Off to the interwebs to find something to care about.

Jonathan Toews will miss the rest of the regular season with an upper body injury sustained after a crushing hit (cue debate – clean/dirty/undecided) from Brooks Orpik.  I like the idea of Toews and Kane sharing a couch, watching hockey and shouting at the TV like I do with… you guys.  On Twitter.  That’s six games out for JT19 and he’ll apparently be 100% (Lindsay’s favorite expression) for the playoffs.

You can read about how Mike Green proposed to his fiancee, if you’re into that kind of thing (I am).  It obviously involves a pair of shoes.

Why don’t I have one of these?

John Tavares is part of the new CCM ad campaign, which presumably is to sell helmets and overly serious facial expressions.

Martin St. Louis scored his first goal as a New York Ranger… which pretty much sank Torts’ and his Canucks’ hopes of the post-season.  Forgive me if I don’t applaud.

In a related story, Ryan Callahan has 5G, 5A for the Lightning, who have clinched a playoff spot.  (Alexis and Lindsay clap.)

In total the East looks like this, and whoever wants to hold my hair while I throw up will be rewarded in her next life.

The Caps are circling the proverbial drain.  TWO POINTS COME ON YOU JERKS!  I apologize to the husbands and friends I’ve dragged to recent games with the promise of nachos.  It is impossible to eat such feelings of despair.

My only light of hope is the Rangers & Flyers could play each other in the first round and so many negative forces might combine to create a black hole that sucks both teams into another dimension where they never play the Penguins in Round 2.

If the Bruins win the President’s Trophy… I’ll say nothing publicly or to Chuck.  We’re already to the point of the season where we barely speak.

Here’s the West, which shows you why the Jets are writing cookbooks.  I hope Dallas staves off Phoenix because I know you guys love Tyler Tuesday and because I want to be nice to Chuck about something.  It has nothing to do with shirtless Jamie Benn playing ping pong.  Nope, not at all.

I somehow missed it three weeks ago when #TeamEbs & Co where stuck in an elevator.  My first thought is that I’ve seen Speed a hundred times, I’m totally qualified to perform a rescue in this situation.  My second thought is based on the month season the Oilers have had, maybe they should’ve stayed in there.

Also this gem  – think about it for a second.

Gabe Landeskog engaged in a Twitter conversation about which Disney hero he better resembles: Kristoff or John Smith (or Cinderella).

Erik Karlsson has 70 points.  That’s twice he’s broken 70 – each of the last two full NHL seasons.  The only other defenseman to top 70 points in the last 6 years (also did it twice)?  Mike Green.

Mike Green also started with limited tattoos and look where we are  now.

Source video. 100% Swedish.

Meanwhile Matt Niskanen has 42 points and still insists on dry-parting his hair down the middle.  Also, a turtle.  I will never stop thinking this is hilarious.

Today is another day for your team’s fortune to rise or fall.  Based on all the falling my teams have done lately, I’ll just bottle my frustrations like a perfectly normal hockey fan does with two weeks left in the regular season.

You know how it is.

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.
2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.
3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Luckily I’m good at To Do Lists.  They calm my nerves.  Those and the ice cream sundae I just sent Intern Jeff Skinner to make.  So, in order of impending and importance:

1. The Penguins are in DC on Monday.

Good thing too, because they owe me one for that performance in Chicago.  @raedanda always puts up with me at these games.

2. The trade deadline is tomorrow at 3 PM Eastern.

The rumor mill is buzzing.  What’s the real price tag for NYR captain Ryan Callahan? Does Martin Brodeur intend to play forever [link]?  Ryan Kesler may be on the block, but for Alison’s sake, hope the Penguins bid does not include Brandon Sutter [link].  RK17 has allegedly waived his No Trade Clause for select teams, including PIT, NYR and PHI [link].

Dustin Penner just became a Capital, no idea who for, or if there is any end to the National Pancake Day jokes in sight.  I better publish this now before anything else changes.

Word from last week is Martin St. Louis requested a trade – only to the Rangers.

WHATNODON’TDOIT!  If this happens, I will henceforth call him only by his full name.  Goodbye forever, Squishy.

Who else?  The only instrument left in the Islanders orchestra is a sad trombone, with word out they’ll move impending UFAs Thomas Vanek and Andy MacDonald [link].  Other names being shopped include Stastny, Moulson, Hemsky, Chris Stewart… you could go out for lunch tomorrow and come back with a new look to your team.

3. There are less than six weeks left in the regular season.

Someone should tell the Capitals this.  They blew the lead three different times on Sunday, eventually lost to the Flyers in OT and, as always, lost the one game a year I can get Mr. Pants to attend.  Thanks, jerks.

It could be worse, I tell myself.  We could be the Hurricanes.  There’s never a good time to lose five in a row, but now is worse.

Remember it’s the wild card format this year, so good luck figuring out who your team will face in the first round.  From the Nov. ’13 NY Post article entitled NHL’s playoff structure is ridiculous by Larry Brooks:

To refresh your memory: 1. The top three teams from each division qualify; 2. The two teams with the next best records within the conference qualify as wild cards; 3. The division winner with the most points plays the wild card with the fewest points in the first round while the other division winner plays the other wild card; 4. The second- and third-place teams within each division meet in the first round; 5. Divisional brackets apply to the second round.

So, in likely the earliest “If the playoffs began …” scenario on record, the East’s first round would be: Pittsburgh (30 points) vs. Montreal (26); Boston (30) vs. Detroit (27); Tampa Bay (29) vs. Toronto (27); Washington (25) vs. Devils (23).

Hence, either the seventh-place Capitals or eighth-place Devils would advance while either the third-place Lightning or fourth-place Maple Leafs would be one-and-done.

A team, therefore, is theoretically better served by being the second- (or third-) place team in a weak division than by finishing with the conference’s best record.

Okay, it’s not that hard to figure out.  The playoff format is just very fluid right up until the end.  Your team could be third in its division, worse than both Wild Card teams and still qualify ahead of them.  It makes sense that two Metropolitan teams would be seeded ahead of Wild Card Toronto despite fewer points, right?

It could be worse, of course.  We could be in the Western Conference.  Right now 68 or 69 points might get you in, but you’d be duking it out for that one last Wild Card spot, rather than for or five spots potentially reachable seeds in the East.

Remember the West has two fewer teams than the East, sparking much debate about it being “easier” to reach the post-season.  I doubt it’s been easier to play a majority of games against these Western teams though.  Still, the realigned Wings and Jackets are in the East’s mix, while Winnipeg hopes to squeak into that last spot out West.  Riding five-game win streaks, the Kings and Wild aim to put every other qualifying spot out of reach.

So, is your team making it or not?  Are they making a big move instead?  We’re getting down to the wire.  It’s time to start pretending stress or hockey – or stress and hockey – can’t hurt you.

For two solid weeks in February, you’re invited to our party.

Okay, it’s probably going to look more like this:

But the guest list is epic.  It’s  comprised of every Olympic snub – and there are some bold-faced names here.  To make sure our party lives up to the Russian’s, we’ve put our guests in charge of bringing a few key ingredients.  Consider it a gift registry without the wedding, and you don’t have to travel 16,000 miles to get to this reception.

Beer: Staal Brothers

It was a long shot for Jordan to make it, but we expected Eric to be defending Canada’s honor.  Since he can’t do it in Russia, he’ll make sure we do it here. They’ll book the jet they chartered home to Thunder Bay for Christmas, load it up and land it close.  Hope you guys like Labatts, Molson and sod because that’s all they’re bringing.

Liquor (except vodka): James Neal

Beer isn’t going to cut it for Nealmobile.  Neither, apparently, are more assists than Rick Nash has points, plus 16 goals, in fewer games.  Or better numbers since 2008.  No doubt James’ recent on-ice immaturity played a part, but growing up will have to come later.  For this we need to break out the (you thought I was going to say ‘big guns,’ right?) good stuff, skip the shot glasses and just go for it.  (He can bring his regular glasses, though.)

Vodka (and lots of it): Alex Semin

I don’t like Sasha – didn’t like him on the Caps, don’t care about him now – but getting left off the roster in your home country is awful.  Especially when he’s got a long history of representing Russia in international events.  Maybe it was due to his concussion earlier this season, but even I’ll drink to the fact it was a shame he got snubbed.  The Ovi & Sasha Reunion Show would’ve been a hit.

Games: Claude Giroux

Gingeroux thought he had this.  Normally the suffering of any Flyer makes me giddy as a Disney villain, but leaving him off Team Canada was just fickle and redheads are always welcome at our shindigs.  Based on his ability to play beer pong and cornhole with two casted, post-surgery wrists, we’re going to bet Colde can find a way to shoot around the pieces of his broken heart.  Heck, we’ll even crank the heat and make it #shirstoptional.

$5 Cover Charge: Intern Jeff Skinner

NHL’s First Star of the Week?  Good for 66.15 points to my fantasy team in just seven days, more than double what anyone else produced?  Hat tricks all over the place are awesome, but he’s still not getting in for free.

Fake IDs: #TeamEbs and #TeamHallsy

We know they’re both of age, but @amandalitty is bouncing and she just wants to know where #TeamHallsy lives, okay?  Plus we are not falling for that matching outfit, ‘No really, I’m Jordan Eberle’ trick that Nugent-Hopkins pulled the last time.

His phone: Jack Johnson

We’re prank calling Crosby all night – which will be 9 hours later there and he’ll probably answer until he blocks us and we leave amazing messages complete with singing.  These are the best kinds of messages.

Darkness: Brent Seabrook

Resident widow’s peak and most likely vampire, Seabs ain’t coming out till the sun goes down.  He slept all day, so he’s in charge of last call.

Selena Gomez CD: Logan Couture

This was his chance, you know?  Everyone watches the Olympics and there was bound to be a hockey clip during ice dancing, which people love once every 4 years.  If Logan could’ve been that highlight then Selena would have seen him and POW.  We’d be hired to promote their starring roles in The Cutting Edge 4: Ice Castles in the Ice coming out next Christmas.

His laptop: Bobby Ryan

Team USA’s biggest snub is in charge of Tweeting, Instagramming and live-blogging this party as it goes down.  Cats are allowed but absolutely nothing silver: no Coors Silver Bullet, no Patron Silver tequila, no games of quarters.

Not this shirt: Joe Thornton

The last time we partied like we were in college… well, we were in college.  We might have overlooked this shirt back then but the era of poor decision-making and Ed Hardy clothing has passed.   For heaven’s sake, there is a design on your jeans!  Give us your wallet, go tell Logan that Selena & Beiber are not back together and we’ll take care of this on Nordstrom.com.

Not any shirt: Victor Hedman

Does this party have a pool?  Victor Hedman is probably tan in February and we need a lifeguard – all these numbers that say Hedman should have been chosen make our heads swim.

Recycling Bags: Marty St. Louis

What the crap, right?  Marty may scowl disapprovingly at the pile of beer cans JStaal has crushed on his forehead, but that’s because he knows when the morning comes (or say, a 38th birthday), he’ll still be here showing these kids how it’s done.  Marty is the Last Dad Standing, so he’s on clean up.

UPDATE – Marshall: Tyler Seguin

How could I forget this?  All puppies are invited but especially if they bring Tyler Seguin.  And Tyler Seguin brings his dance moves.  (Thanks Jess!)

Jerseys, mittens, hats and flags: You 

Of course this hockey party will have hockey, and plenty of it, at all hours of the night and day.  If you saved vacation time, use it now.  While not all of our favorite players made it to Sochi, everyone from home to Russia will be supporting their country loudly and proudly.  And in some cases, other countries near their countries (maybe that’s just me).

If I didn’t pick your snubbed favorite, feel free to invite him.  We welcome anyone who brings snacks or is qualified to drive a Zamboni.

Tonight, the man we call Squishy will play in his 1,000th NHL game.

Yes, we said Squishy.

If you played in an NHL game every single day, it would take 2 years, 9 months and 27 days to reach 1,000.   That’s from tonight straight through until September 14, 2016.  If you played in each of 84 regular season games, it would take nearly 12 NHL seasons to hit the mark.

In Martin St. Louis’ case, it took 15 full and partial-NHL seasons.  Not even 300 players have hit the 1,000 game mark [link] and let’s be honest, many who do have left their best production days behind.

Not Marty.  Last season, St. Louis won the Art Ross Trophy.

Look who he beat.  Look at his projected point total in a non-lockout season.  LOOK AT HIS FACE!  No wait, look at his legs.

You certainly wouldn’t be the only one, according to Google.

I mean…

I digress.  At 38 years old, Marty currently has 20 points in 20 games.  The Lightning lead the Eastern Conference.  It remains to be seen what happens to the Bolts sans Stamkos, but never doubt that Martin St. Louis is the backbone of that team.

To celebrate this milestone, we’ll give you just 10 of the 1000 reasons that we have loved Marty for so long.

10) He’s older than we are – and when you get to our age you need role models. Basically we’re down to Sophia Loren, Meryl Streep and Marty St. Louis.

9) He gets better looking every year.  Please let this happen to us.

8) He’s shorter than we are.  (Well, he’s shorter than Chuck.  He’s exactly the size and weight as me + a suitcase.)  It never, ever stood in his way.

7) He once had a double root canal after a playoff game and was in the lineup two nights later, no problem. [link]

6) He was probably the only person who didn’t facepalm when The Real Housewives of What is Your Demographic NHL, I Do Not Understand This Tie-In mispronounced his name at the NHL Awards.  Then he read his acceptance speech off his Blackberry.

5) His dad-ness.  Watch this video.

4) The advice we assume he gives Stamkos on all aspects of life.

I’m not looking at you till you cut your hair.

3) The way he starts a party…

… and the way it ends.

2) This had to make the list somewhere:

1)  Of course the best thing about Marty is the way he plays the game.

Check out Squishy’s career stats and their game tonight vs. LA if you can stay up that late.  Maybe the Real Housewives will be there to celebrate another of Marty’s big achievements.

As the NHL season nears, players will fight for their teams and for spots on the 2014 Olympic roster.  And, of course, for a rose on our show.

First rule of The Bachelorette: If we didn’t introduce you in our Casting Call first round, we didn’t see you enough.  Nothing kills a contestant like too little screen time.  That guy in the back on the group date, who hits the bar instead of hitting on the Bachelorette?  You’re not making it buddy.  Get wise now and get your face in front of the camera.

Now, introducing more true love hopefuls for this season of The Bachelorette:

The Quarterback

This guy is THE GUY.  His qualifications obvious.  People whisper as he arrives.  Maybe it’s gone to his head a bit – he was late for the show because he missed his flight, after all.  But he’s got the goods.  While he may not end up being captain of the contestants, it’s well understood the Quarterback has earned that spot.  Surprisingly fun after several bottles of champagne, Jonathan Toews might just win this trophy too.

The Brothers

We regret to announce that while they may make Team Canada, we have disqualified EStaal and Ginger Staal from our show.  Let’s face it – the Bachelorette, completely overwhelmed by all this testosterone, usually makes out with about ALL the guys on the show.  It’s just too weird.  Sorry boys, have the limo take you all the way to Thunder Bay.

Just don’t pack…

The One That Got Away

Oh man.  These choices are tough enough without seeing the guy who broke your heart.  Sure, he’s doing okay now.  And you’re fine.  But remember how much better you were together?  Do you think he remembers?  Is he the reason you ended up on this damned show?  Give your champagne to the Quarterback before you do the ugly cry and throw a shoe at Jordan Staal.

Ugh – don’t expect him to be nice about this either.  Kick me right in the Penguins logo, whydon’tya.

Did he bleach his hair or does the sun naturally have this effect on demigods?

The Hot Dad

There’s always one contestant with a kid.  It softens even the hardest Bachelorette heart, despite worries about losing her figure and ending up on US Weekly’s “Worst Beach Bodies” cover because she ate like Jessica Simpson in her condition.  She’ll rethink everything when this guy brings out his brood for a game of catch, puppy cuddles or whatever else it is that kids with adorable dads do for fun.  Don’t worry about The Hot Dad keeping up either.  Marty St. Louis might just out-score all these kids (again).

The Class Clown

This guy is a quick favorite of any Bachelorette.  The Class Clown rescues her.  Whether it’s a pushy advance from the Quarterback or a boring tangent on soil erosion from the Freshman, he knows how to change a subject with a joke and no one’s the wiser.  Except our Bachelorette.  Have we mentioned PK Subban can pull a sled weighting about 8,000 pounds and his shorts are specially made of Kevlar? You know what they say: happy wife, happy life.

Instagram

The Cowboy

Country is so hot right now.  Every reality show has a redneck to show up the regular boys – catching his own dinner, opening doors, lassoing things he could have easily walked over and picked up.  Bet on a wilderness date in which he exposes the big city metrosexualness of even the manliest man on this show.  Just don’t get offended when he calls you “ma’am.”    Instead consider that Carey Price can do a full split and correctly ride a horse, all while making sure his hat never falls off.

Congrats to Carey on what looks like a ridiculously fun wedding.

The Bromance

In a show about long-term relationship potential, we must nod to the greatest among us.  These guys have no time for the Bachelorette – either they weren’t at camp or made a vampire pact for immortality and no longer show up in photos.  Still they have that magic that unites them for better (LA) or worse (Philly), through good times (the Cup) and bad (the trades).  The Bachelorette should by Richie & Carts… and let them plan her actual bachelorette party.

You can see this Bachelorette has her work cut out for her.  We’ve barely cracked the 47 contestants for spots in Sochi – and big names like Patrick Sharp and #TeamEbs remain.  The good news is 25 will make the Canada Men’s Hockey roster, and a lot will depend on the first three months of the season.  So let’s see it boys.  Get on their radar (and ours), and see if we’ve got a rose with your name on it.

What’s worse, that shirt or that a guy is wearing it?

Nevermind, it’s a tie.

It turns out I really miss those.

The NHL handed out their awards over the weekend while I had no internet and no idea it was happening.  Oh well.  My campaign for a “make up for the lockout and no All-Star Game” program involving a swimsuit competition and push-up contest apparently fell on deaf ears.

We’ll always have this Blackhawks TV episode.

Deprived of suits, shiny toys and the potential of a Biz & Gingeroux Take Vegas Instagram-Fest, let’s discuss the winners.

Hart Trophy/League MVP – Alex Ovechkin

Is that a tray of watches and potato pancakes?

Mmmmmkay.  I would have gone with Crosby, but research indicates I may be biased.  Can you miss 1/4 of 1/2 of a season and still be MVP?  Fine, I guess not – but Sid only lost by 4 votes.  I did admit this was the first year I have appreciated Ovi.  If this award inspires him to play like his three Hart-worthy seasons (instead of last season!) in the future, it’s cool by me.

John Tavares, what do you think?

Selke/Best Defensive Forward – Jonathan Toews

Approved.  Chuck would say Bergy but with the season the Hawks had, seeing one of their lead offensive players (T-1st in team goals, 2nd in points) also be their best defensive forward is especially impressive.  Why work that hard when you’re winning all the time anyway?  Because it’s a huge part of how you win all the time.

Lady Byng/Sportsmanship – Marty St. Louis

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SQUISHY!!  He’s 38 today.  It’s easy to assume Squishy wins this award (almost) every year because he’s small.  Not true.  Brad Marchand is small.  You with me?  St. Louis also lead the NHL in points – at 37, he was the oldest player to ever do this.  Score that much and be nice about it? Our moms are so proud.

Vezina/Best Goaltender – Segei Bobrovsky

In a world where Bobrovsky was traded and now the Flyers will buyout Bryzgalov’s monster contract, are you laughing a little?  I’m laughing.  I also applaud Bob’s gutsy choice of suit and tie.  Gotta be sauve when you’re up against King Henrik.

Norris/Best Defenseman – PK Subban

I know voting only takes regular season into account, but if this went to Kris Letang after the Pens’ playoffs even I would have been ashamed.  Maybe next year, Tanger.  Maybe you need a ponytail holder.  I don’t like Subban but I’d like him if he were on my team.  All those chin-ups with the 100 lb. of extra weight have paid off.

Calder/Best Rookie – Jonathan Huberdeau

I saw maybe 3 Panthers games all year and Huberdeau scored in all of them so I’m on board with this.  Jon also has the appropriately wry jawline and poufy hair potential to replace Matt Smith as Doctor Who, if they could tape only in summer.

Lindsay/Most Outstanding Player (by NHLPA) – Sidney Crosby

Being voted Most Outstanding by fellow players in pretty great.  Sid would rather have the Cup, the Richard, the Hart… but this award is this season for Sid, especially with his injury.  I’m not going to gush.  Just sum up my feelings with the time Sid went to a Justin Beiber concert in the same week I went to a Justin Beiber concert.  I love everything.  Hold it together, girls.

Side note: The title of this post does not endorse the Nelly remix of Florida Georgia Line’s song.  Yes I admitted to Bieber but even I have standards.

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

And my Twitter feed:

Too much?  Not enough?  Keep scrolling for more cute.

Rangers, Flyers… it’s not the kids fault.

Parker Staal has his own Tumblr feed, thankyouverymuch.

Madison Quick could be our mascot. When she grows up, we have a feeling she’ll love being named after the mermaid from Splash!

This is Joe Thornton, in case you’re not Chuck.  She knows.

Baby skates.  Just stop it.

We have not seen a picture of Baby Letang yet, but rumor has it Marc-Andre Fleury and his wife are expecting.  Milan Lucic and his wife of the sparkly high heels are having a baby this winter too.  Happy holidays, everyone!!

Granted, he’s always exceptional in my opinion, but last night vs. the Panthers, #37 really was the #1 star of the game.

He scored both goals during regulation for the Bruins – this wrister on a sicky no-look pass from Pouliot and this tip-in on a beauty on a pass from Tyler “Teen Wolf” Seguin.

EH OH! That's a good looking goal, eh?

And as if that wasn’t enough, he scored the crucial goal in the shootout to keep the Bruins’ chances alive, allowing David Krecji to score the SO Winner.

Most of the time, Bergeron’s play isn’t fancy or stuff that is going to make it on NHL on the Fly, but what it is, is solid, consistent and smart.

And with a nickname like “The Professor”, would you really expect anything less?

Sometimes, when you win, it ain’t so pretty.  It’s okay.  It doesn’t have to be.  A win is a win, but this one was sorta ooglay.  Bruins, for some reason, have struggled against the teams in the Southeast division this season but managed to pull out a win and 2 points thanks to the skill of their assistant captain.  [ Check out Bergy’s Post-game presser here. ]

Tonight, Bruins take on the Lightning.  Normally this match-up would have us more excited, but TB is struuuugling.  Like Buttercup and Wesley in the Fire Swamp quicksand.

They are 17-23-4 and  on a 3 game losing streak.  We want them to be better because we adore Stamkos and Squishy and Matt Gilroy (Go BU!), but things just aren’t looking good for the Bolts – despite Stamkos being 2nd in the league in points (50) and leading the league in goals (30).

Tampa Bay, we have a problem.

But at least they are purty to look at.

WEAR A VISOR.

Martin St. Louis was hit in the face during Tampa Bay’s practice yesterday.  He suffered facial and nasal fractures that can’t even be properly determined until the swelling in his face goes down.  This is the man who, in last year’s playoffs, had a two teeth knocked out, a double root canal and was back on the ice the next day.  We know you’re tough, Squishy.  And right now you’re “out indefinitely” with an avoidable injury.

Last week Jordan Staal caught  a puck near the eye against Carolina.  The camera cut to Eric, looking worried and probably thinking, “Shit, Mom is going to kill us.”  Jordan, who has been seriously injured by a shot to the face before, was lucky to have no structural damage and didn’t miss any games.  But he has played the last two matches with a visor.

There are a million instances of visor-preventable injuries.  Hell, even Pronger’s wearing one now after his most recent stick-to-the-face.  I think visors should be mandatory.  Remember before helmets were compulsory, and how totally asinine that seems now?  As much fun as it was to watch Craig MacTavish’s curls blowing in the wind, by the time he was the only bare-headed player on the ice he looked foolish and antiquated.

I know some players hate visors.  I understand how it can disrupt peripheral vision and create distortion when you look out from underneath.  Puck Daddy’s anonymous NHL-er “The Player” made his case this week, prior to St. Louis’ injury [link].  I wear glasses for distance and it was a long-term process to adjust, especially since I don’t wear them all the time.  But you do get used to it.  And if everyone wears a visor, any disadvantage is negated.

These days, with “player safety” as much the NHL’s industry buzz-word as “Kardashian” is to gossip mags, the simple argument of “I don’t like it” seems petulant.  People don’t like wearing seat belts or eating vegetables, but it’s stupid not too.  And when you get hurt, we can’t just say I told you so.  We count the cost in man-games lost, points unscored and positions left open.

Obviously a visor won’t prevent all injuries.  There’s also the issue of fighting, which the League hates to love, and the stigma of throwing punches with a shield on.  If everyone wears a visor, does everyone ditch their helmet and whip their hair before duking it out?  Who knows.  Don Cherry thinks only wusses and Europeans wear visors.  I disagree – I think smart guys who dream of long careers wear visors.  You’re going to get hurt playing hockey, that much is clear.  Limit injuries where possible and save your blood for another battle.

Easy, breezy, beautiful. Now cut your hair.

And there’s adorable video too [link].

Spin like a ballerina!

The Bolts are 11-13-2, while the cross-state Panthers are killing it and leading the division.  That’s right, I said the PANTHERS.  Remember when Rob Niedermayer played for them?

Stunnas.

Stammer has 16 G/13 A, which puts him near the top in goals and points.

Lean back.

But they’re struggling to put together wins.  The Lightning have dropped 9 of 15 games, including the last 4 in a row.

Squishy is a distinguished gentleman.

They play tonight against a team with a worse record – the Islanders.  It would be nice to get a running start into tough road games against the Rangers and Flyers later this week.

Everybody loves Steven.

Dawn & Chuck are out shopping and Intern Jeff Skinner is making sweet potatoes with marshmallows (you should see his apron), so I’m going to kick things off with my 5 (or so) favorite hockey players:

1. Sidney Crosby – Come on back, buddy.  Bring your mustache, we don’t care.  We’re thankful for Sid’s career 215 goals/572 points, half a Rocket Richard trophy and one giant, shiny Stanley Cup.  He also gets my undying devotion and willingness to endure being booed in every arena that’s not Pittsburgh.  A year without him on the ice is far too long.

Yes, I ate a cookie.

2. Mike Green – If you have to ask why, you must be new around here.  Please refer to posts about hedgehogs, scooters, scarves and tattoos.  My condition has not been helped by a move to the DC-area.  Fidget has a career 82 goals/250 points, 2 Norris Trophy nominations, 2 national Geico commercials and a day of the week dedicated just to him.  It’s the smile.

3. Jonathan Toews – Captain Derpface is the shit.  Get on board, people.  Tazer not only plays the best straight-man to Kaner’s antics, but he’s been the heart and soul of his team since he was 21.  His goal with about 1:24 left in the playoff game 7 vs. Vancoucer last season to take the Hawks to overtime and possibly advance toward a Cup repeat was one of my all-time favorite NHL goals.  He just willed it into the net.  I cried.  Yes, I’m crazy.  Thanks for 124 goals/284 points, a Stanley Cup and my vote for MVP last season.  We award you squats, feel free to do them any time.

4. Steven Stamkos – Hockey paradise, they call Tampa Bay.  We might agree.  Stammer has 130 goals/251 points in just 3.25 seasons – you’d smile all the time too.  For all the hype, Stamkos was a slower rookie starter than Toews, Kane or Crosby, which maybe makes me love him more.  He struggled.  The Lightning struggled.  And then last season they steamrolled the Pens & Caps, only to lose a heartbreaker game 7 to the Bruins.  Make that a face-breaker.  For this (and for Gator), Stamkos forever.

5. Wild Card – This place has belonged to a lot of deserving players.  Nicklas Backstrom for keeping his head down and working so hard while everyone around him preens for the camera.  James Neal for fighting through overly high expectations and finally busting out.  Jordan Staal for playing with that severed foot tendon, for being so desperate to play on 24/7.  Fleury for standing in that net every night even when he sucked.  St. Louis for seeming 10 feet tall.

Honorable Mention . Jeff Skinner – For all his hard work around here.

Okay, let’s hear it.  Who are you Top 5 and why?  Try not to write a novel.  Or cry.  I totally teared up over Toews & Stamkos – fangirl moment.

Confession: I had to Google this - I thought it was a bee. So confused! Of course it's a lightning bug. Ten points from Gryffindor!

Vinny Lecavalier hosted a Celebrity Poker Tournament to benefit a Children’s Hospital.  Because it’s not enough that he can make that jacket look good.  We’re willing to bet Stamkos isn’t much of a gambler – he can’t stop smiling long enough to place a bet.

This look is getting pretty '80s. Which of course Stammer wouldn't know.

The Lightning look healthy and ready to go.  They are going to score a lot of goals.  The question is: can they stop any shots?  Goal-tending will be key and if they can shut down opponents’ tallies this season, their firepower will be tough to beat.

The Bolts play the Blues tonight in the pre-season opener, and you can listen online [link].  (Still talking about monkeys over here.)  For Gator, here’s a video interview [link].

Are my open pants distracting you?

When I named my team for Mike Green, that automatically meant I wouldn’t get him.  Happened last year with Getzlaf.  Good thing I didn’t name my team HOT DADS or I wouldn’t have gotten EStaal, Squishy, Ryan(e) Clow(e) or Cam Ward.

Pants is a good coach, and she babysits.

I won my fantasy league last year, thanks to a team build around EStaal.  I also had Clowe, Cam and Giordano – we’re just getting the band back together.  We mayneed a second bus for all our trophies: the Hart, Rocket Richard, Lady Byng and Letang’s solid-gold hair dryer.

I’d also like to nominate my team for Best Looking.  Just throwing it out there.  It won’t win us games, but it sure looks good in the handshake line.  Bet you can’t wait till it’s Team Photo day in the program!

Yes, there's a trophy for this too.

So, who wants Brodeur?

Squishy: "So they pose like this...." Shane: "No, the mannequin's hand is higher."

There are quick shots of Kaner, Ovi, Shane Doan, Squishy, Corey Perry, Logan Couture (short hair!) and his girlfriend and even Intern Jeff Skinner, who took our advice and wore short sleeves to show off his manly arms.

As usual though, Steven hogs the spotlight.  The guy can’t help it!  his hair is too long, he needs Gator to iron his shirt and he doesn’t even do anything in this video, but if you can resist him you might be a robot.

The best thing about this, of course, is that it means October is right around the corner.

Fidget wins, of course, since they are not speaking French.  (We would die.)  Also highlighted in this video: bad camerawork, Stamkos as a babysitter and “Hey Heidi, move your head.  We can’t see Mike!”

Mike tunes out halfway through this interview – and honestly, so did we.  Picking are slim here kids.  There are eight Mondays left till the season starts.  On the ninth Monday, Gator and I will be celebrating my birthday with this pair, and Steeeeeeeeeeeeven, and chicken fingers & beer.  Let the countdown begin.

Mexican coca colas for everyone!

We follow pretty much every NHL team on the twitter in the hopes that someday they’ll follow us back and we’ll feel super popular and emotionally validated as serious hockey bloggers.

Phoenix Coyotes were the first to follow us, but have to admit that we’re way more excited about the Bolts following us.

That much closer to Stammer, Squishy, and Stevie Y.

Gator can barely contain her excitement.

The show was fairly agonizing, featuring some of the flattest jokes possible.  I generally think Jay Mohr’s pretty funny but the obnoxious thing is a bit much for a whole show.  Why doesn’t Cabbie on the Streets host this thing?

Like a boss.

Worse were the guest stars, most of whom stretch the definition of star to its limit.  A kid from The Wizards of Waverly Place? Awesome that he’s a Kings fan and probably fangirlling inside over Luc Robataille, but presenting?  Of course he was worlds better than the Real Housewives.  I thought I was having a stroke when they were introduced, because surely that cannot have happened.  Then Far East Movement performed.  PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC.  TEACH IT HOW TO PRONOUNCE YOUR WINNERS.  Or let Jon Hamm do them all.

Take us with you!

Okay, end rant.  The players, as usual, were adorkable enough to heal all wounds.  Jeff Skinner’s stuttering acceptance speech made me squee.  St. Louis for the Lady Byng was fantastic – someone get this guy an advert deal with Blackberry!  The constant cuts to Toews looks pissy, Bobby Ryan’s mom all teary, Kesler’s hair… man, I love hockey.

If we were in charge, the NHL Awards should we be better.  Like a bachelor auction or a live action SCORE! The Hockey Musical.  And we’d get picked up by this bus… and miss the whole show.

This isn't where I parked my car!

Now, let’s party.  We don’t know where this bus is going and I promise, we don’t care.  Back in October!

Meanwhile, what is this about?

Squish, are you doing some modern art negative-space beard installation?  Does a full mustache interfere with sniffing your gear for relative freshness this late in the season?

Chuck loves you and hates you and love-hates you and wishes you played for the Bruins.  All 5’8″ of you.

And Steven.  You have reached the tipping point in your first ever playoffs.  This beard – who even knew you could grow a beard?  Who expected it to be so burly?  You can’t fight the lumberjack in these Canadian boys.

Watch the postgame presser here [video] – he keeps touching his face like he can’t believe it either.

So Game Seven it is.  Gator and I tested the functionality of our life plan: leave work in DC at 3 PM, fly to Boston ($375 -ish but I have miles!), buy tickets ($200), crash on Chuck’s floor.  If she’d let Gator in the door with I LOVE YOU STEVEN written on her face in blue marker.  Sadly this plan will not work.  But at the rate we change our life plans around here, we may have another by Friday night.

I will protect this house.

so, you wanna go to turkey with me for summer ... no?

If only this article would have come out BEFORE the Capitals played Tampa Bay then maybe they would have stood a chance! But NO! On the other hand, do hockey fans really read Sports Illustrated? Because they hardly EVERY cover anything on hockey. It would have been the best kept secret, like it still is. (visit)

Ok and don’t laugh, OK – laugh  because the title says, “A former NHL Coach cracks the 1-3-1 code” and guess who the ‘former’ NHL coach is … No, I’m not telling. You’ll have to go there yourself. It’s just too awesome to spoil. Or perhaps you don’t care.

Either way, if I didn’t love the Capitals so much, I would have picked Tampa Bay to beat them because in hindsight, they didn’t have a prayer. With a newly revamped ‘defensive’ team, there was no-way in hell they stood a chance against Guy Boucher’s brilliant 1-3-1 mastermind. And yes, he made it up. He’s my new favoritest human-master-of-the-universe. And while Steve Yzerman deserves the credit for hiring said mastermind, I’m thinking Tampa Bay may only be just getting started.

I can't help but fall for you ...

I strongly dislike to be wrong. I strongly dislike to dislike teams with players and coaches who might soundly beat my favorite players and teams. I strongly dislike to like really smart, weirdly hot, strange but hot, wickedly smart coaches with hot, small players and young, weirdly blonde possibly hot really good but too good for their own good players who compete too well against my own favorite players.

i'm not naming names

So to sum it all up: Boston, don’t read the last week’s SI. I’m trying really hard to not like Tampa Bay and Guy Boucher but I’ve always been drawn to the dark side. And lightening just may strike more than once, twice, three times. I feel a dynasty coming on … and it’s not in Washington I fear.