The Penguins have already found the perfect off-ice role for Pascal Dupuis: Team Dad. It would explain a lot about how attractive this team is. I mean, Potash’s Reba McEntire wig didn’t make this:

Is anything more 90’s than spray deodorant?

That’s a lot of fun for a team that can’t win a freaking game.

Actual photo of the NHL team standings

The Sharks, reigning kings of the Holiday Video, know how good they are. This year they’ve made it an event. Five behind-the-scenes videos a la VH1’s Behind the Music – three here, and two more yet to come (today and 12/24).

They are really committed to this – already nearly 8 minutes of content and not a smile cracked on camera. Well, except for mine when I saw Chuck’s #1 Dream Combination come true for a single, still second:

Objection. More 90’s than spray deodorant: Joe Thornton and *N Sync.

There is also a contest to win an appearance in their 2016 video. I love that they’re thinking about next year when we haven’t even see this year’s yet.

That #2 team in the NHL, the Capitals, chose to spoof A Christmas Story, and it’s glorious. [Video] They basically put glasses on everyone who could be improved by them.

Fa-ra-ra-ra-raaaaaah…

And those who couldn’t, well…

Does the Easter Bunny visit Russia?

The Flames went right for the low-hanging fruit: the ugly NHL Christmas sweater. They helpfully feature all five (!) of the Flames ugly sweater designs. (We feel you, Rover.) Chuck’s poor, beloved Dougie Hamilton wins/loses this one – that a lot of yellow even if he weren’t a ginger. Luckily, a cameo by Brandon Bollig’s abs make Christmas the day of giving all over again.

The Senators also broke out the ugly sweaters… sort of. How many hairstyles got made for these little LEGO guys?

Overall, that gets a meh. But the coach should definitely say “Karl” more often. I wasn’t sure he was talking to the only other guy in the scene.

The Canucks went to musical route but, unlike the Habs, left the heavy lifting to other people. Smart move. I may despise The Sound of Music and only understand 20% of the references here, but it’s well done.

And anytime a music video allows hockey players to break the Nick Carter Rule (no freestyle dancing, you dork), we are in.

Speaking of singing and, er, dancing, I’m just going to let the Blues video speak sing for itself.

Stick to what you’re good at, Blues. So, basically this (photo from @BedGear):

Alison printed this out and showed it to Santa.

Many teams that didn’t produce videos found other ways to spread holiday cheer. The Islanders did some toy shopping for delivery to a local hospital. The Blackhawks did a hospital visit, and the Wild too. I stopped counting after that. The Devils don’t have a video, but Adam Henrique still went out in search of another human that shares his affinity for elf culture.

Celebratory cheekbones

Did we miss any? We’d hate for Santa to leave anyone off his list! You know there’s something extra under the tree for anyone who embarrasses themselves for the sake of our entertainment.

Update: From the AHL’s Providence Bruins, here’s Max Talbot and Co. after raiding Henrique’s closet.

Bonus points for the matching tie.

Update #2, from Natalie: Not-team related, but we’ll post because Roman Josi can have our column whenever he wants it. Also, I require an explanation of these pants.

From @rjosi90

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, friends. May your days be merry and bright – and your nights full of your team earning points.

The Ice Bucket Challenge began in July in support of ALS research.  Read more about it here and hire Frates & Quinn for more marketing campaigns.  The movement has raised over $4 million, up nearly +$3 million over this period last year.  Everyone is doing it:  Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer, even Chuck did it!  Now we joke around, but this is a great cause, funding important research.  If you’re able to donate, please visit www.alsa.org.

And if you’re going to start a trend, please let it involve most of the NHL in what amounts to a wet t-shirt contest.  (So you know – this took forever to compile.  I watched hours of videos.  It was grueling but I’m willing to work hard for you guys.)

Me: “No.  No way.  No way!”

Crosby Ice Bucket Challenge video. I first saw an Ice Bucket Challenge video on 8/7, when 87 accepted the dare on his birthday.  I wondered for a moment it was real, or if I’d woken up in a fanfic – A Connecticut Yankee in Sidney Crosby’s Driveway, maybe.

Now who needs a cold shower?

Since then, everywhere you look an NHL player is taking the plunge.  So here you have them, the very Best of the Ice Bucket Challenge videos.

The “This Looks Familiar”

Matt Duchene Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Does Sid’s video have two blue buckets, a shovel and a black SUV in the background?  Eagle-eyed Alison noticed this is the same spot.  Just two dudes, pouring water on themselves and videotaping it for the internet.

Matt could have at least brushed his hair for Sid’s party.

Matt woke up 4 minutes ago.

Bonus points to Matt for nominating country singer Thomas Rhett, one of my favorites (who was also nominated by Justin Moore – the singer, not my husband).

The Intern Project

We said Tavares should wear a tighter shirt – so we know Intern Jeff Skinner still reads this blog.  This t-shirt is left over from Jeff’s high school days, since we haven’t paid him for a day of work since then.  And white?!  What a flirt.  Remember when he didn’t want girls paying attention?

Team Tank Top

Lindsay informs me that ‘dude tank tops’ are very much the style in Canada.  I assume everyone there looks like an NHL player and so this has my full support.

Steven Stamkos Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Careful using your dog to up the ante here, Stammer.  You’re no slouch but he’s pretty freaking cute.

Let me tuck my chain into my tank top first.

Taylor Hall Ice Bucket Challenge video.  #TeamHallsy starts his video off so seriously, you’d think he spent the summer doing Shakespeare in the Park.  It’s deceptively tall-seeming thespian work.

The world is mine oyster,
Which I, with stick, shall open.

Jordan Eberle Ice Bucket Challenge video. Uncceptable resolution for #TeamEbs.  He’s got to keep up with Taylor!  Zach Boychuck, get a new phone right this instant.  Adorable hair-fixing though, since Jordan knows we are watching.

Especially after this is Zack Boychuck’s video.  How is that fair?  His biceps are theatrically lit by the sun itself, giver of all life!

Also sporting the Official Boy Band Uniform is, of course, #TeamSchultzy.  Did they have a conference call about what to wear?  Or does matchy-matchiness come as naturally to them?

The “Dallas Stars Really Want to Be Your Favorite Team” 

Tyler Seguin never met a shirt he couldn’t take off.  Or something he couldn’t hit on.  I swear he just invited a charitable cause and a bucket of water back to his place, and don’t stop rolling that tape.

Jamie Benn’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Jamie would like to take this opportunity to remind you his hair is DEVASTATING and that he’s skinny now.  (Too skinny?  A little?)  Never mind that tattoo of a graveyard on his bicep – they needed a place to bury me anyway.

Benn-d and Snap

In case you don’t love Jamie, he Tweeted the “Girl in a Country Song” video.  This is everything that’s right with the world.

Also from the Stars, Rich Peverly apparently runs a daycare in the summer – and stuns them momentarily quiet with this challenge.  They are pretty sure their moms have said not to throw stuff.

The Other Birthday Boy

It’s a shame I’ll never see #TeamSam again, because I cannot add any more teams to my list nor can I stay up late enough to watch the Coyotes.  Sam Gagner did the Ice Bucket Challenge on his birthday, complete with a cake, a beard AND a white shirt. Presents for everyone.

The NSFMyLife

John Tavares Ice Bucket Challenge video.  There’s b-roll of John then his shirt off and jumping in the pool right?  That’ll be the deleted scene on the DVD?

Is this going to be on the test?

What I really can’t handle is his deep, teacher-y voice.  If he started talking about the Large Hadron Collider, I’d faint.

That Time Gabe Wore a Shirt

Gabriel Landeskog’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Perhaps the quaint, old-world and presumably Swedish setting calls for a top, but frankly we’re a bit disappointed in Gabe’s efforts to carry the shirtless-boat-selfie banner this summer. He gets named captain and suddenly it’s all business and no instructional pancake videos.

The US judges give this a 6.

He’s 21,  You Guys – I Swear

And that was not me at the end with the extra bucket of water.  Promise.

Guys Chuck Likes

The Bruins should hire Chuck to shoot their videos, because their Ice Bucket Challenges are astonishingly low-res.  Remember why you don’t watch hockey in standard def anymore?  Even dearest Patrice couldn’t get good production values:

Lucic is in focus – if that’s a good thing.  He looks like the unpopular kid at Camp Anawanna.  Stand up straight, man!

Kim Bauer Did It

Oh yeah, and her husband too.  The Phaneufs Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Alison loves these guys.  I just feel bad that 24 made Elisha get scared by a mountain lion and abducted by a loner in a bunker in the woods around LA.  Jack Bauer would disown that mess.

I think we’d all be friend with Elisha in real life.

The “Of Course Patrick Kane Has a Water Slide”

He probably has a slide from every single window of the house into that pool.  (This was a life plan action item for me and Gator.  Awaiting our invitations, Kaner.)  Toews is so much fun these days, where’s his bucket?

Coach Q is My Favorite Coach

Many coaches, front office staff and even mascots have gotten in on the Challenge, but Coach Q’s laugh is the best.

My Goalie is a Banana

What can I say?  I trust this man with my GAA.  They even gave the baby a bucket, in case she wanted to party.  Marc Andre Fleury Ice Bucket Challenge video

Just wait till you start dating, Baby Flower.  Dad is ready.

Which is Better than Mr. Potato Head

Oh Jordan, we miss you around the Penguins.

The Hot Dads

“Hey, if I’m doing this, we’re all doing it.  Then we’re going for ice cream.”

Chris Kunitz Ice Bucket Challenge video.  From the man who dressed as a sock monkey, of course.  Mrs. Kunitz challenged Paul Martin – thanks, girl.  (Paul Martin Ice Bucket Challenge video)

Little Miss Kunitz says she’ll just donate cash.

Pascal Dupuis Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Dear Universe, Please make the Dupuis Family into a TV show.  They’ve already created the poster:

No idea Duper had a half-sleeve, or that I’d like it so much.

Craig Adams Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Craig used a garbage can for his ice bucket and the family wore matching gubernatorial campaign shirts.  Just saying, that’s a Harvard man.  (The shirts are in honor of Anne’s father, former MA Governor Paul Cellucci, who died of ALS in 2013.  Thanks to Chuck and Anne for update.)

Vote early, vote often.

The Overachievers

Keith Yandle (who actually has a face under that beard) went pretty big – three buckets vs. white t-shirt.  His best move was calling out BizNasty, of course.  Talk about bigger.

You know Biz loves it when we say “bigger.”  He challenged some big names too, though we bet no one does it in their skivvies.  Read about Biz getting his friends to donate their time and money to put this together here.  And notice that TMZ covered a hockey player.

The Suits

Max Talbot Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Max is responsible now.  He has a wife and a baby and if he wants to pour ice water over his head in a suit and tie he will, damn it!  He’s like Frank the Tank, you can’t reign him in.

Business in the front, party in the shoes.

Robert Bortuzzo Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Borts, what is that tie?!  Is the inflatable duck to distract from the tie?  It’s not working.  Also the shades on the duck + the white button down – this is going Risky Business later, isn’t it?  We’re going to need the extended edition Blu-ray combo pack.

This yard wants to party, Project X-style.

Almost everyone’s done the Ice Bucket Challenge.  I couldn’t include or even get close to watching them all.  Notable exceptions are Gingeroux, newly married Mike Green (yeah right, on that hair?) and James Neal.  I worry this means Nealmobile really had no friends, because no one has challenged him.  Though he is on this pretty definitive list of players who’ve supposedly participated (here).  Did I miss his video somewhere?

While we wait, check out the Tumblr dedicated to the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Every April, we wonder how we got here – if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

See also: Ryan Miller, Ringmaster

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

Will again become this:

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

Hold on, I can’t stop laughing.

Max is one commercial away from being the Old Spice guy at this point.  Sexy as all get out, no shame and knows that women love a guy with a sense of humor.  Clearly his friends are in love with him – listen to them in the background.

You are powerless to resist.

Also, archery is hot.  Katniss and Brave aside, Disney’s Robin Hood with the foxes is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I even took archery lessons, and Max is good.  Really good.  The jug of water is close range but to hit something small and moving?  Maybe they did twenty takes, or just got really, really lucky.

Be honest, you’re thinking about getting really lucky too.

Shot through the heart.

Max doesn’t crack a smile in this or the one-finger push-up workout video.  Deadpan reaction shots kill me!  I’m crying/laughing while my brain sings “Every Thing I (I Do It For You).”  Thanks to Talbo for 52 seconds of forgetting the lockout.  When is Giroux going to make a guest-appearance in one of these gems?  Maybe they make plates at Color Me Mine or try gator wrestling?

For further lockout distraction homework, I suggest the BBC Robin Hood series from a few years back.  You will not be disappointed (and you can borrow my DVDs).  Just like real life –  where I should hate the Flyers bad guys by definition – I am so Team Gisbourne/Allan that it confuses and frightens me.

And there is archery.  See?  Happens every day.

Thanks to everyone who sent this to us – Melissa (@M_Gagermeier), Macy (@WestSideZag), Deb (@DLF1021) and Amanda (@amandalitty).  What are you guys, on Max’s mailing list?

Leave it to Max to make the dirtiest-sounding workout video of all time – while wearing head-to-toe sweats.

#1: This workout.  Making other sweatpants jealous worldwide.

#2: This disguise.  I was thinking, “That’s not Max.” Why the hood?  When I can see a picture of your esophagus on Google because that’s how you kiss drunk chicks in bars?  When the camera cuts behind the pillar, I figured Max and the stunt double switched places for the big reveal.

#3: This trainer.  “Push it!”  “Keep it tight!” “Niiiiiiiiiiiice” with the throaty growl.  If you let the kissing (see #2) happen, this is what you end up hearing from Max all night.

#4: This cameraman!  “Remember the thing from last week? You don’t want to talk about it.  Just one more time.  Please, please.”  If #2 leads to #3, then #3 leads to this and suddenly your amateur late-night debut is being live streamed to the Philadelphia Flyers player phone tree.

I swear.  Close your eyes and listen.  Maybe not at work though, because your boss will never believe this is the sound of fully-clothed activity.

As ever, Max leaves us all blushing.

Sid: This is Captain Tiny Pockets, reporting live from… wait, what is that?  Neal, Tanger, are you seeing what I see?

James: Uhhhhhhhuh.

Kris: Busy checking out #18 there, in his plaid jacket.

Sid: Oh my, ladies and gentleman, we’re not really sure what we’re seeing here, but it appears to be approaching.

James: Look away, it won’t notice us.

Kris: I’m staying over here, brown elf shoes are not good for running away.

Sid: It’s come much closer now and we’re able to make out that it’s, well… is that what we think it is?

James: If I can’t see it, it can’t see me.

Sid: Yes, yes it is.  We have confirmed it is Max Talbot, arriving for the B Movie Horror Convention at the Baltimore Airport Holiday Inn.

Max: Hands in pockets, this is how you do it.

Sid: No, we’re receiving reports he is actually here for the wedding.  He’s getting closer.  Neal, what plan of action do you suggest?

James (backing away): Allow it.  I look much more handsome and gigantic now.

Sid: Since he’s wedding crashing, let’s get an exclusive interview with Max.  Talbot, WTF are you wearing?

Max: This is my wedding suit.  If I take off the bow tie, drunk bridesmaids think I’m the priest and start confessing all kinds of stuff.

Sid: They won’t let you in the church dressed like the Devil.  Have you gone down to Georgia?  Brought a fiddle made of gold?

Max: You’re wrong, Romeo.  Girls love dastardly-chic.  They’re all going to get on this drunk bus, and you’ll have to walk.

Sid: You are not invited to my wedding, Max.

James: Empty threat.

Sid: Shut up. Here are Flower and his bride!

All of us: Sigh.

Jordan: Flower! Hey Flower! Turn off your cell phone!

Vero (looks at Brent Johnson): I don’t think that’s necessary.

Heather Staal: Jordan, you said I would be the only one wearing Canes red. Damn it, Max!

Sid: Ladies, please. We have a live satellite transmission from the Russian forest.

Geno: Здравствуйте!  Sorry I could not be there, my date was not allowed on plane in traditional Russian wedding garb.

Sid: Is that a Vespa on your shirt? Oh, nevermind.  Here come the bride and groom again.

All of us: Gorgeous.  Both of you.  Adorable French babies who can spin like ballerinas, now please.

Sid: That’s it for our live broadcast, thanks for joining us.  See you next time with… James?  James?  NEAL!  (Drunk bus beeps as it passes, Max at the wheel and James waving from the window.)  Oh that’s it.  I’m trading Paul Martin, I don’t care how many omelets $5 million makes!

(All photos credit to 25stanley.com)

Jagr played 11 seasons with the Penguins before being traded to the Capitals, then the Rangers.  After the ’08 season, he returned to the Czech Republic and played three years in their professional league.  Over the summer, he announced his intention to return to the NHL.  Cue the speculation.  Would he come back to finish his Hall of Fame career in the city where he won two Stanley Cups?  Did the bad taste left after his difficult post-Lemiuex captaincy still linger?  Or was it about the money?

Jagr signed a 1-year contract with the Flyers in July, worth $3.3 million.  He said other teams offered more money [link], but he thought Philly had what it takes to win.  He may be right.  So far he has 11 G/19 A playing on the top line.

Less than two hours after signing Jagr, while I was still laughing, the Flyers signed Max Talbot.  No more laughing.

*le sigh*

In 2009, Max scored both goals in Stanley Cup Final Game 7 to seal the Penguins first Cup win since Jagr left.  On paper, that was his claim to fame.  Pens fans know it was more than that – heart, soul and humor all lived in Max.   But how much ice time, and how many more seasons?  He wanted longevity and security; the Pens offered him a three year deal.  He went to Philly for five years and $9 million [link].  Max already has more goals (9) this year than ever before, and his well on his way the scoring more points (15 now) than his career high (26).  We’re glad to see him doing well even if we have to swallow back the bile to say that.

So, tonight.  I’m sure Jagr will get the mega-boo.  Max will get the initial cheer, because you always love your ex-boyfriends just a little even if they break your heart.  After that, it’s the boo for Talbo too, I’m afraid.  I doubt he’ll be telling anybody to “shhhh.”

Game day interviews with Jagr and Talbot here, thanks to PensTV.

The Penguins and Flyers are currently tied with 46 points, behind the Rangers 48 points in the Atlantic Division.   Pittsburgh has so many injuries their locker room has moved to a triage tent in the parking lot.  Philly is without Pronger, likely for the season, but Giroux’s concussion comeback seems to be legit – he leads the NHL with 44 points. (WAIT, CLAUDE GIROUX IS 23 YEARS OLD?  What the eff?!?)

I’m skipping Sherlock Holmes for the fourth night in a row to be home for this one, I’m expecting a big game out of my boys.  We’re having a few banner seasons of our own: Malkin has 42 points, Neal has 21 goals.  It’s not the Two-Headed Monster but it’s still really freaking good.

The Flyers have hit a rough stretch, losing 4 of 5 and philosopher-goalie extraordinaire Ilya Bryzgalov has lost his last 4 starts with a GAA over 4.5 (seriously though, love this guy).  Backup tender Bobrovsky has had the Pens number in past seasons.  No word on who will start in Philly’s net tonight.

While these signs were meant for Caps fans back on 12/13, I think we can agree they apply here as well:

From the hilarity of www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com

GO PENS!

Thanks, Paul C.

Safe to say that hashtag also applies to:

Biebs skated with the Leafs  [link] in a track suit because they didn’t have any Youth Medium hockey gear laying around.  Look at his pants – I bet they’re rolled at the waist too.  Phaneuf is all, “You said Disney princesses!  I brought my Ariel lunchbox to get signed!”  I don’t think JB’s huge diamond stud earrings would fit under a helmet.

In a totally unrelated story, look which ad is featured on NHL.com today:

This triggered a chorus of “MissyouWhyPhiladelphiaagainSid’sdryerislonely” from my office.  And I haven’t even been watching 24/7!  But I’ll catch up now so as to not miss the triumphant return of Claude Giroux.  He wasn’t concussed, he was just saving up points.

Hahahahaha, NHL.com, you so funny.

Gingeroux had 1 G/3A in the Flyers win over Dallas last night [link].  He missed 4 games and still holds the NHL lead in points scored with 43.  Alright fine, you kinda like him don’t you?  Gross.

As predicted,  Pens’ Deryk Engelland will have a hearing with Shanahan today over his hit on Marcus Kruger [link].  Kruger did not play last night as the Hawks piled up on the Habs.  Corey Crawford, who has been benched in favor of Ray Emery for the last 6 games, was pretty impressive in net for Chicago.  Also applause-worthy is Jonathan Toews tying Stamkos for the NHL goal-scoring lead (it was an empty net but we’ll take it!)

Love everything about this.

Colorado won their 7the straight home game [link], which would be really exciting if they hadn’t also lost their last 9 road games.  But now they’re at .500 and they have 3 home games left before the end of the year.  They could be pulling up into the top 8 in the West pretty quickly.

And if you’re still watching, the Hurricanes blew a 3-1 lead to Phoenix last night in a really hard loss.  They are 2-6-2 under their new coach and are last in the East with just 26 points.  Apparently the fact that I really like the Canes and that their mascot Stormy is “an anthropomorphic ice hog” (Wikipedia gem) doesn’t count for much these days.  I’ll keep writing letters to Santa and maybe he can give EStaal and the boys a break.

But starting in 7 days, we’re going to have to kick your ass.

On the bright side, it seems Max is being embraced by the Flyers players and fans.  This guy could make friends with Voldemort.  And he’ll be scene-stealing again on 24/7, fershure.

So one last time: Godspeed, Max.  Thanks for making it so much fun.

This is hard, and it hurts.  It also looks like the place Harry Potter wakes up half-dead next to fetal horcrux Voldemort.  You can stay there Max, but you can choose to leave.  This doesn’t have to be the end.

Max did an interview with the Pittsburgh Tribune Review [link] and said:

I don’t want to be thought of as a traitor. I know it’s emotional for fans for me to be leaving for the Flyers, but I hope I’ll still have some support. It’s going be tough for fans to accept.

And while we’re at it, we have a hug for Geno too.

On Evgeni Malkin’s reaction:

“I just texted him (Saturday) about this, but when he heard last week that I wasn’t going to be a Penguin anymore he sent me a text that was so Geno. It just said, ‘Why?

We’ll miss you, Max.  Don’t you dare have as much fun in Philly as you did with the Pens.

JUST KILL ME.

Max got a raise ($1.05 mill with Pens).  And I know that when the shock wears off I will still love him but… do you have to aim right for my heart?  Do you have to stand so close and shoot me point blank?

I want to find out that the Hawks and Sharks were never at his table.  That there was never a chance he was going to make the Ultimate Wingman Dream Team with Patrick Kane and everyone in the midwest would have to lockup their daughters.

Quebec, the ‘Burgh and the WUYS offices are very sad today.  We understand, Max, that you have to do what you have to do.   Or we will someday.  But this… well, don’t call us for a while.

Have fun with Jagr.

1) Ray Shero, you are a beast.  The Pens have signed Pascal Dupuis for 2 more years at $3 million.  Now he and Sid can stay up talking all night about Sid’s one fight again.

2) Six more years of Brooks Laich!  GMGM and the Caps obviously read our blog and ponied up $27 million to quiet us down.  Cue my awesome in-office version of “Baby, I Laich It.” (have I mentioned I love Pitbull?)

3) MAX TALBOT’s bestie pal Bruno Gervais got a 1-yr deal to backup dance for Stamkos in Tampa Bay.  That team is getting better looking daily.

Everyone is really excited.

Chuck will be there.

Just wait till the reception.

It’s going to be epic.

I feel your pain.

I really do. I was there last year. My caps went out in the first round. This was me last year. But I lived through it. And you will too.

I'm serious. Wipe the F*** chocolate off your face and get up! YES - YOU!

You are better than this and your men need you. Maybe not your team but there are others out there in the trenches fighting, that need adopting temporarily at least until the end of the season. And this is YOUR SPORT. This is Hockey and a drought is coming – need I remind you? SUMMER … NO HOCKEY? At all? So pull yourself together, go back through the blog and pick a team, a man, SOMEONE, adopt-a-man, adopt-a-cause – put a stamp on it and make it YOURS and work it sister. Because come June, we are all going to look like the above so no getting a jump on things now!

Five reasons you should ADOPT-A MAN-CAUSE-ANYTHING-RIGHT-NOW-FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-HOCKEY:

1. What else do you have going on? I mean really? Seriously. Tell us. Because we would know. NOTHING. Huh. So? what are you waiting for? If you need suggestions. We have some.

2. There are some very ELIGIBLE men available for ADOPTION. Shea Weber. Mike Fisher. The Sedin Twins. No, I am not joking here. They have an awesome sense of humor and mad skills. Joe Thornton. Patrick Marleau. Oh god did I just write that? Tim Thomas. Henrik Zetterberg. Mike Modano. Brian Boucher. Milan Lucic. Andrej Meszaros. Martin St. Louis. Steven Stamkos. Mike Green. See, I’m not even asking you to support you-know- who because I know you will from the closet and that’s OK!

how could you not support this?

3. THERE IS NO CRYING IN HOCKEY. EVER. Except if you’re Sean Avery and really, do you want to join that club? Screaming, breaking things, punching objects and being sad pandas, OK. We except that.

we'll even give you a cyber-hug.

4. If you ‘accidentally run into’ and by ‘accidentally’ I mean ‘accidentally on purpose stalking them’ –  say, Kris Letang or MAX TALBOT or Jonathan Toews, do you really want a badunkadunk butt or muffin top (even though that’s the best part of the muffin!) from all the chocolate, bon bons and cupcakes you ate? Wouldn’t you want to be in your fabulous best shape EVER?!

well hello there, come here often? wanna see MY stanley cups?

5. IT’S HOCKEY. YOU LOVE IT. WE LOVE IT. IT’S NOT OVER – YET. YOU ARE NOT A QUITTER. WE BELIEVE.

So let's kiss, make up and move on!

And lastly, whether we all like it or not, as Sean Connery said in HIGHLANDER, “There can be only one.”

my what fancy wear and BTW - pants LOVES your hat!

Delicious homemade Rice Krispy treat heals all.

Fortified on sugar and sympathy, I feel strong enough to write something.

It’s been quite a year for me and the Penguins.  I traveled to Anaheim, Atlanta and New York for Pens games.  I made my poor dad drive 12 hours round-trip to Buffalo on Thanksgiving eve for a Pens game.  We invaded the ‘Burgh for a VIP all-Pens weekend.

On top of that, there was HBO’s 24/7.  You all know what that did, because almost all of you felt it.  Caps fans, Pens fans… I don’t care who you like (or if you like both, we’re all traitors turned here).  That series gave this game something it never had before.

Then Crosby went out.  And Malkin.  And you would have thought the sky was falling in on the damned NHL the way people carried on.  But the Penguins manned up and got it done.  What other team faced the loss of 50%+ of their fire power and still finished 4th in their division?  Racked up 106 points?  The Penguins had the 2nd most regulation wins in the NHL this season with 49 (5 behind Vancouver).

I could go on for ages, but I already have.  See posts on Max Talbot, Kris Letang, Tyler Kennedy and Jordan Staal. Sure Tanger went almost as long as Crosby without a goal, but what about Michalek and Asham putting up points?  Production came from every corner.

In the end… ugh.  The Pens let this one get away a little.  I hate to say that but when you’re up 3-1, you should win.  So this early summer leaves me feeling bitter and unsatisfied.  But in October, we’re getting the band back together and you’d better watch out.  We’re coming for you.

I’m proud of the Pens.  Hard work doesn’t always pay off and it’s not always enough just to want something so badly.  But never giving up is always worth it.

Can I get a witness?

For inspiration, I invite you to enjoy Max and Flower guest-starring on a French-Canadian TV show called “Les Boys.”  I can’t understand what they’re saying, but I’m pretty sure they’re on a date when this goes down.

There’s also this.  It sums up how I feel about what’s going down in the ‘Burgh tonight.

Agent Orange

Shea Weber is approaching Level ELMO.  He was somewhere between bath time and Rubber Duckie, now he’s leaning toward “Here fishy, fishy, fishy!”

Faster than you can say “a la peanut butter sandiwches!”, Shea will be getting trimming that beard clear of his eyes to see the ice.  By round 2 he’ll be combing and braiding it, perhaps in Preds colors.  Ryan Getzlaf is really pissed that Weber’s growing gratuitous hair while bald guy goes bald.

Tickle Me Weber

It’s necessary to point out that Shea cheated a bit on his beard and started growing before the regular season ended.  This is frowned upon by Max Talbot, who Tweeted when he shaved clean before game 1 so his beard is all playoffs and nothing but the playoffs, so help him Sasquatch.

While Shea is not approaching Fear the Beard status yet, he is so far the most likely candidate for the Brian Wilson Kicks Your Ass Award.  Final voting will take place after the Cup is awarded.  Start tracking your candidates now.  Most likely to NOT win for his beard, even if they win the Cup (and not care because they won the Cup): our beloved Swede, Nicky B.  Seriously, I get more coverage from eating chocolate ice cream.

awwwws

Enjoy the weekend and check back Monday to see which beards surivive!

I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar!

James Neal, you stud!  Way to make up for a lack of production in a big way.  The Nealmobile honked itself silly in the middle of the night, so everyone on my block knew you scored the game winner! [post-game video]

And your beard is kinda ginger FTW!!!

Max took a “legal hit to the head” that sent him curling to the ice, then he was back at the start of the next period.  Jordan sent himself headfirst into the boards, looked rattled… and didn’t miss a shift.  Tanger had his kitty claws out all night, but no one wanted a scratch (well not the Bolts).  Such tough guys.

Trannysaurus ROAR!

Pens Backstage Pass is the greatest thing ever – do this all season.  DISCO DAN, SO HAPPY!  I can’t even describe how much he is the greatest thing ever. Sid with the high-fiving,  Geno with the gym clothes and, I’m sorry Cookie.  Did this win interrupt the donut you were eating?  [video]

Om nom nom.

So basically Saturday is cancelled because I’ll be watching the Pens at 12 and the Caps at 3.  I would really like to go to the Caps game, but if they end up playing the Pens later on I’ll wish I’d saved my pennies.  So I’ll be on the couch (and Twitter) freaking right the heck out.  Bring it on!

The Pens won 3-2 last night on a sweet baby barbecue sauce goal from Tyler Kennedy. [video] If you’ve never watched a Pens game with me, TK gets some of the loudest cheering.  He is my Who from Whoville, wha-hoo-na.

I want my two dollars!

LePretty had 2 assists in the win, good news since he hasn’t had a goal since Jan 10.  Points please, and I don’t care who scores ’em. 

PensTV treated us to a little backstage look at Crosby and Malkin high-fiving the team off the ice.  Sid looks so short a) next to Geno and b) without skates.  My heart did a triple toe-loop to see them though and if you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.  Max has no idea where to go and Flower cannot turn left (but he can do Blue Steel). [video]

Does this suit make by butt look big?

In a side note on awesome, Squishy scored twice.  This is the same man who had two teeth broken in game one, got a double root canal that night and was back in action for game two.  At 5’8″ and 176 pounds, imagine how many people told Martin St. Louis growing up that he was too small to play.  Where are those people now?  His pair wasn’t enough for the win, but the Bolts were definitely in this game to the end.

Two teeth. And no penalty!

And I love this photo.  The pressure on Steven Stamkos right now hurts my heart.  I don’t want him to start really scoring – not now, not against us – but it’s his first trip to the playoffs and Stammer’s slumping big time.  Five goals in 30 games slumping.  Great article on it here.

Stop looking at me, swan.

So here’s hoping Steve-o gets, like, two in the next game… and the Pens get five.  One each for Letang, Staal, Talbot, Kennedy and one for Flower while we’re at it.