(To those of you lobbying for a Cam Talbot feature, you’ll have to wait until they are playing someone I hate in the post-season. I’m not about to let Foxy Friday accidentally help a Ranger right now.)

Not every team’s fate is sealed, but we’re being reasonable with Wild Card possibilities. This likely means someone will go 9-0 and ruin our lives. Forgoing teams that could still make it (Bruins, FlapAntlers), here’s a last look at the Eastern Conference foxes we’ll miss come April 12. Enjoy them while you can.

Philadelphia Flyers

I WON’T MISS YOU. I don’t care how ginger you are, how curly, how shirtlessly beer pong proficient. Two more games vs Pittsburgh will be plenty, thanks. I don’t think about you when you’re not here.

But if UFA MDZ signs elsewhere, I might be allowed to miss him a little.  We’ll have to see how this skate-gash-to-the-neck (warning: gross photo) heals, because we’re only pretending to believe his “I got bitten by a shark” story for one scar. And we’re still waiting for him to request our help in finding dates.

New Jersey Devils

Adam Henrique’s cheekbones lead the team with 40 points this season, and he’s all smiles in this post-game interview from early March.  Maybe he could play baseball in the off-season, after this play.

Columbus Blue Jackets

Ryan “Shameless Charming Kid Prop” Johansen deserved  his own Foxy Friday after the All-Star Game. I mean, the Flying V? What else does a guy have to do? Blame Ekblad.  But someday, Ry – probably right around when you take this girl to the prom.

If you want to speed up the process, stop wearing hats. Because:

Carolina Hurricanes

After they beat the Pens 257-2 last night (close enough), I am not inclined to include the Hurricanes in this post. But Intern Jeff Skinner already volunteered to work all summer, since… well, you know. And I am weak. Plus someone needs to censor what Jeff does while wearing a white t-shirt.

Don’t just give it away, Jeff! You’re not a Kardashian. (Also, he’s scared of rides at the fair. He just wants to wait in line with you and hold your purse. We are raising this guy right.)

Honorable Mention: Jordan Staal. He reminded us yesterday that he still exists/is handsome. Video @penguins.

Toronto Maple Leafs

I don’t think anyone will miss the Leafs this season, especially because our favorite Leaf is Elisha Cuthbert and she’s back on our TV. (You can watch One Big Happy here.) The Leafs are definitely not one big anything, unless it’s a steaming pile of mess, and there is no happy. Even Joffrey Lupul is posting sad lyrics as status updates, like a maudlin 10th grader. [song]

But at least when the season ends, he still looks like this.

HOLD UP. Did you know you can rate Joffrey’s outfits and raise money for charity?! How have we never known this, we’ve just been doing it for free! Our work, going to waste! Visit lupulstyle.com to vote.

Buffalo Sabres

Poor Zach Bogosian, getting traded to Buffalo. Update NY still loves flannel and fried chicken, though.

At least he’s not alone. Marcus Foligno wants to know if, while you were watching his brother captain a squad of drafting drunks at the All-Star Game, you thought about the cold, windswept blue of his eyes [video]:

No? Well, there’s always next year. And alllllllllll summer. Next week we’ll say goodbye to what’s left of the West, then it’s on to the playoffs we go.

The cold kind of always bothered me anyway.

Day 3’s video would have been another mediocre offering but was salvaged by two things: impossibly tight super hero t-shirts and Michael Del Zotto’s samurai ponytail.

MDZ’s hair has always been fantastic and his new man bun is kinda working for me. In case you didn’t know, man buns are cool now.

A thousand blessings the BioSteel Sports intern whose job it was to run to the nearest Target and buy up every superhero shirt in the boys’ back to school section.

Size XS

I laugh at you, Tensile Fabric Strength.

I know not everyone is a fan of Tyler Seguin or his sleeve tattoos, but I leave you with this photo (and my new phone wallpaper) to help you change your mind.

from www.twitter.com/biosteelsports

This shirt is holding on for dear life…and so am I.

Hockey!
Cross-training!
Tyler Seguin slow-motion water bottle squeeze!

Wearing a shirt makes him thirsty.

This year’s captains are Tyler, Michael Del ‘I Am Employed’ Zotto, Wayne Simmonds and Michael Cammalleri, who has been 35 years old for eight seasons.  Seriously, someone look into that.

In Hollywood years, I’m 27.

These videos always make working out look really fun, like elementary school Field Day plus sleeve tattoos and social media.  It makes you want to pursue education and get a real job, like this:

Overlooking MDZ’s ponytail in the name of science.

#CAMP is also your chance to pay attention to some up-and-comers and prospects.  You can see the draft, full team rosters and more photos here: TSN Bar Down.

Editors’ note: Was there something on that page below this?

NopeNopeFlyersNope.

Notable absences include Steven Stamkos, who is reportedly nursing an injury that kept him off the ice at last week’s Barrie Colts event, James Neal and Intern Jeff Skinner, who is making copies in the other room.

Without those guys, I don’t know that I can call Camp Biosteel my favorite part of the summer.  Obviously there are pluses (and biceps), including Biosteel’s enthusiastic use of social media and the fact their beverage probably helps with hangovers.  The main competitor, Andy O’Brien’s Travelling Circus, is not likely to post video or take us out drinking.

But it continues to bring Crosby, MacKinnon, Duchene and Tavares to a town near you.  Next stop: Vail.

Bring it in.

Bro-hug gifs from TSN’s BarDown as well – I cannot stop laughing.

No, all the way.

Tough to compete with that roster, but we’ll take a lot more Camp Biosteel videos for research purposes.  And biceps (while we can still like MDZ).

I  was out Friday night/most of Saturday with no phone.  I apologize to those who texted and Tweeted , only to assume I’d retreated with a gallon of ice cream into a padded room over:

James Neal

UGH. Sad Pants.  In the movies, the jackass, all-skill and no-brains quarterback gets the chance to redeem himself.  I’ve long held out hope James Neal would be that guy.  You all know my love/hate, ‘get your shit together’/’do all that with your hair perfectly styled’ feelings for Neal.  Suffice to say that I thought he was getting there.  I always thought he was getting there, which is why his digressions made me so mad.  Now he’ll get there – I still believe that – with another team.  Should the Pens have waited?  Maybe.  40 goals is a lot to see leave.  But I’m not surprised.  In the end, maybe this trade gave Neal what the Penguins tried to give him for three years: a lesson in growing up, accompanied by a swift kick in the ass.

In return, the Pens got Patric Hornqvist and Nick Spaling.  Hornqvist once scored 30 goals, and nearly every one from right in front of the net [brilliant chart].  Unless I was watching a different Penguins team, this was never Neal’s main job.  He scored from everywhere, did so often, and was a danger any time he stepped onto the ice.  Grumpy Pants is not getting happier here.  Spaling, according to The Tennessean, can “do everything.”  Like have a career-high 13-goal season, one time.  Sure these guys have qualities the Pens want, “grit” being chief among them per new GM Jim Rutherford.   I’ve never watched either of them play.  But this seems to put more onus on Crosby-Kunitz-Dupuis (oh God, welcome back) to carry the Penguins scoring – and when they don’t deliver, burn down the world!  For all the people who said “Kunitz is only Kunitz because of Crosby,” no one ever said “Neal is only Neal because of Malkin.”  Geno can’t turn Hornqvist into a 40-goal guy.  Let’s hope Hornqvist is ready to do that himself.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop watching or talking about James, or hoping he gets this right.  You don’t have to find someone in Nashville.  Maybe those folks will find us.

Michael Del Zotto

The Predators will not re-sign MDZ and today he becomes a UFA.  This is a tragic loss of potential bromance with Neal.  Hair product stock prices dropped.  Nashville girls pouted and cranked up their sad country songs.  Oh wait, that was me.

Danny Briere

To Colorado!  When I see news like this on TV in a bar with no sound while the people around me are talking about pizza, it’s hard to react appropriately.  After a hundred years as a Flyer and one as a Canadien, during which he and the team much maligned each other over playing time and performance, Danny Briere will join the Avalanche’s wild young potential.  Will he play more there?  No.  But I’ll watch them more.  The Habs get PA Parenteau and a 5th round pick in return.

Ryan Kesler

When Kesler ended up on the trading block, he reportedly limited his destination options to the Ducks or Hawks.  Must be a nice world where you can make those kinds of demands.  After a flurry of panic-inducing Patrick Sharp trade rumors, Kes went to the Ducks.  The Canucks got Nick Bonino, Luca Sbisa and a first round pick and a later pick they swapped for Derek Dorsett.  Is that a fair deal to send a guy like Kesler to a division rival?  If you believe the Vancouver optimists, Ryan’s 30th birthday at the end of August basically signals the death of his career anyway.

It’s always a good sign when you Google Image search someone and it suggests you ad “abs” to your results.  If nothing else, Ryan will look good on that So Cal beach.

Sam Gagner

Oh Sam.  The Oilers broke up the band by trading #TeamSam to Tampa Bay for Teddy Purcell, in a deal that Lindsay somehow made happen with her mind.  Five minutes (okay, maybe forty minutes) later, Sam was bounced again to the Phoenix Arizona Coyotes in exchange for BJ Crombeen.  The guy got two Foxy Fridays, then he got traded twice in two hours.  Sorry if that’s our fault, somehow.  One hilarious fan made a Tampa Bay “Thanks Sam” tribute video.  Sam, well, it’s time to admit that I’ll probably never see you again.  Nothing against the Coyotes – it’s not you, it’s me.  And at least it wasn’t #TeamEbs. (Sorrrrrrry.)

More, more, more to come all day.  No one is safe.  I’ll be watching like this:

Waiting for the moment when Matt Niskanen signs somewhere else…

The Tyler Seguin/Michael Del Zotto bromance that began Instagram-tastically with this:

Has continued both online:

And in real life:

The Predators had a three day break, and what better way to spend it than arriving early in Dallas for the NCAA Championship Game?

Let me be clear: I would not watch basketball if you paid me.  But I would watch it with these guys.

Tonight, you can be a part of Tyler & Michael’s Date Night as the Preds face the Stars at 8:30 PM ET.  Dallas is fighting for the last wild card spot in the west – they need to win tonight.  Will Tyler stay with Jamie?  Or leave him for DZ?  Drama.

Since it’s what Chuck would want, let’s assume the season that began with Tyler wearing a cowboy hat on my birthday [video] will live on into playoffs.

Tyler has a career-high and team-leading 36G and 46A for 82 points this season. The The Bruins are far from hurting without him, but he has rebounded nicely after being shipped off to Dallas.  We’ll see how far Texas can take him this year.

When summer comes for Seguin, that’s not such a bad thing either.

DZ’s pool hair… I can’t. [source]

And after summer, there is always next season.

And hello to their off-season golf shorts, boats-on-lakes and selfies.  Amirite?

Who will carry on this proud tradition while Gabe makes the post-season?

Before it’s over, a last look at some players we haven’t looked at in a while.

Adam Henrique

Someone just asked for more Adam Henrique around here and we are nothing if not obliging.  Did you know Adam was named one of the NHL’s Three Stars of the Week twice this month?  He was #2 the week ending March 2, with three consecutive multi-point games and the team lead in PPG and SHG.  Then he was #2 the week ending March 9, scoring a League-leading 5 goals to round out a 6-game streak with 9 total goals.  It took him to the team lead in goals (23), which he now shares with Jagr.

The week ending March 16, Adam didn’t win anything.  But he did look like this and we think that’s worthy of applause.

(SI.com: The Devils could still make the playoffs.)

The Oilers

Pound Puppies.  From the high to the low – no Oilers are winning any prizes these days, unless it’s a summertime lifeboat trade off the Titanic.  Edmonton’s lost their last three by scores of 5-2 (Sharks), 8-1 (Flames) and 3-1 (Sabres).  The Calgary game was especially ugly, featuring another fed up fan throwing a jersey onto the ice.  And Ben Scrivens throwing it back.

Edmonton Journal story: Scrivens defends the logo.

His aim is pretty good – maybe he should be a forward.

Speaking of forwards with good er, bad aim, Taylor Hall slammed a water bottle and soaked coach David Tennant Dallas Eakins.  It looks far less dramatic than it sounds, and why does every Canadian news outlet link to this crappy YouTube?  Are you saying even in Canada no one was watching Flames vs. Oilers?  Now that carries some sting.

Both #TeamHallsy and Coach Eakins spoke of diffusing the situation [link].  It doesn’t change the numbers (EJ: RNH, Eberle, Ference second-half slumps), the standings or anything but what the team may look like when October comes around again.

Intern Jeff Skinner

Aw, Skins.  He leads the Canes with 27 goals, just four off the pace of his Calder Trophy-winning rookie season.  Everyone said he scored so many (then sophomore slumped so hard) because defenders realized they needed to defend him.  Either they’ve forgotten again or Jeff’s beating them – either way, nice rebound.  The off-season could bring big changes for the Canes coaches and players, with Jeff rumored to be on the trading block [link].

This job ain’t easy.

Jordan Staal

A name I haven’t said in ages, Jordan has 15 goals and 39 points.  It could almost look good compared to his trade counterpart Brandon Sutter’s 11G/13P.  Then you wake up and realize BSutts plays for the Penguins and Jordan is a Hurricane.  They were really going to be something, right?  I thought them a bubble team at least.  Maybe next year, or any one of the other contract years Jordan didn’t want $60 million to play 3rd line Pittsburgh center and ever see the post-season.

Tumblr caption, better than mine.

Shea Weber

Without the Olympics, and specifically ping pong, I might have forgotten about Shea Weber entirely this season.  Until playoffs of course, when I will miss his scraggly man-beard and erudite caveman spectacles.  He leads Nashville with 46P, and has a team-second 18G.  18 goals from a defenseman (3rd in the NHL) almost leads your team.  Oy vey.  At least the Predators have the sense to host a wine festival on April 24 – no players advertised to attend though, their season will be long over by then.

Mesmerized and Terrified: The Dan Hamhuis Story

Bobby Ryan

Just announced: Bobby will miss the rest of the season for sports hernia surgery [link].  He’s been playing injured since November until a last straw in Saturday’s game vs. Dallas.  Still, he leads the Senators with a career-low 23 goals.  Read that again.  Consider the Ducks’ 99 points and 46-18-7 record.  You could have let the guy play in the damned Olympics, at least!  Instead Bobby spent the Olympic break getting engaged (sigh) in Paris (double sigh) and then (we assume) reuniting with his cats in a moment worthy of Homeward Bound.

John Tavares

Welp.  Even without his season-ending injury in Sochi it would soon be time to say summer to our favorite hot middle school science teacher and part-time model.  We leave you with this for remembrance purposes:

(Seriously HOW have I never seen that before?)

 Michael Del Zotto

I almost left him off – it’s been a rough year – until he joined Instagram while I was writing this. (Practically true – instagram.com/MDZofficial.)  Could this be the man carrying the boats-and-selfies banner?  I would not complain.  Just watch out for sharks.

Don’t know what this is from, don’t care.

While we’d like to see some of these guys play into May or beyond, this is not the time of year to be nice.  There’s no room for 3rd and 4th favorites, for interns or Cinderella stories when my heart is full of so much…  excitement?  Is that what this is?  Fear?  Hope?  Bile the color of Flyers’ jerseys?  Just wondering gives me chest pains.  Other teams will miss the playoffs (please don’t be the Caps, she whispers) and we’ll talk about them when they do.  For now, it’s still anybody else’s game.

Without posting the entire Tumblr tag (Honestly, where do people find this stuff?), it’s safe to say you wish you went on to Cabo on spring break.

With the Oilers.

Puppy Bowl!

Do we want to know what happened to #TeamHallsy’s head? Presumably it was hockey-related, but I’m pretty sure he almost knocked himself out once by crashing into Ebs’ backside climbing a flight of stairs.

Nominating Amanda for lifeguard duty.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Cabo:

How big is Cabo? This was probably across the street.

And this? Docked right outside the lion cub petting zoo, I bet.

Cabo was like hockey Comic-Con last week (complete with stereotypical villain played by Raffi Torres).

Like any good vacation, the Olympic break left us tired and spent. We’re glad to have the NHL back but we’ll miss spring break, just a little.

“When Evgeni Malkin cut me with a skate I felt lucky to have ribs. I got 50 stitches, no staples. I’ve had to work hard on balancing my lats ever since. But I have to say, it’s a great icebreaker, especially at the beach. Like they say chicks dig scars.” – New York Rangers’ Michael Del Zotto [video – no visible blood]

What say you – do chicks dig scars?

It goes with this face.