Every April, we wonder how we got here – if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

See also: Ryan Miller, Ringmaster

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

Will again become this:

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

This week, we salute the beards of some Unsung Unshaven Heroes. Marquee name or rookie sensation, it doesn’t matter what their contracts say now.

They fight on – and the proof of is all over their faces.

Read more [HERE]…

511-plus minutes worth of bruises, stitches and scrapes

My brain goes immediately to what MY fight song would be – every time I see Sean Avery I want to skate out there and punch him.

We’ll let Jordan Staal’s Meg Ryan-shag duke it out with Kris Letang for the rights to this one:

And one for Chuck when Shawn Thornton drops the gloves (13 this year):

Where are all my Pens fans?  They have 63 fights on the season – Engelland has 12 of those.  Is there a song about elf costumes for Mike Rupp?  Re-watch this gem and tell me you don’t hear “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne.

You know you have one.  A song that comes on and you immediately want to break something shaped like the Detroit Red Wings.  Or maybe you ended up in charge of the iPod while favorite fighter is sticking up for his guys again (Tyler Kennedy).  Let’s hear ’em.  Tomorrow we’ll do goal-scoring songs.

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

Crosby returned home to Nova Scotia last week.  He is in touch with Penguins medical staff regarding his symptoms and progression.  Coach Bylsma said Monday that he hasn’t “had a lot of contact” with Sid and has no timetable for his return.  I guess if there’s nothing to talk about, they don’t hang out on the phone watching Battlestar Glactica reruns like I do with my brother.  Sid will miss his 14th game tonight.

From the Pittsburgh Tribune Review: Multiple sources said over the weekend that Crosby would not resume normal exercise activity for seven to 10 days, and that the Penguins do not expect him to play against until at least March.

Of course, Malkin is out big time with tears to both the ACL and MCL in his right knee.  Surgery, season-ending – no one is saying.  But they don’t have to.  Mark Letestu is also out 4-6 weeks with knee surgery.  These two plus Sid have accounted for 34.8% of the Pens offense this season [link].  Yikes.

Once there were a lot of these.

Cue the panic. Sportscasters everywhere are screaming that the sky is falling in Pittsburgh.  The Pens are saying nothing; all they can do is play.  What do you think?  Is it time to count the Penguins out for 2011? Am I being willfully ignorant?

For the record (though it should be obvious), I say hell no.  Everyone told me Sunday to “bet with your smarts, not your heart,” but I don’t care.  Remember when the Capitals were coming apart in 24/7 with their 8 game losing streak?  Remember how hard and sad that looked from the inside on HBO?  This is much worse and the Penguins don’t need fans getting scared.  They need us to stick it out no matter who they can put on the ice each night.  They’ve got a lot of heart and any Boston Red Sox fan can tell you that can be magic.  Think positive, boys. I love you.  You can have my $20 anytime.

Rupper, Staalsy and Tanger (Dawn, look how short Kris' hair is!).

And if you haven’t heard the Story of the Week: Mike Rupp knocked over a fan’s beer from inside the glass, taped $10 to a puck and tossed it to the guy.  This from the man who wore the elf costume.  LOVE. [link]

UPDATE: Really?! Every 3 minutes another Pen gets hurt.  Kunitz out, day-to-day with a lower body injury. They’re going to call me up to the NHL any second now, stick a shirtzee on me a send me out on the ice.