to be? Why can’t I just want John Tavares and his pleated khaki, double-strapped backpack, tucked-in shirt and first day of school haircut to win in the playoffs? Still, I don’t. As I wrote about in my guide to liking more than one team, you need to prioritize and stick to your guns. Even when the other gun looks like this:

Screencap of My Life by @ambitiouspants

Capitals, don’t make me regret this.

Who are your 1st round picks? Comment below!

Why yes, I’ll tune in.

I didn’t get to see the show, but it re-airs Friday at 10:30 PM.  Verizon Fios carries MSG almost everywhere, so I’ll finally get my million-dollar cable bill’s worth!

For now, I’ll survive on these clips – MSG: Beginnings

The club can’t even handle me right now.

I’m 30 seconds into the first clip – John goes back to his primary school – and I’ve died 211 times. (Shorter but much higher-res version of clip here.)

Who picked out this shirt? Is it made of wrapping paper? Pay them.  John walks around, frowning modestly and pointing at things.

Here’s the “Most Likely to Wear Khakis as an Adult” plaque.

He narrates, which puts me right into a coma, but that’s cool because the last thing I saw were his calves so you can just let me sleep a while.

And here’s the “Best at Tucking in My Shirt” banner.

John was obviously good at every sport, which you know because he doesn’t say so. He casually picks up a basketball, remarks how long it’s been since he played, then sinks 10 three-pointers in a row.

He shoots…

I may be exaggerating to compensate for the way John downplays everything, or because his t-sleeve can’t fit over the golfer’s tan on his bicep.

He scores.

There’s also a clip of John reminiscing on going into the OHL at 15 years old, and having his jersey retired by Oshawa last season.  His mom makes an appearance. Where is her award, for raising the only guy in the world who doesn’t seem to realize that John Tavares is John Tavares?  He really has no idea, right?

Gee, is that what I look like?

Yeah, it is.

On second thought, I think John knows a little.  Exhibits from the JT Gif Hall of Fame:

Chosen by @RoseTintedVisor

Chosen by @RealScarlett01

Chosen by Pants (mine and yours)

Right before this show aired last night, the Isles shut out the Rangers to take over first place in the Eastern Conference.  Not a bad preview before your movie, Tavares.  John leads the team in goals (19) and points (39).  His next game is Friday vs. the Penguins. Maybe we can get a repeat of this:

We guess what they were talking about when this was taken.

Photo credit: Ryan Pfieffer/Metroland

Does this marshmallow cloud have seat belts? Otherwise all the kittens are going to fall off.

Photo credit: Ryan Pfieffer/Metroland

It used to be there was nothing better than John’s humble awkwardness (which lives on, of course):

At least you can’t see my bowl cut.

Now we also get this:

Plaid suit, because John takes notes.

Apparently John did summer training with Ralph Lauren.  While he wasn’t doing squats, he must have been tying windsors and choosing lapel cuts because yes.  100%.  This suit is so good, I assume PK Subban picked it out.

Can Crosby go to this camp? (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

In 223 games over four seasons with the Generals, John scored 183 goals and a total of 453 points. 453 points?! He had a 72 goal season in ’06-07. This back the day when footwork and skating were openly discussed problems in John’s game, which he worked on relentlessly until, well, you can watch him now.

Vintage.

I will openly discuss that I don’t need more good teams in the League. I have enough Metropolitan Division problems and the Penguins have Islander problems even when no one else does. But please, someone field John a team that is deeper than one line and figure out how to keep it together. I want to see more prom-style award acceptance photos.

This guy.  (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

The Islanders season kicks of October 10 in Carolina.  Could this be JT’s year?

#agreed

TWO scoops of ice cream.  Go crazy.

John turns 35 today… kidding, he’s 24.  Yes, in human years.  This clearly demonstrates why the Prime Minister of Canada only has to be 18, while President of the United States must be 35.  We just don’t make ’em like John down here.

Sid looks jealous.

Way back in March 2012, we featured John as Foxy Friday.  We dig the ‘hot middle school science teacher’ vibe, and let’s be honest – we need someone to file our taxes. Since then, we’ve spent many a post discussing tucked-in shirts, how nervous John gets when interviewed by a woman and that time he was selected Islanders Captain and said “heck” in his speech.

This is me being cool.

John is the perfect blend of awkward and awesome, of boy-next-door and we-grew-up-in-the-wrong-town.  If we ever go back to school, we’ll just print this blog out and hand it in as our senior thesis on John’s choice of pants.

Before.

He’d appreciate our use of the Scientific Method.

After.

Editor’s note to self for next blog: it’s tough to search posts about “pants” when you call yourself “Pants.”  But all talk of pants is good.

How you doin’?

Since being hurt in Sochi last year, John missed the end of a very promising season.  We can’t wait for him to come back in all his dorky glory, hair sticking out the top of his helmet, and give Crosby a run for the Hart.

That’s right, I said it.

May this be the season when Googling “John Tavares gif”:

This guy.

Gives you only John and no other hockey players.

What about me?

Because he’s worth it.

Beat it, it’s MY birthday!

So Happy Birthday, John Tavares and happy almost-hockey season to us!

We can’t keep a straight face either.

Bless Snapchat.

We weren’t in the right place at the right time (never are!), but that doesn’t stop us from guessing that John and Sid were talking about in this hallway:

– Belts

– “Are your trousers slim cut? ” “No, all my pants fit this way.”

– Is John’s taking fashion tips from the oddly disheveled Trivago commercial guy?

– “Did you see that WWII/digging of the Panama Canal/how to build a Greek trireme special on History Channel?”  (Kidding, you know they watch Ancient Aliens.)

– How right-handed John does anything with his watch on his right wrist.

– Still belts.

– If you don’t recognize John without his full name, report to WUYS for detention.

– “I wonder what Pants will say when she sees this photo?”

“And if I don’t get what I want…”

– If Sid really had been arrested, would this have been his mugshot?

Noted criminal Sidney Crosby

– In addition to teaching science, John is in charge of the middle school Thanksgiving play. What does Sid think of these Pilgrim shoes?

It bugs him not to stand right on the X.

– Was shirtless beer pong discussed at this meeting?

“So I invited said her friend could join us…”

– In his tenure as the Dork King, John has ever looked as dorky as this?

First day of school

Is this the tightest shirt Crosby owns, or if there are more?

Made of Kevlar.

Why the Isles don’t have a PR person who takes pictures like this?  (Do they want one?  I might know somebody.)

This life, so hard.

No, really.  Pens PR Snapchatted this when the day was over.  Someone give this woman a raise, lands and title, crown, etc.

I’d get fired for taking this picture.

– Did this made John nervous?  More or less nervous than when we watch him at warmups?

That hair out of place at the back though.

This is going to be the best season, I can feel it.  Then next summer, Sid & John will take their blossoming bromance on tour like Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake, discussing  sound investment strategies and fancy stats in a city near you.

Man, I really need it to be October already.

Since it would appear summer has really arrived, it’s time to find other things to write about.  First up is the best thing currently happening on the internet:

LEGO John Tavares (legojohntavares.tumblr.com)

Oh yes.  An entire Tumblr of mini-fig Captain John doing hilarious and random activities, like getting a dog, building a sandcastle and, of course, celebrating Easter by destroying a NY Rangers egg.

Please consider three important things:

1) Someone made this.

2) That someone was not me.

3) No one told me about it.

Me finding this Tumblr was like Harry Potter finding out magic is real and other people can do it too.  This is my person.

This idea is especially perfect if you’ve seen The LEGO Movie, because you know JT91 is about following the instructions and being a team player and he undoubtedly gets ready like this every morning:

The John Tavares Tumblr tag is basically blank.  I know he’s been out ages but come on, people!  We’re never going to get Johnny T summertime suntan boatselfies if you don’t… okay, we’re never getting those anyway.  Still the off-season doesn’t mean you can just forget about people.

To the mind behind LEGO John Tavares, we salute you.  We understand you.  In fact, we invite you over for a barbecue and if you want to stay and be best friends forever, well that’s okay too.  The rest of you, remember:

We still can’t center things.  Blogworld problems.

The Caps and Islanders hosted casino nights last night.  The events benefit wonderful charities, but “Crush on Mike Green” is not a deductible category on my taxes.  At least not when “Married, Filing Jointly.”  Perhaps in Canada you can claim “Pretending I Can Count While John Tavares Deals Blackjack.”

I hope John’s a slow dealer, because hockey + cocktails is already more math than I can handle.  Read about the event here and see more photos here.  If there’s video later, I’ll post it.

Unrelated to casino night but very related to things we love, here’s the Winnipeg Sun story about John sending a signed jersey to an 11-year old Isles fan who was bullied at a Winnipeg Jets game.  Perfect guy is perfect.

The Caps don’t have a story or photos up yet.  They must’ve partied harder and the web team is sleeping it off.  Their Instagram managed a few photos:

How many drinks before I say, “Mike Green, your hair is too short!”?

But luckily the DC news was up early – Fox 5 TV – Caps Casino Night.

The event featured Ovi’s blue jacket:

Underage gamblers:

And the Brouwer Rangers modifying their suits into Power Tuxes.  Helmets and all.  No offense NYI, but this looks more like our kind of party.

Hoping for a more in-depth analysis of Mike Green’s hair in tonight’s broadcast.

That is, assuming he has any.  I certainly can’t control mine – this ad campaign gives me the stupid giggles, defeating the obvious intention to hypnotize me with John’s voice.  I half-heard it while dozing off, but I’m suddenly inspired to buy a lot of shaving cream and an Islanders jersey.

Try saying, “I’m really excited” without sounding excited at all.  You can’t.  It’s impossible when we’ve gone from this:

To this in five months:

From @NHL

Aces.  It’s a Before & After when the before was pretty freakin’ great to start with and the after is just bam! – messy hair and boyfriend sweaters.  Not to say the pleats and belts have gone away – I hope not, honestly – but it seems like someone is reading this blog for fashion suggestions & approval.

And we approve.

If you’re going to be a part-time model, you have to raise your game (face).

https://twitter.com/HeatherTrussler

On Saturday vs. Philly, John had a goal waved off because of a marginally, microscopically earlier penalty by a teammate.  He was furious (and rightfully so), but the outburst was so emotional that @DLF1021 and I laughed.  Remember that time in November he got an unsportsmanlike minor for yelling at a ref?  I forgot this face could do that.

John will be included in the first episode of NHL Revealed, airing Wednesday Jan 22. There are commercials for this in Canada, but I haven’t seen any stateside and I can’t find them online.  Just as well – I’m supposed to be controlling my emotions.

John *just* scored to tie vs. Philly 1-1.  Emotions not controlled!

With that John moves to 2nd in the NHL in points.  Get excited.

(By the time I got to post, the Flyers have scored again and John drew a penalty.  So we’re still getting there.)

To spread some holiday spirit to our Islanders fans friends, who are having an apocalyptically rough time right now, this is the cutest thing you’ll see all day. Come back and find it any time you need to be cheered up.

Note the way John keeps looking at the camera and kind of smiling.  He is even polite to inanimate objects.

Also, here are the Islanders shopping for toys [video] a few weeks back.  Nice people doing nice things for a good cause always makes me feel Christmas-y.

Ohgosh. @ambitiouspants Submission of the Year: the Isles video of this hospital visit in which John tells a child, “Don’t be shy, we’re not scary.”

Any more warm fuzzies and I can go without heat this winter.

To be in the front row for the Capitals @ Islanders game at Nassau Coliseum!  I always sit at the glass for warm-ups but it was my first time being so close the entire game (and probably my last, unless Chuck marries Tyler & Marshall).  I’ve always wondered what it was like down there, so here are my thoughts from the good seats.

1. The ticket was $50.  If you’re traveling or live near a team that struggles with attendance, check StubHub.  The three nice Canadians behind me also bought their tickets 24 hours out for $50 each and we had a bargain basement blast.

Actual 1st row.

2.   The front row is awesome.  I was practically on the bench, right next to  backup goalie Kevin Poulin.  I was the first person in the arena who was not an Islander.  At any moment, Doug Weight might have yelled at me.  It was very cool to hear them talking, calling line changes, making plays.  Watching up-ice rushes at speed, with bodies in every lane and shots caroming everywhere, gave even me a new appreciation for how players see the ice.

3. At the same time, it’s also not that awesome.  In Nassau Coliseum, the bench is on a riser.  The front row is not and it’s an extra foot back from the boards.  That’s why I look like a Hobbit in this picture and Poulin looks like Gandalf.

10 year old girl next to me is kneeling on her chair.

4. It’s extraordinarily cold down there.  In the much-maligned Coliseum, insulation was not a priority. Other buildings are less frigid, but after 2 hours cold is cold.  I thought about asking Poulin for his sweater, since he clearly wasn’t going anywhere.

5. The biggest, most obvious truth about the front row is you can’t see.  Even if everyone is still and you stand up, this is it:

Or you could slide forward and awkwardly get in everyone’s face like a creeper.

But in motion, half the ice is blocked and you watch on the Jumbotron overhead.  So you trade half the game on TV for the other half up this close:

And being that close is, er, distracting.  Except during TV timeouts where it’s pretty much watching beads of sweat roll down John Tavares’ face while the guys in your section holler pickup lines at the Ice Girls through the glass.

Hockey right in front of me… and I’m looking at the bench.

Obviously knowing I would be so close (and not feeling well), JT shaved off his mustache one day before the end of Movember.  He is the only player I’ve ever seen whose hair sticks out the top of his helmet.

I didn’t have any Caps gear with me, and ended up not cheering much at all for fear of being sick again.  Mostly I wallowed in my cold, amazing seat and hoped the Caps would win while at the same time feeling bad for the Islanders.  Tavares had about 8 amazing scoring chances and his frustration was palpable.  A few rows back, a guy in a Caps jersey and Red Wings hat (what?) yelled, “MIKE GREEN, YOU’RE NOT GOOD!” every time Mike touched the puck.  If I need to throw up again, I was headed right for him.

The game was exciting.  The Isles pulled ahead 2-1 with under 2 mins to play, then Nicky B scored a shorthanded goal at 19:11.  Everyone got a point before Ovi brought home the +1 in overtime.  I may have jumped out of my child-size seat.

In the end, if I never sit that close again it’s okay.  I actually prefer the cheap seats, up high where I can see the entire ice and yell inappropriate things with no chance of the person I’m yelling at actually hearing me.  Still if you get the chance, it’s well worth it to experience hockey in a completely different way.

Side Note: A Farewell to Barns

Much of my front row experience was exclusive to the Nassau Coliseum.  We know it’s the most hated arena in the League and the Islanders are moving out in 2015.  The cramped single concourse layout with sloped ceilings, terrible bathroom lines and a damned door to the outside cold every 10 feet makes it the arena equivalent of an Atari.  But I must say the Coliseum has a certain old-time hockey charm.   Like an aged college arena, it feels nostalgic.  The fans were as decked out and lively as any place I’ve been.  I saw my first ever NHL game at the Coliseum back in 199-something, and a little piece of my hockey youth will be laid to rest when they lock these doors.  I was glad to go back one more time.

CUT TO: Point of view shot of Pants’ phone.

CUT TO: Reaction shot.  Hold for 20 minutes.

END SCENE.

Sometimes, I just lose it (ex: Matt Niskanen and That is Not a Turtle) and last night this set me off.  When I finally calmed down enough to Google and read, I saw that John Tavares got an endorsement deal.

BASED ON HIS FACE.

Okay, maybe 91% based on his face, 5% being great at hockey and trying to make Canada’s Olympic Team and 4% needing to shave this off:

But still.  His face.

John obviously should have endorsements based on hockey.  There’s the one with Reebok, sort of, shared with Talbot and Duchene.  Otherwise blame the combination of the Isles record, being third team in a market and hockey’s lack of overall American popularity for the reason you don’t see him in Modell’s or Under Armor or the random store by my house that has a Crosby Reezig display.

This Gillette deal?  It’s because:

From Business Wire:

Gillette Canada announced today that it is joining forces with Team Canada Olympic hopeful John Tavares to help Canadians get their ‘game face’ on in support of our hockey stars as they go for gold at the Sochi 2014 Olympic Winter Games.

Tavares is the new ‘face of Gillette’ in Canada and represents how both precise preparation rituals and the right equipment are essential when putting your ‘game face’ on. The 2013 Hart Trophy Finalist knows having his game face on is absolutely crucial for success – whether on or off the ice. Tavares is a two-time gold medalist at the World Junior Championships and a hopeful to make Team Canada’s roster for the Sochi 2014 Olympic Winter Games.

Next thing you know he’ll  be selling khakis for The Gap.  They are always trying to make khakis happen.

Whoever made this, bless them.

Of course, I’m kidding.  All accolades really ride on John’s incredible talent.  A #1 draft pick who earned his Hart Trophy nom (if not the trophy itself, Ovi you jerk) last season, he continues to carry his NHL team and aims to be a big part of Canada’s push to repeat for Olympic Gold.  Can you imagine a safer spokesperson for a brand?  He’s probably thanking them by restructuring the company’s 401k program before putting up  their Christmas decorations using environmentally friendly tape while baking gluten-free cookies.

Gif by @ambitiouspants

John will also be part of Proctor and Gamble’s returning “Thank You Mom” campaign.  You Canadians will get to see all of this on actual TV but for once I’m okay sticking to online.  It means I can control when the inevitable happens:

John’s Gillette ad campaign will launch in December, presumably with the elimination of the Movember mustache .  Keep an eye out for his face in print, TV, online and the inside of my high school locker.

Hi-res left/right

Jeez, Stamkos.  Leave something for the mere mortals.

These are (again) from the Sharp for Men November ’13 issue photo shoot.  You can download the issue for your iPad here.  All photos by @MattBarnesPhoto.

If you download the issue, you get a bonus behind the scenes video of this photo shoot.  Did I mention it’s only $2.99?  It should be $299.99.  Of you could have Lindsay, who went to great lengths to make sure I/we got to see the highlights:

Whose job is it to soak just the chest of his t-shirt?  Does that require a Canadian government security clearance (which I would never get because of this blog)? And one of those shampoo visors from the 80’s that fits around his torso?

It’s exactly, perfectly half of his shirt.

Not that you’re looking at his shirt anymore.

Kidding, I’m kidding!  Nice watch.

His legs are rather skinny, which must be the aerodynamic prototype for, say, skating 100 MPH or static jumping 7 feet in the air.  Also the reason for creating slim-cut suit pants.

This one is my favorite – just Steven and a thermostat.  Insert “Is it hot in here or just me?” joke.

So stylish and composed, yes?  Classy and unflappable?  Not entirely.

Congrats to Steven on being Steven and winning awards.  It’s what he does.  This time it might just work on a larger scale – the Lightning have won three in a row and sit atop the Eastern Conference.

The Bolts have… hang on.  My phone is ringing.

Hi John.

What’s that?  I cut off the standing above the Islanders?

But you prefer this one and I have to include all the way to the bottom?

I get it.   You are not interested in Stamkos’ faux-sweaty t-shirt.  Or his legs.  No, I don’t think special effects are involved in the making of those high-jump videos. Yes, I can stop talking about other players when you’re having a rough day.

I guess somebody didn’t like being reminded about that missed penalty shot back in the day.

Oh, I’m kidding.  Poor John, the Isles traded his BFF Matt Moulson to Buffalo.  In that vein, poor Matt Moulson.   I didn’t know Tavares was the godfather of Moulson’s daughter – that makes me want to cry.

John Tavares talks with Kathryn Tappen about his first NHL goal:

OF COURSE YOUR FIRST GOAL WAS AGAINST FLOWER!  Don’t get any ideas about tonight vs. the Penguins because you are on imaginary boyfriend suspension while playing vs. Pittsburgh.  Those are the rules, Johnnycakes.

He didn’t “have any issues with fumbling it.”  I swear, people.

Guess what else isn’t an issue here?  John’s front teeth are MISSING.  Remember when he pulled ’em out on the bench?  Well those were already fake, replacing the real ones knocked out in preseason.  Apparently he’s no longer nervous around Kathryn Tappen because he didn’t bother to get them put back in.

Video: John Tavares – “Welcome to the NHL” Moment

That’s our kind of guy.

Side note: I missed this picture John Tweeted the other day of his mouth pre-implants.  I’m putting it behind the jump because it’s SUPER gross and I almost cried.  God, hockey players are tough.  I want to hurl.  Un-thanks to Alison for making sure I saw that.

Presumably there is more to this interview which will delay future work in a hysterical bout of blogging.  I am ready.

Source: Instagram

PS: Before you all say, “Remember that time on How I Met Your Mother…,” here is the gif.  Robin Sparkles 4EVA.

John Tavares: “I heard it’s your birthday.  Here, hold my tooth.”

When I was told about this, I thought, “I don’t want to see that but really I do.”

When I watched it, I thought, “OhmyGodGROSSSSSTHATISSOAWESOME!”

This from a man who tucks his polos into his khakis and probably owns more belts than I own shoes.  Just another day at the accounting firm, managing your 401k and pulling out his own teeth on the bench after a puck to the mouth without missing a shift.  It looks like three teeth in that gif, which is truly awful on a loop.  There’s something wrong with me for how much I love this.

Hockey players, people. 

Remember that John lost teeth after an errant puck before training camp, and told Alyonka Larianov that he had a few plastic ones in for now.  Just add these to the list, right?

Meanwhile John is trying to score goals (he didn’t) and get points (1 A) and win games (they didn’t).  A lost tooth or two isn’t enough to keep him off the ice.  In fact, it’s nothing compared to that time a Swiss league player bit him on the neck during a game.

Here’s John after his two-goal performance in the Isles 6-1 win over Phoenix last week.  He wasn’t even one of the three stars that night, despite this hair.

Update: Post-puck-to-face interview from MSG (thanks to our #1 NYI fan, @ambitiouspants).  John doesn’t look any worse for wear.  Perhaps they were false teeth he was pulling.  That would mean bad luck has good aim.

Still, I get one minute less than 8 hours sleep and I’m the the monster from Pan’s Labyrinth, but these guys get beaten with weapons and look just fine.

Take some Advil, drink some water, see you tomorrow.

Tavares shows Roenick around the ice – NBC Sports Network

(If you’re in Canada, enjoy this budget version filmed off my TV, complete with crickets singing outside.)

I can promise you this will go on all season with me.  Get on board now.

After the interview, Liam, Mike and Keith discussed how the disparity between talent and fame has never been more pronounced for a NY athlete than it is with John Tavares.

Not for long, John.  I am here to help.

Sincerely, Your Publicist

When John Tavares does something right, scores a goal and/or tucks in his shirt (so, every day), I’m going to say, “That’s a lot of cows.”

#thatslotofcows

He doesn’t say “yeah,” he says “yes.”  And he loves bread.  ME TOO!! OMIGOD!!  But we need to have a talk about Ovaltine and the possibility, however minute, that JT91 may have never see A Christmas Story.

I have imaginarily broken up with people I don’t know over less.

For now, just leave me here with my chin in my hands, drinking a milkshake, watching this on repeat.

(Kudos to Lindsay for sending this video and generally being the bestever.)